


Take a Break

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Addict is not a Personality Flaw [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Asexual Character, Bisexual Character, But also, D/s themes, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Polyamory Negotiations, Repeated themes: Sexual trauma, Therapy (both traditional and non traditional), blindfolds and asexual kinkster, codependency/caping, homophobic/unsupportive families, learning to heal, self harm and healing, side pairing with a violence kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:05:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 171
Words: 193,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6206908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six months.</p><p>That's how long he has to get his shit together and to prove to the school that he's mentally well enough to go back. But how is Alex going to juggle dealing with the damage his addiction caused, the damage his dealer caused, and the well-being of those around him?</p><p>(Sequel to Non-Stop)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Beginnings

"Can I invite Lafayette and Laurens over for dinner?" Alex asked, fiddling with the edge of his shirt.

Aaron blinked, sat the book he'd been reading down on the side table. "This house is as much yours as it is mine."

It didn't matter how many times he had to say it, Aaron would keep repeating it until Alex got it. The man wasn't his bedwarmer, he wasn't just taking up space, this was his house too. Alex didn't need his permission to invite his friends over. And yet-

"I don't want to invite them over if you're not going to be happy."

Which was considerate of Alex considering everything that had happened. Except Aaron had been adamant that Alex needed to work on mending his relationship with John. Had done his best to encourage his boyfriend to start taking more steps toward his goal. Aaron was grown up enough to know that Alex fixing his friendship with John would mean having Lafayette around, he'd accepted that fact. But Alex still seemed to be second-guessing himself at every turn.

Aaron pulled his phone out of his pocket, tapping out a message before tossing it on the table.

Alex looked at it for a moment before dragging his attention back to Aaron. "What was that?"

"That," Aaron said, "Was me inviting the French fuck to dinner tomorrow night. I even used a smiley face. He likes those."

"You didn't have to-" Alex began.

Aaron cut him off. "No, I didn't. I wanted to. Please stop fretting."

They'd only moved in two days before, and really he should get up and make sure that the main rooms had everything they needed for guests- but instead Aaron held out his hand, beckoning Alex to come and join him on the couch. The man hovered for a moment before finally taking him up on the offer, curling up on the couch with his head on Aaron's thigh. Two days they'd been in the house, and Alex had barely relaxed the entire time. Still hadn't put up any of his own personal effects or put his clothes in the closet. As if he expected Aaron to change his mind and kick him out.

Aaron took a deep breath and shook his head, focused on running his fingers through Alex's hair. It was uncharitable to assume that was why Alex was so hesitant. The man had every reason to take his time, had all the time in the world if he wanted to take it. As much as they'd basically lived together when they were moving between dorms, it was different from moving into a house together. Aaron had no way of knowing how long it had taken Alex to get his dorm room to the state of chaos it had stayed in. Had no way of knowing how much of his stuff potentially served as a visual reminder of what had happened.

Maybe things would be easier once Madison moved in as well. James had made the decision to head back home as soon as exams were over, said he wanted to make sure that the two of them had some time together to settle in before having him there. It was an oddly considerate thought, but one Aaron would have turned down if James had mentioned it before his bags were in his car. They didn't need to be alone. Alex needed his friends, and at least, there was no anxiety about James. Hercules was on his annual trip to Ireland to visit his family, the Schuyler sisters had traveled to New York and while Aaron was perfectly used to spending his summers alone- it couldn't be healthy for Alex.

Which left John and Lafayette, the two people with the most baggage when it came to them. Not that Aaron hadn't done his best to try and convince Alex that it was fine. It was an uphill battle, he knew. But Aaron was more than willing to endure any discomfort that arose from being around John, considering the man was willing to give Alex a second chance. And as for Lafayette... 

There was no excuse for making things harder on Alex than they already were. Of course, he wished that the other man would get on the same page regarding that, but he'd make do in the meantime.

"What would you like to serve tomorrow, with them coming over?" Aaron asked after a while.

Alex startled in his lap, shrugging awkwardly. "Can't we just do pizza or something?"

"It's the first time your friends will be visiting our new place," Aaron said, amusement coloring his tone,"If nothing else, I think Lafayette is most likely expecting a bit more effort than take out or delivery food."

"Can you text them back and say the offer is only for John then?" It was petulant, and when Aaron didn't acknowledge the comment, Alex tried again, "I don't know how to cook. I can bake, but that's it."

Aaron hummed, scratching Alex's scalp. "That's okay. I can cook decently. I'm not going to attempt a French menu just for his pleasure- but I'm not against doing a home cooked meal tomorrow. We could even make a day of it- if you're not opposed to helping out."

That actually sounded like a nice idea. Maybe they could make a nice pasta dish or even something simple like hamburgers. It wouldn't be fancy cuisine, but that was okay. The point was to spend time with Alex, side by side with him- working on something neutral. Something that Alex wouldn't get defensive over, or send him into another fit of tears. The past two days had been harder than expected, but Aaron was doing his best to be patient. Understanding.

It would be another week before Alex would be able to see his new therapist, they'd found out about the difficulty of making appointments the hard way. Mulligan had reassured him that it would be easier at the initial intake session- something about them taking up a more significant chunk of time and as such- being harder to get. Aaron hoped so. He wasn't sure how Alex was supposed to be helped if they'd have to wait multiple weeks between appointments. 

"You won't get mad at me when I burn everything?" 

The question took him off guard and Aaron laughed. "That's what timers are for. I promise- you won't do anything you aren't comfortable with and I'll be there the entire time."

Alex snorted. "You say that now, but I could probably burn water."

"If you're that worried, we can find something similar to baking for you to do. You did an excellent job with the cupcakes after all." Aaron reassured him. 

There was a shift as Alex moved on the couch, laying on his back instead. "Maybe we could do breakfast for dinner? I could do muffins or something?"

Breakfast for dinner it was. 


	2. Startled

The doorbell rang and Alex froze, heart in his throat.

Alex had been reassured that no one knew they were here yet. Madison had the address, sure, but he was in Virginia with his family. He'd even texted Alex yesterday, a picture of the puppy his little sister had just gotten. No one was supposed to know where they were. But someone was at the door.

Aaron popped his head out of the kitchen, halfway through asking if Alex planned on getting that, words falling away to nothingness when he saw him. Alex closed his eyes, tried to recall Madison's voice, the ridiculous in and out counting but it wasn't working. There were hands on his shoulders, pushing him- and Alex allowed himself to be moved. Expected to be placed on the couch, but when the back of his legs hit wood, he opened his eyes. The kitchen. Aaron pressed down on his shoulders and Alex sat.

A kiss to his forehead and then Aaron was gone.

When he returned, it was with a confused expression on his face, a bouquet, and a box. Aaron sat the latter down on the counter as he rummaged through the cabinets, making a satisfied sound when he finally found a vase to put the flowers in.

Alex blinked. "For me?"

Maybe that was it. Maybe he'd just freaked out over a nice gesture from Aaron. But Aaron shook his head, before moving to grab the box off the counter. "These are for you. The flowers are for me? Or at least, it's my name on the card."

It wasn't until Aaron handed him the box that it made sense. "Did you give Lafayette our address?"

"They are coming over tonight," Aaron answered with a raised eyebrow, apparently taking it as a non-sequitur. "Unless you planned for us to pick them up and put bags over their heads."

That probably wouldn't go well, for numerous reasons. Alex held out the opened box, motioning for Aaron to take one. "Croissants. There's a little restaurant that Laf and I went to a lot first semester that makes these. He likes to tease me about how much I like them."

Specifically, Lafayette enjoyed teasing him because Alex had out and out moaned the first time he bit into one. That had been the early days. The first time the upper classman had dragged him off campus to discuss 'work'. Not that the croissants weren't that good on their own, but contrasting it against the beans and rice Alex had eaten for a week solid before that had a lot to do with his reaction. Not that there was any point in telling the Frenchman that. Why Lafayette felt the need to send everything in the morning rather than just bring his housewarming present with him later, Alex wasn't sure. Aaron took one of the croissants, biting into it before he sat in a chair next to Alex.

"Are you going to be okay? You uh-" Aaron trailed off.

Alex picked at one of the croissants, uncaring that he was making a mess. "Just wasn't expecting anyone to show up. I'd kind of forgotten about John and him coming over until I opened the box." 

"We can reschedule if you want. It doesn't have to be today- I'm sure they'd understand."

Again with the reassurances. Alex frowned, standing up to grab a napkin so that he could wipe off his fingers. "That I'm a child who gets upset at sudden noises? Who ends up out of commission all day because they got a little frightened?"

There was a beat of silence as Aaron searched for a response, and damn if that didn't make Alex even more upset. Careful, careful Aaron always picking his words carefully. Trying to minimize damage because apparently Alex was too fragile to have a normal conversation with. Alex tensed when he felt the body behind him, unhappy with the fact that he hadn't heard the man stand up. A hand on his shoulder carefully turned him, but Alex kept his head to the side. Didn't want to see the expression on Aaron's face.

"Why are you fighting me again?"

Alex shut his eyes. Didn't want to think about this as an again. As steps backward. Which was why Aaron needed to let this go. Alex was being ridiculous. There'd been no good reason to freak out at the doorbell. It would be better for everyone if they just pretended it didn't happen. That he was fine. 

"I'm not a child. You don't have to tuck me in for a nap and cancel my playdate just because I got a little pissy this morning," Alex snipped.

Aaron sighed as he took a step back and Alex watched as he shoved his hands in his pockets before giving a one-sided shrug. "You aren't a child and believe me- I am glad because we've already discussed how much I am not Daddy material." 

Humor. A play at sexual humor at that, Alex's favorite kind. Alex hadn't called him daddy in what felt like months. Not since the cabin. It was weird to realize both how long ago that was- and how short at the same time. Six months. He had six months before he had to get his act together so that he could return to school. He and Aaron hadn't even been fake dating for six months. Much less real dating. 

"And yet you called me Son." Alex rubbed at his face before groaning. "I'm sorry. I'm being a brat again. I'd make a joke about corner time but considering you're still pretending that you don't like bossing me around..."

"Alex," Aaron's fingers were under his chin, encouraging him to look up. "Go shower so that we can figure out what needs to be done for tonight."

A protest died on Alex's lips as he realized that Aaron was trying to listen to him, not trying to cut the conversation short. Alex leaned forward to press a kiss against Aaron's cheek before going to do what he was told. 


	3. Chocolate Chip Pancakes

"Hand me the milk, please."

A statement, not a question. Aaron carefully edited out the 'will you' from what he had to say, watching Alex's reaction. Alex wiped a strand of hair from his face, one that managed to escape the bun he'd put his wet hair up into, before getting the milk out of the fridge and passing it to him. No argument, not that Aaron had expected one, but more so than that, none of the apparent anxiety that Alex had displayed since they'd moved in. 

It still didn't make Aaron comfortable with the idea of telling Alex what to do. Not with most things. But Alex had brought it up, even if only in the most sideways of ways- and at least it hadn't been the sex thing again. They still needed to talk about that, especially after the awkward virgin assumption, but Alex was still so defensive and the house seemed to only make it worse. Apparently it was one thing to basically live together when it was the dorms and Alex's tuition covered his room- another thing when the man was forced to acknowledge that he wasn't contributing to the rent. Not that Aaron needed him to, especially considering Madison's decision to move in.

So if telling Alex to get him the milk instead of asking for it to be passed made Alex less anxious, Aaron wasn't going to fight it. At least not on things that it was unlikely that Alex would say no to anyway. 

"Hey," Alex's voice caught his attention, "Do we have any chocolate chips? John likes them in his pancakes."

Aaron glanced toward the cabinets. "You can look but I don't think so. James might have grabbed some?"

After searching, Alex reappeared with a thing of cinnamon sugar. "No chocolate. But there is this? It might work."

If John had a general sweet tooth, probably. "In the batter or do you want to sprinkle it on top when they're done?"

"Some of both? Maybe? Do some plain and some cinnamon if that's not a problem?" Alex asked.

Of course it wasn't a problem. It did, however, require another bowl, which Alex fetched for him. From there the kitchen was mostly quiet as they moved around one another, trying to prepare what they could for dinner. Once the pancake batter was mixed and separated into the two bowls, he pushed it aside to grab a pan. It was too early to start making the pancakes themselves, not if they wanted them to still be warm when Lafayette and Laurens finally arrived. Instead, Aaron stood back as Alex finished putting the muffins in the oven. Which left the eggs to be made, but that was another item that it'd be best to wait on.

Which was fine, because when Alex turned to him, Aaron knew exactly how he wanted to waste the time. "Did you set the timer?" Alex nodded and Aaron smiled. "Good, come here then."

If Alex found the order strange, he didn't question it, just double checked that the timer would ding before walking over to where Aaron was leaning against the kitchen wall. Slowly Aaron reached out to stroke his upper arm, watching still to make sure Alex didn't flinch, didn't pull back from the touch. It was easier, the touch thing, when they were sitting on the couch, or lying in bed. But Alex only stepped closer, and Aaron shifted to accommodate him as Alex leaned against his chest, hand moving from his arm to rub at Alex's back.

The kitchen slowly filled with the smell of muffins, even as Alex nuzzled at his neck, lips brushing against his skin occasionally. The first few times Aaron ignored it, but Alex only became more persistent and when chaste brushes turned into hot breath against the base of his neck, Aaron had to speak up.

"You do know that you can ask, right?"

Alex's snort should have ruined the mood. "Most people don't ask before kissing their boyfriends."

Aaron hummed. Most people weren't dating a hypersexual brat with unhealthy habits when it came to sex. "Maybe I like it when you ask. You like being told what to do, and you don't see me judging you."

"Aaron," Alex drew out his name for longer than necessary, "Please kiss your boyfriend before the muffins are finished baking, he really- really wants you to. Of course, he'd also-"

Whatever it was that Alex was going to say was lost as Aaron leaned down to kiss him. Alex made a pleased sound in the back of his throat before nipping Aaron's bottom lip. It was a playful gesture, and Aaron couldn't help but smile in response. They stayed like that, trading kisses against the wall until the timer went off. Alex pouted for a moment before pushing away from the wall to fetch the oven mitt so that he could pull out the muffins.

"They smell great," Aaron said as he moved to lean against the counter. "Pancakes or eggs first?"

Alex shrugged. "Pancakes? Then we can put them in the microwave until they get here. Is there anything you want me to do while you do all that?"

Aaron spared a glance toward the clock. "Just make sure the house is in general order. We haven't been here long enough for anything to be super messy, so it shouldn't take that long."

It didn't, but neither did finishing up the rest of the cooking. Aaron had enough time to pull down plates and cups and set them out on the counter before the doorbell rang while he was getting changed. He paused long enough to finish tugging his shirt down before exiting the room, relieved to hear the sound of the door opening. It had crossed his mind that Alex might freak out at someone being at the door again, even with knowing who it was.

Lafayette had Alex in the air with a hug when Aaron entered the room, and Laurens gave him a nod in greeting.

"Good evening, guys" Aaron said, doing his best to smile.

To quote Madison, the things he did for the Mutt.


	4. Little Housewife

Lafayette apparently took someone moving into a new place extremely serious, if the bottle of wine in his hand was any indication.

The upper classman set it down on the coffee table before reaching out for a hug. His heart was still high in his throat, but Alex went, whining when the man lifted him into the air. "It has been too long. The house is quiet without you, Mon Ami."

It wasn't that Alex didn't like being hugged like that, because truth be told, he'd always loved it- it was just that it was too much considering everything that was going on. Alex wiggled, trying to get Laf to put him down. But the act brought his hip in contact with Lafayette's middle, and he cringed at the sharp pain. Aaron's voice came from behind them, and Lafayette finally allowed Alex's feet to touch the ground as he turned his attention to the room's newest occupant. The look Aaron shot him was pleading when Lafayette swooped him up in a hug as well, but Alex couldn't help but grin. He'd rather them antagonizing one another by being nice than the alternative. It gave him hope that one day they might actually be nice for the sake of being nice.

"So you're settled in." John's hands were in his pockets and Alex swallowed, nodded.

No hug. That was fine. Alex was feeling a little overstimulated anyway. An arm wrapped around his waist and he did his best to smile at Aaron's questioning look. The last thing he wanted was to do anything that would make the man question his decision to go through with tonight. Either in the sense of allowing Laf and Laurens to come over or Alex's ability to handle things after having gotten upset.

"Alex, why don't you go pull everything out on the counter." 

A soft squeeze of his waist and Alex nodded before disappearing into the kitchen, grateful for the chance to collect himself. There was the sound of voices from the living room, but Alex focused on doing what was asked of him. It didn't take long, especially because Aaron had already put the plates and silverware on the counter, but by the time he'd finished laying everything out he felt a little more in control. 

When Alex turned to go and fetch them, Lafayette was leaning against the door jam, watching him with a look that made Alex feel five inches tall. A tense moment passed between them before Laf smiled, looking behind him briefly to beckon the rest of them. 

"You shall make little Alex into a housewife yet," Laf cooed as Aaron walked past, "Perhaps I shall get him an apron as a gift to you."

Aaron seemed to be debating whether or not to respond when Laf spoke again, "Maybe a dress for your princess?"

Alex could feel the heat in his cheeks. How was Laf even aware that Aaron called him that? 

"Laf," It was as sharp as Alex could manage. "I'm not a girl if you haven't noticed in the year that we've known each other."

John glanced up from where he was drowning his plate in syrup. "Don't act like you didn't want to wear a dress to prom."

Was it possible to die of embarrassment? Was this his punishment? For John to be cold except when he had the opportunity to drag out every ridiculous thing Alex had done over the years?

Lafayette appeared delighted with the image, but it was Aaron who regarded him curiously. "You wore a dress to prom?"

They weren't going to let that go, were they? "We didn't actually go."

It'd been too expensive for either of them. A waste of money that was needed for food and school- not to mention John's dislike of crowds. That hadn't stopped Alex from trying to petition for his right to wear a dress, though. Gendered dress codes were a travesty, and while it was probably worse on the girl's end- where they were policed constantly, it also seemed ridiculous that he'd been denied the right to express himself. 

Not having the money also hadn't stopped him from flipping through prom catalogues, looking over the dresses and asking John which ones would look best on him. It had been his favorite activity for weeks. Especially on the days when John would give in enough to braid his hair for him.

Thinking about it hurt.

Aaron must have noticed the change in his expression because he changed the topic by asking Lafayette what his plan for the upcoming year was. Apparently he was debating whether or not to extend his college stay by changing his business minor to a double major. This fact was said with an almost unnoticeable glance toward John and Alex stared down at his plate as he went to sit down. John deserved someone who cared enough about him to want to stick around. 

It took some prompting, but John eventually told Aaron that he wasn't sure he was ready to declare a major just yet, but that he really wanted to work with animals one day. Chewed thoughtfully on the forkful of pancakes in his mouth when Aaron suggested volunteering at the local animal shelter before thanking him for the idea. It was the most Alex had seen them talk to one another, hell, the most he'd seen Aaron talk to anyone who wasn't him.

"Excuse me," Alex murmured, pushing himself away from the table, trying not to disrupt the flow of the conversation around him.

The bathroom mirror did him no favors. Only drew attention to how pale he'd gotten over the past few months. Winter skin was one thing, but it was basically summer and here he was still hiding inside. Quickly he used the restroom before washing his hands. But instead of leaving, he leaned his forehead against the glass. It was ridiculous. He was being ridiculous again. He should be happy for his friends. Hadn't Lafayette just argued that it was normal to take more than four years to graduate? Aaron had gone above and beyond tonight, and Alex was upset because the one neutral subject for the rest of them was hardly neutral for him.

It was hard to not feel like he was going to be left behind.

They were there. John was still upset with him, but he'd shown up. And not because Alex was in danger. That had to mean something. Alex splashed water on his face, before deciding that he'd been gone long enough. Much longer and he risked Aaron getting suspicious.

Except it wasn't Aaron whose attention his absence had caught, because there was Lafayette waiting for him. "Are we unwell, little Alex?"

Alex went to side step him, to head back into the kitchen, but Lafayette was quicker and Alex found himself being yanked into a hug. Which might have been fine, except Lafayette's hand drifted lower and Alex froze, eyes clenched as deft fingers dug into his hip. The contact only lasted a second, but Alex didn't move even once he'd been released.

Didn't need to open his eyes to hear the frown in Laf's voice. "That is what I thought. We will go to the clinic together, or I will tell your Aaron. You have until tomorrow to decide."

By the time Alex opened his eyes, Lafayette was gone. 

When he finally made it back to the kitchen, the man was sitting with his arm casually wrapped around John's shoulder, one hand moving wildly as he talked. Aaron's eyes flickered to him in the doorway, and he did his best to give a reassuring smile. 

It would be fine. It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6217309 Wind_Ryder has outdone herself again in terms of making me feel sad about Alex/Laurens.


	5. Boyfriend Package

"Au Revoir, Mes Amies," Lafayette said, "Do let me know if there is anything I can do?"

Alex promised that they would and Aaron allowed himself to sag back on the couch as their guests finally left. It had been a long evening, and more than anything, he was ready to go to bed. Preferably with Alex, though it seemed his boyfriend was staying up later and later these days.

"That went better than expected," Aaron said after a moment.

It had. Other than Lafayette's crack about Aaron turning Alex into a housewife, the other man had been on his best behavior. Or at least, he'd been more focused on making sure John was comfortable than making Aaron uncomfortable. They'd even managed to have a mostly pleasant conversation about what they were going to be doing the upcoming year. He'd been surprised to hear that John was so science-minded, and promptly chided himself. It wasn't fair to cast John into the role of dumb jock just because he fought all the time. Especially not with what he'd learned about Alex's own reasons for seeking out violence. And you didn't have to be eloquent to want to help animals.

So he'd suggested the animal shelter, making a small mental note that maybe that was something Alex could join him with. Alex seemed like the type who would love to roll around in a room full of kittens. And more than that- the two needed neutral ground to meet on and Aaron wasn't in a place to ask either of them what that might be. Besides, anything they'd done before might be tainted anyway.

Probably was, if Alex's face at the prom comment had meant anything. Aaron was more than familiar with the way nostalgia could turn bitter- especially when what you wanted was right there and still forbidden. But the fact that John had said anything at all...

It was weird to realize that John most likely knew more about Alex than he did. That there were hundreds of stories there, waiting to be told. That John probably knew what the deal with Alex's family was- definitely knew what Alex was like before the drugs. Before Jefferson. And yet, Aaron couldn't ask. Couldn't ask if Alex had always bounced moods, if he'd always talked a million miles a minute. Couldn't ask Alex, either, if John had always been this way. Aaron knew that the two had fought- physically and often- but what had started it? Had John been seeking the same absolution that Alex did? Did John pick fights for the same reason Alex wanted to be touched constantly?

Aaron wasn't sure when he'd started to care.

"Thanks," Alex was still standing awkwardly in the living room, "You were great. I wish there was a way you'd let me make it up to you..."

Just as it would take time to make Alex understand that this was his home, it'd undoubtedly take time to make him realize that this was part of the relationship package. Dating someone meant trying to be nice to their friends, didn't it? And the more he learned about John... It'd already been too late by the time Aaron walked into Alex's life, but maybe if Alex had realized that his drug use was the world's worst-kept secret- they could have all been friends. Real friends instead of trying desperately to fix a wound that had been allowed to fester.

Alex had already made a comment about feeling like they'd backslid further since what happened came out. Aaron had done his best to explain that John had probably done his best to shove it out of his mind- and that talking about it had brought everything to the surface. Meant that he couldn't pretend Alex didn't know anymore. That Alex was right, it would probably get worse before it got better- but, at least, the friendship was still salvageable. At least, Aaron hoped it was. Hoped they'd caught the infection before it reached the bone.

Aaron rubbed at his face, trying to figure out why Alex was still hovering before it occurred to him. "Are you waiting for me to tell you to sit down?"

Apparently he had been. Which really, they were going to have to work on, because if Aaron was going to go along with the whole bossing Alex around thing- he at least needed to know when it was expected of him. The last thing he needed was Alex awkwardly not doing anything because Aaron didn't realize he was waiting for a command. And Alex also needed to realize that there were certain things that Aaron wouldn't tell him to do. Couldn't. Not and live with himself. 

Thankfully, telling his boyfriend to relax didn't fall in that category. "Come here." 

Finally, after more prompted than should have been necessary, Alex laid down, curled up on the couch with his head on Aaron's lap. 

"As much as Madison calls you a Mutt, you don't need permission to use the furniture, "Aaron tried to joke. 

Alex shrugged, face still buried in Aaron's stomach. It'd been a long day, sure, but Aaron wasn't sure that it warranted this behavior. Had something happened and he just hadn't caught it? He thought he'd been watching so carefully. 

"Why don't we take a shower? I can wash your hair for you and then we can go to bed."

It had been intended as a peace offering. Something that Alex would enjoy doing, especially after they'd kissed earlier. Instead, Alex tensed in his lap and Aaron sighed, reaching down to pull at Alex's hair lightly. "You can say no. I just thought it'd be nice."

"I just," Alex worried his bottom lip between phrases and Aaron was tempted to reach down and tap his lip to make him stop, "am tired. Don't want to see..."

Oh. Aaron kissed Alex's forehead. "Thank you for explaining yourself, you didn't have to do that. But if you're so tired, why don't we go lay down?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I've been extra good lately because Wind_Ryder has gifted me with: [Misunderstandings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6224020)
> 
> (and look, this one involves no pain. Just people misunderstanding the asshole and the french fuck- and our baby Eliza)


	6. Disobeying Orders

[From: Laf <3  
8:30 AM

Rise and shine, Little Alex :)  
What will it be?]

[From: Laf <3  
8:49 AM

No excuses]

[From: Laf <3  
9:04 AM

:) :) :)]

Sunlight filtered in through the window of the kitchen and Alex sighed, tapped out another response before gripping the counter with his free hand. Lafayette would be there within the hour to pick him up. Which meant he had less than an hour to mentally prepare himself for what was going to happen. Less than an hour to figure out how he was supposed to make it through a doctor's visit without falling apart- much less how he was supposed to continue to keep everything a secret from Aaron. For the first time, Alex found himself immensely grateful that his boyfriend didn't have a habit of tearing off his clothes.

Behind him, sounds of life were filling the house. Aaron in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. Alex closed his eyes, let himself focus on following the noise in his mind, mapping out Aaron's morning routine. Allowed the familiarity to ground him even as he listened to Aaron entering the kitchen.

"You're up early," Aaron said as he wrapped his arms around Alex's waist.

Once the phone was face down on the counter, Alex turned to place a kiss on Aaron's cheek. "Laf is picking me up at 10. He uh, offered to take me shopping."

So it wasn't the strongest lie that Alex had ever told, but it did what it was supposed to. Explained why Lafayette would be showing up at the house, and that Alex would be leaving. And if Alex sounded a little off? It was because he knew the pair didn't get along and was anxious to be mentioning that he'd be alone with Laf.

"You know if there's anything you need, you can ask me- right?"

Alex shrugged. "Until Madison gets back, that means the bus. Besides, like I said, he offered. It's no big deal."

The arms around Alex's waist tightened briefly, and then Aaron nodded before stepping away. "You should probably try and have some breakfast before you go. What would you like?"

Nothing. In all honesty, he was already feeling queasy enough. He'd even tried to postpone going to the clinic on the basis that he was feeling sick, but Lafayette had shot him down. It'd been too risky to try and keep arguing that the clinic could wait, Alex had the feeling that Lafayette didn't make idle threats and the last thing Alex wanted was Aaron finding out.

"Alex?"

"Sorry," Alex said, shaking his head. "Zoned out there for a bit. Uh, I think I'll hold off on food. Lafayette and I might swing by the restaurant- you know, the one with the croissants he sent?"

Aaron glanced back at him from where he was rummaging through the fridge. "That does seem to be you two's thing. You planning on showering before you go? I don't think Madison would complain about you going to the grocery store in your pajamas, but Lafayette might."

Alex glanced down at the two sizes too big t-shirt he was wearing, hem hanging over the edge of a pair of stolen flannel pajama pants. "I'll steal his scarf and we'll call it Chic."

"The fashion magazines will be pounding down our door," Aaron humored him, "I'm sure. Now go take a shower and brush your teeth."

Fine. Take a shower. Alex could do that. Could totally do it. He repeated Aaron's words over and over in his head as he walked to the bedroom, making sure to grab a pair of dark jeans, a button down and the necessary underthings- before heading to the bathroom. Wouldn't want Lafayette ashamed to be seen with him in public after all.  

Actually, Alex was kind of tempted to go back and get dressed in the most ridiculous thing he could manage with his wardrobe. Like the upperclassman suffer secondhand embarrassment from being seen with him. After all, Alex was having to suffer through the clinic because of him.  And more than that- now he was having to suffer through a shower. 

Except, he really, really didn't want to do that. Even with Aaron having told him to. Showering was a whole process, and he needed more than twenty minutes to prep, much less finish it. Sending a mental apology to Aaron, Alex turned off the light in the bathroom and then turned on the water in the shower, as well as the fan Once he was sure there was enough noise in the bathroom, he turned on the sink as well, grabbing his shampoo from the bathtub ledge. It wasn't showering, by any means, but sink-washed hair went a long way in making it seem like he had. 

Next came the washcloth, damp and with a minimal amount of soap- shoved under his shirt so that he didn't even have to look at his chest. Armpits done- the next major zone was his junk. Easy enough to manage with a washcloth and sitting on the toilet, the dark of the room helping to make it easier to avoid looking at the entire reason he was in this mess. 

Another moment to change, turn off the shower, and finally he was ready to brush his teeth. That part was simple at least. By the time he grabbed his shoes from the bedroom and headed toward the living room, Lafayette was sprawled across the couch, waiting for him.

"Ah, little Alex, are we ready to go?" Lafayette said as he stood up.

Alex turned to look for Aaron, smiling slightly when his boyfriend appeared on cue. A quick hug, a double check that he had both his wallet and phone, and then he was out the door, following after Lafayette obediently.

"There is no reason to look so grim, ma chérie," Lafayette said from the driver's side of his car, "Today will be over before you know it, and you will be well again. You want to be well, do you not?"

Of course Alex wanted to be well. He just didn't want to have to think about his hip in the process. Dealing with his chest was hard enough, and he wasn't stupid, he knew his hip was infected. But Lafayette didn't understand. Would never understand.

Because Lafayette was big, and fast, and strong. And even though he appeared easy going most of the time, Alex had seen first hand what happened when he was challenged. No. Lafayette might know what it was like to nurse a knife wound, but he didn't know what it was like to be Alex. To be reminded how weak and stupid he'd been every time he looked in the mirror. 

To think that everything was under control and wake up one day and realize that he was prey.

Alex bowed his head, texted Madison rather than try and strike up a conversation with the man beside him. Didn't want to talk to Lafayette. Didn't appreciate being cornered again. He'd been manipulated enough over the past year without it coming from friends too. 

If Lafayette was bothered by his silence, he didn't show it. Simply turned the radio up, let the vehicle fill with the sounds of french. Alex was alerted to their arrival at the clinic by the car sliding into a parking spot, and he unbuckled his seatbelt before stepping out and crossing to the concrete. Annoyed at Lafayette or not, he wasn't about to go in by himself. 

"Little Alex." 

Alex looked up, realized that the man was holding out a hand,  and Alex nodded, reaching out to thread their fingers together.  Tried to remind himself that Laf was trying to help, didn't want him to end up in worse shape than he already was. That it was probably better that Laf was going about it by being stern, than coddling. If for no other reason than the latter would only aggravate Aaron more.

The girl behind the desk looked familiar, and it took Alex a moment to place her. "Maria?"

Maria smiled brightly. "Alex, right? Do you have an appointment or are you a walk in?"

"Appointment," Lafayette said over his head. "Alexander Hamilton."

"ID and insurance card, if you don't mind, Alex," Maria addressed him, barely acknowledging Lafayette.

Alex had to let go of Lafayette's hand to pull them out of his wallet, and when she took them, she handed him a clipboard. "I'll call you over when I'm done with these. Just fill this out to the best of your ability. A nurse should be out to call you back soon."

"Do you two know each other?" Alex asked once they were seated and he'd started working on the paperwork. "There just uh, seemed to be some tension there."

Lafayette shrugged and then draped his arm around the back of the couch. "John and I have been here before. Some... people made assumptions about the nature of his injuries."

Oh. Alex frowned, and Lafayette sighed, ruffling his still damp hair. "Do not worry yourself, Little Alex."

It didn't take him long to finish up his paperwork, or for Maria to give him back his cards. Soon after he'd sat back down, a nurse called him to the back, and he was halfway to her when he realized that Lafayette hadn't gone to follow him.

"Laf," Alex said, "Please?"

Please don't make him ask. It was by Alex's own doing that Aaron wasn't there, but the last thing Alex wanted to do was face a doctor by himself. Lafayette regarded him for a moment before joining him. Stayed quiet as Alex went through the basics- as he was weighed and escorted to his room. Closed his eyes when Alex was given a gown to change into, and only opened them when Alex said it was safe. 

After he took a seat, Lafayette reached over to poke his knee. "I did not know if you'd want me back here- All things considered."

Alex gave him a shaky smile, doing his best to keep his breath even now that he was in the room itself. "Let 'em gossip. Now you have two pretty boys under your thumb. And you take care of John. They're wrong to judge."

"I think," Lafayette waved a hand loftily. "By now they realize. It is not as if he has not sent me here as well. There will always be those who don't approve."

Before Alex could come up with something to say, there was a knock on the door. When he called out that it was okay to come in, he was surprised to see another familiar face. "Eliza."

Eliza smiled. "In the flesh. What seems to be the problem today, boys?"

Whereas the energy between Maria and Lafayette had been tense, there was an air of familiarity between the two. When Alex sent him a pleading look, Lafayette easily became his voice, explaining that Alex had a knife wound that needed to be looked at. It wasn't until she had him expose the wound, as Lafayette stood beside him and held one hand- that the friendly feel fled the room. 

"That's not your handiwork, is it?" Eliza asked after a moment, face hidden as she poked at the area around his hip.

Lafayette shook his head. "No. And before you say it, little Alex has already been told that he should have come to see you sooner."

"Do you really think that's going to stop me from lecturing him? You know me better than that, Gilbert." Eliza chided, before turning her attention to Alex.

The whine that Alex made might have caused him embarrassment, if he wasn't already praying that the exam room table would swallow him whole for other reasons. This was not going to be a fun visit, not at all. 


	7. Blind

 

[From: Jimmy M.  
3:15 PM

im sure hes fine.]

[From: Jimmy M.  
3:18 PM

stp being jealous of the frnc fry]

[From: Jimmy M.  
3:25 PM

r 2]

Aaron rolled his eyes, pocketing his phone as he glanced out the window again. Alex had said he'd be home soon almost twenty minutes ago, should have been home hours ago. There was no good reason for grocery shopping to last five hours, and Alex hadn't mentioned doing anything else. The wait had made Aaron anxious enough he'd even texted John, to see if maybe he was with them. It'd taken the man two hours to respond, and when he did bother it was just that he hadn't seen Lafayette since the man left the house that morning.

A familiar vehicle finally pulled into the driveway and Aaron moved back from the window, not wanting to be accused of waiting. Steped to the kitchen to grab a drink, give him something to do with his hands. The sound of the door opening didn't surprise him, and he turned, expecting to see Alex coming in for a hug. Or the two of them carrying groceries.

What he received instead was Lafayette thrusting a bag at his chest, one hand wrapped around the back of Alex's neck- almost as if he was a mother cat moving her kitten by the scruff. "You," The Frenchman said in lieu of a greeting, "will make sure he takes this."

Alex wouldn't make eye contact, but before Aaron could ask what's going on, Lafayette was speaking again. 

"I am trying to understand, Aaron." The emphasis on his name was not pleasant or teasing. "Are we.... blind? or do we have a fetish for rotting flesh?"

"What are you talking about?" Aaron snapped.

Except the bag in his hand held medication and gauze, and it wasn't really hard to put two plus two together, was it? But if Alex had needed to go to the doctor, why hadn't he asked Aaron? Had he thought he could hide whatever it was?

The thought process was cut short by Lafayette's next statement. "I am talking, little Aaron, about the infection from where Jefferson decided to carve his name into Alex's skin. Do not tell me you haven't seen it."

Name? Some of the anger fled Lafayette's expression as Aaron stepped back, heaving into a trash can. No. No Aaron hadn't seen it. Had been trying to respect Alex's space. He'd seen some of the higher up wounds, and they'd looked fine. Had looked like Alex was taking care of things. Aaron had had no reason to believe that the others were any different. 

Fuck. When Aaron finally turned back to them, Alex looked like he was going to cry. Like the only thing keeping him in place was Lafayette's fingers digging into his side, from where the man had moved his grip. Above Alex's head, Lafayette looked conflicted. 

"You did not know?" As if that possibility never occurred to Lafayette.

Alex swallowed, looked off to the side, still refusing to meet Aaron's eye. "I didn't want him to. Why do you think I let you manhandle me into going to the doctor? And you told him anyway."

Betrayed. Alex sounded betrayed. Probably felt it. And Aaron's reaction to the information probably had only made it worse- only solidified his feeling that Aaron shouldn't know. Tentatively Aaron stepped forward, reaching out to stroke Alex's cheek, frowning when he flinched back.

"Alex-"

But Alex cut him off. "Don't Alex me. It's fine. The doctor lanced the infection I just... Laf can change the bandages since he's determined to keep his nose where it doesn't belong. Don't worry about it. You don't have to touch me below the waist. I know you don't want to."

Lafayette made a small sound, and Aaron internally groaned. Fuck. Of all the things to get tangled in with Alex's issues with sex. He really, really didn't want to be having this conversation in front of anyone else. Didn't want to have it mixed in with what Jefferson had done either.

"I don't know what you want me to say." There, out in the open, Aaron was about to fuck up, but at least he was being honest about not having a clue how to proceed. "I wish you had let me know and let me help. I was trying to respect the fact that you might not want me touching you."

That wasn't going to cut it, and he knew that. Especially not with the way Alex was shifting, growing slowly more mutinous even as Lafayette continued to hold him against his chest. Which was fine, better Alex angry at him than at himself. 

"I've been trying to get you to touch me since the night I met you," Alex snapped. 

Aaron pointedly kept his focus on Alex's face, trying to ignore the other party in the room as Alex continued. "I really, still don't know what it is. Have I always been that disgusting? If all you see me as is Jefferson's sloppy seconds- why are you dating me? Or is it the whole 'Alex can't be trusted to know what he wants' thing- because fine- I can level with you when it came to when I was using. But now? I'm not made of glass. If you don't want me- tell me."

"You aren't disgusting." That much he could say. Alex wasn't disgusting, nowhere close. 

The rest of the questions though? Much more sensitive territory. "I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry if that comes off as me thinking you're fragile. I just never want you to look at me the way you looked at him."

Never wanted Alex to look like that again, period. 

"As for the other... I'm dating you because I care about you Alex. Because I like being your boyfriend." Aaron swallowed, finally giving into the urge to look away entirely. "And when you're ready? I want to touch you. Because you want to be touched, not because you feel broken if I won't.  I'm not- I'm ace, okay? It's nothing against you that I haven't jumped your bones."

And then, much quieter. "I just want to keep you safe and happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> As always, comments/requests/head canons are 100% accepted over at my tumblr.


	8. Spider Monkey

"You said you were gay."

The hand on his side relaxed minutely, and part of Alex was tempted to allow it. To let Lafayette pet his stomach and comfort him, because didn't he deserve some sympathy right now? Except if it weren't for Lafayette he wouldn't be having this conversation at all right now. Alex wriggled, frowning when instead of letting him go, Lafayette tightened his grip again. As if Lafayette didn't understand how weird it was to be holding him while he argued with his boyfriend.

Then again, knowing Lafayette, it was possible he really didn't.

For some reason Alex couldn't stop thinking about the way the man had said Alex could hit him, but that he wouldn't strike back. Couldn't help but feel like this was another one of those situations. Where Aaron was fully prepared for Alex to be nasty, and to be nothing but understanding in return. It only made him more uncomfortable, and he wriggled again, exhaled slowly when Lafayette's fingers dug in hard enough to bruise. Five focus points.

"If I remember correctly," Patient Aaron, carefully not directly contradicting him. "I said I wasn't straight. And I'm not. And my.... lack of sexual attraction doesn't change my feelings for you. "

"You kissed me." That sounded petulant. That was petulant. But everything was swimming in his head and his veins were still buzzing. Alex didn't want to be having this conversation. Alex wanted someone to pull his hair and sit on him until everything made sense again.

Instead of getting annoyed, Aaron nodded. "I did. I like kissing you. I would also rather not have this conversation with bystanders around if that's alright with you?"

Whether or not the comment was directed at him, it was Lafayette that answered, "Ah, little Aaron I will only leave if Alex wants me to. Otherwise, pretend I am not here. I am sure that suits you. So please, go on, about how much you like kissing him."

"Laf, please-" Alex whined. Did he have to make it worse? Couldn't he stay quiet and in the background so that Alex didn't have to be alone with Aaron.

Aaron who was apparently determined to be nice to him. Which didn't make him feel better, because what if that's what dating him was? Just Aaron being nice. Alex gritted his teeth, scratching at his arms. Hadn't his day been hard enough? Eliza had lectured him, the doctor had had to lance the wound. He'd had to sit still as Lafayette repeated that it didn't matter how he'd gotten them, what mattered was that while his chest seemed to be healing, his hip hadn't. As if the reason why wasn't obvious.

"I am only looking after you, ma chérie. You are feeling insecure? You will not take comfort from Aaron?" The hand that wasn't holding his side reached up to tug on his arm, stopping the scratching. "You will not hurt yourself and you will stand still."

A command. Alex stopped trying to get his arm back. Thought about slamming his foot down on Lafayette's, except that would only end badly for him. Not that listening to him was helping at the moment. Alex had tried. He'd tried to avoid this. He'd gone to the doctor like Lafayette had asked. He'd even behaved for the most part. Hadn't tried to escape when they'd made him wait for someone to cut him open. Hadn't put up a fuss at the pharmacy either.

And then Lafayette had asked what he was planning to tell Aaron about the medication, about the stitches. Had made Alex go inside. Had told Aaron anyway. Had basically picked a fight with the man in the process. Because apparently the two of them found it impossible to give the other the benefit of the doubt. Were determined to believe the worst in one another.

Fuck. Alex didn't want to be in the room with them anymore. He wanted to go to sleep. Or hit something- not that that was allowed.

Alex tried to bring his elbow back, to make Lafayette let him go, an act that ended with him up in the air bridal style. "That was not standing still, ma chérie."

"Put me down." Curly hair bounced around Laf's head as he shook it, and Alex tried again. "What do you want me to say? I am feeling insecure. I will take comfort from Aaron. I'm not trying to hurt myself and whether or not I am standing still is entirely irrelevant when you aren't being a spider monkey."

"I am much too big to be a spider monkey." As if that was the important part of what Alex said. "You will take comfort from Aaron if I put you down?"

Threatening to bite him probably wasn't the way to go. It wasn't as if Alex didn't know where that ended. "If I say yes, will you put me down so that I can go to bed?"

There was a moment that Alex actually thought he might be put down- and then Lafayette was in motion, carrying him to the bedroom. Maybe he was right. Maybe spider monkey wasn't the right comparison, but Alex couldn't think of another animal synonymous with being overly touchy. Which had been one thing first semester. Alex hadn't minded it then. Or if he had, he'd been too out of his mind for it to actually register. But there was a difference between picking up Alex and carrying him over his shoulder because Alex had been caught trying to pick a fight with someone might bigger than he was- and picking a fight with Alex's boyfriend and then picking him up because shockingly, aggressive energy didn't exactly help his already excited nervous system.

Screaming also probably wasn't an acceptable answer.

Aaron had followed them into the bedroom, was standing by the doorway looking concerned. Sat down on the bed when Lafayette motioned for him to with head and Alex groaned when he was finally put down- directly into Aaron's arms. Apparently Lafayette was serious about making sure he was going to accept comfort from someone. Ridiculous asshole.

If Alex didn't stop gritting his teeth he was going to end up with dental problems. "Planning to direct? Want to hold my head down so that-"

Aaron squeezed him around the waist- a warning. Alex deflated. "You told Aaron you'd stay as long as I wanted you here. I wanted you to leave six hours ago."

Lafayette snorted, reached down to ruffle his hair. "Always with the dramatics, little Alex."

Once the door was shut behind him, Aaron sighed, forehead dropping against Alex's shoulder. "Do you want me to let you go? Leave the room?"

No. Clutched Aaron's arm as he rolled out of his lap, forcing the man to follow his lead as Alex laid down on his side. Aaron did, carefully rearranging himself so that he wasn't touching Alex more than necessary.

"You're allowed to be upset with me, you know?" Aaron said after a moment. "I should have talked to you sooner."

Alex exhaled, slow and controlled. "I just don't understand why you're dating me. And I mean that mostly on an 'I'm a pain in the ass' level- but I guess we're also back on an 'if you don't want to fuck me' level too. Why not just be my friend?"

"You do understand that sexual and romantic feelings can happen separately of one another, right?"

When Alex didn't respond, Aaron sighed. "I just... Let's put it this way. I get just as much, if not more, pleasure out of cuddling with you- as I would if you blew me. I'm not a virgin like I told you before, but... it was never that great of an experience- especially when I didn't have feelings for the person before. And that's not necessarily an ace thing. There are plenty of asexuals who love sex for the feeling of it. You just got stuck with me."

Stuck with. As if Aaron was the burden in the relationship. Shit, Alex was being an asshole. Hadn't considered Aaron might be feeling self-conscious too. Alex puffed out his cheeks, rolled so that he was facing Aaron instead.

"I'm lucky to have you." That much was true. "If anyone is stuck with anyone- it's you being stuck with me. You're smart and mature. I'm... a box of poppers. Prone to going off and not useful for anything."

Aaron had apparently been thinking about this conversation, even if he hadn't brought it up. Had known Alex was going to associate wanting to have sex with someone with dating. Which shouldn't have surprised him, really, because it wasn't as if Alex hadn't basically screamed at him already that that was all Alex thought he was worth. His smarts or his body. Not that Alex was feeling too smart, especially when Aaron slipped into his almost scripted explanation. 

"You don't have to justify your existence. Not in this relationship, not in this house, not in this world. You don't have to be useful. I'm not going to patronize you and claim that you're the easiest person to deal with. But I didn't walk into this relationship thinking that you were. I chose to date you because I like you. You. Not some sanitized or romanticized version of you. And you're hurting right now. and I don't expect that to change overnight- and more than that, I'm not operating under any illusions about what it's going to mean when you aren't hurting. I'm sure things will change- but I'm not... Please. Please don't think I'm dating you now in hopes that you'll be a specific way later."

That was...

Something. 

Something to be dealt with later. When Alex wasn't feeling twenty shades of too emotional. Saying Virginia after a comment like that seemed insensitive, though, so Alex did the next best thing he could think of. Buried his face in Aaron's chest, humming encouragingly when the man tentatively wrapped his arms around him. He'd make a blowjob joke later, but for the moment, he let himself be held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Wanna read about John's fucked up Childhood? Cause Wind_Ryder has Done the Lord's Work Once Again](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6289198)
> 
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> I wrote a horror story yesterday? I wrote a horror story.
> 
> aaaaaaaaaa
> 
> as always- comments/questions/head canons are entirely welcome in my inbox over on [ tumblr ](http://writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com)


	9. Where's Mutt?

Alex was still asleep in bed.

Which was fine. In fact, it was probably for the best. Aaron sighed, shoved another spoonful of cereal into his mouth, and continued to stare at the gauze on the counter. The part of him that created backup plans in his sleep was going over all the ways that it meant trouble. There was no opening, no series of actions, nothing he could think of that wouldn't end up in another fight.

That wasn't Alex's fault. Alex was just being defensive. Aaron repeated that in his head, a mantra. Alex was hurting. Alex wasn't used to accepting help. Alex didn't want to be reminded of where he'd been, what had happened to him. For not the first time, Aaron found himself regretting missing the first meeting with the therapist. It didn't matter how unlikely it was that the man would have been unable to do something useful the first meeting- at least it would mean someone on the backburner. Someone he could call. Someone who might have been able to give Alex advice on how to proceed.

Someone other than Lafayette to turn to.

Lafayette had texted Aaron at five to remind him that the gauze needed to be changed. Five in the morning. Apparently he was getting back from his run and had forgotten that most people didn't wake up before the sun during the summer. That or he just hadn't cared about the risk of waking either of them up. Which honestly, wasn't that surprising.

Aaron took a deep breath, tucked away his unpleasant feelings for Lafayette. Less because he had any interest in feeling positively for him at the moment, and more because if Aaron thought about him at all then he ran the risk of being reminded that Lafayette was now far too privy to information about his relationship. An especially unsettling thought when he considered it next to the text he'd gotten about how if Aaron wouldn't take care of Alex, Lafayette would. It'd been about the wound. Logically. But combined with everything else- Aaron couldn't be blamed for feeling a bit testy himself.

A knock at the door caused him to jerk. It was barely six, even one of Lafayette's bizarre gift deliveries wouldn't explain someone being at the door. Whoever it was waited a beat and then knocked again. Aaron spared a glance toward the bedroom before pushing himself up and heading toward the door. No need to wake up Alex.

Aaron had only meant to open the door a crack, but as soon as he twisted the handle, the person on the other side pulled it the rest of the way open.

A fact that would have pissed Aaron off had it been anyone but Madison, looking like he hadn't slept in a week. "Phone died."

It took Aaron a second to understand that Madison was giving an explanation for not texting. Part of Aaron still wanted to ask if there weren't phone chargers in Virginia, his brain trying to put two and two together and come up with something less than seven. Madison wasn't due back for another week at least. Before Aaron could point that fact out, Madison was side stepping him so that he could get into the house.

Slowly, Aaron closed the door behind him. "Not that you aren't welcome but-"

"Mutt texted me." As if that explained it.

Aaron stared at him, waiting for Madison to say something else, finally gave up and said, "When?"

About would have been the better question. About might have an answer he didn't want to know though. Madison blinked, glanced down at the watch on his right wrist. "Five hours ago?"

Five hours ago. Alex had texted him past midnight. Virginia was... Aaron wasn't actually sure how far away Madison lived, but considering how long it had taken them to get to the cabin- that meant Madison had gotten the text and left within an hour or two at most. Aaron considered pressing the subject further, but Madison didn't appear interested in talking as disappeared down the hallway without bothering to ask which bedroom was his, or where Alex was.

Then again, it wasn't as if the house was overly large.

By the time Aaron followed him, Madison was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Alex sleep. "Why don't you lay down?"

Madison didn't move. "I guess the other one's my room?"

"Here," Aaron said quietly, "Lay down here."

When Madison turned to give him a look, Aaron shrugged. "You came all this way. If he wakes up again, at least he'll know you're here."

Maybe he shouldn't have offered that. But Madison had to be tired, had to be exhausted from driving back up North. Had the man even let his family know he was leaving? Or did he just disappear in the middle of the night, make a mental note to call them in the morning. Aaron rolled his shoulders, tried not to think about what it was that Alex said that prompted Madison to leave in the middle of the night. Tried not to think about what it meant that Madison apparently didn't think twice.

"Okay." Madison stood up, stretched, carefully took his backpack off to sit on the floor.

Didn't look at Aaron as he slid off his shoes, and Aaron looked away as Madison pulled off his hoodie. Looked up toward the ceiling instead. "You mind if I borrow your car? I was going to take the bus but-"

"Keys are in it."

Aaron nodded, spared one last glance at Alex before slipping out of the room. At least this meant that he could go grocery shopping. That would give him something practical to do. Something better than sitting around and waiting for Alex to wake up. He took a moment to deal with the abandoned cereal bowl in the kitchen before stepping outside. If nothing else, Madison being back meant that he and Alex could have some space.

They probably needed that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Ever asked yourself what Lafayette/Laurens would be like as parents? Wind_ryder has the answer. (this one ends in fluff I swear) ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6297931/chapters/14432137)


	10. "You're here."

There was the faint sound of snoring when Alex woke up.

Which was weird, because Aaron didn't usually snore. Alex made a displeased sound as he tried to stretch, skin still tight and angry. Eliza had warned him it would take a little over a week for the stitches to come out. That ideally the area needed to be cleaned twice a day. Lafayette has squeezed his hand at that, eyebrow raised. Alex hadn't been trying to be difficult. He really hadn't. But Laf had always been more interested in final outcomes than the effort put in. And at the end of the day, the final outcome of letting Alex try and take care of himself had been an infected wound and a lecture about the dangers of sepsis.

A reminder to watch out for any further signs of infection, and that if he had a fever, he needed to seek medical attention. Sooner rather than later- Mr. Hamilton. These things could be deadly. And even if not fatal, extremely problematic. As if Alex somehow didn't realize that. Didn't realize there would be consequences for his actions. Alex curled in on himself. They were the ones who didn't understand. He'd never meant to make it this far to begin with and while he'd never... he'd never. not to Aaron or Laf or John... But that didn't make it any easier to actually care for himself.

"Shhh," said the person next to him, and Alex started at the feel of a hand stroking his side.

Not Aaron.

Alex opened his eyes and did a double take. Madison was in his bed. James had been in Virginia the last time Alex checked. James was currently petting his side, eyes still closed, most likely more asleep than awake as he tried to shush Alex. With a soft sigh, Alex rolled over and wiggled until the hand that had been stroking his side became an arm around his stomach.

The second time that Alex woke up, he was alone again and if it weren't for Madison's backpack on the floor, he'd have thought he imagined the whole thing. Instead, he nudged it with his toes curiously before getting dressed. As much as he'd like to lay around in bed all day and pretend the world wasn't moving around him, he really did have to, at least, pretend to function.

Mads was sitting at the kitchen table, coffee cup in hand, and Alex dug around the fridge for a carton of yogurt before looking at him. "You're here."

"You texted me." Which, Alex had but-

"I didn't ask you to come back." At least, Alex didn't think he had, and his phone was still in the bedroom so he couldn't double check.

He'd just... been upset. And hadn't wanted to wake up Aaron or give Lafayette any more ammunition in his one man plot to make Alex's relationship as awkward as possible. Alex wasn't sure where 'crying about his feelings' fell on the scale of acceptable things to talk to John about either. It wasn't fighting or fucking, but he probably hadn't been nice enough yet to ask the other man to comfort him.

The coffee cup in Mads hand was almost half empty. "You want me to go?"

No. It was just that he knew how important family could be to people, and he hadn't meant to drag James away from his. Not from the little sisters or the dog. Not from his brothers or parents. Mads hadn't said much to him about them, but at least, he had them. And they seemed to be good people. Not like John's dad. Alex picked at the skin around his thumbnail. Unwilling to say either way.

Mads raised an eyebrow at his silence and finished the rest of his coffee in one swig. "What's with the bag on the counter?"

Alex glanced behind him, cringed. "Went to the doctor yesterday. Probably Aaron reminding me that I have to change the bandage."

There was a moment of quiet as Madison got up to rinse his mug, and then he stopped in the doorway, debating something. "The weird movie? The one with the coffee shop?"

Part of Alex wanted to mention that Madison used the word 'weird' extremely broadly and that it didn't exactly narrow down what he meant- except then it hit him. The day he'd taken the oxy away from Mads... Alex had mentioned showing him Angel sometime. It was one of his favorites. Straight guy falls in love with a gay guy, willing to give it a chance- still ends up being straight. Not exactly the usual gay romcom formula- but it also had the wacky mom trying to be supportive and Angel himself was gorgeous and despite the heartbreak... Everything was okay in the end.

Alex liked those movies the best. The ones where everything was okay and no one died. "What about it?"

"I've gotta call my mother and make sure she got my note, but after that..." Madison shrugged.

Movie night. Well, movie morning. Madison was not only agreeing to watch a movie with him but had brought it up. Alex brightened. "Can I make popcorn?"

"Yeah. Go ahead." With a wave of his hand, Madison disappeared back to the hallway.

By the time Alex had the laptop set up in the living room and the popcorn made, he'd reappeared, phone tucked between shoulder and ear as he finished up his conversation with a drawled 'yes, ma'am.'

Conscientious of the way Alex was staring, Mads made a face as he hung up. "What?"

"Say that again."

"What?" And then, as he realized what Alex meant, rolled his eyes. "Want to watch a movie or make fun of my accent?"

Alex stopped for a second, glancing toward the computer screen and then back at Mads. "Will you tell me about them?"

"About my family?" Madison sat down on the couch, shrugging. "What do you want to know?"

Everything. Alex's foster family... had been dismissive and negligent at best. And while he still had fond memories of his mother, he'd lost her almost a decade ago. John had been his only real friend in high school, and he didn't have a family either. Families were... mythical creatures as far as he was concerned. Mads was the oldest of seven. The oldest of his brothers, Francis was going to college in state this year. His youngest sister was barely learning to walk. Alex watched as the pictures flicked through on Madison's phone, listening intently to whatever details Mads was willing to share. It wasn't until Mads stopped on a picture of a little girl dressed for school, that Alex stopped him. Sarah, Mads had said.

"You really braid her hair?" Alex reached out, gently touching the screen where her little head was.

Madison moved the phone away, giving him a strange look. "Yeah? Learned how to do her hair in high school. Sat better for me than she did Mama."

"Will you braid my hair?" It was probably a silly thing to ask, especially considering the look Madison gave him, but in the end, Mads waved at him to sit between his knees on the floor. 

Alex took a moment to lean over first, to start the movie, before settling down and grinning at the feel of hands in his hair. 


	11. The meaning of Apples

Aaron was almost done with his grocery shopping when a voice startled him in the produce section. "He likes the green ones better."

It took him a moment to process the statement as he looked at the bag of sliced red apples in his hand, but in the end, he nodded. Put them back, only to find John already holding out a bag of green ones for him. "Thanks."

Without thinking about it, Aaron glanced around to see if Lafayette was around. But unless he'd gone in search of something in another aisle, it seemed John was shopping alone. Which, in a way, made the moment more awkward. Because at least with Lafayette he had an excuse for ditching immediately, instead of looking over the rest of the fruits and veggies wondering if he should say something else. But what did one even say to John? Especially, what did one say that didn't potentially aggravate barely healing wounds.

"Not that he would have complained about the red ones," John added suddenly, "Just likes sour things."

That was true. "Yeah, I learned about his... thing... with sour patch kids early on."

A brief smile crossed John's face, but it was gone in a flash- replaced by a carefully blank expression. "He snorted the dust on a dare once. Lot less funny considering."

So they were going there. Okay. Aaron drummed his fingers against the handle of the cart. "It's not your fault, you know? As he's fond of reminding me, he's capable of making his own decisions."

That earned him a raised eyebrow. "Are we talking about the same person? Alexander 'rub my belly and tell me what to do' Hamilton?"

Aaron didn't want to think about John rubbing Alex's stomach or the strange image the comment gave him. Alex curled up at John's feet like a dog, eager and hungry for affection. But... "So he's uh... always been like that?"

No, he didn't want to be talking about it with John but John was the only person who would be able to answer that particular question. The only person who knew Alex before the drugs, before Jefferson. And maybe... Maybe if it had always been a thing, if he could be sure that it wasn't a manifestation of trauma. But John wasn't giving him an answer, seemed to be thinking it over.

"We were good once." That wasn't an answer to his question, but Aaron nodded anyway. Wouldn't deny John that.

Another awkward silence and then John exhaled, shook his head. "One-time junior year- he was so stressed out about AP exams... It was the only way to get him to eat. Not that sometimes it wasn't... nicer things."

John's face wrinkled. "Definitely a trust thing, though. Got more than one black eye defending that mouth. Never saw a fight it couldn't pick."

Aaron didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. After a moment, John shrugged. "I should probably get back. You need a ride?"

"No. Thanks, though."

John nodded, grabbed his own basket before disappearing toward the line, no bothering to say goodbye. Which, considering he hadn't said hello either, Aaron couldn't exactly find it weird. Not any more than the general idea of John coming up to him in the middle of a grocery store to give him advice on Alex's preferences anyway.

Not that Madison showing up at the house at six in the morning had had him under any illusions that the day was going to be normal. Aaron rubbed at his face, it was still way too early to be dealing with life. And that was even considering that he'd stopped at a coffee shop to kill time until the grocery store opened. Part of him was tempted to stop again, on his way home.

It wasn't fair to avoid Alex like that. There was a difference between giving him space and doing everything he could to not be home. They were going to have to deal with things eventually. And it wasn't as if Aaron wasn't used to having to be the adult of the pair.

Aaron pressed his forehead against the wheel of the car when he pulled up in the driveway. That wasn't fair either. He wasn't being fair. But his nerves were shot and honestly, driving Madison's car again wasn't doing him any favors. He hadn't planned on getting one himself until he graduated, but then again, he hadn't planned on living off campus yet either. His entire four-year planned turned on its side all because of Alex.

That was fine. Aaron could adapt. It was worth it. Having Alex was worth it. Having people in his life that wanted to be around him was worth it.

Aaron took a steadying breath before grabbing the bags out of the car, making a mental note to come back and get the rest of it later. The rest of the bags weren't particularly important, so long as he made sure that he had anything that needed to stay cold.

It took him a moment to juggle by holding the bags he did have and getting the door open, but once he'd managed it he stepped inside, just glad to finally be home. He paused at the entrance before shaking his head, forcing himself to keep walking, to put away the groceries. Once he was sure that everything was where it was supposed to be, he could double back and try to make sense of the scene in the living room.

Of course, it didn't become any less strange the second time he walked into the living room. Alex was still curled up, sleeping topless on Madison's chest. His hair was still done in two braids, and Madison's head was still tipped to the side.

As if Alex had fallen asleep on him and he'd been unwilling to disturb him to try and find a more comfortable position himself. 

Children. The both of them. 


	12. Smoke

When Alex woke up for the third time that morning, two things occurred to him: One, someone had made food and two, there was a blanket over him that hadn't been there when he'd fallen asleep.

Curiously, he held it out in front of his face as he yawned, trying to figure out how it'd gotten there. It seemed unlikely that Mads had managed to get out from under him, get a blanket, and then put him back in the same position. But he also didn't remember getting up at any point.

Behind him, Aaron answered his question. "You looked cold."

Oh. Alex stretched as he turned, blanket falling away and reminding him of his state of undress. Fuck. Except Aaron didn't look upset, sitting in the armchair, book in hand closed as he focused on Alex. Didn't look like he'd come home from wherever to find his boyfriend half naked asleep on top of his roommate, especially the night after said boyfriend was the biggest brat in the world over his sexuality. 

Alex puffed out his cheeks. "Madison uh, helped me change the bandages."

That hadn't been the intention, but Mads had asked about his doctor's appointment while braiding Alex's hair. And it wasn't that Alex trusted Mads more than he trusted Aaron, it was just that... What Madison thought about his body didn't matter. Mads wasn't his boyfriend. And besides, he'd been super blushy- gentlemanly about the whole thing. Keeping his eyes averted as much as possible or focusing just on the area he was cleaning. Had reassured Alex that it was fine when he got twitchy, and then again when he started to cry. Had rubbed his back afterward until he'd fallen asleep. 

But still. Alex plucked at the blanket, it couldn't have been a nice sight for Aaron to come home to. And Aaron had said he wanted to help, wanted to be there for Alex and Alex had jumped on the first chance to rely on someone else. Again.

"Alex," Aaron's voice cut through his anxious fidgeting, "Come here."

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Alex got up, carefully covering Madison with the blanket before he moved to stand in front of Aaron. Who promptly tugged on his wrist, leaving Alex no choice but to scramble so that he was kneeling in the chair, straddling Aaron's thighs.

There were fingers on his chin, encouraging him to look up. "Why are you so anxious? I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself."

"I should have come to you." Should have trusted Aaron. Should have listened. Shouldn't have pushed. Shouldn't have been such a brat last night.

The hands that had been on his face moved to steady his hips, moving Alex forward in the process. "I care more that it gets done. You have other people in your life, Alex. It's okay that you go to them."

When Alex didn't respond, Aaron sighed. "I know things are hard right now, but they're hard enough without you thinking I'm going to be upset when you do the right thing. You did good. Is that what you need? For me to call you a good boy?"

It'd been weeks since Aaron had called him that. Despite spending the time from the cabin up over using pet names and the phrase in general, it'd all pretty much stopped after he'd been taken. Princess had pretty much only reentered the fold because Aaron had been jealous over Lafayette. 

The right thing to do would be to say yes, maybe even ask if Aaron would kiss him. But Alex couldn't help himself. "Why'd you stop?" 

It took a moment for Aaron to process what he was saying and then he sighed. "I was worried. I don't know... You won't talk about what happened and I'm not saying you have to. But the last thing I wanted to do was accidentally say something he did."

Alex gritted his teeth. "Planning on calling me an ugly bastard anytime soon? Or taunting me that it doesn't matter how long I last, that you'll have your way in the end. That the only thing pretty about me is my screams? No? Then stop worrying you're anything like him."

There was that nauseous look again. Fuck Aaron for pressing and then not being able to handle the answer. Alex shoved himself up, ignoring the way that Aaron went to grab for his hand again. No, Alex didn't want to be there, and Alex wasn't going to be. 

It wasn't until he was safely outside that he stopped moving. Wasn't sure where he was going or what he was supposed to do from there. His cell phone was still inside and even if it wasn't, he didn't know who to text. Hercules didn't get service in Ireland. If talking to Aaron about Jefferson was bad, talking to Lafayette was worse. Alex didn't need to hear about how they should have killed Jefferson when they had the chance. Didn't want to hear about more violence, especially in the creepy way positive tilt that Laf always used. 

And John... Alex hadn't earned John back yet.

Vaguely Alex was aware that someone had followed him outside, but he didn't look up at the sound of the door shutting. It didn't matter. He didn't want to talk to Aaron. Definitely didn't want another pat on the head as Aaron assured him that it was fine that he was a wreck. 

"Smoke?"

Alex rubbed his eyes, embarrassed to realize he'd been crying again as he leaned against the house. There was a pack of cigarettes being extended his way, but Alex shook his head. Madison hummed, removing his own cigarette before pocketing the pack. For a while they stood there, not saying a word as Madison blew puffs of smoke into the wind.

It wasn't until he was almost through that Alex had himself collected enough to broach the subject. "I didn't know you smoked."

Madison shrugged, staring at the lit tip. "Didn't before. Takes the edge off the buzzing."

Aaron would have said something about replacing one vice with another. Aaron had absolutely no idea what it was like to get sober, though. There were still days that the itch was background noise to Alex's anxiety. Still times when it felt like the easy answer. Feel something? Pop a pill. Don't even bother trying to figure out what it is. 

"Jefferson's an asshole."

Alex froze. "You heard that, huh?"

Made sense. They had only been a foot or so away from James and he hadn't even bothered to make sure he'd been asleep the whole time. But Madison's face didn't show disgust or pity the same way Aaron's did, just careful blankness as he finished his smoke. When he was through, he snubbed it out before glancing for somewhere to put the butt, tucking it back in the pack when he didn't find anywhere.

Once the pack was back in his pocket, he turned to Alex. "Come on. Back inside before your weirdo boyfriend anxiety cleans the kitchen."


	13. Free Time

One day, hopefully, sooner rather than later, Aaron was going to learn how to stop putting his foot in his mouth. He could have said anything else. He could have asked Alex if he wanted to be called that again. Could have said he'd been tired. Could have said he didn't know. That it'd slipped his mind. That he'd misread something and thought might not like it anymore. Could have said anything other than that he was worried. It wasn't as if Aaron didn't know how resistant to people being concerned about him Alex was.

But no. Aaron had mentioned that he was worried. And then Alex had snapped back at him, and it'd shown. Which was ridiculous, because Aaron could remember a time when he would have been able to keep his reaction off of his face and he didn't understand why that was failing him again. Especially when it was obvious that his inability to control himself was causing Alex more pain. Aaron dug his nails into his palm, pointedly exhaled, and stood up. The last thing he needed to do was continue to sit around the living room fuming at himself. Madison had walked out after Alex. He'd have texted or popped his head back in if Alex was missing. Better to trust him to pick up the pieces where Aaron was failing.

Aaron was folding the blanket he'd thrown over Alex that morning when Madison and Alex finally came back in.

To which Madison raised an eyebrow and threw a comment back in Alex's direction. "Stress cleaning."

As if Madison had any room to comment on Aaron's coping skills, especially considering he smelled like a smoke stack. But the comment made Alex smile and that was enough to make Aaron swallow his pride and let it slide.

Before Aaron could do anything misguided like apologize, Madison glanced between the two of them and pointedly shoved his hands in his pockets. "So," he said, "what does the weirdest couple on campus do in their free time?"

They hadn't yet figured that out, had they? On campus, it'd been classes and trying to deal with everything, and spending the little time that they had to relax cuddling. And they'd spent the last week or so getting settled into the house and dealing with the wound drama. But summer was here, they had more free time. Free time that they were going to figure out how to spend with one another without stepping on land mines.

When neither of them answered him quickly enough, Madison raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to thank you for not mentioning that weird thing that you do and say that hey, there's a park not too far from here. I think there's even a swingset, I get the strange sense Mutt would enjoy swings."

What weird thing Madison was referencing, Aaron wasn't actually positive. Before he'd have assumed the cuddling thing, considering James' relationship to pda, but seeing as Aaron had walked in on him and Alex curled up together more than a handful of times at this point- it seemed unlikely that was the issue. But going to the park... that sounded nice. A chance to get out of the house without any expectation of productivity.

A glance in Alex's direction confirmed that he was okay with the idea. More than okay, if the slightly bouncing and tugging on Madison's sleeve meant anything. "Does that mean you'll push me on the swing? Can we stop by the store and make it a picnic? With candy?"

"I went grocery shopping this morning," Aaron pitched in. "We could make sandwiches."

Alex twisted to look at him, and Aaron couldn't help but be relieved at the grin he saw there. "But did you get candy?"

"No. I did, however, get you granny smith apples- with the caramel dip." Speaking of which, "John said to tell you hi."

That was a slight exaggeration. But John had willingly chosen to approach Aaron. He'd even talked about Alex. And while John was still more of a mystery to Aaron than not, that seemed like a lot of effort for someone like John to go through for no reason. It was some kind of reaching out, and it probably had more to do with Alex than a burning desire to talk to Aaron about produce.

When Alex spoke, his voice was small, "Really?"

Had Aaron misstepped again?  He'd hoped that the reminder that John cared would be a good thing. "Apparently you once snorted the dust out of a bag sour patch kids... And you wonder why I don't buy candy."

"It was one time! And John dared me, so if you're going to judge anyone- it should be him." Alex chewed on his bottom lip for a second. "Remind me to text him later?"

Aaron nodded and then blinked when he caught sight of the time. "If you want sandwiches, why don't you go in the kitchen and start that?"

"Picnic!" Alex said, though he did pause in the doorway of the kitchen to glare back at Aaron briefly. "Don't think this gets you out of getting me candy."

Aaron watched him disappear completely with a fond expression, before turning to look at Madison. "Thank you."

Madison shrugged, looking unimpressed. "For realizing that you're dating a four-year-old?" 

As much as he was trying to pass it off as not that big of a thing, Madison had just managed to defuse a tense moment between Alex and Aaron. Had brought Alex back inside looking calmer than when he'd left- and then turned around and suggested something that Alex would enjoy. That they could all do together. Had done it all while managing what Aaron couldn't seem to do, without making Alex feel like a burden or like he was being treated with kiddie gloves. 

"You can't get away with pretending you don't care about him anymore," Aaron said, "Not after you drove hours in the middle night because of him."

Another shrug, and the Madison looked toward the kitchen. "Y'all both texted. Seemed like it was time to come back." 

The statement hung in the air for a moment and then Madison made a face. "Now come on, unless you've started trusting him with knives, Mutt's gonna need help."


	14. Threesomes

"Put your tongue back in your mouth, Alex."

Alex raised an eyebrow at the tone, considered the command, and swallowed the sour patch kid he'd been showing Aaron. Waited a beat before grabbing another one. "Whatcha going to do if I don't?"

The air around them was warm, and Alex wanted to roll in it. It wasn't the cabin in the mountains by any means, but it was far enough away from campus, from the places that he knew that it was easier to just relax. To not worry about who might be around or who they might see. They'd grabbed a thick blanket, one meant for the winter time to use so that they could sit on the ground, and he was currently stretched across it. Dinner had been simple but nice, the three of them hanging out in the park chatting about possible summer plans. At some point, Aaron was considering going to the beach, had even asked if Madison would be interested in joining them if so. James had nodded, then mentioned that it'd depend on whether or not he got the job at the smoke shop. He was scheduled for an interview late next week. 

From there the conversation had moved onto grousing about some professor, apparently from a class the two had taken together. It meant Alex was cut out of sharing his opinion, but considering they were actually talking, he didn't mind. Just laid back and enjoyed the sunshine until Madison's phone had rung. He'd muttered something about his mother under his breath before disappearing down a trail to talk to her in privacy, leaving Alex to amuse himself.

Thus the candy antics. 

Aaron rolled his eyes at the taunt, which hadn't been the reaction he'd been hoping for. Fine. Alex glanced toward the trail Mads had walked down, making sure he wasn't on his way back before rolling over so that his head was closer to where Aaron was propping himself up on one elbow. "Is this you making me ask again?"

A furrowed brow was all the response Alex needed. No wonder Aaron preferred it when Alex asked, if he was that oblivious. "If you haven't recanted on actually liking kissing-"

If he had... Alex wasn't sure how he felt about that. Aaron not wanting to have sex with him because Aaron didn't like sex was one thing. One thing he'd probably need a lot of ego stroking through, but something Alex could live with none the less. No one had ever died of sexual frustration before. Not that they'd died of lack of affection either, but if anyone was likely to- Alex was on that list and he knew it.

Aaron glanced in the direction that Mads had walked off. "Madison-"

"Mads is talking to his mom, and even if not, we're dating. I don't think he's going to be shocked if you kiss your boyfriend."

For a moment, Alex thought Aaron was going to stick to his guns. Refuse to kiss him because of the risk of Madison coming back. Which was really going to suck considering the man lived with them. There was a difference between not choosing to make out in front of Mads, and trying to avoid the risk of him seeing it at all. The kiss in the kitchen had been nice, and he wanted more moments like that-

There was a hand cradling his head, and Alex leaned up into the kiss. Slow and sweet. Spread his legs when Aaron's knee came to settle between them, doing his best to stay focused on the fact that it was Aaron before giving in to the urge to roll them. Part of him expected Aaron to be annoyed, or at least concerned, but Aaron just looked up, waiting for him to make the next move.

Instead of resuming the kiss, Alex rubbed his cheek against Aaron's t-shirt, relaxing further when Aaron wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Y'all done or do you need me to go?" Madison's voice came a few minutes later, and Alex turned his head to see the man awkwardly standing at the mouth of the trail.

Whoops. "You could always come kiss me too."

"Alex," Aaron's voice was a quiet warning, "we've talked about the whole inviting my roommate to threesomes thing. He doesn't like it."

Madison scoffed as he joined them on the blanket. "Not any weirder than half the other shit Mutt does. Or did you tune out him threatening to kiss me for buying him candy at the gas station."

Alex laughed, even as Aaron tightened his hold. "Saying 'I could kiss you' is not a threat, Mads. It's a declaration of happiness."

Madison raised an eyebrow. "No, the threat is your boyfriend smothering me in my sleep tonight because you keep doing this."

"To be honest," Aaron said, ignoring the indignant huff Alex made as he was forced to roll off as Aaron sat up,"I was too busy glaring at the cashier to keep her from saying anything about someone's current fashion statement."

It took Alex a moment to realize that Aaron was talking about him. But he wasn't wearing anything strange, just jeans and a jacket that he'd stolen from Aaron, the sleeves shoved up to his elbows. Nothing clashing or sloppy looking. If anything he looked like any other college student in the area. Realizing his confusion, Madison leaned over to flick the end of one of his braids, and Alex shrugged.

"I think I look cute." Very cute, in fact. Though next time he wanted to see if Mads would do it in a single braid instead of the two. "You're just jealous because you don't have any hair."

"You're absolutely adorable, Mutt." Before Alex could comment that his tone seemed more sarcastic than sincere, Mads glanced at his phone again. "Not to rush y'all or anything- but the sun will be going down soon."

Alex considered making a joke about Madison turning into a pumpkin, but Aaron was already pulling him to his feet. It didn't take them long to clean everything up and get it packed back in the car. Aaron wrapped an arm around his shoulders once they were in the car, and Alex hummed, pleased. 


	15. One step forward, two steps back

Two days later saw Alex at lunch with the violent duo. It had been unexpected, though not unwelcome. Lafayette had swung by to collect him, citing something about not allowing John and Alex to wither from a lack of culture over the summer. Aaron wasn't particularly aware what that meant, but Alex had been excited for the chance to get out of the house and he was hardly going to argue about his boyfriend going to enjoy himself with his friends.

It did, however, leave him and Madison alone together in the house for the first time. Which shouldn't have felt weird, considering the fact that they'd been roommates long before Alex ever entered into the picture. And yet it did. Though Aaron wasn't sure if that was just him, or if Madison was feeling it too. 

Aaron took another bite of his sandwich, staring blankly down at the paperwork in front of him as James searched the fridge for his own lunch. He'd already read over it multiple times, could probably recite the cancellation policy by memory, though he hadn't been able to focus through the legalese that was the privacy policy. Alex had already signed it, had already filled out the pieces that were asked of him, barely looked over the large blocks of text in the meantime.

"Doubt it's changed since you read it last." Madison pulled up the chair across from him at the table, container of cold spaghetti in his hands.

It made Aaron crinkle his nose. "I'm just trying to figure out if there's anything I can do to make it easier for him." Aaron frowned, glanced toward the door, wondering how much he was allowed to say. "He didn't tell me that he needed to go to the doctor, for the other. And that was a one-time thing. Much less having to see someone regularly."

Part of him felt bad for even sharing that much. But it wasn't as if Madison didn't know that Alex was planning to go to therapy. Alex had spent most of yesterday flickering around the house worrying about what it was going to be like. What he was expected to say. Whether or not his therapist was going to smell like pepperoni- which was an oddly specific concern that Aaron had almost questioned before Alex moved on to the next complaint. 

"You consider going to one?" 

Aaron gave him a look. "No. I was going to drop him off at the door. I mean, obviously whether or not I go into his session is up to him, but I'm not just going to abandon him there tomorrow."

That earned him an eye roll as Madison took the time to swallow before speaking again, "No. Like... going to one. yourself."

"You have an issue with my behaviour lately, James?" Okay, maybe that was a bit colder than necessary, but Madison was out of line.

It was one thing for Alex to need professional help. Alex a. was mandated to go if he wanted to be allowed back to classes in the spring and b. had actually been through trauma. A rather large amount of it, if Aaron's guess was right. The therapist was supposed to help him process what had happened, maybe find some new coping skills considering the fact that he couldn't turn to drugs anymore. Help him get to a point where he didn't need someone constantly glued to his side in order to leave the house.

And sure, maybe Aaron had been a little stressed lately. Maybe he'd even been a little jumpy himself, but it was hard not to be with Alex around all the time. Sometimes the nervous energy just spread from one person to the next. And comparatively, he was doing just fine. 

Madison regarded him for a moment, shrugged. "Might help him."

Aaron stared at him blankly until Madison sighed and went on to explain himself. "Mutt doesn't like feeling singled out. If you saw someone too... Might go a long way in making him not feel broken."

Oh. Aaron hadn't considered that. "What would I even talk to a therapist about? I don't need to go over my tragic childhood."

Maybe referring to his childhood as tragic wasn't the best way to convince Madison he didn't need to talk about it. But he was being sarcastic. Making a point. Aaron was fine. He hadn't been the one in the house with Jefferson. Hadn't been the one who had their chest carved up. Who was apparently terrified that their boyfriend didn't want them anymore because of it. Aaron poked at the glass of water he had on the table, watching as it moved. He'd just been the one to screw up and not talk to his boyfriend about his sexuality until it was too late. Not to mention the one who hadn't been strong enough to get Alex out of the situation to begin with. Alex's chest wouldn't be in as rough shape if he hadn't of needed to wait for Lafayette and Laurens. 

"Him?" Madison said finally, "Classes? How much Lafayette pisses you off? How much I piss you off? "

"I'm not going to pay a therapist to sit around and complain about Alex." 

Madison was giving him that deadpan look again. "'Hey my boyfriend had his chest carved up by a sadistic drug dealer and I don't know how to help him without pissing him off' might be something worth asking."

"I'm doing my best." And fuck Madison if he didn't realise that.

But Madison didn't rise to the bait, didn't respond to his anger, just pointed his fork at him. "You're a college student. I'm a college student. You recognize Mutt needs someone who has training, get your head out of your ass long enough to see that the same thing might help you."

"I don't see you offering to go to therapy to make him feel better about it."

"I'm not his boyfriend." A statement Aaron didn't need to be pointed out, as Madison finally pushed himself up from the table to put the rest of the leftovers away. "And don't act like you know shit about what I do with my time."

Aaron frowned, "Madison-" abandoned the sentiment at the sound of a door shutting.

Well, shit.


	16. glitter

Aaron's body beneath him was warm.

At this point, it was almost a game. See how long he could get away with pressing his open mouth against fabric or skin before Aaron reacted. Sometimes exhaling hot air, most of the time just resting there. One makeshift kiss against his collarbone, three quick ones to Aaron's shoulder, but it wasn't until he accidentally brushed against a nipple that a hand came up to tug on his hair.

"Do you need something?" Aaron asked.

Alex shrugged. "Can't sleep."

Nevermind that it had been Alex's suggestion that they lay down after dinner. It was just that Aaron had looked so tired, and the man was ridiculous, didn't like going to bed before Alex did. Not that he ever said as such, but it wasn't hard to pick up on when Alex would finish working on something and get up and within a few seconds Aaron would close his book to join him. 

"Why don't you tell me about your afternoon?" The 'rather than molest me' went unsaid.

Fine. Alex could do that. "Lafayette took us to get Thai food. I teased him that I wasn't aware he ate anything that wasn't French, considering his hard-on for the mother country."

That, at least, got a small laugh out of Aaron. "I'm pretty sure you're the only person who could tease him and live to tell the tale."

"He isn't that scary," Alex defended, chin digging into Aaron's chest as he looked up at him. "Laf's just... big. And used to getting his way."

Lafayette didn't need him to defend him, but Alex felt like he had to do it anyway. Especially considering everything the upperclassman had done for him. And if it had been sprinkled with the occasional bout of manhandling Alex, who didn't manhandle him? And for the most part, he only tended to press when it was for the greater good of someone else. He'd been right to press about the hip thing, hadn't he? And unless something had happened without his knowledge, Lafayette had yet to say anything about the awkward argument he'd witnessed. 

For a moment Alex thought Aaron might argue with him, but when his boyfriend spoke it was just to ask what else they'd done.

They'd gone to a museum afterward. John had rolled his eyes at the idea, but even if it wasn't something that either of them would have done without Lafayette's prompting- it'd been kind of fun. John'd even thrown an arm over his shoulder at one point, using it to guide Alex to another exhibit- a strange representation of a house on fire. Had elbowed Alex in the side and called him a pervert when Alex stared a little too long at the nude portraits.

Alex fumbled over his words, trying to explain them to Aaron. Black and white altered pictures. Alex liked the ones with the glitter the best, wanted to reach out and touch them. There were others too, ones with thread woven throughout them, or paint splattered across the surface. The people in them weren't stick thin either, the women weren't always curvy, or the men muscular. They'd been... people one might find on the street. Not models. Beautiful in their own right and then altered to be extraordinary.

Eventually, he settled into silence, unsure of how to continue. There was more he could say, of course. There'd been an entire wall dedicated to bizarre comic book monsters that Alex thought would look better on the ceiling. A bunch of strange statues. A giant purple glow cloud. But Aaron was being quiet, not even humming to pretend that he was listening. 

Not sleeping either, just staring into the darkness with a small frown on his face. "Whatcha thinking about?"

A beat and then, "Therapy."

Oh. "I said I'd go tomorrow. You don't have to worry about that. I'll be a good boy and even try not to complain too much."

It didn't matter how much Alex didn't want to go, he had no interest in being dragged by Lafayette at a later date, or dealing with Aaron's disappointment if he didn't do as he was supposed to. Aaron had already been ridiculously patient with him, listening to all his concerns without comment, offering solutions when he had them. Hadn't asked Alex to justify himself or to be reasonable. Just let him pace and talk it out. Which really only added to the fact that he had to do it. Had to go tomorrow. 

Aaron stroked his back, soothing circles that Alex could settle in to. "My good boy. I wasn't thinking about tomorrow though."

"Huh?" If not tomorrow, what was Aaron talking about?

"What would you think if I went to go see someone too?" Aaron wanted to see a therapist? "Obviously not the same person you're seeing... But I thought, maybe it might be a good idea."

Alex frowned. "Are you okay? Is something going on?"

There was a pointed exhale. "Nothing to worry about. It's just been pointed out to me that it might be worth pursuing, if nothing else, to keep my head on straight about everything going on. But if it's going to stress you out... It was a passing thought. That's all."

"You'd tell me if you weren't feeling well, right?" 

That was what mattered. The idea that Aaron might be hurting and trying to hide it from him settled uneasily in his stomach. Made him feel queasy, even though he knew the discomfort made him a hypocrite. After all, he hadn't told Aaron about his hip. Why would Aaron be open with him?

The hand on his back traveled higher to card through his hair. "I'm fine, Alex. I promise. James brought it up and... I've just been thinking about whether or not it'd be worth going myself. It might be nice to have a second opinion on things occasionally. An unbiased one." 

That didn't sound so bad. In fact, it might even be a good thing. Someone that Aaron could talk to about everything that had happened. "Do you want me to ask Hercules for the list he gave me?"

Aaron shook his head, kissed his forehead. "I think I can google it on my own."

Alex puffed out his cheeks, pressed his mouth against Aaron's shoulder and exhaled again. "See that you do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All art talked about in this chapter are from a contemporary art museum near my house.


	17. To Therapy We Go

Alex's appointment was at noon.

Which was fine. They still had an hour. Wouldn't need to leave for another thirty minutes, and even that was giving them leeway to make sure that they had the right place. Alex was eating breakfast, alternating between shoving spoonfuls of fruitloops in his mouth and apple slices because apparently manners were beyond him. Aaron exhaled out of his nose, tried to remind himself that not everyone grew up in households that pushed table manners more than kind words. That Alex had grown up in the foster system, if John Laurens was to be believed, not with a rich relative more interested in showing off a cohesive household than actually parenting.

Madison stuck his head in the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed in a pair of black slacks and a button down. That seemed to be his own dress code these days, and Aaron wondered if it was his own way of separating himself from looking like a drug dealer. It wasn't a particularly kind thought, though, so he blinked it away.

"Mutt," There was a beat as Madison waited for Alex to turn and acknowledge him, "you going dressed like that? Should I pack a jacket?"

Aaron twisted. "We're going to a doctor's office- not on a trip."

The question didn't appear to be strange to Alex though, who nodded. "Yeah, that'd be nice. Thanks, Mads."

"Why is Madison packing things for you?" Aaron asked after the other man had disappeared back down the hall.

"Because he loves me," Alex said chipperly and then, in a much more concerned tone, "You aren't allowed to be upset with him. I said that. Though I do suspect deep down in his heart that he loves me because really, who doesn't."

"Glad to know your ego hasn't gone down any, Hamilton." Madison popped back in, this time with a backpack in his hand. "Though, if you really didn't want my roomie killing me- you might consider.. ya know. not being you."

A flying apple slice reaffirmed Aaron's suspicion that he was actually dating a child. A disturbing thought that he'd have to deal with at a time that they weren't in need of leaving. "Alex, finish eating. Clean up your mess- dishes in the sink- With water in them. And then we have to go."

Telling him what to do still felt weird, but when Aaron suggested doing things- Alex whined and put them off as long as possible. When told what to do, he listened most of the time without grumbling. For whatever reason, Alex was content to be bossed around, and with things like this, it wasn't that much of an issue. Alex did need to clean up after himself, after all. Aaron didn't have to have weird feelings about whether or not he was forcing the man to do something he didn't actually want to do.

Besides, it had the added benefit that when Alex was through, Aaron could catch his arm and give him a quick kiss. Call him a good boy. Aaron's good boy. Aaron's ridiculous boyfriend was what he was.

But god was Aaron fond of him.

"Come on, Sweetie, we've got to get going." Alex rolled his eyes, then leaned in for a small kiss.

Madison picked his bag up again. "Well, while y'all are being weird- I'mma be in the car, Mutt."

The car ride there went faster than expected, Alex settled next to Aaron in the back seat, knee jumping as he rambled about nothing in particular. Part of Aaron felt bad for not trying to engage with the conversation further, but it didn't seem like Alex was actually trying to talk to him so much as fill the air. From the front, Madison responded just enough to keep Alex going, and Aaron focused on holding Alex's hand, rubbing small circles into his palm.

"Uh, there's a coloring book in the bag. And a normal book. One of my jackets because I've never actually seen you wear one that wasn't Aaron's and I wasn't about to go in his closet. One of those weird ass fidget toy things, courtesy of Francis. A couple of cereal bars and a notebook. Thought about putting apples in there, but knowing you, you wouldn't eat them and forget to take them out."

Aaron stared, trying to figure out if he should be offended on Alex's behalf, but the man just grinned. Delighted as he accepted the backpack from Madison. James confirmed that the appointment was supposed to take around two hours, and reminded Aaron to text him if he needed to be picked up in the mean time before driving off. Where the man was planning on going in the meantime, Aaron wasn't actually sure.

The office itself wasn't hard to find. Alex held his hand as they walked into the waiting room. Aaron raised an eyebrow at the vaguely buddhist theme, the light music playing in the background, the bamboo and water running rock fixture. It seemed a bit much, especially when paired with the generic phrases done in what appeared to be Kanji, right next to some scripture on a blackboard. Made a mental note to check out the physical locations before calling to make an appointment for himself.

Alex fidgeted with his wallet as he talked to the girl behind the glass, handed over his paperwork and insurance card. Waited as she scanned it into the system, didn't whine when Aaron handed over the copay. That had been a point of contention, because it didn't seem to matter how many times Aaron clarified that he had a trust fund, Alex was still worried about not having earned it. As if Aaron had. Both of their parents were dead, and while it wasn't a competition or something that should be compared, being around Alex had made him aware of just how lucky he had been to have what he did.

Almost immediately Alex pulled on Madison's jacket, and Aaron almost made a comment about it not being that cold before realizing it was probably a comfort thing. How Alex was going to survive the heat of the summer considering his insistence on wearing Aaron's jackets everywhere, he wasn't sure. But he seemed to be happiest when half buried in fabric, and so long as it kept Alex in the office and not trying to figure out an escape plan- Aaron wasn't going to argue.

"Mr. Hamilton?" The woman from behind the glass had come around, was holding open the door to the back hallway. "If you wouldn't mind coming this way."

Alex gripped the toy he'd been playing with, dropping it in the backpack and zipping it up before looking at the lady. "Can he come with me? To the back?"

"Of course, sir. Right this way." She smiled graciously, even as Aaron wove his hand in Alex's and followed them down the hall.

Alex could do this, Aaron believed in him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [What are your feelings on big poly family?](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/7G3LKR7) Obviously it would be... major end game. nothing any time soon. I took 75k to get alex/aaron to kiss and admit feelings. and while there were other complications there... don't worry that you'll click one and like next chapter Lafayette's living in the house ya know. But if I am headed in any of those directions.. I'd like to have the heads up now to make sure I am building up their relationships as people. Also- just to be absolutely clear- everything would be done with everyone's knowledge. And as healthy as I can make it without changing their personalities. I Am Who I Am. so even in situations where one party isn't involved in the poly family, or where parties are dating the same person but not one another- there will be lots of communication.
> 
> my blog over on tumblr has more conversations about possible big poly family- for those of y'all who haven't checked that out. (>> including a nsfw one. whoops.)  
> If nothing else- you can get a one shot of Aaron waking up, thinking he's asleep on mads and kissing Lafayette's chest because whoops- not mads.  
> [ I know some folks asked about Jefferson's/Madison's friendship pre Alex. ](http://writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com/post/148427140991/your-bed-head-is-really-cute-tjeffsjmads%22)
> 
> as always, inbox is open for questions, comments, prompts, I don't always respond but i do promise they mean the Most to me. One of the reasons I update basically daily is because of the validation and feedback y'all give me.


	18. Therapy

Dr. 'Call me Ben' Franklin was not what Alex pictured when he thought of therapists. Then again, until recently, he always thought of therapists as middle aged brunette women with high buns and pencil skirts, strict, angry women who weren't willing to understand that he'd been trying. Or worse, strange men with too many teeth in their smile, ones that smelled like meat and wanted to hug him. That sent off too many red flags, that seemed a little too interested in all the wrongs thing.

Needless to say, Alex's experience with the counselors the school had sent him too hadn't exactly been positive. 

If Alex had to guess, Ben was probably around John's height, though he had a stomach that made him appear much larger. It moved as he talked and it was probably rude of Alex to keep staring at it, but Dr. Franklin was wearing a weird purple jacket and it looked so soft against his dark skin. Alex wanted to touch it, to see if it was the kind of fabric that changed hues when pushed a certain way. That would be weird, though, so he settled for flopping onto the couch, dragging Aaron to sit with him.

"Mr. Hamilton, or would you prefer I call you Alexander?" Ben began, and Alex made a face, corrected him. Just Alex, please. "Alright, Alex. So the first thing we're going to do today is get to know each other. I know you filled out some of the paperwork, but I'm going to ask some questions. Would you prefer I record the session or take notes?"

Notes. Notes were deniable, his voice saying things wasn't. Franklin talked about some more policy measures, Aaron speaking up to fill in the blanks when he didn't think Alex was following. Clarifying when he wasn't certain. And then- then he left.

Squeezed Alex's hand and told him that he'd be right outside if he needed him, but that Alex would probably be more comfortable talking about his past without him there. Which was true, maybe. It wasn't like they'd really talked about it before. But Alex didn't want to be alone with this man, no matter how nice he was being.

"Do you mind if I light some incense, Alex? I find smells can be a powerful tool in creating the right environment," Ben asked after the door closed behind Aaron.

That was fine, Alex nodded, fiddling with the edges of Madison's sleeves. Even though they weren't that far away from each other in height, Madison was bulky in a way Alex wasn't, and he carefully tucked his bent knees into the body of the jacket to create a cocoon as the doctor walked over to the bookshelf to light his incense. All in all, it was a cozy office. Dark hardwood floors and a nice neutral rug in the middle. There was the couch Alex had claimed, but also a chair off to the side and the desk that the doctor sat at. It faced the wall, with Franklin's back to it throughout most of the session so far. 

The only thing between them when Franklin sat back down was a low table, scattered with all sorts of papers and books, not to mention what appeared to be a small sand tray. "Now that that's done, I wanted to ask how you'd like to proceed. We can start with the beginning- with the end- work in themes if that's what you need."

Alex wasn't sure what themes meant. Wasn't sure how he was supposed to start from the end either. So he just opened his mouth and said, "My mom's dead. Dad skipped out of town after I learned to talk."

Franklin nodded, wrote something down on his pad. Asked about his early school history, about where he was from. Alex stared at the bookshelf, at the knick knacks there as he answered. The Nevis, mom moved them to the states soon before she died. Stared at the woven tapestries on the wall as he talked about the foster care system. There was a yoga mat in the corner, but Alex couldn't imagine Ben doing yoga, though the idea of him doing a headstand with his long braid curled up on the floor was amusing. Alex focused on that as he talked about high school, about John. Did his best to keep it short, a few sentences for each topic at the most. 

Finally, Franklin settled back in his chair, making careful eye contact when Alex would allow it. "That brings us to now. To college. Your paperwork said you had to leave school on a psych leave, would you like to tell me about what brought you to my office."

No. No Alex would not. His childhood trauma was rehearsed, a sob story repeated at will to teachers and counselors and anyone else who forced him into talking about it. "I messed around with the wrong drug dealer. Ended up in a situation I couldn't get myself out of. "

"This dealer, is he still around? Are you safe?" That was an honest question, an understandable question, it still made Alex dig his nails into his thighs.

"I couldn't... I stopped going to classes because I was afraid of him. Even when I knew he was gone. Rehab. Got caught doing coke-" Alex took a deep breath, checked himself so that he didn't accidentally say something that might get Laurens or Lafayette in trouble, "So I guess I'm safe."

"But you don't feel safe?"

Alex looked at the floor. "Not right now."

"Do you not feel safe with me?" Ben's tone wasn't angry and Alex shrugged.

"It's not you. It's just..." Alex trailed off, not sure how to explain that he only felt safe when Aaron or Lafayette were around. That even being out of the house felt like a big accomplishment at the moment.

"I think your... friend? had a point about you maybe not feeling comfortable talking in front of him," Ben supplied, "But he's just outside."

Alex nodded, eyes scanning the rest of the room, searching for something that he hadn't seen before. "Aaron's my boyfriend. But I shouldn't have to have someone glued to my side all the time to not feel like my heart is going to end up outside of my chest. Mads would do his weird counting breathing thing- but I've tried it when he's not there and I can't..."

"It can be hard practicing a coping skill by yourself, rather than following someone's lead." At least, that made him feel a little better about not being able to do it on his own. "Is that something you'd be interested in pursuing in therapy? Breathing exercises?"

Breathing exercises Alex could do, so he nodded again. And then again when Franklin asked his opinion on trying more eccentric therapies. Something about how traditional therapy had its place, but that Ben had never been a particular fan of spending every session talking. Not that he wouldn't, if that was what Alex needed. Alex was willing to try anything, and honestly, not having to talk that much sounded like a dream come true. Maybe if he was lucky he wouldn't have to talk about what happened at all.


	19. Good with Him

Twenty minutes after Aaron excused himself to the waiting room, Madison shuffled back in, head low over his phone even as he took the seat next to Aaron.

"I didn't think you'd be back yet," said Aaron.

Madison shrugged. "Didn't want Mutt to wait. Two hours seemed long."

Considerate. Aaron fidgeted with his watch, eyes glued on the door separating him from the hallway that Alex was down. Before, considerate wasn't a word he'd have ever associated with James. Quiet, maybe. Clean. Other than the occasional slew of clients, James hadn't been a bad roommate- just not one who seemed to put a particular amount of energy into anything that wasn't his studies or sucking up to Jefferson.

The thought made Aaron twitch, and he inhaled through his nose, trying to recenter himself. It wasn't Madison's fault. James had made it more than clear that he'd had no idea how bad Jefferson was treating Alex, much less that it wasn't consensual. And weren't Lafayette and Laurens a direct example that physical violence didn't necessarily mean abuse? And once Madison had shown up... He'd stayed.

"You're good with him." It needed to be said out loud, though whether Aaron was saying it for Madison's benefit or his own, he wasn't sure. "Surprisingly so."

That earned him a scoff though Madison didn't bother glancing up from his phone to do so. "Got a lot of siblings. He's not so different."

"I guess that explains the backpack this morning." Explained a lot of things, really. But especially the inclusion of a coloring book and toys in a bag meant to go to the doctor's office.

"Sarah especially hates going to the doctor. When she was little? Used to have to hold her the entire time." There was a beat, and then, "Surprised to see you out here. Didn't know y'all could go two hours without touching."

It was pointless to point out that they'd gone more than two hours without touching just the day before. Especially because Madison seemed to have agreed to quietly ignore the tension from the day before. The last thing Aaron wanted to do was bring that back up.

Instead, he shrugged. "Alex hasn't told me much about his past. Didn't want to intrude."

Which was true. If Alex wanted to tell him about his life pre-college, then Alex should do so freely. Not because it came out during a therapy session. Not because Dr. Franklin was poking and prodding at things that Aaron had no business knowing. Thankfully Madison didn't argue with his sentiment and they fell back into silence until Alex finally appeared from the back, still wearing Madison's jacket, fiddling with a bunch of silver rings and pointedly not looking up as he walked.

It wasn't a particularly good sign, especially because Aaron could see the way that Alex was gnawing at his bottom lip, but, at least, there didn't appear to be any tears. Just the same look he'd grown accustomed to in the beginning. There'd been a time when it meant that Alex was going to pick a fight, or start in with the Daddy jokes. But when Aaron stood up and reached out to wrap an arm around him, Alex jerked away.

Madison settled a hand on Aaron's shoulder, shaking his head and motioning for Alex to go ahead of them. Alex did, shoulders tucked in as he went, and James waited until he made it out the door before letting Aaron go. "Don't take it personally."

As if Aaron needed him to point that out. It was fine if Alex didn't want to be touched. Fine if he didn't want Aaron to comfort him. What mattered that Alex was okay, not if Aaron was the one that was there for them. Of course, logically knowing that didn't make it sting any less when he realized that Alex was curled up in the front seat of Madison's car. Alex was probably just feeling agitated over having to be vulnerable. Two hours was an awfully long time to ask Alex to open up for.

Aaron had just finished buckling his seat belt when Madison spoke again. "When's the next appointment, Mutt?"

"Tuesday at 2." Alex sat his phone on the dash, still looking twitchy. "Every week. Can you drop me off at Laf's?"

"He know you're coming?" Madison asked, and then when Alex nodded, shrugged. "So long as he knows. I know the shorter one would still prefer me not around."

It shouldn't have stung watching Alex poke his tongue out in response, but Aaron couldn't help but feel like maybe it was personal. Maybe Alex didn't want him around at the moment, considering how easily he was interacting with Madison.

Or, more likely, it was because James hadn't tried to touch him. But Alex usually wanted to be held and comforted, was it Aaron's fault for assuming?

"You can call him Laurens, you know," Alex said after a moment, "And he'll warm up to you eventually."

Madison made a noncommittal noise. "I could also call French fry his name and yet..."

Alex didn't take the opening. Declined to say anything at all until the pulled up at the Murder house, where he promptly removed himself from the vehicle with little more than a wave at the two of them. Madison waited until he'd disappeared inside the house before ushering Aaron to move up front with half a comment about not being a chauffeur. 

When they pulled up to the house, Madison sighed. "I'd ask if you wanted to watch a romcom, but considering the way Mutt whines about movie night- I take it that's not your thing. Can I make you a cup of tea, at least?"

It was weird to realize that Madison apparently had a checklist he went down for the both of them. "I'm fine, James. Probably going to go take a nap before dinner. Let me know if he calls?"

Madison nodded and Aaron took his leave. A nap was exactly what he needed. 


	20. What have I got to lose?

It wasn't until Alex's shoulders met the back of the door that he considered that maybe, just maybe, it was a bad idea to text Lafayette.That maybe he should have just gone home with Aaron and Mads and let Aaron hold him until it felt better. But Alex didn't want to be held, didn't want to be treated nice. Wanted the buzzing in his veins to go away, not to be reduced to tears. Didn't want Aaron to stroke his hair as he cried and tell him that it was okay.

But the sudden impact coupled with the way that Lafayette's smile didn't quite reach his eyes had Alex reconsidering. "This is what you wanted, oui?"

"Laf-" The excuse was cut off when Lafayette moved again, forcing Alex to his toes.

"How would you like me to hurt you, Little Alex?" Fuck. He'd fucked up again. Lafayette had seemed fine when he texted him, had said 'Of course' in response to Alex's request. "Shall I beat you? Perhaps drag you to the kitchen and give you new wounds to neglect?"

Alex flinched. That wasn't fair. That wasn't what he meant, and Lafayette knew that. Lafayette wasn't done making his point, though. "Maybe bend you over my knee? Let you cry about how mean I am into the couch?"

Wriggling wasn't making Lafayette let him go, and Alex did his best to relax into the hold once he realized it was futile. "You're not mean."

"Am I not?" Lafayette asked, eyebrow raised. "This surprises me. Is that not why you texted me?"

No. Alex had just thought... that maybe he'd be the most willing. Aaron would never consider it, and Madison seemed to think being nice to Alex was going to get him smothered in his sleep. Alex really didn't know how the man would react to being asked to hurt him. "I used to go to John when I felt like this. But you were right. I don't want to hurt him anymore."

Lafayette made a small noise, and Alex gave one last attempt at pushing the man off. "You said you'd take care of me. But if you don't want to? Fine. Let me go and I'll go to a bar or something."

Lee, Monroe, Clay- there had to be someone on campus that would be willing to teach him a lesson. That wouldn't be upset with Alex for angling for a fight. And with classes out, most of the dealers hanging around for the summer probably wouldn't be that hard to find. And it didn't even have to be a dealer, there were probably plenty of men at the bars who would be willing to slam him against the wall for flirting with them.

But John... Lafayette... He could trust them. Not to hurt him too badly, to just take the edge off the buzzing. Except apparently he wasn't allowed to do that. Alex managed to bring his knee up, whining when the action ended with him spun, arm yanked behind his back and cheek pressed against the door. "That is not what taking care of means. I will not let you treat me the way you did mon amour. You will not reduce me to a tool to hurt yourself."

"I'm not-" Alex gritted his teeth. He'd fucked up with John, yes, but that was different. John had every right to be upset because it'd been a pattern of behavior. Lafayette had just gone with him to the museum, yesterday. Alex wasn't reducing him to anything. "Let me go or I'll scream."

"Let you go? So that you can go find someone else to use?" Lafayette didn't sound amused. "Scream if you must. John's not home."

"I'm not allowed to use. I'm not allowed to hurt myself. I'm not allowed to pick a fight with strangers. I'm not allowed to try and be responsible and ask someone I trust to hurt me. Please tell me, _papa_ ," Alex spat the term in french, trying not to feel like it was a betrayal to Aaron, "what I'm supposed to do?"

There was a moment, between  Lafayette murmuring something in french and when he realized he wasn't against the door anymore but rather in the air- that Alex thought Lafayette might actually do it. That he was going to spank Alex like the naughty child that Lafayette apparently thought he was being. And it wasn't that Alex hadn't been, before- it wasn't that he didn't usually enjoy that kind of thing...

But he was still trying to figure out a way to phrase 'that's too intimate' when he realized he wasn't moving anymore. Lafayette stood over the couch with Alex slung over his shoulder as he debated something, before finally sitting down, carefully rearranging Alex as he went until Alex was tucked in his lap, arms around his waist preventing him from getting up.

"Perhaps," The voice above his head had lost its edge, though there was still no mistaking what Lafayette was saying for anything less than an order, "you would like to begin with why you are so determined to be hurt."

There was nothing to say to that. Alex had already spent two hours talking, he didn't want to do it anymore. He just wanted to forget, to feel better, to lose himself in the motions of something. And talking didn't do that. It felt like every time Alex opened his mouth about these things everything came gushing forward, with or without his permission. And Alex didn't want that. Wasn't particularly fond of the idea of being held against his will, either, but every time he went to try and move, Lafayette only clenched him harder.

Alex huffed. "If I wanted to be held, I'd have gone home with my boyfriend."

"Mm," Lafayette made a noncommittal noise. "Shall we call him then? I am sure Little Aaron would be very interested in knowing what you asked of me."

"Aaron," Alex snapped. "Knows exactly how I am. What I am."

"And what is that, ma cherie?"

"A self-destructive brat? An addict? An asshole who apparently has no issue upsetting everyone in my life in my singular quest to feel something other than... this." This. The buzzing in his veins, the clenching in his chest. And fine, if Lafayette didn't want to hurt him- but the man couldn't stop him from insulting himself. "An idiot who never knows when to stop. Willing to whore not only myself- but apparently my best friends as well- out to the cause."

There were fingers around his wrist, stopping him from clawing at his arms, but he wasn't done. "Who put my best friend in danger, a friend who I'd already fucked everything up with- because I was stupid enough not to run away. To walk back into Jefferson's house. Not just once either. Again, and again. So I'm fucking sorry that I hurt your feelings, but maybe I don't know how not to be hurt. Maybe John and I have been leaving bruises on each other for years and I thought, of anyone, you'd understand."

"Are we done?" Lafayette asked after a moment, and Alex shrugged. "Apology accepted."

It would be pointless to point out that wasn't a real apology, so Alex didn't say anything at all, just stared at the place where Lafayette was touching him, grip firm but not painful. "I will not hurt you, my little friend."

"You fight John."

Lafayette nodded. "We fight each other. Do you think you can fight me? Pin me? Make bruises blossom on my skin? Do you think you can take me, little Alex?"

No. Lafayette hummed as he waited for an answer, and then accepted that he wasn't going to get one. "There is the difference between John and I spending ourselves with each other and what you ask of me."

"Fine. I get it." How many times did Lafayette want to repeat himself? "You're not going to do it. Can I go now?"

"No," Lafayette said, "I do not think so. Not yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard my friends. it is so hard.   
> also  
> I will  
> probably not be around this weekend. I will be in a tent, in the woods, surrounded by small childrens.


	21. Tea for Two

Madison was in the kitchen with a cup of tea when Aaron finally came out of his room. He'd tried to take a nap, he really had, but the most he'd accomplished was staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering what it was about Lafayette that made him so much easier to go to. Which was unfair. Alex had known Lafayette longer, and more than that- there were probably some things that were easier to go to a friend about than one's boyfriend. Possible even that he wasn't after Lafayette, but John.

"There's hot water in the kettle if you want a mug." It was an offer, one that he technically turned down already but he took it. Moved around the kitchen sluggishly as he stared at Madison's ever growing tea collection. None of them were in bags, and finally, Madison stood up from the table and pushed him gently to go and sit down. Fine, he wouldn't mess up James' precious peace of mind. At least, that's what he thought the tea thing was about- considering they didn't even have names so much as symbols. It might as well have been greek to Aaron.

It was something new. Or, at the least, it had been kept in James' closet back in the dorm if it was there and while Aaron can remember the man with a thermos on occasion- he wasn't particularly recalling a large number of coffee mugs. Not to mention the fact that the entire set up had taken up its corner of the kitchen counter once Mads had come home from Virginia.

After a few minutes, a burgundy mug was passed to him, and he took it quietly, staring down at the still steaming liquid. Apparently whatever strainer that Madison had used to steep the tea was sitting on the counter because there were no bits and pieces of leaves in the darkness there.

With that done, Madison settled into the seat across from him, looking far too concerned. Which, considering their last conversation at the kitchen table- slightly grated Aaron. He was fine. Perfectly fine.

Slowly he exhaled. "I talked to Alex last night, about what you said."

A small nod was his only acknowledgment.

"He seemed worried at first, to be honest." Ridiculous. Aaron was fine. Fine. Fine. If he wasn't, of course, he'd tell Alex. "But uh, after that he asked if I wanted the list Mulligan printed for him."

"You take it?" Aaron shook his head. "Why not?"

Aaron shrugged, blowing at his tea before taking a sip. It had a strange, almost grassy taste to it, but Aaron took another sip anyway, trying to come up with a reason that hadn't been gut instinct. "While I appreciate the research that Mulligan did for Alex... We're in extremely different places, technically. He wanted a therapist who would be good with addiction and trauma. I haven't dealt with either of those things."

The look that Madison was giving him made him feel about eight inches tall. "So you'd rather have a therapist who bad mouths addicts and doesn't have any experience with survivors of trauma? That sounds super helpful for your situation."

"Could you not?" Be sarcastic with him, act like that was what he meant, assume the worst- Aaron wasn't sure what he didn't want Madison doing exactly.

But Madison held up his hands in peace. "Point being, maybe give the list a second look. Trauma or not- a trauma therapist sounds like what you'd need if you're hoping for advice on lover boy."

Maybe. Aaron took another swallow, wrinkling his nose. "What is this, anyway?"

"Passionflower. It's the one with the Z's and the wiggly lines on the jar." Madison paused for a second, glancing toward the system of jars on their weird shelves. "Top right. Supposed to be good for sleep and anxiety."

Aaron raised an eyebrow. "And you just... memorize what all the teas are? Instead of having the names on them?"

That got a shrug from Madison. "Half of them I don't know. But considering this is the one I drink before going to bed. Yeah, I know it."

"And the interesting choice in identification?" Because really, that was more important than it being Madison's favorite tea.

"Sarah." As if that answered his question. "Gift from my sister. I'd have to call her and ask for the actual names. When I asked how I was supposed to refill the thing, she said it'd been an excuse to come and visit. Not sure you're ready for that."

The idea of Madison's entirely family invading their house was semi-terrifying. Hadn't the man mentioned being one of eight? Or worse, having eight siblings. Or maybe Sarah was old enough to come on her own. Aaron wasn't actually sure of the age range in the Madison household, other than the fact that James' oldest brother was apparently to start college himself. There'd been some muttering last year, something about the teen applying to go to the same college as James. A fact he'd seemed less than thrilled with.

Then again, if Aaron was living a double life as a drug dealer, he probably wouldn't have wanted his family anywhere near his college either. As was, Aaron was an honors student with a spotless record if one ignored the fact that he was dating a man- and he wouldn't want his grandparents coming to visit. Aaron shifted in his seat. He hadn't seen them since the day he left for college. No point, really. He was fulfilling his familial obligation by proving himself worth of his parents legacy.

Honestly, they probably wouldn't mind so much that he was dating a man so much as the fact that it meant he wasn't passing that torch on. But considering his sexuality... Even if he'd dated a woman, it seemed unlikely that it'd produce much in that particular area. Aaron rubbed at his eyes, shaking his head to clear the strange train of thought. It was pointless. They were out of his life, he had his inheritance. Unless Aaron and Alex ended up married it seemed unlikely to ever have a reason to meet.

"Think Mutt will be home for dinner?"

Aaron was startled to realize the other man was standing, head poking in the freezer. "Not sure. Why?"

Okay, maybe he deserved that look. "Man cannot live on tea alone, and if Mutt's not going to be home, I'm making pasta. You want some?"


	22. A House In The Woods

A part of him was aware that he was being an idiot.

But then again, part of Alex was aware that he'd been an idiot from the moment that he texted Lafayette. But there was a difference between recognizing that one was behaving childishly and actually having the emotional capacity to change the behavior- and Alex? Was done.

Behind him, Lafayette sighed. "You need to get up, ma petite. We have to go back."

Alex shook his head, staring at the tree to his right. "Can't. You broke me. Never going to walk again."

There had been a time, many months ago, that he had enjoyed running with Lafayette and John. It'd been a nice way to deal with the vibrations in his veins. However, at that time, Alex hadn't been aware of what a sadist Lafayette was. There'd been a planned start and stop, and apparently, the French man had been holding back in regards to his speed. Not to mention the physical difference between 'running on campus on relatively flat ground' and 'running in the woods.' Alex had already fallen four times, and quite frankly, he wasn't in the mood for a fifth.

Everything hurt and he was too tired to be thankful.

"I'm not a ragdoll, Laf," Alex whined as he was picked up and put on his feet.

"Perhaps," The man tapped his nose as he said it. "You should have considered that before being so easy to pick up. Now, can we walk? Or does my ragdoll need me to carry him."

Lafayette wasn't seriously offering to carry him for miles, was he? There was a difference between picking him up, or carrying him a few feet- and actually toting him back to the house. Alex shoved his hands into the pocket of Madison's hoodie, trying not to feel ridiculous considering the only thing he was wearing of his own was his underwear. Aaron's shirt, Mads' jacket, and then a pair of John's gym shorts that Lafayette had cinched in the back with a hair tie. It'd been better than the idea of trying to run in jeans.

Walking back was almost worse than running out. At least on the way out he'd had to try to keep up and not fall to distract himself, but now with all the nervous energy spent, he just felt weepy and exhausted. Which was ridiculous, because he didn't even have a reason to be upset. Lafayette had clearly already forgiven him, more interested in pushing him forward than holding his 'moment of insensitivity' against Alex. Had already transformed back to his previous cheerful self, and part of Alex wondered if it'd all been an act. If the anger had been meant to prove a point, or if Lafayette really found it that easy to bottle things back up or let them go.

Wondered, vaguely, what it felt like to have that kind of control over one's emotions. John, at least, tended to wear his feelings on his sleeve, just like Alex. Even if Alex had been misreading the signs- the feelings had been there. But other than that? It seemed like everyone else had a better control on what they felt. Mads, Alex knew from experience, could be pushed into breaking his cool, but Aaron rarely fluctuated in terms of mood. And Lafayette...

"Watch where you're going little Alex," Lafayette murmured in his ear, and Alex flushed, trying to right himself from where Laf had reached out to catch him from falling again.

But the hands didn't leave his side, lingering as Laf gave him a considering look. When he did let go, it was to stand in front of Alex, squatting slightly. "Come on. If you won't be carried, let me give you a piggy back ride. Your Aaron would not be pleased if I allowed you to get injured."

Lafayette was his own conundrum, Alex thought as he looped his arms around the man's neck, allowing himself to be picked up. And the more time he spent around the man, the less he felt he knew. "Why do you live in the middle of the woods, anyway? There's a lot of houses closer to campus."

Alex's question earned him a shrug, even as Lafayette shifted to support his weight as he walked. "Hercules picked it. It is private and the woods are nice."

It probably wasn't worth asking why Lafayette felt he needed so much privacy. "Was Herc supposed to live with you before he decided to be an RA?"

"Hercules did live here. Sophomore year." Oh, Alex hadn't realized that. "I was very sad to see him go."

"Is Herc going to come live here again? If he doesn't go back to RAing?" It hadn't been a sure thing, but the last time they'd spoken Herc had seemed less than thrilled with the idea of taking up his position again.

Lafayette shook his head. "John Laurens lives here, you know that."

Actually, Alex hadn't been sure whether or not John was going back to the dorms come the fall. "You still have the spare room."

"That is John's room." Lafayette insisted, and then because apparently he could see the question forming in Alex's brain. "It is nice, sometimes, to have space."

Alex blew at a piece of curly hair that had escaped Lafayette's ponytail, watching the coil spring in the wind. "When'd you meet Herc anyway? I know you know him, but I hadn't realized you two lived together."

"Someone is feeling-" Lafayette stopped suddenly and Alex huffed as he was deposited on the ground. "Nosy."

The house was right there, and considering he'd been put down- it was clear he was meant to go inside, but instead he turned to look at Laf. "Why are you being all mysterious about Herc? You know I could just ask him, right?"

Lafayette shrugged."It is his story to tell. Ask him if you must."

Oh. That didn't sound good, especially considering what Aaron had mentioned about Hercules' brother. Maybe Laf was just trying to protect their friend's privacy. Maybe Alex was being an insensitive asshole again. He pushed the toe of his converse into the dirt, before nodding. He could watch his mouth and not spout off every spare thought that came into his head. He was capable of that. Most of the time.

"Are we going to stand outside all evening, mon ami?" Lafayette was standing by the door and Alex puffed out his cheeks before walking forward, and then through it when Laf held it open.

 


	23. Coffee

"Are you sure I can't convince you to come along?" Aaron leaned against the doorway to Madison's room.

The man in question sat up in bed, and for a fleeting moment, Aaron felt hopeful. "Let's see, eat breakfast in peace here- sans my weirdo roommates. Or come with you to the murder house, where a man who hates me has suspiciously invited me to eat. Keys are in the kitchen."

Well, when it was put that way. Part of Aaron wanted to argue that they should be trying to make a united front for Alex, but as Madison had so helpfully pointed out a few days ago- he wasn't dating him.

"Laurens doesn't hate you." That much Aaron could say for sure.

Madison continued to look at him blankly. "No. Just blames me for Alex's condition, and as such- basically losing his best friend."

Oh. Aaron hadn't been aware that that Madison knew all of that. Apparently his surprise showed because Madison shrugged. "French fry thought it worth explaining. Honestly, I'm still shocked any of y'all talk to me."

Aaron frowned. "You don't blame yourself, do you?"

At this rate, Aaron would be late, but that didn't seem like the kind of comment he should just walk away from. Sure, there might have been some tension between him and Madison in the beginning, especially when Alex had decided that they were going to be insta-friends, but Aaron thought they were over that. He'd invited the man to live with them, they'd picnicked together. Yet Madison's silence spoke volumes. "You know we don't blame you, right?"

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" And then, when Aaron didn't move, "If it hadn't of been me, it would have been Lee or someone else. And he would have never met you and considering how gross and weird the two of y'all are all the time- I'm going to assume meeting you was a good thing. So please go be gross and weird with him. I'm sure he misses you terribly."

That seemed evasive. "If you think we're secretly holding a grudge, that needs to be talked about."

"Every minute you stand in my doorway is another minute that Alex might decide he's gone too long without kisses and climb into French fry's lap."

Not funny. Not funny at all. When Aaron said so, Madison simply repeated his earlier comment about the keys being in the kitchen. Which was fine. If Madison didn't want to talk about it, Madison didn't want to talk about it. The last thing Aaron needed was to be baited into feeling even more anxious about going over to Lafayette's.

Why the duo wanted him to come over for breakfast Aaron hadn't figured out yet. Apprehensive or not, it seemed in bad taste to turn the offer down. Especially since Alex had spent the night. So Aaron did the only thing he could do, grabbed the keys out of the kitchen and headed out.

John opened the door when he knocked then stepped aside so that Aaron could come in. From the kitchen, Lafayette flipped something in the air before settling it back on the stove. "Ah! Aaron, please sit down."

The scene reeked of domesticity, Lafayette dressed for the day with a purple apron over his clothing, Laurens looking as if he'd rolled out of bed less than thirty minutes ago. A plate of cut fruit in the center of the table, an ornate pot of what Aaron would hazard to guess was honey, and a fluffy mess of hair located at the seat closest to the wall.

"Alex," Aaron chided. "It's rude to sleep at the table."

The teasing statement earned him a glare. "Lafayette doesn't believe in coffee. He does, however, believe in waking up at 4 AM."

"All that caffeine isn't good for the body, little Alex." Lafayette moved away from the stove, stopped to place a plate of crepes on the table before rummaging through the fridge. "If you are not kind to it, you will be small forever."

"I am already going to be small forever, asshole," Alex groused before turning his attention back to Aaron, "Come be nice to me since Laf's mean."

Lafayette 'hmphed' while he placed a cup in front of Alex and another in front of the chair meant for Aaron. They were filled with what appeared to be apple juice, further cementing the fact that Alex was being denied coffee. Though maybe that was less an Alex thing and more of a Lafayette quirk. "Doesn't France have some of the worst coffee in the world?"

"I wouldn't know." Lafayette regarded him for a moment before nodding to Aaron's seat. "Now sit. It is time to eat."

Unfortunately for Lafayette, the comment had caught Alex's attention. "There's something France isn't good at? The way he talks about it- you'd think it was heaven and all the restaurants served ambrosia."

"If France was all that great," Laurens interjected while pulling out his chair. "Then he never would have left. They eat snails, Alex, snails."

The idea of eating snails was apparently too much for Alex, who wrinkled his nose promptly. Lafayette rolled his eyes. "That is a delicacy, mon amour. As is my cooking if you ever plan on eating it."

Alex opened his mouth to say something, but Aaron intercepted. "The food is lovely. Thank you for inviting me."

Lafayette smiled at him, an honest, genuine smile that had Aaron bordering on uncomfortable. "It is nothing, mon ami. I am sorry monsieur Madison could not be with us. You will send him our regards?"

"Will do." And then, because he felt like he needed to explain their roommate's absence. "Madison's uh, much like Alex. Not one for company before his caffeine fix."

The house tended toward complete silence in the mornings when everyone woke up. At least until Alex woke up, and even he took at least half an hour to collect himself before being able to launch into conversation at his usual twenty miles a minute. 

"Your Alex almost bit my head off this morning." Lafayette confided, looking serious. 

Which only made Alex huff again. "4 AM. 4 AM he wakes up to run. It's not even 9 AM and I have run three miles, while he teased me about how slow I am. And he wants to complain about me being a bit snappy."

Aaron set his fork down before leaning across the small bit of space between them, pressing their lips together briefly. Even after he pulled back again, Alex sat, lips slightly parted while he stared at Aaron as if he'd grown a second head. 

"Better?" Alex echoed the world, nodding slightly. "Good, now eat your crepes before you hurt Lafayette's feelings."


	24. Kisses aren't sex.

If breakfast at Lafayette's had been strange, the afternoon back at the house was excessively normal. Aaron and Madison had spent part of the time preparing for Madison's upcoming interview while Alex read over his resume. It was more of a precaution than anything, especially considering the summer months meant there was less competition for the position. 

For lunch, they'd done sandwiches, eating in between possible questions and bits of advice that Aaron had picked up along the way. Eventually, there'd been nothing left worth covering and James had excused himself back to his room and Alex had curled against his boyfriend's side on the couch. A moment of rest. 

An hour or two later Madison walked into the living room where Aaron and Alex were watching tv. When Alex looked up, he caught his eye meaningfully, tapping his own hip. A question. Alex did the math in his head before nodding that yes, he probably did need to change the bandage. Especially considering how active he had been earlier in the day and last night.

When he leaned over to kiss Aaron's cheek, his boyfriend raised an eyebrow. "Leaving me so soon?"

"Bandage check." Simple. Matter of fact. Easier and easier to say even if he still refused to let Aaron see it himself. At least they were acknowledging its existence. "I'll be back before you realize it."

"Look for me in the kitchen," Aaron said. "I think I'm going to work on getting dinner started."

Madison led him down the hallway to the bedroom, gathered the first aid kit that they now kept in the corner of his room while Alex partially undressed. A makeshift bit of privacy that Alex was grateful for. 

Alex wiggled on the bed, eyes glued to the wall as he continued to distract himself. "They got along this morning and Aaron actually kissed me. At the breakfast table. I usually have to ask for kisses."

One hand reached up to still his hips. "Mutt, as much as I love the two of you- stop talking. This is weird enough without you talking about your sex life."

"Kisses aren't sex, Mads." Alex flinched when Madison rubbed the swab over his stitches again. "That hurts."

"I'm not the one who irritated their wound again." Not a dash of sympathy, though his hands did gentle.

Considering Madison didn't have to help him, Alex probably should have been more invested in being grateful than in whining. But James didn't falter, just dropped the used cotton swab in the trash before reaching for a new bandage to dress the wound with. They probably would only have to do this one or two more times and Alex knew that Madison would be glad when it was over. Knew how awkward the man felt about the act, if only because the wound was low enough on his hip that he had to keep a towel draped over his lap to make sure nothing that didn't need to be seen was exposed.

When Madison finished putting the bandage on, Alex lifted his hips to pull up his pants. "Not my fault. Lafayette made me run last night and this morning."

Madison sat on the bed, with his back against the headboard. "Made? All behavior to the contrary, you do realize you're an adult, right? He's not your dad."

Telling Madison that he'd called Laf 'daddy' in French probably wouldn't help his case. Though it might be worth it to see his face. "You try telling Laf no. And besides, he was just... trying to help."

It didn't take long for Madison to catch the implication. "I'm going to assume you don't mean 'help you get in shape.'"

That was one training program only a masochist would sign up for. "I just didn't feel well after my session yesterday."

"It gets easier." Alex looked at him for a moment before making his decision and crawling up the bed so that he could lay his head on Madison's chest. For his part, Madison didn't miss a beat, just kept on talking while Alex rearranged his arm around his waist. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now- but first sessions are always really hard. You'll learn coping skills and shit to make it easier."

"I don't want to talk about what happened." In therapy. About therapy. About Lafayette. Alex didn't want to talk about any of it. Most of him wanted to dip his head down and huff into the fabric there like he did with Aaron- but Madison tolerated enough without him being weird.

"Then don't." As if it were that easy. As if half the questions Franklin had asked him hadn't of begun with 'tell me about'. As if it weren't the entire point of dragging him to therapy in the first place. "Stop making that face. I'm not being an asshole. Tell your therapist you don't want to talk about it. He should be able to come up with other things that you can do until you're in a place where you feel ready to talk."

Alex wasn't sure that would actually work. What did one do in therapy if they weren't talking about their problems? "I don't want to waste his time."

"Building trust isn't wasting time." The hand on his side moved to stroke him for a moment, before stopping awkwardly. "Look, would it help if I told you that we used to play games in therapy? Or arts and crafts?"

Games didn't sound that bad, neither did crafts. "You went to therapy?"

"When I was growing up." Alex felt more than he saw Madison's shrug. "Mom went through a rough patch. Dad signed us up- me and my brother. It was just us at the time, well, and Ambrose- but he was only a toddler, too young to go."

"You were kids." It made sense that therapy involving children would involve those things, it didn't necessarily mean that Alex could get away with asking for the same thing. "Franklin probably already has a plan for how this whole thing is supposed to go."

"Therapy, much like a relationship, works better if you communicate. If he can't adapt to your needs, then maybe he isn't the therapist for you. There are tons of others out there with all sorts of different styles."

It was a nice thing for Madison to say, but that would mean more first sessions. How was Alex supposed to figure out which ones would work for him without exhausting himself. No, he'd give Franklin's method a chance and then maybe, maybe if it wasn't working, he'd find a way to talk to the man about trying something else. 

Before Alex could say as such, Aaron knocked on the wall before sticking his head in the door. "Dinners ready if you want to set the table. And Alex? Your phone was buzzing. Might want to check that before joining us."


	25. Anyone but Lafayette

Aaron stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist before wiping at the mirror to clear the steam. His distorted reflection stared back at him, and Aaron ran a hand over his head briefly. It'd been a while since he'd last shaved, and while he usually did it himself Aaron stopped short of pulling the razor out yet.

Instead, he took the time to pull on his jeans and tank top so that he could walk into the kitchen. His boyfriend looked up, a fork full of eggs still in his mouth. Madison sat across from him at the table, eating his own. Aaron waited for Alex to finished swallowing before speaking, "What time did you say Mulligan wanted us to come over today?"

The former RA had texted Alex the night before, announcing that he was finally back in town. Lafayette was apparently throwing him a small impromptu get together at his new house and they were all invited. Emphasis on the all, despite the fact that the text had only gone to Alex. Whether or not Madison planned on attending was still to be seen. When Alex asked him last night the man had shrugged and announced he'd think about it, but Aaron still remembered his reaction to being invited to breakfast just two days before. Maybe it not being at the murder house would be the difference.

"After two." Alex pulled out his phone to double check before shrugging slightly. "He said it wasn't a super formal thing, so we could show up at five for all he cared."

Plenty of time then. "Would you like to help me shave?"

Immediately Alex perked up. "Right now?"

Aaron had barely nodded before Alex pushed himself back from the table so that he could drop his plate in the sink. From his seat, Madison raised an eyebrow, but Alex didn't notice- already half way down the hall. Aaron promised to wash the dishes later, and Madison rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath that he had it. It wasn't worth arguing with him over, so Aaron went to follow after Alex.

Between the bathroom and the bedroom Alex bounced on his toes, obviously waiting on Aaron to tell him which room to go in. Aaron tilted his head toward the bathroom, following him into the small space.

"The razor is under the sink," Alex bent down to get it and Aaron grabbed a towel from the rack, wrapping it around his shoulders. "Do you want me to sit on the toilet or on the edge of the tub or?"

Alex licked his bottom lip, glancing between the two spots before nodding toward the toilet. He had to step away so that Aaron could get to the space, and while they were switching their positions, Aaron rested his hand on Alex's hip briefly. The act earned him a nervous smile before Alex turned away so that he could plug up the razor.

"Alright, now the end that is on it now? Is a one. If I wanted to leave my hair a little bit longer, I have a few other ends in the bag under the sink. But a one works for today." Aaron explained, watching while Alex examined the black piece of plastic and metal in his hand.

The razor caused a slight click when Alex placed it on the counter. "What if I cut you?"

Aaron shrugged. "Then I'll have a little nick. But be careful and go slow and you won't have to worry about that- okay?"

That seemed to assuage Alex's worries and Aaron relaxed as he picked the razor back up. "Do I need to put shaving cream down?"

"Only if you were going all the way to the skin," Aaron explained. "But you aren't doing that. Think of it like a really, really short haircut. Here," Aaron reached out to Alex's hand, the one with the razor in it. "Start right here, turn it on. I'll lean forward. If you need me to move? You can move me. Press my shoulder or tap my chin. That's all it takes."

Alex hesitated for another moment, but eventually the sound of buzzing filled the small bathroom. One hand rested along the top left side of his head, almost as if Alex thought he needed to steady the skin there. It was too precious for Aaron to say anything, and part of him wished he could see it. Watch Alex while he shaved his head. Knew from experience that either Alex's tongue would be sticking out of his mouth, or his bottom lip would be caught in his teeth as he tried to concentrate.

When Alex tilted his head to the side, Aaron went easily, allowing the man to manipulate him so that he could get the other side. Aaron stared down at the tiled floor while Alex did the back and then at the wall when Alex came around to the other side. All in all, once Alex had started, Aaron was surprised at how few times the man stopped. His initial hesitation apparently giving way to his desire to focus and do a good job. 

Finally, the buzzing died down and Alex stepped away, finally allowing Aaron to look up. "Thank you so much."

"You can't thank me yet," Alex protested, "you haven't seen it. I could have done a horrible job."

It seemed pointless to remind Alex that unless he missed spots, it would be pretty hard to screw up a razor job. Especially since an initial rub down felt pretty even. Besides, if somehow Alex had managed to cut an area shorter than the rest- Aaron would just go bald. It wouldn't be the first time, and he had no issue with that kind of look. 

To appease Alex he stood up and walked to the mirror, making sure to lean in close and examine his head from every angle he could. When he was through, Aaron took the time to put up the razor before sitting on the counter.

"My good boy did such a good job." He cooed, trying to ignore the flush of pleasure at just how happy Alex seemed at having earned the praise. "Now come here and let me kiss you."

For once, Alex didn't hesitate or argue, just did as he was told, stepping into the space between Aaron's knees. His good boy. His precious boyfriend who had been trying so hard lately. With everything. Aaron reached out to pull Alex closer, fingers sliding through soft hair. Chapped lips opened readily for him, and Aaron hummed into the kiss. Maybe they should spend more time kissing. Aaron had been anxious about leading Alex on, anxious about not being enough-- but, Alex knew what he was. How he identified. Probably had figured out his stance on sex in general. 

And he hadn't left yet. "Mine," Aaron said, one hand slipping to Alex's cheek, caressing the soft skin there. "Mine to hold and kiss. Mine."

Part of him still felt ridiculous saying that phrase, but it made Alex all doe-eyed and putty under his hands. "Mine to take care of."

Alex licked his lips again, the gesture more self-conscious than sexual. "Yours.  Can I have more kisses?"

The bathroom counter meant he was a fraction taller than usual, and he enjoyed using this, tipping Alex's chin up for a series of short kisses. Eventually, a knock on the wall caused him to pull back, and he looked to where they hadn't closed the door.

James stood off to the side, eyes glued to the ceiling. "If y'all are done- I'd like to take a shower before I change my mind about this afternoon."

Before Aaron could apologize, Alex grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the bathroom, stopping only to wave at Madison on his way to the bedroom. In a move oddly more reminiscent of their first days of knowing one another than their more recent coexistence- Alex pushed him on the bed. Aaron went, moving slightly so that he could lay his head on the pillows. There was no joke, this time, about not jumping him or finding Aaron's reaction funny- just Alex crawling up the bed to curl around him.

Compared to just minutes ago he seemed oddly still and Aaron sighed, reaching out to rub at Alex's back. "What's on your mind?"

The silence stretched between them for so long that Aaron almost repeated himself, but eventually Alex spoke up. "Would you be mad at me if I wanted to kiss someone else?"

Oh. As much as Alex had liked the mine thing at the time, was it bothering him now? Sometimes things could be so complicated with him. And as for the question itself- "Are you and John getting along better? I know we made the agreement before things," not knowing if Madison could hear them, Aaron paused to search for the right wording, "got serious between us. But it stands if he makes you happy and his partner is okay with it."

Alex shook his head and Aaron's heart sank suddenly at the realization that Alex might not be talking about John. "Please tell me you don't want to fuck Lafayette. I understand that he's got the whole French thing going for him and he's a pretty man with a body most people would kill for- but I just... There's nothing wrong with having wants. I just don't know that I could actually handle you and him screwing."

That earned him a huff. "Kissing and sex aren't the same thing," and then, before Aaron's heart could sink any further, "But I'm not talking about him anyway."

Aaron hadn't prayed in years, but that didn't stop him from saying a quiet thank you. But crossing out those two didn't leave many people that it could be. "Mulligan is straight. Is it a girl? Are you wanting to experiment with women?"

"I've been bi for years, Aaron," Alex's exasperated tone implied that he'd explained this before, though Aaron didn't remember that particular detail coming up. "If I wanted to kiss a woman it wouldn't be experimenting. And I'll have you know that Hercules told me to get in his bed. Even said I should tell you about it."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "See, if you hadn't of included that last bit, I might have believed that Mulligan was bi-curious. You gave yourself away. I'd bet a hundred bucks that was him making an innocent statement and you making a perverted joke of it."

"Why," Alex looked up at him, fluttering his eyelashes as he pressed a hand to his check, "I would never. I cannot believe you would accuse me of such a devilish thing. But you're right- Herc's straight as an arrow, unfortunately."

"So it's not him, John or the french terror and it's not a woman." Aaron wracked his brain for who else Alex might have meant. "Did you just mean hypothetically and have allowed me go through this whole guessing exercise for your amusement?"

"No." Alex huffed again, blowing hot air into the fabric of his shirt. "Is Lafayette really the only person that you'd mind?"

"Alex, why don't you just ask me about whoever it is in particular?" Alex still looked apprehensive, so Aaron tried to reassure him further. "I promise no matter what, I'm not going to be upset."

And he wouldn't. Even if it Alex wanted to kiss Lafayette- Aaron would learn to deal with it. He'd been curious when Alex had chosen to stay the night on Tuesday if maybe it was a sign of things mending between him and John. Had wondered what that would mean in the end, considering so much of their friendship had apparently involved physical intimacy. 

Alex dragged his bottom lip through his teeth, and Aaron reached up to stroke his cheek again. "It's okay, I promise. Just tell me."

"What if it was Mads?"

No wonder Alex hadn't wanted to say it out loud. Aaron glanced in the direction of the bathroom. If Aaron had to guess, he'd say that the water was still running, but even he couldn't be sure. "Does he return the desire?"

Alex made a face, shrugging with the shoulder not pressed into the bed. "He's never been kissed."

"That's not what I asked, Alex."

"How do you think that conversation went down?" Alex asked. " 'Hi I know I have a boyfriend and you think we're both weird especially when we kiss- would you like to be weird with me too?'"

If there was anyone that Madison could be convinced to be weird with, it was probably Alex. "You and I both know you aren't above asking that exact question."

"He thinks you're going to smother him in his sleep."

Aaron sighed, leaning down to place a kiss on Alex's brow. "Do you want me to talk to him then?"

That idea seemed to horrify Alex more than talking about it at all had. "Nope, no thank you." A few seconds passed. "Does that mean you'd be okay with it?"

Aaron nodded. At least in theory he was. Anything more than that- they'd have to figure out later. 


	26. Living Arrangements

Two o'clock saw them all in Madison's car. Part of Alex expected the ride to be awkward, for Aaron to say something or be mad or awkwardly hint. But Aaron did none of those things, just climbed into the back seat and wrapped a casual arm around Alex's waist when he did the same. Alex reached up to gleefully rub at the head he'd shaved earlier, enjoying the way it felt beneath his fingers. The physical and visual reminder of just how much Aaron trusted him.

"Are y'all capable of not being weird for one car ride?" Alex flushed but grinned up at where Madison was making eye contact with him through the mirror.

A green light pulled his attention back to the road and Alex returned to his rubbing. "I hate to break it to you, but there isn't going to be a genie popping out."

It took Alex a moment to understand Aaron's joke and he stuck his tongue out once he did. "It feels nice."

"I'm glad you think so." Aaron turned to kiss his cheek, before giving him a meaningful look. "That being said, we've talked about making Madison uncomfortable. All things considered."

All things considered. Alex licked his bottom lip before glancing toward the front of the car, where Madison's attention remained on the road. Except despite talking about it with Aaron earlier, Alex still didn't know how to proceed. Mostly he'd just wanted to know that it was okay. That Aaron wouldn't get angry about him wanting to kiss someone else. And then Aaron had gone and pretty much given him permission to kiss whoever he wanted.

With the exception of Lafayette. Though Aaron's admission of Laf's attractiveness was enough to make up for the fact that Aaron singled him out. It didn't, however, give him any hint or clue to how to possibly approach Madison. Aaron was right, though, not making him uncomfortable with over shows of PDA might be a good starting point.

The thought ended up put away for another day when Madison parked the vehicle. "Alright, so long as he gave you the right address, this is it."

Alex made it to the door first, knocking with enthusiasm, ready to pounce on Hercules the moment the man opened the door. But the curly hair that came through the door didn't belong to Hercules.

"Peggy," Aaron greeted her as he placed a hand on Alex's shoulder. "I didn't realize you girls were back from vacation already."

Peggy smiled at them both, ushering them into the house. "Came in this morning, actually. A bit of a surprise to Herc- but he'll get over it."

Hercules must have heard the door because he came into the room, rolling his eyes. "She acts like I was hurt. I just told her it'd have to be both of our welcome home parties. I'd ask if you wanted a tour but I should probably leave that up to the girls."

"Herc!" Alex exclaimed reaching out to hug the man, and then, in a curious tone, "The girls?"

The front door opened up to the living room of the rental. To his right there was a couch, occupied by two people that Alex vaguely recognized as upperclassmen. To the left- a table filled with snacks.  When Hercules let him go, Alex stepped to the side to swipe a cookie near the edge and shoved it in his mouth hastily before rejoining the group. 

"Yeah, I'm living with these two-" He stopped, glancing around before shrugging, "I'm living with Peggy and her roommate. Peggy decided to jump ship RA wise a few weeks before I made my decision- and when I told her I was looking for a place to live senior year she mentioned that Angelica bailed on her and they had a room."

Peggy laughed. "She didn't bail, she's just getting married."

"So they finally decided to officially tie the knot?" Aaron asked and Alex watched as the two of them stepped aside to talk- leaving Hercules and Madison with him in the doorway.

Madison had his hands in his pockets awkwardly, looking mostly out of place. Which Alex couldn't fault him for, considering his first real interaction with Hercules had been after having gotten into the fight- back when everything happened. Alex swallowed, not liking where his train of thought was headed. He refused to ruin Hercules's coming home party by being moody. "So who is Peggy's other roommate? and what's it like living with two girls?"

"Considering Peggy only got here this morning, and me yesterday- don't really know yet." Hercules shrugged. "But I can't imagine it'll be too much of an issue. Peggy and I bonded over duties last year- already told you she had me handle a few things over at her dorm, and she helped me out with a few things on our floor. Figure it's probably better than rooming with a bunch of dude bro's who party all the time."

The complete ease that Hercules seemed to take the idea of living with two women was one of the reasons Alex loved him so much. "Who's the mystery girl, though? Is she pretty?"

"Mutt, you're dating someone." Madison reminded him, giving him an utterly unimpressed look.

Which really, really didn't bode well for the possibility of them kissing. Alex gave a little shrug. If it happened- it happened. "Aaron is not going to be upset with me thinking girls are pretty. He said I could kiss other people."

Hercules had a vague expression on his face, one that Alex knew from experience meant that he really, really didn't need to know whatever it was that Alex was blabbering about. Just as Alex was about to tease him about the possibility of the two of them making out, an arm wrapped around Hercules' waist and Alex looked up at the woman it was attached to.

"Well," Maria said, eyebrow raised, "If it isn't the human disaster."

"Well," Alex countered, grinning, "If it isn't Maria. Still working at the clinic?"

Maria shook her head. "There was an incident with the asshole. Decided it was easier to stay away."

The asshole being Maria's ex-boyfriend, a notorious loudmouth who Alex had every reason to suspect had been abusing her. They hadn't been friends in the dorm, but they'd had a few conversations and had he been less of a mess himself at the time, he'd have tried to help more. 

"Is he still giving you problems?" Maria shook her head again. "Good, if so, Herc will protect you. He's all big and manly."

Hercules could protect her more than Alex could have ever helped. "As sweet as that notion is, I heard this one say something earlier about a tour? Would you boys like me to show you around?"

To his right, Alex could see Madison's nod and so he agreed as well. At least it would give them something to do while Aaron caught up with the latest on his old friend.


	27. Revisionist History

Once upon a time, in a class during his freshman year, Aaron's professor lectured on the importance of de-escalation. Pride, he'd said, would be the fall of the universe. Pride caused people to show up to the fight instead of seeing how to end it. For two class periods, it was all they talked about. Aaron's partner had been Madison, much to the amusement of half the class. Montgomery had teased that they were the two least likely to ever need it, already disappearing into the background. But still, they'd gone through the exercises. How to talk a person down from a fight, how to watch body language, what to say and how to get out of the way.

The problem with the lesson had been that it focused on the outward. Large arguments and screaming matches. The scene before him was neither.

It had started innocently enough, apparently Mulligan's other roommate was Maria, and they'd been standing in the kitchen together. Trying to avoid the crowd as an assortment of Hercules and Peggy's friends came and went throughout the rest of the house. Maria, it turned out, had spent spring semester volunteering at the clinic, and recently left there to volunteer at the homeless shelter instead. Behind the scenes, of course.

From anyone else, he might have assumed their issue was with the population. Looking for bragging rights of the good they'd done without actually having to interact with the homeless. With the less fortunate.

But there was a reason they were basically hiding in the kitchen together, and it had nothing to do with people as individuals.

At some point, Alex and Mulligan made their way into the room as well. And that had been fine, Alex wrapped around him and Maria half curled around Hercules. Soon after Lafayette had joined them, bouncing to sit up on the counter. At the time, Aaron had been tempted to speak up. Even with just the five of them in there, the room was probably becoming crowded for Maria.

Maria held her own though and it wasn't his job to say anything. When the natural conversation died away, she turned her focus to Alex and he gladly filled the silence. Aaron raised an eyebrow at the way he phrased how they met. The edited series of events.

"You know how I was." Alex had waved his free arm to make the point. "He wouldn't take no for an answer on helping me get my feet on the ground."

"He's like that," Maria agreed, grinning in his direction. "Aaron called me an angel once, but we both know who the real one is here."

The compliment made him blush, though Alex's over-exaggerated kiss on his cheek helped make the situation feel almost normal. Maria laughed, apologizing for making him feel self-conscious. Made an attempt at changing the conversation away from him.

That was when the car crash began. Not that Aaron realized what was happening at first. No, it'd been innocent enough, Maria glancing between Alex and Lafayette. "What about you two? How did you meet?"

Alex hadn't mentioned being on drugs earlier, hadn't said that Aaron was helping him get sober. Apparently his history with Lafayette didn't get such careful editing. "You know how I used to write papers for other people? He was one of the first."

The conversation didn't end there, Alex rambling about something dealing with food, Maria's eyes glued to him as she listened. The paper thing hadn't been new information to Aaron, but apparently it had been to Mulligan, who had turned to look at the Frenchman over Maria's head. "You did what now?"

By his side, Alex's words stumbled and then started again, obviously unsure if he wanted to listen in on that conversation or continue telling Maria about the croissants.

Lafayette shrugged. "You said he would not accept charity, mon ami, problem solved."

They'd learned in class how to spot a fight that was brewing. But Hercules' body language, while tense, was obstructed by the fact that he still had a hand around Maria's waist. Lafayette seemed more unsure than angry, shifting backward as he met Mulligan's glare. as if he didn't understand why he was being looked at like that.

No, Aaron couldn't see the signs of a fight about to go down, but he could feel it. Apparently Maria could as well, and she slipped out from Herc's grasp to give him and Alex brief hugs. "I think I'm going to lay down."

"Alex." Aaron turned to look at him, had every intention of making their excuses as well. To ask if he wanted to find Madison or Eliza or Angelica, or any number of reasons to get out of the room where two adult men were about to have a very intense conversation- and that was only if it didn't devolve to blows.

Aaron hoped it wouldn't. This was supposed to be Mulligan's welcome home party, after all.

The problem with his plan was that he'd miscalculated entirely. A fight between two people. Mulligan would probably end up being the aggressor if it went to blows, though Aaron didn't have a doubt in his mind that Lafayette had zero qualms with accepting an invitation to a fist fight. Lafayette's body language still read defensive, though. Mulligan's shoulders were squared, chest moving up and down in a slightly exaggerated fashion as he tried to keep himself under control.

Break eye contact and distract. A cold rag to the back of the neck could apparently stop most fist fights at a bar. But the professor never covered what to do when the person most likely to escalate the situation wasn't even being looked at.

"Alex." Aaron tried to keep his voice low, calm. Unfortunately, the name brought two set of eyes to where Alex was staring at the both, fists curled by his sides and visibly shaking with the effort of staying still.

Except Alex didn't lunge forward, and when he opened his mouth, it wasn't to scream. "How long did you know?"

Hercules' brow furrowed. "Know what?"

"That I was using." Alex's voice cracked, and Aaron watched as he visibly swallowed. "How long did you know, Herc?"

"More or less the entire time." Hercules closed his eyes.

Tired. The former RA had to be tired. Did Alex realize the role he'd almost definitely played in the man living here? In a house with two women? Aaron had considered becoming an RA to keep his spot on campus, it was supposed to be an easy job. The worst part, most of them agreed, was Friday night shifts. Nights where instead of partying themselves, they had to make sure no one coming in had alcohol poisoning as the people stumbling in did their best to pretend they hadn't been drinking at all.

Most RA's didn't have Alex on their floor. Most RA's wouldn't have taken such a personal shine to Alex. But Mulligan obviously cared about his boyfriend. Had worried about him. Had done everything in his power to help and if Alex didn't stop to think before opening his mouth again, he was about to spit in the man's face over it.

Alex didn't say anything to the confession, just nodded. He turned to look at Lafayette instead, who was watching him with open curiosity. But he didn't say a word to him either, just stared for a second before shoving his hands in his pockets and turning around to leave the room.

Aaron rubbed at his face. "I'm sorry. I'm going to grab James and then we'll take him home."

"The truth was bound to come out sometime." Whether Hercules was trying to sound wise or convince himself, Aaron wasn't sure. "I'm still glad he has you."


	28. Pet Project

"Are you planning on letting Mulligan think you're mad at him?"

Alex puffed out his cheeks but kept his eyes on the metal rings of the fidget toy Madison had given him. "I tried so hard to hide it and apparently everyone knew and nobody told me."

Which meant it'd been for nothing. He'd been the disappointment all along. Hercules had known. Had known the entire time what he was up to. All of the evasion, all of the late nights, hell, even the fact that he'd agreed to go along with Aaron's plan in the first place- all for nothing. And that thought made him feel even worse, because was he really here sitting in front of his boyfriend upset that the thing that had gotten them together happened? If Hercules had been honest with him...

If he'd been honest with Hercules.

Fuck. He couldn't even be annoyed at Herc for hiding the fact that he'd known considering everything he'd been hiding. "I'm not mad at him. I just... I knew they knew each other? Did you know they lived together last year? They did. Lafayette said Herc picked out the house. I just didn't know..."

"That they'd talked about you?" Aaron tried to supply, but Alex shook his head.

No, people talked about people in their lives, it wasn't just that. "He knew who I was, Aaron. The day we met? He ran into me and spilt my drink and he offered to buy me a new one. And then we started talking and a week later I was helping him write a paper. Was it even an accident?"

Alex couldn't make himself spell it out any further. The idea that Lafayette might have purposely bumped into him that day put his stomach in knots. An orchestrated scheme. What had Hercules even said? Alex hadn't been using at that point. But apparently he'd been worried even before the drugs started. Had said something to Lafayette. Said that Alex wouldn't accept charity.

And Lafayette had made sure he didn't see the help as charity. 

Did Lafayette even like him? Or was Alex just a favor to an old friend. No wonder the man had been so pushy about him going to the doctor. It hadn't been about his health, it'd been about handling it so that Hercules didn't have to. And even before that, when they'd thought Jefferson might get out- Hercules had asked Lafayette to take him in. Alexander Hamilton, pet project. At least with Aaron, Aaron had a track record of helping people out. Of wanting to be there. Maria proved that. His work at the women's center proved that. 

Lafayette, on the other hand, didn't seem the type to collect stray kittens. Watching over him must have felt like such a burden.

The metal rings in his hand clanged when he yanked at them. Aaron's hand settled over his, stilling the movement. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm sure Lafayette had the right intentions. He cares about you."

"Does he?" Fuck, his voice wouldn't stop cracking, but Alex refused to cry. Not over this. "Or does he care about Herc?"

"Alex." Patient. Aaron was being patient again. "Do you really think he'd go through as much as he has just because of Hercules? I don't know how long they've been friends- but I highly doubt part of their friendship includes him coming to dinner at our house, or taking you to the museum."

"I don't know if you've noticed this, but Laf tends to go all in. Doesn't exactly half ass things."

Which made it hard to tell. Especially considering the smile he kept on his face most of the time. Had he started out as a favor and turned into a friend? Or did Lafayette find him annoying and childish, only tolerating Alex so that he could continue to keep tabs on him for Hercules. Had Hercules asked him to keep tabs on him? Or had Lafayette chosen to do that on his own?

Aaron sighed. "Why are you so determined that he doesn't care about you?"

"Why are you so determined to defend him?" Any other day of the week and Aaron would have been happy to throw Lafayette under the bus, for much smaller offenses. "You can barely stand him. You've flat out told me more than once that you don't trust him further than you can throw him- and considering how big he is- you can't even pick him up. So why aren't you gloating that you were right? That he's just as shady as you always said."

Alex shrunk back from the look that Aaron gave him and wrapped his arms around himself. It was fine. He didn't need Lafayette to take care of him. Didn't need anyone to take care of him. Madison had said it himself, Alex was an adult. An adult who didn't need people going behind his back to make sure he did like they wanted.

"I'm trying to be reasonable here." Alex gritted his teeth at the implication that he wasn't. "I don't want you to say something to either of them that you'll regret. They're your friends, Alex- whether you want to see that right now or not."

Hercules was his friend, that much Alex did know. "You think I'm being ridiculous." 

Aaron rubbed at his face, and Alex hated that. Hated how tolerant the man was being. "I think you're hurt and trying to make sense of a situation. Except, instead of talking to either of the people involved, you're basing everything off of- what? a few sentences? And while you're right, I don't like Lafayette... The worst thing that Mulligan can be accused of is not letting you know he was aware of your drug use. He's a good guy, and right now? He knows you're upset with him. He should be relaxing and getting settled into his new home and instead, he's probably worried."

"I didn't ask anyone to be worried about me. Anyone." He hadn't. He hadn't asked any of them to care about him or to pretend to care about him or to try and fix him.

Hadn't asked for any of it. "I'm going to go lay down."

Aaron looked at him for a moment before nodding. "That might be a good idea. Maybe you'll feel better when you wake up."

Somehow, Alex doubted that. He pushed himself up from the table and left Aaron in the kitchen. Stopped in front of their door, staring into it before shaking his head and walking back down the hall and toward Madison's room. "Can I stay with you?"


	29. Introductions

Three nights.

Three nights that Alex slept either on the couch or in Madison's room and considering Aaron had just said he was fine with the idea of the two of them, he had no right to be upset. Besides, Alex wasn't so much ignoring him as staying busy. Friday night after their conversation he'd gone and curled up Madison's room, Saturday the two of them went grocery shopping together and then spent the rest of the day making batches of food. It had been almost domestic, listening to James go over the way it worked. They'd made a couple of batches of soup to put in the freezer, for the fall and winter months when the household risked all of them getting sick and not being up for cooking. Sunday the pair did laundry and Aaron couldn't quite figure out if the original plan involved the two of them doing it- or if Alex was just quietly copying whatever Madison did.

Either way, Aaron didn't like it. He managed to sleep in all three mornings but didn't feel any more rested. The house stayed largely quiet. Alex spoke when spoken to, but even with James he didn't start many conversations. Madison had even texted him on Sunday, trying to figure out what was going on, but Aaron didn't really have an answer. Did his best to keep it short and sweet. Lafayette had said something that implied that he knew who Alex was before they actually met. Alex was upset because he felt like it meant that Lafayette might not actually be his friend.

But it felt like more than that and Aaron couldn't put his finger on what else was going through Alex's head. Just knew he didn't want to help escalate the situation with the other two. Sure, he and Lafayette weren't friends- but Alex adored him most of the time. And Lafayette had gone out of his way to help Alex. Checking in, the occasional hangout, that Aaron could see if Lafayette was just trying to keep tabs for Hercules. But Lafayette had made sure Alex went to the doctor, seemed determined to make sure that Alex and John fixed their friendship. Had somewhat listened when Alex asked him to be nice to Aaron.

Somewhat.

Lafayette's opinion on Aaron and Aaron's opinion on Lafayette aside- the senior really did seem to care about Alex. Even if he had a weird way of showing it.

Aaron sighed, glanced toward the living room where James and Alex were sitting. Sitting. Not cuddling. It made him feel uneasy to see Alex so depressed. And he knew if went over and tried to talk about that Alex would try. Try to talk to him. But it wouldn't be a real conversation and Aaron couldn't even blame it on Alex being a brat. He had an appointment in less than an hour, no need to start anything before then.

Originally he'd planned on asking Alex if he wanted to come with him, if for no other reason than to show Alex that he was trying. But all things considered, it was best to leave him in Madison's tender care. "James, you mind if I take the car for a few hours? I've got some errands that need to be run."

Madison raised an eyebrow but waved his hand toward the hallway. "Keys are on the dresser. But if you aren't back by dinner, I'm taking your card to order pizza."

"As if there isn't food in the kitchen." And then, because he did need to use James' car and there was probably a point beyond the threat beyond being obnoxious, "Here, I'll leave two twenties. I should be back by then, though."

They exchanged a look, and Aaron frowned when Alex continued to not react to the fact he was leaving. Fine. Absolutely fine. "I'll see you two later."

Aaron made good on his comment, stopping to pull two bills out of his wallet and tuck them on the bookshelf before grabbing Madison's keys from the bedroom. At least the weather was warm outside. Aaron didn't know that he could handle it being rainy on top of everything else.

He exhaled slowly to collect himself. No point in getting upset. No point in letting it bother him. He had Alex to be concerned about and he couldn't be helpful on that front if he was too busy being offended.

No point in getting himself riled up. He repeated that mantra as he drove, unable to think of anything else to focus on. Alex had therapy tomorrow, but at this rate, Madison would take him. Aaron would offer to go, of course, but he doubted that his presence was wanted. Other than that, Angelica was back in town. He needed to text her at some point and see if they could meet up. He'd intended to at the party before Maria caught his eye.

And that was fine. Even with as badly as that entire situation had ended up being? Aaron was genuinely glad to have had the chance to talk to her. Glad to know she was living off campus with Hercules and Peggy. They were good people and Mulligan could handle a situation if something came to that.

Aaron hoped it wouldn't. For their sake.

The building he'd just pulled up to leaned toward non-descript. Simple brick, a large rectangular structure with four different buildings inside of it. Aaron checked the address on his phone again, before nodding and getting out of the car. The office he needed to go in had a blue door and he opened it, relieved at the sight before him. No waterfall rock fountains or strangely placed kanji here. Still modern, with lots of little picture frames with various bits and pieces of information about the practice throughout it. Not that Aaron needed to read any of it, the office's website was part of what made him book here. No need to even make a phone call, everything had been laid out online and he'd been able to chat with an admin to schedule his appointment. Possibly the same woman behind the counter that he checked in with before taking his seat.

Simple. Easy. Much more informative than Alex's Dr. Franklin's website. Or rather, his practices. Logically Aaron knew that it didn't belong to Franklin, especially considering the decor of the waiting room. His own personal space had been markedly different but that didn't change Aaron's feelings toward any of it.

Aaron's feelings didn't matter. Not on that matter. What mattered was that Alex liked him and as of the moment, he hadn't been given any reason to think otherwise.

"Mr. Burr?"

That was his cue. Aaron stood up, walked toward the door the woman had called him from. "Right this way, Mr. Burr. Mrs. Prevost will see you now."

Mrs. Prevost was sitting behind her desk, a small pair of glasses balanced on her nose as she read over the paperwork he had submitted online. Or at least, he assumed it was his paperwork. Maybe it was notes from a previous client. Aaron closed the door behind him and sat down in one of the available chairs. It seemed more comfortable than parking himself on the couch that took up most of his side of the room. Between them was a small glass table, a handful of books propped on it. Three of the walls were covered in bookshelves, almost all of them filled to the brim. He took in the room as she greeted him.

After the initial 'good afternoon's' were through, she looked at him more fully. "You seem to have left a lot of details about yourself out of our questionnaire. Would you like to go over it in person?"

"They didn't seem relevant." Aaron twisted his watch. "I'm here to talk about my partner, you see. A friend of ours convinced me that talking to a trauma therapist might help me help him with what he's gone through."

Mrs. Prevost gave him a significant look before nodding slightly. "Alright. Though I do think your personal history affects how you interact with your partner and his trauma. It's important to remember that it doesn't make you a bad person for having problems at the same time as someone you love. But let's start there. Your partner? What would you like to tell me about him?"

As much as Aaron had known why he was walking into the room, had known what he wanted to focus on- he hadn't actually thought that far in advance. So he stared at his watch for a moment before deciding that it was best to start from the beginning.

"Well, Alex," Aaron began. "The thing you need to know about him is--"


	30. Perspective

Aaron had barely made it out the door before Madison spoke up. "You could have at least said goodbye."

Maybe. 

Undeterred by Alex's lack of reaction, Madison continued, "He hasn't done anything wrong, Mutt."

Alex had never claimed otherwise. A hand settled on his shoulder and Alex half turned to look at its owner. Flinched at the concern there, before allowing himself to give in to his urge to bury himself in the nearest soft surface. Namely Madison's sweater. If James thought it weird to go from sitting next to one another to having Alex in his lap, he didn't say anything about it. Just brought up an arm to rub at Alex's back.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," It wasn't until Madison started trying to shush him that Alex realized he was crying.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. He hated this. How heavy he felt. The fact that he always felt on the verge of tears. How disconnected everything seemed to be. The worst thing was that Madison was right. He should have said goodbye. Should have been talking to Aaron more. Aaron hadn't done a single thing wrong. He probably thought that Alex was angry with him and it wasn't that- wasn't that at all. Alex just felt so tired and hopeless.

And Madison didn't push. Not usually. Just let him exist quietly in his space. Fixed two mugs of tea. Put food in front of his face without asking if he wanted to eat. Let Alex crawl under the covers with him. Helped Alex with his laundry when Alex sat down on the floor halfway through because gravity had been too much. 

Alex sniffled, trying to keep back any more tears. "I don't want him to leave me."

"He's not going to leave you, Mutt." Two fingers forced his chin up, and Alex finally looked him in the eye. "I've known Aaron a lot longer than you. I know he isn't the most expressive type, but he seems head over heels to me."

"But I'm a mess." An absolute wreck. 

Madison didn't bother contradicting him, just leaned slightly so that he could snatch a few tissues from the box there. Gently he cleaned up Alex's face. "After everything you've been through? You're allowed to have bad days and weeks. But you're a good boyfriend too. You're funny when you want to be and ridiculous the rest of the time. You're sweet and you-"

Alex shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have closed the space between them to kiss the man. Madison telling him what a good boyfriend he was for Aaron was not an invitation. But Mads was being so careful with him, so kind. And he could trust Mads. Knew exactly what Mads' intentions were when they first met. 

The hand that had been touching his face fell away, the body beneath him went still and Alex scrambled to get off of him. To get away from his mistake.From the couch, Madison stared at him, one hand touching his mouth, looking bewildered. "Mutt-"

"Sorry," It came out too high pitched to sound normal. "I'm... I'm going to go lay down. In uh, my bed."

Aaron's bed. Where he should have spent the last few nights. Not curling up with his roommate. Alex didn't bother undressing, climbed in and curled up under the comforter. Trying to draw warmth from its weight. Alex hated being cold. At least with the drugs coursing through his system his heart rate had never slowed down enough to actually feel it. Frustrated he snatched one of the pillows from the bed, pressing it against his face.

What the hell had he been thinking? Of course, Madison didn't want to kiss him. He'd realized that when Mads made the comment about Alex having a boyfriend at Herc's place. Having a boyfriend meant he was off-limits and it didn't matter that Aaron seemed more than fine with the idea.

Had seemed more than fine with the idea. It wasn't as if Alex could claim to have talked to him much after that night. And that was terrible too. Aaron gave him a free pass to make out with whoever he liked and Alex responded by ignoring him for the entire weekend. Spending all of his time with the man he'd said he'd wanted to kiss.

That hadn't been Alex's intention. But he knew how it probably looked. After all, Aaron hadn't invited him to go with him on his errands. Hadn't even mentioned what they were. Just that he'd be back for dinner most likely. 

Madison was wrong. He wasn't a good boyfriend. He was the worst. And because what? Someone he looked up to turned out to be babysitting him for his RA? Because he'd tolerated some of Lafayette's boundary crosses because at least they meant the man cared about him and all of that was being called into question. Because he'd fallen for it. For thinking that the man might actually give a damn about him. 

Alex stared at the dresser where his phone had been since they'd gotten back from the party. He'd just meant to charge it, but its place in Aaron's room had made it easy to ignore. But if Madison was right- so was Aaron. Hercules hadn't done anything wrong and the man probably thought Alex was upset with him. So he rolled over in the bed to reach for it.

Ignored the numerous missed calls and texts in favor of opening up a fresh text box. Chewed on his bottom lip as he tried to figure out what to say exactly. Somehow 'I don't blame you' didn't seem like a good way to start that conversation. 

An hour later Madison knocked on the door, poking his head in. "You still get your pizza with mushrooms, right?"

Alex nodded, not looking up from his phone. James seemed to hover for a minute before sighing and walking back down the hall. It was fine. They'd be fine. Alex just had to pretend it never happened.


	31. We need to talk

Madison was sitting in the living room when Aaron came in, nose buried in a book. "Hey, you where we can talk?"

The book closed, and Aaron raised an eyebrow at just how tense the man seemed to be. Shoulders back, sitting upright. "Of course."

"Great. So I took your advice? And I went to see someone. And she had some suggestions about Alex not talking. A few ideas of what it could be too, but I didn't think that was as important as ways to work around it."

Word poverty, Theo had told him, was a term usually used to talk about the struggle vocabulary of those not afforded quality education earlier in life. But it was also a term growing some traction in the mental health world to talk about individuals who went through periods of decreased verbal communication. A symptom that could be associated with anything from depression to PTSD.

PTSD had been something she mentioned heavily. Given him pamphlets on. 'Don't just look in the DSM and think that's all there is to it' she'd told him. Obviously, she couldn't diagnose Alex without meeting him and working with him- but even if Alex didn't have PTSD, it would be a helpful place to start in terms of figuring out what effects the trauma had on him. Theo had asked him to look into it and compile a list for them to talk about in future sessions.

More importantly, though, she'd tried to help him out with the whole 'my boyfriend isn't talking to anyone right now' thing. Obviously, she didn't know what was going on in Alex's head, but maybe he was overwhelmed. Given him a few strategies for trying to deal with it in the meantime before glancing at her watch and apologizing because they'd already run over their set time. 

It'd been a strangely productive session. He'd been worried when she called him out on not filling out his questionnaire in full, but after he'd explained Alex's situation (in brief), she'd seemed more than willing to help. Aaron had even set up another appointment for the following week.

But Madison didn't seem particularly interested in the knowledge he was trying to share. Instead, he'd slouched back in his spot, looking almost relieved. "Wait- what did you think we needed to talk about?"

"This was good." Madison made a vague wave of his hand as if the information were floating in front of them. "Ask him basic questions. Give him leads. Maybe design a system for him to show if he's having a bad day in the future. Good information."

At least that proved James had been listening. It didn't explain anything else, though. "What happened, James? Did Alex pick a fight with someone while I was gone? Did Lafayette show up?"

Because Aaron wouldn't put it past Lafayette to just show up one day. Especially if John was on his case. Aaron didn't know what information had been shared with who, but Alex and John had seemed to be in a better place lately and it didn't seem likely that John would just let the entire situation slide. Aaron could only hope that John would be on Alex's side, or at least understanding of what was going on. There didn't need to be any more cracks in that friendship. 

Madison shook his head. "No fights and no Lafayette."

"You're still avoiding my first question, James." Which didn't feel right, especially because Alex wasn't in the room. Had something happened? "Look- I think Alex is avoiding talking about shit enough for the both of us." 

That got him a sigh as Madison glanced toward the hall before looking back at him. "I kissed Mutt."

Aaron blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "You kissed Mutt? Or Alex kissed you?"

Because the latter of the two seemed a lot more likely. Madison's slight shrug only confirmed it. "Do you want me to tell him to leave you alone?"

It seemed to be the easier question to ask than 'did you enjoy it?' which would only lead to Madison thinking he was going to smother him again. As is, James had readopted his flighty look, the one that meant he was undoubtedly trying to plan his escape route. 

"I don't want you to be mad at him," Madison said after a long minute. "World's been upside down since whatever the hell happened with French fry. He just... wants comfort I think."

Aaron shrugged. "He also just really likes kissing. And hair pulling. if it happens again you should try that."

That seemed to throw Madison off guard. "If it happens again?"

"James, if you don't want him to kiss you? Tell him. Or Me and I'll tell him. Otherwise?" Aaron glanced around the room, trying to figure out the words that would make Madison understand. "Otherwise, I really don't care. He's free to kiss who he wants. Me and him have talked about that. I pretty much said it was fine so long as it wasn't Lafayette and well- doesn't seem like that's going to happen anytime soon."

"Maybe that's French fry's great plan." Aaron raised an eyebrow, but Madison gave him a weak grin. "Win Alex over by seducing him."

Just when Aaron was about to make a comment about hoping that Alex kicked him in the balls if so- the doorbell rang. Aaron turned slowly, praying that the saying wasn't true. That the devil didn't come when spoken of because he really, really wasn't in the mood. And if Alex was currently off moping after being rejected, Aaron highly doubted he was in a place to talk about anything either. But Madison just moved past him, swiping the money Aaron had left by the tv earlier.

Pizza. Madison had apparently gone through with his threat to order pizza. He passed over the bills before grabbing the boxes, one shoulder holding open the door. Aaron watched the exchanged, realized he was still staring when Madison cocked an eyebrow after allowing the door to shut when he stepped away. 

"You gonna go get Mutt? He's in y'alls room."


	32. Awkward Conversation

There was a hand stroking his hair when Alex startled awake. He hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep until he was blinking up at Aaron's blurry face. "Good morning, princess. Madison's in the kitchen with some pizza, if you think you're up to eating."

Alex's stomach tried to revolt at the idea, but he forced himself to sit up anyway, looking up at Aaron helplessly. He needed to apologize. For the weekend, for Madison, for being terrible, but the words felt heavy in his mouth. When he didn't move right away, Aaron sat down next to him, opening up his arms and Alex went freely. Crawled so that he could straddle him, burying his face in someone's chest for the second time that day. Familiar arms wrapped themselves back around him. 

He allowed himself to take strength from that. "I'm sorry."

Aaron rubbed his back, gentle soothing circles. "For Madison or something else?"

Oh. Aaron knew. Which meant Madison had already said something. That probably wasn't a good sign. "How mad is he?"

Had Madison told Aaron to keep his boyfriend on a leash? Accused Alex of trying to cheat on Aaron? Snapping at Aaron the moment he walked through the door? Or had it been more muted. Soft. Madison and Aaron talking at the kitchen table, Madison passing him a cup of tea and dropping the fact that Alex couldn't keep his hands or his mouth to himself. That it was something Aaron should probably talk to him about. 

Comfort from Aaron or not, the idea still made him feel heavy. He hadn't meant to make James feel uncomfortable- he really hadn't. He'd just wanted to. For a while. And he'd been in Madison's lap and the man had been touching his face with such care, saying nice things about him and Alex had just gone for it. Not thought about the consequences. 

Aaron gave him a small shrug. "I don't think he's mad. He seemed more worried about you. And us. He tried to tell me that he initiated it."

Alex wrinkled his nose. "Why would he do that? He just sat there. I was the one who kissed him."

"Because I didn't want Aaron mad at you," Madison said from the doorway, looking awkward. "Pizza's out and everything. Thought I'd come check on y'all."

The hand that had been rubbing Alex's back moved and for a moment Alex thought they were going to stand up. Go and eat dinner. But Aaron only patted the bed beside him until Madison awkwardly shuffled forward to take the spot. Alex turned slightly in Aaron's lap, so that he could see the other man. 

Once Madison had sat down, Aaron's hand returned to Alex's back. "I think maybe we should all talk."

"We don't need to." It came out without him thinking about it, but he meant it. They didn't need to talk. Drag this out any longer. "I promise I won't do it again."

Madison looked as out of place as Alex felt, but Aaron only sighed. "Now that James understands that I'm not going to be angry at either of you- do you think it might be worth asking if he'd like to kiss?"

Ask. Aaron liked it when he asked. But this was different. Aaron and Alex had been dating when they first kissed. And even then, Alex had been drunk and upset when the whole dating conversation started up. There was no alcohol here to soften the blow if Madison rejected him again. And considering how crappy he already felt? 

Alex looked at Mads, trying to see any sign that it would backfire if he listened to Aaron. But Mads only looked back at him, seemingly waiting to see what Alex would do. Neutral was better than actively pulling back, though. "Can I kiss you later?"

Slowly Madison nodded and Aaron hummed his approval before rudely dislodging Alex from his lap. "See how easy things are when you ask instead of just springing things on people? Now come on before the pizza gets cold."

Madison turned his head to watch Aaron go, before looking back at Alex. "I still don't understand y'all."

Alex shrugged. The part of his brain that usually whirled with metaphors and theories, that would have had him word vomiting out attempted explanations still felt slow. Felt heavy. It was nice knowing that Aaron wasn't mad at him, and knowing that James was okay with kissing him- but it didn't completely remove the stone from his chest. Instead of trying to figure out a way to make it all make sense, to either of them, he extended his hand to help him stand up. 

Squeaked when Madison stood up and tentatively put a hand on the back of his head, pulling him forward. In reverse of their first kiss, Alex stayed still otherwise, let James finish closing the gap. Slow and careful. And not in the same way that Aaron was. Not teasing and in control. Just curious. Unsure. Alex allowed himself to lean into the contact, hands moving to Madison's sides as he swiped his tongue over the man's bottom lip. Smiled when the mouth beneath his parted, but didn't push it further. Wanted to let Madison take things on his own time. 

The kiss didn't last much longer than that, Alex breaking away to push his nose into Mads' neck. "Thanks."

Mads let him stay there for a minute before bumping his hip and guiding him in the direction of the door. "Food. I don't know that I've seen you eat all day."

Arguing was pointless. Part of him felt like he might have had a yogurt cup earlier, back before Aaron left, but Alex couldn't be sure and Madison would say that didn't count as a meal anyway. And while Alex still wasn't feeling as hungry as he probably should, he also didn't want to risk the delicate balance he had at the moment with Madison and Aaron.


	33. Social Call

Without all the people there, Hercules' kitchen was a much calmer place. Aaron allowed himself to relax at the table, mug of tea and most of a sandwich in front of him even as Mulligan propped himself up on the counter beer in one hand and a sandwich in the other. A little after breakfast the man had texted him. Asked him if he would be open to the idea of coming over for lunch.

Even if the man wasn't Alex's RA anymore, it had seemed rude to turn down the offer.

Aaron waited until Mulligan finished the bite he was taking before speaking, "You seem to have gotten some sun in Ireland. It's a good look on you."

"Thanks." Hercules examined his own exposed forearm as if he'd forgotten his skin tone. "You sure Alex isn't going to miss you?"

"Madison's got him at a movie and then he has therapy." Aaron offered, shrugging. "Besides, it's not you Alex's mad at. I don't know that I'll lie if he asks what I got up to today."

Part of him was tempted to say that Alex was on a date, and as such, unlikely to notice that Aaron had left the house at all. But that would bring up far too many questions that Aaron wasn't sure that he could answer. As was, he'd had to take the bus to get to Hercules', earning him a strange look from Peggy when she'd noticed him walking toward the house. Or maybe that had been surprise at seeing him in the neighborhood at all.

Hercules took a swig of his beer, nodding slightly. "He said he wasn't mad last night, but considering he's been ignoring me, John, and Gil for the past few days? It's a bit hard to believe."

"His phone stayed on the dresser all weekend. We uh, had a rough one."

Were still in for a rough week, if something didn't change soon. Alex had perked up a little bit yesterday, had, at the very least, allowed Aaron to hold him. Had slept in Aaron's bed again, with the strange new addition of Madison. That one had taken a bit of coercing, James still looking like he expected Aaron to snap, or Alex to take things farther than he was comfortable with. The latter of which was probably more likely, though hopefully Aaron's comment about asking had gotten through to Alex. But in terms of sleeping arrangements, Alex got his way in the end.

The idea of it being a rough weekend didn't seem to shock Mulligan. "Well, if you can convince him to message John back at least, I'd be grateful. He may have already- Gil hasn't called to moan about how unfair the entire situation is yet today."

On the other hand, the idea of Lafayette being close enough with anyone to complain at them regularly still weirded Aaron out. Especially to be friends with Mulligan of all people. They definitely weren't a pair that Aaron would have placed together. "Is he really all that upset?"

Even if Aaron was right and Lafayette hadn't been lying about being friends with Alex, he also didn't seem the type to be that bothered. Not that Aaron thought him a robot.  Hercules shrugged. "I mean, he's a drama queen when he wants to be. But yeah, he's also upset. The fact that John's pissed at him doesn't help. Personally, I think that John's reasonable enough that if shit were explained to him he'd understand- but no."

Another swig. Hercules frowned at his empty beer bottle before ducking into the fridge to grab another one. Aaron took the chance to take a sip of the tea the man had made him when he came in, trying to process what was being said. Even if Aaron didn't go back home and tell Alex about everything, it seemed like a good plan to learn what he could from Mulligan's social call. "You two keeping him the dark?"

"Gil is keeping him in the dark." Aaron took a bite of his sandwich, waiting for the man to explain further. "John jumped to a conclusion, Gil's letting him run with it."

What conclusion John had jumped to, Mulligan didn't appear too interest in telling him. Instead, the man made a face. "Can I level with you?"

No. Aaron thought Hercules had invited him to have lunch so that he could lie to him. Being sarcastic probably wouldn't earn him any strong points, though. "Of course."

Hercules glanced toward the ceiling, possibly trying to work out exactly what he wanted to say. "Look, Gil... Is Gil. And he really doesn't understand why Alex is upset with him. He saw a problem, he fixed it. And now? Over half a year later, Alex is upset with him for seemingly no reason."

"Alex feels like he was being spied on." Maybe he shouldn't have offered that bit of information, but honestly, Aaron wanted this fixed and it seemed like the best way to do that was putting his cards on the table. "I think there's a lot of... unresolved feelings there. At least in terms of you having known. He got upset when he realized John knew too."

"We didn't do him any favors by pretending we didn't, did we?" The question sounded so tired. "I offered to help, I opened the door as far as I could but I couldn't force him to talk to me. And confrontation seemed aggressive."

Aaron knew that feeling. Tip toeing around a subject, dropping hints and hoping that the other person was willing to show their hand first. "It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah." The liquid in Hercule's bottle swished as he twisted it, his sandwich back on the counter mostly uneaten. Part of Aaron wanted to speak up and say something, but it wasn't his place. If Hercules didn't want to eat, that was his own choice.

Uncomfortable with the silence, Aaron glanced toward the hall. "Maria in today?"

"Nah, she's out with Peggy's sister. Shopping I think." 

That was good, Maria deserved some time out with a friend. "How is Angelica anyway? I've been meaning to get back in touch with her."

Hercules blinked, confused for but a second. "You'll have to ask Peggy? I think Ang stopped by briefly on Friday but Eliza's the one Maria's out with."


	34. Safety

"Kiss for good luck?"

Madison shot him an unreadable look, and Alex prepared himself to apologize. James was a private person, he probably didn't want to kiss Alex in public. But the other man didn't roll his eyes or complain, just leaned in and brushed their lips together briefly. "You're ridiculous, you know that right?"

"Uh huh." Ridiculous or not, Alex needed all the luck he could get if he was going to make it through this therapy session. "You'll be back at three to pick me up, right?"

Of course, he would. Mads had already promised as such three times. Even offered to sit in the waiting room for the entire hour if it would make Alex more comfortable. But he was already doing so much by just agreeing to take him. He didn't deserve to waste his time for Alex. To be forced to sit around and stare at a wall just because Alex didn't know how to be alone with himself, much less someone he didn't know well. Madison gave his hand one last squeeze before Alex disappeared into the building.

Last time he'd had Aaron. The waiting room was empty and the receptionist smiled at him as he walked to the desk. Accepted his payment and let him know that the Doctor would be with him in a minute. Which was fine, he could wait that long. He could absolutely wait that long, all by himself. He was in a doctor's office for christ's sake. That fact didn't stop him from exhaling with relief when Franklin appeared in the doorway.

Ben's office was more chaotic than last time, his desk overtaken by a large amount of loose paper that Alex tried his best not to stare at. Instead, he directed his attention to what appeared to be one of those wooden boxes that wheels of cheese came in where it took up most of the little table. Unable to resist, he reached out to poke the container as he sat down, before looking up when Ben finally took his own seat.

"So, Alex, is there anything that you'd like to talk about this week?"

Maybe the way he'd felt like after therapy last week. What he'd asked Lafayette to do to him. Maybe everything that had gone in the last few days, the numerous texts he'd deleted from his phone without reading. Lafayette, Hercules, whether or not that would affect his friendship with John. Whether or not his kissing Madison would affect his friendship with John. How badly he wanted to press his face into the nearest chest and exhale slowly and how he didn't understand why that actually made him feel better for a split second. But Alex didn't say any of that, he just shrugged awkwardly.

If Franklin considered that odd, he said nothing of it. "Can I ask you a question?"

Alex nodded and Franklin continued, "What does safety mean to you?"

That was a weird question. Alex shrugged again, but Franklin didn't speak up immediately that time. Just waited, head tilted to the side as if he expected an actual answer. Which he probably did. "Not in danger?"

"That would be part of the literal definition," Franklin conceded. "But, what does it mean to you? I think you mentioned last time that you don't leave the house without your boyfriend often? And another friend? What makes them safer than the other people you know?"

Lafayette. Lafayette was the other friend. Alex pushed the cheese box with his index finger. "Aaron's shown that he won't leave me. Even when I'm being a shit. And I've been a shit a lot. And uh, the other friend. He's big? And he's not scary, not usually. But he's always just-" Alex took a deep breath, trying to figure out what he wanted to say, "takes charge? And I don't have to think about it."

"You like not having to think about things you do?"

An innocent question, but it made Alex snort anyway, smiling bitterly. "Addict. Don't exactly have a track record of making great decisions myself."

Franklin nodded as if he understood. As if he could. As if he knew what it was like to destroy his own life while trying to save it. Because that's what Alex had been trying to do at the time hadn't he? Been trying to keep his head above water, keep in school, keep in control. And obviously, he couldn't be trusted with that. Alex dug his fingers into his arms, frowning when Franklin raised an eyebrow. "Would you like something to do with your hands?"

No. But the question probably meant he wasn't allowed to continue to sit there and scratch himself so he shrugged for what felt like the nine hundredth time. Ben turned around and dug in one of his desk drawers, before coming back with a small container of playdough and what appeared to be a stress ball. He placed both of them in the cheese box before gesturing for Alex to pick one. Alex stared at them before finally reaching down and snatching the playdough up and opening it up.

Rolled it around in his hands as Franklin continued talking. "Okay, so you don't like making choices- or at least, you'd prefer it if others did it for you. And that's part of being safe for you?"

It sounded weird when phrased like that. "I guess."

"What else makes you feel safe?" When Alex blinked at him blankly, Ben rephrased. "Are there things you do to help you calm down or that help you feel better?"

The playdough was smooth in his hands and he pinched at it, trying to figure out what he wanted to make. "I'm not allowed to say drugs, am I?"

"I don't think it would be a wise idea, no."

Alex pinched off a piece, rolled it into a little ball. "That probably knocks out trying to pick a fight too. Not that anyone will actually fight with me anymore. At least not my friends."

That one got a reaction, more so than the drug comment. "You sound frustrated. Do you want your friends to fight you? To be upset with you?"

"Wrong kind of fight." He sat the little ball down on the table and pinched off another piece, this one he rolled into a snake.

"Violence doesn't solve problems, Alexander." Alex scoffed at the sound of his given name. 

Besides, violence seemed to work for plenty of people. No one said anything about Lafayette and John still fighting each other. Alex rolled another small ball, before digging his fingernail into it, trying to make a face. When Alex didn't respond to his comment, Ben spoke again. "Anything else? Or have you been surviving off of drugs and fist fights alone?"

An attempt at humor that might have been better received if Alex didn't feel like he was being judged. "I like sour things. And really spicy things."

"Sensory things are good," Franklin said, even as he turned around in his chair again, reaching for a notepad. 

After a moment two pieces of paper sat in the cheese box, each one bearing what he'd just said. "What else? Is there anything else you do when you don't feel bad? The sensory direction was a good place to go. Is there music you listen to? Maybe you take a shower?"

The snowman he'd been trying to build flattened in his hand and Franklin tilted his head again, tipping his chin in the direction of his hands. "What did I say that upset you?"

Alex stuffed the playdough back in the container and dropped it back in the cheese box. "I'm not upset."

"Try again." Ben and Aaron would get along, for how patient he was being.

"I don't like showering, that's all." And then, lest he end up questioned on that fact, "Sometimes I run. And I like wearing Aaron's clothes."

Thankfully, Ben allowed the showering thing to slide, though he did write some more things down and dropped them in the box. "Do you have someone you talk to regularly who would be okay with telling you what to do?"

Heat flared in Alex's cheeks and Ben blinked, and then seemed to realize how he'd taken it. Laughter filled the room briefly as Ben held up his hands defensively. "Not like that, young man. But if you have trouble making good decisions for yourself? Especially when you don't feel well? Sometimes it can help to have someone encourage you to make better choices. See, this is what I had in mind-"

 


	35. Multi Purpose Coping Skill

[From: French Fuck  
3:00 PM

what is little alex's fav film?]

[From: French Fuck  
3:10 PM

amour said it involved gays?]

Aaron shrugged, shot back a 'sounds right' before pocketing his phone. If Lafayette needed something more specific than that, he was out of luck. Or he'd have to try Madison, considering he seemed to be the one who watched the most movies with Alex. Aaron tried not to feel like he was going behind Alex's back by simply confirming what John had probably already told the man. As was, he'd come home to find a package on the front step. Lafayette had most likely intended to hand deliver it, only to find out no one was home.

Whatever it was, Aaron wished him luck. From afar. Because he'd already decided that if Alex said anything else to him about the subject he'd just agree that what Lafayette had done was shitty. No need to further antagonize Alex by standing up for someone he didn't even like. Not when Alex was still so fragile.

The sound of a car pulling up caught his attention and Aaron allowed himself to smile slightly as he watched Madison and Alex through the window. Strangely enough, Alex was carrying a package of his own, a giant wooden box that he cradled to his chest even as Madison opened the door to let him in the house. Once the door was shut, he collapsed into the free armchair, before reaching to grab the book he'd left on the table earlier. 

"How was your date?" Aaron asked, catching James' eye.

Who promptly froze as if the thought hadn't occurred to him. Even Alex blinked twice before grinning slightly. "The movie was great. He even kissed me before therapy."

Madison seemed to still be turning over the idea that he'd been on a date that morning, so Aaron focused on his own boyfriend. "And therapy?"

Alex had been upset last week when he'd left therapy. It seemed a pertinent question to ask, even if Alex appeared much more at ease this week. In response, Alex thrust the box at him, which Aaron accepted with a raised eyebrow. "We need to go to the store and get some things. Mads offered to take me but I wanted to come home first."

"Am I supposed to open this?" At Alex's nod, he did.

Playdough and a stress ball, half a dozen pieces of paper. Aaron placed the two objects on the table first, to keep them from rolling around, before attempting to read the papers within. If he'd been confused before, he was even more confused by the phrases inside. 'Sour Candy', 'Bf's hoodie', and 'bubbles' were the first three, the next one he picked up read 'baby wipes' as if that made the list make any sense. Finally, he turned around the one that only had his name, looking up at Alex helplessly for an explanation.

"It's my coping box," Alex declared, and Aaron couldn't tell if the bravado in his voice was real pride or him trying to compensate for how silly he felt.

And okay, the sour candy and the hoodie he could understand for a box about coping. He knew how much Alex treasured those things, turned to them when he was upset. "Bubbles?"

"Multi-purpose coping skill." When Aaron continued to stare at him, Alex shrugged slightly. "To force me to breathe out slowly, provide a distraction, and get me outside."

Aaron had never considered bubbles to be a therapy component before, but apparently Franklin had talked it over with him. Come up with legitimate reasons for each thing, though it did make Aaron want to ask the justification behind the sour candy was. Just to see if there would be something more drawn out than Alex liking it. Instead, he just held out the card with his name on it again.

Which caused Alex to flush, interestingly enough. "I, uh, obviously I can't keep you in the box? Though I am supposed to try and put the other things in there. And decorate it if I want. But Ben asked if it would help if someone reminded me to do them? Or picked them for me. Told me to do them rather than having to rely on me to make a decision."

"And you want me to do that for you?" Alex nodded. "When?"

He could do this, probably. After all, it was coping skills, most of them- even if something Alex might not want to do at the moment- unlikely to be harmful. Aaron wasn't sure how he felt about talking to Theo about Alex's inclination toward submissiveness, much less his own fears about what Jefferson had done. About whether or not allowing Alex to give up his agency on other things meant he was more likely to not question it when someone else took away his choice.

But Franklin didn't seem to have that concern, and he was a trained professional. Perhaps there was something behind the choice thing, similar to Theo telling him to ask Alex simple yes or no questions when he was feeling less than communicative. And she had mentioned trying to create a system so that Alex could communicate in other ways, maybe they could do that here too.

"After therapy to help me come down. And just uh, any time you think I need it."

Alex looked so awkward, so out of place, even compared to the way he'd bounced in the house. Aaron placed the box to the side, as well as the cards that he'd pulled out before reaching up for Alex. Smiled at him gently when Alex came willing, crawling into his lap.

"And do we need to use a coping skill now?" Aaron asked, rubbing a hand along his back.

Alex shook his head slightly, burying his face in Aaron's neck, mumbling something about cuddling counting. There was a sound off to the side and then Madison came up from behind, gently ruffling Alex's hair. "Consider yourself a multi-purpose coping skill, Aaron."


	36. Of Kittens and Haircuts

"I talked to Hercules today."

Alex groaned, leaning back slightly to make sure Aaron could see the look on his face. Because really? Really? They were cuddling. They were having a nice time and Alex hadn't even pushed for kisses. And sure, Alex had texted Herc last night, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk about it yet. He wanted to enjoy a simple moment with his boyfriend without being reminded of everything that was happening.

One of his boyfriends? Aaron clearly considered Mads to be Alex's boyfriend now, even though they definitely hadn't had that conversation themselves. Mads hadn't exactly complained earlier when Aaron called their morning trip a date either. Had slept in their bed last night. Did that mean they were all boyfriends? If Alex and Mads were dating, did that mean Aaron and Mads were dating too? 

"I won't say anything about the other-" Aaron's voice cut into his thoughts about Mads, "But please don't ignore John. You two have gone through way too much to stop talking now."

Alex wrinkled his nose. "John told Herc I was ignoring him?"

Aaron shook his head and Alex blinked, confused at the flow of conversation. If John hadn't told Herc, had John reached out to Aaron? Was it just a non-sequitur? Either way, Alex puffed out his cheeks. "I'm not ignoring him anyway. I texted him after therapy."

That earned him a small kiss, a chaste brush of the lips that made Alex want to try for more. But he wouldn't. Aaron obviously wanted to talk and he'd just reminded him of something Alex was supposed to pass on anyway. "Said thanks, by the way. He went to the animal shelter over the weekend."

Apparently they didn't have nearly enough 'not dogs' there. Not that John had anything against dogs, he just tended to prefer other animals. In high school, he'd always teased Alex about the stray cats around the neighborhood. Most of them had no issue walking up to John, rubbing against his legs, but ran at the sight of Alex. Generally bad with people, John had a way with animals. Much like people, Alex just wanted to stick his face in their stomachs.

The fact that he didn't have more scars than he did was probably an act of God.

"I hope he had a nice time." Alex nodded. John had. Had invited Alex to come with him next time. 

Just the two of them. Apparently Lafayette refused to step foot near the shelter because of the smell. The upperclassman could be so prissy at times. Alex hadn't yet responded to the text that held John's schedule. The one asking when Alex would be free. As if the answer wasn't 'literally anytime that wasn't therapy.' John was the one who had gone and gotten a job. Who had obligations.

Madison would be starting his soon too. John's at least would probably only be for the summer before classes started. From the way James had talked on the way home, he intended to keep his throughout the school year. Aaron hadn't mentioned getting a job, and Herc's previous commentary about his trust fund status made it seem unlikely that he would. But even then, he'd be going back to classes once the summer was over as well.

It didn't matter that it was months away, the idea of being alone disquietened him. What was Alex supposed to do while everyone went about their lives around him?

Aaron brushed a piece of hair from his face, tucking it behind Alex's ear. "What are you thinking about?"

Something he definitely didn't want to talk to Aaron about, not when Aaron was already doing so much for him. "Do you think I should cut my hair?"

That earned him a raised eyebrow. "You just got upset because you're thinking about your hair?"

"No." That much he was willing to be honest about. "However, my hair is getting long. I don't think I've had a haircut all year."

In fact, he knew he hadn't. Not that his hair hadn't been long in high school as well, Alex had grown his out because John had been growing his out. John had been growing his out in a quiet rebellion against his father. But Alex hadn't bothered to even find a hairdresser since they'd come to college. 

"I like your hair," Aaron admitted. "However, you should do what you want with it. If you want to shave it all off? You have my support."

Shaving it all off would be a bit extreme, especially considering that Aaron had just said he liked it. "You don't think it makes me look too much like a girl when it's long like this?"

For a moment Aaron looked confused and then he sighed, resting his forehead against Alex's. "While I don't like certain people calling you a girl, you do know I don't care how you look, right? You could have a braid down your back, wear a dress, and you'll still be my good boy."

"You didn't like it when Mads did my hair," Alex countered because this wasn't about Lafayette. Not exactly. 

But Aaron wouldn't even let him have that. "I had no issue with James doing your hair. I didn't like the cashier staring at you."

Fine. Aaron didn't mind his hair being long. He still should probably get a trim at some point. Which would mean finding someone to do it, considering it was unlikely that Aaron or Madison could cut hair. There was a difference between a razor and scissors after all. Aaron agreed when he said as such, mentioned that they could look up local barbers online later if Alex wanted to. 

"Now," Aaron said, nudging Alex off of him. "Do you want to go get James and see if he'd like to go to dinner?"


	37. Trouble in Paradise

The coffee shop that Angelica had sent him the address to was quaint. A tiny little hole in the wall, close enough to King street that Aaron had no issue taking the bus to get there. He glanced briefly at the dangling wind chimes before heading in, trying to make a mental note of its location. Even if it didn't have croissants, it seemed like the type of place that Alex might like.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. tall, dark, and handsome," Angelica cooed at him, standing up from her seat.

Aaron rolled his eyes, stepping forward. "I think we both know I only fit one of those categories. You have what? A few inches on me?"

"Only in heels, love, only in heels." 

They stood there for a second before Aaron gave in, opening his arms up, trying not to feel weird that it was what? Their second hug in just as many years? But Angelica brightened at the gesture, though, rubbing his back briefly before sitting back down. "Still drink your coffee black?"

"When I drink it." Considering there was already a mug of it on the table waiting for him, he would today. "Thank you."

To be honest, the caffeine was a welcome reprieve. Last night hadn't been a particularly bad night and he'd still felt groggy and out of sorts upon waking up. With it being summer he could afford to sleep in or take the occasional daytime nap with Alex, but he was going to have to figure something out eventually if he didn't want to take to drinking coffee regularly again. 

Maybe a B vitamin of some sort, or Melatonin. 

"So what's new in the life of Ms. Angelica Schuyler?" Aaron asked, eyes closed as he breathed in the scent of his drink.

"Church now," Angelica corrected him. "Applying for non-profits. Working at Nat Geo of all places in the mean time."

Church. Meaning Angelica had already gotten married. It would be rude to ask why the rush, ruder to still ask the question that was pushing itself at the sides of his brain. She hadn't looked pregnant when he came in. Aaron did a mental checklist of her outfit, still wearing heels, a fitted pencil skirt, a nice blazer. Nothing meant to hide her body, though he couldn't help but give her another look-over. 

Unfortunately, Angelica had always had the uncomfortable ability to know what he was thinking. "I will have you know I've never so much as seen a penis before."

It wasn't an appropriate thing to say in the middle of a cafe, nor was it by any means true- but Aaron hid his blush with a long sip of his drink before setting it back down on the table. "So that wasn't you who used to give demonstrations on proper condom use to sorority girls."

Angelica's lip twitched. "You act as if that was done on live subjects. And I can care about sex ed and have saved myself for marriage... Not that I did- unless my father's the one who is asking. In which case, we return to the previous remark."

"Am I allowed to ask why the change in date? The last time we talked it sounded like you were planning to get on your feet career wise before taking that step."

Then again, the last time they'd seriously talked, Angelica had been considering going to law school, not doing non-profit work. But Angelica shrugged at his question. "Honestly, it's more boring adult reasoning than it is anything scandalous. John's gotten a new job of his own and only spouses are included on the insurance policy. Didn't seem any reason not to go through with it considering we've been engaged since undergrad." 

True, and that did sound like the Angelica he knew. "How's Nat Geo working for you then?"

Nat geo hired her to write up descriptions for their online shop, a decently well-paying gig considering she could work about as much as she wanted when she pleased. Of course, the fact that she was multi-lingual had apparently sweetened the pot, what with their multi-cultural workings. Not that there weren't drawbacks, Angelica was halfway through complaining about the time her supervisor bothered to check her emails when Aaron's phone buzzed. Frowning he dug into his pocket, prepared to flick away a message from Lafayette or Madison. Instead Alex's name flashed across the screen, and with a quick apology, he opened it up. Read the message twice before sending back a response. 

"I'm being rude, but Alex has apparently decided that instead of talking to me in person, he should text me awkwardly," Aaron muttered, putting his phone down on the table just in case Alex responded again.

If Angelica was offended by the interruption, she didn't show it. "Trouble in paradise?"

"He wants to know if I'm dating his boyfriend," That probably sounded weird without context. "We're trying the whole open relationship thing and he wants to know if when he dates someone, that means I'm dating them too."

Apparently it sounded weird in context too, if Angelica's raised eyebrow meant anything. "So he brings home a random boy and he wants to know if you're dating him too? Don't get me wrong, Alex is precious, but I thought he was brighter than that."

"In his defense, I don't think he'd be asking if it was someone he met at a club. He's dating our housemate." Which blurred the lines, though Aaron felt it was probably safe to say he wasn't currently dating James- no matter how often they ate dinner together or how much tea James made him. 

Angelica seemed to consider that information for a moment before leaning in conspiratorily. "If we tell him that we're dating- will he think me and him are dating- and make me more delicious baked goods?"

"One, I think your husband wouldn't be too happy with that." Aaron had only met John a handful of times, and while a nice guy overall, not everyone was so nonchalant about the idea of sharing their partner. "And two, I'm pretty sure all you'd have to do is call Alex your friend and you'd have him wrapped around your finger."

"I'm not sure if you're calling your boyfriend easy or me that tempting- but either way I'll take it."


	38. Jamboree

"Who are you even texting?" Alex stumbled when John hip checked him.

Alex frowned. "I was just texting Aaron." And Madison but John didn't need to know that.

"You don't answer me for days," John dragged out the last word, almost as if to show how long it had been, "and then you haven't put that thing down since I picked you up."

That hadn't been intentional. He'd just had a thought and Aaron was out at lunch with Angelica and he'd wanted an answer. And Mads had been helping him keep his cool. Mostly in the form of a distraction, but it'd still helped. John hated cars, tended towards being a backseat driver when in the passenger seat and driving recklessly when he had the wheel. It wasn't Alex's fault he'd been anxious.

Still, he didn't want to upset John either, so he shoved his phone in his pocket, before skipping to catch up with where John had walked ahead of him. "Phone's away, I promise. You could always hold my hand to make sure I can't reach for it again."

John rolled his eyes and Alex almost apologized for being too forward, a ridiculous concept considering what they'd once been. But things were still fragile and he technically had ignored John all weekend. Even if it hadn't been on purpose. Just as Alex was about to shove his hand in his pocket to forget about it, John muttered something about him being ridiculous before lacing their fingers together.

"You're the one who decided to park five miles away from the Humane Society," Alex said. "It's not my fault I'm worried I might get lost."

Five miles was a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much. Alex could barely see the building from where they parked, for how hidden it was behind the hills. Thankfully it was a nice enough day, the sun warming their skin as they walked. Words bubbled in his head, but he couldn't figure out a way to talk without risking stumbling across a subject he didn't want to get into. Didn't want to bring up the past, didn't want to talk about Lafayette, didn't want to risk mentioning Madison and hearing John's opinion of him again.

It left few appropriate topics, but if John noticed the unusual silence, he said nothing of it. Just tugged Alex on by the hand, finally launching into conversation on his own when they got closer. "So there's two big rooms? off to each side and one side is the cats and one side is the dogs and then there's like another room that we're not allowed to go into."

John continued to ramble about the cats, trying to introduce Alex to the cast of characters before they went inside. Lost Alex's attention entirely once they entered the lobby. "Is that a giant bunny?"

"That's Charlie," Came a woman's voice, and Alex looked up to see an older woman coming out from behind a desk. "I'm Martha, what can I help you boys with?"

Before John could interject, Alex turned his attention back to Charlie. "Can I pet him?"

Alex dropped John's hand when Martha nodded. Kneeled by the cage and stuck his hand through the bars. Charlie allowed the contact and Alex reveled in the softness of the fur. Of how precious the giant animal was. Behind him he could hear John and Martha talking, trying not to be amused at how respectful John was being. It wasn't often that John's southern accent came out, but older women, especially older women with accents of their own- were a sure fire way.

Back in high school, before he'd known John was gay, Alex had teased him that he had a thing for older women because of it. Because of the immediate deference, of the fact that they seemed to be the only type of people that didn't get to see just how angry John could be.

A hand on his shoulder caused Alex to look up from his bunny petting and Martha smiled down at him. "Mr. Laurens here said that you might be interested in playing with some of the dogs? Unfortunately it's a bit hot out to take them on a long walk- but that is an option if you would be interested in coming in a little earlier one day."

"People can really just come up here and play with the animals?" Alex asked.

Martha nodded. "It's good for the animals, even if you aren't here to adopt them. People come and walk the dogs, socialize with the cats- helping to make sure that they'll be ready to be near people when a family is ready to adopt them."

Alex was prepared to ask more, but John jerked his head, signaling for Alex to follow him into the other room. "There aren't that many dogs back here right now, though the woman yesterday was telling me how she expects that to change as more college students come in. Too many students not realizing that their lease doesn't cover pets. So the cats just sort of mill about their room? But dogs are kept in cages unless someone is playing with them. We just go through this door and then-"

Pick one and they could take it back into the room. Another attendant was busy feeding the dogs, stopping by each cage as she did. She discouraged Alex from picking out one of the bigger dogs, pointing out that he tended to need two people to keep control of him, and that they really only liked for him to play outside. Safer for everyone involved, really. 

He huffed, mumbling under his breath that he could handle it until John pointed at another cage. "Ey, Look it's a little shit, just like you."

The girl corrected John's pronunciation- Princess was a black and white shih tzu. Alex didn't care what kind of dog she was, she was perfect. Little paws on the cage as she stared at them. "Can we get Princess out?"

"Of course, she seems much more your speed." Alex made a face, even as she grabbed the leash off the hook and unlocked the cage. She'd barely known him for five minutes and here she was insulting him. 

Still, Alex wouldn't complain, especially once she handed him the leash- Princess attached. "Back into the room you came through.  If someone else is going to come in- we'll knock, okay?"

Alex nodded. Princess followed behind him and John into the room and he laughed when she climbed into his lap when he sat on the floor. "Weren't you going to pick a dog out too?"

"Honestly," John shrugged as he joined him on the floor. "I was going to abandon you to go hang out with the cats. But you'd just go back to texting Aaron, wouldn't you?"

Princess snorted and Alex ruffled her hair. "I can be apart from him, you know. Despite what you and Mads think."

The name was out of his mouth before he could stop himself, but John didn't snap. Just leaned over to pet the dog as well, frowning slightly. "What'd Laf say to him anyway?"

Alex blinked, confused. "To Mads? Nothing to my knowledge."

"To Aaron." John explained, "That pissed y'all off enough that neither of you will talk to him. I know Laf can be a dick and he enjoys getting a rise out of Aaron a bit too much- but come on... After everything he's done for you..."

"He told you that he pissed off Aaron?"  

Because that was an easier thing to focus on than everything that Laf had done. Getting the story straight easier than thinking about the bracelet sitting on his dresser back home. The package hadn't had Lafayette's name on it, but he was one of the few people who knew where they lived. Alex had spent an entire hour rubbing the green stones and trying to figure out how he felt about it. The bitter part of him arguing that his friendship couldn't be bought, the other part touched that Lafayette remembered him playing with it in the store. That had been first semester, and even though it wasn't an entire year ago- it felt like ages.

John shook his head. "He won't tell me anything. All I know is I come back from talking to Peggy and your whole crew is gone and Mulligan's reading him the riot act. I mentioned inviting y'all over this weekend and he said you wouldn't come unless he left. I know it sounds ridiculous but he's legitimately been pouting and I'm going to lose my shit if it doesn't stop soon."

Alex didn't respond to that, even as Princess licked at his face. The idea that Lafayette was genuinely upset about everything... Alex didn't know what to make of that. The fact that it was upsetting John was worse.

"Look," John said finally, "I'll play nice with the drug dealer if you can get Aaron to tolerate Laf's shit. Because we both know there's no actually making him stop. He is who he is, and I wouldn't take him any other way."

It took Alex a moment to realize who John meant. "Mads. Madison. James. Jimmy. Jimbo. Jamboree. Anything would be better than just calling him a dealer."

"Get Aaron to forgive Laf and I'll call him whatever you like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have gone to the humane society multiple times in college just to pet the giant bunny. 
> 
> My two dogs may or may not be shelter mutts.
> 
> I love my horse-dog and my whiny bby a lot ok.


	39. Roasted Chestnuts

When Madison came through the front door, Aaron looked up, his book already half-way closed just in case it was Alex. In James' hand was a box, which he gently tossed on the coffee table with a sigh. "How much longer do you think this is going to go on?"

Aaron considered the question for a moment. "Them not talking or the french fuck's strange inability to tell the difference between saying sorry and trying to court someone?"

Because honestly, if Aaron were an outsider looking in, that would be his assumption. The box on the table would make gift number five in a little under two weeks, and while Alex didn't exactly make a show of opening them- he didn't hide their contents either. A jade bracelet still sitting on the dresser, the flowers on the kitchen table, a box of chocolates that Alex had promptly shoved at Madison- and the bag of sour patch kids he'd made a face before opening.

Madison shrugged, sitting down in the armchair so that he could remove his shoes. "Either."

"I have given up on understanding what is going on in Alex's head." Allowing Alex to broach the topic meant they really hadn't talked about it at all. "But one would hope Lafayette is close to getting the hint. At least he's been respectful enough to leave them by the door instead of trying to make Alex talk to him."

Boundaries, especially physical ones, hadn't exactly been Lafayette's strong point in the past. As much as Aaron didn't want to give the man credit, if someone had asked him a month ago what Lafayette's strategy for an uncooperative Alex would be... It wouldn't have resembled the strange dance that had been the last few weeks.

"Was." Aaron raised an eyebrow at the single word, and Madison rubbed the back of his neck before clarifying. "He dropped that off at the store today."

"How in the world did he even figure out where you're working?"

The only thing that Aaron could think of was that Alex had let it slip to John and that John had then relayed the information. But how the subject of 'where Madison is working' came up with either pair evaded him.

"I don't think he knew. Came in to buy a pair of earrings, spent almost an hour pestering me between other customers. Left and came back with the box." Madison stopped for a moment to make a face. "Does French fry even have his ears pierced? Or John?"

As if Aaron had spent a large amount of time looking at the either man's ears. "You could probably bet that if John had them done, Alex would too. Mulligan's got his pierced- so maybe they're for him?"

The sound of a car pulling up caught both of their attention, and Aaron smiled slightly when Alex came bounding in not long after. His hair pulled up in a bun on the top of his head, and shirt strangely damp- arms held wide for a hug, though not approaching.

Which meant he was at least self-aware enough to know Aaron would not be pleased. "I don't even want to know- and go change. You are not getting me or the couch wet."

Alex laughed. "You're no fun. John and I got to help wash the dogs today."

"Change, Alex." Aaron waved a hand toward the hallway, trying to ignore the amused on Madison's face. "And then you can tell us all about it."

It took him a second, but Alex disappeared in the direction of his room and Aaron ignored the 'glad to know y'all are still weird as ever' from Madison. Whether James wanted to admit it or not, his own relationship with Alex would most likely end up 'weird' as well. Especially considering how doting James could be.

"Happy?" Alex asked as he reappeared, wearing a new pair of gym shorts and Aaron's hoodie.

Aaron gave his approval and kissed Alex's forehead when he flopped down on the couch next to him. "With you around? Always."

"Someone's feeling sappy and gross," Alex teased. "Are you going to compare my eyes to roasted chestnuts? Ooo or maybe topaz? Or-"

Maybe kissing Alex to shut him up wasn't the best habit, but Aaron couldn't deny how nice it was when Alex surrendered. Chin tilted upward to meet Aaron's lips, relaxed even as Aaron threaded his fingers through his hair. "Good boy," Aaron murmured, moving to place another kiss on Alex's cheek. "My good boy who I can be as sappy and gross about as I want. Did you have a nice time?"

Accepting that more kisses weren't going to happen, Alex stretched out on the couch, laying so that his head rested on Aaron's thighs. "We helped bathe the dogs today. Martha even let me help with Bert- he's like, as tall as my waist when I'm standing up. Oh! And John thinks there's another cashier position at his job. I thought about applying."

Telling him no probably wouldn't go over well. "How would you get there? Madison needs his car to get to his own job."

Alex shrugged in response. "It's not that far off the bus line, and John could take me if our shifts match."

"Have you talked to Franklin about being alone in public, yet?"

That one earned him a glare. As if Alex didn't consider that Aaron would have hesitations. As if Alex didn't text him half the time he was in the car with John. The man didn't even check the mail by himself.

When Alex didn't answer him, Aaron poked his nose gently. "Just talk to Franklin before you try and apply, okay? I don't want you overwhelmed."

"I'm an adult, you know." And then because Aaron didn't relent. "Can we go back to you being nice to me?"

Alex made a small sound as Madison picked up his feet to join them on the couch. "I thought it was gross when Aaron was nice to you?"

"And I thought we were weird, are you sure you want to be this close?" Aaron teased.

Madison hummed, even as Alex shifted around again, this time curling so that his head was against James' chest. "He's not allowed to leave now. Now you both have to be nice to me."


	40. Breakfast Conversations

Alex squirmed slightly as Madison touched a spot on his chest. "Some of the lighter scars are already pretty unnoticeable if you aren't looking for them."

"It's not the lighter ones I'm worried about." Which really, wasn't a nice thing to say. He'd asked Madison to look back over everything, hadn't he?

Wanting to know how they looked didn't mean it felt right sitting there shirtless. Thankfully James didn't take offense, just offered him back his t-shirt. "Most of them will fade eventually."

Eventually. No one could tell him when that would be though. Alex tugged his shirt back on before standing up to pull his pants back on fully. "I didn't really go on vacation when we were in high school. Foster Fam was nice enough- but when they went places I crashed with John. Sometimes we'd go to the park and I'd fall asleep with my shirt off."

"I am familiar with the concept of tanning."

It took Alex a moment to understand the lip twitch, and he rolled his eyes in response even as Madison wrapped an arm around his waist. "Are we familiar with the idea of sunburn too? Because as much as John loves me, he let that happen on a regular enough occasion." And then, more quietly, "I've never had an issue with my body before and it sucks."

"Your body is a good body." A simple statement and Alex hated how untrue it felt as he allowed Madison to guide him toward the kitchen. "Now let's put food in that body."

Why Aaron and Madison operated under the assumption that Alex didn't eat enough, he wasn't sure. Some days it felt like he couldn't go more than a few hours without one of them pressing something into his hands. Madison had even made him little baggies of snacks for the backpack they toted around, to make sure he could eat on the road. The only thing that made him feel less than spiteful was the fact that Madison at least did similar to Aaron. Made him the gross tea at night, put plain cookies on the table for all of them. Brought Aaron breakfast in bed on the mornings that they didn't sleep with him.

It all felt ridiculously domestic. Like they were middle-aged men who had been living together for years, rather than college students. Then again, half the time Madison and Aaron gave off that vibe period. Stable enough that Alex felt like he could visit them ten years in the future, and little would have changed. They'd come home from whatever office job they ended up with, take off their ties and sit in the living room to read. Alex was distracted from his mental picture of Aaron playing golf on the weekends by his stomach growling.

"My body is an asshole," Alex whined.

A voice from the fridge made him stick out his tongue. "I don't think you and your body are separate. Are you calling yourself an asshole?"

"Morning to you too, Aaron." Alex wiggled out from Madison's hold to lean on the open fridge door. "Whatcha going to make me for breakfast?"

"Eggs." Boring, Alex had been hoping for pancakes, but considering it wasn't his morning to cook, he didn't have a right to complain.

Once the scrambled eggs were on the table, Alex grabbed a fork. "What's the plan for today anyway?"

It'd been an innocent question, but both Madison and Aaron paused, looking suspicious. Finally, James spoke up. "I've got work at noon, Aaron asked me to drop him off at Mulligan's on the way."

Oh. That was fine.

Madison nudged his shoulder. "You could always come with me. No one would say anything about you sitting behind the counter so long as you aren't near the cash register."

It was a nice offer, but Alex really didn't want to bother Madison when he was at work. Though it might be better than just sitting at home alone. Franklin had encouraged him to look into a hobby or something to do with his time. Lately, he'd taken to getting into arguments with people on twitter when left to his own devices, and apparently that wasn't an 'acceptable' use of his time. Especially because half the time he was going off at people who didn't think drug users were entitled to basic common decency.

Aaron didn't approve because it always left him agitated. James hadn't necessarily voiced his disapproval, but Alex wasn't an idiot. He saw the way Madison's fingers tapped on his leg when Alex ranted. It was a subject that hit too close to home for both of them. Franklin called it retraumatizing himself. Re-exposing himself to things that were triggering in the hopes of things turning out differently. Except arguing with people on the internet wasn't going to change his situation, and he wasn't changing people's minds- just trapping himself in a cycle of agitation and anxiety.

At least going to the shelter every few days with John helped some- especially when they got to take the dogs out for a run. Martha had started greeting them by name, taking the time to chat with them when she could. But Franklin still thought he should do something else, something more constructive with his time. Which was why he'd been excited when John mentioned the opening at the grocery store.

Across the table, Aaron coughed, and Alex looked up startled. "I asked if you would be interested in seeing Hercules and Angelica? The rest of the sisters will probably be there too. But no one else."

"What about Maria?"

Aaron considered it for a moment before shrugging. "I'm not sure about her actually. Just, no one else who doesn't live in the house."

Okay. He could handle that. Peggy and Maria were nice enough, and seeing Eliza again was bound to feel awkward but it wasn't enough of a reason to avoid going over. Not that he planned on avoiding Hercules either, just that he needed to make sure there were other people to hide behind. 

When he nodded, Aaron swallowed what was in his mouth. "Just be prepared for Angelica to ask you to bake something. I'm pretty sure if you weren't taken she'd ask you to be her unicorn."

"Unicorn?" Alex blinked, trying to place the context-

Got it about the time that Aaron explained, "To her relationship with her husband. Though I'm not sure he'd be open to it. She seems convinced your baking could convince anyone to take you home."

The fact that whether or not Angelica's husband would be happy with her taking him home had come up in conversation with Aaron made Alex grin sheepishly. "Do you know if she has any preferences? I might be able to make something before we go?"


	41. Brownies

"You're late," Angelica started and then stopped when she noticed Alex. "Why hello there starshine, I didn't know you were coming."

If Alex was bothered by the greeting, he didn't show it. Just offered up the pan in his hands like a prize. "I brought brownies."

Angelica brightened before ushering them both in, hand squeezing his shoulder as Aaron passed. "Everyone's in the kitchen."

Everyone apparently meant everyone. Aaron was surprised to see Maria at the overcrowded table, tucked between Eliza and Hercules. Hercules had one arm thrown over the back of her chair, the other waved a bottle of beer as he noticed them. Peggy rolled her eyes as she ducked to avoid accidentally getting hit in the head, and Aaron followed Angelica's lead, grabbing a chair before staring at the little space left.

"Eh, I'll just stand, " Aaron said as he put the chair back and moved to the stove where the food was.

Alex bumped his arm. "Just make one plate, I can sit in your lap." At Aaron's look he followed up with, "I even promise to behave."

The snort that came from the table almost definitely belonged to Hercules, though when he turned his head to consider the space again, Angelica sent him a wink. Whatever. He'd let them get their teasing in. Especially because Alex didn't seem to mind, bouncing on his heels as he waited for a response. When Aaron nodded, he slipped back toward the table, giving Aaron the chance to make their lunch.

Once he'd gotten everything, and managed to get Alex settled on his lap comfortably, he turned to look at Peggy. "I don't think I've spoken to you since the school year ended. How are you enjoying your summer?"

Peggy smiled at him. "Glad to no longer be responsible for the health and well-being of the young and impressionable."

"You can say that again," Hercules said from across the table. "Peggy and I were thinking about going on a beach trip to celebrate."

Aaron wished them the best of luck with that. Listened politely as Peggy rambled on about the details. Of how excited she was to have an excuse to sunbathe and shop. About a cute sundress that Eliza was going to loan her. On his lap, Alex ate his sandwich, oddly quiet. Whether he was that interested in Peggy's trip or just that focused on eating, Aaron wasn't sure. Either way, he pressed a kiss against Alex's shoulder, humming when Alex wiggled back in response.

Angelica didn't seem to be paying attention to her sister's plans. Aaron followed her gaze to where Maria and Eliza were whispering, foreheads almost touching. Hercules was fiddling with the end of Maria's ponytail idly, but otherwise, he'd angled himself to interject occasionally in Peggy's rambling. Apparently he was going to try and teach Peggy to surf while they were there.

"I didn't know you could surf," Alex said, speaking for the first time since they'd sat down.

Mulligan nodded. "Irelands got quite a few beaches that are good for it. France too."

Eventually, the conversation died down, and the table slowly broke away. Aaron gave a slight squeeze of Alex's waist when the man nodded toward the door that Eliza and Maria had just disappeared through. "Don't bug them if Maria's gone to lay down."

"Yes, Sir." Alex kissed his cheek and left the room.

A door closed in another part of the house and Hercules took a swig of his drink. "That wasn't as awkward as it could have been."

"What wasn't?" Angelica asked, looking up from where she'd gone to grab one of Alex's brownies.

It was a question Hercules clearly hadn't anticipated, probably had forgotten entirely that not everyone in the room was aware of everything that had happened. He seemed to be mentally fumbling for something, so Aaron shrugged. "Alex got a little miffed the last time we were here. He can be...."

"Moody? Prone to temper tantrums?" Peggy supplied, and then at Aaron's confused look, "I was John's RA, you know. I had to deal with more than my fair share of their antics. I will say... Alex seems happier these days."

That probably wasn't meant as a slight to John, but it felt like it. "Alex just needed to get some things under control and John's leveled out some too."

At least, the difference between the image he'd had of Laurens and the man he knew were drastically different. Aaron didn't spend much time around him, just the occasional conversation while he waited for Alex to get ready- but he actually looked like he was sleeping. And despite the disturbing amount of information that Aaron knew about his and Lafayette's sex life- John didn't walk around looking like he'd picked the wrong fight anymore.

"I'm just glad he's not pissed at me," Hercules said, "Temperamental brat or not- he grows on you."

"You just miss having someone to play ball with," Aaron teased. "I'm sure there's a Big Brother program somewhere around here if there's an Alex shaped hole in your life."

"Maria doesn't play ball," Peggy leaned in toward Aaron as if confiding something secret, "But if you were to open the fridge- you'd see juice boxes. I think Herc will do just fine."

Angelica's chin dug into Aaron's scalp as she draped her arms around his neck. "As interesting as it is listening to you all is... My John is getting off work at four. I'm off to get ready for date night."

"Have fun," Peggy sing-songed, even as Aaron reached up to pat her hand. "Don't forget to take some of Alex's brownies home with you, he made them just for you. Entire reason we were late." 

Aaron was just glad that Madison had managed to talk Alex down from something more complex. Despite Angelica's comment when they came in, they'd only been ten minutes late. If Alex had had his way- they wouldn't have arrived until an hour later. It'd been enough that Aaron promised him they could bake something next week. Even if it wasn't for Angelica or someone specific, they could always see if Franklin or Theo wanted some of the extras. The act of baking itself seemed to be good for Alex.

Something he could be proud of. Especially when he got to show it off.  

Cheek kisses and their group of four went to three and Aaron pushed himself up from the table. Helped Hercules and Peggy pack up the leftovers and wipe down the table. Accepted the beer that Hercules passed his way before they headed into the living room. 

Peggy and Hercules took up residency on the couch, and Aaron sank down in the free arm chair. 

Allowed himself to marvel at how comfortable the whole scene was. 


	42. Braids

There was an open door and Alex knocked against the wall tentatively before poking his head in to see if it was where Eliza and Maria have disappeared to.

It was. Eliza sat on the bed with Maria between her knees, fingers working at her hair as Eliza braided it. "Me next?"

The sound of his voice caused both of them to look up, and Maria rolled her eyes with a fond smile. Eliza regarded him for a moment before nodding slightly. "I'm almost done here, you can take Maria's place when I'm finished."

Alex hovered. He'd been joking, but he also wasn't going to turn down a chance to have his hair played with. Eliza finished off Maria's braid with a red ribbon from the pile of hair supplies that were on the bed next to her and Maria crawled to sit cross-legged a little bit away. Alex took her place, kneeling between Eliza's legs and trying his best to not to feel silly.

The brush in his hair felt good, and he bit back a flush when Eliza called him a good boy for sitting so still when it got caught on a tangle. He wasn't entirely successful either if Maria's snicker meant anything. Eliza parted his hair into three sections, talking as she did, "I'm actually surprised you sought us out. I was worried that things would be awkward considering the whole nurse thing."

Understandable. Alex was doing his best to keep that out of his mind. Sure, Eliza had been his nurse once, but it wasn't like she was his regular doctor or anything. "You're my boyfriend's friend's sister. Which means you're practically family."

Especially considering how few friends Aaron seemed to have. Not that Alex's social calendar had been particularly booming since he stopped using and writing people's papers- but he'd at least had John, Laf, and Herc. Aaron had Angelica. Maybe Hercules as well- Alex still wasn't sure if they'd actually been friends before Alex and Aaron started dating- or if their familiarity had born from that. Either way, Aaron had put more than his fair share of effort into tolerating Alex's friends- it was Alex's turn to return the favor. 

Eliza tugged on his hair, and Alex debated the morality of letting himself enjoy it. Last year it would have been nothing to ask her to pull harder, or moan, or to make a joke about buying him dinner  first. But Eliza had been good to him, and he was trying to be better, he really was. Eliza spared him from any further introspection by asking him, "As practically family then, am I allowed to ask how everything is going?"

She probably meant how his chest was healing specifically, but there were some things that were still off limits outside of the exam room. "I'm bored. I'm not used to having this much free time."

The side step was allowed, or at least, Eliza didn't call him out on it. Just made a quiet 'uh huh' noise as she continued to work on his hair. Without being able to see it, he couldn't be sure how far along she was, but considering it was a simple braid versus Madison's french Eliza was probably close to done.

"What did you do before in the summer?" Maria asked.

Worked. Which he wasn't allowed to do this year. No, allowed wasn't the right word. Aaron hadn't told him no and his concern was at least mostly reasonable. It didn't change the fact that Alex didn't know what to do with himself. A final tug of his hair and there was a hand on his back, urging him forward. Instead of getting up, he flopped next to Maria on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

When he still didn't answer, Eliza spoke up, "You could come volunteer at the clinic if you were interested?"

No. Alex never wanted to go back there again. For any reason. Maria saved him from having to answer with a shake of her head. "The human disaster managing the front desk? No one would ever get seen. Sometimes he starts talking and forgets to breathe."

"Bite me." Alex stuck his tongue out at the teasing.

But Eliza seemed to consider the statement. "What if he volunteered where you are now? That's behind the scenes and the only person you'd have to worry about him distracting is you."

Part of Alex wanted to protest that it wasn't Eliza's problem to try and solve. That he'd been complaining, not looking for an answer to his boredom. But it wasn't a bad solution, was it? Volunteering would mean he could control his hours- it wasn't as much pressure as a job. From what he understood Maria worked relatively behind the scenes and Eliza's comment only confirmed that. And even if they weren't close, he did at least know Maria. 

But he also didn't want to intrude on Maria's happy place.

Of course, his not wanting to intrude on Maria's space didn't mean she had similar reservations- considering how close her face was to his suddenly. Less than two inches separated their noses as she leaned over him. "What do you say, human disaster? It'll be fun. And by fun, I mean you should probably make sure you have lots of band-aids because their filing system is ridiculous."

"You really wouldn't mind having me tag along?"

Another eye roll and Maria moved again to sit up. "Did you hear the part about the ridiculous filing system? Having someone to boss around will make my life easier."

"Maria," Eliza's tone held warning, and when Alex propped himself up on his elbows, he realized that she too had joined them on the floor.

Alex shook his head. "She's fine. I don't mind being told what to do. What would I have to do to get a spot?"

Not much. An application, though she mentioned that he'd have to write in on the bottom that he was interested in helping out with the admin stuff. It wasn't technically a real position, and if he didn't, he'd probably find himself in the kitchen or serving food. Apparently Eliza had called for Maria to talk about her specific situation, and it was then that they'd realized they could do something that worked for both of them. 

Alex hoped they could do the same for him. 


	43. Hate

Unfortunately, by Monday the calm feeling Aaron had at Hercules' was completely gone.

It wasn't fair. Every time he felt like they had their feet back under them, it felt like something had to happen. James had spent the last few nights in his bed, which would have been fine if the reason for the switch had been a choice instead of Alex needing a space of his own. The best that Aaron could figure out Alex had come on to Madison, they'd tried to have sex- and something had gone wrong. 

The petty part of Aaron, the one that hadn't slept in nights, wanted to shove that in Alex's face. After all, how many times had Alex second guessed Aaron's reasons for not sleeping with him? Had insisted that he was ready? Except that wasn't fair. Not to Alex and not to Madison. Whether Alex wasn't ready in general or if something had happened by freak accident- it wasn't right to feel righteous about it.

Especially when it had the entire house in such a state. Madison felt guilty. Alex wouldn't let anyone near him, seemed intent on hiding in James' room. And Aaron? Aaron couldn't sleep. It wasn't Madison's fault. But Aaron had spent most of last night sitting in the kitchen hoping Alex would come out to eat. Contemplating making something and putting it in the doorway if nothing else.

To top it all off, Alex had opened Lafayette's most recent gift that morning- and it was almost definitely the already sour mood in the house- but it'd resulted in a slammed door and Alex screaming. Something they might have been able to handle if Alex was interested in accepting any sort of comfort.

He wasn't.

"I'm just really fucking tired of feeling like I have to defend the French Fuck. If anyone has a reason to hate him, it's me." 

Across from him, Theo sat down her pen. "Does the French Fuck have a name?"

"Lafayette," Aaron snapped.

Theo didn't look amused. "That sounds like a last name. What's his first name?"

That one actually took Aaron a moment. "Gilbert, I think. I think I've heard Mulligan call him that."

"Alright," Theo picked up her pen again. "Retry that sentence."

Why it was important, Aaron didn't know. "I'm tired of defending Gilbert."

Tired of a lot of things really. "You said you had a reason to hate him, would you like to share what that is?"

"No." It wasn't the point. Aaron didn't want to talk about Lafayette, he wanted to talk about how he was supposed to help Alex.

But Theo wouldn't let it go. "You understand that the fact that you're avoiding talking about it isn't a good sign, correct?"

Sometimes Aaron really hated the way her logic worked. "Look. It's fucked up, okay? Back when things were still new with Alex? His best friend got the idea that I-" _raped_ , but Aaron couldn't say that. "-hurt Alex. He roughed me up a bit. And when I woke up the French Fuck was there fucking smiling at me. Calling me Little Burr and shit."

There was no way that Theo could have expected what he said, but he had to hand it to her- she didn't miss a beat. "So Gilbert knocked you out? And the acted like he didn't?"

"Gil," Aaron couldn't have made that name drip with more sarcasm if he tried, "didn't do it. I'm fine with Alex's best friend. He's a good kid, who doesn't always think things through. And it wasn't that big of a deal- Alex and Mulligan came soon after I woke up."

"So you were assaulted and then while unconscious they kidnapped you?" Theo held up a hand to stop him from interrupting. "You don't have to call it that but that's what that is, you realize. Whether or not you understand why it happened- it still happened. Why are you angrier with Gil than the initial perp?"

Aaron had already explained that. "He's a good guy. A bit socially awkward and he thought I hurt Alex. He's there for Alex now. I saw him twice last week, no ill feelings. But the French Fuck... I don't understand him. He really does seem to care about Alex- but he's an asshole. And manipulative and it's hard to get a read on him. Plus, the fucker got Alex gay porn. That's not appropriate."

"Gilbert," Theo insisted.

If Theo said his name one more time. "Why does it matter so much to you what I call him?"

"Maybe," Theo said patiently. "Because every time you say 'the french fuck' you spit at me. You have a lot of feelings packed into that name- and while you obviously aren't pleased when you call him Gil either- it does take the edge off. Which helps when I'm trying to understand the problem."

Oh. "I'm sorry." For spitting, for talking about his own problems, for bringing it up at all.

Theo probably wouldn't appreciate him saying that though, so he left it at the apology.

"I agree with you, by the way." Aaron must have looked confused, because Theo went on to explain, "It wasn't appropriate to give porn to Alex. He's clearly in a fragile state right now when it comes to sex. Not to mention it doesn't really make sense considering you said his goal was to apologize."

Again, Aaron felt like he had to explain, and he sagged back into the couch. "That one's my fault. He asked what Alex's favorite movie was. Alex has this thing about gay romcoms? But I just told him yeah it was the one with the gays. And apparently when he asked someone else for their favorite gay videos.... the list they gave wasn't exactly romcoms. "

"You've spoken to him this morning then?" Theo asked, head tilted to the side.

"Yeah." Bright and early, not that Lafayette had any concept of that. "I asked him what the fuck he was thinking. He seemed genuinely confused."

"And you're still angry with him?" As if that wasn't a loaded question.

Aaron stared up at the ceiling. "I'm just tired."

"You say that a lot, you realize?" It wasn't actually a question she expected him to answer. "How long have you been tired, Aaron?"

"There's been a lot going on." Not an answer to the question she actually asked.

Theo crossed her ankles, hands settling one on top of the other on her raised knee. "Less so during the summer, excluding this most recent weekend. But do you honestly think you were more or less tired during the school year- than you are now?"

Again, he didn't understand her point. "Not really, no."

"Have you considered that you might be depressed?" Aaron made a face. "You're tired most of the time and you don't seem to do much to justify the kind of tired you are- and what you do do? You don't seem to enjoy."

That was bullshit. "I'm fine. I hung out with Hercules and the gang- had a nice time then. Had coffee with Ang. And it's not like we're always miserable around the house- it's just been a rough weekend. You should understand that."

"I'm not saying you don't occasionally have a nice day," Theo countered. "But I do think, especially with what you've said today? That depression isn't a stretch."

"I don't see what this has to do with me helping Alex." 

Suddenly, Aaron understood why Alex hated pitying looks so much. It didn't feel so good to be on the receiving end of them. "You're worth focusing on, too. I'm not saying you have to be the most healthy person in the world to help him or to care about him. But I am saying that it'd be better for both of you to heal together, rather than putting all your energy into him."


	44. Jealous

Alex buried his head into the pillow when the door opened. He didn't want to talk. Didn't want to hear Madison apologize again. Didn't want to acknowledge Aaron awkwardly hovering by the door. See either of their faces when he jerked away when they tried to touch him again.

But the body sliding into bed behind him was much too large to be either of them, and he held his breath as an arm curled around his waist. Sunk into the familiar body when the panic didn't rise in his chest. Allowed himself to breathe in deep the smell of sweat and laundry detergent. John never had been a fan of cologne or scented deodorants. Had teased Alex endlessly for liking the way he smelled considering that fact. 

It wasn't Madison, but Alex focused on the rise and fall of the chest behind him. Tried to match it the way Madison would encourage him to. Better to put his energy into that than thinking about whether or not he should feel guilty about letting John hold him. It didn't seem right that he didn't mind John touching him considering he could barely stand being in the same room as Aaron and Madison. Especially Aaron. Not that Madison had done anything wrong...

He hadn't. Alex had been the one who initiated. And it had been fine at first. The making out had been nice, really nice. Not that kisses with Aaron weren't fantastic, they were, but there was something great about grinding with the person one was kissing. About getting to slide his hand in James' pants. But then Madison had taken off his shirt, and Alex had tried to tolerate that- he had. It wasn't until Madison ducked his head to kiss Alex's chest that he freaked out.

Of course, the fact that it was James' first time didn't make Alex feel any better. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he have enjoyed what he'd literally wanted for months? Hadn't he told Aaron that he was ready? That Aaron was being silly for not going further? That Alex understood taking things slowly but slow didn't have to mean glacial. And of course, that had been before he'd known Aaron was asexual. But it didn't change the fact that Alex should have been able to handle it. 

When Alex groaned, John's chin dug into his shoulder. "You want to talk about it?"

No, no Alex did not. "Fuck me."

"Is that a request or you being upset?"

God, Alex wished it were a request. But even though he felt comfortable with John pressed against his back, he wasn't so sure that feeling would last. "I freaked out the last time I tried to have sex."

"Does that mean I get to look forward to seeing Aaron with a black eye?" It was teasing, a joke, but it only reminded Alex of how disconnected he and John were.

How much he hadn't told John. Too afraid to damage their budding friendship. But if they were going to do this, really do this- it couldn't be with lies. "Aaron and I don't have sex. He doesn't like it."

"But you just said-" 

At least he wasn't trying to dissect the fact that Alex was in a relationship without sex. "I did have his permission to sleep with you back then. It's no different now." 

John hummed, and Alex sighed as he allowed himself to be shifted when John rolled onto his back. Fine. At least this way he was leaning on John's chest. On top, he could move if he wanted to. "Okay. So you freaked out and now you're upset about it? But it wasn't Aaron and you weren't cheating. Do I have it right?"

Alex nodded.

"Why exactly are you upset? It's alright if things don't go smoothly all the time." John rubbed a hand along his back. "There will be other chances."

"What if there's not?"

The hand on his back paused for a moment and then John shrugged. "Anyone who won't sleep with you just because you said no once? Isn't worth it. There will be other people."

Except that wasn't what Alex meant. "What if this is forever? What if I'm too fucked up to have sex again?"

"Then you don't have sex?" At Alex's huff, John tried again. "Or find a new way. I've literally never met someone so capable of turning bizarre shit into something sex related. I'm sure you'll figure something out. And if not? You apparently have the right partner for that."

True. Aaron wouldn't mind, Madison Alex wasn't so sure about. The man had managed to abstain this long, but Alex wasn't stupid- he knew most people preferred to have sex in their relationship. Which brought up an entirely different issue. "How mad would you be if I was dating James too?"

Silence. 

"John?"

It took John another minute to respond. "That why you don't want me calling him a drug dealer anymore?"

"He's not one anymore," Alex defended. "He's a good guy if you get to know him."

Which was apparently the wrong thing to say. "A better one than me apparently."

Shit. Alex had known this conversation wouldn't go over well, but he was also already too out of sorts about everything else to deal with this. "I didn't pick him over you. I fucked up when I chose drugs- but that was drugs. Please don't hold that against him and please forgive me."

Finally, after a tense stretch of time, John reached up to tug his hair lightly. "I'll get over it. And I forgave you ages ago. It's just..." John trailed off for a moment. "There was a time I thought we'd be together forever. Guess I'm just jealous."

There'd been a time when Alex had thought they were forever too. When John had been his entire world. And sure, the reason why they'd parted had been bad- but them expanding their universe didn't have to be a bad thing. After all, John had gotten Lafayette from it- and despite how pissed Alex was with him at the moment, John was happy in that relationship. Laf was obviously able to give things to John that Alex never could.

And wasn't that part of what he was learning with Aaron and Madison? To cherish the differences? That it was okay that they could do different things. It didn't mean that one of them was the lesser.

Couldn't that be a lesson with John too? "I haven't even let Aaron get near me since the other night. Don't ever doubt that you're special to me."


	45. Mediator

"Mulligan, there better be a good-" Aaron stopped himself short because Hercules wasn't the one who answered the door.

Nor was it either of his housemates. No, it wasn't Peggy or Maria. Aaron turned around, planning to go back to his place. He didn't have the energy to deal with this shit. Unfortunately, his plan was cut short by a hand jerking him into the house.

And after the weekend he'd had? "If you don't get your fucking hand off of me this instant..."

Thankfully he didn't have to finish the threat, Lafayette pulling back even as Hercules stepped forward to offer Aaron a beer. Because apparently that was the answer. Aaron shook his head, doing his best to not snap again. "I'm leaving. And you-" Aaron turned to look at Lafayette. "Are not going to try and stop me this time."

"Aaron, please?" Hercules sounded about as tired as he felt. "I wouldn't have asked you to come over if I didn't think it was important."

Important to who? It surely wasn't for Aaron's own good, probably not for Alex's. Which meant he didn't care. "Alex has had a shit weekend, and thanks to someone, an even shittier morning. I need to go."

"Alex," Hercules said, stressing the name. "Is fine. John's got him. Literally. Last text I got said that Alex was taking a nap on him."

Why was John at his house? Had Alex texted him? He didn't end up having to ask. Lafayette sat on the back of the couch, looking uncomfortable. "He asked why you called. I told him little Alex was not doing well. He said we should work out our differences."

Had probably suggested Hercules as the mediator. Neutral ground. Except neutral would have involved letting Aaron know what he was walking into. "You and I both know this fight isn't between us. Consider telling him the truth?"

Lafayette glanced away, and that was answer enough. "And yet, we still have our differences."

Theo's voice came unbidden into his head. And really? That conversation was too fresh. The wound ripped open and he hadn't had a chance to deal with it yet. "Shockingly, I'm not too used to being friends with people who tie me up while I'm unconscious."

There was a sound as Hercules popped the cap off the untaken beer. No, Aaron wouldn't want to be sober for this interaction either. Lafayette frowned. "I am not the one who made you that way."

"No. But at least Laurens had a fucking excuse. He honestly thought I hurt Alex." By his sides, Aaron's hands curled into fists and he exhaled slowly, forcing himself to relax. "But you? You weren't angry. You didn't think I did it. And yet? you saw no fucking problem with your behavior."

Madison had teased him last week about his increased cursing. A deadpan joke about putting soap in his tea if Aaron didn't watch his mouth. Aaron had rolled his eyes, but it was true, wasn't it? That he hadn't cursed this much before.

Aaron didn't like the implication that Theo was right. That Aaron was anything less than well. Sure, he might have been a bit anxious as a kid, but he'd learned to handle things. To control what he could and wait out what he couldn't. Endure and adapt when necessary.

"I am sorry." Aaron blinked at the apology. "I did not want my John to get in trouble. I thought all would be well once he knew. Would you have rathered we left you sitting against the wall?"

No.

Hercules made a sound of disbelief. "He would have rathered it not happened at all. John should have never laid a hand on him, Gil. And you sure as fuck shouldn't have tried to cover up for his blunder. If you're going to apologize? Don't make excuses."

"Why not? You try and cover up his mistakes." Maybe it wasn't right to snap at Hercules, but considering everything, it seemed ridiculous that Mulligan would call him out now. "Which, can I just say, makes no fucking sense to me. Knowing each other? Fine. There's classes you two could have met in. But the level of camaraderie? He's literally one of the most ridiculous assholes I've had the displeasure of meeting. I would have thought you were too rational to put up with his shit."

"Of everything, that's really what you want to talk about right now?" Hercules rubbed at his eyes.

Aaron thought about it for a moment before nodding. Yes. He wanted to talk about that. There was nothing that Lafayette could say that would change what had happened, and he'd already apologized. There was nothing left for them to say to each other. Why the otherwise reasonable Mulligan was friends with him, though? At least that would be new information.

"If it makes you feel better, Gil's always been a little shit who sucks at boundaries." From the couch, Lafayette protested, but Hercules continued on. "I lived in France with his family in high school. His parents are- Look, I once told Alex that you had more money than god, but let's be real, that's more fitting of this asshole. They're well off. And he's an only child. Our mothers knew each other, old friends from back when my mother still lived in Ireland. His maman complains that maybe he'd behave better if he had someone close to his age to hang out with- my mother makes a joke about us being only a few months apart. Next thing I know I'm on a plane to France."

Of all the possible explanations for their friendship that Aaron could have come up with, he would have never guessed 'arranged relationship'. "Your parents were cool with sending you to another country, just like that?"

Hercules shrugged. "Mom asked if I'd like to live in another country. Said it'd be like a foreign exchange situation and that I could come back at any time if I didn't like it over there. She thought living with the Lafayette's would be a nice experience. She wasn't wrong, his parents are great."

Lafayette scoffed, picking at his nails. "You only say that because Maman likes you more."

"Damn right she does. Because I'm not a living terror. " Lafayette opened his mouth and Hercules shook his head to cut him off. "You and I both know that if I called her up right now and told her what you did- she wouldn't be the least bit surprised."

As interesting as watching their exchange was, Aaron glanced toward the door again. "Am I allowed to go now?"

"You're not willing to try and work things out with him?" How Hercules could insult Lafayette seven ways to Sunday and still sound so surprised, Aaron wasn't sure.

"You said it yourself. He's always been bad at boundaries." That was one thing that hadn't been shocking. "I accept his apology, but the fact of the matter is? He's still shit at boundaries. He knows Alex is upset with him and he keeps sending him gifts. He sent fucking gay porn this morning and Alex was already in enough of a tailspin without that."

That was apparently news to Hercules, who in a strange repeat of the night that had caused this whole mess, turned to Lafayette to snap. "You did what?"

"I have been trying," Lafayette muttered, arms crossed. "To do the right thing. To show I care. I did not think expensive gifts would help- so I went with things that reminded me of him."

The explanation didn't cut it for Hercules. "And gay porn made that list?"

"It was a mistake. I was only told he likes gay movies. I asked for recommendations since Aaron would not be clearer with me. Alex is a very sexual person, yes? It did not strike me as odd."

Mistake or not, it'd only made things worse. "Alex spent the entire weekend curled up in a ball because he's afraid of touching right now. So no, he's not a very sexual person. And your fucking gift this morning threw what happened in his face."

Not at the moment at least. Not over the past few months. Dirty jokes? A dime a dozen. But Alex seemed just as happy to get his hair played with or a back massage. And the fact that he was so afraid of touch again? Was half the reason Aaron was in such a sour mood. Alex didn't deserve that.

Part of Aaron wanted to continue to argue, but Lafayette's face only fell further. "I do not know how to apologize."

"I'm not going to feel bad for you."

"I am not asking you to," Lafayette said, waving a hand as he spoke. "I only wish to make things right. I did not mean to hurt either of you, but especially not little Alex. I will leave him alone if you think that best."

Did he? Hadn't he argued with Alex in the beginning that he should consider forgiving Lafayette? And it hadn't been for Lafayette's sake either, but because Alex genuinely liked the man before everything happened. 

Hercules didn't appear to have the answer, even when Aaron sent him a pleading look. Fuck. "Just give him his space for now. No more gifts. No more texts. If he wants to forgive you? That's his decision."

Alex's and only Alex's. And at that moment? Space seemed to be what he needed. From everyone.


	46. Letting Go

"Would you like to take a walk with me, Alex?"

The question caught Alex off guard, and he shifted the backpack on his shoulders before nodding. He wasn't exactly sure where they could walk, but Franklin hadn't led him wrong so far. Plus, walking meant he wouldn't have to talk.

Ben smiled at him and headed down the hallway. Alex followed dutifully past the room they normally met in, down another hallway, and out a door. Behind the parking lot there was a set of trees, and Alex frowned as his therapist headed straight toward them. Five or so minutes later they reached Ben's destination.

A pond.

"Did you know," Ben said conversationally, "that there's a form of therapy that involves rock climbing?"

No, Alex hadn't known that. Barely knew anything about the different kinds of therapy despite Hercules' attempt to try and explain them. There had been something about group and individual therapy, something about medication. But much more than that? Alex hadn't really absorbed the things his friend had said.

If Ben was miffed by his lack of response, he didn't show it, just set down his own backpack and dug into it. "There's also art therapy. Not to mention traditional talk or even EMDR. There's animal therapy. Horse riding. Sadly," Ben seemed to find what he was looking for, pulling it out. "There is no official therapy for toy boats."

Alex tentatively took the wooden boat from Ben, watched curiously as the man dug back into his backpack again. By the end of his scavenging, he'd pulled out a second boat, two markers, a pad of sticky notes, candles, and a lighter.

"So," Ben said suddenly. "What's on your mind today?"

A question that he should have expected. One that he didn't have an answer to. Yesterday had been rough but had ended on a nice enough note. Aaron had come home with Chinese and the three of them had eaten in Madison's room. Tentatively John had agreed to stay, had been much more confident when he joked that he promised to keep it innocent for Aaron. Who had rolled his eyes, but allowed it. Curled himself around Alex's back even as Alex rested against John's chest. 

Where James had gone, Alex still wasn't sure. Alex had waited until John left after breakfast to ask Aaron if he knew. Unfortunately, Aaron hadn't had the answer. Just insisted that James was fine, that he'd texted him earlier and he was at work for the day. That he'd see them at dinner.

And really, that was just his most recent concern.

"I had a bad weekend." Alex twisted the boat in his hands, focusing on it instead. "I tried to... I kind of..."

It took him three more tries for Franklin to break in. "Here, let's try something else. If you had to describe how you felt this weekend in one word- what would it be?"

Scared. Lonely. Fucked up. "Broken."

Franklin nodded. "So you felt broken this weekend. What are two things you did that didn't make you feel better?"

That one was a bit harder. "I hid." The sight of Aaron hovering anxiously in the door with food flashed in his mind. "I didn't eat much."

"Were you not hungry?" Alex shook his head. "Did you feel nauseous?"

Yes. But that wasn't all. "Didn't deserve it."

Aaron would tell him he didn't have to earn his right to eat, but Franklin didn't go that route. "Why?"

"Broken." The ground under Alex's shoe gave way, making a small trench. "Didn't want to leave the room."

For a moment, Franklin considered him. "Who made you feel broken? Did someone do something? Say something?"

"Me." Because that was it, wasn't it? It wasn't Aaron or Madison or Lafayette.

It was him. He was the one making himself feel that way.

"Why do you think you're broken, Alex?" Think, not 'why are you'. Careful wording.

Careful wording that Alex didn't believe. "I hurt my partner."

Franklin had to be annoyed, having to drag each new sentiment out of him. But he didn't show it, just stood there patiently. "Did you hit him? Yell at him? Call him names?"

Each time Alex shook his head. Franklin tried again. "Did you and your partner break up?"

No.

"Alex?"

"What if I can't make him happy?"

That wasn't an answer, but Franklin didn't fight him. "Do you mean in a specific way? Or in general?"

Not in general. Alex made a face. "You know."

As if he had given Franklin any indication of what he meant. But it didn't take long for Ben to puzzle it out. "Do you mean in an intimate way?"

It felt weird to talk about his sex life with a man old enough to be his grandfather, but Alex nodded. Thankfully Ben didn't ask what happened specifically, instead focusing on how Madison reacted. Or Aaron, probably. Alex hadn't exactly told Ben that he had another partner. But Madison hadn't reacted poorly, not exactly. He'd made space for Alex. Hadn't even apologized immediately, which would have made Alex feel worse. No, that had come later, when Alex wouldn't come out of his room.

Alex rubbed at his eyes. "I'm horrible."

If someone had said that to him, in this context, Alex would have made a joke about performance in the sack. Franklin thankfully avoided that. "Is it something you can work on?"

Maybe? Alex wasn't sure. It wasn't as if he'd ever really had to 'work on' sex before. It'd always been something fun for the most part. Something he did to forget, to distract himself at worst. Once upon a time, John had told him that he'd lost his virginity far too young. But Alex hadn't seen it that way. He'd just always been a sexual person.

And that was being taken from him.

Franklin glanced at his watch. "How about this? I want you to write something that's been upsetting you on this sticky note."

Okay. Alex could do that. Once he was done Franklin asked him to put it on the boat and light the candle. Ben did the same, jotting something down on a sticky note before putting it under the candle on his boat. Together they knelt next to the pond and pushed them 'out to sea.'

"It's gone now." Franklin said, looking over at Alex. "I'll come back later to fetch the boats from where they landed. But for now? What you wrote down? Is gone. And I want you to focus on doing something nice for yourself- and for your partner this week. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

If nothing else, Alex could try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might say to yourself "There's no way a therapist would do that"
> 
> At which point all I have to say is "Once when I was 19 I saw a therapist twice and she decided that the reason why I was mentally ill is because Spirits were trying to hold me back. This, she said, was a sign that I was destined for Great Things. She felt weaving should be a kind of therapy and when I stopped going to see her, citing the distance- offered to drive to my house for therapy every other week."
> 
> That is, by far, not even the weirdest experience I have had in therapy. (and taking a walk with a therapist is something I've done.)
> 
> Gods I haven't left an authors note in a hot minute??? I still love you guys so much <3 and kudos/comments are always appreciated and you can always hit me up on tumblr.


	47. warrior u

Aaron drummed his fingers against his knee, regretting the fact that he'd forgotten his book. He jerked when a small hand covered his. "Will you stop, you're making me anxious."

"Sorry, Maria." And then, because that sounded a little too much like a five-year-old apologizing to his mother, "I do want to thank you again. You didn't have to-"

"Aaron, love," Maria patted his hand, which really didn't help the way he felt. "Chill out. I was happy to help. Did Alex tell you he might come help out at the shelter?"

No. Aaron shifted, uneasy and unwilling to say such. Especially after the weekend Alex had, did he really think he it was a good idea to go and work at a homeless shelter? Would he be able to handle something with a schedule? And what about the food aspect- if he hadn't eaten himself, it wouldn't be easy to be around it. But Alex hadn't reacted well to Aaron pointing out the car situation last time.

Maria glanced toward the clock. "I sent him the paperwork, he just has to fill it out and email it in. We'll get him a background check and then he'll be good."

"I wasn't aware you needed a background check to volunteer." 15 more minutes until Alex's session would be over.

"You don't normally. But I work with the paperwork and the upkeep kind of stuff," Maria explained. "And he's going to be helping me. It's a safety precaution."

Aaron picked at a thread on his shirt, trying to figure out how to not be suspicious. After all, he didn't want to offend Maria. "Does that mean he'll only be working with you?"

"No," The dash of hope that Aaron had felt fled. "I plan on letting the human disaster travel by bus to get there and then try and figure out why the filing system has to be divided into four types of cabinets all by himself. I thought the shelter could really benefit from some of the screaming the dorm had to put up with first semester."

Okay. So Alex would be working under her. "What happened to being nice to me? Can we go back to just complimenting each other?"

Apparently, actually getting to know Maria meant their relationship had to evolve from that. Not that Aaron minded being teased usually, he just didn't like it when it came to actual concerns and Alex. Maria nudged his shoulder, promised him that she would get Alex home in one piece- no worries. Teasingly asked what time he'd turn into a pumpkin before giving Aaron helpful details. She volunteered three times a week currently, usually for a four-hour shift. They'd already worked out the details, she'd pick Alex up and drop him off. 

"Hercules even offered to make packed lunches for him," Maria said with a grin.

Which was precious. Honestly. Before he could say as such, Maria glanced toward the clock again before turning to him with a serious look. "But no, seriously. I don't know what kind of magic touch you have but between getting me to a place that I could walk out and what you've done for Alex... You're fantastic. I know you have your heart pretty set on that English degree but you could do a lot of good working with hurt people."

"All I did was talk to you. You didn't need help, you needed someone to remind you that you were worth being kind to." Self-conscious, he ran a hand over his head. "And there's a huge difference between going into social work or something like that and dating someone."

Thankfully Maria didn't argue with him on it. He could handle their banter when it was that, banter. Being genuinely complimented was a little bit harder. 

When Alex finally emerged from the back, they stood up together and Aaron affectionately picked a leaf from Alex's hair before following Maria out the door and to her car. On the ride home he let the two of them chat, half listening to Alex explain some bizarre webcomic involving a homicidal unicorn, a danger loving princess, and the power of friendship. Or at least, that's what Alex kept calling the bond between the hero and the 'draco malfoy look-a-like'.

The problem with Alex's media consumption, Aaron had discovered, was that he picked up on obsessions lightening fast and then disposed of them just as quickly. Which made it pointless to try and keep up. Pretty much the only constant was his romcoms, and Aaron was tempted to ask John if there was a back story there. Something that made them stick when nothing else did.

"Well, this is your stop. I'd invite myself in but I have dinner plans," Maria teased, exchanging a quick hug with Alex before they made their goodbyes and headed inside.

Alex cast an anxious look back outside. "I thought Mads would be home."

"Dinner, Alex. It's not even four yet." And then, because Alex still wouldn't stop looking out the door, "It'll be okay."

Dark eyes turned to him instead. "What if he's mad at me? What if that's why he didn't come home last night?"

It probably wasn't the best idea to tell Alex where Madison actually was. Apparently he'd left the house soon after John had arrived. Not that Aaron could blame him there. While John didn't exactly seethe everytime James' name was mentioned anymore, he didn't exactly come off as fond of him either. From there he'd decided that the logical thing to do was go to a bar.

To get food, he'd defended. 

Hadn't started drinking until Lafayette arrived, he'd said. And well, once Lafayette had gotten the text from John that he wouldn't be coming back that night- he'd offered. And what was James supposed to do? Say no?

Of course, Madison hadn't exactly been forthcoming with that either. Had only shot back a text explaining everything when Aaron made the misstep of making sure that James hadn't decided to crash at an 'old friend's' house. Which, perhaps, hadn't been the most sensitive thing to ask. 'Oh yes, I know our mutual boyfriend has managed to make both of us feel like guests in the house lately, but I wanted to check in that you hadn't decided to go back to your old life of drug dealing.'

Not that he'd phrased it that way. But getting back 'I'm at a friends' from someone who spent a majority of their time hanging out with Alex at home, hadn't exactly filled him with confidence. 

"He's not mad at you," Aaron said finally. "He just didn't want to make John uncomfortable. Why don't you show me the comic that you were telling Maria about? That should take your mind off things until he gets home and you can see for yourself."


	48. Icecream Sundae

Aaron might have been right that four was a little early to expect Madison to get off work, but five rolled around and then six without any sign of him. At half past Aaron finally gave in, dragging Alex to the kitchen to make dinner. That way it'd be ready when Madison got home. Except then seven became eight. Alex put up the leftovers and Aaron checked his phone. Apparently they'd missed a text from James earlier, saying that he'd gotten caught up with stock- he'd be later than expected. 

It wasn't until almost nine that Mads finally opened the front door.

Alex hadn't even been able to get out of the kitchen before James was gone, and with a nervous glance in Aaron's direction- Alex followed. Checked Aaron's room first, pushed at the bathroom door before finally nudging open Madison's.

Frowned at the sight of James fully dressed and flat on his back. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," Madison pushed himself up so that he was sitting up. "What's up?"

Tentatively Alex walked in, sat down on the bed cross-legged, just a little too far away to actually touch. "You didn't come home last night."

"Don't worry, I didn't fall asleep in the library again." There was an attempt at a smile but that only made Alex feel worse.

Because even for Madison's typical inflection-less joke, it fell flat. "But you had somewhere to sleep, right?"

"Mutt." Alex looked up from where he was fiddling with the edge of his pant leg. "Do I look like I haven't slept? I'm fine."

And it was true- while Mads wasn't exactly bursting with life, he didn't look completely exhausted either. Something to be expected had he worked a full shift without any sleep. He was even wearing a different set of clothes from the day prior, meaning he'd either planned to stay out- or had been able to borrow something from someone. Much better than the last few weeks of fall semester, when James had practically lived at the library. Alex had taken to bringing food and coffee when he picked up his score, teasing that it was pretty bad when the addict was the better looking of the pair.

"And us? Are we fine?"

A hand settled on his knee, and Alex stared at it, trying to convince his heart rate to slow back down. Rather than let himself jerk away, he put his own on top of it. Not a threat. No need to pull back. No need to protect himself from James. He was fine, he could handle this. Breathing in through his nose he took in the differences. Madison's skin so much darker than his own, palm and fingers wider- though Alex's fingers were longer. More piano like.

Madison gave him a slight squeeze. "We're fine if you're fine."

Okay. Alex could deal with that. They'd had a setback but that didn't have to be the end of things. Still, he should probably at least try and explain why he'd spent the entire weekend acting the way he did. 

"I shouldn't have freaked out like that." There was the sound of movement in the hallway, and Alex resisted the urge to look up, to see what Aaron was up to. "I just..."

"Your chest." Simple. And part of Alex hated how easy it was for Madison to figure that out. That he didn't even need to be told. "Mutt, I know I'm new to this- but you're allowed to uh..."

Allowed to what? Alex wanted to ask, but James was swishing the air around in his mouth. One cheek would inflate and then the other as he struggled with whatever he wanted to say. And this wasn't a situation that Alex could try and mimic Franklin's weird questioning style either. Couldn't see another angle to try and approach it from.

Thankfully it didn't take long for James to speak up again. "Sex isn't an equation. You don't have to do specific things in a specific order." Another pause as James collected his thoughts. "It's more like a sundae bar. A Little bit of this, a little bit of that, there's no wrong way to make dessert. If you want to keep your shirt on? That's fine. You could wear a dress for all I care. What's important is that you're comfortable."

It wasn't that Alex didn't know that first part, after all, he'd had his fair share of different kinds of sex. Sometimes there wasn't time to get clothes off, or there was a risk of getting caught. But it still felt like defeat to not be able to at least get his shirt off. That tended to fall under basic expectations for sex. Madison deserved someone who could give him what he wanted. Especially for his first time.

The first time he and John had slept together had been awkward but nice. Alex had snipped roses from the one of the neighbor's bushes, swiped some of Mrs. Stephen's bubble bath. Convinced his foster brother to buy him lube and condoms. He'd known John was a virgin, had wanted to make it special for him. Of course, John had teased him about it for weeks afterward. Offered to buy candles if it was romance that Alex was after.

James probably wouldn't appreciate it any more than John had. "You'd like to see me in a dress, wouldn't you?"

The eyebrow wiggle at least got a genuine laugh out of Madison. "Aaron calls you princess enough to warrant one."

"Speaking of Aaron," Alex glanced toward the door. "He's probably missing his evening cuppa right now?"

James nodded, carefully pulling his hand out from under Alex's before getting up. "You planning on joining us?"

"Can I get hot chocolate instead of gross grass water?" Because really, even if Alex did believe them that it helped on the sleep factor, some of the stuff they drank at night was strange. He'd found that out the hard way by stealing one of Aaron's cups one night.

"If you ask nicely," Madison teased as he helped Alex to his feet. "I think Aaron might have even grabbed the kind with the marshmellows."


	49. Ground Rules

[From: French Fuck  
8:39 AM

oui?]

[From: French Fuck  
8:52 AM

anything else, monsieur?]

The ground rules were simple. Lafayette wasn't allowed to touch him. At all. No head pets, no grabbing his hand, no draping himself around Aaron's shoulders. He wasn't to try and touch Alex either. Especially not to get his way. No picking Alex up or holding his arms. If Alex wanted a hug? He would initiate it. No excuses. Not butting in. He would let Alex say what he needed to say, or he could leave.

Ground rules were the only way that Aaron was going to get through this. Hercules hadn't been joking when he'd said he was going to the beach with Peggy. Part of him wanted to encourage Alex to wait another week until the man was home. Let Mulligan be the middle man. Another part of him wanted to call Angelica and beg for her opinion. But that would be just another person to explain everything that happened to. 

That wasn't fair to Alex. 

"You sure you want to do this?" It took Aaron a second to process that Madison was talking to him, and he nodded in response. "I know the dude skeeves you out. You could take the car. Go grocery shopping or some shit."

They were doing just fine on groceries and Aaron didn't have anything he particularly needed otherwise. Though, perhaps, he could go and get something to make a treat for Alex. He had told him that they could try baking again. With the summer heat, it might even be worth going and getting an ice cream machine. That would eat up some time and there was no question whether or not Alex would love it. It would also leave Alex and Madison alone with Lafayette. 

"I'll get over myself," Aaron said finally. "Besides, you heard him last night, he asked for my support."

Though, perhaps that had been more double checking that Aaron would be fine if Alex did try and work things out with Lafayette. It'd come up over tea when Alex asked James where he'd spent the night. Madison hadn't bothered lying. He'd spent the night at the murder house trying to figure out how someone so tall could be such a light weight. Then amended that perhaps it was less a light weight factor and more an issue with quantity. He expected better portion control from the French.

That had turned into Alex asking how Lafayette seemed. Which had turned into questioning Aaron.

All and all, not how Aaron had wanted to spend his evening. Nor did he want to spend his afternoon watching another car crash happen, but if Alex wanted to try again? Aaron wouldn't stop him. He couldn't sit there and express reservations about telling Alex what to do when it came to more trivial matters and then not support him on this. 

Silence settled back between them as Madison went back to making lunch and Aaron returned to trying and clean the already clean kitchen. Lured by the smell of food, Alex appeared, long hair stacked on top of his head in a sloppy bun. He drug himself over to where Madison was, and Aaron rolled his eyes fondly when Madison grabbed a fork to stick a bite of pasta in Alex's open mouth. Like watching a baby bird and it's mother.

It wasn't long before Aaron found himself with a lap full of Alex, and he wrapped his arms around the man's waist to keep him from slipping off. "Did we sleep well?"

The head pressed against his neck nodded. "Are we going to try and shower before people show up?"

Aaron expected a joke. Something about whether or not it was an offer, or about what fun things could happen there. Instead, he got a quiet ' uh-uh', and Madison mouthing something about talking later. Alright. They could do that. "Can we at least get changed? And maybe brush our teeth."

"If I brush my teeth do I get kisses?"

Before Aaron could ask if Alex planned on auctioning his hygiene off, Alex wiggled free of his hold. Hopefully to go and get changed, considering they'd told Lafayette to come over around noon. Of course, they'd done such expecting Alex to wake up before eleven.

Still, Aaron wouldn't begrudge Alex his sleep. 

When he reappeared, he'd at least changed out of his pajamas, and when he leaned down for a kiss, Aaron was relieved to taste mint. "Good boy. Do you want to eat lunch now or wait?"

"Wait." Alex looked over to where Madison was leaning against the kitchen counter. "I wouldn't say no to more hot chocolate, though."

"We're dating a child," Madison groaned, though he didn't exactly hesitate to grab a mug and start fixing it.

Despite his offer to stay in Aaron's place, once he'd handed off the finished product to Alex, Madison made his excuses. He'd barely been gone for five minutes when Aaron's phone buzzed, Lafayette letting him know he was almost there. Aaron fired back that the door was unlocked, no need to knock. 

"Do you want your box in the living room?" Alex considered the offer for a moment before shaking his head.

When Lafayette finally opened the door, they'd settled on the couch together. He had one arm curled around Alex's shoulder, the other hand idly flicking through facebook on his phone. It wasn't particularly engaging, but it was probably better than glaring at the other man considering he'd been the one to actually invite him over.

"Aaron. Ma petite? You wanted to see me?"

Awkward. The conversation at Mulligan's came back to him, and Aaron couldn't help but feel like this must have been what Lafayette had been like as a teen. Body too big, hands awkwardly shoved in his pockets and physically unsure of himself. Other than Monday, Aaron couldn't think of a time that Lafayette hadn't taken up as much space as possible. Casually lounged against objects or people alike. Hands behind his head as he tipped a chair back, spread legs taking up most of the room on the love seat. 

He didn't seem too confident now as he hovered near the door.

Neither did Alex though. But Aaron would wait it out. Whatever it was that Alex needed to say. 

Aaron expected a ramble. Word vomit at ninety words per minute. Instead, when Alex finally took a breath and looked up at Lafayette, all he said was, "You spilled coffee on me to have an excuse to talk to me."

A statement. Not a question, though Lafayette nodded. Validating Alex's concern. Alex sipped at his hot chocolate, apparently still searching for what he wanted to say.

Came up short. Or maybe, just decided it wasn't worth it. "You're worse at making friends than I am."

"I bought you a new one," Lafayette said. "Which is more than I can say for the fries you stole from John Laurens."

They'd been what? Fourteen when they met? Which was a far cry from Lafayette's almost twenty. Not to mention the comment was borderline defensive, and considering Alex wasn't even being mean... 

But Alex didn't seem to mind, though he did huff. "You literally could have just offered to buy me one. Or winked at me. I wasn't exactly a hard person to catch the attention of. And instead you..."

Alex trailed off, making a jerky motion with one hand instead. "That's not even the shitty part, though. The shitty part is the fact that I went months assuming you were my friend and you only befriended me because of Herc."

Aaron tightened the grip he had on Alex's shoulder when Lafayette came forward to kneel, trying to put them at eye level. "Mon ami, Hercules may have peaked my interest, yes. But I would have never done all that I have if I did not at least like you."

"Oughta throw my drink at you." Petulant but defeated. The fabric beneath Aaron's fingers was soft as he tried to give his quiet support.

Lafayette's lip twitched. "If we can go and get drinks afterward, I would allow you to."


	50. Chapter 50

"Can I help you?"

Lafayette had left at least ten minutes ago. Ten minutes that Aaron had sat there patiently, rubbing gentle circles on his back. Ten minutes that Aaron had put up with him blowing hot air onto his collar bone. Clearly waiting for Alex to speak up and ask for what he wanted.

Except Alex didn't know what that was.

The meeting hadn't gone as miserably as it could have. Didn't make him feel any better than he had before, either. Though at least he'd gotten to hear Lafayette actually say that he cared. But he still felt so insecure. 

Not that it could be blamed entirely on Lafayette. Franklin called it a damaged sense of self. Had used the term when Alex brought up Aaron's asexuality and not being sure how he fit in that equation. That it wasn't uncommon for trauma survivors to feel like they have to fill a specific role, and then panic when that was challenged. And removing sex from his relationship? Challenged where he fit with Aaron. Just like freaking out made him anxious about Madison. Just like removing the 'using Alex for his intelligence' factor made him question his place with Lafayette.

When he didn't answer, the hand that had been rubbing his back reached up to pull his hair, tugging his head back so that Aaron could look him in the eye. "Do we need to get your box?"

The coping skills box. He had asked Aaron to help him actually utilize it, hadn't he? And even if Aaron was doing it by using 'we' rather than telling him what to do directly, it at least showed he was trying. And yet, Alex couldn't bring himself to do the same. To meet him halfway.

Alex didn't nod but he also didn't shake his head. Didn't say no. Aaron released the grip he had on his hair, encouraged him to stand. "We'll go get your box. Do you want to come back to the living room or stay in the bedroom? Or maybe take that shower? Your hair is greasy, pet."

No. Alex did not want to take a shower. Did not want to go into the bathroom. Did not want to say any of that either. For all that Alex didn't know what he wanted, that was one thing he did know. 'Not that' so much louder than any 'maybe that would work'. Words suddenly harder than they should be. Or not so suddenly, he'd had an issue formulating his thoughts earlier too. He'd thought he'd had everything he wanted to say to Lafayette figured out and then he'd shown up...

Shown up looking as nervous as Alex felt. Two people trying to feel one another out- as if they'd just met, despite having known each other for almost a year. He just wanted to go back. Rewind to where he felt more sure of himself in general. Like he wasn't constantly running from the damage either the drugs or Jefferson had caused. To his brain, to his body, to his relationships.

Was it really all that wrong for Alex to want things to work like they always had? It wasn't Ben's voice that broke into his thoughts there, but Aaron's. A chide about how his and John's relationship had turned into sex and violence. Because that's all that Alex had considered himself worth. Relationships were a mirror though, and in turn, he'd made John think that was all he had to offer.

Maybe he needed to talk to Franklin about that. Except he should probably find a better way to phrase it than 'how do I keep my crummy self-esteem without hurting those around me?' That one probably wouldn't go over too well. 

"Bedroom it is," Aaron said when Alex planted himself on the bed. "Can we scooch over so that I can sit down too?"

"Good boy." Aaron opened the box and Alex stared blankly at the contents.

None of them screamed fix. He wasn't scratching at his arms and that's usually when he used the stress ball and playdough. Wasn't struggling with his breathing, there went the bubbles and the paper bag. His brain wasn't racing, no need for the beading or the coloring pages or any of the other things in there meant to help him focus. Aaron's fingers tapped along the edges of the box, and then he turned to look at Alex. "Actually, can we try something?"

Alex nodded. Allowed Aaron to manipulate him until he was under the covers on his side of the bed. Didn't say anything when Aaron tapped his nose gently and told him to wait just a moment. Or when the man came back with a pile of blankets. Aaron paused to turn the fan on before returning to his task, which was seemingly to try and smother Alex.

The worst part was that other than the heat of it? It did seem to be helping. At least in terms of making him feel less bad. Especially once Aaron climbed under his own side (suspiciously lacking most of the layers) and put a protective arm around his waist.

"I'm not sleepy," Alex murmured. "Not going to nap."

"I know. But Theo suggested looking into a weighted blanket and this is the closest we can do until then. Okay?"

Okay. Alex could handle that. So long as Aaron didn't actually expect him to go to sleep. He'd already slept in that morning and the last thing he needed to do was further screw up his sleep schedule. Except apparently Aaron had also turned the air up, and as the room's temp dropped and the blankets grew less unbearable- Alex found himself drifting off. 

When he woke up, it was to the low sound of voices in the living room and the smell of food wafting from the kitchen.

But first, he had a shower he needed to pretend to take.


	51. Unexpected Guest

Seven AM saw Aaron staring at the clock. He'd woken up nearly an hour before and he'd tried, he really had, to go back to sleep. But by the time that seven appeared on his phone screen, Aaron knew it was time to cut his losses. So he pressed a kiss on Alex's forehead and did his best to duck out of the room as quietly as possible. 

They didn't have the booklists for next semester yet, but his Lit teacher tended to be pretty consistent so he'd snagged a list from one of his former students. Had already managed to read his way through the first two on the list. The most that he could really do in the summer month, but it might give him an advantage in the upcoming year. And after the last semester he'd had, he'd need any advantage he could get. 

Not that he'd done that poorly. But the end of semester had definitely been harder than usual, and the exhaustion didn't seem interested in leaving. Depression or not, he wasn't going to let that get in the way of his GPA. He'd worked too hard to get this far. 

Besides, the quiet of the house was almost comforting. James and Alex both fast asleep, nothing more than the hum of the air conditioner to keep him company. It wasn't quite sleep, but reading in these conditions was relaxing enough. 

When someone knocked on the door at nine, Aaron stuck his head into Madison's room. "You expecting anyone?"

"Yeah," Aaron was just about to ask who when Madison followed up with, "That's why I'm still in bed."

"Point taken." Another knock echoed through the house and Aaron shrugged. "I'll go see who it is, I guess. You want anything for breakfast when I'm done?"

A familiar voice requested pancakes and Aaron did a double take to realize that yes, there was another body in James' bed. At some point Alex must have woken up and realized he was alone. Climbed into Madison's bed instead of truly waking up or sleeping alone. Aaron made note of his 'order' before heading to check the door.

Stared openly when Maria waltzed into the house and plopped down on the couch. "Took you long enough. Where's lover boy?"

"Did Alex know you were coming?" Not that he minded Maria being there, but it was a bit startling. "He's still in bed."

Two braids bounced against her shoulders as she nodded. "I mean, I am a bit early? I thought he'd be up. I don't exactly remember sleeping being on the menu for him back in the dorm."

Whether or not Maria realized that Alex had been on drugs back then, Aaron didn't know. It seemed a great deal of people had known, after all. But it wasn't an appropriate thing to ask so he settled for asking if she'd like something to drink. Panicked slightly when she asked if they had tea.

Of course they did, but considering Madison didn't even know what was inside of the jars, how was Aaron supposed to list off brands? Thankfully Maria didn't mind when he explained the situation, and she followed him into the kitchen. He pulled the infuser ball from the cabinet, along with a mug while she smelled the different combinations. Once she'd picked one, and he'd double checked that she knew how to make her own pot, he made his excuse to go check on Alex.

Who was grumpily going through Madison's closet looking for a sweater and completely ignoring Madison's warning that it'd be too hot to wear one outside. Just kept shooting back that he needed to look nice. Aaron shook his head fondly. "Why don't you try on one of my button downs? Or a polo?"

Alex considered it for a moment before heading to the other room, leaving a bewildered James staring at Aaron. "Does he not own clothes of his own?"

"It's his first day volunteering," Aaron offered as an explanation. "And honestly I'm not sure I've seen him wear anything of his own that wasn't a t-shirt or tank top."

He kept his voice as low as possible. The last thing he wanted was to make Alex feel insecure about swiping his clothes, and especially when it came to something like this. Volunteering with Maria could be a very good thing for Alex. Not that the shelter would care if he showed up in his pajamas, but if Alex wanted to look nice, then Aaron supported it.

A lot more than he had the idea of Alex getting a job at least.

Eventually Alex reappeared, rubbing his hands down the front of the burgandy button down, looking up at Aaron for approval. Which he gave willingly, leaning in for a quick kiss. "Maria's in the kitchen, are you ready?"

Alex nodded and Aaron brushed a strand of hair from his face before heading back toward the kitchen. At the table, Maria brightened when she saw them, putting down her half finished cup. "Do you need to grab breakfast or anything before we go?"

A quick look in Aaron's direction and then Alex sighed, dutifully heading to the fridge. When he came back out, it was with yogurt in hand and once he'd grabbed a spoon, he sat down at the table. "Aaron was supposed to make pancakes."

"You still could?" Maria said, looking up at him. "I normally don't go in until noon. But with Hercules and Peggy out of the house... I wanted to get back home earlier.  Not have to deal with traffic."

Part of Alex obviously still wanted to press the pancake the issue, because he glanced between Aaron and the yogurt cup in his hand before sighing. "No. That's completely valid, and you're doing me such a huge favor by taking me anyway."

"Least I could do." Maria gave a half-hearted shrug before turning to Aaron. "I promise to have him home before he turns into a pumpkin." 

"Thank you." And then, "You two have fun."

Another kiss and Aaron waved as he watched them drive away. Stepped back inside to find Madison in the living room, ignoring Aaron's look of annoyance while he shoved a piece of pizza in his mouth. It'd be pointless to comment that the kitchen was for eating. Alex's behavior he could sometimes influence, Madison was an entirely different beast.

James glanced toward the door and swallowed, apparently content that Alex was gone. "He seem okay to you?"

"This morning?" Aaron made a face, not understanding what Madison was trying to point out. "For the all of ten minutes he was up before running out the door? Yeah."

"In general." Madison did at least have the decency to wipe his fingers on a napkin. "I don't think he's showering."

Aaron paused, and then shook his head. "He took one yesterday? Washed his hair and everything?"

"You mean the hair that's in the sink?"

James had a valid point. But there were plenty of reasons for Alex's hair to be in the sink. After all, it was long and he tended to brush it in the bathroom. Plenty of chances for pieces to come out there. Aaron told him such, as well as pointed out that Alex would have BO if he was going that long without showering. But Madison countered with another valid point- the baby wipes in the coping skill box. 

"So long as he's clean, does it matter?" Aaron finally asked, not sure that he was comfortable gossiping with Madison behind Alex's back. 

No doubt Alex would say something about having two boyfriends didn't mean having two dads- no matter how many times he called Aaron daddy. James considered the question for a moment before shrugging. "His chest is still bothering him. Kinda worried."

That was a concept that Aaron was all too familiar with.


	52. Daddy Material

Maria bit her nails. Part of Alex knew he probably shouldn't be staring, but between the red paint and the fact that every time she didn't have something in both hands- one would find itself close to her mouth. Sometimes she'd catch herself, balling the offending hand into a fist and jerking it down.

The third time she did that, he finally spoke up. "Have you tried the hot sauce thing? Ma tried that on me. 'course I'd just suck it off. But if you don't like hot sauce it might work?"

It took Maria an awkward moment to realize what he was talking about, and when she finally got it, she laughed. "You would. And it's fine. Just a bad habit. Thought about getting fake nails but that's a lot of money to spend if I'm just going to bite them off."

"Yeah," Alex mindlessly agreed, as if he had any idea how much fake nails cost. Leaned against the filing cabinet that Maria was kneeling next to. "How do they expect you to fit anything else in here?"

"There's a little bit of room in that one," Maria pointed to one across the room. "Eventually, something will get moved over there. But because it's alphabetical, that means moving everything over by one- not just taking from here and putting it over there."

"So what do you want me to do in the meantime? If you tell me what to move I could do that?" Maybe. He still wasn't actually sure which filing cabinets belonged to which system.

Maria had gone over that information rapid fire, said that she'd break it down more when it became relevant. But basically, some of the filing cabinets had information about programming, some of them had stuff about the people that came through, and then another about their financials and grants.

But Maria shook her head. "I'm trying to find a few files in here to use as examples."

Finally, she did. Had him sit down next to her as she explained what he could do. Pull out the folders, heading by heading. Then go folder by folder and put things in the correct order. There were a couple of pieces of paperwork that needed to go at the back of every folder, and then after that by date. Then back in the heading- put back in the same order that he pulled them out. If no folders in a heading had anything more recent than seven years ago, then he could put it to the side and someone above Maria's head would decide whether or not it could be shredded.

Tedious. But at least it felt productive. And if he found groups that could be shredded, then there would be more room in the cabinet and life would be easier for Maria. So he spread out on the floor and worked. Even managed to go almost an hour without speaking up again. "I can't believe they went to the beach without you. Rude."

Maria shrugged. "The last thing I want is to be running around in a bathing suit. It's hot enough here, thank you very much."

"I'd rather be on a beach in a sweat suit than home alone." Alex closed the file he was working on, tucking it into the bigger header and adding it to his pile to go back into the cabinet.

"I would have never guessed that from the way you stayed in the common space most of the time." Alex watched as she jerked her hand away from her mouth again. "It's fine. I just have to keep busy during the day, and they'll be home soon."

Part of Alex wanted to offer for her to stay with them, but he didn't know how Mads or Aaron would feel about that. Didn't know that she'd really accept it either. Alex managed to get through two smaller folders before his urge to speak overcame him again. "So how is it? Living with Peggy and Herc? Does he dad you too?"

"Alex," Maria's tone held a fair bit of warning, and he looked up sharply at it. "Please never mention me, Hercules, and 'Dad' in the same sentence again. Not all of us have Daddy issues."

"I will have you know I was asking a perfectly innocent question." He had been, he really had, but if she wanted to sink to his level... "Though, can we really deny that Herc's Daddy material? Them muscles. That no nonsense glare. His horrible taste in beer. I bet you he'd fit right in at a home depot. You should ask him to build you a fort."

"He prefers sewing, actually." It was said so casually that Alex almost believed it.

Almost. "No fucking way."

With a mischevious smile, Maria grabbed her purse from under the desk she'd been working at. When she beckoned, Alex moved the pile of folders so that he could crawl toward her. There on her phone, plain as day, was a picture of his former RA sitting in his living room. A beer on the table next to him and one of those weird wooden loops in his hand.

It didn't look like any kind of sewing that Alex had ever seen. "What in the world is he even doing there?"

Maria tucked her phone back in her bag. "Cross stitch. He also makes tiny stuffed animals sometimes. He's made I think three since we moved in together."

The idea of Hercules Mulligan curled up on the couch making toys was an interesting one. "See. Daddy material."

A delicate hand patted him on the back and Alex stuck his tongue out when she said, "If that's what you're into, sweetie. Now back to work- we've only got an hour or so left for the day. And then maybe we can grab lunch?"

He'd have to text Aaron and Madison, to let them know he wouldn't be getting home till later. But especially considering her comment earlier about wanting to stay busy during the day, the idea of getting lunch was a good one. Toward the end, once Alex had already started packing everything back into the filing cabinet, Maria ducked out to go and speak to someone else in the office. By the time everything was in it's place and he'd messaged Aaron, she'd reappeared holding a small ID badge.

"Here ya go. They'll get you a real one with your face on it once you've been here a bit, but this will at least let someone know you belong here."

Alex took it tenatively, staring at the small bit of plastic before grinning at her and shoving it in his back pocket. "So what did you have in mind for lunch?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~I don't know what you're talking about. I definitely don't still resent the filing system at my old job. Nope. It was not a nuisance that I still have nightmares about at allllllllll. That being said blahblhablhbalh my experience with filing comes from a financial institution. Homeless shelters might not have to hold onto every spare piece of paper they doodle on for 7 years. So that year number might sound weird. I just used it because it's what I know. Other unimportant facts- 'header' is basically what I'm referring to sections as. If it's client files, then the header is the clients last name and like all the smaller files are kept in a bigger one? meant to like group shit together. if there are multiple files in a client thingy. otherwise there are just headers on each little individual file. I've also used them for school shit to group like subjects together. Just incase the word header was throwing you off.~~
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> Okay but y'all, no really, the fuck is up with Diggs' wardrobe? I love that man so much but he has now worn not ONE, but TWO outfits that look like they were assembled out of other pieces of clothes. And one of them was a suit?????? I just ?????????  
> what is going on i am so confused by fashion.


	53. Top or Bottom?

Book and highlighter in hand, Aaron stretched out across the couch. Contemplated grabbing headphones so that he could tune out the little bit of noise that Madison was making. Decided that it was too much work in the end, and they settled into a mostly quiet morning of co-existence. After an hour or so, James' voice pulled him back out of reading. "Can I ask you something?"

Aaron glanced over to where Madison was pointedly looking at his computer screen, which probably should have been his first clue of how the conversation was going to go. "What's on your mind?"

Madison drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, taking a second to collect himself before responding. "Mutt. Top or bottom?"

Nothing about that made any sense. "Do what?" 

"Alex?" Madison finally looked up, meeting Aaron's eye. "He top or bottom? You know? In bed? Or do y'all switch?"

Oh god. No. If Aaron had realized this was what Madison wanted to talk about, he'd have suddenly claimed to be busy. Part of him was still tempted to. 'Sorry James, I can't talk to you about my non-existent sex life or Alex's very existent preferences- too busy doing my taxes. What do you mean it isn't tax season and I don't have a job? This is very important.'

And the truth was, he didn't know the answer to James' question. Not in entirety. He rubbed at his face, trying to debate whether or not he wanted James to know his and Alex's arrangement. Before Alex, his sexuality had always been his own business and no one else's. Something that didn't need to be brought up in conversation or shared with anyone. Even Angelica didn't know, and she had been one of his closer friends freshman year. Someone that he trusted. 

But the fact of the matter was that he and Madison were both dating Alex. And while he couldn't immediately name a reason why James would need to know, it might help. If nothing else it would save him from any further questions about Alex and the bedroom department. "From what I know, he bottoms. However, we don't uh- yeah."

Have sex. He was a grown fucking man and for some reason, he couldn't make himself say that out loud. It reminded him of his high school gym teacher, during their awkward sex ed unit. 'If you aren't ready to say the word without giggling, you aren't ready to have it.' Which had been absolutely fine with Aaron. Still was. 

"Oh." Madison looked bewildered for a split second, and then he shrugged. "Okay, but y'all do... do some things. What does he like?"

Okay. So no it wouldn't save him from more awkward questions. "I already told you he likes his hair pulled. Kissing. Pet names? Though I think you two already have your thing there."

The mountain trip flashed in Aaron's head, but he had no interest in going over all that. In saying 'well, he asked me once if I'd rather come on his face or down his throat- so he's probably into both.' Or talking about the fact that Alex liked to be told what to do, to be held down. No, if Alex wanted to go there with Madison, he needed to tell him that. Aaron wasn't going to say something and risk Alex being uncomfortable when James tried it. Especially considering other things, like the fact that Alex had once enjoyed taking showers together but had turned him down the last few times.

Might not be taking them at all, if Madison's observation meant anything. 

"You probably already figured out the good boy thing." Aaron stared at the ceiling, book abandoned on the couch beside him as he tried to pretend he wasn't having this conversation. "He uh... Likes to be claimed? He once teased that I could call him anything so long as the word 'my' came before it."

"Huh." For one blissful second, Aaron thought it was over. But then Madison managed to make it worse. "French fry figure that out on his own, you think?"

Madison must have realized that Aaron had no idea what he was talking about because he awkwardly rubbed at his neck. "The pet names? Mon? and Ma? Those are uh, 'my'. The Ma thing is part of what Alex was talking about with the girl thing. I thought it was just a thing he did in general, but it's mostly for Alex isn't it?"

"He calls me mon ami, sometimes? I think he's used that one on Mulligan too." Though the more that he thought of it, the more that Madison was right stuck out. Most of the french that Lafayette used around Aaron had been directed at Alex. 

"Friend. He's called me that too. Though, if we're being honest-" Madison trailed off for a moment before shaking his head. "It never came off that friendly. Usually, when he was about to tell me what to do. And he's stopped now that we talk more, though he has the obnoxious habit of calling me Maddy."

The fact that James and Lafayette had gotten closer was news to Aaron, though perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised. Especially considering the fact that Madison had spent the night at the murder house recently. Part of Aaron wanted to point out the fact that Madison didn't sound particularly fond of the man- had referred to him coming by his work as 'pestering'... But considering the way his and Alex's friendship had reformed, maybe that was just par for the course for Madison. "He calls John mon amour."

"Love or maybe lover?" Madison gave a one-sided shrug. "Either way, possessive makes sense with John, doesn't it?"

Aaron couldn't even remember all the things that Lafayette had called Alex. "Why does he have to be so weird?"

Because really, that's what it came down to. Madison was right, the couple of times that Lafayette had called him his friend? It'd felt more teasing than a true comment on friendship. The bait before the hook. 'We're friends, aren't we? That is why you shouldn't complain.' Aaron had always hated over familiarity for that reason. At least Alex's jumping the gun on them had been obvious, he'd been pointed. Whereas Lafayette...

"You really think you got any room to be calling him weird?" Madison asked, eyebrow raised. "You and Alex wrote the book on that, man. He's just a bossy asshole."


	54. Tofu and Plotting

The burger joint they'd decided to eat at was a little more crowded than Alex would have preferred, but thankfully the waitress had sat them at a corner booth. It was even circular, allowing them to sit next to one another, both with their backs mostly against the wall. Alex's knee jiggled beneath the table and he snorted when he realized Maria was chewing on her straw.

It was an impulse he knew well. "How are you holding up these days, anyway? Are you doing better?"

Was Maria happy? Safe? Did James Reynolds know where she lived? Was she worried? Was she getting help? Alex had Aaron and Madison. Hell, he even had Lafayette and John and sometimes Herc. Did Maria have people too? She'd deflected him earlier asking about Hercules, and that was fine. Her relationships weren't any of his business, but Alex wanted to know that she was doing better. Maybe not well, maybe not yet, but better than where she'd been.

For a moment he expected a deflection again, or for her to side step the question the same way he'd side-stepped Eliza about his chest. "There's a group? At the church. For abused women. I go on Wednesday nights. Knowing I'm not alone..."

Idly she fiddled with the end of one braid, and Alex latched on that. Changed the subject so that she wouldn't feel any more awkward. "I meant to tell you earlier that you looked nice."

Maria rolled her eyes, glancing down at the red dress she'd worn. "I'd say thank you, but let's face it- you think everyone is pretty."

He'd barely opened his mouth to argue when Maria silenced him by poking his nose. "You literally flirted with the waitress earlier and she's like fifty."

"Maybe I have a thing for older women," Alex defended, crossing his arms. "Besides, I wasn't flirting, I was being nice."

All he'd done was tell her that her hair was beautiful. A lovely gray bob that had complimented the woman's features. And so what if they'd stopped to chat for a moment because he was 'such a nice young man'? But Maria only made an 'uh huh' sound, refusing to further the argument. Probably for the best, really. Especially because the waitress came back by, taking their orders.

Alex waited until the waitress left before turning to Maria again. "Tofu? You chose to come to a burger place to get tofu?"

It earned him another eye roll. "Not everyone eats meat. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good burger, though."

"Gross." He wrinkled his nose before anxiety made him apologize. "I mean, not that I'm judging your choices or anything. If you want to eat tofu you can."

"I'm so glad to have your permission." It was teasing, but the next comment hit just a little close to home. "How does Aaron put up with you? He's so thoughtful and you're so... you."

Teasing. Picking. Alex repeated that in his head. Maria was picking on him, not trying to be mean. But she was also right. Aaron was fantastic and careful and sweet. He'd taken Alex on that mountain trip before they were even really dating. Had been willing to have sex with him in the future if it meant keeping Alex happy. Waited patiently when Alex sulked over Lafayette, had supported his decision there, even when Alex lashed out. 

And what had Alex given him in return? Ben had said he needed to do something nice for his partner this week, and he still didn't know what he was supposed to do. What Aaron would like. 

Suddenly, he found himself wishing that Hercules had been right. That Aaron had had some sort of secret weird collection. Letter openers or stamps, at least it would make it easy to figure out something to do for him.

Fingers snapping in front of his face brought him back to the present. "You okay? You know I didn't-"

Alex cut her off. "If you had to do something nice for Aaron, what would you do?"

At Maria's bewildered 'what?' Alex clarified, "I want to do something nice for Aaron. But I don't know what to do. And I want it to be a thing not uh... ya know."

He waved his hand, waggling his eyebrows to try and express himself without actually saying it. Thankfully Maria caught his drift, sighing dramatically. "You mean I don't get to take you lingerie shopping?"

"Not until the third date," Alex quipped. "But no. Really, can you help? I uh... While Aaron's not my first- he's definitely my first real relationship."

"I thought you and Laurens had been a thing?"

An innocent question, she'd probably seen John coming out of his rooms a few times early on in the semester. "We never made anything official."

Maybe they should have. But he'd been so young when they started, hadn't been interested in actually dating. Running around and trying to find anything or anyone to take up a few hours of his time. Maybe if they'd made things official, he'd have been more careful. He'd have known to reassure John of his place in his life and they wouldn't have lost months to awkwardness and regret. 

Or maybe it would have been a nasty break up. One they couldn't come back from. Or maybe they would be happy and he'd have never met Aaron and really, really, hadn't he already learned his lesson about these pointless chains of what ifs? They were where they were and all he could do was try and make things better for everyone still in his life.

Thankfully Maria started talking before Alex could go too far down that road. They broke apart briefly when the waitress reappeared with their food, before going back to their conversation. Mindlessly Alex shoved fries in his mouth as Maria gave suggestions, nodding occasionally in response to a particular strand. Pitched his own concerns and opinions while she ate her burger.

When they were both through and the check had been taken care of, Alex let her lead him to the car before speaking up again. "Hey, why don't you come to the house? Hang out for a bit. Maybe have dinner with us?"

"It's a few hours before dinner, and we've just spent all morning together." Alex couldn't help the pout that formed, and she reached over to ruffle his hair. "Fine. But only because I want to talk to Aaron."

Aaron would like that. "No ruining my surprise, okay?"


	55. On a scale of 1 to 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up I'm earning that d/s theme tag again

The mouth on his collarbone was warm. Alternating between peppering small kisses along exposed skin and longer open mouthed touches. Predictable. A familiar call and response as he traced patterns through Alex's shirt, trying to figure out how he wanted to proceed. "It was nice of you to invite Maria over for dinner."

Alex nosed at his neck. "She's nice. Likes you."

That was good to know. Aaron drummed his fingers along Alex's hips, thinking about what Madison had said earlier about Alex's chest. About Madison who had turned in for bed almost as soon as Maria left, claiming a headache. 

About Alex, exploring his neck with no expectation of anything going further. "Scale of one to ten, how anxious are you right now?"

"One?" Alex pulled back to look at him. "Why?"

"I want to try something." And pray it didn't blow back up in his face. But no, if he was going to do it, he was going to commit to doing it right. No second guessing himself. "What's your safe word?"

"Virginia." The same one they'd used in the mountains. Good. Aaron could remember that. "Aaron?"

The hair under his fingertips was soft as he tugged Alex back a little further, so that he could get a better look at Alex's face. "Do you still want to do this? For me to tell you what to do? To do things for me?"

Eager. Alex nodded, wide eyed even as he did. Clearly curious as to what Aaron was planning. Aaron pulled him back close, into a brief kiss before encouraging Alex to stand up. To follow him into the bedroom. It only took a hand on Alex's shoulder to make him sit down on the bed, and Aaron brushed a piece of hair from his face before moving to the closet. Dug out a small box that hadn't seen the light of day in months. Had quietly been transferred from dorm to house when they moved, but touched little other than that. He'd gotten it after the mountain trip but then everything had happened...

And he'd been too anxious to try since then. Worried about hurting Alex. But that was why they had check in's. And a safe word. 

"I'm going to put a blindfold on you now, okay?" Alex blinked up at him and nodded.

The fabric was soft, even as Aaron smoothed it over Alex's eyes. "Number?"

It took Alex little longer to answer that time. "Somewhere between a two and a three."

Aaron could work with that. "Let me know if it gets any higher than a six."

Another nod. "Is it okay if I take off your jeans?"

The dominance that Alex was used to probably didn't ask. Probably didn't check in on every act, but each nod helped soothed Aaron's own anxiety. Even if Alex had no idea what they were going to do, Alex wanted this. Trusted him. Lifted his hips to help Aaron pull them down after he'd unzipped them. Leaving Alex to sit on the bed in Aaron's button down and a pair of boxers. 

"Are you wearing a tank top under the button down?" Alex's brow furrowed, but he nodded. "I'm going to take off the button down. Just the button down."

Alex's hands briefly balled into fists, but then they relaxed and Aaron could take that. He'd known that it was risky, but Alex didn't complain. Just let Aaron pull his knees apart so that he could kneel between them. Careful to pull the shirt away from Alex's body, just a tad, before starting to undo the buttons. Minimizing the chance that he'd actually touch Alex's chest. Trying to do his best to make this as easy as possible for him.

When he was done, he pulled Alex to stand with him, bringing their mouths together. Allowed himself to enjoy the way Alex leaned into him, pressed their bodies together, even as he let Aaron lead the kiss. 

"Good boy," Aaron whispered against his lips. "I'm going to hold your hand and lead you somewhere else, okay?"

That Alex clearly wasn't expecting, but he nodded anyway. Didn't say anything even when they reached the bathroom, even though he had to know where they were. It wasn't if the house was that big, even blindfolded Alex would know the layout. For a moment he considered turning the light on, before ultimately deciding to just leave the bathroom door open a crack. Letting a small amount of light seep in from the hallway. It'd be enough. "Number?"

Alex swallowed, head turning away from him. "Five."

"Thank you for being honest." Because he wanted to reinforce that. Wanted Alex to know that he could speak up when uncomfortable. "Remember that you have your word."

Now for the interesting part. Aaron ran a hand over his head, trying to figure out how to word his request. "Would you like to wash me?"

"I can stay dressed?" Which only confirmed what Madison had said, and why Aaron had helped him get down to the bare minimum back in the bedroom.

Because yes. Yes, Alex could stay dressed. At least this would get him in the shower, and maybe, just maybe, he'd let Aaron wash his hair at the end. "This is all about me. Do you want to keep the blindfold on?"

At that, Alex shook his head, and Aaron leaned in to undo the knot at the back. Let the scrap of fabric fall to the floor between them as he stroked Alex's cheek with his thumb. Watched as Alex's eyes adjusted to the dim light. "You can undress me now."

Alex started with his shirt, fingers curling around the hem before tugging it over his head. It wasn't the point, but he said nothing when Alex took the time to run his fingertips down the front of his chest. Bit back a small laugh when they circled his belly button, unwilling to let Alex know he was ticklish there. It was information that would no doubt be used against him when it did come out. 

Eventually, Alex kneeled, looked up at Aaron for permission with his hands on Aaron's belt buckle. Undid it when Aaron nodded, tugging slightly to pull the leather from its place. Stayed like that, stroking it idly and Aaron couldn't help but think back to the mountains. Alex joking about laying across his lap and handing him a paddle. Thankfully Alex sat it on the ground before undoing his zipper and pulling his jeans down, helping Aaron step out of them one leg at the time. 

When Alex hesitated, barely touching Aaron's boxers, he exhaled. "It's up to you."

Mutual vulnerability wasn't always about being in the same position. Aaron didn't have a problem with his chest, barely had a problem with nudity so long as he knew what was expected of him. And Alex hadn't pushed once since learned about Aaron's sexuality. Had barely pushed in the first place, more interested in stating that he was interested and making sure that Aaron didn't think him breakable. 

Alex pressed a kiss against his bare thigh, and Aaron would have rolled his eyes if it wasn't so adorable. Instead he reached down to help Alex to his feet. "Ready?"


	56. Service Kink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there might be a handjob or smthg in this chapter if such things aren't to ya fancy u can probs skip this chapter and not miss any super important things.

The water was warm, weighing down his clothes and god, why hadn't Alex thought of this before. It wasn't even the best part. No. That honor went to the feeling of Burr's skin under his hands.

Alex wanted to kiss every inch of that skin.

Settled instead for running over it with the washcloth, one hand braced on Aaron's hip as he cleaned his chest with the other. Aaron, who had checked in so much in the lead-up, was mostly quiet. Didn't tell him to move on or what to do, allowed Alex to drink his fill. Let him work his way down each arm, massaging his hands when he got there. The washcloth thrown over his own shoulder so that he could focus his energy there. Could kiss each knuckle, nuzzle the meat of his palm.

For the most part, he couldn't see anything, just enough light with the curtain drawn that he could make out Aaron's form. Had to trust his hands to guide him. And that? was nice. Really nice.

Gently he backed Aaron up, making sure that Aaron's shoulders would connect with the wall of the shower before his head did. Knelt down between Aaron's legs, enjoying the feeling of the water beating against his back as he took the washcloth to Aaron's thighs after a much quicker wash of Aaron's cock. With anyone else, that would have been the focal point. But Aaron trusted him, and he wasn't going to let him down. Instead he focused on cleaning and massaging those beautiful legs. Regretted, just a bit, that he couldn't see Aaron's facial expressions as he went.

But this wasn't sex. He didn't need to be clocking which areas of skin were most sensitive, making note so that later on he could toy with them with lips, tongue, and teeth. Maybe he could talk Aaron into letting Alex give him massages. That'd be something nice. Something that let him touch him more.

Especially if this was going to be a thing. If Aaron was going to start telling him what to do more often, letting Alex serve him. And sure, Alex's type of submission usually ended with a cock inside of him or his face between a girl's legs- but he could do this too.

Liked this too. Knowing he was serving a purpose. Knowing he was making Aaron happy. Alex ran a hand down his side, encouraging Aaron to turn around so that Alex could get his back. Hid his smile at the noise Aaron made when the washcloth made contact with his ass.

When he stood up so that he could more properly wash Aaron's back again, Alex squeaked when instead Aaron turned around, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling them flush. "Good boy," Aaron murmured directly into his ear. "My good boy. Can I wash your hair? As a reward for how well behaved you've been?"

Unsure of his own ability to speak, Alex nodded. Chewed on his bottom lip as Aaron turned him so that he was facing the shower's spray. Strong fingers massaged shampoo into his scalp, and he bit a little harder than necessary when Aaron's version of getting product throughout his hair leaned closer to pulling than sliding. Something completely intentional, if Aaron's pleased sound meant anything.

Asshole.

Perfect. Wonderful asshole. Alex closed his eyes and tipped his head when instructed, letting Aaron rinse his hair. Froze when Aaron pulled him back into his chest, trying not to think about the fact that it put his ass against his boyfriend's cock. His boyfriend's soft cock, because Aaron was asexual, and it wasn't shower sex time.

Something someone should have probably informed Aaron of considering his hand kept creeping lower. Finally, it stopped. Fingertips barely centimeters away from Alex's cock. Which wasn't fair. Because he could handle a lot, but this was teasing.

"Can I take care of you?" Burr asked, chin digging into Alex's shoulder.

Alex wanted to say he didn't have to, that he understood Aaron's preferences. That what they'd done so far had been enough. And it had been, it'd been perfect really. But Aaron was offering and Alex wasn't that strong. Instead, he nodded. Let his head fall back against Aaron's shoulder as the man slipped his hand down Alex's boxers.

Aaron's grip was firm, not a bit of hesitation as he twisted his hand along Alex's length. Teasing him to be quiet when Alex moaned at a particularly nice stroke. It didn't take long, not considering how long it had been and Alex buried his face in Aaron's neck as he came.

Allowed Aaron to lower him to the floor of the shower. Relaxed there as Aaron turned off the shower spray and stepped out to wrap a towel around his waist. "I'm going to go grab some clothes for you, okay?"

When Aaron reappeared, he pulled Alex to his feet, pushed his wet boxers down and towel dried him off before helping him step into a new dry pair. Helped him step out of the shower entirely, even with his soaked tank top still clinging to his chest. Let him sit down on the toilet so that Aaron could pull a pair of actual pajama pants onto him. Finally Aaron grabbed a dry towel and wrapped it around his chest. Tugged the wet fabric up beneath it, letting Alex cover each exposed inch of flesh with the towel. Aaron closed his eyes as he tugged it off entirely. Patted the counter beside him blindly for the dry t-shirt he'd brought in. Didn't open them again until it was on.

Wasn't that the most considerate thing? Alex had already been greedy, but he couldn't stop himself from voicing it just once more. "Kiss?"

Thankfully Aaron didn't chastise him, just pulled him to stand. Threaded his fingers into his hair and brought their mouths together and Alex could have stayed like that forever. Not that he was disappointed when Aaron stepped back and led him back to the bedroom. Curled up under the covers, with his head on Aaron's chest was just as nice.

Just as lovely.

What he'd done to deserve all this, Alex didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what you're talking about I don't take showers in my clothes I would never (... I mean. I don't always. but yeah. yeah.)


	57. Hypothetically Speaking

When Aaron woke up, he was alone. Which was unusual for the nights that Alex slept with him, but there were sounds in the rest of the house and he tried to remind himself that it was fine. Alex hadn't freaked out last night. If anything, it'd been extremely nice for both of them.

Still. Aaron twisted, cracking his back in the process. He needed to go check on him, just to be sure.

Smiled at the sight that greeted him in the kitchen, Alex covered in flour as he attempted to mix some sort of batter. When he noticed Aaron leaning against the door frame, he pouted. "I was going to bring you breakfast in bed. I can't do that if you're here."

"How you can be so good at baking and simultaneously make this much of a mess, I'll never know." Despite Alex's complaint, Aaron only walked forward until he could wrap his arms around the man's waist. "Are you making pancakes?"

"I could be making muffins." Except there was no muffin pan out. "I like pancakes, you like pancakes. It's a win-win."

Not to mention that Alex had a habit of getting antsy before the eggs were done, and as such walking away and accidentally burning them. Alex had two speeds in the kitchen, either he needed to be able to flip something every few minutes, or he needed to be able to put it in the oven, set the time and walk away. And at least with the pancakes, he could walk away for a moment to grab fruit to chop up.

"Would you like me to go back to the bedroom so that you can finish?"

That one earned him a nod, and Aaron kissed his cheek before heading back to the bedroom. At least this gave him a chance to get dressed and ready for the day. Not that he actually knew what they were doing. Neither of them had therapy, to his knowledge Maria was doing her own thing, and Peggy and Herc were still at the beach. Madison didn't have work, not to his knowledge. Maybe they could have some house bonding time? The picnic back in the beginning had been nice.

Once he was done getting dressed, Aaron spread himself out across the bed. Sunk into the mattress and just focused on his breathing. No need to rush the day. No need to try and figure out what was happening. For once? He could just be. Alex was fine. He was about as ahead as he was going to manage.

When Alex appeared in the doorway, it was with Madison in tow. The latter looking amused as he carried a can of whip cream and the bowl of fruit. Once he'd sat them down on the bedside table he went to leave, but Alex caught his wrist, tugging him back even as Aaron pushed himself up to sit. "There's more than enough room and food for all of us."

James raised an eyebrow, glancing down at where his and Alex's skin met. "I thought you'd enjoy some more alone time."

More alone time? What he meant hit about the same time that Alex flushed. "Sorry, I hope I didn't wake you."

Madison shook his head fondly. "At least you're not a screamer."

"I mean, I am." Oh god, was Alex really going to argue about this? "Which means you're just going to have to come up with creative ways-"

Alex bit down on the strawberry that Aaron shoved in his mouth, and Madison snickered as he gave in and sat down on the edge of the bed. Alex swallowed what was in his mouth before smiling brightly at the both of them. "See, Aaron's got the right idea."

"You're horrible, you know that right?" Aaron asked, scooting back further so that Alex would have a space between them.

"Mm, that's why you love me." Alex flopped down on the bed, completely uncaring that it almost sent the plate in Aaron's hands flying.

Or of the effect his words were having on Aaron. Who pointedly stared at his plate and ignored the look Madison was sending him. Alex didn't mean anything by it, Aaron knew that. It was a joke, a toss away to show that it didn't matter how horrible he was. That they cared about him either way.

Still, Aaron would prefer to get to say that he loved Alex, not get told it.

Finally, he pointed his fork in Alex's direction. "Conspiracy Theory. If you're looking for someone to love ya, you better call John."

"We'd have to get a bigger bed then." Alex countered, not in the slightest bothered by Aaron's denial. "And you'd have to sleep between me and Mads because there's no way that Mads is sleeping where he might accidentally touch John. So they'll have to be on the ends."

Sleeping between Madison and Alex didn't sound that terrible. "You've put a lot of thought in this."

"You should hear the sleeping arrangements for when you come around on Lafayette." Madison leaned across them both to snag the whipped cream, dropping a dollop on his plate before putting it back. "Lafayette and Eliza are a joint package apparently. Mutt's got all sorts of interesting ideas about what goes on in John's sex life."

If it weren't for the rising red on Alex's cheeks, Aaron would have written it off as Madison making a joke. If for no other reason than the fact that becoming friends with Lafayette seemed near impossible. Not to mention the idea that Alex would have rambled at Madison about the things he thought John got up to.

Actually, that was entirely believable.

"I didn't say they were a joint package," Alex crossed his arms as he whined. "I just said that there's something a little off about how friendly they are with the nurse. And that if anyone could bend Lafayette over their knee, it was Eliza."

That... That was an image that Aaron really didn't know what to do with. Instead of arguing that there were other ways that they could have become close, ones that didn't involve imagining Angelica's sister in some sort of weird kink relationship with Alex's best friend and his boyfriend- Aaron decided to explore the other question on the table. "Just how many people have you hypothetically considered bringing into our bed?"

"Well," Alex began, "There's always the contingency just in case Hercules decides to admit his love for me. And I mean, you were the one who brought up the idea of me being a unicorn for Angelica and her husband- who's to say that we couldn't both be unicorns. Except you aren't bi. Though you could always tell me what to do- but that isn't the point. Obviously, none of the Schuyler sister's can happen at the same time but I'm not exactly saying no to any of them. Eliza could tell me what to do any day and Peggy's an absolute sweetheart. Maria's too good for me, but you two would be cute together. The lady at the humane society has a husband. Uh, have I left anyone out?"

Madison swallowed the mouthful of pancakes he'd been eating. "I told you that my manager, Dolley, was cute and you asked if she's into threesomes."

"No, I didn't!" Alex pouted, chewing on his bottom lip. "I haven't even seen her. I just said that if you were going to sleep with her that you should ask if she's down for a plus one."

No wonder Madison had felt the need to ask what Alex was actually into. Aaron rubbed at his face, trying to convince himself that it was irritation, not fondness, he was feeling at their breakfast in bed being turned into 'who has Alex thought about in bed.' Which apparently didn't leave out many people at all.

Ready for a change in topic, Aaron reached out to pat Alex's knee. "Not that listening to you talk about everyone you'd like to fuck, or have thought about fucking isn't great breakfast conversation- what would you like to do today?"

It'd been a simple question, but it got a strange response. Alex and Madison sharing a look before Alex shrugged. "Madison and I are going to hang out for a bit and then he's going to drop me off. You two could spend some time together then? Maybe?"

Part of Aaron was tempted to ask where Madison was going to be dropping him off, but Alex was typically more liberal than not with his details. If he'd omitted it? It was entirely intentional and the last thing Aaron wanted was to start an argument. Instead, Aaron turned to James. "I suppose we could."


	58. Jealousy

"I can't believe you told Aaron I've thought about what John and Laf get up to involving Eliza," Alex whined as he looked out the window of the car. "That was supposed to be between us."

"Was it?" Madison's fingers drummed on the wheel. "I'm sure John and Laf would say their sex life is between them too."

Alex shrugged. "All I said is that I can't see Laf bottoming and that doesn't go with what I know of John."

"You also told me that John looks pretty choking on cock." The car came to a stop and Alex bounced in his seat slightly as he waited for James to undo the locks. "You're not actually mad at me for saying something, are you?"

Of course not. Alex rolled his eyes as he got out of the car, linking their fingers together when Madison came to his side. "I mean, I'm sure Aaron would have preferred to not hear Lafayette's name anywhere near his bed- but other than that... nah."

Actually, considering everything, Aaron had reacted better than expected to the comment. There'd been no flash of jealousy, no question about whether or not Alex had actually gone there. He hadn't even seemed that put off when Alex mentioned that he had plans with Mads and then someone else. Just rolled with the idea of hanging out with Madison later.

"I think he'll get over it," James said, bumping Alex's shoulder lightly with his own. "Y'all sounded like you had a nice night anyway."

The second time James had mentioned that. Once was pointing it out. Twice seemed like it might be something else. "Are you upset?"

"Alex, I'm kind of the add-on here. I don't get to be upset that you had sex with your boyfriend." Madison glanced around, trying to make sure that there were no kids nearby. Once he was sure the area was clear, he pulled Alex toward the nearby picnic table. Letting Alex sit on his lap once he'd gotten settled. "What did you have in mind for today, anyway?"

"Like the park." Wanted to have a nice day with James, but first- "You aren't an add-on. And we didn't have sex."

James raised an eyebrow and Alex leaned back against him. "In fact, I haven't had sex in months."

Since the night Madison had punched Jefferson. That didn't seem an appropriate thing to say, though. Felt too much like admitting something. Like bringing up bad blood. And besides, it didn't mean anything that it'd been that long. He and Aaron had gotten serious and he hadn't wanted to sleep with John, not behind Aaron's back. Not as a concession either. And then, well, Aaron was asexual. That was all. 

James' hand idly slipped under his shirt to rub his stomach. Most likely an unconscious gesture, and Alex took a deep breath and decided to allow it. To try and get used to the feeling of bare skin against bare skin again. "What's your definition of sex anyway? I know you're a virgin but like, some people count blowjobs and some people don't. I knew a girl in high school who didn't count anal. What's your line?"

Madison thought about it for a moment. "Uh. I guess anything penetrative? Never really had a reason to think about it before."

"Not sex then." Not by that definition at least. "I typically count anything that both parties come. But Aaron's uh... not interested in reciprocation? We haven't really done much at all, but what we have has been about me.Are you sure you aren't upset?"

A couple hiking appeared at the far end of the trail and Madison leaned his cheek against Alex's shoulder. They waited for the pair to pass before resuming their conversation. "Alex, why would I be upset?"

"Because we tried." Key word there, tried. "And I couldn't... I freaked out on you. I don't want you to think that it's you."

It wasn't. It wasn't James' fault that he was broken. Wasn't James' fault that he couldn't stand the sight of his own chest. Madison pressed a kiss to Alex's neck. "We talked about this already. We're fine. I'm not jealous. You've been with Aaron longer, and look- it's fine. We can try again."

They could. They would. Alex stroked James' arm where it rested around him. The whole point of asking Madison to come to the park had been so that they could have a nice time. Not so that they could focus on Alex's new found sexual dysfunction, or so that Madison could call himself an add-on. Just because he started dating James second didn't mean he wasn't as important.

"Why haven't you dated before?" That probably wasn't the question to ask if he wanted to have a nice day, but he was genuinely curious. "You're really nice. And I know we're short, and maybe that's a turn off for some girls, but plenty of gay guys have a thing for shorter men. You're definitely cute."

James snorted. "Thanks for the vote of confidence there. And I don't know- too many siblings growing up? Didn't really have time for dating someone outside of school. And then... came to college got hooked up with Jefferson and that's all she wrote. Didn't exactly share well."

Didn't share, didn't play well with others. Didn't do a lot of things. "Why'd you sell for him anyway?"

"I needed the money and he asked." Quiet. Madison ran a hand over his hair. "I didn't know how bad he was. You gotta know that."

"Of course I do," Alex reassured him, twisting slightly so that he could look at him. "I don't blame you. Just curious. You're uh, not like most of the other dealers I dealt with."

"Not an utter skeeze ball, you mean." True. Not that most of the drug dealers Alex had dealt with had necessarily been 'bad' guys. But more of them tended towards sketchy and paranoid, or confident and violent. They weren't people like Mads. 

They settled into quiet for a moment and then James spoke up. "You wanna swing? There's one just up the trail a bit."

Alex nodded, allowed the topic change. Happy to walk hand and hand with Madison again. 


	59. Snapchat

A body landed on the bed and Aaron jerked, muttering curses under his breath. "Jesus christ. Give me a heart attack, why don't you?"

Madison hummed, apparently uninterested in sitting up from where he'd thrown himself. "I thought you'd be used to Mutt flopping around."

"Alex crawls into bed, thank you very much." Aaron took a deep breath, held it, and let it go. "What's on the menu for house bonding?"

Most of the time they spent together wasn't planned. Reading or meal time. Maybe they could go get lunch? But Madison only turned to look at him. "You mean you don't want to lay together for an hour and talk about other people's sex lives? Because I swear that's Mutt's favorite topic."

Other than the occasional joke, not really. "Much like with the flopping, he apparently saves that for you."

Whether because he was worried about making Aaron jealous, respecting Aaron's preferences, or some other reason- Aaron wasn't sure. Knowing Alex, it was just as likely that he was excited to have someone that he could talk about sex with again.

"If it makes you feel better-" As if Aaron was feeling bad about any of it. "- I think it's mostly his over active imagination. At least, I hope so. I'm not sure half of the shit he's mentioned is actually possible."

Oh god. He probably did need to have a chat with Alex about toning it down a bit. Especially if the brat was trying to figure out what James was into. "You down for grocery shopping? We should have enough time to do that before you need to pick him up, right?"

Madison rolled to his feet. "Yeah. Doubt he's home for dinner."

Part of Aaron wanted to ask just where James had dropped Alex off, but no. If Alex wanted to tell him, he would. "Want to grab a bite before we shop?"

That was how they found themselves sitting in a Chinese restaurant chatting idly about the upcoming school year. They only had around a month left before it would be upon them. Aaron had already given in to the idea of getting a car of his own before then. Which meant going back home for a weekend most likely, considering his grandfather still held the reigns on his trust. The question was whether Alex would want to go with him, or if he'd stay with James.

Probably the latter, considering Alex had already turned down every offer for a weekend get away. Didn't want to go with him to the beach or back to the mountains or even to go see a show. It would have offended Aaron if he didn't suspect it was another money issue, Alex already doing his best to put that out of his mind. At least he'd stopped talking about possibly getting a job. They just needed to make it through another month, and a semester. And then Alex could at least get his student loans back. 

"You think you'll graduate on time?" 

Aaron blinked, unsure of where that came from. "Probably? I don't see any reason why I wouldn't."

"Read something a while back that said like," Madison waved one hand as he tried to think of the number, "I think it's one in five students graduate in four. I won't, but I declared a double major last semester so that was to be expected."

"What are you even majoring in?" He'd lived with Madison for a year, and beyond the gen ed's that they'd taken together, Aaron didn't have a clue what James had done all year.

In his defense, it wasn't as if they'd been friends until Alex had decided they needed to be friends. "Accounting and business. Mama said it was the smart route to go, and I'm alright with numbers. You still doing the English thing?"

"Mm." Aaron took a moment to chew before swallowing. "Safe route I guess."

Safe. It left his options open for grad school even if it didn't do much about the job market if he didn't pursue his masters. Then again, from the way the talking heads babbled, it didn't seem like there was a safe major for the job market anymore. Aaron rubbed at his eyes, didn't want to think about that right now. Didn't even really want to think about school at all.

"You ready to go?" Madison glanced down at his mostly empty plate before nodding and they gathered their trash before heading back to the car.

Thankfully grocery shopping was easier. In and out, the longest they talked was the collaborative effort of trying to remember what they still had left in the house. And no, it didn't really count as bonding, not without Alex there. Alex who tended to bounce down the aisles and drag them into weird conversations or share random facts he'd heard on some podcast. But Alex was out doing... whatever he was doing.

Not his business, Aaron reminded himself as he finished putting the groceries in the car. Alex was probably just out with John or Lafayette, his mental mantra as he helped take them out of the car and helped stock the kitchen.

"Alex is fine," Aaron muttered to himself as he arranged things in the cabinet. 

Madison made a sound behind him. "Mutt's fine. If you're worried, you can text him, ya know?"

"I don't want him to think I don't trust him." 

Another sound, one that sounded almost like a camera and Aaron turned around to ask what James was doing. Within a few seconds, Madison was shoving his screen toward him. There, in full color, was Alex's face and a small gray bar with the message 'Sour patch kids?' on it. 

"He made me download snapchat when I got my new phone," James explained before withdrawing his phone so that he could type something back. "Download it and you too can look up his nose whenever he wants to send a five word text. It has the added benefit that you now know he's neither a. injured or b. having an orgy- and all I had to do was send him a picture of you and write that we got groceries."


	60. Lemon Bars

Alex stuck his phone back in his pocket before washing his hands again. Probably unnecessary considering the lemon bars were already in the oven and once they came out they'd need to go in the fridge before being cut, but Alex liked to be clean. Especially when the baking wasn't for him. 

A quick glance around the kitchen showed that everything that could be cleaned up had been. No more mixing bowls or spoons left out on the island, no plastic wrap or trash. The only ingredient left out was the confectioner's sugar and he'd already explained that it would need to be dusted on top when everything was through. All in all though, his work was done. The hard part anyway.

Which didn't exactly leave him with much to do. Especially because it seemed like Mads and Aaron were together. It wouldn't do to text one and not the other, and what was he supposed to say to Aaron? Best to leave his phone in his pocket.

Instead, he double checked that the timer was set before wandering out of the kitchen in hopes of finding his host.

"Snooping are we?" Came her voice and Alex spun on heel to grin at her. 

"Looking for you, gorgeous." Okay, maybe Maria had a point about his flirting. "Twenty minutes left in the oven and then it just has to cool. So unless you want me reorganizing your cabinets..."

Alex trailed off with a shrug. Thankfully Angelica let it go, waving for him to follow her into what appeared to be an office. "There's nothing interesting here anyway. John and I have been too busy trying to get everything settled to bother with saucy secrets worth hiding from house guests."

"I could always help you make some." Angelica raised one perfectly done eyebrow at him, and Alex laughed. "Sorry, I'll behave. Have I said thank you yet? You really are doing me a tremendous favor."

"You've only said it half a dozen times and spent the last what, hour? in my kitchen making it up to me." Angelica turned in the chair she'd sat down in, away from the glowing laptop sitting on the desk. "Though, I mean you could always offer to give me a foot massage too."

"I'd hold a spa day for the entire Schuyler sister line if you asked me to." 

Because he would, he really would. Maria might have helped him come up with an idea of what to do for Aaron, but without Angelica he would have been completely helpless. Sex was easy, or at least, it had been. Wearing a pretty outfit or batting his eyelashes, something he could do. But that wouldn't have been something nice for Aaron. Something nice for Aaron required a lot more thought and effort.

So instead he'd gone through the trouble of texting John for Peggy's number, only to find out that apparently it wasn't normal for RA's to text to check in. Which meant he'd had to text Herc, who had explained everything to Peggy who had finally texted him back Angelica's number. Something that Angelica had apparently thought 'precious', patting his cheek when he swore that no, he hadn't gone through Aaron's phone for the thing.

Which probably would have been easier, but never let it be said that Alex took the easy way out. 

Angelica twirled a curl around her finger for a moment before tucking it behind her ear. "Tempting, very tempting. Eliza would probably take you up on that, considering the hours she works."

They chatted briefly about Eliza, and Alex listened intently to the stories he probably wasn't meant to hear. About Eliza trying to adopt baby birds as a child. How even when Eliza had been in high school, they thought she'd even up going into veterinary school. How she hadn't because she didn't consider herself smart enough to be a 'real doctor.' Which was ridiculous, in Alex's opinion, because Eliza was plenty smart. Had never come off as anything less than confident either. Not to Alex.

Though perhaps years of job experience had done that. Alex certainly hoped he would be more put together in a few years than he was now. 

Unfortunately, a buzzer cut off Angelica mid 'Eliza at prom' story, and Alex excused himself. Washed his hands once more before grabbing the oven mitts to pull the pan out of the oven. 

With the oven off, he turned around to where Angelica was watching him from the door frame. "Do you want these in the fridge to cool or to let them sit out?"

"Sitting out is fine." Alex could do that. He tucked the mitts back under the cabinet where he'd gotten them, and almost bumped his head when she spoke again. "Where did you learn all this stuff anyway? It's awfully domestic for a guy your age."

Part of him wanted to make a joke about feminism and breaking the gender barrier, but it hadn't been anything as deep as that. "I'm a bit of a sponge. Didn't get a lot of sleep last semester, seemed like the thing to do."

His story sanitized, the same way Aaron cleaned up how they met. Never mentioning 'up until a few months ago all I thought about was drugs. Honestly, still think about them more than is probably healthy- but when your dealer treats you the way mine did me, it kind of kills the urge to find another one.' Alex smiled at her off hand comment, something about him being a witch to pick it up that fast. 

"Are you going to stay for dinner? I'm sure John wouldn't mind," Angelica offered but Alex shook his head.

As nice as Angelica was, he didn't actually want to meet her husband. Especially before Aaron did, that felt a little off. Besides, he wanted to get home to Aaron and Madison. Maybe get Madison to braid his hair again so that he could show it off to Maria when he went with her in the morning to the shelter. 

"Alright, while you wait for your ride do you want to hear about the time Peggy bit one of my boyfriends?"


	61. Burn Out

On Monday, Madison dropped him off at therapy after breakfast. Aaron had barely gotten settled in his seat before Theo started talking. Asking if there was anything in particular that he wanted to bring up before the session started. When he shrugged, Theo asked if he'd given any more thought to the conversation that they'd had the previous week. 

Aaron glanced off to the side, bit back the urge to ask which one. "Does it matter?"

Theo went to open her mouth and Aaron shook his head, cutting her off. "I mean does the answer matter? Either I have depression or I don't and either way- my life stays the same. Having a diagnosis though? Could hurt me. I don't need future employers or work programs questioning whether or not I can handle myself."

"Legally-"

No legally. Legal protection didn't matter, he was a black man entering an already struggling job market. Employers didn't need an additional reason to not hire him. Not to mention, what would his grandparents say? Mental health issues? They were for people like Alex who had been through something worth crying about. His grandfather would say this was just punishment for not praying enough. And if he was praying regularly? Then it was a trial to go through. To prove himself. It'd been all he could think of while trying to research it yesterday. His uncle's voice saying he'd give him something to cry about. God. Hercules joking about money. Alex's worries about the same thing. God. A strange fabric of intertwining topics that had left him more agitated than not. 

Aaron had fought too hard to have something added to the list that would hold him back. "You and I both know legally they won't say it's because I'm depressed. They'll find a reason. So unless you have a reason that it matters to have that diagnosis, I'd like to move on."

Madison would call it defensive. Madison wouldn't be wrong. Theo only nodded, hands spread to show she meant no harm. "How is everything going with Alex then?"

"He's made up with Gilbert." Maybe.

If that wasn't where Alex had disappeared off to the other day, then nothing had come of it yet. Alex did have plans with John later, though that might or might not run the risk of Lafayette being involved.

Theo tilted her head to the side. "And how does that make you feel?"

"I don't know." Aaron stared at the ceiling, swishing the air around in his mouth as he tried to come up with a more complete answer. "He listened for once. That was nice."

"Listened to what?"

Aaron shrugged. "I shot him a text before hand. I told him if he was going to come back in Alex's life that there were going to be some ground rules."

Not just ones dealing with Alex, either. "And how did it feel to set those boundaries? At first? Before you knew they would be listened to."

Boundaries. Aaron turned the word around in his head. "I guess I felt annoyed that I had to set them? But I wasn't going to let him walk back into Alex's life and completely railroad it again. Nor was I was going to have someone in my house acting like they owned it."

Acting like they owned him. Theo made a small sound of acknowledgment. "And after? You said nice, but do you think you could expand on that?"

"I don't want to say powerful because that's not right. But respected, maybe? I guess it also made me feel safer in a way. There's not much I could have done if he didn't listen, but he chose to. So that was a good sign. Especially for his and Alex's relationship."

Theo wrote something down, and not for the first time, Aaron wished he could see those notes. Didn't quite understand their purpose. "Is there anywhere else in your life that you think more boundaries would be good? Maybe with Alex? Or your housemate?"

In theory, maybe. But for the most part, Madison didn't intrude on his space. And he couldn't think of boundaries that he would need with Alex, especially now that Alex knew sex was off the table. Aaron expected Theo to be pleased when he said that. After all, wasn't it a good sign?

But Theo only tapped her pen against the top of her notepad. "And what about boundaries with yourself when it comes to Alex?"

"I'm not sure I know what that means." At least, he really hoped it didn't mean what it sounded like.

Like she thought he was overstepping. Because hadn't he worked too hard not to do that? Aaron had done his best to consider Alex's emotions at every turn and not do anything potentially harmful. And sure, he'd been the one to set out the ground rules with Lafayette- but it wasn't as if he'd done it behind Alex's back. 

"You spend a lot of time worrying over him." Maybe. But things had gotten easier lately. "And Alex isn't always going to be in a place to set a boundary himself. And that isn't a reflection on him, it's just a statement that there will be times that he will take everything you can give. Especially if you aren't honest with him about how you're feeling."

That one stung a bit. It wasn't an accusation, but had Aaron been honest with Alex? Could Aaron be honest with Alex? It didn't seem worth it most of the time. Aaron dealt with things, that's what he did. He wasn't in the habit of relying on others.

Alex hadn't been in that habit either, in the beginning. Had fought him tooth and nail, equal measures fight and desperation. But Alex had also had the metaphorical version of a gaping hole in his chest, had basically been screaming for someone to notice. Terrified that they would. Alex had needed someone. And Aaron? Aaron had a paper cut. Easy enough to patch up and move on.

"Alex is doing better," Aaron finally said. 

Theo nodded, and he was grateful that she didn't argue with him there. A little less grateful for what she said next. "I hear you. But I think you've been around long enough to know that recovery isn't a straight line. And no matter how good either of you are, no matter how much work you put in- he's going to have another bad spell. And if you aren't careful? You're going to burn yourself out when it happens. Boundaries are what will help you prevent that."


	62. Say It

John had picked him up a little after noon. Originally the plan had been to go to the shelter, but dark clouds had sent them back to Lafayette's instead. No need to get caught in a storm, John had murmured as Alex flashed him a grateful smile. Rain Alex could deal with. But much more than that usually made him anxious, especially out in the open. He'd been surprised when they'd pulled up and Lafayette's car was gone, but John waved it off.

Something about taking care of something for Hercules before he got back. Probably for the best. Alex wanted things to work between them, he really did. But he also was enjoying his and John's alone time again. Alone it felt like they could be themselves again. No need to worry about how John felt about Madison or how Aaron would react to anything. No Lafayette to worry about either. Just like it had been before. 

With nothing better to do, they curled up on the couch and Alex watched as John flicked to Animal Planet. It was comforting to realize that some things never changed. They watched together, quietly for almost two hours before Alex got antsy. 

"Gimme," Alex said as he leaned over to snatch the remote.

As much as he adored John, there was no way that he was going to watch another episode Tanked. My Cat From Hell, maybe. Or a Dog training show- or even a show about wild animals. Any of them would have been better than rich people getting fancy fish tanks. John had no intention of giving up the remote, holding it in one hand off to the side and far away from Alex's reach. Which really, left Alex with no choice but to try and crawl in his lap to get it. 

An act that sent them both crashing to the floor when Alex miscalculated and yanked at John's arm to bring it closer to him. His head thunked against the ground and he gasped, winded by the force that John landed on him.

For one glorious moment, Alex thought he might get his way. The tumble had knocked the remote from John's hand and all he had to do was reach for it. Unfortunately for him, having the remote was only half the battle considering John was still on top of him. The big oaf. "John! Get off."

Instead of trying to steal the remote back, Laurens pushed himself up, using his knees to trap Alex's thighs, leaning over him as he caught Alex's wrists and pinned them to the ground. "Make me."

As if he didn't effectively have Alex stuck. Huffing slightly Alex tried to get his feet planted so that he could at least try and buck his friend off, but Laurens only tightened his knees further, grinning as he leaned over Alex, his curls curtaining both of their faces. "Say you're my pretty girl and I'll let you go."

A year ago and Alex would have said it. Would have rolled his hips or leaned up to try and steal a kiss. Alex chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before deciding no, permission from Aaron didn't mean permission from Madison. And James was insecure enough about their relationship without Alex making out with someone who didn't like him. "John. Please."

"That's not the magic words," John sing-songed.

Familiar. Like they used to. Back when wrestling had still been fun, and Alex was delighted to see John so happy again. Even if it did come at his expense. "Come on, Sweetheart, who do you belong to?"

Alex was so focused on trying to figure out how he could wiggle out, that he didn't even notice the door opening. Not until John's head lifted at the sound of Lafayette's voice. "Oh no, please don't let me interrupt, mon amour."

John grinned. "You want to grab his hands for me? I bet he'd make some pretty sounds if we worked together."

Out of the gutter. Alex needed to get his head out of the gutter. Lafayette seemed to consider the offer, and Alex whined. "I'm your pretty girl, John."

"Damn right you are." Pleased with himself, John laughed before finally rolling off. Extended a hand to help Alex stand up, only to use it to drag Alex back down on the couch with him when he sat down. Which was fine, because at least they weren't on the floor. He snuggled back into John's chest, refusing to rise to the bait when John dangled the remote in front of his face. 

Instead, he turned toward Lafayette. "You owe me a proper movie."

Maybe that was mean. Maybe it wasn't fair to use Lafayette's mistake with the porn before to get his way, but considering John had used his size- Alex needed every advantage he could get. For a moment the room was quiet, the pair waiting to see if Lafayette would play along. Alex smiled brightly when Lafayette shrugged and crossed over to kiss John- plucking the remote in the process. 

After a final nip to John's bottom lip, he pulled away to speak,"Shall I make popcorn for your movie night, ma petite?" 

Alex nodded, and John scoffed as Lafayette headed toward the kitchen. "Wrapped around your little finger. All you have to do is bat your lashes and you get whatever you want."

"Always worked on you too." Alex teased.

John's chin dug into his shoulder. "You know how it is with pretty girls. Just can't resist 'em."

That earned a laugh not only from Alex but from Lafayette as well when he reappeared carrying a bowl of popcorn. "Ah yes, you and your pretty girls. Such a string of them you've had."

"Chasing skirts, it's what I'm known for," John deadpanned. "In fact, let me up. Got some I need to go chase right now."

"Nu uh." Alex gripped his arm. "You're watching movies with us. If I had to put up with Tanked you can sit still for this."

"Speaking of which," Lafayette said, using his free hand to reference them. "Am I allowed to sit, little Alex? Or am I to play butler all night?"

Rather than scootch over so that John could make room for Lafayette on his other side, Alex patted the seat next to him. "Come on, there's enough room for all of us."


	63. Concern

Alex was gone by the time they reached the house. Note left on the kitchen table letting them know that he was leaving with John, didn't know whether or not he'd be back for dinner. Which really, probably only increased the likelihood that Alex was hanging out with Lafayette.

Which he was fine with. Really.

"You and John get along so I'mma assume French Fry is the reason you're about to rip that paper in half," Madison commented, glancing over his shoulder as he put the kettle on the stove. 

"Can you stop with your mind reading technique?" Aaron purposely kept the annoyance out of his voice, letting the paper drop. "Alex is allowed to hang out with who he wants to."

Madison raised an eyebrow and Aaron found himself grateful when the man ducked back into the fridge to get out whatever it was he needed to make his lunch. It was a bit unnerving to be looked at, especially because James didn't seem interested in ending the conversation. "I'm not accusing you of being controlling. I'm asking what the fuck French Fry did that somehow isn't made up for by the fact that he got rid of Jefferson. I know he's obnoxious, but damn."

Jefferson.

That name hadn't been uttered in the house since Madison had first moved in. It wasn't a physical blow, but it winded him all the same. And especially to come from Madison, who had always let him complain. Agreed that Lafayette was a bastard. 

Madison who had done such without knowing what happened between Aaron and John. Much less Lafayette's involvement. God, he probably sounded like an asshole.

"So we're back to pretending that didn't happen?" Madison sounded tired. "Cause honestly, I'm not sure it's healthy."

As if Madison had any right to talk to him about what was healthy. Walked around half the time smelling like an ashtray. "Alex and I are both in therapy, what more do you want?"

"Mutt," Madison emphasized the nickname. "Spends his time in therapy learning coping skills and comes home with weird coloring pages. And I'm not deriding it, he's obviously isn't ready to talk about it. And that's fine. But there's a difference between not talking about it and whatever boiling pit of resentment you're becoming."

The kettle whistled and Madison went to tend to it, pouring a steaming cup of water into a mug before moving over to his weird tea station. "Look. I worry about him, but I also worry about you. You're not an entirely different person when he's around- but you definitely unravel some when he's gone. And I think that there was some sort of bad blood before, or maybe even during the whole shit show. And that you put it away for Alex and then when things went south... It brought it back up. But now they're trying to mend bridges."

And Aaron wasn't ready for it be water under the bridge yet. Even if Lafayette did respect the boundaries he'd put down for Alex. Aaron rolled his eyes when the tea mug was shoved in his direction. "I have a therapist. Don't need you pretending to be one."

"Would you like a selfish reason for my concern?" Aaron blinked at the question, unsure of what that even meant. "I got real used to not feeling like you were nine seconds from putting a hole in the wall. And I miss that."

"At least you don't think I'm going to hit you anymore," Aaron muttered and blew on his tea.

Took a sip while trying to figure out what he was supposed to say. Settled for the truth. "Theo thinks I might have depression. I don't know that it matters. I've never been particularly emotive. And things are going better with Alex and just... Look, I'll try to chill out when he's not here."

Or at least stay out of James' way. He hadn't meant to worry the man. 

Madison slid a sandwich in his direction, before sitting across from him at the table. "How would you feel if Alex said something like that? 'Oh- that thing I'm doing that worries you?' Gonna just not do it in front of you."

"What would you like me to do, James? I can't magically change how I feel." Because he couldn't. If he could make everything he felt go away, he would. If it would make Alex's life easier- Aaron would do whatever it took. 

"I'm not asking you to. I'm just-" Madison stopped, huffed. "I don't know. Offering to be an ear? Trying to let you know that you don't have to do this shit alone. Mutt's easy compared to you. Pet his hair, let him lay on you. Physical presence over actually saying shit. You on the other hand... "

How was Aaron supposed to tell Madison how to help him- when Aaron didn't have a plan himself? Beyond 'deal with it' which apparently wasn't enough. "It really that noticeable?"

"Would I think something was wrong if I just met you? No." Madison checked his phone, a gesture that made Aaron want to mimic it. Had Alex texted him? "But I lived with you for a year. You didn't use to get so agitated. Or worried. And I know, I get it. I get worrying because he's not in your eyesight. But Jefferson? Is gone. You've got to let yourself relax sometimes. Or else you're going end up having a heart attack by 23."

Relax. Funny concept that. Aaron stared at what was left of his sandwich, wondering why he'd eaten it at all. He hadn't been particularly hungry. Still, he wouldn't be happy with Alex skipping meals. 

Madison finished his cup of tea, stood up to put it in the sink. "Just think about it, alright? I'm going to go take a nap."

A nap didn't sound like a half bad idea.


	64. Harem

Alex snagged a red tie from John's console, doing his best to shove his hair into a hasty bun before climbing out. They'd gone to that shelter that morning to play with the cats, had been debating asking Martha if they could take the dogs for a walk when John's phone had buzzed. Lafayette letting him know that Herc was home and that Alex and the gang were invited to dinner if they were interested.

"Honey, we're home," Alex sang out as he walked through the door, ignoring Laurens' snort behind him.

From the couch, Aaron raised an eyebrow. "You're back early."

"Uh huh," Alex said at the same time that John explained, "Y'all've been invited to Hercules'. He and Peggy just got back and they're doing their thing."

Their thing apparently being mini-house parties. Or not so mini, considering the crowd that had been there for the house warming. While excited to see Hercules again, he wasn't exactly looking forward to being around so many people. Especially with how the last one had gone. But what could go wrong hadn't gone wrong already, right? No more nasty surprises. The worst thing he had to look forward to was the flush of too many bodies that he didn't know in a crowded space.

Worth it to see Hercules. Worth it to have everyone together and out of the house.

Plus there was a large chance that Maria would be there and if nothing else he could disappear back into her room again. Hopefully. Or hide in Herc's so long as he wasn't planning to use it for sex, which seemed like a really shitty thing to slip away from his own party to do.

"Where's Mads?"

Aaron gave him a look, then let his eyes flicker in John's direction as if that should be obvious. Unfortunately, Laurens caught on before Alex did. "You assemble your harem, and I'll see you there. Alright?"

When the door shut, Aaron raised an eyebrow before standing. "Harem?"

"I don't think he's pleased that I'm dating James." Alex shrugged. "He has however agreed to be nice to him if you'd tolerate Lafayette. I think it's more of an apocalyptic thing, though."

A concept that was apparently beyond Aaron if the strange look on his face meant anything. Alex waved his hand, "You know? Like... It's not quite an over his dead body thing. But it also doesn't matter that he said he would because the world will obviously end."

Aaron nodded slowly. "Uh huh."

Feeling awkward, Alex glanced down the hall. "I'm going to go see if Mads wants to come?"

The answer was no, though Madison did let him know that the keys were in the kitchen and that they should have a good time.

"You told me once that John doesn't like crowds," Aaron said when they climbed into the car. "Well, James doesn't much like them either.  At least not one he can't disappear in."

John didn't like feeling boxed in. Found large groups of people suffocating. But James had never seemed to express the same sort of anxiety. But Alex nodded, knee bouncing as he watched the scenery pass the window. "Do you think they had a nice time at the beach?"

"I'm sure they had a fine time," Aaron reassured him. "I'd joke about Hercules bringing you back a shell but knowing him he probably did."

Aaron was only slightly off in the end.  Hercules didn't just bring him back a shell, he brought him back a puka shell necklace. Which Aaron had called cheesy even as he helped latch it. Cheesy or not, Alex loved it. Tugged on it slightly as he thanked his RA for thinking of him. 

"I'm just glad you two could make it," Hercules said as he moved them away from the door. "John's in the kitchen judging my taste in beer, and the girls are back in Peggy's room if you want to go see them."

"Angelica as well?" Aaron asked, even as Alex squeezed his hand and moved on.

Despite what Hercules said, John was not in the kitchen and Alex huffed slightly before trying to figure out which room was Peggy's. The first unfamiliar door he opened belonged to Herc- no doubt about it. The clipping. poster on the wall gave it away even if the strewn clothes didn't. Alex didn't know much about Peggy, but he was pretty sure that she didn't wear boxers or men's clothes on a regular basis. The second door that Alex opened led to a bathroom and finally, finally he was able to locate Peggy's through process or elimination.

Peggy and Maria were on the bed, Maria's tongue poking out of her mouth as she focused on painting Peggy's thumbnail a bright sunshine yellow. Eliza somehow managed to still look put together as she balanced on a bean bag chair that she'd pulled up, and she turned slightly to smile at Alex when the door opened.

"Can I join you girls?"

Because really, especially if he couldn't find John- Maria and Eliza were the people he felt safest with. Let Aaron talk to Herc or Ang or anyone else that he knew at the party, they had their time together at home and Aaron deserved a break. Peggy glanced around, before shrugging. "There might be a yoga ball in the closet you can sit on? If not, pull up a piece of carpet."

Alex nodded, feeling slightly awkward as he opened up the door to Peggy's closet. Thankfully the clear ball rolled out quickly and he didn't have to invade her privacy for too long. Once he'd managed to get it next to Eliza he sat on top, pleased to realize that he could bounce on it. 

"So what were you talking about before I came in?" Alex asked.

Maria didn't look up from where she was unscrewing a dark blue bottle of polish. "Peggy was telling us about her trip. Apparently she's turned into quite the little surfer."

Peggy grinned sheepishly. "It just turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected. Ang was always the sporty one growing up."


	65. Jade

Angelica and her husband were planning to come by but hadn't arrived yet and Hercules was playing host. That left Aaron to wander awkwardly, hoping to spot Alex or at the least, someone that he knew well enough to make small talk with. 

What he didn't expect to do was wind up in the backyard drinking beer as John Laurens stared at his face intently before digging back into his backpack. It wasn't the ratty thing that Aaron had seen him carry his books around in, no. In fact, Aaron would put money on it being a gift from Lafayette. Most likely meant for hiking or camping rather than for school use. Textured outside most likely water proof. A good thing too, considering there was a garbage bag filled with ice and bottles in it.

Definitely not it's intended use. "Try this one next."

Aaron stared at the bottle being thrust in his direction. The bottle was darker than the last one, label green with some woman's face on it. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

Part of him wanted to finish the accusation. Didn't actually know what to finish it with, though. After all, there were plenty of fun options there. Did John want to get him drunk and interrogate him about Lafayette? Maybe hope that the alcohol content would warm his feelings toward the Frenchman. Perhaps John thought that Aaron would be down for a fight when his BAC was higher than his reasoning. At least most of him was pretty confident that if John wanted to fight him now, it would probably be a friendly tousle versus John being pissed.

John didn't even bother looking offended, just popped the cap off his own drink. "Hercules doesn't even have the decency to drink Guinness. There's PBR in his fridge, Burr. PBR."

What that had to do with Aaron, he wasn't sure. Out of place earlier he'd stumbled across John outside, had accepted the first offered beer. Usually, he wouldn't drink with Alex around but Alex was elsewhere. Hopefully not with Lafayette, considering John's boyfriend was also suspiciously missing. 

"I wasn't aware you were so passionate about beer."

John shrugged. "Being drunk's nice. Told Laf if he was going to keep hoity-toity wine in the house, the least he could do is let me experiment. Did you know that beer isn't supposed to taste like piss?"

No. But then again, Aaron had never thought much about the taste period. His grandparents were staunchly anti-drinking, and when he'd come to college it hadn't been his biggest concern either. The few times that he'd drank with Angelica and the girls, it'd been hard liquor. 

There was also the issue that while what John handed him did taste a little better than the occasional beer he'd had with Hercules, it wasn't exactly something to write home about either. But Aaron kept that opinion to himself. 

"Where is Gilbert, anyway?" It felt strange saying the name outside of therapy, but maybe Theo had a point about how much feeling he'd stored into the French Fuck. Or maybe Gilbert was ridiculous enough on its own.

If John thought anything off about the name change, he didn't say anything. "Took my keys to go pick something up for Hercules."

Which explained John drinking alone outside. He probably felt more out of place than Aaron did. Though perhaps less so now, considering the pile of bottles that he'd accumulated. From there he jumped back to his previous point, something about how Aaron was drinking an IPA. And what John really wanted was to try a good stout, though that would probably have to wait until he was 21 and could get it from the tap somewhere. Lafayette had apparently offered to take him to France over the summer, mentioning the countries lowered drinking age as a lure. 

Aaron couldn't imagine that had gone over well.

Whatever John was about to say next was cut off when he whistled instead, and Aaron turned his head to follow his gaze only to choke on his beer. Mulligan had finally decided to mozy on outside, which would have been fine on its own. But as Hercules stood talking to some upper classman that Aaron didn't recognize, he had his arms wrapped around two waists. Peggy was the one closest to them, looking nice in a yellow sundress, and there on the other side, in a black skirt and far too tight red blouse-

"That's what I'm talking about!" John called out, and Alex flipped him off even as he wiggled free of Hercules' hold.

Alex swiped John's beer before dropping down in Aaron's lap, one knee over the other. From this close, Aaron could see that the girls had also gotten ahold of his face. At least it'd been done tastefully, a little color to his cheeks, some above his eyes. Long hair braided so that it fell over one shoulder. 

"How'd you snag yourself such a pretty girlfriend?" John teased and Aaron rolled his eyes.

Children. Ridiculous children the both of them. "I'm going to assume Maria's to blame?"

Alex nodded. "I asked her to do my nails when she was done with Peggy's. She said if I was going to do it, I needed to do it right."

Of course she did, and Alex probably hadn't put up the slightest of fights. Probably even encouraged it, knowing him. Not that Aaron minded. Alex could wear a dress every day of his life if that was what made him happy. 

"How are my two favorite boys getting along, anyway?"

Flirtatious. Especially with the way he wiggled his hips and fluttered his eyelashes in John's direction. If Aaron wrapped a possessive arm around his boyfriend's waist, well, who could blame him?

John snickered in response. "Burr thinks I'm trying to get him drunk so that I can take advantage of him."

Aaron opened his mouth to argue that no, that hadn't even crossed his mind. While there were plenty of things that Aaron would accuse Laurens of, trying to get in his pants was not one of them. He was cut off when Alex leaned back against his chest to press a kiss to his jaw line.

"I'm sure you'd be real pretty together." Alex nosed at his ear and Aaron tightened his grip. "But he's mine. You'll have to get your own."


	66. Impressions

Dinner had gone surprisingly well. Even once Laf had arrived, he kept a polite distance for the most part. Though Alex wasn't sure if he was respecting Alex's space or Aaron's. Either way, he was happy with the peace. Angelica and her husband had stopped by briefly, and Alex had gotten off Aaron so that his boyfriend could talk to her. After dinner, the crowd had thinned down, and slowly what was left drifted back inside. 

Before she left with Eliza, Maria stopped to give Alex a hug and tell him that he could give her back the clothes when they saw each other next week. With those two gone and Aaron chatting with Angelica, Alex curled up on the couch. John and Lafayette followed soon after. Alex wanted to tease John about how trashed he was, having to lean on Lafayette to walk. But it was adorable watching the pair, John nuzzling Laf's chest as he declared that it time for a nap. 

"And then there were two," Lafayette said as he stroked John's hair. "How has our week been?"

Alex fiddled with his braid. "Okay, I guess."

He'd made the mistake of mentioning the shower thing to Franklin. It'd been meant as a positive- okay, maybe he wasn't ready for sex, but that had been nice. And he and Madison had talked things out again, agreed to slow things down and try things a little differently. But Franklin had zeroed in on Alex's discomfort with the shower again. Had applauded Aaron's idea about keeping his shirt on. 

His homework for the week was to spend time in the shower every day. The shower didn't have to be on, and he could do whatever he liked- but to get used to being in the physical space again. And as much as Alex had enjoyed Aaron's efforts that night, it seemed wrong to try and rope him into doing it every day. So far he'd taken a nap in the tub (a terrible idea that had confused Madison and Aaron both, as well as left him with a sore neck), colored mandalas in there (which had gone better, though he still wasn't sure what it had to do with getting him comfortable showering), and one stressful attempt at actually hanging out in there shirtless.

That one had lasted less than ten minutes that morning, and he'd been extremely grateful when his phone buzzed with John's offer to go and play with the animals.

Alex was just about to ask how Lafayette's week had been when Aaron joined them, dragging a metal folding chair close enough that he could put his socked feet in Alex's lap. Casual. Possessive. "Ang already leave?"

"Mm." Aaron nodded, letting out a sigh of pleasure when Alex dug his thumbs into the ball of one foot. "I hope you didn't get too bored without me."

Making a Daddy joke in front of Laf was almost definitely a bad idea, but he was so tempted. Instead, he settled for batting his eyelashes. "Lil 'ole me? Bored? Why I never."

A mumbled 'fuck off' came from Lafayette's chest, and Alex grinned. He hadn't been trying to make fun of John's accent, but considering John had been teasing Aaron earlier... "What is it, sugar plum?"

Another mumbled phrase, though Alex couldn't make it out. "Sorry sweetie, you're gonna have to speak up. I can't hear a thing you're saying."

John pushed himself to sit up, arms crossed and looking positively grumpy. "Go on. Do it again."

And really, when challenged, did John really think he was going to back down? "Heavens to Betsy-"

Alex's comment about John sounding a bit aggressive was cut off by a breathy 'Aaron' and Alex shut his mouth with a click. Because no, that wasn't fair. He hadn't even been making fun of John, just using an exaggerated accent and that-

"Please, oh god, please-" John tilted his head back, whining as he did. "Pull my hair, Aaron."

Alex dared a glance in Aaron's direction, who had both eyebrows raised, one hand covering his mouth as he tried not to laugh. Which wasn't nice. Aaron was supposed to be horrified or annoyed, not amused. 

"Fuck me. Oh god, harder, please, hard-" Thankfully Lafayette was on his side, one hand clamping down over John's mouth.

Which John licked, if Laf's facial expression meant anything. "Mon amour, I do not think we're being very nice right now."

"You'd like it if I was nice, wouldn't you." Laurens twisted so that he was facing Lafayette instead, nosing his neck slightly. "Am I misbehaving, Laf? Are you going to punish me?"

And fuck, he was still imitating Alex's pitchy whine. Asshole.

In front of them, Aaron tensed as Hercules' hand came down on the back of the chair- one of his rings causing a loud noise as it hit the metal there. Enough so that John froze, and Alex sent Herc a pleading look. Maybe he could make everyone behave.

"I really, really don't want to know," Hercules said. "But this is for you, Gil."

Lafayette caught the phone that was tossed to him, groaning when he saw the number on the screen. As carefully as he could, he pushed John over onto Alex before standing so that he could step away. "Maman-"

Alex blinked, following the upper classman with his eyes even as he adjusted to accommodate John who was laughing into his shoulder. "Why did Laf's mom call you? To reach him?"

Hercules shrugged. "Maybe if Gil answered his phone every now and then she wouldn't. Better question- exactly how trashed is Laurens right now? Do I need to be concerned?"

"Drunk enough that he had no issue switching to your stuff when he ran out," Aaron answered. "I don't know when Gilbert's planning on leaving, but you mind if I put this one to bed in your room until then?"

Responsible Aaron. Hercules gave his consent and Aaron stretched as he stood up before leaning down to try and pull John up. Who came up with another breathy moan of Aaron's name and oh god, Alex was going to kill him. That's all there was to it. What did the bastard do? Sit around and perfect his 'Alex during sex' impression when he was bored?

"If I didn't think Gil would be pissed, I'd make a joke about you having finally found a willing threesome partner." Herc grinned and Alex tipped his head back, trying to will his blush back down.

"Where's Peggy?" Because focusing on that was easier. Anything to move the conversation along.

"She left with Eliza, I think?" Hercules didn't sound that concerned about his disappearing housemate, and he yawned slightly as he took Aaron's place on the metal chair. "Speaking of which, You and Maria seem pretty cozy lately."

Self-conscious, Alex tugged at his skirt. "She's nice. Plus, she gives me all the good dirt on you."

That made Herc scoff. "Dirt on me? Hate to break it to ya baby boy, but I'm spotless."

"Squeaky clean," Alex teased. "You owe me a stuffed animal, though. I can't believe you sew and never told me."

"Mulligan sews?" Aaron's voice came sooner than expected. With John and Lafayette both gone, he took a seat next to Alex, pulling him into his chest.

Hercules gave a good-natured roll of his eyes. "For the Sons of Liberty, yeah."

Except-"I thought they were the biker gang?"

"Biker-" Hercules cut himself off, and Alex watched as he took a deep breath before continuing, "Alex. What do you know about that?"

Oh. Alex shifted to look up at Aaron, hoping for some sort of clue as to what he was supposed to say next. 

Unfortunately, Herc took it as Alex saying that Aaron had told him. Which he had, but that wasn't the point. "Aaron Burr, really? I would have thought you were above schoolyard gossip."

"So it's not true?" Alex shifted in his seat, trying to figure out how to apologize- even if it was. 

Hadn't Lafayette told him that Herc's past was off limits? But then Herc had thrown out the name so casually. Thankfully Herc didn't look so much pissed as disappointed. He rubbed at his face slightly before giving half a shrug. "Yeah, they're a biker gang. But not like what you're thinking, and I don't know what Mr. False Impressions over there told you- but it probably wasn't good. I had to do community service a few years back, and that's when I got hooked up with Cato. They do a lot of work with kids who are fleeing bad situations."

"I thought-" Hercules waved his hand to shut Aaron's comment off. 

"I know what you probably heard, Burr," Hercules conceded. "I just thought you were better than that. People got pissed that I got off so lightly and the truth got warped. Don't think I don't know what my reputation is."

"Very scary," Lafayette said as he rejoined them, dropping Hercules' phone in his lap. "He is one of those bully dogs, no? So scary you just want to pet him."

That was accentuated with a series of pats to Herc's head that made him roll his eyes again. Before he could say anything else, Lafayette frowned. "Where is my Laurens? What have you done with him?"

"He's in my room," Hercules grumbled as he stood up. "Trashed. Why did you let him drink that much anyway?"

The pair disappeared back toward the hallway and Alex looked up at Aaron who only shrugged. "I'll apologize again later. You ready to hit the road, or are you looking forward to round two of whatever is going to come out of John's mouth?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bully dogs- as in pit bulls/bulldogs. My mom has a pit bull named cocoa that is absolutely gorgeous (he has a blue eye and a brown eye and it's aaaaaa) and she'll coo at him 'that's my little bully' and I don't know ??? if it's a her thing???? or if other pit owners do it. dunno my friends, dunno.


	67. Vulnerability

Saturday afternoon saw Aaron in the living room, mindlessly watching some sort of cooking show. He would have preferred to do something else, but James had teased him about his books that morning, claiming that nobody needed to be that far ahead and Alex was too antsy to do anything. Seemed uninterested in Aaron's company as he bounced around the house on some sort of mission. So long as he was eating, Aaron told himself he didn't mind. That it was okay. Theo had been right, they were going to go through moods- and if Alex needed a bit of space that was allowed.

"Hey, you don't have anything planned for tonight- right?"

Aaron looked up, blinked at the sight of Alex wearing a dress for the second time in only a handful of days. When he finally processed the question that was asked, he shook his head. "What's up, Princess?"

Because Princess was definitely the word. Alex's hair was mostly down, though the hair that framed his face had been braided and was being used to pull the rest back slightly. A look that Madison probably played a hand in. Today's dress was green with thin straps and went down to Alex's knees, a much better fit than the previous one. Perhaps from one of the sisters? 

A lingering gaze let him in on the fact that yes, it wasn't just his face that Alex had shaved that morning. "I just wanted to make sure you're free."

Alex's arms looped around his shoulders and Aaron let himself lean into the kiss, trying not to be suspicious. An attempt that failed when Alex pulled back and tugged the scarf that'd been around his neck off. "Can I blindfold you?"

"And if I say no?" Not that he was planning on it, but there was a difference between Aaron enjoying blindfolding Alex- and enjoying being blindfolded himself.

Especially when he didn't know what was to come. Which was probably the point. 

Alex nibbled his lip. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want. But it'll be better with the blindfold."

Precious. Absolutely precious. Aaron reached up to lightly run his thumb across Alex's bottom lip, trying to get him to stop worrying it. "Do we need a word?"

Confused, Alex tilted his head before realizing what Aaron meant. "Maybe? Do you want to stick with Virginia or do you want to pick one ?"

The fact that it hadn't occurred to Alex meant it was unlikely to come up. "Virginia works. Now, why don't you go and get the actual blindfold out of the bedroom instead of ruining your outfit."

Alex lit up and went to do just that. When he came back it was with the scarf back around his neck and blindfold in hand and Aaron sat still as Alex tied it in place. Focused on keeping his breathing even as Alex stroked his cheek, letting that first moment of darkness drag on. After what felt like minutes, but likely was only seconds, Alex took him by the hand.

Which was fine, he'd led Alex elsewhere before. Except Alex didn't lead him to the bedroom or the bathroom, and Aaron froze when Alex opened up the front door. Alex tugged on his hand to move him forward, and when Aaron still didn't take a step, he stopped as well. "It's okay. We're just going to the car, okay?"

Except Alex didn't drive. "Alex?"

"Come on, remember blindfolding me for the candy shop?" Okay, so it was that kind of surprise. "Mads is going to take us. Do you want me to take the blindfold off?"

The idea of Madison seeing him blindfolded was a bit strange, but he wanted to show Alex that he could give the same amount of trust as Alex gave him. So he shook his head and reminded Alex that he had a word if things got too overwhelming. Alex squeezed his hand in response, before carefully guiding him to the back of the car. Slid in right after and let Madison know that they were ready to go.

To Aaron's surprise, James didn't say a single thing about them being weird, even when Alex rested his head against Aaron's chest. Blindly he'd stroked Alex's hair, trying not to find it amusing. Alex, so anxious even though he was the one who could see. Even though he was the one with the plan.

Though, perhaps, Aaron could understand that. The nervous energy that came with not knowing how the other person would react. If they would really enjoy it or if they'd freak out. The desire to make the other person happy.

Vulnerability. It was a funny thing.

Finally, the car came to a stop and Aaron expected that to be it. For Alex to remove the blindfold so that he could see where they were going. Instead, Alex scrambled out of the car before pulling him out as well. Hesitantly Aaron let his feet touch the ground, unsure of how he felt about walking this far without his sight. A firm arm wrapped around his waist, even though Alex hadn't let go of his hand.

Okay. James was going to help guide him too. How long had they been planning this? Alex let go of his hand briefly in order to open a door. When he returned he guided Aaron forward just a few more steps. "Okay, you might want to close your eyes? It's probably a bit bright in here."

Madison shut the door behind him even as Alex undid the blindfold, and the question of where they were was answered when Aaron finally opened his eyes.

Angelica's amused expression greeted him, even as she leaned backward against her husband. Martha Manning, a spitfire senior that he'd volunteered with two years before opened her arms before swamping him in a hug. And she wasn't the only one either- Sarah was there and Natasha. Over their shoulders, he could see Dr. Washington, who had led the women's center before she retired. A stern but kind older woman who had never given him flack for being the only male volunteer, had always been willing to talk things out with him when he was confused or had concerns.

It wasn't everyone, of course. People had graduated, moved away. And outside of the women's center crew, he could hear Hercules in the background, see the back of John's head even as they weaved in and out of rooms.

When the girls finally stepped back to let Aaron breathe, he turned to Alex. "How? I just?"

"I wanted to do something nice?" Alex said, shifting slightly. "And I didn't know what to do so I talked to Maria. And Maria told me to talk to Angela. Did I do good?"

Had talked to Angela. Had obviously talked to Madison and half a dozen other people as well. Aaron nodded, pulling him in for a hug. "It's great. And how did you even find Dr. Washington? I didn't know she was still around here?"

Alex beamed at that. "I told you the lady at the animal shelter had a husband. I just didn't tell you that it was my RD last year."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also fun fact- that thing about Hercules will a. hopefully come back  
> b. was supposed to be in Non-Stop itself but ????? we have talked about the way I plot before right.  
> and how basically everything is floating points of 'could happen' that get juggled constantly.
> 
> if you were under the impression that I have A Solid Plan my friends... I am so glad to have you fooled.


	68. Chapter 68

For what was probably the fifth time that afternoon, Alex turned to James. "Do you think he's having a nice time?"

Madison nodded and Alex bounced on his toes for a moment before disappearing back into the fridge. A large mason jar filled with simple syrup waited for him there and he pulled it out and walked over to the chopping block. Madison rolled his eyes even as he passed him a fair handful of oranges and Alex chewed on his bottom lip as he cut them in half, followed by the lemons that James rolled in his direction.

"Are you sure? What if he hates it?" Alex said as he pushed the first orange half into the juicer.

He didn't have to make the juice by hand of course, but ever since he'd noticed the hand-press in Angelica's kitchen he'd wanted to and she was more than willing to oblige. Plus, it gave him something to do rather than follow Aaron around like a puppy dog. The last time he'd seen his boyfriend he'd been sitting on the stairs chatting with Martha.

"Alex," Two hands framed his hips. "If you don't chill the fuck out, I'm going to ask Angelica if I can fuck you in her guest room."

To Alex's right, Madison choked on the soda he'd been drinking. And really, that hadn't been nice. "John, please."

"I'm just saying," John continued, and why had he invited John knowing Lafayette couldn't come? Why had he subjected himself to this? "Though if Maddy over here wants to step up and do it instead, he can be my guest."

One pressed out peel to drop into the trashcan. Alex grabbed the next half and played with the crank. "I doubt that Lafayette is into sharing. And I don't want to have sex right now."

Especially not in Angelica's house. Especially not when he was trying to make sure Aaron had a nice time. Alex knew he was being slightly obnoxious asking for reassurance so regularly, but he just wanted to make sure he'd done the right thing. And it wasn't his fault that he had so much energy at the moment. He hadn't been able to slow down since that morning.

John scoffed. "You're wearing a dress and you're telling me that you aren't angling for some kinky shit to happen tonight?"

"Stop molesting Alex." Hercules. His savior. His beautiful savior. "He's wearing a dress because he's Alex and wanted to feel pretty."

Another discarded orange carcass for the bin. Alex hip checked John out of the way, pleased that he went easily instead of taking it as an excuse to pin him. Even more pleased when Madison offered him the empty punch bowl he'd been looking for.

"Have you seen Angelica?" Alex asked Hercules. "I wanted to thank her again."

"Angelica's hanging out with her friends. You do understand that all you did was give her an excuse to see them again, right?"

True. That was part of the reason why the three of them had been hiding out in the kitchen to begin with. Even Hercules knew a few other people at the party. John and Madison had both come more as moral support, and to help out if there was anything that needed to be done. Of course, John's definition of support was clearly tainted by how bored he was. Maybe when the juice was done Martha would be free again and John would be able to go and talk to her about the cats.

"Since you're feeling so handsy, do you want to do the lemons?"

John rolled his eyes but took his place anyway and Alex propped himself up on the kitchen island. "Are you having a nice time, Herc?"

"We're all having a nice time, Alex," Hercules reassured, looking far too amused with himself. "Why don't you go find Aaron and see what he's up to? I'm pretty sure meeting your boyfriend's friends is kind of party of the relationship package."

Alright. He could do that. And pray that Madison and John didn't get into an argument in the meantime. Maybe Hercules would be able to get them out of the kitchen?

Aaron had made his way to the living room, talking to a girl with a shaved head. Alex tugged at his scarf, self-conscious about his outfit as he approached. It was one thing at Hercules, one thing when he had the fall back of 'Maria wanted me to'. After John's comment, Alex wasn't sure that it was such a good idea here. He didn't want Aaron's friends to think things like that.

But Aaron just turned to him and smiled, patting the seat on the couch next to him. Wrapped an arm around his waist once he did sit down. "Alex, this is Marty. Marty, this is my boyfriend Alex."

"'Sup little man," Alex grinned at the boisterous greeting, shaking her hand.

Marty was nice, voice heavy with a southern twang that would put John's to shame, and a sense of humor that Alex found familiar. Especially when he caught her eyes wandering to check out either Hercules' or Peggy's ass as they walked past. When she realized he'd noticed, she waggled her eyebrows and fanned her face. Which earned her an eyeroll from Aaron.

And wasn't that interesting? To realize that while Alex might have been the only man to call him Daddy, Alex definitely wasn't his experience with perverse humor. No matter how much Aaron wanted to pretend otherwise.

"You two don't mind if I borrow Aaron for a second, do you?" Angelica asked, a hand on Alex's shoulder.

He breathed in deep, uncomfortable with the fact that he hadn't noticed her approaching before nodding. Of course it was fine. Aaron squeezed his waist briefly before standing up, giving Marty a small wave. The two of them watched as he and Angelica disappeared back out of the room.

When they were gone, Marty turned back to him and grinned. "I always pegged Aaron as one of us. Doesn't take a rainbow pin for us gays to recognize one another, ya know? But I didn't think he'd go for a drag queen. Not that you aren't a pretty one."

Alex didn't know much about drag queens, but he didn't think they typically walked around in their personas outside of shows. Either way, he shrugged slightly. "When Angelica found out she said she thought he was straight."

Safe. Move the topic back away from him.

Marty considered that for a moment before snapping her fingers in exclamation. "Aaron can be the campus' version of the Kristen Stewart test. Straight people will say he's straight, gay people will say he's gay, if they're bi- he's bi. It'll be great."


	69. Memories

Laurens would make fun of him if he cried. Not to mention Marty, Hercules, and probably Angelica as well. 

But Aaron wasn't so sure that it was off the table, sitting on the couch with Madison and Alex on each side. Angelica perched on her coffee table as he thumbed through the scrapbook that they'd gifted him. 

Most of the images were from his freshman year and he listened as Angelica occasionally piped in with what was going on in the picture. Aaron and Angelica arguing in the women's center, over who knew what. There'd been a fair amount of that in the early days. Aaron trying to be 'rational' and fair and Angelica, not to mention a few of the others, had put him down fairly quickly on that point. Somewhere in the mix, the fights had stopped being quite as aggressive and more bantery as they grew to knew each other. As Angelica started to trust him. As he learned to tell the difference between venting and wanting an educated argument.

There was a picture of Angelica screaming, the back of Aaron's head in the picture as everyone linked arms in a circle. Even without Angelica's loopy explanation next to it, he recognized what it was even if he didn't remember the particular date. Dr. Washington called it an affirmation circle and they'd done it whenever finals came around, a large project was under foot, and sometimes- even just if someone came in having a bad day. Each person had their chance to air the grievances and receive an enthusiastic agreement from the group. At least, that had been the more academic explanation for why they spent time screaming 'Fuck' outside.

Aaron hiding his face as Marty help up something. Angelica explained that it was a zine they used to have on campus, it's cover was Marty's photo-copied breasts. Marty even offered to dig up an old copy if Alex was interested in seeing the real deal. 

A stressed out Aaron sleeping in the center, probably during finals first semester. He'd seen that one before, it'd been on the Angelica's facebook with a caption about misandry for a week. Two of the girls presenting him with the shirt he'd 'earned' for having volunteered 25 hours. The group shot of them by the campfire, and that one? was the one that almost pushed him over the edge. Even though it was hard to see him in it, Angelica telling Alex about the retreat brought back memories. How Angelica had all but resorted to blackmail to try and convince him to go at the beginning of spring semester. 

The part she left out was how it'd rained most of the weekend, ruining most of the plans they'd had. Dr. Washington doing her best to improvise and keep control of the girls, who had decided to embrace the 'bonding' part of the trip. Of course, their definition of bonding had involved tequila, vodka, and teasing Aaron.

But there were pictures in there he didn't expect either. Alex and Aaron laying out on the greenery- Hercules must have taken it the day that they played ball. At the time, the point had probably been Alex, but it was touching none the less. The picture Madison had snapped Alex of Aaron putting up groceries- along with Alex's responding shot and James' tight handwriting 'Aren't y'all cute?'. 

"Angelica let me pick out the colors, but she wouldn't let me do the designing," Alex informed him, poking at one of the puffy letters. 

"Probably for the best," John said as he leaned over, seemingly ignorant to how precariously he was perched on the arm of the couch as he rubbed Aaron's head. "You really, really don't want to be exposed to Alex's handwriting."

Alex rolled his eyes, nudging John's thigh and forcing him to remove his hand from Aaron so that he could better balance himself. "Maria said that memories are the best way to show someone that you care about them. But uh, I didn't want it to just be our memories? Because I'm not the only one who cares about you."

Aaron had never particularly considered himself the sentimental type. His facebook consisted of mostly professional headshots, and it'd never crossed his mind to take a picture with Alex. Maybe that was something that they should fix. If Alex was going to go through all this trouble, he deserved a scrapbook of his own. Or at the very least, pictures he could look back on to remember their good times. 

Doing his best to ignore the fact that not only Laurens but also Angelica and the rest of the gang were right there, he pulled Alex in for a kiss. "Thank you. I don't know the words to tell you how much this means to me."

It wasn't his birthday. To his knowledge, he hadn't done anything spectacular recently to deserve such a gesture. Alex grinned and kissed his nose in response. Aaron hid his face in Alex's neck at Laurens' over done 'aw'. 

"Come on," Angelica said as she stood up, "Let's give the couple a moment to themselves."

Madison squeezed his thigh before getting up, and Aaron made a noise but refused to look up until he was sure that they'd all left the room. Alex rubbed his back and left a small kiss on the side of his head. "I bet this isn't what you expected when I asked if I could blindfold you."

No. No, it hadn't been. "I wasn't sure what to expect."

"I'm glad you trusted me." Quiet. As if he hadn't been sure that Aaron would actually go along with it.

Aaron was glad he trusted him too. Alex's cheek rubbed against the top of his head. "Angelica also got you another present- you'll have to ask her where it is. She said something about community care?"

Oh god. Knowing Angelica it was a gift card to a spa date or a basket filled with adult coloring books. She'd probably been delighted with the chance to expose him to them. Give him a little extra nudge at getting out of his comfort zone. Especially knowing that Alex would try and make him actually use them. 

"I'll ask her later. I suppose we should rejoin the crowd before the question what we've been up to in here." Aaron gave Alex one final squeeze before pulling him to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you- but /my/ favorite part of volunteering in the women's center was the part where we all gathered together and told something to fuck off- and then everyone else in the circle would go 'FUCK (OFF) _________'


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. And then smut happened. For the most part you can skip over this chapter without missing any Key Factors other than uh  
> a nice bonding moment between the boys. 
> 
> It's more... navigating sex around trauma than it is sexy, but... I figured that's what Alex needed.

They were making their goodbyes when three things happened. 

One. John hugged him just a little too long, hands gripping Alex's ass as John wished them all a good night. Which was only to be expected really, considering his comments earlier that night. What was surprising was that when John winked at Aaron, Aaron winked back.

At least John looked just as shocked about that as Alex felt.

Two. Aaron walked with him to the car, hand in hand. And then? He told Alex to stay and climbed into the driver's seat of Madison's car. 

Three. James came up behind him and nuzzled the space beneath his ear which was a lot more forward than Mads had been so far. 

"We'd like to blindfold you when you get back in the car," James said, peppering kisses along his neck and Alex found himself extremely grateful they'd been among the last to leave.

Also extremely curious about the 'we' of that. Tentatively Alex nodded, climbing into the back seat when James opened the door for them. From the front, Aaron turned around to give him a small smile. "I asked James if he was interested in helping me say thank you. What's the word if you need anything to stop?"

"Virginia." How much had they talked? Alex tried to think of a time when Madison and Aaron had been alone, but couldn't recall. Maybe it'd been when John had dragged him into a conversation with Marty about the zine she'd worked on? 

Either way, he wasn't going to complain. Especially with Madison tying the blindfold on him, gentle but sure. Aaron turned back around and Alex gripped James' arm as the car backed out of the driveway. Thankfully James didn't do more than hold him in the car, gently undoing the braid they'd worked so hard on that morning so that he could comb out the tangles with his fingers. 

When the car finally came to a stop, he let James guide him out of the car and into the house, listening closely for the sound of Aaron's footsteps. Once in the living room, two bodies pressed against him. Madison's slightly shorter frame to his front, Aaron's slightly taller one behind. Considering the darkness, it was comforting to realize that he could tell them apart so easily. 

Aaron rested his chin on Alex's shoulder. "Do you want to go to the bedroom? Or stay in the living room?"

Choices. He still had some power, no matter how much he handed over to Aaron. "Bedroom, please."

"Good boy," Aaron cooed before stepping away so that James could lead him down the hallway toward their room.

Once there, Alex stood still when Mads stopped pulling him forward, seemingly waiting for something. To the side, there was the sound of something, most likely someone, sitting down on the bed. Aaron. That was Aaron because James hadn't let go of his hands. 

Aaron who promptly spoke up. "Remember that tonight is for you, but we need to know what you want to do."

Except that was a hard question to answer when he didn't even know what might be on the menu. Before the other night, Alex wouldn't have guessed that Aaron would be willing to give him a handjob. Knew Aaron wasn't a plan of being involved in sexual things. His bottom lip stung as he drug it through his teeth. 

"Can you hold me or hold me down?" Because maybe that would make things go easier, lower his chance of freaking out. "And tell Mads what to do?"

Because he trusted Aaron. Not that he didn't trust James, but Aaron had already proven he knew how to navigate Alex's issues with sex. Was always so attentive, and having an outside observer, someone who wouldn't be caught up in their own pleasure...

"Can James take off your underwear, Princess?" Aaron's voice cut into his thinking and Alex nodded.

Exhaled slowly when Madison pushed his skirt up, tucking the fabric into the belt at his waist. Focused on the feeling of his hands as Madison pulled the boxers he'd been wearing down, trying to not feel silly about having worn them under his dress. Definitely not thinking about the scar on his hip. James' stroked his thigh for a moment and then moved away and Alex swallowed as he waited for what Aaron would say next.

Instead of saying anything, Aaron stood up, and Alex allowed himself to be walked backward, his boyfriend's hands on his waist. Eventually, they reached the bed and Aaron gently pressed him down, nudging him until he swung his legs up. Fingers trailed down his chest and Alex held his breath. "Held down or held? Which would you prefer?"

Both? That probably wasn't practical. "You could hold me from behind?"

"Sit up then," Aaron climbed in behind him, and Alex relaxed back into the hold. "James, why don't you come join us? You can fit right between Alex's legs."

The bed sagged under Madison's weight as he crawled between Alex's legs, and Alex resisted the urge to say something when Aaron took his hand and put it in Madison's hair. "Let's start with his thighs."

Madison's head beneath his hand dipped, and Alex let his head fall back against Aaron's shoulder. The first touches were hesitant, open mouth brushes closer to the knee that grew more confident as they went. Especially once Alex spread his legs a little further, encouraging the contact. Playing with the soft hair beneath his fingers, moaning when pushing down on Madison's head earned his a gentle bite. At Aaron's urging, Mads switched sides- tonguing along the sensitive skin where hip met thigh and okay, that was nice.

Really nice. And fuck, Aaron was murmuring in his ear. Telling him what a good boy he was, how much Aaron appreciated everything Alex did today. How this was his reward for being so thoughtful. 

Not being able to see only heightened the sensation, and Alex let out a string of curses when Madison finally moved on to take Alex's cock in his mouth for the first time. Aaron shushed him teasingly, one hand tracing soothing patterns along Alex's stomach as he did. 

Between his legs, James shifted so that he could roll Alex's balls in one hand, apparently enjoying the way it made Alex whimper. Alternated between sucking him and running his tongue along the shaft and head. Curious little flicks and long swipes keeping him on edge as Madison apparently figured out his groove. 

"Go ahead," Aaron urged Madison. "Suck him down as far as you can take him. Make him come. Let Alex know what a good boy he's been. "

The only warning that Alex had that it was going to happen, was a warm tongue laving at the junction of his neck and then oh- oh. Teeth and sweet suction and Madison held his hips down when he attempted to arch up into it, help him and sucked until it was over. Carefully untucked Alex's dress, allowing the fabric to flutter around his thighs even as James crawled up his body to drop a kiss on his opened mouth.

By the time either of the bothered to undo the blindfold, Alex was curled against Madison's chest under the covers, Aaron spooning from the back.

Over all, it was a lovely way to end the night.


	71. Cool with it

Morning saw Madison stumbling into the kitchen where Aaron sat, and Aaron paused mid bite of yogurt to watch him go through the fridge.

Part of him expected it to be awkward, but he was pleasantly surprised when no flush of embarrassment embraced him. Not even when James took the seat across from him, kettle boiling in the background while he ate his cereal. While not a virgin by any means, he definitely didn't have a frame of reference for how things should go the morning after asking his housemate to blow their mutual boyfriend while he held him. Aaron didn't think there were books on that topic, either. They were just going to have to figure this one out on their own.

Still, he should probably say something. "Thank you."

Madison snorted. "Never pictured my first time almost being a threesome, but it works."

First time? Shit. Had Aaron known that? "I didn't realize--" Aaron trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence.

Had he realized it he probably would have been more focused on making it equal. Or dropped the idea entirely. It'd been a rushed plan, something he'd come up with and pitched on the spot, still riding the slight buzz of the day. He'd just wanted to give Alex something different and Madison had been right there. And it wasn't as if James had said anything when he mentioned it, just nodded and said he was cool with it.

But Madison shook his head, dismissing Aaron's concern. "Don't worry about it. I'm not sure being told what to do is a thing for me? But it was nice not stressing out about what to do next."

Any further discussion of the topic was cut off by the subject walking through the door, blanket tossed over his shoulder and rubbing his eyes. "Why are both of you up?"

Petulant. Completely and utterly petulant. Complete with grumpy pout. James chuckled and Aaron scootched back his chair so that Alex could sit on his lap. "Some of us prefer to wake up before noon."

Sometimes. Aaron hadn't exactly been great about waking up before ten lately himself. Thankfully neither of them commented on that fact, Alex too busy maneuvering so that he could bury his face in Aaron's throat. Clearly tired. Which made sense after the way he'd been bouncing around the day before. Poor thing had probably been a mix of anxious and excited all day. "Why don't you go lay back down? I don't think you're working with Maria today."

Alex shook his head. "John mentioned maybe coming over if you two were cool with it."

Aka if Madison was alright with it. What sort of conversation had gone on between Alex and John that wound up with both Madison and John at Aaron's party- Aaron didn't know. He'd been impressed, though. The pair hadn't spoken, at least not where Aaron could see, but there was more than one moment that Aaron had at least seen them near each other without John throwing a fit or looking put off.

The fact that he'd managed that without getting drunk was extra impressive. Aaron still hadn't quite processed John's behavior from the night at Hercules, more than ready to write it off as the alcohol. While it'd clearly embarrassed Alex, it was also nice to see the two of them back on more playful ground.

"Aaron's got therapy," Madison chimed in from the counter, where he'd gotten up to fix two cups. One of which he slid across the table and Aaron took it gratefully. "I've got work once I drop him off back at home. 'greed to take the late shift so Dolley could go to her kid's baseball game."

"I wanna go to her kid's baseball game," Alex mumbled and Aaron fondly gave him a squeeze as Madison reminded him that he still actually hadn't met Dolley.

At least Alex's boredom had gotten a little easier to manage since he'd started volunteering with Maria. It at least got him out of the house for four hours a couple times a week. Add to that the dog walking and cat cuddling he and John did at least once a week and it wasn't quite the same load he managed when he was in classes, but it was better than staring at the wall or getting in twitter fights.

Not that it'd completely cut out the twitter fights. As much as Aaron wanted to respect his space, there were days that Aaron regretted that he couldn't actually ground Alex from the internet.

"Why don't you text John and tell him he's free to come over when he wakes up."

Actually wake up was probably the wrong phrase to use there, especially if the man ran with Lafayette in the mornings. Either way, it would be nice for Alex if John was there before he and James had to leave. Aaron didn't like leaving him alone.

Even if he had been doing better these days. There was always that worry that something would happen and Aaron wouldn't be able to get back home quick enough. Thankfully his more recent bad spells leaned more toward not moving than seeking or trying to harm himself.

Alex grumbled as he stood up, wandering back out of the room with his blanket around his shoulders. Madison watched him go as he sipped his tea. "Glad to know nothing's changed."

"Give him an hour to wake up and for last night to hit him." Not that Aaron was sure how Alex was supposed to react.

Did people usually act differently the morning after? He was aware of the jokes about leaving in the middle of the night, or the awkward breakfasts after a one night stand or first date. But they weren't exactly in that situation. Or had Madison been worried that it would make Alex anxious again?

Aaron stared at the bottom of his cup while he considered that before standing up himself. "I'm going to go see if I can't convince him to take a shower before we leave."

"Have fun," James said with a mock salute.


	72. If you're into it...

Alex waited until Aaron and Madison pulled out of the driveway to turn to Laurens and huff. "Why do you have to keep trying to antagonize my boyfriends?"

"Me? Antagonize someone?" John pressed a hand to his chest, still sprawled across the couch where he'd landed earlier. "Why I would never."

Bullshit. John loved to pick fights, loved to see who would swing. Alex just had hoped that they were beyond that. Especially with Aaron of all people. The world had never met a more non-violent person. Alex had never seen it with his own eyes, but he wouldn't be surprised if Aaron caught spiders to carry them outside rather than squishing them.

"'Don't worry Aaron, I'll take very good care of him.'" Alex mimicked, dragging out the very the same way John had. "You even waggled your eyebrows! And the thing at Angelica's? How would Laf feel if I threatened to have sex with you in front of him?"

If Aaron was possessive? Lafayette was downright territorial. There was no way that Laf would approve. But John didn't waver. "Pretty sure you could do a lot of things to me so long as he could do the same to you."

What was Alex even supposed to say to that? "John."

John only raised an eyebrow. "What? How do you think I got so good at my impression of you?"

Alex froze. John was fucking with him. Had to be. There was no way that John actually pretended to be him in bed. Not like that. If Laf wanted to fuck him he would have done so before Alex ever introduced him to John. Before Aaron ever entered the picture. Back before he'd gotten sober he almost definitely wouldn't have turned Laf down. Would have probably been flattered. After all, even Aaron admitted that the man was attractive. 

Momentarily unsettled, Alex left John in the living room to see if he had anything in the kitchen that he could eat. While he'd walked in on Madison and Aaron eating breakfast that morning, he hadn't bothered to grab any himself and he was starting to feel it. And while natural instinct was to ignore the hunger until it went away, it did give him an excuse to walk away and clear his head. 

By the time he'd snagged an orange and turned around to go back, John was in the doorway. Accepting that this was where they were going to hang out then, Alex hopped up onto the counter. "Do you really? Pretend to be me?"

What he would do with that knowledge, Alex wasn't sure. Didn't know how he felt about it. It was like being told someone masturbated to the thought of him. Was he supposed to be flattered? Creeped out? Somewhere in between? And if he was bothered, which was worse- John doing it or Lafayette enjoying it? And if he wasn't bothered by it- what did that say about him?

"That depends," John said as he opened the fridge, snagging a soda."If you're into it? All the time."

"And if I'm not- you've never considered it a day in your life." John grinned in response and Alex rolled his eyes. "Because why would you give me a straight answer."

He expected a joke from John about never doing anything straight, but it didn't come. Instead, John tilted his head as he looked at him. "It really bother you? Me teasing Aaron?"

Teasing. Because at least with Aaron, John wasn't trying to be mean. It was just how he functioned, his sense of humor and Alex couldn't fault him that, could he? "I just want everyone to get along."

Wanted his boyfriends and his friends to like each other. It wasn't too much to ask, was it? John leaned against the counter next to him, facing out toward the kitchen. "Don't think it's me you have to worry about. I've at least been polite to your drug dealer. Aaron and Lafayette on the other hand? That one might be a lost cause."

"Threatening to fuck me isn't being polite." Whether or not Lafayette would allow the same didn't matter. 

John leaned back a little further so that he could look up at him. "Who said it was a threat? Sex always used to be a great way to calm you down and you were coming out of your skin."

To think, Alex had been the one to reduce their friendship to sex. Then again, maybe this was some bizarre form of payback. "Laf wouldn't share." 

A noncommittal noise. "You've always been the exception."

Alex bit into his orange, rolling that idea around in his head. Part of him liked that. As much as he wasn't sure how he felt about Lafayette being attracted to him- the idea of Lafayette and John considering him their exception was kind of sweet. Especially since he'd been the one to introduce them. Reinforced his position in John's life. Still, it didn't matter. Madison's trust mattered. And even if Mads would say yes, it was wrong to ask until the two of them at least got along better. 

John clapped a hand on his knee. "Come on. What do you want to do today?"

They hadn't figured that out yet, had they? Alex gratefully accepted the change in conversation. "Do you want to go see Martha?"

"Which one?" John teased. "She's not at the Humane Society today. Said she'd be gone all week, remember? A second honeymoon. What do you think old people get up to on those?"

Marty would kill him for even thinking about her as Martha. And Martha would kill him for the joke about her lack of sex life. If there was a lack- hadn't Alex once read that senior citizen homes had some of the largest outbreaks of STIs? Maybe that was where Angelica should take her show on the road to next. Though they were probably much less likely to care about infertility. 

Part of Alex wanted to suggest a quiet day at home. But considering how their last tv watching session had gone and the conversation of the day, Alex wasn't sure he wanted to risk it. "I'd ask if you want to go hiking but it's too hot. Can you think of anything?"

John thought for a moment before grinning. "Yeah, I think I got something. Grab an extra change of clothes and I'll meet you in the car?"


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up just because this chapter got a bit heavier than I expected- this chapter discusses what happened at Jefferson's at a few points.

Theo looked as impressive as ever in her pinstripe suit and Aaron did his best to flash her a smile as the receptionist closed the door to her office behind him. It was ridiculous, really, how much the simple act of going to therapy sent his heart rate skyrocketing. Especially after their last few sessions. Everything had been fine when they'd focused on Alex and his issues, everything had been fine when it had been educational instead of personal.

But even he couldn't deny that maybe, just maybe, she had a point. Aaron just wasn't sure that the point had a purpose. 

Effortlessly Theo returned the smile as he sat. "How are you this afternoon, Mr. Burr?"

"I'm doing well." Small talk he could do. Unfortunately, he knew better than to think that it would stay small talk. His best hope was to try and steer the conversation. "Dr. Franklin, Alex's therapist? Has had him working on showering again. His chest is still really bothering him."

Her raised eyebrow made it clear that she recognized his side stepping, though she allowed it. "What is it about showering and his chest that's the problem?"

Oh. Had Aaron not explained all that before? There always seemed to be so much more that needed to be covered. Nothing as cut and dry as addict or trauma survivor. Those words were useful but they definitely didn't paint the full picture. Sometimes it felt like betrayal to fill in those details. To give away Alex's stories to someone else, to share them with someone who wasn't there. But that was the whole point of therapy wasn't it? And Alex knew he was talking with her, knew that he was often the subject at hand.

Aaron sighed, tried to pull himself back out of his head. "He has some scars. From an incident. He doesn't like to acknowledge that they exist. Doesn't like it when anyone else does either."

Incident. Madison was right, they were tap dancing around what happened again. But was that so bad? Theo asked him to call Lafayette Gilbert in order to soften the blow, why couldn't they do the same with this. Call it what happened, call it an incident, call it that because the truth was Aaron had no idea what to call it. As much as Theo had pointed out that what happened between him and John had been kidnapping- a term he'd willingly thrown around without much weight until it actually meant something- Alex said he'd gone willingly.

Had stayed when the door opened and Aaron had asked him to come with him. Hadn't left of his own accord, had been carried out unconscious instead. Called his sexual experiences with Jefferson hate sex, not rape. But at what point could Aaron's observations on a situation override what Alex actually said? Just because Aaron couldn't imagine it being consensual didn't mean that Alex didn't consider it that. They'd never talked about why Alex stayed in the house. Why he went with Jefferson. But Alex had said he was willing. 

So what was he supposed to call it?

And no matter what he called Alex's experience, what was he supposed to call standing outside the door as some fucking sadist carved their initials into Alex's flesh. Did that experience have a name? Madison wanted to joke about Aaron worrying when Alex wasn't in eyesight, but did he actually understand why Aaron was concerned? Or did he think that Aaron was just worried about Alex finding a dealer again?

Aaron allowed himself to exhale. He was getting caught up in semantics again. It didn't matter. Naming it wouldn't solve anything. Incident it was.

Thankfully Theo didn't harp on his inexact wording. "Have the two of you sat down and problem solved? I know it can be hard to do that when we don't want to talk about what's wrong, but often times two heads are better than one."

"We haven't." Honest. That he could be honest about. "But we're figuring things out? Even before our last session- I got Alex to take a shower. He wore his shirt and the lights weren't on, but it was nice."

Very nice. And they'd managed to shower earlier too. Aaron was considering grabbing candles for the bathroom because the darkness really did seem to help. Maybe once Alex got used to showering in the dark with his shirt on, he'd be able to move on to doing it with the shirt off. 

"Franklin's had him spending time in the shower, too. It's interesting? I'm not sure that Franklin explained himself well, or that Alex is entirely listening. He took a nap in the tub one day. Another day he soaked his feet in some weird concoction in it." Aaron shrugged. "I know we should talk about it, but sometimes talking about things feels like dragging open a wound. And the guess work hasn't been so bad so far. We were even able to be sexual last night."

It came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop it. There were some things he didn't want to share with his therapist, using his housemate to have sex with his boyfriend was up there. Especially because it would open up other questions, about his own sexuality. Things he didn't want to answer. Considering the boundaries conversation last week he could just picture it. 'Aaron are you giving your boyfriend handjobs because you feel like you have to?' 'Aaron are you attempting to be something you're not in order to make Alex happy?'

Not to mention the risk that Theo wouldn't understand what asexuality was. Would assume he had to be asexual for a reason. Or try and argue with him that he wasn't. Clearly his willingness to engage in some sexual acts meant he had some kind of sexuality.

"A few sessions ago he was having trouble with that, am I correct?" Aaron nodded to her question. "Was it the chest thing as well?"

"Part of it." There was probably more. "He threw me a party yesterday. I guess, more accurately, he reached out to an old friend to make it happen. He's got this thing? About wearing dresses? And he wore one yesterday and I think it helped because he was able to keep the scars covered."

Too much information again. "The party was super sweet of him. He said something about wanting to remind me that people cared about me. People other than him."

Theo didn't comment on the subject change or the fact that he'd been skipping around all session. "Did you have a nice time at your party then?"


	74. The knife used against you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> painful chapter alert

A knock on the bathroom door startled him. "Alex? Are you in there?"

No. He was hiding under the sink in the kitchen. Aaron had been napping when John dropped him back off, and he'd been in the bathroom pretty much since. Needed to take a shower. Had already taken a shower that morning, but John's bright idea had involved going to the lake. He'd shoved Alex in instead of listening to his protests about not wanting to take his shirt off.

It'd been fun though, once he realized John wasn't going to attempt to wrestle him out of his shirt as well. 

Even with the set of dry clothes, he knew he needed to shower. To get the lake water out of his hair, off of his skin. Baby wipes and washcloth bird baths were a lot more functional for when he hadn't been active. 

But Aaron was outside of the bathroom, and he'd already been in there too long. Attempting to save face he flushed the toilet he hadn't been using and washed his hands in the sink before stepping out. "Sorry, must of ate something weird earlier."

Other than his orange he hadn't eaten anything at all.

Aaron nodded, but it seemed distant and Alex felt his stomach clench. Had he done something wrong? But Aaron didn't say anything, just reached out to stroke his hair, frowning at the texture briefly before making a comment about laying back down.

"Is there room for one more?" Alex joked nervously.

Followed Aaron back to the bedroom when he nodded again, grateful for the way Aaron wrapped an arm around him when he laid down. The rise and fall of Aaron's chest comforted Alex, even as it always had been. The problem was that it didn't slow down, despite the fact that Aaron had been the one who mentioned laying down. 

Alex shifted so that he could look up at Aaron's face. "Is something wrong?"

Better to keep it general than just assume it had to be something he'd done. Because it didn't have to be personal, maybe Aaron just had a headache. Maybe therapy had been draining or he'd gotten an upsetting message from someone. Better to ask than to just jump to conclusions.

But Aaron didn't answer him immediately, tipping his head back on the pillows. Most likely so that he could think, but it also obscured his face from view, making it so that Alex couldn't see his already guarded facial expressions. Whether or not that was intentional, Alex didn't know. 

His hope that maybe Aaron's mood didn't have anything to do with him fled as soon as Aaron spoke. "Do you ever think that we should talk about it?"

It. Because that was specific. What were they supposed to be talking about? John? Lafayette? Alex's issue with sex? The thing with Madison? The fact that their relationship had started out as a ruse for Hercules? The misunderstanding with Hercules? Things flashed through his head in rapid order.

"Why'd you stay?" Aaron asked, voice barely above a whisper.

That didn't make sense. Why'd he stay where? With Aaron? "Aaron?"

Silence.

And then, "With Jefferson. When I came for you," Aaron's voice broke. "Why'd you let him shut the door?"

Oh.

Alex rolled away from him, and then stood up entirely. Listened as Aaron sat up, to the sound of his heels hitting the base as his feet swung over the edge. But he didn't go any further, stayed there as Alex paced. Didn't try and stop Alex from leaving. 

Which was good. Because Alex wasn't sure how he'd react to that. Fine. If Aaron wanted to talk about that night, they could talk, but it wasn't a conversation they could cuddle through. It wasn't a 'kiss it better' situation.

"Do you think he actually would have let me leave?"

That was like assuming that Lafayette would hold up his end of the deal when Alex asked him to not tell Aaron about the scar. Like thinking that there had been a situation where Alex might have come out on top. Either Aaron got told or Alex did as he was supposed to. But Alex did like he was supposed to and Aaron got told anyway.

Alex did like he was supposed to. He didn't run. He didn't fight back. He'd answered the door when he was told to. Had watched Aaron ask. Had stayed still, not squirmed when Jefferson cut into his chest. Stayed quiet and let him do it. 

Let him.

As if he'd actually had a fucking choice.

Aaron stared at the wall. "You said you went with him willingly."

Alex laughed. The fuck did willing mean when there were threats on the line. When Aaron had been on the line. No, Alex hadn't put up a fight but he'd just been weighing his odds. No one would have stopped Jefferson. If Alex had made a scene that day, they would have just looked at him. His reputation preceding him, Jefferson's reputation preceding them. Just another addict throwing a fit because they couldn't get their fix.

Just another loser drug addict who couldn't function. Just another undesirable. Just another disruption to their day. Maybe they'd have said something- maybe they would have stepped in. But there would have been no follow-up and that threat, the threat of Aaron, would have still been there. No one could have stopped that, could have changed that. And the truth was? 

The likelihood of anyone stepping up was slim to begin with. If they had, it probably would have been because Alex was making a scene- not because they cared. Shut up the screamer so that they could go back to their school work. Shut up the screamer and no one has to think twice about what happens.

Finally, when there was no air left in his lungs. When Aaron was staring at him, slightly horrified. When it didn't matter anymore if he kept his silence- Alex spoke. "You know what he said? That he didn't care about me. That he enjoyed me being gone."

Aaron didn't respond, only flinched when Alex laughed again, slightly hysterical. "But you didn't just take me away. You took something else. Something that didn't belong to you. But not to worry, he wouldn't touch you so long as I came willingly."

It hurt. It hurt replaying that night in his head. It hurt thinking about it. His chest felt itchy. Tight. He reached up to scratch at it. "So ask me again why I didn't go. Ask me again why I didn't leave. Why I stayed silent. All the same reason. Because he wanted to hurt you. Wanted me to hurt you. Wanted my screaming to hurt you. Wanted me to be responsible and complicit. "

Alex wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to do it. He refused. "You said once that you didn't want to be the knife I used against myself? Well I didn't want to be the one used against you."

Aaron seemed to be searching for something to say, mouth opening and closing without a sound. Careful Aaron never wanting to say the wrong thing. Too late. Alex balled his hands up into fists and then let them go. "I love you so fucking much but I'm going to leave right now and make a nest out of James' sweaters."

Birds didn't have to deal with this shit at least.


	75. Chapter 75

When the door flung open it was too early for Madison to be home. He'd been sitting in the living room for over an hour trying to figure out how he was supposed to explain this one to the man. Somehow it felt spiteful to say that he'd taken Madison's advice and tried to talk about it. Not to mention the fact that James had specifically said that Alex wasn't ready. And what? Aaron had chosen to ignore that. Thrown salt on wound. Thrown water at a grease fire and then not known how to put the flames out quick enough.

Vaguely, a part of him was aware that he should have been alarmed. Especially when John Laurens slammed to a stop so quickly that he looked like he was going to topple over. "Alex?"

Aaron pointed and the spring holding John still let loose, sent him flying again. Lafayette entered the house soon after, moving much slower. Shut the door. Sat down on the chair that Aaron was not occupying. Easy, telegraphed motions.

"Why are you here?" The weight, the one that had been on his chest even before he'd been stupid enough to open his mouth earlier, grew heavier.

Lafayette glanced toward the hallway that John had disappeared down. "An alarming text. John wished to check in."

That didn't answer his question. Not really. So long as John helped Alex, he didn't care what had brought him there. Unable to be more specific, he repeated himself.

Thankfully, Lafayette didn't say anything about that, just shrugged. "He is in no state to drive. I texted Hercules. I did not think you would like being home alone with us considering."

That was awfully self-aware for him and unappreciated none the less. No, Aaron hadn't seen John that angry since the beginning. But he didn't have the energy for fear or worry. Besides, the last thing either of them needed was someone else in the house. Alex hadn't said to leave him alone but the message had been loud and clear. 

A brash noise filled the house and Aaron instinctively clamped his hands over his ears. The sound pushed Lafayette to his feet, and Aaron watched as he approached Madison's door, twisted the knob once, twice.

Locked. Whether it was John or Alex didn't matter, one of them had decided that no one else was to enter the room. Lafayette knocked on the door in a strange pattern. One that must have significance if the fact that the music lowered meant anything. Aaron expected Lafayette to take his seat back, but instead the man went into the kitchen.

Fine. Aaron stretched back out on the couch so that he could stare at the ceiling again. It didn't matter what Lafayette was up to. It didn't matter what John was doing.

Even being dramatic he couldn't quite say the same of Alex. 

There was a cup of tea being shoved in his face. "Alright, Madison."

Except it didn't belong to Madison because Madison was still at work and none the wiser to what a complete fuck up Aaron had been. No, the mysterious benefactor was Lafayette, who placed a plate filled with cut oranges and grapes on the coffee table before sitting down with his own tea. Like Aaron was some pouting kindergartener in need of a nap and finger foods.

As if Aaron was the one in need of comforting. "Why aren't you with John?"

Steam rose from Lafayette's cup, and he blew on it tentatively instead of answering. Turned his head in the direction of the window at the sound of a car pulling up. Still too early for Madison to get home. Hopefully, it would stay that way. Hopefully, Aaron would be able to get rid of everyone in the house before James did get off. There were some things he didn't feel like explaining to the man.

Though polite enough to knock, Hercules didn't bother waiting for anyone to open the door before coming in. "Is everyone physically okay?"

Probably. 

When neither of them answered him, Mulligan let out an exasperated sigh before following the noise. Found himself in the same situation that Lafayette had, except Herc didn't bother with a fancy knock. No, he hit the door once.

"If you two don't open this door-" The sound grew louder as the door opened and then muffled once more.

Somehow, Aaron doubted that method would have worked for him. 

Without anything else to do, he twisted to look at Lafayette who had least had the decency to pretend he hadn't been staring. He searched for something to say that didn't sound like an admission of guilt. Came up with nothing.

Aaron had known. He'd known there was something off about the situation. Had his concerns and still he'd opened his mouth. Hadn't bothered to do any of the things that Theo had mentioned doing in these situations. Hadn't made sure that Alex was ready to have the conversation, hadn't made sure that there was an exit strategy. Hadn't made sure that coping skills were in place. Hadn't done it in a neutral environment.

They'd had that conversation, what? Over a month ago. Sometimes Alex would have issues speaking. Sometimes Alex would need to talk about painful things. Here are ways to make it easier. Here are things to keep in mind and he had done none of it. 

Had acted on a whim and screwed it all up. 

Thrown all of Alex's hard work about the party in his face. Why couldn't he have just been grateful and happy for one more day? For another week? but Madison's commentary earlier in the week on top of Theo's that afternoon had chiseled away at his good sense. And he'd gone to lay down, to take a nap after therapy. Thought it would clear his mind and he hadn't been able to shake the images from his mind. Alex hanging by his hair, Alex standing at the door with no one around to stop him from stepping out.

Aaron hadn't been going to say anything but then Alex had asked if something was wrong. Had wanted to know what was bothering him.

Lafayette popped a grape in his mouth and Aaron startled at the motion, realized that suddenly he'd been the one staring. But Laf didn't roll his eyes, didn't smile mockingly at him. Just swallowed the food in his mouth. "Perhaps bothering monsieur Madison at work would make you feel better?"

Aaron didn't understand how, but Lafayette was already standing, one hand extended to help him to his feet. "If nothing else, perhaps the cool air will help clear your head?"


	76. Chapter 76

Hercules stared at them. "Do you have to do that?"

Alex shrugged, burying his face back in the sweater he'd been hiding in. John bounced once and Alex groaned as the weight on top of him shifted. He'd opened the door to let Herc in but had gone back to sitting on Alex's ass immediately after. Something Alex might have complained about if he didn't appreciate the weight at least a little bit. It would be better if John laid down, covered him more completely, but if Alex asked he'd probably do something else entirely. 

"Could you at least turn the music down?" Hercules tried when that didn't work.

Another motion, this time probably John shaking his head, though Alex couldn't be sure. Despite that, the music ended entirely, and considering John's cursing, it probably wasn't with his consent. Which is what John got for not having a lock on his phone.

Truthfully, he was thankful. The music had been skull pounding loud, and while John argued that it meant they could talk without having to worry about anyone overhearing them, Alex wasn't exactly in the mood. 

"Alex?" Hercules' voice was suddenly louder, and Alex turned his head to realize that the man was sitting cross-legged next to them. "What happened?"

Nothing that he wanted to talk about. "John and I have vastly different ideas about what birds do."

John huffed. "You get a series of emo texts about birds from this weirdo and try not to assume he's going to try and fly off a building."

"I told you," Alex whined, "that I was building a nest. I am in a nest."

A nest that Madison might complain about when he got home, considering Alex had gone through and unearthed all of his sweaters and long sleeve shirts in order to build it. But it smelled nice, like Madison's cologne. And it'd been the only thing he could think of to comfort himself in the moment. 

Plus it was Mads. Alex hadn't seen Madison get pissed off at something for more than an hour in the entire time that he'd known him.

"You also sent me a nine-page text about how much better birds have it. I just got you back, I'm not losing you again."

Oh. Alex hadn't meant to worry him that badly. "I'm upset. Not suicidal."

"Would you like to talk about that? The upset part?" Hercules again.

Absolutely not. Talking was the worst. Birds didn't talk. Birds were allowed to fly around and eat worms. Allowed to live in trees and never actually had to deal with people if they didn't want to. And if he was a crow, he could collect shiny things and make trades with neat people. Have a nice little nest made out of twigs and yarn. Maybe even poop on people who made him mad. Obviously a much better life than the one he was living.

Hercules reached out to stroke his hair, and okay, he'd allow that. Alex was willing to be a person for just a little longer. "Are you planning on letting Laurens keep using you as a trampoline?"

On cue, John bounced again. "I'm trying to make him get up. Or tell me something. Either way, hiding in a pile of his boyfriend's clothes isn't an option."

"You're a dick. There I told you something." Alex's pelvis was going to bruise if John didn't stop and he let out a relieved sigh when Hercules gently pushed John off of him.

Apparently giving up on him moving, Hercules stretched out beside him on one side, and John disturbed the edges of his nest so that he could drape himself around Alex's back. It wasn't the right set of bodies, but it was almost comforting in its familiarity. Part of him was tempted to ask Herc to move closer, but something told him that as understanding as Hercules was- he probably didn't want to be a part of an actual three-person cuddle pile.

"Do I need to start guessing?" Hercules asked. "Did you and Aaron break up? Did you get in a fight? Was Aaron even involved?"

Had it been a fight? Alex wouldn't call it a fight. Aaron was just trying to understand. And it wasn't as if Alex hadn't spent hours blaming himself. He'd just thought that maybe they'd moved past it. Like maybe they didn't have to talk about what happened, because what did it matter? It was done. It had happened. Couldn't he just focus on dealing with the symptoms?

Madison had told him he didn't have to talk about anything he didn't want to. And Alex didn't want to talk about any of it. Ever.

Alex just wanted to move on from it.

Not have to second guess whether or not he'd made the right choices. Not hate himself for ever getting involved in drugs in the first place. 

Alex didn't want to remember it. How helpless he'd felt. How he hadn't felt like he had a choice but to just take it. Accept what was happening. Because the bad things were going to happen either way and fighting back would just make them worse.

"This isn't about Aaron, is it?" Hercules' voice was soft and Alex shook his head, let out a shuddery breath.

There went the whole not crying thing. "I don't understand why he hated me so much."

"Baby boy," John's arm tightened around him even as Herc spoke, "You'll drive yourself up a wall trying to figure out what about you caused it to happen. What he did to you? Was not your fault. I'm not going to tell you that you're perfect. I'm not going to tell you that there's nothing you could have done to piss him off. But I will tell you this? Nothing you did? Warranted his behavior. You could have called his girlfriend a fat harpy and insulted his mother- and it wouldn't have made what he did okay."

Maybe. "If I'd have just reached out for help sooner. Gotten sober on my own. I was so fucking stupid. And I almost ruined everything with John and I was horrible to everyone. Maybe I did deserve it."

Maybe not for what he did to Jefferson, but for what he did to everyone else. 

And fuck the pity in Hercules' eyes. He didn't deserve it. Behind him, John wiggled closer. "You know I'm not good at feelings. I will bite you if you don't shut up and stop blaming yourself, though."

It wasn't as if Alex wasn't used to being told to be quiet.


	77. Chapter 77

Riding in Lafayette's vehicle felt strange.

It was cleaner than Madison's car and some sort of French rapping filled the interior. Part of Aaron wanted to reach over and turn it off, but that would only encourage Lafayette to actually talk to him and this experience was already weird enough.

Lafayette hummed along to the radio as he drove and Aaron could only assume that they were headed toward Madison's job. Aaron hadn't ever been, and he'd almost been concerned that Lafayette knew until he remembered the conversation about the earrings. In fact, Aaron twisted in his seat so that he could look closer at the side of Lafayette's head. Was surprised to realize that yes, there was a small stud in the top of the man's ear.

Huh. The car came to a stop at a red light and Lafayette turned to give him a small smile, one Aaron didn't understand until he spoke. "Little Alex will be okay. He is in good hands."

Apparently his staring had been misunderstood. Which was fine. Better than anything else the man might have assumed. And Aaron knew Alex was in good hands. Of everyone? John and Hercules were up there with Madison. Even if none of them were perfect, Alex adored them. Besides, Aaron could trust that Hercules would level out any over the top suggestions that Laurens might have. 

Back in motion again, Aaron stared down at his hands. Pushed at his cuticles idly. "Why are you doing this?"

The humming stopped. "I am not foolish enough to think us friends yet and you seemed like you needed a friend."

Yet. Aaron was too exhausted to poke at that particular statement. "Thanks."

Curiosity finally won over the man, or at least it finally came to the surface. "What has little Alex so upset this time? John was not quite in the mood to explain his concern."

But Lafayette thought he would be? "I mentioned something I shouldn't have. About what happened before he left school."

"Ah." The sound was grating and it didn't matter that Aaron knew it wasn't meant to be obnoxious, it still felt like Lafayette was rubbing it in his face how obvious it should have been to keep his mouth shut. Lafayette didn't leave it at that, though. "No. He does not like to talk about that, does he? But it is probably for the best to get these things out in the open."

Was Lafayette trying to defend him? Today was definitely something out of some weird dreamscape if so. "I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Should you have not said it? Or should you have said it differently?" Aaron made a strangled sound, because considering the fact that the man had no idea what happened, he was hitting a little too close to the head of the issue. Lafayette shrugged loosely. "My John Laurens has been on me to remember these things. Presentation is just as important with what we say as it is with cuisine."

That had to be the weirdest comparison Aaron had ever heard. And the idea of John 'Can I get you to punch me in the face' Laurens giving Lafayette advice was borderline terrifying. Thankfully he was saved from having to come up with a response when the car pulled into a parking spot. Aaron undid his seat belt and slid out of the car, following Lafayette's lead toward a plain looking building.

"French Fry! What's your pleasure tonight?" Came Madison's voice, and Aaron pulled back at the enthusiasm in his tone. Had the two become friends without him realizing? "Aaron? What's going on?"

Madison didn't talk about his job often, and Aaron looked around to try and soak in what he could. Overall, the place seemed to be split into two main rooms, with two smaller ones off to the right side. The signs on each door declared them as the place that piercings happened. The room they'd walked into was bright, most of the walls covered in posters. Madison was propped up on a stool behind a glass counter with jewelry, a strange contraption on top. He sat down a hose that he'd been holding, and Aaron watched with morbid curiosity as smoke left his nose.

To their left was a room dedicated to the contraptions and what he could only assume were accessories. Lafayette crossed to lean against the counter, picking up the hose and holding out his hand without saying anything. Madison dug into his pocket and passed him what appeared to be a mouthpiece, which Laf unwrapped before attaching it and taking a drag.

Familiar. Oh god, at some point his housemate and Lafayette had become friends and he hadn't noticed.

"Smurf's Pussy, excellent choice." Lafayette exhaled as he spoke. "I brought Aaron up here? I thought you and he might talk."

Madison looked concerned. "I get off in like two hours, man. What's going on that it couldn't have waited?"

The problem with coming up here was that it'd been entirely Lafayette's idea. Aaron hadn't actually gotten far enough to come up with something to actually say to Madison. When he stayed quiet, Lafayette took another drag and did his best to fill in the blanks. Alex was upset and wanted to become a bird. This was apparently much more worrisome to John when he'd found out that Alex hadn't relapsed. John and Hercules were with Alex because Lafayette had wanted to make sure that Aaron need not worry about the people in his house. 

A fact that Madison thanked him for, strangely enough. Maybe Aaron would wake up and realize that everything after therapy had just been a series of strange dreams. Madison confiscated the hose for a second, though he placed it back on the counter when he turned to speak to Aaron. "He seemed fine when we left this morning?"

"I said something I shouldn't have." Wasn't willing to get more specific, especially with Lafayette right there. "I don't know if we're fighting? He told me he loved me but he needed to leave and make a nest-"

Aaron stopped, feeling nauseous. Madison considered what he'd said for a moment before sighing. "Honestly? That's probably pretty healthy. I mean, the nest thing is weird and all- but being able to say that he still cares about you but needs space? Feels positive to me."

"He said he loved me." Aaron repeated the phrase.

Madison made a face. "Yeah? Alex says he loves everyone and that everyone secretly loves him. Have you not heard the way he talks about Hercules? Hell, the way he talks about my boss?"

Unfortunately, it was Lafayette who caught on to why Aaron felt so alarmed, one hand patting Aaron's shoulder even as he looked at Madison. "I do not think they have said it to one another. Is it not a glorious thing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 you guys. I know we've had a tough few chapters, but I promise, things get better. Just.. much like life- recovery isn't a straight line and working through these things sometimes hurts.


	78. Little Bird

Someone's erection pressed against his stomach and half asleep, Alex wiggled into it. Hummed with pleasure when the arm around his back tightened in response. Rubbed his cheek against the chest he'd been using as a pillow. Comfortable and lazy as he shifted again, trying to get another reaction. Sure, he and Madison hadn't had sex yet, but maybe they could rut against each other like teenagers if nothing else.

Huffed, upset, when his behavior got him rolled. Though the reason why became obvious when he opened his eyes just in time to see that it was John- not Madison- before he leaned down to kiss Alex's cheek. John climbed out of bed as Alex grabbed a pillow to cover his face with. Yesterday's events filtered through his consciousness. Fuck. He was not ready to face the day. He was not ready to face the rest of his life.

Hercules had left once it became apparent that Alex wasn't planning on doing anything rash but John had been determined to stay. Especially once he'd walked out of the room to discover that Lafayette and Aaron had disappeared. Something that would have bothered Alex a lot more if he wasn't too busy having a mini-crisis of his own.

Muttering to himself he gave in and rolled out of bed. Snagged one of the larger sweaters off the floor, only taking off yesterday's clothes when it was firmly in place. Briefly, he considered going to Aaron's room to find pants, before shrugging. It wasn't anything John or his boyfriends hadn't seen before. He had more important things to do, like find Aaron and make sure that he and Lafayette hadn't managed to kill each other while Alex was being a bird.

What surprised him was to find almost everyone at the kitchen table. It was an oddly domestic scene, John swiping crepes off of Aaron's plate as Lafayette bit into an apple. Aaron met his eyes but it was Laf that greeted him, "Ah, ma petite. Are we better this morning?"

Alex nodded, not breaking eye contact with Aaron. Who glanced toward the hallway as he jerked his chin that way, and okay, Alex could do that. Still rubbing the sleep from his eyes he stood off to the side and waited for Aaron. Listened as Aaron excused himself from the table, and it wasn't long before he stepped out to find Alex.

"Did you sleep okay?" Alex accepted the can of soda that Aaron pushed at him as he spoke. 

It wasn't coffee, but it would do. "Once John actually convinced me to get in bed. You?"

It'd taken more coaxing than was probably acceptable for a grown man but John had eventually gotten him up and to his feet after Hercules left. He'd even managed to convince Alex to eat a little bit, though he'd had to bring it back to the room. They'd snacked on fruit and yogurt and Alex had listened to John as he complained about being a cashier. When he'd run out of things to say there, he'd moved on to complaining about Lafayette's newest 'passion'. Which seemed to revolve around taking pictures of John when he wasn't looking or making them wait forever before eating dinner because Lafayette hadn't managed to get the right shot. 

Aaron awkwardly rubbed at the back of his head. "Well enough. Are you sure you're alright this morning?"

"I just-" Alex focused on the cold of the can. Let it ground him. "I'm not ready. I'm not. Should we? Yes. But I don't know. With Ben? Or Theo? I'm sorry for worrying everyone I just..."

"Wanted to be a bird?" It sounded ridiculous when Aaron said it. "Madison's going to make you do laundry for like a week, but it's okay. You can be a bird as often as you need so long as you come back to us."

Laundry Alex could do. As for coming back? As long as he was allowed to. "I'm sorry I'm always a mess. I just..."

Reactive. Alex felt reactive most of the time. Uneasy. Aaron put a hand on his shoulder. "You're healing. And we're going to have some crap days. We just have to figure out what to do when they happen."

"It feels like I'm always the one having the crap days." Screwing things up for everyone else. Making people worry. 

"Pretty sure my crap day caused yours yesterday."

Oh. Alex took a sip of his drink to avoid having to say anything. Maybe that was one way to look at it? Aaron didn't storm off or vocalize a need for space, but that didn't mean he didn't have bad days. They were just different. And sure, Alex's moods affected Aaron, but Aaron's moods affected Alex too.

"Actually, I wanted to say something else about yesterday. But only if you're sure you're okay?" Alex nodded and Aaron's hand moved from his shoulder to grasp the side of his face. "I love you too."

Too. Oh god. The first time Alex had said that he loved Aaron had been that conversation. The only thing worse than that had been if he'd said it for the first time during sex. Alex groaned but went willingly when Aaron pulled him into a hug. Buried his head in Aaron's neck.

"I'm the worst." The absolute worst. Why couldn't he have said it at the party? Or at breakfast yesterday? Maybe even written him a ridiculous love letter? "I mean I do? Like it's not like I said it and didn't mean it, which I guess would be worse. But I'm the worst. I said it and then left."

"To be a bird." Aaron wasn't going to let that go, was he? "I love my little bird."

"Mon amour," Lafayette cooed, and Alex twisted his head to see where Laf and John were peeking out of the kitchen. "Are they not the cutest?"

John nodded, looking serious. "Think they'll go fuck in the nest?"

Aaron chuckling only made the growing heat in Alex's cheeks worse. "I hate you both."


	79. Unexpected Friendships

The house was mostly empty after lunch. Aaron had leaned against the bathroom door, waited outside as Alex washed his hair in the sink, too tender to try and shower again so soon. If it weren't for therapy, he probably wouldn't have bothered at all. He'd even given Aaron that look, doe eyes and pleading. But if there was ever a day that Alex needed to go to therapy, it was this one. Even if his morning had been soft, last night had not been. There was still probably some sort of energy there from Aaron's misstep. Alex needed Franklin's guidance.

So he'd dressed and dutifully followed the violent duo out the door. John promised to have him home before he turned into a pumpkin. No glass slippers or search parties needed. Lafayette had clearly been confused by the reference, and of course Lafayette wouldn't watch Disney movies. But Alex had smiled, rolled his eyes and elbowed John in the gut. Back on even footing. It was a good thing to see. 

But it also left him alone with Madison. The obvious thing to do would be to talk about what happened. Clear the air and make sure there were no resentments left there, or that Madison knew that he didn't blame him for his mishap. But Aaron was tired of talking. And considering Madison had slept next to him last night, he hadn't reverted back to thinking that Aaron was going to lose it.

Better, instead, to bring up something else Aaron was curious about.

"So-" Madison looked up from his laptop, and Aaron raised an eyebrow- "You and Gilbert?"

Madison rolled his eyes. "I told you he comes by work sometimes."

"That was more than stop by work," Aaron perched himself on the arm of the couch. "You and French fry are friends."

Aaron was still trying to figure out how he felt about that. The man had been almost nice last night. Considerate. And even if he and John had been a bit obnoxious that morning. Thankfully Alex hadn't reacted too badly to their poking. More upset at his own timing.

Had it been ideal? No. But at the same time, Madison had been right. It was a good thing that Alex felt comfortable enough to say "I love you but I need my space." Better than Alex disappearing because he was in a bad place and everyone in the house having to guess what was going to happen.

"We smoke sometimes. Don't make it sound like we're getting together for brunch."

Aaron shrugged. "You could. If you wanted to."

Not that James actually needed Aaron's permission to be friends with someone. But he wanted it out in the open that Aaron wasn't going to be a dick about the whole thing. Especially considering the fact that James had poked around at why Aaron disliked Lafayette so much. Had even, in his own way, defended Lafayette. Mentioning that he couldn't think of anything that would override what the man had done with the Jefferson situation. Aaron didn't want to think about that, though, not with how everything had happened with Alex.

Besides, what was more relevant was what Lafayette had been up to since he'd come back. Lafayette who had mostly respected Aaron's desire to not be touched. Who had shown up and listened to Alex. Lafayette who had tried to be considerate that Aaron might not want to be alone with an angry or worried John. Who recognized he couldn't be a neutral party on that. Who'd taken him to Madison. And slept on the couch rather than make John leave. Who had agreed to take Alex to therapy so that he and John could hang out afterward.

Who still took up too much space and smiled with too many teeth. Set plans into motion without actually checking in that everyone involved was fine with it. No, the main difference was that Lafayette had started paying attention to the other players involved in the game he was playing, rather than just trying to fit people into holes they didn't belong to.

"He already tries to convince me I need to go running with him." The idea of Madison going on a run was probably more amusing than it should be. "So I'll pass on becoming any closer. At least until Mutt wins you over on the orgy idea."

That had definitely been said to throw him off, and Aaron rolled his eyes. "Alex is perfectly respectful of my preferences. If he wants to have an orgy with you and whoever else, that's up to you two."

It was ridiculous how pleased he felt about the fact that Alex was so respectful. But when Aaron had come to accept that he was asexual, he'd also written off the idea of dating entirely. The few sexual partners that he had, had left him feeling off. Like there was something wrong with him for not wanting things the same way that they did. Or that he was wronging them by not being as attracted to them as they were to him. Learning about asexuality? Had been a relief.

Learning that he could have a boyfriend, an extremely sexual one at that, who respected him? Was fantastic. Alex hadn't even questioned the few times that Aaron had chosen to be sexual, which had been a concern. Obviously Aaron didn't want to be in a situation where he felt like he had to be sexual, but he also worried about things having to be a Discussion every time he wanted to do something of that nature for Alex. Which was probably a bit hypocritical, as much as he fussed about Alex's hypersexuality, but Aaron was only human.

"One. You told him anyone but Lafayette," Madison tapped his index finger, and then his middle."Two. Come on, you know you'd kill for the chance to tell the French Fuck what to do. And I bet he'd actually listen if it got him close to Mutt."

"You're horrible." Aaron rubbed at his face. "Please tell me the two of you haven't discussed this. I understand that Alex apparently has a thing about discussing weird sex combinations but I think I draw the line at you and Lafayette discussing him."

Madison shook his head. "Rest easy, if Frenchies got the hots for Mutt he's kept it to himself."

Good. There were only so many revelations that Aaron could deal with on any given day.

"You have work today?" Madison shook his head again, though his gaze was focused back on his computer screen. "It doesn't sound like we'll have Alex back anytime soon. There anything you want to do while he's busy?"


	80. Chapter 80

John tossed a potato chip at him, ignoring the disgusted noise Lafayette made. "What do you even do in therapy?"

Alex considered throwing one back but popped it in his mouth instead. "I'm pretty sure I have doctor-patient confidentiality there."

Which didn't apply to friend's asking him questions, as Lafayette pointed out. But still, therapy was personal. While Aaron occasionally asked how therapy went, he never pressed for details. Of everyone, Madison was probably the person he talked about therapy the most with. Mostly because Alex liked to try new things out with him, or ask his opinions on things. No doubt Aaron would happily oblige him if asked, but Alex didn't want to rely on him any more than he already was.

Alex considered trying to change the subject. Most likely John would allow it, but the fact that John was asking at all meant he cared. Even if he was likely to be a bit of an asshole in the process. In the end, he decided to just go with it. If Laurens made fun of him, he made fun of him and Alex would get over it.

"Every session is a little different? One time we went on a walk to a pond and pushed boats with our worries on them out to sea." The fact that his worry had been Lafayette, well, that was something that didn't need to be shared. It had been a good session either way.

When John lobbed another potato chip at him, he ducked. Fed up with the mess he was making, Lafayette made a grab for the bag, grumbling something under his breath about them ruining their dinner. Obediently Alex closed up his own bag, handing it over without complaint, earning himself a pleased smile. That went away when Alex stuck his tongue out at John.

Before John and Laf had started dating, Alex hadn't realized just how well the upperclassman could cook. Had never had a reason to come over to Lafayette's place. John could say what he wanted to about Lafayette's flight of passion, but cooking was obviously one that had stuck. Alex hadn't been paying attention during the prep, too focused on wrestling with John to listen to the explanation of what Lafayette was making, but he knew it smelled delicious.

Without anything to throw, John settled for sitting on the kitchen island and kicking his feet. "You tell your quack that you want to be a bird?"

"Don't call him a quack," Alex defended, crossing his arms. "But yes, I told Ben about last night. Nosy."

Franklin had said that it was probably time to explore some conversation specific coping skills. Things that could be done while talking to keep him from freaking out, not to mention practicing checking in more often to make sure that he was 'respecting' his limits and self instead of just pushing through them. Maybe even try some roleplaying, though Alex wasn't sure how he felt about that one. After all, it just meant having to have the conversation more than once, with more than one person. Wasn't that worse that flubbing it?

"Mon petit oiseau." Alex looked over at the pet name, opened his mouth to accept the small bit of pasta being offered to him on the end of the spoon. "It is good, yes?"

Alex nodded, brain sifting through the French that he still remembered, trying to figure out what it was that he was being called this time. Little something. Not kitten or boy. Not girl for that matter either. Gave up when he was offered a bite of potato from the dish Lafayette had just pulled from the oven. Closed his eyes as he chewed on it, well aware that he was being fed to keep him quiet and unable to find it in himself to complain.

"'s hot," Alex murmured, eyes closed. "'s good though."

John snorted. "Have you considered going into porn? You make enough noise."

"Too little." As soon as he'd said it, he knew how it would be taken and sure enough John was grinning at him when he opened his eyes.

Lafayette was the one who had to make the jibe though. "Are we conscious about our size?"

"Self conscious," Alex corrected automatically before rolling his eyes. "I meant that I'm too small in general. Pretty sure most male pornstars look more like you than me."

Not that Alex actually watched much porn. He'd never really seen the appeal when he could easily be having sex instead. Still, actors in general had a certain look.

"I do not know," Lafayette tapped his chin as he spoke. "Can one be too little to bottom?"

They were not having this conversation. "Who says I would bottom?"

Lafayette quirked an eyebrow in response, which was at least a little less embarrassing than John's open laughter. Asshole. "I hate you both."

Unwilling to stand there and be picked on more, he walked out of the kitchen and flopped on the couch. John followed him, obviously trying to hold back his amusement. "Have we upset our little bottom?"

"Not your little bottom anymore." Had never been Lafayette's.

John hummed as he came closer, finally leaning down to grasp Alex's chin, tipping it upward. "Seemed like it this morning."

Telling John that he'd thought he was Madison didn't seem like it would go over well. Telling John that he'd need Madison's permission would go over even worse. Thankfully John decided to drop it, ruffling his hair before throwing himself to sit on the couch, feet stretched out so that they rested in Alex's lap. "Laf doesn't usually let people eat in the living room, but if you bat your eyelashes I bet he'd bring us both plates."

Alex thought about pointing out that Lafayette was John's boyfriend, not his own and if John wanted someone to butter Laf up, he should probably do it himself. But there was no harm in a little teasing, was there?

And it wasn't like John was wrong. Lafayette managed to put up enough resistance to explain why he didn't approve of eating in the living room before giving in entirely. Fixed all of their plates and brought them out before pushing John's legs out of the way so that he could sit in between them.


	81. Chapter 81

Showering together was slowly becoming a staple. Every day or so, Alex would pull him to the bathroom and look at him hopelessly until Aaron turned on the water. Unwilling to even ask verbally. Which was fine, wasn't that what he and Theo talked about? Nonverbal communication? Though perhaps they needed to come up with a system that allowed Aaron to grab his clothes before hand as well.

Even with that small annoyance, showering was generally enjoyable. They kept the lights off and lit candles instead. With anyone else he'd make a joke about it being romantic. But mostly it was practical, though occasionally they did bathe each other. Especially when Alex needed the extra reassurance. 

The problem was that it was also served as a time that he was trapped in a small space with Alex. Not usually an issue, but definitely one when the man was determined to be ridiculous. "I'm just saying, you two could date if you wanted to."

Aaron wasn't having this discussion. He wasn't having this discussion for at least eight different reasons. "Close your eyes so that I can rinse your hair."

Thankfully Alex obeyed and Aaron had a moments peace while Alex was under the spray. Unfortunately, it was broken when he came back out. "You know I'm taking your silence as you thinking about it."

"I'm not dating James," Aaron said for the tenth time that night, wondering if it was worth trying to shut Alex up with kisses.

Disliked himself just a bit for even having the thought. It was likely that Alex was trying to distract himself, considering this was the first that Alex had actually allowed him to take off his shirt to shower. It also meant that kisses were probably off the table, considering how skittish Alex had been when washing period. As soon as he shut the water off, Alex wrapped a towel around himself before snagging a second for Aaron.

Considerate but still obnoxious. "It'd be great, though? The three of us officially dating. You already talked him through sucking me off, I don't think you can claim to be skittish now."

Alex shook his head like a dog, sending water flying and Aaron groaned. "There would be more to dating James than just sex with you."

Not to mention that while Alex was happy to date someone who didn't want to have sex with them, Madison probably wasn't. And really, what would dating Madison really involve? Other than framing themselves around Alex. Not that Alex would mind, of course. No, if Aaron dated someone else- Aaron wanted that relationship to stand on it's own. Not to act as an extension of his relationship with Alex.

"You and James do like ninety percent of what me and James do." Alex snatched the shirt they'd brought into the bathroom and dragged it over his head. "And y'all were cute this morning."

Aaron sighed, he wasn't going to win this one. Part of him was tempted to poke at Alex's use of southern slang, but it wasn't worth potentially making him self-conscious. "This morning was entirely unintentional."

For once, Alex had woken up before the two of them. The night before they'd all curled up together in Aaron's bed, Alex between them. But then Alex had woken up and decided to make breakfast in bed as a surprise. All and all a sweet gesture, if he hadn't of come back to find that Madison had wrapped himself around Aaron in his sleep. Apparently this meant that they subconsciously wanted to date. It wasn't at all a comment on what people who were used to cuddling did when there was another body in the bed, or even a comment on Madison being cold because Alex had pulled the blankets off of him when he got up.

No. Clearly James and Aaron were smitten with one another and refusing to admit it.

"Unintentional or not? I still have the best," Alex drew out the word," picture of you two. Who knew you liked to be the little spoon?"

If Alex didn't stop, Aaron was going to kill him. Or, at the very least, Aaron was going to end up putting his headphones in and ignore him until he picked a new subject. "Alex. I have beyond given you permission to go and date whoever you want. I understand that you feel the same way about me. But the Want is important there. James and I are perfectly happy how we are."

"Fine." Alex finished getting dressed and Aaron followed him out of the bathroom, still wearing a towel around his waist "But think about the cute dates. You could go to the library together! You could be the little spoon and he could massage your head and you could take turns reading books to each other. You could have fancy candle dinners and listen to classical music."

Jesus. "Why do you think that James and I are in our fifties? Are you going to suggest we go golfing next?"

Without missing a beat, Alex shrugged. "I mean, it seems like the kind of thing you'd be into."

Did Alex have two modes? Either someone was like Lafayette and Laurens who enjoyed very physical, sometimes dangerous dates- or they were old men in rocking chairs. If so, where did Alex consider himself along that spectrum?

Either way, he was being a brat. "What does it say about you that you're dating two men that you think of as elderly?"

Aaron realized his misstep the moment that Alex fluttered his lashes, arms wrapping around Aaron's neck. "I mean, you knew I had daddy issues."

"Yeah, well, Daddy is going to put you in time out if you don't stop." It was probably the most awkward thing that had come out of his mouth in a while, but it made Alex laugh, and that was worth it.

"Come on, I want to cuddle and watch tv." Aaron gave him a look, glancing down to where he was still undressed. It earned him a shrug as Alex finally let go and leaned against the doorway of the bedroom. "Hurry up and get dressed and I'll even be the big spoon."


	82. Chapter 82

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some attempted smut in this chapter. it's... not as easy to skip this chapter without missing semi-important conversations, though.

Alex nuzzled the tender spot he'd just bitten, curious to see if the mark would still be apparent the next day. "You two would be cute."

Unlike Aaron, James hadn't immediately shut him down on the subject. He did, however, seem a little less than amused for it to be brought up again. "Mutt, pick one."

Confused, Alex looked up. "Pick one?"

Panicked, that maybe he'd pushed it too far. That Mads had reconsidered entirely the whole poly arrangement. And what was Alex supposed to do then? He loved Aaron, but he also didn't want to lose James. Definitely didn't want to confirm to the man that he was just some sort of add-on. Leaving Aaron would only reify all of Aaron's believes that no one would want him because of the sex thing.

Madison tapped his fingers on Alex's hips. "Talk about Aaron or whatever this is."

Oh. Alex ran his hands down James' sides, trying to calm himself back down from that mini-panic episode. One of Madison's hands wound itself back in his hair, pulling his face down for a kiss. It was strange in comparison to how things had always been with John. Even straddling John's lap like he was James' he'd had to lean up to be kissed. Dating people closer to his own height was interesting. The thought fled as James braced a hand on one hip, grinding up.

Eventually, the hand fell away, moved instead to his back as James' mouth found his neck. There was no question if the bruises would show up for him, Alex knew that tomorrow he'd be able to stand in front of the mirror and press each one. He was delighted that Mads had decided to return the favor, loved the small marks of possession even if James was the opposite of possessive himself.

But the thought of Madison and Aaron wouldn't leave him alone. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it all day, not since he'd walked in on them. It just worked. Aaron didn't sleep well by himself, no matter how much he wanted to pretend that he was always fine. If all of them were dating then there would be no question of someone sleeping alone unless they wanted to. They could go on weird three-way dates. 

"You can't tell me you don't think he's hot." 

The mouth on his neck let up and Alex almost felt bad when Mads pressed his forehead against his shoulder to groan. "Really? You'd rather talk?"

No. Alex just didn't see why they couldn't multi-task. Rocked his hips as he spoke to try and prove that point. "And you both have similar interests."

The hand on his hip stilled him, and Alex pouted as James leaned back to give him an incredulous look. "Mutt. I've lived with the dude for over a year. We do not have similar interests."

"You do, though." Alex poked James' chest. "You're both very serious. You both like to read. You're both very serious about your studies."

Madison rolled his eyes. "I'm a former drug dealer that prefers to spend my free time smoking and playing games on my computer. Up until you came along, Burr had a stick so far up his ass it's amazing he has a spine now that it's gone. He probably listens to NPR and keeps up with the New York Times."

"That's not nice, Mads." It wasn't exactly a rosy painting of James either, though.

Mads raised an eyebrow. "I'm just saying that both of us trying to keep our GPA's up doesn't make a relationship. And you don't count as a mutual interest either."

"Well, what do you talk about when I'm not here?" Because, really, as grumpy as Mads was being, he couldn't deny that he and Aaron had at least some kind of friendship going on. "Other than me, that is."

"I like how you assume we talk about you at all." That was at least said teasingly. "Mutt, why do you want us to date so badly? What's next? Asking if I'd be interested in fucking Laurens?"

Something about how Alex froze must have tipped James off because he sighed, "Mutt. No. Just no. Even if he didn't hate me, he apparently has to get blood cleaned out of his car regularly. I know I'm a naive virgin but I don't want to know what the fuck kind of kinky shit he gets up to regularly that causes that."

Which part of that should he unpack first? "John doesn't hate you. You two might even get along if you were willing to try."

Not that James was going to listen to him on that front, especially if he was arguing that he and Aaron didn't have that much in common. Better to hit it from another angle as well. "Laf wouldn't be your friend if he thought John hated you."

"Did Aaron complain to you about that?" Curious and slightly worried.

Which meant that Mads cared what Aaron thought. Ha. "No. But Laf was whining that you turned down his offer to go rock climbing with him and John."

"I've been third-wheeled enough by you and Aaron, thank you very much."

Maybe in the beginning. Alex rolled his hips again before ducking his head to kiss James chastely. "Not a third-wheel anymore."

"No. Not anymore." Another kiss, this one longer. "Still not fucking Laurens."

Who was the one choosing to talk now? "Not asking you too. Also he's really not all that kinky. Just really physical. And he's chilled out a lot since Lafayette helped him find other ways to uh, experience that."

Alex allowed himself to be lowered back down onto the bed, parted his legs so that James could fit a knee between them. Laughed when Madison couldn't apparently stop himself from making another comment. "I don't believe that anyone who kept you interested that long could be that innocent."

One day he'd explain to Madison that there was a difference between kink and rough sex. A difference between blindfolds and getting fucked against a wall. That John could enjoy a good fight without being interested in handcuffs or ropes. For the moment though, he was content to watch as James finally pulled his shirt off.


	83. Chapter 83

"How is your little love triangle going, anyway?"

Aaron had been spending too much time around Alex. That was the only explanation for his urge to stick out his tongue at Angelica's jibe. "Alex is doing fine."

The evasion earned him a raised eyebrow as she blew on her tea. They'd decided to meet up at the little coffee shop again, one final chance to hang out before Aaron went to visit his grandparents. When he got back it would be time for the school year to start, and while he hoped that they'd still be able to meet up now and then, he also understood how busy he'd be. "Mm. Does he finally understand that him dating someone doesn't mean you are?"

If she'd asked last week, Aaron would have been able to say yes. "He suggested that Madison and I go on a date to the library. Also, we apparently listen to classical music."

"Aaron." Aaron looked up from the muffin that he'd been poking around his plate. "You do listen to classical music."

Sometimes, but that wasn't the point. The point was that he didn't consider himself someone who looked like they listened to classical music. "Enough about me. How's work?"

Angelica was still waiting to hear back from some of the local non-profits that she'd applied to. While the work with Nat Geo wasn't bad, it wasn't exactly what she'd gone to school for. Ideally, she wanted to do some sort of youth programming. What had surprised Aaron was that she was dedicated enough to the idea that she'd even applied for a group that focused on gardening. As great as Angelica was, she'd never exactly struck him as someone who was one with the earth. 

It was interesting listening to her talk about it. As Alex would put it, she was an Adult Adult now, with her own place and a husband. Trying her best to get her foot in the door with a career that she wanted to keep. Even if it was just her "never let them see you sweat" philosophy shining through, it made him feel a little bit better about his own prospects to see her so hopeful. Like with enough hard work, and a little bit of luck, they'd be able to make the marks they wanted to in life.

"You mentioned something about heading up to see your family, didn't you? Are you looking forward to it?" An innocent question.

But the answer was no. Aaron realized that considering his grandparents and uncle were all he had left he was supposed to be more grateful, but at the end of the day, he wasn't. Going back would be tense. Smile. Tell them that his studies were going fine, of course, he was going to church. No, he hadn't found a girlfriend yet, in fact, he would rather keep dating off the table while he was in school. After all, being distracted was a bad thing- right?

It was important to stay focused. Keep his eye on the future. Say nothing about Alex or Madison. Refer to them solely as his housemates. Maybe not mention Alex at all, or lie about how many rooms the house he was renting had. Maybe he'd talk about Maria and her volunteering. Hope that it would throw them off his scent. They'd make a joke about men and women and how well they stay just friends. He'd tell them about what he'd been reading over the summer, how he was trying to keep ahead of the game.

Of course, Aaron didn't actually want to share any of that with Angelica. Instead, he rubbed at his face. "I'm worried about leaving Alex alone. I thought about taking him with me, but it'd end up going poorly for so many reasons."

Alex wouldn't know how to act straight to save his life. Didn't do well in public spaces without someone holding his hand or at least occasionally touching him to bring him back to earth. Would be offended if Aaron got a hotel for them and asked Alex to stay there while Aaron played nice with his family. And that was all counting on Alex not being awkward about going on vacation at all. Worried about money being spent on his behalf or just anxious about being somewhere that he wasn't used to. The cabin in the mountains had been nice, but that had been before Jefferson. Aaron wasn't so sure how it would be received these days.

Angelica made a face, and if it wasn't for how overdone the gesture was, he might have believed she was actually confused. "Would he be alone? Or do you mean that you're worried about leaving him with your housemate/his other boyfriend? Or is this less 'worried about Alex alone' and more 'worried about not being there'?"

When Aaron didn't answer her immediately, she softened. "Aw, Aaron's going to miss his boyfriend. That's so cute."

"We just haven't been away from each other that long so far." Aaron sighed, pushing at the muffin again. "It's not that I don't trust Madison or something like that."

"You just worry." Angelica reached across the table to stop him from further massacring his snack. "You can't be in control all the time. Sometimes you have to let others handle things. And it's not like you won't be a phone call away?"

How did one explain that a phone call and couple hour drive felt like it was across the country? If Alex had an attack he wouldn't be able to do anything. Wouldn't be there to help Alex shower, wouldn't be able to know for certain that his boyfriend was eating like he was supposed to. And more than that, that Aaron hated the idea of sleeping alone again. Even if it was only for a few nights. 

"Baby's first relationship." Angelica was enjoying this far too much. "Are you going to exchange shirts? That way you have something to sleep in that smells like him?"

That wasn't too bad of an idea, though he could do without the teasing. "Har Har. Are we done picking on me yet?"

Angelica pressed a hand to her chest, looking scandalized. "Me? Pick on you? Never. I'm just trying to help a friend out. That's why I'm going to offer to babysit him for you. He can come stay with me and you won't have to worry about him. After all, you know I'll take good care of him."


	84. Chapter 84

Breakfast had been strange. Alex had gotten up with Madison and they'd made Aaron breakfast in bed. Usually, those kinds of mornings were lazy, but soon after they'd finished, Aaron and James had exchanged a look and Madison had encouraged him to help wash dishes. Taken him grocery shopping afterward. It was hard to not feel like he was being kept out of the loop, out of Aaron's hair. Especially when they got home and Aaron had chatted with them briefly in the living room before disappearing back the bedroom, where he shut the door.

Mads convinced him to make lunch. They ate sandwiches in the kitchen, talked about making chicken roll-ups for dinner. Mads was determined that Alex needed to learn how to actually cook, not just bake. Once they'd cleaned up, Alex started down the hallway, frowned when James put a hand on his shoulder. Asked if he wanted his hair done. And what was Alex supposed to say about that?

So to the living room they went. Alex let himself relax into the feeling of someone playing with his hair.

"Alex." Aaron's voice brought Alex's attention to where he was standing, not quite in the living room. "I wanted to let you know I'm going to be leaving soon. I won't be back for a few days."

Leaving? Fine. Aaron did things on his own all the time, but for a few days? That seemed a bit out of the blue. "What?"

Aaron leaned against the doorframe to the living room, looking serious. Too serious. "I have some business that I need to attend before the semester gets here. It's nothing to worry about."

Nothing to worry about. Funny, considering Aaron hadn't bothered to let him know before now. But Alex didn't want to raise that point. Didn't want to risk saying something and it turn out that Aaron was being vague for a reason. Business. That could mean a lot of things. But it could also mean that someone was sick or had died. Alex didn't want him to feel pressured into talking about something if he wasn't ready.

"When are you leaving?"

Aaron looked toward the door. "Within an hour? I had to get a rental car. They're going to pick me up here so that James doesn't have to drop me off."

An hour. Okay. That was sooner than expected. And clearly that was what this morning had been about. Madison keeping Alex busy so that Aaron could pack and get ready to go. Which meant that Aaron had felt comfortable telling James but not him. And while Alex respected that Aaron had the right to tell who he wanted to, it still stung. Something must have shown on his face because Aaron crossed over, kneeling so that he could make better eye contact. "It'll be okay. Angelica said you can call her if needed. Mulligan's always there if you need him. You're still volunteering with Maria tomorrow, right? I'll be back home before you realize it."

Oh. Aaron had talked to Angelica as well. That was nice.

"He'll be fine," Madison chimed in. "I know y'all are weird and think you need to be touching for a third of the day, but you'll be okay."

There was a tug as Madison put the hair tie in and Alex crawled the small space between him and Aaron. Allowed Aaron to wraps his arms around him. "You know calling us weird isn't going to change anything, right?"

"You're the one who said that Alex couldn't go more than a few hours without being touched," Aaron teased. "I guess you're going to have to take my place while I'm gone. Or Laurens will, I'm sure."

Madison raised an eyebrow at the comment, but there must have been some context that he let it slide. "I'm sure Gil won't mind. Maybe he'll even join in."

Something was definitely going on, and he didn't understand it and he didn't like it. "Guys?"

The arms around his waist gave him a squeeze but Alex huffed in response. "I don't understand why you can't all get along."

"Get along or have an orgy?" James that time. "Or is it date each other?"

Mean. Aaron was leaving in less than an hour and the two of them wanted to spend that time being mean to him? Or taking potshots at each other, using his friendships against one another. Because how else was he supposed to take that little exchange? Why did it always have to feel like two steps forward and three steps backward in terms of merging his old friends with his boyfriends?

"There's nothing inappropriate going on between me and Laf or John." Well, mostly, on the John front. But Alex couldn't be held responsible for something that he wasn't encouraging that. "I respect you both too much for that."

Aaron kissed his hair. "We're teasing. And we'd get over it if there was something going on."

"So long as you understand that your relationship with them doesn't have to be our relationship with them," Madison added.

As nice as it was to know that if something did happen it wouldn't be the end of the world, it didn't change the point he'd been trying to make. "You know you could just tell me that you two don't want to date instead of teaming up to make fun of me."

"Just tell you? I wonder why I didn't think about that?"

Ridiculous. Aaron was being ridiculous. Didn't he know that was Alex's job in the relationship? Unfortunately Aaron's phone buzzing cut the conversation short and Aaron made his apologies before letting Alex go. Alex didn't stand up, just watched as Aaron grabbed his bags and headed toward the door. Waved at him before he left.

Madison sighed when the door shut. "He's going to be gone a few days and you wouldn't even get up to give him a goodbye kiss?"

"It's not like I didn't say goodbye," Alex defended. "He's going to be gone a few days and chose not to let me know until thirty minutes beforehand?"

At least James looked a little guilty about that. "He didn't want you to over think things. Which you are, by the way."


	85. Chapter 85

Aaron shifted his phone to silent before sitting it in the center console of the car. No need to risk becoming distracted while driving. Besides, of everyone, Alex was the most likely person to text him and Aaron had no doubt that his boyfriend was currently sulking. James was probably doing his best to console him, which knocked him out of the running for trying to text Aaron as well. Angelica was very well aware that he was on the road, knew how anal he could be about safety. So unless Lafayette or Laurens suddenly had the urge to reconnect with him, it was probably safe to assume there'd be no messages when he checked it at the gas stations and rest stops. 

Somehow, he doubted that the violent duo was planning anything. Unless, of course, Alex texted them about how horrible he was. 

He was hoping that the letter he'd left on the bed would squash that. It wasn't as if Aaron had been planning on letting it go so far without telling him, it'd just never seemed to be the right time. And apparently James had taken his 'I'm worried about how he'll react to the news' as 'keep him busy for as long as possible while I pack.'

Not that Aaron had complained. He could have stepped out at any point and said something. Alex had every right to be a bit miffed.

Thinking about how pissed off his boyfriend likely was didn't seem like a great plan for driving either. But neither was thinking about all the ways a weekend home with his grandparents could go wrong. Last night, talking with Madison while Alex had dinner with the Lafayette and John, he'd made that list. 

One: Despite barely using his facebook, somehow something he had posted would give away that he had a boyfriend. Maybe Alex had tagged him in something and he hadn't realized it? Maybe before they managed to become friends, Madison had stolen his laptop and liked a bunch of lgbt friendly pages as a bad joke. (A suggestion that had earned him a look from James. Whether because he was offended that Aaron would even consider him capable of that, or because he thought Aaron was being ridiculous in general- Aaron wasn't sure.)

Two: His grandfather would ask what the last sermon he'd attended had been about, Aaron would give him a bullshit answer and he would know. It would be something that The Church had stopped believing in since the last time Aaron had gone. There would have been a memo telling church going Christian that it was never to be mentioned again. That or his grandfather would have somehow managed to figure out social media and find someone that went to the local church, just to fact check him. The fact that his grandfather thought the internet was a work of the devil notwithstanding. 

Three: Grandfather would ask who his housemate was. Aaron would say 'James Madison' and Grandfather would respond 'the drug dealer?' Somehow, without Aaron's knowing, there would have been some sort of news article all about James' former escapades. (Madison hadn't taken too kindly to that worry either. Muttered something about still being alive, so clearly, news hadn't gotten out. Aaron had taken that as confirmation that they had similar family members. Ones who struck first and asked questions later.)

Four: Alex would call him and Grandfather would know, immediately, that the person on the other line was his boyfriend. Aaron would be disowned. Worse, Alex would hear his grandfather disowning him and become upset and blame himself. 

Five: Grandfather would go on another rant about how drug addicts or the homeless or whoever didn't deserve common decency and Aaron would be unable to stop himself from commenting. He would be struck from the family's record, forced to change his last name, and somehow lose his trust fund. The fact that Grandfather didn't actually have the right to take away his trust fund was irrelevant. All he could currently do was control what money Aaron received until he turned 21 and would have uninhibited access. When he changed his last name, the legal documents would be made void and the money would be donated to some terrible Pro-Family organization instead.

Six: Grandfather would go on another rant and while Aaron would manage to keep his mouth shut, he would develop an ulcer. 

That had been the point where Madison had cut him off, shoved a cup of tea in his direction and informed him that he would do his best to make sure that Alex didn't sext him while he was gone. That he promised that there wasn't a Christian Cult (as if Madison would know), and that there was no way that anyone knew of his previous occupation. And if Aaron would like to avoid getting an ulcer? He should take a deep breath and calm down considering he hadn't even gotten there yet.

Hadn't Aaron been the one who had always said to talk less, smile more? Who had managed to keep his mouth shut all throughout freshman year and never rose to the bait? Aaron would do fine. It would be uncomfortable, he would be unhappy, but he would live. And then, he would be on his way home, where he could be as gross with Mutt as he wanted to.

To remember that he could call them at any time, and if he was feeling paranoid, just to make sure that he didn't do it at his grandparents' house. But that they would be there for him. All Aaron had to do was trust that he could make it through. 

It'd been weirdly supportive, but when Aaron pointed that out, Madison had rolled his eyes and pointed out, again, how large his family was. As much as Madison loved his parents and more immediate family, his mother had just as many siblings as he did- and not all of them were great. Aaron's general philosophy of not making waves would serve him well. 

All he had to do was smile and nod for a weekend. Madison would hold down the fort at the house and make sure that Alex didn't collect any more boyfriends in the mean time.


	86. Chapter 86

Alex stared at the clouds above his head. It wasn't that he was unaware of how dramatic he was being, it was just that he was still frustrated. "I didn't even know he had a family."

"Alex." Hercules sounded far more amused than he had any right. "Most people have families. Just because he has to go home for a weekend doesn't mean that he's fond of them."

"But he never talked about them, at all." Not that Alex could remember, and he felt like he'd remember something like that.

Maria snorted, rolled over to prop herself up on one elbow to look at him. "Nobody knows anything about your family, either. I don't think you can complain."

She'd picked him up a few hours ago, and they'd gotten through what they could of the filing system. At least Alex thought they'd finally cleared out everything that they were allowed to, which meant they'd moved on to scanning everything and creating a digital database. Less papercuts, more Alex banging his head against the wall as he tried to remember what specific pieces of paper needed to be called. But still, at least it gave him a minor sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

Instead of going back to an empty house he'd decided to go back with her until Madison got home. Which had somehow turned into the two of them laying side by side outside while Herc sat on the stairs. There'd been a joke about turning into couch potatos, but Alex wasn't exactly sure how laying outside was any healthier than sitting on the couch and watching movies. Especially because at least inside they could have watched a movie.

"Mom's dead. Dad's MIA. Grandparents that I know about are dead. Uncle committed suicide. The Stephens are alright but they aren't my real family." They probably wouldn't appreciate him saying as much, but it was true. "There ya go, the unabridged family tree of Alexander Hamilton."

Maybe that was rude. Maria poked his side. "It can't be all that bad."

"Do I need to call Laurens?" Alex rolled to make sure that Hercules could see the face he was making, but the man only shrugged. "He usually cheers you up."

Alex huffed. "I don't want to ruin your day, I can go home you know."

"Where you'll stare at the wall forelornly?" 

Hercules shook his head. "No, he'll take Aaron's shirts and try and put them all on at once."

Traitor. And to think he'd trusted Herc. 

"We could buy him icecream so that he can watch sappy movies." Maria snapped her fingers. "I could even paint his nails. We could have a girls night out."

Alex glared at them both. "You think I'm being dramatic."

Hercules held up hands, signaling his innocence, but Maria only grinned. "Yes. Yes we do. You're still in your gross honeymoon type phase where you haven't figure out how to exist without being in each other's pockets. I bet Aaron's just as pathetic as you, right now."

"Worse, even," Hercules said helpfully. "How much do you want to bet neither of them slept well last night. Both refusing to text the other, not wanting to bother them. Mr. unemotional has probably been openly reduced to moping."

Horrible. Herc was horrible. He'd texted Aaron last night, just not that much, and he'd slept... okay. Curled up in Madison's bed with the letter Aaron had left him in his pocket. Because really, if they wanted to make fun of someone for being sappy, they had the wrong boyfriend. Alex had completely botched his first 'I love you' and Aaron was out there hand-writing reminders that he loved Alex and hoped Alex would have a nice weekend. 

"I thought you two were my friends." Alex pushed himself to sit up. "But now you're just being mean. Why do you all hate me?"

"I buy icecream for all the people I hate," Hercules said, getting up from the stairs. "Now come on, do you want some? Would that make you feel better? We could even get you one of those ridiculous masks with cucumbers for your eyes. To go with Maria's manicure."

"What do you even know about manicures?" Alex teased as he allowed Herc to pull him the rest of the way to his feet.

It earned him a look, and Hercules showed off his hands. Tidy nails, just slightly shiny. If it weren't for their topic of conversation Alex wouldn't have pegged it as polish at all. "I live with two girls, Alex. Maria and Peggy both seem to think that they need to teach me about the 'finer' side of life."

Another snort from Maria. "Don't let him fool you. We would do just fine without him. He's the one who gets bored and crashes our fun. Though, now that he mentions it, facials sound like fun to me. We could even invite Laurens over. Heaven knows he needs one."

Heaven knew John would throw a fit, though it was a funny enough image. "His boyfriend's probably the better bet if you want someone to let you smother them with goop."

Except that was the wrong thing to say, and Maria rolled her eyes before disappearing, saying something about going to grab her wallet. Helpless, he cast a look in Hercules direction, trying to figure out what he'd done wrong. Herc sighed, gaze on the door, watching for her rearrival. "You know how Aaron doesn't like Lafayette?"

"Yes?"

"Take that and multiply it by about twenty." Oh. Alex remembered their slightly frosty behavior at the clinic, but considering how close Herc and Laf were it seemed weird that he was living with someone who hated the man. Then again, the same could have been said about Alex previously. "Don't worry about it. Get a strawberry shake in her and all sins will be forgiven."

Maria appeared soon after, and they all climbed into Hercules' truck on the way to their next adventure.


	87. Chapter 87

Last night had gone easier than expected. 

Of course, that was partially because he'd gotten home late enough that there hadn't been much time for conversation. No, Aaron had been able to come in and put away his stuff before curling up in the living room before bed. It was weird, coming back home like that. Being asked if he had any school work that he needed to be working on. Trying to explain that college wasn't like high school, and no, he'd already done everything he could to get ahead. No, he hadn't gotten an internship yet, it was really too early in his school career to be considering that. Perhaps next Spring semester or next Summer, though.

Alex had finally texted him around nine, checking that he'd gotten home safely. They'd chatted for a moment, and Aaron was relieved that he didn't sound too mad. Hadn't brought up Aaron's sudden departure at all, really. They'd said goodnight far too soon and Aaron had stared at the ceiling until he'd been able to go to sleep.

Breakfast had been a reiteration of the night before's conversation, just a little more in depth. Yes, Aaron was sure that he wanted to be an English major. No, he wasn't planning on double majoring, yes he was aware that a lot of sources thought it was a good idea. He just wasn't sure that it was for him. Yes, he was still planning on getting his Master's degree. In fact, he was going to try his best to get into a program at the university he was already at. After all, he already knew a fair amount of the professors there. It'd be easier to get a recommendation, and he knew what to expect.

No, he wasn't volunteering anymore. Yes, he understood that volunteering was good for his resume. He'd try and see if there was a club or something he could work with in the upcoming semester, he wanted to see what his class load was like first. No, he wasn't thinking about getting a job yet. Didn't think that any job he could get at the moment would be worth the hassle. Thought his grades would be more important than experience cashiering.

Thankfully it was a sentiment that his grandfather agreed with and Aaron exhaled in relief. Hadn't wanted to try and argue his ground, especially this weekend. He still wasn't sure how to broach that subject. Tuition was an obvious expense, other than that, Aaron was used to having a debit card and a specific budget each month. Hadn't spent more than he was allowed since he was eighteen and mostly trusted to manage things on his own. 

After breakfast, his grandfather asked him to help out around the house and that was good. Doing laundry and dishes was better than talking. It was familiar, something he could lose himself in. At some point Madison texted him, checking in that everything was alright and he'd responded that yeah. So far, everything was fine. 

So long as they stayed away from any emotional topics, things would stay fine too. 

Madison confirmed that Alex had gone off with Maria that morning. Mentioned that because he had work that afternoon, it sounded like Alex might spend the whole day with her. Was unsure if he planned on spending the night. Aaron doubted it, Alex didn't tend to sleep well alone, and he highly doubted that Hercules was as understanding as John was about sharing his bed. Much less Maria or Peggy.

Aaron resisted the urge to text Alex himself. Wanted to give him space. Show that he trusted him.

And maybe, just maybe, prove to Madison that he and Alex could handle not being attached at the hip just fine. Angelica had teased him about being ridiculous, and maybe if they'd been dating as long as everyone thought they had, it'd be true. But they just had started really dating during spring break, and then immediately after everything had happened. 

It'd put everything on hold. It was only during the summer that things had really felt like they'd begun again. Like they could be themselves and try and figure themselves, rather than trying to work around the possibility of Jefferson coming back.

Aaron exhaled. He didn't want to think about that. Especially not while eating lunch with his family. He counted down from ten and allowed himself to focus in on their conversation, something about how church the next morning. Grandfather had stepped down as the preacher around the same time that Aaron had left for college, and there was always a new complaint about how it was being run. Things were becoming too modern, there was too much music, too little focus on the old ways. 

So long as he didn't start complaining again about the second service being held in Spanish, Aaron thought he'd be able to hold his tongue. Thankfully the conversation drifted away from the actual methods of the church itself and instead focused on the way people were dressing these days. Aaron reassured his Grandfather that he'd brought his suit for the morning, and he wouldn't think of missing church for the world.

Not that he'd felt a particular connection to the church in years. But that was just another thing to hate himself for. Aaron chewed on his salad, trying to remember if any of the people he knew were religious. Alex definitely didn't seem to be, and Madison didn't go to church. Aaron couldn't imagine Laurens going, though Lafayette was a wild card. He seemed to worship himself more than anything else, but Aaron had been an active church-goer long enough to know that didn't necessarily throw him out of the running.

When his grandmother asked if he was seeing anyone, Aaron allowed his attention to be pulled that way instead. Told her no, but mentioned Angelica's recent marriage and how surprised he'd been. Was even more surprised when his grandfather voiced his approval. Something about too many young people moving in together before getting married, and how poorly God felt about that. 

Aaron didn't have to ask how God would feel about a man living with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend to know what his Grandfather would say. 

Smile and nod. Just like Madison had said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... do protestant churches use music? I am so sorry if not. My exposure with religion has been Southern Baptist.  
>  also sorry?? about the Grandfather/his grandfather thing- I contemplated using Jonathan Edwards name?? but technically the chapter is from Aaron's perspective and I can't imagine him thinking of the man as Jonathan.


	88. Chapter 88

Alex stared at the familiar vehicle in his driveway, but it was Herc who voiced his curiosity. "What's Gil doing here?"

"Mads and he have become friends?" Kind of. Laf seemed more set on that than Mads did. "Maybe John's at work?"

When Alex went inside he would find out that his guess was wrong. John and Laf were sprawled across the couch together watching TV, Laf's feet on the coffee table, John's head on his stomach. Which would have been fine, if he'd had Hercules drop him off at Laf's place. At home? It was a little confusing. But Madison only waved at him from the armchair. "French Fry was worried we'd be lonely."

"More like Laf was bored and wanted to terrorize you." John huffed when Lafayette pulled his hair in warning. "Do it again. Next time I moan."

And of course, because John didn't make threats he wouldn't keep, and Lafayette wasn't one to back down, Alex was forced for the second time to listen to John's best impression of him. A breathy 'please, more, more' that sent Alex's cheeks flaming. That part did at least seem to throw Laf off, and John rolled off the couch only to drop on Madison's lap. Draped his legs over the arm of the chair as he tried to fit. "Maddy will take care of me. Won't you, daddy?"

Alex wasn't sure who was more alarmed by the behavior. Lafayette with his dented glare in James' direction, Madison with his wide eye stare at Alex, or himself. "I don't call him Daddy! And what is it? Be mean to Alex day? My boyfriend leaves town on short notice, Hercules makes fun of me, Maria makes fun of me, and now this?"

"Is ma petite having a hard time?" For a split second, Alex actually thought Lafayette was concerned. Proven wrong when the man purred, "Shall I take care of him? Since Monsieur Madison has his hands full?"

Not a pawn. Alex was not a pawn to be used because Laf was annoyed at John for curling up with Madison, not a pawn for John to use against Lafayette either. Fucking jealous Assholes. Alex went to the kitchen, uninterested in seeing how the scene unfolded. Stared inside the fridge for a moment before closing the door so that he could look under the cabinet where Alex knew that Madison kept his alcohol. It probably wasn't meant to be shared, but he didn't care. Just grabbed a glass from above his head so that he could pour it in.

Growled when two tanned hands appeared on the counter next to where he was working, John crowding him from behind. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"Fuck off." Because really, what else was there to say? Except the longer that John stood there, the more Alex smelt it. Whether John had been drinking and Alex just hadn't noticed the bottle, or if he'd been drinking before Lafayette told him to get in the car, either way, the man reeked. As much as it explained some things, it was also worrisome. It was entirely possible that John had just had one too many, been caught up in enjoying himself. But Alex also knew what it was like to chase after a high, after an elusive peace of mind and think it was just beyond a bottle.

Doing his best to ignore that thought, he focused on making his own drink. After all, if John was drunk, what reason did he have to not drink? John's chin dropped on his shoulder. "My pretty girl is mad at me. Whatever will I do?"

"You're the worst." Maybe that was a bit mean, but Alex elbowed him so that John would take a step back. Giving him enough space to turn around and take his first sip.

Wrinkled his nose, unsure what was stronger, the burn or the cinnamon flavor. 

"Little Alex is so upset," Alex glared as the Frenchman stole the glass out of his hand, "And much too little for this."

"I'm the same age as John!" Sure, he was a few inches shorter, but that had nothing to do with whether or not he was allowed to drink when people were pissing him off.

Lafayette only raised an eyebrow. "And he has handled his so well. Wonderful example."

Point. 

"If y'all are going to piss off Alex, you can go." Madison, from the doorway, looking thoroughly unamused. "I let y'all stay because I thought you'd be good for him. If you don't think I won't kick both your skyscraper asses out..."

The sentence dropped, but the threat didn't. It was probably extremely wrong to find Mads threatening them attractive, but Alex couldn't help but let his eyes trail down his boyfriend's body. One hand on the wooden frame of the door, feet planted shoulder's width apart. Casually making himself as big as he could. Though he was small, it wasn't to be discounted that James punched Jefferson over him. Clearly didn't have an issue picking a fight with people much bigger than him if he felt he needed to. Handsome and protective. 

Lafayette swirled the liquid around his stolen glass before knocking the whole thing back in one. "We will behave if little Alex will have us."

John leaned against the counter, head tilted as he waited to hear whether or not Alex wanted them to go. And the truth was? he didn't. Liked the idea of them coming to pay him company. But only if they stopped whatever it was they were doing back in the living room. Drunk or not? John needed to stop with that shit. At least Aaron had found it funny, but Madison had seemed genuinely alarmed.

"You have to be nice. And be nice to each other. No more moaning, no more sex jokes." Madison nodded, and Alex shrugged past Lafayette to follow him to the living room.

Curled up on his lap on the corner of the couch, pleased at the fact that he fit better than John did. Hummed in pleasure when James wrapped his arms around him, keeping him in place. His boyfriend. His boyfriend to make ridiculous sex noises at, not John's. It took John and Lafayette a minute to join them, no doubt the pair having a conversation about what being nice meant and trying to blame the other one for the fact that Alex had gotten upset. They were ridiculous, ridiculous children like that. But when they did join them, Lafayette settled next to Madison, arm behind his back on the couch. John did his best to return to his previous position, though there was obviously less room and his legs ended up over the couch so that he could keep his head on Laf's lap. 

Mindful of where John's head was, Alex added his feet to the space, sticking out his tongue when Laf raised an eyebrow in response. "I'm getting comfy."

"Please do," Laf teased, "I live to be furniture for bratty children."


	89. Chapter 89

There were certain things that Aaron expected to wake up to. Messages from Alex and Madison? Considering he wasn't in the house, that was normal. The contents? A little less so. Aaron rolled onto his back so that he could respond to James. No, he didn't want to know anything about the violent duo's mating rituals, especially if they involved Alex. Yes, he was aware that John had an Alex impression. They'd slept together for years before Aaron entered the picture and Aaron was pretty sure the only reason they weren't currently doing so was out of respect for James. No, he wouldn't mind if they did. Yes, he understood that James thought it was weird, but really, James needed to look in the mirror.

Then again, James still thought that Aaron and Alex were weird. Which was easier to understand? A sexless relationship that had started out of Aaron's desire to see Alex sober or a sex-centric friendship that seemed to focus on mutual distraction? Or a relationship that had gone from drug dealer to sober companion to lover? No. There wasn't an uncomplicated relationship in Alex's life and Madison was just going to have to learn to roll with it. 

After all, there was little to no chance that someone was going to be able to convince Laurens to behave. Aaron didn't even think Lafayette was up to that task. No, those two seemed more interested in driving each other to further lengths than slowing one another down.

As for Alex's message, that one was a little more difficult to answer, though at least James' text gave him context. Settled for sending Alex a good morning text, promising him that he'd be home either that night or the next day. Stared at his phone a little longer before deciding that the rest of it didn't really need an answer. The fact that Alex thought James would be hot as a lion tamer didn't really affect him and while it was good to know that Lafayette could be threatened without bloodshed, Aaron still wasn't planning on signing his will anytime soon.

Once he was sure that he'd deleted any incriminating text messages from his phone, he climbed out of bed. There was still an hour before he would be expected to leave for church and he planned to spend most of it in the shower. It was the best way to avoid being roped into another breakfast conversation. 

At least they'd gotten his car yesterday before dinner. Grandmother had brought up again the idea of him having an internship, and Aaron had dutifully gone over the possibilities he was considering. His favorite, the only one he was actually interested in, was a position at the library. Yes, he knew that librarians didn't make a lot of money but wasn't greed a sin? Shouldn't he care more about supplying a space for impressionable youth so that they could explore things under an adult's guidance? Care more about opening doors for other people?

Money had always been an interesting dance with Grandfather. Well off, but they lived well below their means. On one hand, Aaron appreciated that it'd taught him self-control. He wasn't Lafayette by any stretch of the imagination, didn't throw around money without second thought. On the other, it had all seemed like a weird tap dance with idealism. Grandfather trying to have his cake and eat it too, unwilling to give up wealth but not wanting to give up his moral superiority either. Apparently investments weren't the same as hoarding wealth.

Not that Aaron could complain considering it meant he wouldn't have to worry too much about money in the future. The trust fund wasn't enough to make it where he didn't have to work at all, it just removed a lot of the associated stress. Meant that as much as his grandfather wanted to push him toward a higher paying field, Aaron could logically operate on less. Especially because he didn't have to worry about passing along wealth to children when passed.

But the conversation had switched from that to other possible internships and in the midst, he'd mentioned how difficult it would be to find a bus route to most of the places she was mentioning. Felt bad playing that card, knew how anxious public transportation made his grandmother. Once upon a time, she'd been a maid. Understood the price of being late, understood what it was like to have things out of her control. Aaron knew it wasn't right to play on bad history. It had, however, stopped him from having to bring up the subject himself.

No, from there it had just been his grandmother with her hands on her hips telling 'Johnny' that of course he needed to go and get a car, preferably before he went back. No wonder he didn't come and see them more often if he had to get a rental every time he considered it. And no grandson of hers was going to have to rely on anybody else to make sure he could get around. Especially to a job.

Didn't Grandfather remember how important it was to be self-sufficient? Didn't he understand that it was part of becoming a man? That last dig had been the final straw before his grandfather had told him to get in the car. Grandmother was right, no son of his was going to stay a boy forever.

Aaron's phone buzzing on the bathroom counter made him groan, brought him back to the present. Quickly he finished the rest of his cleaning, ran a hand over his head trying to figure out how long it would be before he needed to shave again. Soon. Probably should do it, or ask Alex to, before the semester started on Wednesday. Another thing he'd learned from this family. Presentation was everything.

Once he'd gotten a towel wrapped around his waist, Aaron grabbed his phone. Rolled his eyes fondly at Alex's reply. Not to be deterred by a lack of response to his lion tamer comment, Alex had mentioned that really, if they were working at the circus, Aaron would be the ring master. What with his calm domineering and how much he enjoyed being in control. Lafayette and Laurens were clearly clowns then, Aaron responded. Laughed, when his phone lit up again. If Laf and John were the clowns, what was Alex's job supposed to be?


	90. Chapter 90

Alex flickered through the house again. Double checking that everything was tidy. Clothes were in the laundry, dishes cleaned and put up, no outward sign of mess. New flowers on the table, though Alex wouldn't admit they were from Laf unless directly asked. Dinner in the crockpot. Clean, tidy, ready to go. Just like it'd been the last three times he'd walked through.

"You do understand that he was gone for less than 72 hours, not a month, right?" Madison asked from the living room.

The question was enough to stop Alex from going back into the kitchen to make sure that nothing had changed. "Uh huh. Do you think we should make muffins so that we have them for breakfast tomorrow? What are we going to do tomorrow, anyway?"

"Aaron and I need to pick up our books eventually," Mads made a face as he said it. "I'm fine with waiting till a week into classes, if not two- to not have to deal with the lines at the bookstore. But Aaron's probably the type who wants to have his the first day."

"Are classes really starting that soon?" Alex blinked, tried to remember what the date was.

Had never been good at keeping track of that, even when he was in school. That was what calendars and phones were for. But part of him didn't want to believe that it could be that soon. Except, the longer that he thought about it, the more the sense of dread set in. How much of his summer had he wasted being upset at Lafayette? How long had he been seeing Dr. Franklin? There'd been his hip and going to the doctor. He'd started visiting the humane society with John. Volunteering with Maria. He'd thrown the party with Angelica.

Summer was gone. And he wasn't going back to classes. Wouldn't have Aaron and Madison around all day to keep him company either. Other than Angelica, he didn't know anyone who wouldn't be wrapped up in back to school stuff. There would be the first few weeks of the drop period, where classes wouldn't be as consuming most likely. At least, not for John. Madison, Aaron, and Lafayette were all upper classmen? What did he know about their course load? What would happen after that? It was one thing to try and stick together when everyone had classes and everyone had things they needed to study for. Fitting themselves around each other schedules. Another thing entirely to be left behind. 

He was supposed to be using the semester to get his shit together, but what did that even mean? What happened if he couldn't? How would they even know? Would it just be Franklin's word? Sure there had been some upsets recently, and Alex still wasn't great about the whole showering thing- but college students weren't exactly known for their great hygiene. And while he'd gotten upset, he hadn't tried to use drugs? Or hurt himself? He'd been getting out of the house more, too. Why couldn't he just submit the paperwork or do the interview or whatever to try and go back with everyone else?

"Hey," Alex shook his head, startled to realize that James had gotten up. Was walking closer. Smiled when the man reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "It's all going to be alright. He'll be home soon."

That wasn't the current issue, but Alex nodded anyway. Would be a lot more comfortable once Aaron did get home. "Yep. Soon. Muffins? If school is going to start back up, I should make you all muffins. What about those weird little egg cups that you showed me? That way you can grab them on your way out the door to classes. I could even make you little bag lunches? I can be a good little house wife while y'all go out and do your thing. Maybe even learn to sew. Hercules could teach me. I could bake for him in exchange. It'll be great, you all can just pass me around."

Fuck, he was talking too fast for it to be natural and while he could try and claim that was a poorly timed sex joke, it didn't quite have the right tone for it. Especially because it was Hercules he was talking about. Sex jokes about Hercules needed to have the added reassurance that he knew Herc was straight, but that he also was banking on the man experimenting at some time. Angelica sex jokes had to place him as the mystical unicorn in her relationship. Sex jokes with Maria were a big no-no. Eliza would kill him. At least, he was pretty sure something was going on there. Though he still hadn't quite taken her out of the running for some sort of side fling with Laf and John. Point was, he had a system and he'd fucked it up and now James was going to know he was upset.

But James only raised an eyebrow at him. "If you want, we can make muffins later. Let's make sure we know what Aaron's interested in first, though."

Okay. That made sense. They could text Aaron. Unless he was on the road, he'd probably answer soon enough. But that didn't give him anything to do in the meantime. 

Madison pulled him in for a hug, and Alex went willingly. Tucked his face into Mads' neck. Focused on the way the other man was breathing, doing his best to match it. Just like James had walked him through a dozen times before. In-two-three-four. Out-two-three-four. It was comforting. After a few cycles, Madison squeezed him slightly. "So. We still have the house to ourselves for a few hours at least. Aaron will probably text one of us before he starts his voyage back."

"Uh huh." That sounded right at least. 

A kiss to his own shoulder. "Which means we could be as loud as we want. Doesn't that sound like more fun than pacing the house again?"

As loud as they wanted? Alex blinked. Laughed. "You're trying to keep me from cleaning more by offering to fuck me?"

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Deadpan, completely and utterly deadpan. 

Which was honestly better than Madison trying to be sexy. Felt real. Felt like them. "You want to do it over the kitchen table?"

"Aaron'd kill us." Probably. But Aaron wasn't there. "Come on, let me take care of you."

Alright. Alex could do that.


	91. Chapter 91

Church was not as miserable as it could have been.

Smiled. Shook hands with people. Pretended that he remembered who half of them were. Repeated his college plans what felt like two dozen times. Mostly tuned out the preacher, every now and then paying attention enough to have something to comment on if Grandfather asked what his favorite part was. Afterward, they had lunch with two other families, and Aaron made conversation with one of their teenage daughters. Ignored the leering eyes. As if he would go after someone that young.

And after lunch? It was late enough that he could make his apologies. So he texted Madison that he was on his way back. Climbed into his new car and lost himself to NPR interviews with people he wouldn't remember the names of tomorrow.

Stopped to grab dinner along the way, but that was it. He was eager to get back home.

When he finally did pull up, he frowned at the lack of lights on. While it certainly wasn't early in the evening, it wasn't late enough for the darkness. Madison's car was in the driveway which meant that logically, they should be home. Aaron used his key to get through the front door, flicked on the living room light, peeked in the kitchen. His room was empty as well.

Snorted when he looked into Madison's room. James, all but naked on the bed in just his boxers, Alex in the reversed state. Tank top on but bare ass peeking out from where the sheet had moved as they slept. At least it seemed like they'd had a nice afternoon.

Unfortunately, the small amount of noise he'd made was enough to wake up Alex, who blinked up at him sleepily before getting out of bed so that he could embrace Aaron. "Good evening to you, too, Princess."

"Didn't realize you were going to be back tonight." Obviously still half asleep, and Aaron leaned against the wall of the bedroom as he supported Alex's weight.

It probably would have been more considerate to try and guide him out of the room entirely, but the truth was, Aaron was tried too. Didn't want to try and walk that far with Alex wrapped around him. "I texted Madison before I left home."

"I was anxious?" Aaron rubbed at his back, unsure of how else to reassure him that it was okay. To reinforce that such honesty was a good thing. Alex wasn't usually so open, though Aaron was sure part of it had to do with how tired he was. "And I was cooking and cleaning. So he uh, decided to distract me."

There was a sharp burst of pain, almost enough to wake him up, as Aaron bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing. "I'm sure you two had a nice time distracting each other. I take it my absence wasn't too hard?"

The silence lasted a few beats too long for Aaron to feel completely comfortable, but in the end, Alex just nuzzled his neck. "John's not allowed to drink if he wants to keep me company anymore."

Ah. The incident that had caused the interesting text messages that morning. "Was it that bad? I never actually got an explanation of what happened."

"He did his thing again." Because that was specific. "Worse, he called Madison daddy. I don't even call Madison daddy."

"Good to know that there are some things you reserve for me," teasing, because it was hard not to.

From the bed, Madison groaned. "I didn't have a problem with y'all talking- but there are some things I don't need to know."

Aaron's lip twitched. "Too late. If I get to come home and find the two of you clearly fucked out, then you get to hear all the ridiculous pet names we call one another."

"That wasn't fucked out." Alex straightened enough that he could look between them. "Takes a lot more than that to make that happen. Not that I'm turning down round two if you're interested in trying."

Aaron didn't want to try and figure out what it would take to get Alex to that point. Knew he probably wasn't the man for the job. Was glad though, that Madison and Alex were trying to figure things out for themselves. Were making progress. It was a good sign. Aaron knew it had to be a sore spot for Alex that he was having trouble at all. At least with Aaron, Aaron's asexuality was an easy blame. His carefulness as well. But with James, Alex had really had to face the fact that he couldn't do the things that he'd done before.

As much as Aaron had told James that he wouldn't mind a reunion between Alex and John, that was one thing that Aaron worried about. That John wouldn't be that careful. As much as Alex had reassured him that John would never take things too far, there was a difference between listening to a no, and anticipating one. Especially with someone that he'd slept with before. And John hadn't exactly shown a particular sensitivity toward Alex recently.

No. John seemed to consider 'coming back to their friendship' as coming back to where it had been a year ago. Which would have been fine if Alex hadn't of been so traumatized by what happened between there and here. But he was. While Aaron's friendship and the way he viewed both Madison and John had changed drastically after the past year, it was nothing compared to Alex. Who had started out so ready to fight in the beginning, but only seemed interested in fighting himself these days. And while obviously, Aaron wouldn't dream of wishing for the version of Alex who had been on drugs- there were times that Aaron missed that fight. Worried that the internalized battles weren't all good ones.

Were more about tearing himself apart than growing.

"If you're fucking," Madison groused. "Y'all can do it in y'alls room. If you'd like to come back to bed, however, there's room for both of you."

Aaron was curious how Alex would react, shook his head fondly when the man tugged him toward the bed. Stopped just before it, hands at the collar of his shirt and Aaron nodded, gave permission for Alex to undress him. Waited patiently as he undid his belt and went to push down his pants, before huffing when he realized that Aaron hadn't bothered to take off his shoes when he came in. Admittedly, it was unusual, and Aaron laughed when Alex pushed him gently onto the bed. Finished his process when Aaron was left in just his boxers.

Climbed into bed, and Aaron waited until he'd settled, back to Madison's chest, before getting comfortable as well. Kissed the top of Alex's head when the man twisted to use him as a pillow. 

It was good to be home.


	92. Chapter 92

Something soft hit his face, and Alex hissed, snatching it off so that he could glare at whoever was waking him up. Madison only raised an eyebrow. "I thought you might want those. The terrible two are here."

Alex groaned, before rolling so that he could put the boxers on that Madison brought him. "Why are they here?"

"Ah, ma petite, must we sound so ungrateful?" Lafayette poked his head in Mads room, and it occurred to Alex that by 'are here' Madison had literally meant 'waiting outside the door.' "We only wish to go supply shopping."

Supply shopping. Books and paper and pens. A new backpack for John, because his was holding on by a string. What Alex didn't understand is what any of it had to do with him. He wasn't going back yet. But Lafayette seemed intent on including him as he rambled off the list of things they needed to do, obliviously laid across the bed as Alex tried to get dressed. 

They. As in everyone. Madison had already given up protesting that he didn't need to get his books until later, and even Aaron was going along with it. Alex wasn't actually sure what to make of that one. But Aaron sat between Alex and John at the breakfast table, eating his eggs and only occasionally speaking up to add his knowledge to the pile. Suggested splitting up if the bookstore line was that bad- one group could start off there, another could take the other's list of office supplies. 

Lafayette pouted about it for a moment, grousing that it wasn't the bonding time that he'd planned, but ultimately folded. Said that they would still be fine taking one vehicle because Hercules was going to meet them at the bookstore. 

"Laf, have you noticed how many people are here." Alex referenced the table. "There's five of us. That's a tight fit."

Didn't bother offering not to go again. The idea of John, Laf, Aaron and Mads all in one car together was almost painful. Even with whatever weird truce that Laf and Aaron seemed to have come to. 

"As tiny as you all, I am sure you will have no trouble fitting in the back."

Aaron shrugged, as if this should have been an easily accepted fact. It would still be a tight fit, for no other reason than the fact that Lafayette seemed to think they needed to be as together as possible. But could Alex really complain? It wasn't as if he didn't usually prefer to be squished on both sides. 

Somehow they managed to make it to the bookstore without any injuries. Lafayette even asked how Aaron's trip was, received a polished bare bones response. How it was nice to see his grandparents again, that his uncle was unfortunately away on business. Over all, not an exciting trip, just how Aaron preferred. Alex would prod later for more details, understood that even that was probably a lot for Aaron to share with Laf.

Once Hercules had joined them and hugs had been exchanged, they discussed who would be waiting in the hours-long line, and who would be going. The logical way to split things up would have been by household, but no. That didn't mesh with Lafayette's bonding idea. 

"I am just saying that we see our partners enough," Lafayette was leaning slightly against a bookshelf. "I think we should spice things up."

"We're getting school supplies, not swinging." 

Which was probably the wrong thing for Aaron to say, considering the way that Laf wiggled his eyebrows in response. "Naughty, naughty Aaron. Such a mouth on you. Shall you stay here with me so that we can discuss it?"

Alex really didn't want to hear what Aaron would say in response to that. "John, Aaron and I can go to the bookstore."

It was probably the best combination for everyone to make it out alive. John seemed pleased that he'd been picked over Laf to stay with Alex, and he and Aaron got along well enough. Madison and Lafayette were friendly enough, even if Mads didn't know Hercules that well.

But Aaron shook his head. "Take James with you."

"Why do I feel like I've stepped into a dream world," Because really, Aaron offering to stay with Lafayette fell there.

They were going to be lucky if this supply trip didn't end in bloodshed at this rate. But it wasn't Alex's place to argue. He cringed when Aaron passed him his entire wallet, citing that they'd be back before he'd get halfway through the line. Promised to text Alex his list. John snagged the keys from Lafayette, bouncing slightly as he waited for Alex and Madison to hurry up.

Once they were back in the car, Alex tried to figure out what planets had aligned to cause this trip but John just shrugged. Muttered something about Lafayette wanting to prove to Aaron that he could play well with others considering the school year was starting. What that had to do with anything, Alex wasn't sure, but at least it gave Laf some motivation beyond trying to orchestrate an argument.

Madison was less than impressed with the answer though. If Frenchie wanted to prove that he could play well with others, the first step was probably to not be so bossy.

"I don't think he knows how to do that, and I live with him." John pulled into a parking spot, turning off the car before putting his hand on the back of the passenger seat so that he could look back at them. "Pro tip? Ignore him. Or do the weird 'we' shit back at him."

"We shit?" Madison sounded confused, but Alex knew exactly what John was referring to.

"Aaron does it too. We're going to eat lunch now. Why don't we lay down? We're going to clean up now." Aaron would probably be horrified to be compared to Lafayette in that sense, but it was true. "Laf did it this morning when he was calling me ungrateful."

"Must we make a mess," John mocked. "We shouldn't put so much food in our mouth, mon amour."

Alex snickered at the mangled accent. "And to think, you love him."

John rolled his eyes as he got out of the car. "Speak for yourself. Shall we go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was my school the only one with the most ridiculous bookstore lines? like it was literally an all day event unless you went like two weeks or later into the school year.


	93. Chapter 93

Aaron waited for the door to shut behind Alex before turning toward Lafayette. "So what actually inspired this little love fest?"

It wasn't nice of him to say it like that, but he was tired. Had wanted to spend the day in bed with Alex, and possibly Madison considering the weirdness that was his life at the moment. Instead, he'd woken up the sound of Lafayette and Laurens knocking on the door. Promptly ignored the way both of them looked him over, muttering that they were free to help themselves to anything in the kitchen, he was going to get dressed.

"Am I not allowed to want to strengthen our friendship, Aaron?" Strengthen. Friendship. Funny words coming from Lafayette.

Considering he hadn't had coffee yet, it was really too early for this bullshit. "Is something wrong with Alex?"

"I would think you would know that more than I." Lafayette looked at the line ahead of them, referencing it with one hand. "I wished to hurt two birds."

Hurt birds? Aaron opened his mouth to say that this wasn't weekly confessionals when Hercules groaned. "Kill them, not hurt them. And you can't just say that part. Two birds, one stone. Everyone has to get their books, why not do it together?"

"That part, I understood." Sure everyone needed their books, but the point of going with others to get them was to keep each other entertained. Their relationship wasn't exactly one of mutual amusement. "It's the other agenda that I'm questioning." 

"Why is friendship so hard to understand?" Lafayette made a face at Mulligan. "I am using the word correctly, yes?"

Hercules' laughter didn't make Aaron feel any more secure. "Mulligan, please tell me what he's up to. We both know if I ask Alex he's just going to jump on that swinging joke."

"You're the one that took it there." Hercules was getting far too much enjoyment out of this. "And nah, to my knowledge, he's being genuine. It's just good to know he's as bad at making friends now as he was in school."

"Is it my fault when no one will believe me?" Put off, Lafayette was legitimately pouting.

It was extremely disconcerting. "We don't exactly talk beyond Alex. Or I guess Madison now too. Forgive me if I assume this has something to do with at least one of them."

"Maddy is delightful," Lafayette took a step so that he could balance against a new bookshelf as the line moved forward. "And as I said, you know more about little Alex than I. I have not been a liar with my intentions."

It probably wasn't the exact word he was looking for, but Mulligan didn't step up to correct him and Aaron wasn't interested in getting into an English lesson. Wouldn't really know what to say beyond 'it sounds wrong' anyway. "You want to be friends. With me. Because we have so much in common."

Not that he and Alex necessarily had that much in common, but they'd at least had a reason to come together. And what they shared was more important than having the same favorite movie. The point was that Aaron couldn't imagine trying to experience something new just because Lafayette enjoyed it, much less the other way around. Couldn't stop himself from trying to picture it. Aaron and Lafayette sitting on the couch and watching some sort of French classic. Worse, Aaron sitting front row at some sort of MMA fight- that seemed like the type of thing that Laurens and Gil would do on a date.

Hercules' arm was firm around his shoulders. "What's that saying, you know, the one about assumptions."

"The one about the donkey?" Curious, not mocking, Lafayette trying to decipher his friend's meaning, puzzling it out loud. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. "Knock it off, Mulligan."

"I'm just saying, you don't know enough about one another to know you have nothing in common." The arm around his shoulder gave him a squeeze, his only warning that he wouldn't like what was about to come out of Hercules' mouth. "For instance, Alex once shared with me a story about a certain someone going to prom with two girls because he couldn't figure out how to say no to either one."

Why had Alex felt that a relevant story to share with RA, Aaron would never understand. But before he could complain, Hercules was talking again. "And while it wasn't prom, I happen to know that someone else here, managed to not only step on the most popular girl in the school's toes- but tripped all over her at the dance. Even fell into a table. Made quite a fool of himself."

Lafayette crossed his arms, and that was all the confirmation that Aaron needed that Mulligan wasn't pulling his leg. It was hard to imagine that Lafayette had been a teenager. Part of Aaron still assumed he emerged from the womb fully formed as a long-limbed asshole. 

"And what? You think we can bond over our miserable experience with women?" Or dances. He hadn't quite figured out what Mulligan's point was. "No thanks. That's not a conversation I want to have with anyone."

"I'm just pointing out that you don't know as much about Gil as you like to pretend." Hercules dropped his hold on him. "Or me, for that matter. After all, you thought I was part of a gang."

Fuck. Lafayette straightened and Aaron rubbed at his face. "I didn't think you were in it. I just... believed a rumor. Thought you knew people."

"Chill, Gil. I'm not mad at him. We all make mistakes don't we?" Oh god, Hercules was using his patient kindergarten teacher making a point voice. "Sometimes people think they have the full picture, and it turns out they didn't even start with the right information."

Was Mulligan really going to use that against him? Of course, he was. He was going to guilt Aaron into giving Lafayette a second chance. And to think, he'd thought it strange that the two were friends. "Fine. We can get to know each other if only to prove the fact that we have nothing in common beyond Alex. I'll agree to meet up with him Once. He can even choose what we do. But after that, we let my fuck up go?"

Hercules clapped him on the back. "Gladly. You free next Friday?"

When Aaron sighed and nodded, Lafayette grinned. "Then it is a date!"

What had he signed himself up for?


	94. Chapter 94

Aaron, Hercules, and Lafayette had made it through about two-thirds of the line by the time they made it back. 

Which was ridiculous, really, though Alex was glad to see that they hadn't killed each other. When Aaron looked up and made eye contact with him, Alex wiggled out from the arm John had around his waist to go to him. Hummed contentedly when the man wrapped an arm around him protectively. The group probably made quite a sight to any outsiders, but Alex couldn't find it in himself to care. Not even as Madison rubbed his back from behind.

"Was it all that bad?" Gentle teasing.

Thankfully John saved him from having to answer for himself. "Had a bit of a panic attack."

Bit was probably an understatement. It was ridiculous, he hadn't even been buying anything for himself but trying to use Aaron's wallet had felt wrong. Franklin would have told him to pay more attention while he'd been doing the shopping, to check in more regularly. But he'd been so focused on following Aaron's list that he hadn't noticed his escalating heart rate until he'd been hyperventilating. It hadn't helped that John was openly trying to antagonize James the whole time, touching Alex when he could get away with it, asking bizarrely invasive questions about drugs the rest of the time.

Not that John listed that as a reason for Alex's panic. Possibly because he didn't realize. Hadn't been an addict. Didn't understand that even when Alex had been at his worst, he didn't talk that openly about things. The store had been crowded, and John of all people should have realized the risk that someone could be following them. Someone who might call the cops or detain them for just a bit to make their lives hell. On top of other obvious factors, talking about drugs? Even in the 'So I was curious- what is x like' way, was a good way to make sales associates wary of shoplifting. 

Whether because drugs were associated with poverty, thrill seeking, or just general low behavior, Alex didn't know. Didn't care to analyze. Had just wanted to make it out of there in one piece. Instead, James'd had to escort him out of the building so that John could pay for his portion, before switching places so that Madison could grab his and Aaron's while Alex tried to get his breathing back under control outside.

"Does little Alex need to go home?" Lafayette sounded concerned. "I did not wish for you to get upset."

Alex shook his head, stumbled a few steps forward as Aaron moved them. "If someone leaves to take me home, they'll have to come back later to get their books."

Paper, pens, sticky notes? Those they could buy in each other's place. Textbooks, on the other hand, required the person's student id. And Alex wasn't interested in testing out if they could use it without the student in question being present. 

"I already said I'm fine grabbing mine in a few weeks," James said. "Nobody uses them the first few classes anyway. Biggest thing would be making sure Mulligan's cool with driving the rest of them back to our place."

"'s lot a work for nothing." After all, he was fine. 

A little on edge still, but he had his head tucked under Aaron's neck and that was safe enough. And wasn't it kind of like the shower thing? Get upset but not let it make him leave? Learn to cope with the low-level anxiety so that it didn't become actual panic attacks? Building tolerance for distress?

Madison double checked that he was sure and gave his back one last rub before stepping to the side to talk to Lafayette. Alex watched them, trying to not be amused by the height difference, the way Laf slouched. Wondered if it was a conscious thing, didn't think that he did it when talking to him and Alex wasn't that much taller than Mads was. But there he was, leaning back against another bookshelf, slid further down than what would appear casual. And then, when the line moved, he sat on the corner of a table, intent on whatever it was the two were talking about.

A wink from Laf meant his staring had been caught and Alex gave a half-hearted shrug, not willing to be embarrassed. Rolled his shoulders back when he stood up straight, still staying closer to Aaron that necessary. Glad that they went to a liberal campus. Hated that he was anxious enough to even need to reassure himself with that. But how many fights had he picked, coming down from a high, just from looking at the wrong guy, the wrong way? 

Nine months he wouldn't have thought twice about flirting with a man in public. Would have been more pissed at John for risking him getting searched than just anxious about the possibility. 

Alex bounced on his heels, smiled at Aaron when he gave him a concerned look. Being anxious sucked. And it didn't matter that vaguely he knew it wasn't a new problem. Didn't matter that anxiety and the need to do more had led to the drugs in the first place. This was worse. Home was safe. Lafayette and Herc's places were safe. Campus was safe. The last one thought with a lot less conviction. 

Rephrased. Standing with Hercules and Laf and John and Aaron and Mads? That was safe. No one was going to mess with him. No one wanted to mess with them. Everyone was just getting their books. For classes that he wasn't going to.

But that wasn't the point and that wasn't his original anxiety and Alex chewed on the inside of his mouth to keep his brain from going there. It'd be a long day if he just let himself jump from worry to worry. He could talk to Franklin tomorrow about ways to talk to John. Or how they were going about getting him used to campus again. Because there was no way that he was going to risk not being able to come back in the spring. Being left behind again.


	95. Chapter 95

Aaron didn't even have to look up to accept the cup that Madison shoved his way. Alex was right, they were old men with their rituals.

"You never did say how your trip went." 

A statement, not a question. Aaron could easily just nod and move on to a different topic, but he blew on his tea instead. "As well as spending the weekend with someone who doesn't realize they hate everything you are could go."

Madison sighed. "Maybe if he knew he wouldn't be so vocal with his hate."

"Thank you for not pretending like me coming out of the closet would turn him into an entirely new person." Though, he was a little less thankful about the idea that he should come out knowing how his grandfather felt. Ah yes, being out might make his grandfather marginally less of a bigot, and turn that 'doesn't realize he hates me' into open disgust. Or worse, bartering. "What about you?"

"Our weekend was fine." Collective, even though Alex wasn't there. "But I think you already knew that."

Mm. "Not what I was asking. Your mom know about us? That you're dating a boy? Much less a boy with a boyfriend?"

No immediate answer. Didn't think so. Aaron glanced around the kitchen, at all of Alex's hard work. Thought about getting up to check that they had things to make muffins, vaguely remembered Alex saying something about making them. But Madison finally spoke up. "Dad doesn't know. Mama thinks I should date you."

Aaron froze, unsure of how to process what had been said. 

"Mama doesn't think it's right to sleep in someone's bed if uh, they aren't your partner," Madison explained. "She can be real traditional that way."

Traditional. Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose. "You told your mother that you slept in my bed? Please tell me that you didn't tell her about the night after Angelica's."

If Madison's complexion would have shown it, Aaron didn't doubt that he'd have a blush up to his ears. "Hardly. I do tell Mama a lot, but I wouldn't..."

"So your traditional mother, who knows we've slept together but not that we've slept together," It was probably petty to enjoy how uncomfortable Madison looked. "has an issue with you taking a nap in another man's bed, but not one with dating two men? Or dating one man who is dating two men?"

"That one she's not sure how she feels about, but says it's between you and Alex." Madison gestured weakly. "I think it's another reason for trying to push it."

Push it. That implied that it had been more than a passing comment. "No offense, but your mother is an interesting person."

"Her brother's gay." Which helped explain why she didn't have an issue with the male part, but still, most traditional people didn't push their sons toward polyamory. "Do you think people can tell? Mama said she'd known all along when I told her about Alex, but I think that's probably a mom thing?"

Was James really trying to talk to him about family? Aaron hadn't exactly had a 'traditional' upbringing himself. "I'd be horrified to know that my grandfather knows and is just choosing to pretend he doesn't. So for peace of mind, I'll say they can't."

"Feel that way about Dad." Madison made a face and lowered his voice, "I don't care about what people do in the bedroom, so long as they keep it there. Why do they have to shove it in our faces?"

Aaron shifted in his seat, stared at his tea. Before he could come up with something to say Madison was speaking normally again, "Mama always corrects him. And he's gotten better, especially since my uncle came out. But I still don't think he'd like Alex too much. That's part of the reason I'm waiting to tell him. Hate to come out if it's not going to last."

Suddenly, Aaron found himself glad that Alex had gone home with John and Laf. This wasn't a conversation that he needed to hear, definitely wouldn't appreciate. "You don't think you two are going to last?"

Madison glanced toward the ceiling and instinctively Aaron found himself counting, repressed a snort when on ten the man looked back at him. "Alex had more time to try and juggle two partners this summer. But with classes going back in?"

Insecure. James was actually insecure and Aaron didn't know what to think about that. "Alex adores you."

"I'm happy to enjoy the time I have with him," which wasn't quite acknowledging what Aaron had said. "But I also don't want to be Laurens one day. Bitter because I mistakenly thought I'd been promised forever or possessive over something that isn't mine anymore. Though, who knows, it seems to be working for him."

"You're worried that Alex is going to go back to Laurens?" At least, that was the vibe Aaron was getting, though truth be told he wasn't entirely following Madison's train of thought.

Which was apparently frustrating to James, if the way he was bouncing his leg meant anything. "I think if I were to show my ass in public as much as John does, Alex would have nothing to do with me. Asshole spent half the morning alternating molesting Alex and asking me what doing Acid is like. Then he moved on to Adderall, which probably wasn't intended as a stab at Alex, but definitely had something to do with Alex's panic attack."

And Aaron had let Alex go home with him. Except, no. Aaron had not let Alex do anything. Alex had clearly been anxious, and Lafayette had asked if he wanted to go for a run. That was all. And John's apparent inability to consider whether or not his behavior would have consequences had nothing to do with it. "Alex probably still feels badly about what he said. If you're bothered by John, though- I can talk to him about laying off on the handsy thing."

Aaron didn't actually think trying to police the man's behavior in any other way would go over well. But as the Boyfriend that Laurens approved of? He'd have a lot easier time pulling the Jealous Boyfriend card and asking John to keep his hands to himself. 

Madison rubbed at his face, clearly tired despite it not yet being evening. "I'm just picturing explaining this one to Mama. 'Yes, ma'am, Alex is now dating three men. and none of us are dating each other, though one his boyfriend's does have a boyfriend. Also, the new boyfriend hates me for reasons I'm not going to tell you- and new boyfriend's boyfriend doesn't get along with his first boyfriend. We're a great big happy family.' "

It was probably wrong to say it, especially when Madison was so clearly trying to figure out the mess that was Alex's interpersonal life, but it was too rich of a chance to miss. "Imagine what you're going to tell her when Gilbert and I go on our date next Friday?"


	96. Chapter 96

Alex pulled on the rough carpet under his fingertips. "I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do."

About school starting. About John. About his life plan in general. Ever oblivious to how it might bother him, looking to fill the silence with appropriate topics, John and Lafayette had talked about the upcoming year. 

Or rather, Alex had listened to John muttering about privileged rich kids who could afford to entirely fuck up their four-year plan. Apparently over the weekend, Laf had dropped all of his classes and refilled his schedule with any filler classes he could find a seat in. Laf, on the other hand, argued that they weren't filler classes, he was simply trying to broaden his understanding of American Culture. 

Besides, taking a film class meant more movie nights, and wasn't that a wonderful thing? Laf had looked at him for approval when he'd said it and Alex hadn't had the heart to tell him that the type of films he'd be studying weren't exactly Alex's romcoms. Though the look John sent him meant he knew.

Franklin reached up so that he could grab a fidget off his desk before passing it to Alex. "I'm afraid you're going to need to be more specific if you'd like me to help."

Alex hadn't actually met Theo, Aaron's therapist, but he had shown him pictures of her. She didn't seem like the kind of woman who would sit on the floor just because a client did, and Alex found himself grateful that Franklin was as 'go with the flow' as he was. The fidget that the man tossed him was one of the snake-like ones, and he twisted it around in his hands as he tried to come up with a more specific answer than 'about anything.'

Thankfully, Franklin was good at playing the guessing game. "If I'm not mistaken the university goes back in session this week. Is that part of it?"

Alex nodded and Franklin probed further. "Are you worried about that? About what you're going to do while everyone else is in classes?"

That time, Alex shrugged. "What do you do during the day now?"

"Depends." And then, because that wasn't really an answer, "Sometimes I go with Maria to the shelter? Argue with people online. Bake. Clean? Bug Aaron and Madison. Go on runs with Laf? Play with dogs with John. Work on our stuff."

What he wasn't going to tell Ben was that he'd recently taken to jerking off in the shower. Because really? What better way to create nice memories in it and take it from a neutral space to a positive one? That things with Madison were still slow going, Alex unwilling to push too far. Didn't want to risk freaking out again and making James feel worse. Not that what they had done hadn't been enjoyable, because it had been. 

Just not what he'd been used to before. But maybe that was a good thing? Figuring out their relationship together rather than just following a script. After all, it wasn't as if his other relationships had been particularly successful. So what if they were going more the speed of teenagers?

Other than that, he'd been trying out some of the different coping skills that Ben had asked him to. Between intricate coloring pages (fun, though he wasn't sure they helped so much as they were a good distraction), meditation (an utter fail that made Alex want to beat his head against the wall), journaling (which sounded like a good idea in theory, but things didn't tend to end well when his mind was allowed to wander without direction.), and even practicing the breathing exercises.

"Have you talked with Maria and John about whether or not you'll keep doing those things during the year?"

No. Franklin made him promise that he would. That he needed to try and create a schedule, especially once he found out his housemate's schedules. The important thing was to try and stay productive rather than letting himself slump into a depression. Did Alex want to make a to-do list? That way he could see visual proof that he was making progress? Franklin grabbed a notepad and pen so that they could work on making one, with the comment that Alex didn't need to take it as law. If there was something on the list he wanted to change his mind about later, that was okay. And if seeing something on the list distressed him, he needed to create a new list without it on there.

By the time he was finished with therapy, he was on edge again. Hated that. Knew that in general therapy was doing a good thing, knew he'd be in a worse place without Franklin. But it didn't change the fact that he felt like he was going to come out of his skin 75% of the time that he left the building. Aaron met him in the waiting room, took one look at him and sighed.

And Alex hated that too. Hated that he telegraphed his every emotion. Missed hiding behind sarcasm and bite. Couldn't imagine going back to that in the same breath. Being so angry all the time.

"Do you want me to call Gil? Ask if he wants to go on a run?"

Alex shook his head. He wasn't actually sure his legs could handle it, not with the slow ache that burned at the sides of his consciousness. Wished that it was enough to quieten the bees underneath his skin. It was nice of Aaron to offer though, told him as such. Rolled his eyes when the man acted like it was nothing. 

Aaron climbed into the front seat of his car, and Alex took the hint and broke away to get in on his side. "Do you think you can eat?"

Considering the way his veins were vibrating, probably not. Aaron drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "I know before the cold helped, but the weather isn't going to play in our favor there for a few more months. Not unless you want to take a cold shower, which, you probably don't."

No, Alex didn't particularly want to do that. "Can we just go home and nap?"

"Let me grab something to eat on the way home and then yeah, we can go take a nap."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think one of my favorite things that has come from writing about the college process- is learning how much of a disaster my college was compared to some of y'alls. I swear all the little details about the going back to school process, or how dorms work are from experience. my school was just uh... struggling. then again we literally had a major for making beer and another one about the history of the specific area that we lived in. For a final, I once made corn husk dolls. oh college.


	97. Chapter 97

Wednesday itself came much too soon. 

Aaron's first class of the day didn't start till 10 AM thankfully, and he was out by 10:30. Considered stopping by the women's center before talking himself out of it. As much as he'd love to see a few people, most likely they wouldn't be there. Instead, he texted James, fiddling with his phone as he waited for a response. Made his way toward the small cafe on campus once he received one. Nursed a coffee near the door when he got there.

Part of him had been tempted to go home. Check on Alex. But Alex had seemed fine that morning, had even brought him breakfast in bed before shooing him out the door. The day before they'd gone back to the office supply store to grab a giant magnetic dry erase calendar for the fridge and Aaron and Madison had both written down their class schedules on it. Aaron's in red, James' in blue. A third, green, magnetic was left on the fridge for Alex to use once he figured out his schedule with Maria.

When. Not if. Despite Alex's waffling on asking her. Something about not being sure if she was even going to keep coming with school in session, and if so, maybe she wanted the time to unwind by herself. Madison had tried to point out that most people didn't volunteer to unwind, but it'd gone over Alex's head. Which was fine. Either Maria would contact him, Alex would calm back down, or if push came to shove, Aaron could talk to Hercules about it.

James dropped his stuff in the seat across from him at the table and Aaron nodded his head in greeting. Waited for him to come back with his own drink before speaking. "Alex is still alright?"

Which, of course, James found less than impressive. "You left an hour ago. The house has not burned down in the time."

Because that was Aaron's concern. The sanctity of his deposit. "I was just expecting more kick back, not a kiss and 'see you this afternoon'"

"You really thought Mutt was going to show his ass over you going back to classes?" Incredulous. And if his tone didn't make it clear how ridiculous he thought Aaron was being, his face did.

But Aaron didn't think he was being ridiculous at all. Considering Alex had flat out admitted, even before everything happened with Jefferson, that he didn't do well alone. And while they hadn't talked about it much, Aaron was also aware of how much Alex staked his identity on his intelligence. As much as he didn't think their boyfriend would blame them for being students, emotions weren't always rational.

"As you put it, you're surprised whenever we go four hours without touching. Sorry if I'm not ready to put it to the test."

If Madison rolled his eyes any more, they were going to roll straight out of his head. "He did fine when you went to see your grandparents. You'll still see each other each day. Not to mention, the fact that we don't all have classes at the same time."

All. It took a moment for Aaron to realize that Madison was including Laurens and Gil. Maybe even Hercules and Maria. "Speaking of which, are you free next Friday?"

"Why, you asking me on a date?" At least one of them found his situation amusing.

Aaron downed the rest of his coffee, cringed slightly at the taste. "I think we both know I'm spoken for. That evening at least. I was thinking you could maybe take Alex out? I don't want him to know about the thing with Gil."

He was unsure of what would be worse, the teasing if it went well or Alex getting his hopes up if it went poorly. Either way, he'd been expecting an easy yes from Madison. A date night without Aaron would do the two of them good. But James didn't immediately respond, just looked at him, silently measuring him up. "You really wouldn't mind if something happened between Alex and either of them?"

"Am I a sap if I say as long as he's happy I'm fine with it?" Not that he'd be thrilled if Alex chose to pursue Lafayette. But Laf did seem determined to show that he could play ball, so to speak. It was almost disconcerting. 

Instead of teasing him, Madison drummed his fingers on the table, eyes darting around the room. "What if I invited Laurens over while you're hanging out with Lafayette?"

Since when did Madison need his permission to do anything? Especially something as basic as having someone they'd already had over. It wasn't as if John was a stranger."I've told Alex this, didn't think I needed to tell you. But you're free to have anyone you want over."

"Please," James stressed the word. "Connect the last two points and don't make me spell it out."

Last two points? Inviting over Laurens. Would Aaron be fine- Oh. Aaron wasn't aware they got along well enough for that. "You sure you want to do that?"

"Call it bonding." The joke fell flat and Madison rubbed his face briefly. "I mean? I don't know. Considering how touchy he is, I can't imagine it's something that John hasn't thought of and they were together for a long time right?"

Aaron nodded and James stared down at his drink before looking back up at him. "Sometimes it annoys him but Alex doesn't exactly freak out when John touches him."

"You know that isn't anything against you, right?" They had enough complexes in the house without there being additional ones there.

It was slow, but James nodded. "I think he psyches himself out? Worrying because I'm uh, new to things. And I figured things went well with you that time? Maybe having someone else who he's been with before would help."

It was logic that Aaron wasn't going to argue with. Though it did bring up the question of whether or not Madison planned on letting John in on his plan or attempt to make things happen more organically. Seduction didn't exactly seem James' style, though Aaron would pay top dollar for ringside seats if that was what he was going to try.


	98. Chapter 98

Alex stared at the calendar, trying not to feel like it was taunting him.

Madison had left less than an hour ago, with half a comment about meeting Aaron for a quick lunch. Which was good. Alex was glad to see them choosing to spend time together outside of the house and away from them. Maybe it would help them realize that this didn't have to be a 'v' relationship. That they could all be good for each other. But believing that it'd be good for their relationship didn't stop Alex from being anxious.

Neither Aaron or Madison would be home before 4:30, maybe 5 on Wednesday nights. Knew he could probably count on them coming home early today because first classes didn't tend to run the full time, but that still left him with four hours to himself. The to-do list that Franklin had him make was hiding in the bedroom and Alex was too lazy to get up and go get it.

That was it. Laziness. The real reason why he wasn't looking at it.

Not because it was intimidating or anything. Because it was a list. And it would be ridiculous to be anxious about seeing it.

Which was why he was going to do laundry instead of looking for the list. Looking took energy and didn't guarantee an outcome. At least getting a load of laundry done would take up over an hour. And Alex could use it to get kisses. Not that he actually needed a reason to ask either of his partners to kiss him, but having earned it was always nice.

The only problem with his plan was that while it did take that long to get the entire load of laundry done, there was still downtime in the middle as he waited for what was in the washer to need to go in the dryer, and then there'd be another down period between that and folding everything. Without anything else to do, he jumped up on the washing machine, trying not to feel like a naughty housewife as he sent a snap to James complaining about being bored.

Was surprised to get one in response. Madison's shoe, apparently texting under his desk. Part of Alex wanted to tease him because Mads apparently hadn't learned yet that there was a chat portion, but mostly he found it endearing. Responded that no, he hadn't texted Maria yet. Yes, he knew he was being ridiculous. No, that would not make him text her.

It didn't help that he didn't actually know how Maria felt about him. There were signs that she liked him, of course. She hadn't exactly protested when it was suggested that he volunteer with her. But what if that had just been because she needed another set of hands to deal with the backlog? They'd managed most of that already. Scanning in the new digital files would go slower without him, but him being there only sped things up a little bit. After all, it wasn't as if there were two scanners. All it did was save Maria from having to both physically scan files and then digitally rename and sort them.

And she'd helped him with Aaron, but she also liked Aaron. As much as Alex enjoyed Angelica's company, he didn't exactly think she wanted to be bosom buddies with him, and he didn't think the it was safe to assume that of Maria either. Didn't want to overstay his welcome during time she'd set aside for herself. Just because Alex didn't enjoy being alone didn't mean everyone needed constant companionship.

Alex groaned at Madison's next message. No. He didn't want Aaron or Mads to talk to her for him. He wasn't a small child who needed his parents to set up his play dates. Besides, Herc would probably have one of his get-togethers again soon enough. The idea of talking to her about it in person was a lot less nerve-wracking than pestering her. At least then he could have it come up organically.

Thankfully the next message changed the subject and Alex read it twice to make sure that he'd understood it.

Did Alex want to go on a date next Friday? And if that part wasn't out of the norm on its own, the second message definitely threw him for a loop. While he hadn't necessarily expected Madison to actually ask him on a 'real' date, there were certain things that Alex would generally put under that header for Mads. Traditional things. Like dinner and a movie, or going for a walk in the park, maybe even a picnic if he was trying to cater to Alex's tastes. Alex wouldn't have even been shocked if Mads wanted to go to the humane shelter or the pet store. That seemed like his sense of humor.

Lazer tag, on the other hand, felt more like something that Lafayette would have come up with. Something meant to get the blood pumping, maybe even throw in a little friendly competition.

A third message. Madison apparently anxious about his lack of response. Saying it was just a suggestion. Alex bounced in place before responding that he'd love it. Asked if Aaron would be coming along. Raised an eyebrow when Madison said that them going on a date had been Aaron's idea.

Wasn't that sweet of him? Maybe if they were actually going to start doing dates, Alex could do something for Aaron and Mads? Everyone's reluctance about him picking up an actual job, which probably went double for him writing papers again, meant that he was limited. But if nothing else, maybe a nice candle light dinner? He'd been cooking with Madison enough recently to have the basic concepts of it down and he'd always been a fast learner.

It was an idea he chewed on while taking the wet clothes from the washer and tossing them into the dryer. Was still turning over when he started folding them. Felt set enough on it that he went to the kitchen and snagged the markers off of the fridge. Carefully wrote out the word 'Date Night' twice, first in alternating green and blue on the block for the following Friday and then in a mix of all three colors on Sunday. Didn't feel comfortable setting it out much further than that, not knowing what Madison's work schedule would be.


	99. Chapter 99

Tuesdays and Thursdays at least wouldn't be that bad in terms of worrying about Alex.

Where both Monday and Wednesday afternoons would have him entirely alone, Madison and Aaron seemed to have reverse schedules the rest of the week. Aaron's two classes were over by one thirty, Madison's first class of the day not starting until two. Which would mean that other than the mornings that Madison worked, at least one of them would be in the house for most of the day. It hadn't been intentional by any means, but it did take the edge off of Aaron's anxiety.

"Alex?" Madison's car had been gone when Aaron pulled up, and considering he could see the tv flickering through the window, he'd expected to find his boyfriend in the living room.

Frowned slightly at the empty space, though thankfully Alex stuck his head out from the kitchen. "I'm making a mess."

Of course, he was. "What kind of mess?"

"A yummy mess? Hopefully?" Because that was so descriptive, Aaron followed the sight of Alex's retreating back.

Glanced toward the ceiling and counted to ten when he got there. The entire kitchen was a wreck. "Why?"

"We're going to Herc's tomorrow, right?"

Actually, Aaron had turned down that offer. Hadn't wanted to rub it in Alex's face that everyone else had gone back to school. But if Alex wanted to go, he was pretty sure that the man wouldn't have an issue with them turning around on the issue. However, going didn't mean that Alex needed to feed an entire army. Aaron hadn't seen a kitchen space so destroyed or this amount of baked goods, since the morning Alex texted him at 3 am asking about frosting.

That reminder made Aaron step back, searching for some sign that Alex was less than okay. Mostly he seemed a strange mix of sheepish and proud. "I wanted to make something for people to take home? I made Angelica lemon cupcakes, Herc triple chocolate cookies, Maria a couple of mini cherry pies, and Eliza a batch of spice cookies."

Yes. Aaron could see all that. "You mean you're going to make something for both Angelica and Eliza, and Mulligan and Maria- Peggy's sisters and her roommates. Then not make anything for her?"

"Herc hasn't responded to my text with what she'd like yet." At least Alex hadn't simply forgotten her. "And Maria's response was jello shots and Laf has class so I can't ask him to go by the liquor store. And Mads would probably be upset if I used his." 

Aaron hadn't even realized James had liquor in the house. Whatever, he was an adult. "Speaking of Madison, I'm going to assume he helped make part of this mess?"

"It's not that bad." 

Aaron only raised an eyebrow, slowly looking between the various messes in the kitchen. The table that was completely covered in various baked good, which might have been fine if it'd been done neatly. Instead of plates or everything being in some sort of Tupperware, there seemed to be different baking sheets and pans scattered across the surface. The counters were covered in various ingredients and mixing bowls, and the sink was filled with them as well.

And Alex? Alex was covered in flour and appeared to have some sort of frosting on his cheek. "Uh huh. Since it's not so bad, you won't mind cleaning it up by yourself."

That earned him a pout, but Aaron shook his head. "Alex. Start off by rinsing what is in the sink and putting it in the dishwasher."

For a moment he thought Alex might argue with him, but then Alex brightened. "Is this going to be one of those things? Where you boss me around and then tell me how good I am?"

He'd only intended to give Alex a bit of advice on the best place to start, but if that would make Alex happy, Aaron wasn't exactly going to argue. Especially because Madison wasn't around to tell them how weird they were being. "If you're extra good I'll even let you pick what I make for dinner."

Aaron watched as his ridiculous boyfriend turned went to wash what was in the sink. Pulled out a seat from the table so that he could sit and text while Alex cleaned, reaching out to Angelica to see if maybe she could give a reasonable suggestion for something Peggy might like. Every now and then he gave Alex a new set of directions until finally, all the baked goods were put away in the fridge or properly wrapped and on the counter in a tidy pile and the rest of the kitchen was cleaned.

"Look at my good boy-" Aaron grabbed a paper towel and wet it, focusing on cleaning off Alex's face. "My absolute mess of a good boy. What do you want for dinner?"

Alex shrugged. "Can I trade picking for you feeding me?"

Madison was going to call them weird, but Aaron didn't mind it that much. "If it pleases you."

"You'd draw the line at me kneeling for that, wouldn't you?"

Aaron glanced toward the ceiling again. "I don't think Madison would appreciate it. Besides, we should probably have a rule about sex things and the kitchen."

"Feeding isn't sex." Even Alex seemed to realize that was a weak argument. "And really? Are you really going to make rules around where me and Madison have sex? What's the point of having a solid kitchen table if I can't be bent over it?"

"I did not pick out the furniture based on whether or not you'd enjoy having sex on it." At all. That had not crossed his mind at all. But Alex was still pouting and Aaron sighed, giving in slightly. "I'm not changing my mind on the kneeling. But you have to promise that if you have sex in the kitchen, you clean up after yourself. Anywhere that bare skin or fluids of any kind touches needs to be sanitized."

Alex nodded, looking overly serious. "Yes, Sir. Anything I touch with my cock or ass has to be cleaned. Properly. Not with my tongue."

He was a ridiculous mess of a boyfriend, but he was Aaron's ridiculous mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety baking is great because then people compliment you on the end game of it? Also I don't know what you're talking about I have never tried to win over people with baked goods. >> Never.


	100. Chapter 100

Madison wouldn't appreciate it his ass.

Alex shifted on his knees, pleased as James popped a piece of muffin in his mouth. Watching him with apparent curiosity. Aaron, though ace, had a more solid sense of what he liked and what he didn't. And even if what Alex had been through meant he was ridiculously hesitant, it didn't change the fact that he'd apparently had some sort of experience. Hadn't had an issue back at the cabin going over his preferences.

But Madison? Was still trying to figure himself out.

When Aaron had left for his Friday morning class, Alex had crawled into bed with Madison. Expected to curl up and sleep for a while longer. Instead, James stroked his hair, still half asleep as he asked what Alex got out of being fed by Aaron the night before. The question had made Alex wrinkle his nose in thought, trying to figure out how to answer it. Settled for saying that, much like with showering together, he enjoyed the ritual of it. The tenderness. The minor exchange of power. And well, Mads had asked if Alex would want the same from him.

And Madison? Didn't have a single issue about him being on his knees in the kitchen.

Maybe Alex could convince Aaron that they could both top him and Madison wouldn't find it that weird.

"You have everything ready for tonight, Mutt?"

Alex nodded. Swallowed the bite he'd been given. "Aaron made sure I had something made for Peggy before I went to sleep."

Madison hummed slightly, wiping his fingers off on his pants. "You're going to make everyone chubby if you keep this up all semester."

"Good." There wasn't a single thing wrong with that. "Everyone will be extra cute and filled with happiness from the baked goods."

And if people wanted him to, he could figure out healthier substitutes. Vaguely he felt like there was something about using applesauce or yogurt in some recipes, though there were probably other components that could be changed too. So long as he got to keep baking, Alex didn't mind.

"You're ridiculous," Mads held out a spoonful of his yogurt, and Alex accepted it, sucking it clean before releasing it with a pop. "You worried? I know that last time things apparently got a bit weird."

Just a little bit. "I love John? I really do. Why his new favorite hobby is getting drunk and pretending to be fucked by my boyfriends is beyond me, though."

"Is it really that shocking?" Madison sounded as if didn't strike him odd at all. "Didn't he try and get Aaron to punch him the first time they met? I feel like moaning our names is at least a step above that."

So John could be a bit fighty. Mads patted his thigh and Alex shuffled closer so that he could rest his cheek against the threads of Mads' jeans. Enjoyed the way the man stroked his hair. Focused on taking the moment in because in a few hours? They would all be on their way to Herc's where there would be so many people, most of them complaining about going back to classes. And as much as Alex wanted to go, wanted to see everyone, he also knew it would take a lot out of him.

"He wouldn't like it if I sat in Lafayette's lap and did the same thing." Neither would Aaron, for that matter. It also probably wouldn't be nearly as amusing for the people around them. John didn't whine the same way Alex did. No, he had always stayed quiet, maybe the occasional grunting or teasing if he was feeling particularly vocal.

Alex tipped his head back, following the tug as Madison pulled on his hair. "It'll be fine, Mutt. You two are still figuring out how to be friends again. Isn't this better than walking on eggshells?"

While Alex was used to Mads being the reasonable one, it was still weird to hear him defend John. "Are you coming tonight?"

"Probably not. I have some reading I need to get done for classes next week."

That was a weak excuse. Even if Madison did by chance have a class that had homework already, it was unlikely to be more than what he could manage over the weekend. But then again, other than Laf, there wasn't really anyone at the party that Madison got along with and didn't also see at home seven days a week. And if there was work to be done? Alex didn't want it to get in the way of his date night plans for Sunday. He'd already texted John to see if he minded taking him to the store Sunday morning so that he could grab a few things. And Aaron and Madison had agreed to stay out of the house during the afternoon so that Alex could surprise them.

He could only hope that it would be worth all the fanfare in the end. Didn't want to disappoint either of them.

Another tug to his hair. "Do you want to stay down there? I can't imagine it feels nice on your knees."

No. There was probably a trick to staying on his knees for long periods of time without them aching, but he didn't quite have the experience to know it. And at the same time, part of him was still just pleased to be allowed to do it, didn't want to get up just yet. When he didn't respond, Madison hummed, running his fingers through his hair. "Do you want your hair braided for tonight?"

"Need to wash it first." Not that he really wanted to get in the shower, but he probably should.

"I know I'm not Aaron, but I could help with that?" Madison tapped his nose. "Where do you think making out in the shower falls? Above or below kissing in the rain?"

Alex snorted, even as he finally pushed himself to his feet, trying to ignore the way that his knees protested. "A little below on the romance scale."

"Hm," Madison seemed to consider it. "What if we light candles? Candles are pretty romantic, right?"


	101. Chapter 101

"Point made," Aaron said as he dropped his backpack off by the door.

Madison gave him a weird look, but Alex, from his place on the floor, grinned up at him. Definitely intentional. "Do we need to get you a pillow or something? Since you're so determined to be on your knees."

"Could get him a doggie bed." James ruffled Alex's hair, sending small water droplets flying when he did. "Though if we go there we should probably get him a collar and leash first."

Message definitely received. What had Alex done, complained that Aaron thought Madison wasn't comfortable with Alex's submissive side? And if so, did that mean that Alex was anxious about Aaron not accepting him for who he was again? Aaron looked Alex over, searching for any sign that he was anxious as he knelt to the side of James' legs, came up with nothing. If anything, he looked content. "Please don't give him ideas."

"Too late." Of course, it was. "What time is Herc expecting us?"

Not for a few hours, at least. "You have plenty of time to finish... Whatever it is you're doing right now. I'd ask if you need privacy, but there are bedrooms for that."

"Aaron has something against the best kinds of sex," Alex was leaning back, voice hushed as if he was sharing a secret. "He tried to say we weren't allowed to have sex in the kitchen. He did at least give in and say that if we did, we have to clean up after ourselves."

"Aaron," Talking about himself in the third person was weird, "just wants to make sure that we keep things sanitary. We do occasionally have guests, you know. Laurens would probably rather not eat where your bare ass has been."

There was a spark of amusement on Alex's face, and Aaron caught on five seconds too late to stop him. "Considering John's eaten that ass, I don't think he'd mind that much."

He'd walked himself right into that one. "Ate. I think. Not eaten. And not the point. If I ever have Angelica over, she is not risking second-hand exposure to your junk. In any room of the house. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that if you have sex somewhere that isn't the bed, you need to clean up."

"Define sex." That he would have expected from Alex, not James, but when Aaron gave him a look the man shrugged. "I'm just wondering whether or not we need to clean the shower now."

Aaron counted down from five. Considered saying yes just to be contrary. Chances were if they'd actually made a mess that the shower itself wouldn't clean, James wouldn't be asking, though. Did Aaron really want to discourage anything that got Alex to willingly take a shower? "I'm going to go take a nap."

Or at least, that had been the plan. Let them have time to do whatever it was they'd been up to before he came home, give him a chance to catch an hour or two of sleep before heading over to Mulligan's. But before he'd had the chance to actually get to sleep, Alex followed, flopping across the bed. "I love you."

Ridiculous brat. "Love you too, little bird."

The nickname at least got a snicker out of Alex, who scootched up so that he could rest his head against Aaron's chest. "How was class?"

"Fine." Realizing that it might have come off a little short, Aaron tried to come up with a more complete answer. "We got our syllabus on Wednesday, so we had our first real class today. Glad I was able to get a fair amount of the reading done ahead of time. We've got papers due at least once a month. And I have film reviews due just as often, though that class only meets on Mondays and Wednesdays thankfully."

"Mads doesn't have any Friday classes, I don't think." 

Aaron shook his head. "There are two things James dislikes. Morning classes and Fridays. Though he's paying for it with back to back to back classes Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's going to mean a lot of late dinners if you two are going to keep to your family meal time plan."

"'snot so bad." Alex's chin dug into his chest. "Especially if it keeps us all together."

Together. Alex seemed to be determined that it was the way that they all needed to be. Gilbert might have meant it as a joke, but he was quite the little housewife when he wanted. Though Aaron didn't doubt that part of it was anxiety. Alex trying to prove his worth. Trying to keep his hands busy. Hadn't Alex made that point clear when they first met? That he didn't trust people to stick around if they weren't using him for something.

Aaron would hope he'd proven that wrong, but he wasn't so sure that he had. 

"Stop thinking." Aaron raised an eyebrow and Alex huffed. "You're digging your fingers into my back. Not that I mind, but-"

Doing his best to be deadpan, Aaron said "But you'd prefer your ass?"

That earned him a laugh. "I mean, I'll take your hands anywhere. I don't even know what you could be overthinking this time, but you do have a tendency for it."

"Ah, yes. I was second guessing your baked good choices actually. Are we sure that pies are the right choice for Maria? And those spiced cookies for Eliza?"

Diversion. Most likely an obvious one, but Alex took the bait without complaint. "Maria and I sometimes get coffee after we volunteer? And the little shop as tiny pies there and she thinks they're super cute. I can't do fancy little designs, but I still think she'll like them. and Maria said that Eliza really likes chai. So I thought that it would be nice?"

"Very nice." It really was thoughtful of him. "Though you do understand that you don't need to bake that much every week- right?"

"Uh huh," Alex's cheek rubbed against his shirt, causing the fabric to scratch lightly. "I just wanted to. It's... nice? Knowing that you accomplished something? And hearing how great it is. And no one ever complains about getting desserts."

"No, they usually don't." Silence. Aaron allowed his eyes to shut again. "Can we sleep now? I really was trying to take a nap."

Part of him expected Alex to get up, go back to Madison. Instead, he intertwined their legs, shifting so that he was more comfortable. "Nap sounds good to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I literally looked up majors at my old college (and then... decided to do a different college because college obviously was an interesting time for me and it wasn't helping my mood to be on their website.) but oh my god for their English major(and probably.. for other majors now.) You literally have to have to take multiple "Liberal Experience" classes and I am almost terrified to further look into what that means.
> 
> My "Freshman Experience" class was an interdisciplinary class about generations- generational thinking, the way the global climate at different times caused different things to happen, the things that influence generations and what they do and don't have in common.
> 
> and while we had multiple classes to pick from (there were about 6 choices I think) this was still somehow... apparently a necessary experience for Freshmen and transfer students. It was up at Hogwarts. (.... I went to school in the mountains, y'all. It was a large, strange looking building up a mountain by itself.)
> 
> I just.... are all colleges so weird? All I wanted was to have specific classes I could have Aaron mention.
> 
> also figuring out Madison's schedule gave me flashbacks to the time I had a nutrition class that literally didn't end until after 7. Not my favorite class by any means.


	102. Chapter 102

"You're horrible, you realize that right?"

Eliza swatted at Maria's thigh. "Be nice."

"It's not my fault he's the worst." Another swat and Maria sighed loudly. "Fine, he's not the worst. Just pretty close."

Alex's lip twitched. "I'm so glad you like them."

"She's never going to be happy with my terrible baking now," Maria whined. "Stop trying to steal my girlfriend."

Shortly after they'd arrived at Herc's, Aaron had broken away to talk to John of all people. Something that Alex might have found suspicious if he hadn't of been blindsided by Aaron kissing him right before squeezing his arm and promising to find him later. While kisses around the house definitely were becoming more common, it was still such a rarity for the man to indulge him with others around. Whether it was because Aaron didn't like such public displays of affection or he still wasn't used to the concept that he could do such things, Alex wasn't sure. Just knew that it was always a treat when Aaron broke protocol, enough of one that he didn't even mind that much when he realized why it'd been done.

Besides, if Aaron wanted to talk to John alone? All he needed to do was ask. 

Sans boyfriends, Alex had wandered around the house in search of people that he actually recognized. Lafayette and Herc were in the kitchen, deep in conversation. Angelica was nowhere to be found. Peggy's door had been shut. Which had left him sticking his head in Maria's room.

Something that would have gone over better if it weren't for the fact that Maria had apparently forgotten to shut it. He'd frozen awkwardly, unsure of whether to announce himself or walk back out as quietly as possible when he found the pair making out. Which had at least confirmed his previous suspicion that they were a couple. Just as he'd decided to leave though, Eliza had looked up and broken away.

Much to Maria's ire. A feeling that had been only slightly dampened by the baked goods in his backpack.

"Maria." The warning tone was hard to miss, and Alex shifted, awkward.

Because really, he hadn't meant to interrupt. Would be perfectly fine to go back into the house and find Aaron or bug Herc and Laf. But Eliza had insisted he stay.

"Besides," Eliza leaned against her girlfriend, apparently switching approaches. "If Alex were to try and steal either of us, I think he'd prefer you."

If the conversation had been a little less serious, it would have been the perfect time for a threesome joke. After all, why go after one if he could have both? But while Maria usually appreciated his sense of humor, it didn't seem like the right moment. "I already have two boyfriends. I don't know if I could keep up with either of you girls on top of it. Better to let you have each other."

While they obviously didn't have the same dynamic that he and Aaron had, Alex was also well aware that even before they were dating- Eliza had helped Maria out a lot. And Maria deserved that. Someone who cared about her, and knew how to help. And from what Alex knew of Eliza? She also deserved a partner who so clearly adored her. As much as Alex knew he was a flirt, there was no way that he wanted to even accidentally get between the pair.

"Speaking of boyfriends, are they here?" Eliza asked, moving to look out the door as if she expected them to be walking past at just the right moment. Or worse, just hanging outside and waiting for him. He was a mess, but he wasn't that much of a mess.

"Mads has some school work he needed to do." Kind of. Maybe. Alex still wasn't sure how much he believed it. "Aaron abandoned me."

"Poor baby," He'd said it in jest, but Maria seemed to gentle further at the comment. "I suppose I can forgive you for clitblocking me if you've been abandoned."

Eliza rolled her eyes slightly. "He did not stop you from getting laid. My saying hello doesn't mean we're having sex while half the school wanders around outside."

If that was hello- Alex didn't complete the thought. It was probably safe to assume that Maria couldn't read his mind, but he really didn't want to test it by thinking about how she had sex. 

"If it makes you feel better, Aaron seems to have something against sex anywhere but beds." A slight misrepresentation, but somehow, he didn't think that Aaron would mind that much. "We can form a club. Partners of the sexually unadventurous."

"One doesn't have to be an exhibitionist to be adventurous," Eliza wrapped a possessive arm around Maria's waist as she said it, and Alex smiled as the younger girl curled into her. "So I'm afraid you'll have to have your club all by yourself."

"Are you sure? It was going to be great. We could have bought vibrators and sexy lingerie together. Talked about the magic of masturbation. Written dirty stories about all the nasty things we wished our partners would do-"

That time it was Alex that Eliza swatted and he laughed, even as Maria shook her head, obviously amused. "I told you he was the worst. He needs a muzzle."

It was the kind of banter that he was comfortable with, especially since Maria's snarkiness had lost its edge. "If you're going to gag me, you have to get Aaron and Mads' permission. Not that I think either of them are going to say no to the concept."

"And to think, you called them sexually unadventurous."

A knock on the wall kept him from making a remark, and he turned to look at the doorway where Herc was standing. "Not to bother you girls, but I wanted to let you all know that the pizza is here."

"Well," Eliza said as she pushed Maria to stand up from the bed. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving."


	103. Chapter 103

Vaguely Aaron knew that Alex wouldn't be pleased with him for accepting the beer that John passed his way, but Aaron figured two things.

One: each one of John's beers that Aaron drank, John couldn't drink. And if they could keep him from getting drunk before running out, then they wouldn't have to worry about him moving on to Mulligan's. And if John didn't get that drunk, the likelihood of him pretending to be Alex was low. So really, Aaron was doing Alex a favor.

Two: he could use the liquid courage considering the conversation he was about to have. For Alex's benefit. Well, more for Madison's, but still. The end goal was the hope that it would make Alex very happy. 

With that in mind, he took a swig and tried to come up with the best way to bring it up. Inevitably settled for something vague in hopes he wouldn't need to go more in depth. "I'd like permission to give Madison your number."

John blinked. Once. Twice. "Why?"

That was a million dollar question. One he didn't think he could jump right into. "How much do you know about Gilbert's plans for next Friday?"

It took John an extra beat to answer, most likely caught off guard by the change in subject. But when he did, it was with an amused look that made Aaron distinctly uncomfortable. "More than you, probably." 

More than he did, almost definitely. Part of him was tempted to probe that train of thought, see if John would be willing to share. Or at least cross off some of Aaron's larger fears. But no, this wasn't about Aaron, it was about Alex and he knew Laurens sense of humor well enough to know that seeking reassurance from him was probably a bad idea. "So you know we're going out. Madison's taking Alex a date so that he doesn't get suspicious."

"And what? Wants my advice?"

Aaron hummed. "Something like that."

A bit more hands on advice than John was probably thinking about, but at least it saved Aaron from having to say 'Madison would like to invite you to a threesome.' No, let Madison deal with that weirdness. Thankfully Laurens didn't push it any further, just said it was fine. That he didn't mind. From there the conversation went back to safer territory. John complaining about the other students in his classes, about Lafayette's apparent ridiculousness. 

He'd just asked how Alex was holding up when his boyfriend appeared, alongside Maria and Eliza. Aaron opened his arms so that Alex could take his spot on his lap. "Good evening girls. I hope you're having a nice night."

Maria made a small sound, but Eliza squeezed her shoulder before walking over to make small talk briefly. Asked Aaron how classes were doing and even prodded John's shoulder, asked him how his ribs were holding up. It was interesting watching the man flush and try and divert attention from himself. Clearly uncomfortable, though Aaron wasn't sure whether it was over Eliza caring, or him not wanting the world to know he'd been injured. It wasn't something he displayed proudly anymore. Maria's look of disapproval might of had something to do with it as well.

"Can I pull up a seat for you girls?" Aaron offered, glancing around for where he might find a few extras.

Eliza shook her head. "As lovely as that sounds, I have work in the morning. So we're probably going to make our way out. I just wanted to make sure Alex was back where he belonged before we did." 

A mumbled 'thank you' from Alex, as well as a wink in Maria's direction before they finally walked off, and Aaron raised an eyebrow. "Are we back where we belong now?"

"I might-" Alex leaned backward, scooting so that he could sit more comfortably- "have complained about you abandoning me."

To their right, John made a wretching sound, but Alex didn't back down. In fact, wiggled again as he moved to nose at Aaron's chin. "I think I deserve another kiss for being left alone."

Everyone else was inside, for the most part. Mulligan had popped out earlier to tell them about the pizza, and they'd chatted then briefly. As large as some of the parties had been over the summer, this one seemed much smaller. When he'd commented on it, Mulligan had shrugged. Said as much as he loved throwing the bigger get-togethers- it was also nice sometimes to just have the people that mattered.

The smaller group also meant he didn't have to worry so much about being walked in on. Mindful of Alex's braid, Aaron cupped the back of his head, pulling him into a gentle kiss.

Instead of wretching, this time, Laurens groaned. "I am not drunk enough to watch you two make out."

Part of Aaron was tempted to tease that John could always join in, but he didn't know what he'd do if the man actually took him up on it. Alex just shrugged. "You're just jealous. You could always find your other half if you wanted someone to make out with."

That earned Alex a raised eyebrow. "You really think Laf is the PDA type?"

"He could be." To be honest, Aaron was surprised they didn't consider him as such, especially with how touchy and possessive he could be. In Aaron's opinion, he was just as much a fan of overt displays of affection as Alex. Even if his touching tended to have a different point.

"Oh yeah. Totally." John twisted in his seat, taking a pointed swig of his beer. "If I acted like Alex? Sat in his lap. Mouthed his jaw line? Flounced around in a dress half the time. I wouldn't get kisses. I'd get pressed face first against the wall."

John had a point. Self-control wasn't exactly something that Gil was known for. As petty as it was, that fact warmed him. That he and Alex fit so well together, that he could be what his boyfriend needed. That Alex could feel safe to touch and want to be touched, and it didn't have to be sexual. Didn't have to worry about being accused of being a tease.

Alex flushed, and Aaron slipped a comforting arm around his waist. "I'm pretty sure you did act like me, and managed to leave with your virtue intact."


	104. Chapter 104

Madison was still up, tapping away on his keyboard when they finally made it home.

Aaron made a small noise, but the hand that had been holding his let go so that Alex could throw himself dramatically across the couch. Thankfully, Madison predicted the act, and moved his laptop out of the way just in time to avoid it toppling to the ground. "Did it go that badly?"

"No." Alex nuzzled Madison's stomach. "I just missed you."

It'd actually gone pretty well. John hadn't gotten smashed, there'd been no awkward conversations there. Maria had told him he was weird for worrying about the volunteering thing, but that she was taking a few weeks off to get settled. That he should text her some time. Maybe they could get lunch in the meantime. 

Which had sounded awfully like a reassurance that they were friends. Even if he had burst in on her and her girlfriend.

Strangely enough, other than spotting him early on with Hercules, Lafayette hadn't been around. Even John had disappeared after awhile, and while it could have just been that they were ready to get back to their house, it had made Alex slightly uneasy. But before he could ask Aaron if something had happened to make Laf avoid them, Hercules and Peggy had come out.

Peggy had even complained about how weird it was not to have to check the students in. Teased that they might put Maria on a curfew just to feel like normal. It hadn't stung as much as Alex had thought it would, be surrounded by people talking about being back in school. Though Hercules' comment about graduating had thrown him for a loop. It'd just never occurred to him that the man wouldn't be there forever. 

"Do you need to be touching both of us constantly?" Despite the tease, Madison's fingers found their way to his hair, undoing his braid so that he could massage his scalp.

"Foster Kid." When Madison raised an eyebrow, Alex shrugged. "I'm pretty sure there's a theory about skin hunger and foster kids. Pepperoni man theorized it was why John and I got into so many fights."

Not John was a foster kid. Alex hadn't exactly explained John's situation to the man, and he still wasn't sure what he assumed. Passingly worried that he thought John was just violent. Or worse, abusive. Had spent all that time trying to talk to Alex about ways to get his fix as a subtle way of telling him to break away.

If so, Alex had been too dense to catch on. Cared about John far more than he trusted the Psych, anyway.

Before he could get too far down that train of thought, Aaron lifted his legs so that he could join them on the couch. "Whatever it is, I'm not complaining. If James has a problem with being loved on by his boyfriend, I'm happy to ease his burden."

"Oh shove off," Madison murmured, though it all seemed to be in good humor. "You had him for the past few hours. It's my turn."

"I'd complain that I'm not an object to be shared-"

Aaron's hand slid under his shirt, just resting against his stomach- "But you enjoy the attention."

Unintentional. But it didn't stop Alex from tensing, breathing in through his nose. "Always."

It would be okay. It was Aaron touching him. Aaron's fingers splayed over scars that neither of them could see. Aaron who would never hurt him. Aaron whose fingers had started stroking him lightly, probably sensing the tension but not recognizing why. But it would be okay. It was Aaron. And Madison was right there, under him. Safe. What had Franklin told him to do? Focus on his breathing. In and out. Longer on the out? 

Vaguely he felt like there was something else. Something about holding it maybe. But either way, repeating that he was safe. That he was with Aaron and James did help. Allowed him to relax into his boyfriends. "What's y'alls plan for tomorrow?"

"Y'alls?" Aaron asked at the same time that Mads shrugged, "Depends. What do you want to do?"

"You're the ones who have had the long week? Plus I don't know how much homework that you have."

Didn't want them to feel like they had to divide themselves, the week for school and then devote their entire weekend to him. Especially because he'd already claimed Sunday for date night.

"I'd make a joke about an orgy, but that's more your style," Aaron said. "But really? Other than sleeping in, I don't have many plans for the weekend. James and I are going grocery shopping Sunday, so I don't think we have any need to leave out tomorrow. You already cleaned the house last weekend. Unless you'd like that to be a thing?"

A thing. As if cleaning was a thing. "Are we going to turn into one of those weird middle-aged households that has a standing cleaning day? Every other Saturday we'll open all the doors and deep clean the house."

"Well, you seem to think Aaron and I are old men," Madison tugged on his hair lightly as he spoke, "and you're what? Twelve? So I guess we average out to about middle-aged."

"You are old men. You sit around and drink tea. Aaron reads the news on his phone and listens to NPR." The rest of what Madison said registered, and Aaron oofed as Alex rolled to sit up, so that he could glare at his boyfriend fully. "I am not twelve!"

"If tea is proof that I should probably look into a viagra prescription, then I think that it's safe to say that you're twelve." Mads poked his nose, and Alex pouted. "See, the pouting? The apples? Bubbles and coloring? You're lucky I didn't call you eight." 

Alex flushed. "I didn't mean-" Huffed, shifting slightly. "You're mean."

"Uh huh," Madison agreed, looking somber.

Behind him, Aaron shoved Alex's shoulder lightly. "Come on, why don't we get to bed. Since you were so good today, I'll even read you a bedtime story."

Scratch that. Both of them were mean. Absolute assholes, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a hell of a week, friends.
> 
> some of you may have noticed my tumblr has changed. I'm mentally ill and absolute trash for representation of it-  
> so  
> you can now find me at 'haveyoutalkedtoyourdepression' just in case you wanted to watch me ramble about being mentally ill, reblog hamilton things, and talk way too much about cooking shows.


	105. Chapter 105

Instead of the usual mess of hair tickling his nose when Aaron woke up, there was a solid Madison sized weight on his chest. Slowly he turned his head to try and locate where Alex went, but their boyfriend was nowhere to be found. Going back to sleep was tempting, but instead, he gently nudged James' shoulder. "I know Alex would have you think otherwise, but I am not actually a giant teddy bear."

There was a grumbling sound, and then Madison rolled over, pulling the blanket over his head even as Aaron left the bed. Aaron considered his form for a moment, before shrugging and walking out. Eventually, if they were going to keep sleeping together, they would need to get a bigger bed. But that was a problem for another day. 

"You're up early," Aaron murmured when he found Alex in the kitchen, spoon in his mouth as he lounged on the kitchen counter.

Alex shrugged, pulling the spoon out of his mouth with a distinct pop. "Excited."

If it were later in the day, Aaron might encourage him to expand on that. Rather than try and get him to talk, Aaron stuck his head in the fridge. Came back out with the milk so that he could make a bowl of cereal. John was scheduled to come and pick Alex up around ten, which gave them a few hours before he left. And then, after that, at least another hour before he and Madison had to find a way to amuse themselves out of the house.

When he had everything ready, he headed toward the table. Where people were supposed to eat, not that Alex seemed aware of it. 

Once Alex was done with his own breakfast, he dropped his spoon in the sink and took a chair across from him at the table. Waited until Aaron was done eating to spring a question on him. "Want to shower this morning?"

At least he asked rather than just dragging Aaron to the bathroom. "Of course."

Considering his recent behavior with James, Aaron was semi-surprised when it was left at that. No push for Aaron to let Alex wash him, no teasing. More than anything he seemed to be after the familiar comfort of having another body in the stall. Didn't even stop for a kiss until after they were both redressed and he'd brushed his teeth. Perfectly innocent even when they made their way back to the living room. 

"So what are you two going to do today?" Alex asked once they were settled on the couch.

Behind them, the sounds of Madison finally waking up were starting to fill the house. No doubt he'd take a shower of his own before going to make his tea, maybe even enjoy a bagel or omelet. By the time he joined them, it'd probably be time for Alex to be on his way. "I think we're just going to the park. Maybe get some reading done. James was joking about making me actually try his smoke contraption."

"Hookah," Alex corrected. "There's some really nice berry flavors."

Aaron raised an eyebrow. "When have you had a chance to try it that I haven't?"

It'd barely left his mouth before it occurred to him exactly when Alex had been experimenting. Thankfully Alex didn't seem upset by the slip-up. "It was an easy way to hang out with people? Before? Not really in the scene anymore."

Which was a good thing. That community was probably intensely triggering. "I probably won't try any. Smoking has never really been my thing."

Let James and Lafayette have their bad habit. It'd probably be best for Alex to have someone around the house who didn't smell like smoke. Alex didn't need to be surrounded by temptation. Rather than appreciate his consideration, Alex rolled his eyes at the comment. "Nothing is ever your thing. Why do you have to be so old?"

Aaron tensed as a hand came down on his head, rubbing at the short hair there. "Mutt, be nice to Aaron. You might give him gray hairs if you keep it up."

"Wonderful defense there, James." 

Madison shrugged before disappearing into the kitchen to make his own breakfast. A knock on the door startled Alex to his side, and John stepped inside rather than waiting for either of them to get up and open it for him. "You ready?"

Alex glanced at his phone, standing up even as he protested, "You're early."

"Some of us," Laurens said as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Don't sleep all day."

No. He and Lafayette had probably already gone on their run for the morning. "Stick your head in to say bye to James before you head out."

Once he had, Alex leaned down for a quick kiss before following John out the door and Aaron stretched before heading into the kitchen to talk to Madison. Snorted when he realized the man was still barely awake, head propped up on his folded arms as his tea steeped. 

"Do you want me to make you something before you fall back asleep?"

With his eyes still closed, Madison flipped him off. "Not my fault Alex kept me up all night."

Except Alex and Madison had slept beside him. "Please tell me you two didn't-"

"You really think Mutt could be quiet enough not to wake you?" Point to James. "He kept getting in and out of bed because he couldn't sleep. It's why I ended up in the middle."

"And here I thought you were just taking your mother's advice. " It probably wasn't nice to tease like that, especially with James so clearly exhausted.

But it felt nice to be the one joking for once, for all the lip that Alex and Madison both gave him. But James wasn't so worn out as to let it slide. "If I say yes, will you feed me like you fed Mutt?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have had an entirely different chapter up here earlier today. I may or may not have accidentally screwed up my chapter order. Sorry friends. The /next/ chapter will most likely be -that- chapter edited not to have duplicate information maybe with an additional scene. Maybe. It depends on much I need to edit to make it fit.


	106. Chapter 106

Once they were at the grocery store, John followed Alex's lead, pushing the cart as Alex darted around the aisles. On the ride there, Alex had listened to his grumbles about the school week, and now it was John's turn to listen as he rambled half-heartedly about anything that crossed his mind. 

When he made the mistake of mentioning that they went grocery shopping the day before, John called him out. If they'd gone yesterday, why did Alex need him today?

"Because-" Alex huffed when John reached over his head to grab the box of pasta that he'd been reaching for- "We make the grocery list together. They would have known if I added something to it, and then that would have spoiled the surprise."

John raised an eyebrow as he dropped the pasta into the cart. "Because spaghetti is such a romantic surprise."

No, but it was one of the few things Alex could cook and he didn't feel like trying something new only to have it blow up in his face spectacularly and ruin the evening. "If you wanted to surprise Lafayette, what would you do?"

"Surprise him or try and set the mood?" Laurens clarified. "'Cause Laf doesn't exactly do surprises well."

Fine. Alex could give him that. "Set the mood then. Other than fighting or hanging out in bed naked."

"Hanging out naked always seemed to be more of your thing." A nearby mother made a sound of disapproval and John pushed the cart a little faster to get away from the impressional youth. "Probably put on some of his music? Pull him into a dance. 's good at that."

While the image of Lafayette and John dancing around the house was a pretty one, the likelihood that either Aaron or Madison knew how to dance was slim. Besides, Aaron would probably think he was teasing him if he played classical music. Why the man thought his musical preferences were some kind of secret, Alex didn't know. "Bit hard to dance with two people."

Laurens shrugged. "You're the one with the collection of boyfriends, not me."

Two was hardly a collection. "Madison's taking me on a date Friday, I want to do something nice for them. I'm sorry if my ideas are a bit stereotypical- don't really have much experience in the dating department."

For a second, John's fingers tensed around the handle of the cart, and Alex almost apologized. But it was gone almost as soon as it came and Laurens rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Anything else you need? Candles? Wine?"

"Neither of us are old enough." And college towns were more fond of checking for IDs than middle of nowhere gas stations.

Another shrug. "Lafayette is."

"I'm not asking your boyfriend to buy wine for my boyfriends." Not that Lafayette wouldn't delight in being useful. "And we have candles at home."

"Y'all really are hopeless romantics, aren't you?" John sounded absolutely disgusted at that fact, as if romantics was secretly synonymous with murderers. " 'sides, wasn't talking bout him buying it. There's a stash at home."

Home. Raiding Lafayette's stash. John advising Madison on how to manage Laf's bossiness. Lafayette's murmurings months before about John always having his own room should he wish to use it. John could make all the noise he wanted about him and Aaron and Madison being domesticated, but so were they in their own way. Much more than he'd ever really thought John possible of.

Maybe they hadn't worked out, but they'd both found new places to fit. "Aaron's not a big fan of alcohol."

Or maybe he just wasn't a fan of Alex having it, either way, he didn't want to upset the boat. Thankfully John dropped the subject as they headed to the cash register. Before Alex could produce his wallet, though, John was paying.

Which wasn't right. At all. This was for his boyfriends, not John's. "Laurens-"

"Shush." Alex grabbed the bags as they were thrust at his chest. "It's a gift from Lafayette anyway."

"Lafayette wanted to pay for my dinner with Aaron and Madison?" That didn't make any sense. "How does he even know about it for it to be a gift from him?"

John rolled his eyes as he unlocked the car door. "I told him where I was going. That's how. When are you going to get your license, anyway?"

Alex was tempted to chase the previous topic but let it go as he climbed into the passenger seat. "After I go back to classes, probably. Franklin's not exactly encouraging it right now and Aaron hasn't said so specifically, but I don't think Theo is either."

A license would mean paying for insurance, but more than that, it would be more freedom. Which sounded like a good thing, after all, going for his license would also make employment easier, but there was also the fact that it'd make it easier for Alex to find a dealer again. Or get upset and dissociate which could lead to a car accident. Especially once they started to talk about what actually happened, something that Franklin kept insisting was coming. So for the moment, it was off the table. Theo probably operated under a similar train of thought. Even though they were distinctly different in terms of practice, they'd yet to disagree. At least to Alex's knowledge.

"Those are the quacks, right?" Correcting John probably wouldn't amount to much. "He helping?"

No. Alex was just going there most weeks for the fun of it. "I should be ready to come back in the Spring. Franklin wants me to work on being by myself in public more, but other than that, he thinks I've made progress."

"Good."

Alex thought so. It was even a mostly true statement. Franklin hadn't actually given his opinion on Alex's state of mind and whether or not he'd be ready by Spring. But Alex had been doing his homework. He'd even been emailing with the man about a plan for getting out of the house on his own some more. Around campus even. He just had to run the final bits of the plan past Aaron and Madison.

The car slowed to a stop as they came up to the house, Madison's car already missing. "You want help? With your cooking?"

It was a surprising offer, but Alex nodded. "That sounds great, actually."


	107. Chapter 107

"What do you think he's planned in there?" Madison asked as they pulled up to the house.

Which really, was a loaded question considering Alex's suggested dates so far. Old men, he called them. Though that did bring up some funny mental images. Perhaps he'd gone to the library to pick out books for them to read out loud to one another. Or attempted to figure out a way to get all three of them in the shower. He might have even cleared out the living room and set up a mini golf course.

Instead of saying any of that, Aaron shrugged. "Maybe he covered the entire house with drawings of bees and cheesy valentines."

Funny how that felt like it happened forever ago. Only a few months had passed since the end of the school year when Alex had made that card for James, and the man in question hid a smile, looking downward. They hadn't been friends back then. And now somehow they were dating? "We may also be walking into a large bird's nest."

Their ridiculous, ridiculous boyfriend. 

The scene they walked into was almost more shocking for it's traditional elements. Soft music playing in the background, all the lights off in the house but candles lit in both the kitchen and the living room. Alex poked his head out of the kitchen at the sound of the door and smiled brightly when he noticed it was them, stepping out into the open as he waved them in.

Aaron's heart softened at the sight. Alex with a white blouse tucked into a black skirt that swirled around his knees. When he'd managed to buy such a thing without Aaron knowing, he wasn't sure, but it was adorable. Especially because they were the right size, a sure sign that they weren't just borrowed from Angelica or Maria. Maybe even a sign that he was beginning to accept that part of himself, whatever that part was.

"Come on, I made dinner," Alex said, trying to draw them further into the house. "It's going to go cold if you just keep standing there gaping."

"We were just expecting something a little less normal," Madison teased. "No dog collar? Exploding experiments? Viagra?"

Alex's hands went to his hips, lips thinning into a straight line. "You're just going to have to collar me yourself- if that's your thing. And please don't tell me you hate it- I worked really hard."

Jesus, he was not going to let the two of them go down the Mutt train, that was the last thing that he needed. Instead he closed the space between him and Alex, tipping the man's chin so that he could kiss him slowly. Didn't bother trying to tamp down the feeling of fondness as Alex relaxed into him. "It's beautiful. Now, you said something about dinner getting cold?"

"Oh yeah!" Alex snagged both of their hands, dragging them into the kitchen. "Make fun of me all you want for it being traditional, but I never really did the dating thing before and I want to do this right."

It would be pointless to point out that none of them had ever really done this sort of dating before. Madison hadn't even kissed anyone, Alex with his strange history with John, Aaron was the closest one to having a normal dating life and even that was greatly affected by his sexuality. But pointing it out would likely only make Alex feel more judged.

Something Madison obviously didn't agree with. "Don't worry about doing it right. Do you."

"Why do me when I'd much rather be doing both of you?" Alex snipped as he directed each of them to a seat at the table.

On the counter was some sort of pasta dish, and Alex spooned out portions for each of them, serving them like he was some sort of housewife. "Alex-"

"Asexual boyfriend. I know." The last word he dragged out as he took his spot between them. "Asexual boyfriend could learn to tell when I'm joking from when I'm trying to get laid. But that isn't date night conversation."

That wasn't what he'd been about to say, but he let it slide. No need to get Alex agitated when he was so clearly anxious. "So what should we talk about?"

Alex didn't seem to have thought that far ahead, but James didn't leave him hanging. "How did your shopping trip with John go?"

"Good. He actually helped cook?" It was good to see that the two were mending their friendship. "I think he's warming up to you. Or at least, to the idea of us."

What had Madison said? That he didn't want to be like John, clinging desperately to something he thought would last forever? Maybe the two of them would be able to see each other in a new light as Alex learned healthier attachments. "What about you two? Did you hold hands in the park?"

Or maybe Alex would just keep pushing for all of his friends to date one another. One big strange poly family with Alex acting as the glue. Or more specifically, as the quilter, trying to figure out ways that they complimented one another. "Would you pleased if I said we kissed by the swingset?"

"No. Because then you'd be making fun of me." Despite the whine, Alex squeezed his hand when Aaron reached over to hold it. "I just think you two can make each other as happy as you make me."

Madison raised an eyebrow. "When did you get so corny?"

"And I'm sure John, Lafayette, heck, even Maria and Hercules would be delighted to hear that friendship isn't valuable to you." Not to mention Eliza and Angelica, or any of the other assorted friends that Alex had. If he could recognize their value, why couldn't he see that Madison and Aaron were fine how they were.

Instead of taking his side, Madison gave him a look. "Please don't start naming names. Have I mentioned his contingency plans for when you and Lafayette decide to kiss and make up? That involve, you know, you two kissing and making up."

There were some mental images he really didn't need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can- once again- find me for writing related things over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle. I decided to have a blog dedicated to that and delete my old personal.


	108. Chapter 108

Franklin's entire office smelled like spearmint, and Alex couldn't decide whether he liked it, or if it made him hungry. Probably a mixture of both.

The elderly man leaned back in his chair as he looked Alex, and Alex did his best to look back. To not shrink into himself on the couch like he sometimes did. "How are you handling with everyone being back in classes?"

So far? It hadn't been that bad. Before he knew it, he'd be back volunteering with Maria and in the meantime, the gaps weren't so bad. Sleeping in a little late, cleaning up around the house, those things filled the time when neither Mads or Aaron were home. And as the semester went on, hopefully, they'd be able to figure out John and Laf's schedules a little better too.

For the first time? Alex felt hopeful. Genuinely hopeful about the idea of going back to classes in the spring. Something that Franklin seemed pleased with when he told him. 

"Do you think you might be ready for a challenge of sorts?" Franklin asked.

A good sign, Alex told himself. It was a good sign that Franklin thought he would be. But that didn't stop the phrase from filling him with a sort of dread. "What kind of challenge?"

"I think it would be a good idea to see how you handle being on campus again." Franklin wasn't exactly wrong on that, but Alex still shifted in his seat. Couldn't they put that off until the end? "Maybe going to class with your boyfriend? You did that before, correct? It's just like with the shower, start out small and work your way up to bigger tasks."

Just like with the shower. The nice way of saying that it was going to take the entire semester most likely. Except Alex didn't want to work on it that long. Was tired of inching along. If it was really just like the shower, then he had more coping skills this time around. Ones that he knew how they worked. 

But it was also campus.

Even the idea of being alone in the store or the park was nerve wracking. But it wasn't as if he could plan his entire schedule around Aaron or Madison. None of them were taking the same major. He would have to get used to being alone, especially for extended periods of time. Would have to be trusted to eat and take care of himself too.

And to exist. On campus. Walk down the same path that Jefferson came up behind him. Pass his old haunting grounds. See the dealers. See the addicts. The people he almost called friends. Would the dorms feel the same? Alex still remembered his last day, when he'd finally gotten his leave of absence. Breaking down in Aaron's arms. Unable to even pack up his room.

It felt like ages ago. The summer alone felt like a year and there it was- half of his time gone.

One little potential issue and Alex's hope evaporated.

"Where did you go?" Franklin asked suddenly and Alex blinked.

Asked what he meant.

Franklin steepled his fingers so that he could rest his chin on them. "Where did you go? What upset you? What imagery came to mind? If we start talking about potential problems, we can start brainstorming solutions. You know how this works, you've been in therapy long enough."

Long enough. Barely three months. Half of his time gone. But that had been the building blocks, right? Learning how to walk so that he could learn how to run? It would go faster. It had to. He could handle this. Alex gripped that strand of hope. "There's just some parts of campus that are going to be scarier than others."

At least he would never have to go near Monticello again in his life. Wouldn't have to see that house. 

"That's why you experiment with your support system," Franklin said. "I think you mentioned before feeling safe with Lafayette? Perhaps you could go with him to some of the worst parts."

Somehow, Alex couldn't imagine walking with Lafayette through the areas that drug users often congregated. Couldn't imagine him holding his hand and telling him it was okay. Lafayette wouldn't say as much, but there were still days when he felt like everyone but Madison and Aaron resented him for not being open sooner. 

But Franklin didn't want to hear about that. No one wanted to hear about how he blamed himself. Better to tuck it away and pretend it didn't exist.

After therapy, Aaron looped an arm around his waist, solid and comforting. "Want to go home and make a nest out of James' sweaters in protest of his schedule?"

That was right, Mads wouldn't be home for hours. Alex considered the offer for a moment before nodding. Even the car ride back to their place was quiet, one of Aaron's hands resting on the center console, touching him just so.

Maybe their relationship wasn't perfect. Maybe he was a brat, and Aaron was almost too stable for him to know what to do with. Maybe their entire relationship had started as a farce to hide his addiction just a little bit longer from Hercules.

But Aaron had stayed. Through the anger and the shakes. Through the Laurens ordeal, through Jefferson, through Madison, through every fight with Lafayette. Hadn't waivered. Had done his best to find solutions when things went array. To assimilate new people into his life when Alex latched onto them, supported him when he pushed them away.

They had survived through all of that. They would survive this. He would handle going back to campus, and he would do it without causing more stress for Aaron.

"I love you-" Why did it have to sound like a plea? Alex looked at him as they stood in the driveway, tried not to flinch back when the man looked concerned. "I just, I love you. A lot. Thanks for being there for me."

Aaron reached up to brush a strand of hair from his face. "Always. Now, are we going to nest? Or hang out in the driveway until he gets home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm semi-tickled tbh at the fact that.. like a hundred or more days later- there are still people taking that survey back in the beginning? The plan for this fic is already set- though it is nice to know I'm getting new readers.
> 
> Also- as for plans. I have Officially figured out where this fic is going to end (As Alex is going into school versus following him through the first semester.) Poly Fam will not happen in this fic. Alex's... fascination... isn't necessarily meant as the beginning of big poly fam and I realized in talking to some people- that that's what it came off as? But a lot of that is just. "Everything in my life would be easier/safer if everyone in my life got along." and a slightly inappropriate distraction mechanism. 
> 
> Once this fic ends- I will likely end up writing a few different future based fics, some of them will be poly fam, some probably won't be. We'll see what happens. But this fic will end with the same pairings that it began with... with maybe the exception of a little Alex/John. that... really all depends on the upcoming angst tbh. :)


	109. Chapter 109

It's becoming a bit too normal to wake up with Madison curled around him.

Aaron stared at the ceiling, contemplated waking the man up out of spite. Instead, he carefully untangled their limbs and went off in search of the missing link. Found Alex in the kitchen, spoonful of what was probably peanut butter in his mouth as he made sandwiches. Aaron looped his arms around Alex's waist, enjoyed the way Alex pushed back into the hold, head tipping to press a kiss on Aaron's neck.

Easy. Domestic. His perfect little housewife. "Are you making me lunch?"

Alex twisted, one hand coming up to pull Aaron's head down just a fraction of an inch so that they could really kiss. It was rare that the man took so much initiative, but Aaron wasn't going to second-guess that. It felt nice and things had been going well enough lately that he didn't feel he needed to question it. Just allowed himself to take control, one hand gripping Alex's ass as the other pulled on his hair just so.

Laughed when Alex pulled away to make a face. "Gross. Morning breath. Go brush your teeth."

When Aaron came back, he was surprised to notice two bags on the counter. But Alex only smiled. "I thought I could go with you to class this morning? If you don't mind?"

Probably for the best. Madison and Laurens were supposed to meet up before James had classes. If Alex was with him, then he wouldn't even know the difference. "Of course. Just the morning set or the afternoon too?"

Alex puffed out his cheeks, swishing the air from one side to the other as he contemplated the choice. "Can we go? Just wing it and see what happens."

That was responsible. Neither promising himself that he would do too much, or selling himself short. "Let me go get changed for the day and then we can go, okay? Maybe get some coffee?"

Part of Aaron kept wanting to say that they could swing by the women's center to see Angelica, but the woman wouldn't be there. It was strange, trying to get acclimated to the new year. Two years of living on campus, two years of Angelica being a rock. 

But there would be good things about this year, too. He had a car, increased freedom. They were living in a house, admittedly with his weird roommate from last year- but even Aaron couldn't deny that at some point Madison had become a decent friend. Even if he was weird enough to enjoy spending time with Lafayette willingly. And he was good to Alex, which was the important part.

Aaron pulled on his shirt. Marveled at that thought, too. Maybe it was the morning, maybe it was his good mood, but part of him couldn't stop the quiet glee at the fact that he had a boyfriend.

His little bird.

Even knowing that the items inside of Alex's backpack were likely more of the coping variety, it was strange to see him waiting by the door, familiar bag on his back. Aaron snagged his own and followed him out.

His morning class passed by easily, Alex in the seat next to him, coffee in one hand and pen in the other. To anyone looking in, he was just another student trying to figure out if he wanted to pick up the class during the drop/add period- or perhaps one on the waiting list, not wanting to get too behind in the mean time. 

What he was writing so diligently, Aaron didn't actually know. Tried not to get too distracted watching Alex's hand drift from the right hand of the page to the left. When class was over, Alex slotted himself under Aaron's arm, clutching at the notebook like it was a lifeline. Aaron nosed his hair. "Do you want to hang out here a little longer or go straight home."

"Do you want to eat lunch outside?"

It was still early enough in the semester that it was hot enough to do that, and Aaron nodded, squeezed Alex's shoulder as they walked together toward the green. Curled up together underneath the brick wall as Alex pulled their lunches out of his bag. To their left, there were small clusters of students with a similar idea, snacking before the bells rang across the campus. When it sounded, half of them would scatter to find their next class, but Aaron and Alex had time still. To their right, a large group of guys were tossing around a frisbee and Aaron resisted the urge to ask Alex if he liked the way they looked too.

Likely, it wouldn't be taken as the teasing he meant it as. Instead, Aaron allowed himself to lean back against the wall and ate. Chewing his sandwich slowly. "You know," he said after a swallow of water. "I never thought that I'd do this one day."

Alex tilted his head, clearly confused. "Eat lunch outside?"

"Angelica and I would get lunch at cafes? But I always used to walk past all the little couples on campus, stealing away the moments that they could." Admittedly, quite a few of them were doing more than eating, but that wasn't the point. He had no desire to actually make out on campus.

"Get a little gayer, will you," Alex teased, but Aaron noticed that he didn't move away any. "It's nice."

What surprised him the most was probably that he'd identified it as a sort of couplely act, and that Alex hadn't jumped on 'maybe next time Mads can come' or mentioning that James and Aaron could do it even when he wasn't around. For the moment? This was theirs. And it was nice to have that. As much as he didn't fault Alex for his polyamorous leanings, it wasn't something that Aaron shared. Maybe they could do more things like this. Carve out small bits of space for just them again. Once Aaron had finished his sandwich and thrown away their trash, he held out a hand to help Alex up. "Ready to go back home?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A list of promises about the upcoming angst: a. when it's here, I will return to my previous update schedule. I can't promise 5k in one day again, but I can promise you at least 3 until it's done. I don't want anyone in prolonged pain. b. i'm writing it for the same reason I wrote jefferson, wrote the laurens/aaron confrontation, wrote the scar, really- wrote the entirety of this verse. Because I need to. It's a part of /my/ history. c. Jefferson is not coming back. It is drug related. It is not just drug related, though. I am happy to talk to people off anon over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle about concerns. d. everyone makes it out alive. not everyone will be happy for a while, but everyone is alive. and i do believe while it isn't necessarily the only route i could go- it is a narratively appropriate kick in the ass. e. there will be warnings, either chapter titles or beginning notes. f. in what is a warning that sounds bizarre out of context- the shockwave of the main angst does involve Alex cutting off his hair.


	110. Chapter 110

Date.

Alex was supposed to be getting ready for his date. Which he absolutely was not doing, because he was wandering around campus by himself, pretending that it wasn't an absolutely terrible idea. He'd come with Aaron to campus, only to decide at the last minute that no, sitting in a class he didn't belong in was not making enough progress. Alex needed to actually get out by himself, because that was what he would need to do come Spring Semester.

But it left him with almost an hour on his own.

Fantastic plan. Not a thing wrong with it. Why wouldn't he be able to walk around on his own? It wasn't as if the last time he'd walked around on campus alone someone had come up behind him and then spent the next few hours using his chest like a carving board. It wasn't like he still had someone's initials etched into his hip, somehow angry even without the infection. It wasn't as if he could feel everyone's eyes on him.

It was entirely illogical to think that people knew. For the most part, other than their friends, Alex was pretty certain that word hadn't gotten out. But there were still stares following him everywhere he went and logic wasn't exactly his friend.

Not to mention the memories. Not all of them were bad, though. Alex stood still for a moment, looking at the pathway between two familiar buildings, following it in his head. He was just a short distance from the main road, and there was the little shop that he and Lafayette would get coffee and croissants at. Inside the student union, there was the women's center where he'd met Angelica.

Between the psych and edu buildings, there was a small, rarely used path that he used to meet Jefferson in for handoffs. Handoffs that sometimes got a bit handsy, Jefferson trusting that no one would see. 

Jefferson. 

Alex still hadn't said his name out loud since the last time that he and Aaron fought about it. That was another thing that therapy was supposed to be prepping him for, but sometimes, Alex didn't understand the point. This was anxiety-inducing enough.

Behind the tree over there, Alex used to meet with one of his nicer dealers. A girl he couldn't actually remember the name of, who hugged him while sliding the drugs into his back pocket. Who had nuzzled his neck on occasion, riding her own highs.

The other day with Aaron had been nice, though. Sitting on the green with him, their mini reprieve. Alex had always imagined that one day he'd do the same with John. Even the occasional daydream in the beginning that Lafayette would ask him out. 

As much as he adored both of them? He was rather glad that it'd been Aaron holding his hand and eating lunch with him there. 

Twenty minutes left. Alex bounced on his heels. Part of him wanted to find a place to hide. Curl up in a ball with his backpack until Aaron's class was through. But it seemed better to keep moving, even if he was only going in circles. 

There was a circle of benches off to the side, surrounding a statue of an older woman lecturing what appeared to be a student. Last year, when it'd snowed and Alex's veins were buzzing so loudly he'd begun to expect there were bees under his skin- Madison had sat on the bench as Alex walked along the rest of them. Kept him company even though he had to be freezing. Dissociation, Franklin had called it. Alex's ability to completely ignore the weather at times. Caused by a disconnect between his body and his brain.

The sarcastic part of him had wanted to make a joke about why would he ever have an issue settling into his body.

"Hamilton?" Alex turned, stared at the brunette, trying to place where he knew her from. "What happened to you? One day you were in classes and the next poof?"

So he'd had a class with her. Possibly multiple. Still, nothing. 

They hadn't covered this scenario in therapy. One of the downsides to nobody knowing about Jefferson was that nobody knew about Jefferson. He needed to come up with a reason why he'd suddenly disappeared, why he would be around on campus but not taking any classes. Alex racked his brain, trying to come up with a suitable excuse on the fly. "Got a bit ill. Stress. Doc advised me to take the rest of the semester off if I didn't want to give myself a heart attack."

Considering his reputation for shaking like a leaf on a tree, it was believable too. Brunette frowned, reaching out to touch his arm. "Are you feeling any better now? Taking it easy this semester? You were the only way I stayed awake in class. Professor was boring, but your arguments were worth it."

Arguing with the professor didn't narrow down his possibilities a single bit. "Decided to take this semester off too. Stuck around this side of town to try and stay acclimated. Hoping to be back next semester, though, just need the doctor to sign off on a clean bill of health."

"This is probably terrible to ask, but you don't by any chance still write papers?" Brunette asked. "Because this semester is going to kill me. Totally understand if not, but I figured it was worth a shot."

The responsible thing would be to say no. But if he wrote papers, he could have some cash on hand without needing to rely on Aaron. And it wasn't as if anyone could claim that writing was bad for him. It'd give him something to do during the day, and he could even do it on campus if he had a laptop with him. 

By the time Alex's phone buzzed, Aaron asking where he was- Alex was walking away from the girl with a new number in his phone and a whirlwind of possibilities. Aaron looped an arm around his waist when they finally met in the middle. "You ready to go shower and get ready for your big date with Madison?"

"Only if you're still sure you don't want to come." Alex leaned into him slightly, well aware it didn't make walking the easiest thing. "It could be fun, after all, he's taking me to laser tag. Nice little adrenaline rush that we could work off once we got home."

Probably wouldn't though, considering Mr. Asexual, but Alex was okay with that too. Especially when Aaron rolled his eyes fondly before nudging him. "You two have fun. Madison deserves some alone time with you, too. As much as you'd like to think our relationship is the three of us- this poly thing of yours is only going to work if you maintain both relationships."

It wasn't meant as a dig, but Alex internally cringed. Had he been neglecting Madison? Maybe it was a good thing tonight was just the two of them. He smiled as much as he could before leaning in to kiss Aaron's cheek. "Of course, daddy. Whatever you say."

Aaron's muttered brat only made the day brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a few chapters before the angst is happening- though hints are dropping. I'm trying to weave those few chapters in with my other open projects. Once we get there, like I said- I'll try to focus solely here.
> 
> Also- for those of you who don't know- for the rest of this month you have the opportunity to make me write a 3-5k fic of your choice. All you have to do is write a fic of at least 1k of a femslash pairing in the Ham fandom. At the end of the month, I'm picking my favorite and offering them an additional 10k fic. If there's interest- I may continue this offer anew next month.


	111. Chapter 111

"Little Burr!" Lafayette grinned, looking far too much like the cat who caught the canary for Aaron's taste. "Are we not looking wonderful?"

Madison had left a little under thirty minutes ago with an excited Alex in tow and Aaron had been left to prepare for his own date- meeting. Whatever Lafayette said, he was not referring to this ridiculous exercise as a date. They were hardly even friends.

"Gilbert." The name still felt strange in his mouth, but he refused to be cowed. "I have asked you not to call me that."

Lafayette's lip twitched as he draped his arm across Aaron's back. "And you seem to have taken my first name out of Hercules' mouth. I feel as if we are even."

Point for Lafayette. The senior guided him toward the door. "We must be going, little Burr. We would not want to be late."

Late. Meaning they probably had some sort of reservation. Aaron gave him a wary look. "Please tell me that you aren't taking me to dinner."

It didn't matter that Alex would most likely never hear a word of it, there were certain connotations that he really, really didn't want to deal with. Not to mention that it would feel awkward. Lafayette wasn't exactly the kind of person he wanted to be making small talk with. Lafayette frowned as he climbed into the driver's seat of his car. "Have you eaten?"

"Alex, Madison, and I ate before those two left." Aaron had even given in, let them all eat on the couch, Alex curled up against his side.

"Fantastic." Lafayette hummed as he backed out of the driveway. "We are not going to dinner, though perhaps if this goes well, we might have coffee afterward."

Most likely, Lafayette was referring to going to a coffee shop, but Aaron couldn't stop thinking about some of Alex's favorite gay romcoms. The way people would invite someone in for coffee and then it'd turn into sex. But Lafayette knew he was asexual, knew he was with Alex, and more than that- that was probably an American thing. "Where are we going anyway?"

"You will see, little Burr." Lafayette, while perhaps not as safe a driver as Madison, drove a lot safer than the way he lived. Carefully stopped at yellow lights, only grumbled lightly under his breath when people didn't use their turn signals to merge. "If you do not stop asking questions, I may just blindfold you. See how you enjoy being on the other side."

Aaron found himself grateful for his complexion. It wasn't worth pointing out that technically Madison and Alex had blindfolded him before the party either. "Is there anything that Alex doesn't tell you?"

Lafayette didn't answer, just continued to drive with that same self-satisfied look on his face. For someone who was supposed to be trying to get on Aaron's good side, he was definitely back to his usual antics. But Aaron needed to approach this with an open mind.

For Alex.

He was doing this for Alex.

"Little Burr, we are here." Lafayette unbuckled his seat belt and climbed out of the car with little fuss.

Here turned out to be an unfamiliar building, and Aaron eyed him with apprehension as Lafayette hooked their arms together to guide him inside. It wasn't grand compared to some of the places that Aaron had been back home, but the place had a certain taste to it, and Aaron watched the small groups of people with curiosity. Lafayette had tickets, which explained the late comment, but Aaron still wasn't sure where they were.

Had his answer a few minutes later as Lafayette ushered them to their seats. A play. Lafayette when given a full range of things to do had decided to take him to a play. Not an MMA fight, not some weird fencing range, no rock climbing or ocean diving. None of the extremely physical dates that Aaron knew the man was in the habit of taking Laurens to. The play wasn't even a particularly morbid one. A story about a midwife assumed to be a witch and her finding her daughter again. 

All and all, it was an almost surreal experience. Once it was over, Aaron followed him out of the building, trying to tamp down his suspicion that this wasn't actually it. That the man chose the play to put him at ease, only to spring a lion on him when they were almost home. But Lafayette didn't look like his was plotting, just smiled. "My Laurens does not like these things. They make him feel... Uncomfortable. Thank you for going with me."

Lafayette liked plays? Aaron filed that information back in his head. "Alex or Hercules would have gone with you- if you'd asked."

"Ma petite? He does not sit well." True, Aaron couldn't deny that. "Hercules does not share my tastes. He and John Laurens would have much more fun."

When Aaron climbed into the passenger seat, Lafayette turned to him once more. "What do you say? There is a little cafe not far from here that is open rather late."

Considering the play hadn't exactly given them much chance to talk, it was probably for the best. "I need to text Madison, figure out when he's getting home. I'm not looking forward to the conversation that will happen if they pull up and you're in the driveway."

"I do not think you have reason to concern yourself there." Lafayette made a turn, attention obviously focused on the road. "According to John, your Madison came to him with a most interesting proposition." 

It wasn't as if Aaron was expecting to be included, but the fact that they were most likely going to Lafayette's after everything made the idea all the more real. "John told you."

"Did you expect him to cheat on me?" No. But as much as Aaron knew they were together, he hadn't realized they were monogamous. Especially with the way John behaved with Alex. Maybe he was just the exception. "Do not worry, I am not upset. Though you would hazard to remember that just because your relationship is open, does not mean everyone elses is. My John asked for my input, and I gave him my blessing."

Alex was rubbing off on him. That was the only way it hadn't occurred to him to even think that someone might not be open to their partner sleeping with someone else. Sleeping with someone else- oh god. "Our boyfriends are going to have a threesome."

Up until that moment, he'd thought of it as Alex and John. But James was involved as well. Lafayette laughed, clapping him on the back. "That they are, my friend. Now, a drink?"

Suddenly, Aaron felt the need for something a bit stronger than coffee.


	112. Chapter 112

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is mostly smut- feel free to skip it if that isn't your scene, all you need to know is that the children bonded and a nice date was had by all.

Alex laughed, delighted as Madison's chest plate lit up. It was probably against some sort of moral code to kiss someone in the room, but it was dark and he highly doubted that anyone was going to stop him. Madison slipped his arms around Alex's waist as Alex leaned in to nose at his space under his ear. "I won. Does that mean I get to top tonight?"

It wasn't exactly their game, but the adrenaline rush was nice and really, what else were competitions good for? But before James could answer, Alex's harness went off as well. Some player who obviously didn't care that they were having a moment-

A pair of hands framed his hips and if it weren't for a chin digging into his shoulder and a familiar voice- he might have panicked. "I wouldn't go counting your victory yet."

"John?" He must have come in late, was Lafayette lurking in the background? "What are you-"

"I invited him," Madison's voice was quiet even as John covered the back of his neck with small kisses. "Would you like to take this somewhere private before they kick us out?"

Private. John was kissing him and Madison had invited him. To go somewhere private with them. Alex nodded, not trusting his voice and Madison broke away to lead them to the exit. John wrapped an arm around his waist, tight, and Alex sunk into the familiar touch. They only separated again to pull off their harnesses and drop off their guns.

Once outside, Alex allowed himself to be tugged in the direction of John's car, surprised when it was Madison who climbed into the driver seat as John got into the back with him. "I'd tell you to buckle up, but somehow I doubt you're going to listen."

Probably a good guess. "Did you really plan this?"

This, because Alex wasn't going to say it out loud and be told he'd gotten the wrong idea. Even if it'd be pretty hard to claim that with the way John's hands curled possessively around his thighs.

Mads chuckled in response. "I think convincing Aaron and Lafayette to join in on the fun might be a bit harder, but I wanted to make as much of your orgy dreams come true as I could. So I asked Laurens if he was in."

"Aaron and Laf would be an interesting combination," John teased. "You'd love it, though, wouldn't you? All those dominant men paying you attention. Do you think they'd put aside their differences long to work together, or would they fight over you?"

Hopefully if it ever actually happened, they would play well together. Alex couldn't remember if Laurens knew that Aaron was asexual, but maybe Lafayette would allow him to direct. Or hold Alex down.

"I'm more interested in what you're going to do to me."

John's grin was positively feral. "I won, didn't I? Which means I get to choose."

How did that work with three of them, though? Laurens didn't seem that interested in explaining, though. By the time they reached the house, Alex's veins were positively thrumming with anticipation. He hadn't been this excited in what felt like ages.

Which didn't stop him from laughing slightly when John hoisted him up like a bride to be. Ridiculous man. Madison opened the door for them indulgently, reaching out to ruffle Alex's hair as they passed. John dropped him in the middle of his and Lafayette's bed, and Alex considered saying something about that. Wouldn't it be more polite to do this in the guest room?

Madison positioned himself at the front of the bed, pulling off his shirt once he was seated.

"Wish I could have gotten my hands on you while you wearing one of your dresses," John said, hands roaming over Alex's body, though this time they stopped to undo his pants as he went. "You know you just have to say the word right, and Laf would have you an entire wardrobe of pretty, pretty dresses."

Alex used his elbows to prop himself up so that he could watch John undress first him, and then himself. Watched as all those freckles and muscles were revealed. Boxers and jeans came off in one push, and Alex wanted to kiss that familiar cock. Wanted it inside of him. Once he was naked, John crawled back on the bed, drawing Alex into a kiss. Tightened his grip on Alex's hair until he whimpered, mouth pliant beneath his friend. When John finally pulled back, he hummed. "Shirt on or off when I fuck you?"

"On." Chances were it would ride up, ruining the point, but at least it provided him some protection.

At least John had been kind enough to ask.

"You're going to roll over and work on keeping your boyfriend nice and hard while I prep you." If it weren't for the hand still in his hair, Alex would be in motion, eager for the next part. "Can you do that, sweetheart? Think you can control those teeth while I fuck you?"

Alex nodded the best he could and John used his free hand to pat his cheek. "Fantastic."

With the hand out of his hair, he scrambled to flip over, working on helping James out of his pants as Laurens got up to grab the lube and a condom. Alex had just set about his actual task, tongue running along the head of James' cock when John stroked his hip with one idle hand, the other drizzling cool lube. "Be a good girl, now. You aren't to make him come. I want him to fuck you too."

Fuck. Alex pressed his forehead against Madison's stomach as John slid the first finger in. It'd been so long since he'd been penetrated and he wiggled his hips back before taking a deep breath and focusing on James again. Kissed his balls, sucking on the sensitive skin, reveling in the sound of disrupted breathing above him. Waited until John had two fingers in him before actually taking Mads in his mouth.

Slow. He needed to take things nice and slow if James was to last longer than John. Slow wasn't exactly his usual pace, but Alex could do it. Traced the vein along the bottom with the tip of his tongue, humming when Mads reached down to stroke his hair. Gentle encouragement.

"Laurens." Alex pulled his head back some as the man twisted three fingers in him. "If you don't-"

There was a stinging slap against his right cheek, and suddenly he was glad he'd given space between him and Mads' cock. John pinched the skin he'd just popped. "Don't top from the bottom. I won. If I want to take my time and enjoy this, I can."

And then, "James, if you wouldn't mind keeping his mouth occupied."

"My pleasure." Mads brushed the hair away from Alex's face, and Alex opened his mouth obediently.

Focused on keeping his mouth slack as John finally pushed in. The body behind him was warm and familiar, and Alex practically purred as John raked his fingers along his sides as he thrust. No doubt he'd have marks for days to come, and even if Alex wouldn't be able to look at them in the mirror, he'd enjoy feeling them when they were pressed against.

"Missed this." John leaned over him, pressed against his back. "Look so pretty sucking his cock. Make sure to keep it in one piece."

It was the only warning he got before John moved again, fingers digging into his hips as he dragged Alex back onto his cock. The sound of flesh hitting flesh filled the room and Alex gasped around Madison's cock, unable to do much more than just take it. The contrast between John behind him, and James' hands in his hair, between hard and soft was almost too much.

As John's pace grew more erratic, Alex clenched, encouraging him. Was rewarded with another slap, and then a moment's reprieve as John tensed. After John pulled out, Alex rested against Madison's thigh, waiting for instruction. Nudged the hand that continued to comfort him.

"Roll over onto your back," John nudged his side as he said it and Alex pulled back so that James and John could switch places. Wrapped his legs around Madison's waist once the man slicked himself up.

Alex let out a breathy whine as Mads pushed in, so sensitive from already being used. On his other side, John leaned over him, spent cock dangling over Alex as the man bent to swallow him down.

Madison's pace was controlled compared to what John's had been, but each thrust pushed Alex's hips up and into John's relentless mouth. Someone's hand came up to roll his balls, thumb rubbing at the spot just behind him and Alex sobbed as he finally came. Pleased with his work, John tongued him through the orgasm before leaning back to massage Alex's scalp as Madison fucked him.

"Look at you," John cooed. "So open for us. You'd let us do anything, wouldn't you? I could ask you to suck me off again, make me nice and hard so that I could fuck you when he's through. You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"John-" Two fingers slipped into his open mouth, cutting him off.

"Another time. I bet we could come so many times you'd beg us not to keep going." Another time. Were they going to do this again? And oh god, the idea of them taking turns bringing him off.

Madison came with a soft sigh, stroking Alex's thigh as he did and John wiped his hand on Alex's cheek before going to grab a washcloth. Cleaned Alex off before tossing it to James. When Alex went to sit up, John pushed his shoulder back down. "Stay. Please? Lafayette's not going to be back until much later and he knows y'all are here."

Alex looked to Mads, to see what he would say, but the man just reached down to pull his boxers back on before laying back down.

Which meant that was settled. When Alex finally drifted off to sleep, it was with his head on John's chest and Madison curled around his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the last time smut will probably show up directly in the fic. That being said- I am taking requests for 'vague future verse' as we approach writing sad times.


	113. Chapter 113

Monday morning came far too early.

Saturday had begun with Alex crawling into bed a little after five. They'd slept over at the murder house after their activity, and he hadn't expected to see them again until the afternoon. But John had driven him and Mads to go pick up the car before going for his morning run. Whatever the reason for his early morning jostling, it'd given Aaron an excuse to sleep in, Alex curled completely around him. 

For as interesting as their respective Friday nights had been, the weekend had been mundane. Grocery shopping, cleaning the house, movies on the couch. Aaron had even ventured to say that Lafayette had mentioned maybe going to check out the art museum at some time. Alex had surprisingly not taken it as an opportunity to joke about them kissing just said that Laf was right- John would hate it there and he hoped that they didn't bicker too much. Seemed pleased that they were trying to get along.

It'd been nice. Which only made how much he was not looking forward to going to class worse. It felt strange, but for the first time since he'd started college- he was beginning to understand why people skipped classes without attendance policies. His grades were obviously still important, but he also had a life outside of them. One that was more enjoyable than sitting in a room and taking notes about something he wouldn't remember in two years.

"Come on," Alex teased as he dragged him out of the bathroom where they'd been brushing their teeth. "It's not that bad."

"You're only so perky because you don't actually have to go to class." Alex's face dropped slightly and Aaron flinched. "Sorry, I didn't sleep well."

Which didn't excuse throwing that in Alex's face considering there was little the man wanted more than to be back in classes. Thankfully, Alex seemed to rebound quickly enough. "The sooner you get to class, the sooner you can come back and nap. I'll even give you a foot massage."

"My own personal cheerleader."

Alex grinned his approval as he shoved a carton of yogurt in his direction. "So I was thinking that maybe you could drop me off at the library today? And maybe tomorrow?"

Anything that Alex wanted. Within reason. But Aaron raised an eyebrow, slightly uneasy with the way the man bounced as he asked. It was entirely possible that he just had energy to burn, but considering their history, it was hard not to at least ask questions. "What's so interesting at the library?"

"John's got a paper and I told him I'd helped with the research." When Aaron didn't back down, Alex shrugged slightly. "And the writing. Maybe. It's not like he can't write his own paper-"

John was perfectly capable of writing his own stuff. His speech could be plain, and it tended to get worse the more frustrated he became- but Aaron couldn't deny the man was smarter than expected. "He'd just rather spend his time boxing? Poking frogs with sticks?"

"John doesn't box," Alex corrected, looking entirely too serious. "He's taking some sort of science class this semester that involves hanging out in the woods a lot- so poking frogs without sticks isn't entirely off the table. He'd rather hang out near the creeks than write a paper comparing metaphors and allegories. Can you blame him?"

No and it was entirely likely that Alex offered to help him out, which meant he couldn't exactly get annoyed at John for asking. Maybe it would be a good thing. Alex could use it as a way to keep the wheels greased so to speak, without actually having to be in class. "Tell him that if he gets mud in the house, I'm making him clean it."

It felt entirely bizarre to think on the fact that it hadn't been that long ago that he'd been anxious to say anything again Laurens and Lafayette. Even understanding John's motives, it hadn't changed that they were the violent duo.

But John, though relatively quiet when he wasn't being egged on by Lafayette or Alex, was more than just his aggression. Loyal to a fault, more protective over Alex than his own image- his social skills usually left something to be desired, but he was a good guy. Lafayette, Aaron had a feeling he was never going to understand the man. Charming and suave when he wanted to be, and somehow also the equivalent of a child who didn't understand why he couldn't have exactly what he wanted.

Either way, the more he got to know the both of them, the less scary they seemed. Not that he planned on tempting Lafayette to prove him wrong anytime soon.

"We're going to be late if you drag your feet any longer-" Alex waved a hand, catching his mistake- "well, you're going to be late, I'm not exactly on a timeline."

Aaron glanced toward the clock and sighed, following his boyfriend out to the car. Drummed his fingers against the wheel. "You know I'm proud of you, right?"

Alex made a face, but he blundered forward. "You could sit home and mope. You could only come to campus and stay in my classes with me. But you're making a point to face this head on- and that's really brave of you."

It was meant to be a compliment, but Alex looked distinctly uncomfortable. Whether because he didn't like to be complimented or because he didn't like to be reminded how hard things were, Aaron wasn't sure. Slowly, to make sure that Alex had the chance to pull his hand away, Aaron reached over to squeeze it. Felt some of his anxiety lower when Alex smiled at him in return. 

When they finally got to the school, he grabbed his backpack out of the back seat. "You'll text me if you need me, right?"

"I won't need you." Alex seemed awfully sure of that fact. "Just get going, you know how much it sucks walking into a class when the professor has already started talking."

"We'll get lunch after?" The question earned him an eyeroll and a slight shove in the direction of his building, and Aaron accepted the hint and headed off to class.


	114. Chapter 114

It was almost halfway through their session when Franklin waved a hand toward his hair. "There is always the option of wearing one of your hair ties on your wrist, and popping it when you get anxious. Unlikely to be noticed by outsiders, but may provide a jolt to ground you."

Alex stared at the ceiling, well aware that he should probably be sitting on the couch instead of laying on the floor. Franklin didn't join him this time, though he had moved the coffee table out of the way so that Alex couldn't hide behind it.

Bastard.

"Isn't there some lesson about not encouraging self-harm?" Not supposed to hurt himself, he hadn't even bothered to see what Franklin's opinion would be on what happened with John and Madison. The last thing he wanted to hear was how his sex life might be hurting himself. Or that he was using it as a distraction, or trying to buy cohesiveness among his friends with his body.

Not that Franklin had ever suggested such a thing, but sometimes the questions about his motivations rubbed him a little wrong.

"Sometimes," Ben said, leaning back to give him a small bit of space. "We can't make the best choice. Maybe it takes too long, maybe we don't have the right skill set for it. Maybe what's best for us- hurts someone else. Sometimes we make a not-quite-good decision, to avoid a worse one. I think right now, so long as you aren't purposely doing it to hurt yourself with it- that it might be a route to try. Especially when you can't have Aaron or someone else with you."

Not that Alex wasn't to try using his coping skills too, but Franklin understood that sometimes he might need a little extra push.

There were more words, something about trying to keep track of his anxiety levels on a scale of one to ten while he was on campus, but before long, Alex was hoisting his backpack on his shoulder and heading for the door. Found Madison in the waiting room. It was at least the nice thing about Madison not having morning classes, it meant that he could take him to therapy considering Aaron's spread out schedule basically precluded.

Not only that, but he was pretty sure it meant Aaron had stopped going as well. Not that it was his right to question the man. Aaron wasn't the one who had to get a therapist's approval to go back to school.

The ride home was mostly silent, and Alex paused at the door, confused as to why Madison wasn't following him. Turned around to find him digging through his pockets, only to pull out a lighter and his cigarettes. When he realized that Alex was waiting, he waved him on. "Go ahead, I'm just going to smoke."

Smoke. "Do you miss it?"

Madison raised an eyebrow in response. "Smoking? It's less of a missing it thing and more of a craving."

Not smoking. Not Madison's not-quite-good decision that he showed no interest in actually changing. "The drugs."

The question earned him a sigh, and Mads took a seat on the steps, patting the wood next to him. Alex took the hint, even took the cigarette when Madison passed it to him. "I was wondering if we were ever going to talk about that."

"We don't have to." Didn't want Mads to think that it was his fault, what happened with Jefferson, just because he helped with the drugs. Didn't want to bring up that old blood. 

But Mads shook his head as he lit his replacement cigarette. "You have to understand that I wasn't like you. I didn't do uppers and I didn't use that often."

"Aaron used to hold me down." Sit on him, really. "The shakes used to get so bad. As bad as getting sober was- I shouldn't miss them."

In front of them, the smoke hung in the air, lingering and growing with each exhale. "But you do."

"I used to get so much done. All the time. And I had opinions and theories-" Ones that Madison probably remembered considering the amount of times Alex had tried to prod him into sharing his own stances- "I feel like I'm standing still. Aaron said he's proud of me but there's nothing to be proud of. I'm not doing a tenth of what I used to."

Nine months ago he could have finished the girl's paper in a single library session. Wouldn't have doubted its quality for a single second. Instead, he was doubting everything, including the fact that he was doing it. But what if this was his less-bad-decision? Just to prove that he could still do school work, that he still had it.

Madison hummed. "The stuff I did? Calmed me down. Made the world feel a little further away. That's easier to replace. You're going to need to quarter your expectation of ever going back to what you were like on 'em. I know you liked the productivity, but you were playing fast and loose with your life."

Quarter. Not even halve. It didn't matter that Alex knew that already, knew he couldn't reach those highs without the lows but it didn't make the statement sting any less. He wanted to be that person- just, without the drugs. But no amount of planners and highlighters was ever going to come close to chemical stimulants.

"I wasn't that bad." Most of the time. Except could Alex even mount that defense? Would he have stayed with Jefferson half as long if the man didn't control the keys to the castle so to speak? If he hadn't felt invincible? Alex groaned. "I guess that's part of it too, isn't it? Accepting that it was bad."

Madison's body next to his was warm, and he leaned into him even as Mads tried to shrug. "That's what they tell us."

Alex stared at the tip of his cigarette, before making a face and putting the rest out on his shoe. "I'm going to go brush my teeth. Are you going to come inside, or do you have to go straight to class?"

After checking the time, Madison stood up to stretch. "I have just enough time to enjoy lunch with you. Come on."


	115. Chapter 115

The first that Aaron did upon getting home, was drop his backpack off near the door. It'd been a long day and all he wanted to do was take a nap before trying to start on his homework.

The second thing that Aaron did upon getting home, was pinch the bridge of his nose. "Which one of them gave you a key? Or did you just pickpocket one to make a copy?"

"Little Burr," Lafayette held a hand over his heart as he said it. "I am wounded that you think me capable of such a thing."

Who gave him a key was suspiciously absent from his speech. So either he did pickpocket it, or he just out and out picked the lock. Fantastic. "I'm sure you are. Why are you here, Gilbert?"

At his house. Surprisingly, it was a little less aggravating than it would have been three months ago. A little less aggravating and not absolutely annoying were not exclusive, though. Houses had locks for a reason, and one of them was so that uninvited guests couldn't simply invite themselves in.

Still, Aaron couldn't exactly claim to be shocked, it wasn't as if he was under any illusions about how much Lafayette respected the law.

"I was expecting ma petite to be here." Lafayette frowned as he glanced around, almost as if he was expecting Alex to pop out from behind the chair. "My Laurens dropped me off, or I would have left rather than come in."

At least that explained the lack of car in the driveway. "How is John, anyway? I know Alex said he was helping him with a paper."

Lafayette's brow furrowed for a second, but whatever concerned him passed. "He is okay. Struggling, I think, with going back to classes. He does not like what people think of him."

"Maybe it'll be easier this year." At least, Aaron hoped so. Not only for John's sake, but Alex's. Their reputations wouldn't follow them forever, could they? "Especially with you around. He's not exactly picking fights anymore. A lack of bruises and wrapped knuckles should help."

Part of Aaron expected Lafayette to preen at the implication that he was a positive force in John's life, but instead he shrugged. "I still think your Alex would benefit from exercising with us more often."

"I think Alex is much more interested in trying to shove cupcakes in everyone's mouth." If Aaron were a jealous man, he might have made a comment about why Lafayette was interested in Alex exercising with them. Especially because Aaron was aware that John and Lafayette's definition tended to be a bit more hands on. "But I'll be sure to pass on the suggestion."

"Where is our little one, anyway?" Aaron cocked an eyebrow at the 'our', but Lafayette didn't seem to notice. "Hercules is very displeased that none of you have spoken to him since the party."

Hercules. Shit.

Aaron hadn't bothered to talk to anyone in that household. He hadn't even reached out to Angelica since classes began, though if anyone would understand, it was her. Still, he made a mental note to text her soon, to see if they'd be able to meet up for dinner sometime. "Tell Mulligan that communication is a two-way street. He knows how to text. We've all been feeling a bit chaotic here."

More importantly, he really hoped that Alex had been in contact with Maria. Alex probably wouldn't appreciate the comparison, probably didn't consider himself a survivor so much as someone who had something happen to him- but there were things those two could help each other with. Or at least, relate to one another in a way he and Madison couldn't. 

Lafayette made a noncommittal sound in regards to his comment. "And little Alex?"

Oh, he had asked where Alex was, hadn't he? "With his boyfriend. At the pet store."

"Are we getting a family pet?"

Again with the royal we. The idea that they were a family was also interesting, but Aaron wasn't quite ready to argue against it. Let Lafayette think what he wanted. "Not exactly."

Whether Alex and Madison had decided to go to the pet store to look around, or they had gone with intention to buy things for less than innocent purposes- Aaron didn't know. Didn't particularly want to know. He was happy to play his part in taking care of Alex's wants and needs, but he'd be lying if he said that he wasn't a little bit relieved that someone else was involved. Someones, most likely. He hadn't actually talked to Madison about whether or not he intended for Lauren to be a repeat customer- but Aaron highly doubted that John thought it was a one shot deal.

Unfortunately, Lafayette caught his drift, lighting up slightly at the implication. "Very naughty, your partners."

The house they were renting had a popcorn ceiling and Aaron stared at it, counting down from ten. Because no, enjoyable time at the play or not, he was not talking to this man about Madison and Alex's Mutt thing. If Alex wanted to broadcast his opinions on sex to the world, that was his right, but it didn't mean that he needed to be involved. "You still haven't actually said what you want. Do I need to drive you back to the- to your house?"

"I wished for Alex to watch a film with me." That was right, Alex had pointed out that he and Lafayette were taking the same class, if only on different days. "And my John will be back soon. Unless you are in a hurry to be rid of me?"

Aaron glanced at the ceiling one more time before sighing. "Do you have the film with you? We've got the same homework and if you're looking for company, I guess we could watch it together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am slowly but surely getting there- I'm dealing with some heart issues so unfortunately, it is taking me longer than expected.


	116. Chapter 116

"You know," Alex teased, "Accepting a dinner plan is not the same thing as agreeing to be molested."

Even though he couldn't see John's shrug, he could feel it considering the man was plastered to his back. From his spot at the stove, Lafayette hummed. "You must forgive mon amour, he has missed you very much."

Pointing out that they'd seen each other less than a week ago was probably pointless. "I'm sure he used those exact words-" The word too disappeared as he hissed, teeth setting into the tender juncture between neck and shoulder- "If you want to eat someone, your boyfriend is literally right there."

"Ah," Lafayette turned toward them, wiggling his eyebrows slightly. "I would not make such comments unless you are interested in a show."

"You're trying to get on Aaron's good side and I'm pretty sure he'd object to that." Probably. Then again, Aaron was turning out to be far more liberal in relation to sex than he'd originally suspected.

"Little Burr would not have to know." Lafayette shrugged as if he wasn't suggesting something akin to going behind his partner's back. "Alas, I am cooking. Laurens will have to amuse himself with you."

No, John wouldn't for the same reason that Alex wouldn't stick around to witness anything dirty between the two of them. Aaron seemed to have no interest in retracting his original 'do what you want with John' stance and Madison had invited him into their bed- but that didn't mean that Lafayette was allowed to be involved. Things were hard enough at the moment without introducing possible relationship drama. Despite his jokes, he was quite happy with keeping his boyfriend count to two.

Besides, Aaron was right. Dating multiple people took a lot of work and communication and considering everyone's history with one another- it was already a wonder that Aaron had opened up enough to let Mads in. "He doesn't like to be called little."

Something that Lafayette was well aware of, had even respected for a while. Laf turned back to stir his pot. "He was not granted permission to use my given name so freely. I do not think he can complain."

"It's a nice name." Not that Aaron was using it because he liked it. Sometimes Alex wondered if they were actually trying to get along, or if they were stuck in the weirdest game of gay chicken. "You should still be nice to him. For me?"

"What is in it for me?" There was a click as Lafayette turned the stove off and moved the pot to a new burner.

Why couldn't making Alex's life easier be enough? What happened to the Lafayette who wanted to earn his friendship back? "I'll do anything you want-" at Laf's raised eyebrow, he rolled his eyes- "Within reason."

That Lafayette seemed to consider, head tilted to the side before humming. "You will model for me?"

Before Alex could ask for context, John groaned. "Don't do it. He's only asking because I threatened to break his camera if he didn't get it out of my face."

Lafayette didn't defend himself from the statement, just worked on tossing his pasta before grabbing the plates. Which left Alex to think it over himself. Having his picture taken meant thinking about his body more- which he wasn't super fond of. But maybe it would be a progress thing. Like showering and hanging out on campus. "No using Aaron as an arm rest, no pointing out how short we are and I'll model for you."

Lafayette brightened at the statement, but John squeezed him slightly before walking away to grab one of the plates. "I'm still calling you the tiny trio."

Alex opened his mouth to argue, but shut it quickly. Considering Lafayette's earlier tit for tat, he was uncertain if they were aware that Madison and Aaron used to refer to them as the violent duo. Or their house as the murder house. Better to not dig his grave any deeper there. Instead, he grabbed his own plate and took a seat next to John at the table. "I'm not even going to ask what it'd take for you to not. I'd rather my ass stay in one piece."

The chances of John choosing something else- was unlikely.

"Are you sure? Lafayette's got this cool rig-" 

Lafayette's hand came down on John's shoulder even as he cut him off, "Shall we keep some things secret, mon amour?" When John rolled his eyes and nodded, Lafayette took the last seat at the table and continued, "How has ma cherie been, anyway? I have heard you have been on campus?"

Alex nodded, cheeks puffing out in discomfort. "Yeah."

It wasn't exactly the world's most pleasant experience. But it was progress and progress was important. If he had to make a few less than desirable choices to make it possible, well, hadn't Franklin said that was okay?

The previously jovial mood seemed to dissipate, and Alex flinched when Lafayette frowned. He hadn't meant to ruin the mood. Everyone else was going back to classes, actually having to deal with real problems. They didn't need to worry about him. He had this. He did. Before Lafayette could inquire further, Alex nudged John. "You declared your major yet or do you still have to wait?"

"Advisor wants me to wait." John shoved some of the food around on his plate, clearly unhappy with that fact. "Asked if I was sure I didn't want to do Exercise Science instead." 

"You like biology, though." Not to mention, John was good at it. Loved animals. If his people skills were a bit better, Alex would consider suggesting maybe a veterinary track. Maybe John would end up working in an animal shelter, like Martha. "You'll be able to declare soon, don't worry."

Across the table, Lafayette still looked concerned, but Alex focused on keeping the conversation anywhere but him. The less everyone thought about his issues, the better.


	117. Chapter 117

A sudden dip in the bed caused Aaron to crack open an eye, waiting for Madison to state his purpose. But the man just kept sitting there, an uncomfortable look on his face. Taking pity on him, Aaron sighed. "Is there something I can help you with?"

After class, Aaron had dropped Alex off at Lafayette's- something about hanging out with John or maybe it was working on the paper? Aaron couldn't quite remember. Either way, he'd come home and laid down, grateful for the chance to relax. How much he'd managed to actually nap before James came home he wasn't sure. "James? What's bothering you?"

"Mutt." Madison twisted to look at Aaron, fingers plucking at the blanket. "He's weird."

Next Madison was going to tell him that he was weird too. Or that their relationship was weird. One day Madison would realize that when he used a word to describe just about everything, it became useless in terms of communication. "I'm afraid you're going to need to use your words if you want me to know what the fuck you're talking about."

Really, speaking plainly was the least James could do considering he'd woken him up. "When you dropped him off today? What was he acting like?"

Aaron shoved himself so that he was sitting, trying to recall. "Tired? Maybe. But I mean, he'd been in the library all morning."

"He hasn't been sleeping well." Madison had a point. Lately, Alex had been the last in bed, the first to rise. Aaron had just assumed that was his own exhaustion- but if James had noticed it was likely something a little bit more than that. "But he's been napping after you bring him home. Like immediately."

Being on campus was probably wearing Alex out more than he wanted to admit, so that didn't strike him as off. "So have I. When I can, that is."

"We're not talking about your depressed ass right now." Aaron cringed slightly at the snap, and Madison rubbed at his face, clearly exhausted as well. "Sorry. Your in-denial-about-being-depressed ass. I'm not getting into another argument with you about that. I'm worried that Alex is pushing himself too hard."

They'd talk about the other later. Or maybe they wouldn't. Did it matter if James thought he was depressed? Aaron hadn't been able to see Theo since the school year started, and he didn't think it was that big of a deal. "Alex is a big boy, he can handle himself. He has therapy and coping skills to fall back on. Not to mention all of us."

After all, this was what Franklin had spent the whole summer prepping Alex for, right? And if the worst thing he was going through was being tired but struggling to sleep at night- well, there were plenty of college students experiencing the same thing. It wasn't like he was using again. There'd been no wired 3 AM wake up calls, Alex wasn't shaking all the time. None of the familiar fight from when Alex had been using. The occasional awkward daddy joke, meant more to lighten the mood than to act as an elbow in the gut.

And Alex would come to them if something was off, wouldn't he? If not him, Lafayette or John or James or someone. He had a support network these days, he wasn't alone and he knew that. Madison didn't seem as convinced. "I wouldn't bother you, except-"

Madison trailed off. Finally picked it back up after what felt like minutes of silence. "Feels like he's avoiding me. And if he is- I don't want to pressure him."

If he was, it wasn't as if Madison hadn't spent their entire relationship preparing to be dumped went unsaid. Part of Aaron wanted to argue that Alex wasn't avoiding Madison, after all, they ate dinners together. Madison was taking Alex to therapy, he'd taken Alex to school and picked him up earlier this week. But he could also understand where Madison's concerns. Could see where the doubts came from. Maybe Alex didn't want them all to date, maybe he wanted to make sure Madison had someone if Alex left.

"I don't think it's anything like that." At least, he really hoped not. Last time they'd talked, Alex had seemed interested in keeping his relationship with Madison. Had seemed to be listening to Aaron's advice about trying to foster it as a separate organism from his relationship with Aaron. Not to mention the fact that if he dumped James soon after James arranged the thing with John- well, Aaron didn't want to think about what it would say to Madison. "But I'll try and talk to him."

"Don't." Madison flopped onto his back. "I don't- just make sure he's okay. Eating and showering and all that shit."

Aaron nudged his shoulder with one hand. "That's not all you're worried about, though."

Whether Madison wanted him to or not, the topic was going to come up. And if Alex really was getting ready to dump Madison, then Aaron had some strong words for him. But Madison just made a face again. "Leave it. If I wanted someone to stick their nose in my business, I'd have talked to French Fry."

Aaron made a non-committal sound before curling back up in bed. If Madison didn't want to talk? Then he didn't want to talk. Aaron could figure out what to do about Alex when his boyfriend came home.

Until then? He was going to sleep.


	118. Chapter 118

There were fingers in his hair, and Alex leaned back into the touch only to huff when Aaron spoke. "It's getting oily again. Do you want to shower with me this morning before heading to campus?"

No. He'd been trying to do it himself again. Had even succeeded once so far. "I think I might stay home today."

Showering was an entire process without Aaron to help him. There were candles to be lit, time needed to convince himself to actually get in the shower. Alex was following Franklin's suggestions, listening to music and doing his best to make it feel like a safe place.

The problem was that it wasn't the bathroom that was inherently unsafe. It was his body.

Alex's nails bit into his thigh briefly, but he made a point of relaxing as Aaron's hands drifted from his hair to his shoulders, rubbing them before disappearing to make a breakfast of his own. When he was finished, Aaron dropped into the chair across from him. "That's okay. You've been going a lot lately. No reason you shouldn't be able to take a day off and sleep in."

Except Alex wasn't sleeping in. Wasn't interested in sleeping. There were still so many things that needed to be done. Madison had cut back on his hours, but was still working at the smoke shop. Swore it'd only be temporary, but it wasn't as if Alex was oblivious to the reason why the man had dealt for as long as he did. Mads wasn't like Aaron or Lafayette, didn't have what seemed like an endless stream of income or financial support. Aaron seemed to be splitting his time between sleeping and studying, something about not wanting to fall behind. As if he could, this early in the semester, but Mads had encouraged him not to say anything about it. To just let Aaron be.

So far, Alex had managed to knock out a few papers. None of his old clientele, but definitely people who had heard about him through word of mouth. But being in the library during the day, combined with the Aaron and Mads situation, meant things weren't getting done around the house. If nothing else, laundry was piling up and needed to be done. Alex didn't mind wearing clothes more than once, but it didn't seem the most Aaron of choices.

Eventually, Aaron left and Alex made a mental list of what needed to be done. Cleaned up the bathroom a little bit, trying to figure out how bad it would be later. His nerves were a bit fried, but nothing he couldn't handle with a little help.

Laundry came next, and Alex glanced toward the bathroom again before deciding that it could wait. The washing machine was loud enough, the addition of the shower might wake Madison up before he actually needed to leave for class. Instead, Alex headed toward the kitchen to make muffins and maybe some egg cups. The sorts of things they;d be able to eat on the run. 

He'd just managed to pull the first batch of muffins out of the oven when Mads came wandering into the kitchen, half awake with his backpack over one shoulder. When he saw Alex, he froze, probably trying to process that he was indeed there. 

"Morning," Alex murmured as he went to snag a kiss. "Aaron's on campus already. I decided to try and get some stuff done here."

Madison hummed his acknowledgment, one arm wrapping around Alex's waist, pulling him in. The omelet cups were ready to go in the oven, but Alex returned the sleepy hug, rubbing Mads' back. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah." Madison's forehead was warm against his neck. "Just don't want to go to class. Or work, for that matter."

The impulsive part of Alex wanted to tell him to skip. They could smoke and hang out, and Alex could wait another day to wash his hair. But that wasn't responsible and he'd feel bad if James ended up staying just because Alex mentioned it. "Grab an energy drink on your way? I think Laf mentioned going to visit you at work if it's raining."

Considering most of Lafayette's exercise equipment was in his basement, there was literally no logic to his excuse that he couldn't work out if the weather was rough- but Alex appreciated the man's offer to take him to go see Mads. Figured it was just that, an excuse to see the both of them, a way to try and help.

It took Mads a moment longer to extract himself and Alex stuck his eggs into the oven as the man figured out something to grab for breakfast. "You going to be alright?"

That was something that he expected from Aaron, not Mads. "I don't need a babysitter."

Madison stared at him for a moment before frowning slightly. "We alright?"

Alex rolled his eyes, nudging him with his shoulder. "Yeah. Now, go to class. Wait around much longer and you're going to be late."

When Madison finally left, he kind of regretted pushing him out the door. The eggs didn't need much time in the oven, and after he put the load from the wash into the dryer and started a second cycle- there wasn't much left to do.

Except take a shower. 

Even the thought of it sent his heart racing, and Alex knew that he shouldn't- but least bad decisions right? Double checking that Madison hadn't come back, he headed back to the bedroom to grab his backpack, reaching for the pack of smokes that James had left him.

Specifically, for the baggie inside the pack. Aaron didn't smoke, Mads had his own- it'd felt like the safest place to keep the white pills Brunette had given him. He'd only taken two or three so far, to keep him on campus and each time it'd made him feel better. Maybe a little tired. But the exhaustion was worth it for the moments of peace. Just a little bit of calm, that's what Madison had called them.

Had said they weren't as bad as the stuff that Alex used to do. Didn't make him shake, or make him want to fight. Alex popped one in his mouth, swallowing it dry before shoving the baggie in his pocket. Scrounged around for his lighter so that he could light the candles in the bathroom, only to panic when he couldn't find the candles on the counter.

Didn't like the fact that he could still panic. Maybe he hadn't taken enough? Counted over the pills in the bag, made a mental note of the ones that would be coming his way soon. Didn't want to take them all, didn't want to run out. Needed them if he was going to keep doing this on his own. But he had enough. He could take one more?

Maybe another if that didn't help.

Alex swallowed it down and dug under the counter for wherever Aaron and Madison put the candles.


	119. Chapter 119

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for hospitalization for at least the next couple of chapters. Most hospitals vary, but I am writing from a point of experience. I know last time I had a few people that would rather read all the sads together and catch up when they don't have to worry about being left in a cliff hanger. If you would like me to tell you when it's over- just leave a comment saying so and I will happily reply to you when it's over so you know it's safe.

At the front of the room, the professor was rambling about proper research methods. As if they were a class of freshmen, instead of upperclassmen. And if that wasn't bad enough? Aaron's phone kept buzzing. After the third nasty look from the girl next to him, he made his quiet apology so that he could duck into the hallway, lifting his phone to the ear.

Felt his stomach drop at Lafayette's voice on the other end of the line. "If you would not mind- your presence at the emergency room would be most appreciated."

Before Aaron could try and figure out who was at the ER, there was a click. 

It didn't matter. Alex or John, even if it was Lafayette being eerily calm with some sort of injury- he had to get there. Lafayette wouldn't have contacted him if he didn't believe it important.

Froze when he finally did. There was blood on Lafayette's shirt, Alex curled on his lap, asleep. His lack of consciousness aside, Aaron swallowed at the sight, trying to process not only the bandage on Alex' head- but the reason it was visible.

Lafayette didn't smile when he noticed him, but he did nod, acknowledging his presence. "It is not bad. The razor slipped."

If it wasn't that bad- Lafayette motioned with his head for Aaron to take the seat next to him. Didn't meet his eye as he spoke, "He is not well, Aaron. He says it was an accident, but I am not sure I believe him."

No. No Alex wasn't. But being depressed or having PTSD or whatever it was that Alex was dealing with- didn't mean that he was trying to hurt himself because he had a shaving accident. "He's never cut his own hair, I could see it."

"I am not referring to his hair." Lafayette continued to rub small circles through the back of Alex's shirt. "Our little addict got his hands on something he should not have. He was in quite the state when I found him."

A woman at the front of the room called out Alex's name and Lafayette sighed. "If you will walk him over there?"

It was only when Aaron stood up and reached for him, that he realized Alex hadn't been asleep at all. Eyes barely open, he stumbled to his feet, fingers clenching in Aaron's shirt. As carefully as he could, Aaron slipped an arm around his waist, helping support his weight as they walked toward the nurse. "I'm afraid you can't go back with him for this. If you're ready to drop him off, you could leave now- if not, once the evaluation is done- you may be allowed to sit with him until we can find a bed."

A bed. Alex wasn't coming home tonight, was he? When Aaron went to ask a question the nurse glanced over at Lafayette. "I need to get Alexander here back, your friend should be able to explain."

When he saw him approaching, Lafayette stood, and Aaron followed him outside. Stared as the senior walked far enough away that he could light a cigarette. "Dreadful habit. But if there were ever an occasion-"

Trust Lafayette to decide it was the time to wax poetic. "What happened?"

"I texted ma cherie to ask if he would be interested in a late lunch- the response I received was quite unintelligible." Part of Aaron wanted to snip at him again, to see if Lafayette would get to the point- but the man seemed to be collecting his thoughts. Trying to figure out the words. "He said he was not trying to hurt himself. Only trying to calm down. But I do not know-"

Alex wouldn't try- Not that. But then again, a few hours ago and he wouldn't have believed that Alex was on drugs again. Aaron stared at the emergency room doors. "Do you know what he took?"

Lafayette shook his head. "I am afraid not. Only that he took too much. He was in quite a state when I found him."

"Are you sure it was to warrant this?" Maybe they could have kept him at home. Aaron had helped him through getting sober the first time- there was no reason to believe he couldn't do it again.

But Lafayette held firm. "He is unwell. We do not know what he took, nor would he tell me where the rest were. Do you wish to worry every time he is out of your sight?"

No and Aaron knew from experience that Alex didn't do well with the concept of being made to stay with someone. Before Aaron could suggest trying to come up with another suggestion, Lafayette snubbed his cigarette out and tossed what was left in a nearby trashcan. "I think it is best we head inside. They will likely treat this as an attempt, the nurse warned me he will almost definitely stay the weekend wherever he ends up."

Wherever ended up being a nearby psych ward. An hour in the waiting room, two hours in a room in the back, Alex tucked against him but not talking to Lafayette. Angry, most likely, at being brought here against his will. After a while, Lafayette left, murmuring something about John in Aaron's ear.

John. Fuck. Aaron snagged his phone, shooting a quick text to Hercules and Madison, praying that neither of them would too upset with how long it took to tell them. He was far too tired to deal with any sort of argument.

"I don't want to be here," Alex mumbled after a while.

It wasn't as if Aaron could blame him for that. "I'm sorry. I should have been there. Maybe I should take the semester off-"

Alex cut him off, "Don't. Please don't blame yourself, and I just- I don't know. I didn't- please believe me. I wasn't trying to do what they think."

"It'll be okay." At least, Aaron hoped so. "When you get out- we'll figure something out. They're just going to make sure you're safe in the meantime."

They'd get through this. They had to.


	120. Chapter 120

Alex plucked at the material of his sweatpants. Sweat pants, because they wouldn't allow him to wear jeans. Or have shoes with shoe laces. Or keep most of his belongings. Aaron had brought him clothes that he was allowed to wear, but once they transferred him to the hospital- they hadn't let him back. Visiting hours were over. Rules were rules.

He'd been there less than twenty-four hours and he was already beginning to hate the rules. By the time they'd prepared his room, all there was left to do was to check his vitals and send him to bed. Vitals were to be checked in the morning and at night, but other than that, Alex had tuned out the rest of the schedule. They'd tell him what to do when it came time.

Something that had turned out true when a nurse wearing a burgundy outfit woke him up bright and early. Led him around the facility in a sort of mini-tour. There was a laundry room off to the side, but he wasn't supposed to do his own. Just put it in a paper bag and give it to the nurses. There was a small room, where they did medical check-ups, as well as two rooms where people would meet with their doctor if it didn't happen in their room. A room with a tv and exercise bike, as well as mostly bare bookshelves. A small fenced in yard could be accessed down the far hall. In the middle of the building was a large room, where groups met and meals were to be eaten. 

Apparently, he'd missed the chance for morning snack, but breakfast would be in thirty minutes. First, they needed to draw blood. To check if he was okay after the suicide attempt.A word they were throwing around far too loosely in his opinion. It hadn't even occurred to him that he could die until he'd started vomiting.

They'd just finished poking and prodding at him when another nurse called out his name. "Alexander, you have a visitor."

A. Meaning not plural, and yet he couldn't think of who would come alone. Unless they were only allowing one person to see him at a time. When he walked into the small lobby area, he saw Mads waiting for him, carrying a container. One of the nurses, the one who had woken him up that morning, escorted them to a room where they could be mostly alone. Even then the walls were glass, reminding him that he was under observation.

"I brought pancakes," Madison said awkwardly. "The guy at the front made me give him the plastic knives and the drinks. Apparently, they need to be unopened bottles if I want to bring them in. No caffeine either."

More rules. "I'm sorry-"

Madison cut him off, "If you're going to say you weren't trying- I know. Aaron and I got into it when he came back home. You'd think between the two of them they'd have had half a brain and thought to talk to me before bringing you here. But who talks to the drug dealer about things that involve drugs."

"Nobody here believes me." At least he had one person on his side. "How long do you think they'll keep me?"

"I'd say a few days, but I doubt the doctors are here over the weekend. But hopefully, you'll be out before the next one."

At least he'd be able to see the doctor once before the weekend came. Maybe that would get him out of here sooner. "Aaron going to class?"

"Yeah." Madison pushed one of the plates of pancakes toward him. "He'll be here for lunch. They seem to have visiting hours lined up with meal times. Lafayette mentioned coming by for dinner."

Alex wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wasn't so much angry as hurt. Lafayette did ridiculous things all the time, he and John both had their fair share of injuries that should have been seen to by the hospital. But apparently they could choose what to do about their health, but Alex couldn't. Alex was a risk to himself. Alex wasn't to be trusted.

And could he even be mad at him for that? Hadn't he proved Lafayette's point? Alex took the fork out of the plastic and pushed the pancakes around. Madison sighed. "You want to eat that. The food here is probably gross and they won't let you keep it."

Of course not. Why would Alex be allowed any sort of comfort. They had to control every little thing he did for the next who knew how many days.

Once Alex started eating, his boyfriend relaxed a fraction. "Am I allowed to ask what you took?"

"Not sure?" He wasn't even trying to be an ass with that, but Alex hadn't bothered to ask. "You must think I'm an idiot."

Madison gave half a shrug, one shoulder rising and falling. "I think you've always been reckless when it came to drugs."

From anyone else, that might have stung. But he couldn't exactly argue with Mads, more so than anyone, the man knew exactly what his previous habits had been. "I really fucked up this time, didn't I?" 

Aaron would have comforted him but Mads didn't bother contradicting him. The rest of the meal passed in relative silence and eventually a nurse came by to let them know that visiting hours were over. With Madison gone, Alex laid down in his room, staring up at the ceiling.

"Mr. Hamilton?" Alex sat up. "We have our first session, if you would like to join us."

No, Alex really wouldn't. Instead of responding, he curled up on his side. Eventually, the man turned around and left him alone. Maybe when Aaron came by he could ask him for a book. If that was even allowed.

With that reminder of his limited freedom, Alex went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Addict fact of the day: A large number of overdoses occur during relapses because over time you build up tolerances. Over time you also lose them. So when someone has been sober for a while and then relapses- if they try and take what they used to- it can have worse side effects than they'd been expecting.
> 
> Addict + Psych professional facts: It literally does not matter how many times you tell them 'I was not trying to commit suicide'- if you consume a large number of pills- they will not believe you. I've been with my therapist for a year and two OD's and when casually referencing my symptoms, she still refers to them as suicide attempts instead of 'I panicked and shoved things I thought would make me calm down in my mouth' anxiety attacks.


	121. Chapter 121

When the door creaked open, Aaron closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head. "I'm going to change the locks."

"Would it be cruel to point out that if I could not have gotten in- we might be in a very different position right now?" Lafayette asked as he settled on the foot of the bed.

Yes. Yes, it would be cruel and fucked up and yet he didn't really expect different of the man. Even if he wasn't trying to hurt himself, Alex had overdosed on an unfamiliar drug. While they'd been waiting for Alex's room to become available, one of the nurses had pulled Aaron aside to talk about that. About making sure that all pills were kept out of the house or locked up.

Addicts, she said, had a tendency to justify that what they were taking wouldn't be enough to kill them and entirely forget that a large number of drug-related deaths were due to asphyxiation. 

"I am worried about you, Aaron." His first name sounded odd on Lafayette's tongue. Especially with the concern there.

It was too early for Lafayette to have gone and seen Alex, which really only left one option. "You mean James is concerned."

"Not precisely." Better yet, James was still pissed at him. As if Aaron was the one who had any part in the decision-making process. By the time Lafayette had bothered to contact him, they were already at the emergency room. Did Madison think they could have just walked out at that point? 'Sorry to have concerned you, we're going to take the overdosed college student back home. No worries, we're also college students and obviously extremely well equipped for this.' "How did your visit with little Alex go?"

As poorly as expected. "It might as well be a prison."

"I do not think prisons have such nice visiting hours," the statement was dry. "It cannot be that bad."

There were bars on the windows. He'd had to be buzzed into the first lobby, present his id and consent to being patted down before they'd buzzed him into the second area. Another set of locked doors before he could actually see Alex. They were allowed to coexist in two rooms- the main group room and a smaller room. While Aaron was there, he'd counted no less than twenty nurses and staff members, all patrolling around. 

Pairs of rooms shared a bathroom, and as such, apparently they stayed locked. Alex had made a joke about them wanting to discourage him from showering, considering he would have to find a nurse to use it at all. After breakfast, they'd given Alex a piece of paper, where he would circle his meal choices for the rest of the day. Salad, Chicken tenders, or mystery meal. Alex hadn't mentioned it, but the absurdly large white board on the side wall had hosted a schedule fitting on a kindergarten classroom. Every hour of their day planned out- with small bits of free time in between. 

No. It wasn't prison. But it wasn't exactly living, either.

Lafayette smiled grimly when he said as such. "It is only temporary."

Temporary. As much as he didn't like the idea of Alex being inside, he also wasn't sure what he was going to do when Alex was let go either. 

"How am I supposed to protect him when he gets out?" It felt strange, asking Lafayette for his input. But it wasn't as if he could tell Angelica about what happened. "He wouldn't tell you where what he had left was. I can't be there all the time. I- He was doing so much better."

"He is doing so much better," Lafayette corrected. When Aaron gave him a look, Lafayette shrugged. "A single slip does not undo the progress he has made."

Maybe. But this didn't seem to be a single slip up, from the sounds of it Alex had been using again almost since school started back. Had directly lied to him. Claimed he was helping John, when he was really picking back up old habits. And for what? To do it by himself rather than ask for help. Why hadn't he trusted Aaron? Or Hercules? Or Lafayette? Any of them.

Sweet sentiment or not, it wasn't a statement he felt comfortable commenting on. "How's John taking it, anyway?"

Lafayette glanced off to the side. "Not well. He is not interested in joining me at the hospital tonight."

No, John was probably taking it personally. Or if not personally, still as a warning sign. He'd just gotten his best friend back, and Alex chose to go back to drugs the first chance he got. 

Madison would be angry at the phrasing. Aaron was the one who chose to get involved with someone on drugs, he was the one foolish enough to think it would be easy getting sober. To think that a few months sober, away from all the usual triggers meant that Alex wouldn't succumb when presented with the chance to use again. That being sober in a secluded bubble, or being sober constantly attached to Aaron's hip was different than being released into the wild.

Honestly, it'd been the most passionate he'd seen James get. Trust the drug dealer to get up in arms over the habits of drug users. Aaron flinched at the direction of his own thoughts. Alex would correct him- former drug dealer and Madison was probably right. They should have expected something drug related.

"At least tomorrow is the weekend." Aaron would be able to go for every meal. How ever often Alex wanted him there. "He's going to hate me for it, but I guess we need to turn the house upside down. Make sure there's nothing else there. I don't want to try and convince him to go to classes with me and I'm not sure I'm going to feel comfortable leaving him alone not knowing what's in the house."

Lafayette drummed his fingers on the bed. "What if he were to come with me?"

"I'm not sure he'd be more fond of that idea." The idea that Alex would be, twisted his stomach. Had they somehow grown apart and he hadn't noticed?

But Lafayette shook his head. "I did not mean to class. What if you all were to come to the house? Surely between the four of us- it wouldn't be too long alone."

"Recent attempts at friendship aside, we'd kill each other." While it was reassuring to know it was on the table, considering John's current feelings, and the way he and Madison were snipping at one another- much less his and Lafayette's long standing issues-

They'd murder each other. There had to be another option.


	122. Chapter 122

Lafayette's hand trailed over what was left of Alex's hair, careful to avoid the spot where he'd nicked himself. "Ma petite, your pretty, pretty hair-"

"It'll grow back." Eventually. It'd been almost down to his shoulders and it would take forever, but it would grow back. "How bad does it look?"

The lack of immediate answer told him all he needed to know. Alex lifted his head, whining slightly when Lafayette accommodated the motion by shifting to stroke his cheek instead. Part of him appreciated the touching, the physical comfort of it all. But the rest of him was well aware of the eyes on them at all times. After lunch, a nosy patient everyone called DJ had asked about Madison and Aaron.

Alex wasn't ashamed about dating men, but they weren't on their liberal campus anymore and even on their liberal campus- dating more than one person came off as odd.

Not that he was dating Lafayette. But he was definitely being the most physically affectionate of his visitors. Alex closed his eyes and nosed Lafayette's palm. "I haven't even looked at it yet. I don't turn the lights on in the bathroom."

Still found himself reaching up to put it in a ponytail, or trying to brush it behind his ear. At the time it'd seemed like an answer. Alex hadn't been able to find the candles, but Aaron's razor had been under the counter. Taunting him. His hair being oily seemed to be the visual tell that he needed to shower, and if it wasn't there-

"You will always be our pretty girl," Lafayette reassured him.

Alex huffed. "Not a girl, Laf."

Not that he actually minded the comment that much. Alex just didn't want to examine why he didn't care that John and Laf liked to refer to him as a girl. Lafayette cocked an eyebrow at the brush off but didn't take the bait. Instead, he settled his hands on the table for the first since they'd come into the small room. "How are we handling ourselves?"

Was that going to be the question of his time here? What did they expect him to say? Part of him wanted to snip that as submissive as he was, he didn't actually enjoy being told what to do all the time. He'd been allowed to skip morning group, but after that, a nurse had come to talk to him. Explained that they understood he probably needed the sleep after his overdose, but that it looked better to go to groups.

Had tried to get him to talk about why he tried to hurt himself, and when he explained that he hadn't been trying to- had asked about the drug use. As if in the beginning he'd sat down and made a pros and cons list. The recent bout was easier to talk about. Madison had said it'd helped him calm down. That it'd been a bit of peace. It probably hadn't meant as an endorsement, considering Mads had decided to get sober- but Alex had felt trapped. Like he didn't have any positive options.

He hadn't wanted to disappoint Aaron by not being able to handle being on campus.

Had fucked up colossally in the process.

After lunch, they'd had an enlightening group about medication management. Because Alex needed to know what pill cutters were and that there were containers for medications that had the days on them. He wasn't even taking any medication, and considering the reason he was in there- he didn't think they'd be jumping at the bit to give him any either.

Not participating being a bad sign or not- he couldn't convince himself to go outside when everyone else had. Hadn't planned to drag himself out of bed for dinner until they'd announced that he had another visitor.

None of which he planned on telling Lafayette. "How's John?"

Because how was better than where. John would hate it here, would feel trapped. Even if he wasn't seething- it wouldn't be healthy for him to visit. Aaron had mentioned having to be searched, and John wouldn't have allowed that. Didn't like people touching him.

Lafayette took a sip of his drink, visibly stalling, sighed when he sat it down. "I do not know what you wish me to say."

"I wasn't aware it was a complicated question." Alex stared at the chicken sandwich that Lafayette had brought him.

"I will not lie to you and say he is fine." Of course not, none of them were. Alex had self-destructed and everyone who cared about him had been hit with the shrapnel. "I do not think you should be worrying about us, however, while you are in here."

"What else am I supposed to do?" Alex looked to the ceiling, not willing to let Lafayette see him cry. "Not exactly like there's a lot to do here. They only let us have pens and pencils during groups and those get collected at the end. As if I'm going to stab myself in the eye with a writing utensil."

"You need to focus on taking care of you." There was a creak, most likely Lafayette tipping the chair to balance on the back two legs. "I will take care of our little family."

When had they become a family? "There's nothing to focus on with me. I fucked up, I took drugs- I won't do it again."

Probably. If Lafayette sighed one more time, Alex was going to start twitching. "You lied to little Burr, you used my Laurens as an excuse- you turned to none of us. Not even Monsieur Madison. This was not a dark party where you made a bad decision."

Alex rubbed at his face before finally looking at Lafayette once more, stomach twisting and head spinning. "You know what I told Aaron? In the beginning? That some people don't want to be saved. Maybe you're right. Maybe this wasn't a single bad decision. Maybe John had the right idea in the beginning."

He was through the door before Lafayette could get out of his chair- and for once, all the nurses around played to his advantage. Alex was able to make it back to his room without worry of the man following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the 8th is the anniversary of the reason why I went to the hospital the last time- and the 10th is officially the day I went in. Obviously, I have a lot of Super Happy memories regarding them. On much brighter news- I have a bunny now and he's adorable.
> 
> And I'm going to take a minor break tomorrow from TAB to write you all some lovely vague future verse smut- either Aaron's first time having actual sex with the poly fam, Alex and Laf's first time, or Aaron topping Laurens. If you have a preference- either my inbox on tumblr (I'm back at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle) or in the comments.


	123. Chapter 123

Screw changing the locks, he was going to get a restraining order. Aaron had woken up early enough to go get pancakes for Alex, only to be turned away at the door when he arrived. Somehow between lunch and that morning, Alex had decided he didn't want visitors.

And the most likely reason for that was standing in the doorway to his room. Madison had left around the same time he did to go to work, which meant that his last hope of it not being Lafayette was out the door.

Just about the time he went to twist around, to get off his stomach, a body flopped on the bed and Aaron swore. "I swear to fucking God, Gilbert du Motier, you shit head asshole, if you don't get the fuck off my bed-"

"Wrong asshole." It took Aaron's brain a moment to process, especially with the amused laughter coming from the doorway. "Impressed, though. Didn't know you could swear like that."

Aaron exhaled into the pillow before lifting his head enough to mutter, "When did my bed become a revolving door?"

"When you started fucking my best friend." Matter of fact.

Because Laurens still didn't know that Aaron was ace, or that he wasn't actually fucking anyone. But it felt weird to bring it up now. "Laurens."

"Where'd you learn his name anyway?" Because why get to the point when he could comment on Aaron's mouth. "Fucker didn't tell me till we were basically dating."

Just as Aaron was contemplating curling back up and ignoring them, someone peeled the blanket off of him. Thank the heavens he'd worn boxers to bed last night, considering for the first time since they'd started living together- he, Alex, and Madison had all been sleeping in separate beds. 

"It is time to get up, little Burr," Lafayette practically cooed. 

"Fuck off." Aaron gripped the pillow just a little tighter, well aware that if he wanted to, Lafayette would just pick him up entirely. 

Something Lafayette probably considered before shrugging. "I will make us lunch."

Once he was sure that Lafayette was gone, Aaron turned to actually look at John. Took in the irritated skin around his eyes, the messy ponytail, a ring of bruises peeking out from his shirt collar, but the most important thing wasn't something he could see- "You're drunk."

It was the wrong thing to say. Beyond their interesting second interaction, Aaron hadn't generally been scared of John, but there was something positively lethal about the man's smile at the moment. "Why? Going to punish me?"

"Laurens-"

John reached out, fingertips brushing the side of Aaron's shirt. "Anyone ever tell you that you're hot when you get all stern, Daddy?"

Aaron had died. In his sleep. Really, that was the only explanation for both Alex refusing to see him, Lafayette breaking into his home, and having John Laurens do whatever the fuck he was doing. Aaron had died and gone to hell. This was punishment, plain and simple.

Breathing out through his nose, Aaron attempted to collect himself. "Why are you here?"

"I needed you, Daddy," John whined, pitching his voice to mimic Alex.

Which really, really wasn't cool at the moment. Aaron shoved himself to sit up, and when he did, Laurens followed, almost crowding his space.

Fine. If Laurens wanted to act like Alex? Then Aaron would treat him like Alex. Surprisingly the man didn't put up a fight when Aaron wrapped his hair in his hand. Just exhaled, long and slow, body drooping slightly as he relaxed into the hold. It was if all the fight had drained out of him, with just that one small touch. Slowly Aaron lowered him back down, only releasing his hair when John was on his back.

If it was Alex, Aaron would pull him into his lap. But Laurens was not Alex, and he stayed sitting instead- stroking John's hair gently until the man drifted off to sleep.

Awkwardly crawled out of his bed to find Lafayette in the kitchen, making grilled cheese sandwiches of all things. Unaware of the eyes on him, Lafayette actually appeared haggard. Not theatrically over apologetic, not in control, not angry. Nothing for show. Just tired. 

Human.

"It is rude to stare, Aaron." Lafayette turned, plate of sandwiches in hand as he glanced toward the hallway. "Did he finally sleep?"

"Do you mean before or after molesting me?" At Lafayette's startled look, Aaron groaned. "Yes, he's asleep. Why are you two here?"

Lafayette shrugged, looking uncertain. "He wished to see you? I did not wish to deny him."

Laurens had wanted to see him. Wasn't just antagonizing him because he happened to be in the same room at the wrong time. Aaron didn't know what to think about that one. "He still drunk from last night or did he wake up to drink?"

"We have not been to sleep." Aaron hadn't exactly slept well, but he still cringed in sympathy. "My Laurens is not so good at being sad."

No. Neither was Alex. A match made in heaven, those two. "Go sleep with your boyfriend."

Because really, what else was there for Aaron to say? Bizarre circumstances or not, he was still pissed at Lafayette for whatever had transpired the night before. But Laf shook his head. "He does not want me."

"If you're trying to imply that he wants me-"

Aaron didn't know that he could handle that one. Lafayette rubbed at his eyes with both hands, looking as tired as Aaron felt. "He is angry and sad. We are not-" Lafayette seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to say. Whether because he didn't know how to phrase it, or just because he didn't like the concept of it- Aaron wasn't sure. "This is not a situation we can hurt one another better. You are the closest thing he has to a friend right now."

The idea that Laurens considered him in such a light almost made his chest hurt. "You both need to sleep right now. I want to sleep right now. You are free to use whatever horizontal surface you'd like to accomplish that. Sorry we don't have any rafters for you to hang upside down from."

It was petty, it was mean, but Lafayette smiled all the same.

Maybe by the time Madison came home, Aaron would know which way was up again.


	124. Chapter 124

John's hair wasn't quite as soft as Alex's, but Aaron did his best to run his fingers through it all the same. Tried not to feel alarmed when the man shifted, back of his head coming in contact with Aaron's stomach as Laurens tried to get comfortable on his thigh.

They'd woken up from their nap, but John was still nursing a hangover and Aaron wasn't feeling particularly steady himself. Lafayette had made more sandwiches, and Aaron had bit back a comment about eating in bed. Getting John to eat something was worth crumbs on his sheets. Besides, they probably needed to be washed anyway.

Lafayette sat at the foot of the bed, cross-legged as he looked at the two of them. Aaron might have felt self-conscious, or considered feeling bad for the man if it weren't for how often he picked up Alex. Let Lafayette be the one got to watch his boyfriend being weirdly affectionate with other men for once.

"Feeling any better?" Aaron asked after John finished his first sandwich.

Laurens shrugged, not quite answering and Aaron sighed. "Is this going to be a thing?"

It was like Alex 2.0 with more risk of actually getting decked if he pushed it. The fact that Laurens had remained docile for so long was impressive, but he didn't expect it to last much longer. When John continued to ignore them, Lafayette reached over to brush a piece of his hair back. "Mon amour, I fear we are overstaying our welcome."

That time John actively rolled away, burying his face in Aaron's stomach and Aaron glanced at the ceiling.

Alex 2.0 it was. Something that would be a bit easier without Lafayette watching him. "Why don't you go see how Madison is doing at work?"

"Are we sure?" When Aaron nodded, Lafayette left the room at a glacial pace. As if he expected John to suddenly protest that he didn't want to be left alone, or Aaron would change his mind after all.

A few silent moments passed, and then John muttered something that Aaron had to ask him to repeat. John rolled off completely, staring blankly into the air. "You didn't have to make him go away."

"Seeing Gilbert act like a love sick puppy was hard enough when he and Alex were fighting and I figured if he was being that helpful you wouldn't have thrown yourself at me this morning." With John finally off his lap, Aaron pulled one knee up to his chest, propping his chin up on it.

John bristled slightly. "What can I say, Daddy? I just can't help myself around you."

Aaron was going to throttle Alex for letting that tidbit of information slip. "You and I both know Alex doesn't have a Daddy kink. If you want to piss someone off until they hit you, I can get Gilbert to come back."

"Maybe I have a daddy kink." Even as it came out of his mouth, Laurens made a face. "I just- you made Alex feel better."

Was that what John wanted? Aaron to make him feel better? He'd been winging it with Alex and it wasn't as if they were exactly similar. "Do you remember what you told me? Back when you and Alex weren't on good terms?" John tilted his head but didn't speak up. "That you were good together once. Why don't you tell me about that? About before I met him."

It was a risky move. But John didn't snarl at him, so he figured that was a good sign. "Like what?"

The selfish part of Aaron wanted to ask a few things that he'd always been curious about. Like John's side of the story regarding how they met, or why he thought they never dated. But this wasn't about Aaron. Not really. "Anything. I know you're probably upset right now- but Alex isn't dead and I think you'd do well with a reminder of the good times you've had. I think we both would."

Alex had slipped up, but Lafayette was right- that didn't mean he'd lost everything and as much as they were all hurting, they also all needed to be there when he got out. John and Alex had come too far to fall apart again.

"How'd you get him in a dress again?" John wasn't doing as he was asked, but so long as he was talking, Aaron didn't mind.

"I think that was his own doing, actually." Had really only come around in the summer, if Aaron remembered correctly. "Though he did make a joke about it pretty early on. I asked if he wanted to be my sweet girl instead of a brat- and he asked if I'd like to see him in a skirt. That panties would uh- But that was before."

Before he and Alex were actually dating, before they'd been sexual at all, before he realized that Alex enjoyed playing with gender as much as he did. Though without his hair- Aaron really didn't want to think about the unintentional consequences there.

John nodded. "He likes panties. Got called a creep once in high school for trying to find a pair at the store."

This wasn't what he'd meant when he'd asked John to reminisce- but could Aaron really be surprised? "At least he didn't sleep with a girl so that he could steal them."

Because Aaron could see that. Especially of the Alex that he'd met in the beginning. Alex angry and sexual, with no filter, just a desire to get what he wanted at whatever cost. Aaron could see it play out in his mind. Alex wooing a girl just because she was a similar size to him. Purposely hiding them.

"He wore a dress for me once." John was still staring off, and Aaron wondered if he was trying to picture it in his mind. "Nicked it from the theater department. My pretty little girlfriend. Things were simpler back then."

"I heard you got into your fair share of fights over him." Pointing that out was probably against his point of trying to make John think of better times, but the man smiled at that.

Laughed a little. "Yeah. He always knew how to start one. Wasn't too good at finishing them, though."

Aaron could see that. Laurens rolled onto his side, still looking worse for the wear even with the smile. Like he was just a few seconds from breaking into tears. "This what you do for him? Just talk?"

"Sometimes," Aaron murmured as he laid down properly, unsurprised when John rolled to put his head on his chest. "Sometimes I would wash his hair. Or lay on him."

"Martha? At the place we went to over the summer-" There were awkward pauses between the words, but Aaron could handle that- "She said that rabbits lay on top of each other to show dominance. But that it isn't always a fighting thing? Sometimes a bun will want to be laid on."

Aaron brushed John's hair, gentle. "Are you calling us rabbits?"

He couldn't even get mad. Truth was, Alex would like that. 


	125. Chapter 125

"You know Aaron thinks you've said you don't want visitors, right?"

Alex cringed. That wasn't good, especially if the man then got it in his head that it was personal. "I was puking this morning. It's not my fault the nursing staff doesn't know how to communicate."

He'd actually managed to wake up in time for the morning snack, or rather, he hadn't slept well at all and the sounds of the early risers getting up had made him roll out of bed. Either the yogurt was bad or the weird caffeine-less coffee didn't sit well with him or the drugs were still catching up with him- whatever the reason, he'd spent most of the morning curled around the toilet in his room. Much to the aggravation of his suitemate, Charlie.

Charlie, like most of the individuals he'd actually talked to so far, didn't think he belonged in here. Alex wasn't the only person in the hospital who had done something stupid with drugs, though personally, he felt like there was a difference between 'stripped down naked in a Walmart' and trying to calm down but taking too many. They seemed to be getting along decently so far, though Alex was getting a first-hand look at what dealing with him while on drugs must have been like.

Beside Madison, Lafayette frowned. "I am sorry if I upset you last night, little Alex."

"All I wanted to know is how John was doing." No, he didn't expect Lafayette to say that his friend was doing fantastic, but he wanted to know still. "Didn't need the lecture on how badly I fucked up. Nurse Rachel said it's probably a bad time for any sort of serious talk anyway. With the stuff still in my system- my emotions are a bit haywire."

The nurse had actually been really nice. She'd followed him a little after Lafayette had left to make sure that he was okay, and to give a weird little pen. It was basically the ink cartridge of an ink pen with a soft plastic cover. She'd even brought him a little pad of paper- the kind with the glued top so that there were no wires involved. Rachel had apologized for how specific the rules were. That they were meant to keep everyone safe, but some people needed them more than others.

Unlike the rest of the nurses, she hadn't asked about his past. Or why he was there. Just wanted to make sure that in the moment he was okay.

"I will endeavor to remember that," as he said it, Lafayette tentatively reached out to take his hand, and Alex allowed it.

Didn't think a thing of it until Mads snorted. "Y'all are weird too. Do you just collect boyfriend-types?"

Holding hands with another man while his boyfriend was right there probably wasn't nice. But Mads seemed more amused than mad. "We don't act like boyfriends."

Madison just raised an eyebrow and Alex groaned. "He has John, remember?"

"John. Who is apparently trying to take your place with Aaron right now. Maybe y'all should switch places."

John was trying to take his place? He must have looked alarmed because Laf squeezed his hand. "Mon amour has simply run into a problem he cannot solve with his fists. Your Aaron is much better at that than I am."

If not his fists, Lafayette tended to solve his problems by forcing people to do as he wanted. Laurens didn't have the same charm to make that happen. "I hope Aaron can make him feel better."

Aaron was good at that. Maybe Lafayette and John could learn something from him. Or maybe Mads would get to them first, and they'd get a tea collection. Or start listening to classical music to deal with their feelings. Madison reached out to rub his head. "We'll figure it out."

"I have offered for you all to come stay with us," Lafayette said. "There is more than enough room at the murder house."

Well, that answered the question of whether or not they knew that their house was referred to as that. Alex cringed around the same time that Madison rolled his eyes. "Maybe if your house didn't look like it came from a horror movie, we wouldn't call it that."

Lafayette's lip twitched. "What can I say, it is, how you say, my aesthetic."

Ridiculous children. At least they were having fun with it because Mads knocked their shoulders together. "Y'all going to get it all dressed up for Halloween?"

The question was met with a groan. "I fear my Hercules has claimed the house for that evening. I fear for my furniture."

Hercules. Alex folded into himself slightly at the name. Did Herc know where he was? Was he disappointed in Alex for going back to drugs? If he knew- would he visit him? At least Aaron thinking that he didn't want visitors at all explained his lack of company for lunch, but Alex also understood that Aaron couldn't come all the time. Most of the other patients didn't seem to have any guests at all.

Carlos had even mentioned that. Alex had yet to figure out why he was there, and it felt rude to ask. Some of his fellow ward mates offered their stories willingly- some of it was gossip. There was a girl Alana who had apparently made a suicide attempt. The only other girl at the place he didn't know the name of, but she had an eating disorder if the way the nurses hovered over her at meal time meant anything.

Many of the patients made phone calls, but he'd only seen two other visitors.

Was that to be his fate too? The nurses said he'd most likely only be there a week or two, but what if they were wrong? He'd only talked to a doctor briefly on Friday, what if they decided he needed to stay longer? That he was a threat to himself. Some of the patients had been there for months. Months of strict schedules and gross hospital food. Of only getting to the sunshine once a day- no outside contact.

Alex would drive himself up the wall.

When it finally came time to leave, he walked them to the lobby. Didn't even complain when Laf picked him up when he hugged him. Held onto Mads as long as he could, face pressed into the shorter man's neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Names have been changed, some details have been changed, but I am giving you mostly legit reasons why people ended up in the hospital. Also, things I probably won't include, but wanted to share- hospitals- at least in my area- are largely filled with people of color. For a lot of shitty reasons (poverty leading to lack of care, a couple of people who were directly out of prison. One who they'd completely screwed over because they'd convinced him to go to the hospital two weeks before his release- and he'd been hospitalized for two months when I met him. People being more likely to force hospitalization, race being a factor in whether or not staff will release you to 'loving/supportive family' without being seen.) I mostly share this because I think people need to be aware. But also because 'freestyling before morning group' was a daily ritual- sometimes even the nurses would join in. My time there was miserable- but the nurses were the sweetest and 90% of the other patients were good people who probably wouldn't have been in there if they could access care regularly.


	126. Chapter 126

When Angelica sat down next to him on the bench, Aaron didn't look up. "Lafayette told me I might find you here."

Here being the bench between his and Alex's old dorms. "I wasn't aware that you and Gilbert were on talking terms."

"We aren't." At least that was a relief, Aaron wasn't ready for his entire world to be turned upside down. "However Alex is worried about you and had him get the number from his phone."

"So you know where he is?" Because that would make talking a little easier. Aaron wasn't quite ready to share that information with someone who didn't already know. Alex's privacy had been invaded enough.

Angelica nodded. "Lafayette told me. He also shared with me that you don't seem to be eating that much."

A tidbit that had to of come from John. Laurens had taken to hanging around the house whenever he could, wearing Alex's cologne. Even after Aaron had pointed out that by trying to smell like Alex, he was actually smelling like Aaron. John had just shrugged and continued to shove sour patch kids in his mouth. It was kind of eerie seeing him so quiet.

"Is it ridiculous to say I miss him? I saw him three times yesterday and I was there for breakfast." Only hadn't gone for lunch because he had class. Had considered skipping. "But I miss him. I miss him more than when I was actually away from him when I went to go see my grandparents. I miss him even when I see him."

"Have you considered that you aren't missing him at all?" Aaron must have made a face, because Angelica rested a hand on his knee. "You're allowed to be sad, Aaron. You're allowed to hurt."

Maybe. But right now his hurting didn't matter, he needed to make things better for Alex. So that Alex could come home. So that Alex wouldn't do this again. He should have noticed the signs. They should have known what the signs meant. Alex's time in the library. The suddenly spells of sleeping. Avoiding James when he was 'tired'. Madison had gone over the facts.

Had bitterly commented that at least Alex hadn't been trying to break up with him. Just following in his footsteps.

Sometimes, Aaron wondered how much blame James carried on his shoulders without faltering. Knew if he asked that Madison would just make another joke about it being a big brother thing. Taking responsibility for other's mistakes.

Had James told his mother what was going on? Could he without revealing things he didn't want his family to know? How was he coping if he didn't have his family to rely on?

Angelica squeezed his knee. "Come on, let's go get a coffee and at least get a muffin in you. If you get any skinnier you're going to waste away."

Aaron remembered when Alex had gotten sober the first time, how pleased Aaron had been with the weight gain. With the little plump to his stomach from actually eating regularly. How before that he'd said a similar thing to Alex. Been horrified by the way he ate mostly junk, if he ate at all.

With that in mind, he allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. Let Angelica pull him to the coffee shop, didn't even complain when she paid. Sat at the table for a moment, nursing the warmth. "Thanks. Enough about me, how are you? How's the job?"

"Still doing the online thing mostly. I did manage to get a small part-time position with a local non-profit." Something that Angelica was hopeful would turn into something more. Being a Schuyler, money wasn't exactly a concern. What mattered was that she was doing something that she believed in.

Her husband was doing well, too. "Though I will admit to feeling a bit like a cliche. Gradute, get married, what's next? Having a baby?"

It was meant to be a ridiculous statement, but Aaron found it wasn't that hard to imagine her taking care of little ones. Though if he remembered anything from their time together at the women's center, Angelica wasn't particularly interested in adding to the population. Too many kids out there that needed homes. That was Angelica, always believing there was something more to do. "Maybe taking in foster kids would be more your speed."

Angelica tilted her head at the suggestion. "Wasn't Alex a foster kid? I'm not sure we're actually ready to take a kid on long term."

Yes. How Angelica knew that, he didn't know. "Alex was a foster kid. One of the rare ones who didn't have family waiting for them. A lot of kids in the system are only there while their parents get their act together."

It was something he'd learned about in one of his sociology classes. Kids ended up in the system because their parents were in rehab, or needed time to get back on their feet. While adoption was a fantastic option for many of them, just as many of them needed a stable place for just a few years. Some tlc to rebuild their trust. Someone to care for them, feed them, let them be kids instead of a number in the system.

Maybe with the way that things were going, with gay marriage being legalized, one day he'd be allowed to take one in too. With Alex- if they stayed together.

The idea that they might not stung.

"Maybe once I'm more stable with a job. I wouldn't want to uproot them again if I need to move away." No, that wouldn't be good. "But it's a good thought. You really think I'd be a good mum? You don't think I'm too career minded?"

"I think you can be career minded and be a fantastic mum." Of course, it would be a balancing act, but if anyone could do it, it was Angelica. "When the time comes- whether you have your own, babysit for Eliza, or foster- I bet you'll have the time of your life."

Angelica laughed at that a little. "Somehow I doubt I'll be babysitting for Eliza anytime soon."

"Why not?" 

"Unless she's planning on fostering her own, or getting invitro done." Oh yeah, that was right. She was with Maria now. "Not to mention the whole being a nurse thing. Her hours are long and unpredictable. Though, who knows, maybe she'll end up with a girl who is happy to be a stay at home mom."

Maria would probably like that. She could be a PTA mom and take her kids to soccer practice. And with Schuyler money behind her? No doubt they'd have the most spoiled kid this side of the pond.

Angelica reached across the table to rub his arm. "See, there. I knew you could still smile."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I got them all but if you see any keysmashes- let me know and I will delete them. This chapter was written with a bunny in my lap and he randomly would decide that my laptop was In His Way.


	127. Chapter 127

Maria's feet were kicking his shins under the table. Not enough to be painful, but enough to point out that she was displeased.

"You've got to stop with this 'I'm so afraid of disappointing people that I end up making decisions that are fifty times worse than if I just owned up to the fact that I was struggling' shit." Hercules looked exhausted and Alex couldn't help but wonder if it was school in general- after all, the man was a senior- or Alex being in the hospital.

It was only day four and he was beginning to adjust to the schedule. To the routine of it all. Had yet to go outside, didn't care that the nurses kept telling him it would be good for him. Didn't want to stare out the bars, didn't want to see what he couldn't have.

Alex rubbed at his face. Didn't they understand that fighting with him about this wasn't a good idea? Not while he was still inside. "I would have been fine. I shouldn't have let myself get that upset, but it's not like all of it was bad. I was managing the pills fine."

"That's the addict in you talking." Alex flinched when one of Maria's kicks caught a spot that was beginning to get sore. "You can't manage the pills just fine. You'll start out taking a reasonable amount- maybe. But then it'll get worse and worse and worse. And then Jefferson and all the other drug dealers win."

Maria didn't know. Alex had to remind himself that. Maria didn't know what Jefferson had done, just that he was a dealer. Just that he was Alex's dealer. 

Still, his throat felt like it was closing in. There was a lump in his chest and he couldn't breathe. Jefferson would have gotten out of rehab by now. What if he came back? What if he was still angry? At Alex. At Aaron. At Madison. What if he tried to hurt them while he was still in here? Alex wouldn't be able to do anything. Wouldn't know if someone didn't tell him. Didn't have any way to know if Jefferson was back. Jefferson might already be back- it wasn't as if Alex would have seen him unless he came into the library. What if-

A hand settled on his shoulder, and Alex jerked away from it. Looked up at the nurse helplessly. "What's your number?"

Number. Number. Number. They went over the chart every morning and every night, sometimes during groups. But it was the first time Alex had been asked that wasn't a 'go around the circle' activity. "Six."

One was fine. Two was fine but not perfectly fine- it was fine but I stubbed my toe earlier and am still annoyed at myself. Three was edging out of fine toward neutral. Four was neutral. Not good or bad. Five was Not Good. Seven was an emergency. Not there, not there, Alex wasn't there. Wasn't a threat to himself or others. Not there.

Then again, when he'd been swallowing all of those pills he hadn't considered himself a threat to himself either.

"Take a deep breath for me." Alex swallowed. Held it. Shallow breathing encouraged panic attacks. "I'm going to get you some water. But if we can't bring that down to a four, I'm going to have to ask your guests to leave."

Alex didn't want that. Didn't want to look at them either, felt like an open wound. Too vulnerable to be poked at. The nurse reappeared and Alex accepted the styrofoam cup. Stared at it a moment before sipping some of it. Promised the nurse he would be fine. Tried not to roll his eyes when the man said he'd be in to check on Alex later. Because that was what he needed, a reminder that he was a child who couldn't keep his emotions in check.

"Alex-"

Hercules cut her off. "Just don't bring him up."

Maria looked halfway to tears and Alex flinched. "It's fine. She's right. It's my fault-"

That he'd freaked out. But Hercules all but growled. "If you say what that psychotic motherfucker did is your fault-"

"Calling people psychotic because they're violent creates an unfair dichotomy for people who are actually psychotic. Aka half of the people in here." Easier to focus on that than anything to do with Jefferson. "Literally all one needs to be considered psychotic is to have trouble discerning what is and isn't real- like hearing or seeing things that aren't there."

They'd talked about that in morning group. About stigma.

As if Alex needed any more of those against him.

Hercules opened his mouth, then closed it, apparently reconsidering what he was about to say. "It still isn't your fault, what he did to you. Ain't nothing you could have done to deserve that shit."

"Can we not talk about this?" The styrofoam on his cup gave way under his nail. "Before they decide to put me in that lovely room with all the pillows."

Definitely not the thing to say if he wanted Maria to look any less horrified. "Those really exist?"

"It's more a room where they strap you to a bed and sedate you." He'd already seen one guy end up in there, really didn't want to be the second.

Wanted, one day, if Aaron or Mads were open to it, to be tied up. Something he doubted would go well if all it reminded him of was this place. There'd been a time that he thought Aaron might be. They'd done so well in the mountains and sure, he hadn't known Aaron was ace at the time- but he wouldn't have minded being told that. But ever since Jefferson- 

It felt like an uphill battle. The first time in the shower afterward had been nice, getting to bathe Aaron. Helping Aaron shave his head had been good too. Flashes of good times, Aaron making him ask for kisses in the kitchen, him working with Mads that night after Angelica's.

But in general, Aaron didn't want to boss him around. Seemed afraid that it made him like Jefferson. Or maybe it was just the reminder of where Alex had been.

Jefferson had taken away his confidence with his body. Taken away his ability to shower without anxiety, a lot of his enjoyment of sex.

And Alex had opened himself up to the possibility of another Jefferson. Another dealer with all the answers that would end up asking for far more than he was capable of giving.

Maria was right. He was letting Jefferson win. But it felt like letting Jefferson win no matter what he did. If he couldn't better, then Jefferson won. If he did drugs, Jefferson won. But making progress was taking too long, felt like standing in place.

"Number, Mr. Hamilton."

Alex groaned. "Five. They're fine- I'm just-"

"Visiting hours are almost over. Why don't you go say your goodbyes in the lobby and go back to the main room for evening group." 

Maria hugged him, wouldn't stop apologizing and he shook his head, enjoying the way her perfume smelled. "It's fine. I'll be home soon."

"You better be." Maria held him at arm's length, and Alex did his best to smile as she looked him over. "Who else can I drag dress shopping with me? Ever since that one started dating our other roommate, I'm practically sexiled."

Other roommate- "Peggy?"

Hercules shoved her shoulder lightly. "Now is not the time to talk about my dating life. We'll be back to see you soon, okay?"

Alex wormed his way out of Maria's hold so that he could hug Hercules. "Thanks for still caring about me."

The disgusted noise that Hercules made was just a bit overdramatic. "Go be sappy elsewhere."


	128. Chapter 128

Aaron didn't look up at the knock on the door, didn't bother to lift his head.

In all likelihood, it was Laurens announcing his presence. The hospital only allowed two guests at a time and Hercules had texted earlier to say he was taking one of the girls to go see Alex for dinner. Which was fine. Absolutely fine. Alex needed to know that there were multiple people in his life that supported him. That there were people to turn to even if he was scared of disappointing Aaron. Or felt like Aaron couldn't handle it.

The hand on the back of his neck made him realize his mistake. "You are coming with me, mon ami."

Mon ami. My friend. Aaron refused to look up. "Fuck off, Gilbert."

"This was not actually a request." Lafayette pulled his chair back. "You will walk or I will carry you."

Aaron pressed his head to the table, well aware that he was being stubborn. But Lafayette had no right to come into his home and demand he leave. Didn't get to threaten to pick him up. Aaron was a grown fucking man, and while he wasn't stupid enough to call the cops, he had every right to not want Lafayette there. 

"I will level with you." Impressive, Aaron wouldn't have guessed that Lafayette knew that turn of phrase. "If you tell me you have eaten more than a muffin today, I will leave."

Aaron considered lying. Instead he groaned. "Why are you talking to Angelica?"

"Up we go." Lafayette offered him a hand, and when Aaron still wouldn't take it, he bent down to pick Aaron up. Placed him on his feet a few seconds later, arms crossed and looking serious. "Car, or I carry you. I recognize you are not Little Alex, but I will take you over my knee."

"Shoulder," Aaron corrected. "Unless you'd like to tell me something about your relationship with my boyfriend."

Lafayette shrugged slightly, pushing Aaron forward, making him stumble a few steps. Fucker. Rather than be shoved again, Aaron continued to walk, rolling his eyes when Lafayette held open the front door for him. "One does not need to have a relationship with your boyfriend to know his preferences."

So he had meant what he said. "Lay a hand on either of us-"

"And you will remove my eyes with a fork?" Lafayette smiled at him as Aaron climbed into the car. "Or shall you threaten me as Monsieur Madison. Will you climb me like a skyscraper?"

When Aaron didn't answer him, Lafayette started the car, turning the radio down low. "You do not need to fear me. I much prefer our dates. Though, perhaps, if you had taken a hand to your boyfriend-"

"I know you are not about to suggest using violence to keep my boyfriend from doing drugs." Fuck, he was tired. Just wanted to go to sleep. "Because if so, you can turn the car back off and I will personally call Angelica and tell her what a piece of shit you are."

"You wound me." Lafayette didn't contradict that it was what he meant, and Aaron slouched back in the chair as Lafayette started in the direction of wherever he was dragging him. "I would also hazard to say that violence and discipline are different things." 

True. Laurens and Lafayette were both violent, but that didn't make them disciplined in any sense. "You tell Mulligan you were back in the kidnapping people business?"

"You may tell him when he gets home." They were going to Mulligan's? "If you are against discipline, perhaps positive reinforcement? Little Alex responds well to candy."

Asshole. "Please stop talking about my boyfriend as if he is a dog you can pop on the nose with a newspaper."

Alex deserved better than that. He'd panicked, he needed support- not his friends making inappropriate jokes. And if Lafayette was serious? It was even worse. "I am not the one who named him Mutt."

Lafayette wasn't going to back down. "I'd like to go back home."

"I am afraid that is not possible." Of course it wasn't, because Lafayette had to be contrary. It wasn't actually kidnapping, Aaron wouldn't throw the word around that easily- but he wasn't exactly pleased with the current course of actions. "I promise you will be in good hands."

"Your hands just threatened to spank me-" Lafayette looked far too delighted with his outburst, like a child wrapped up in a dangerous adult's body- "I hate you."

"And we were doing so well, little Burr." They had been. But Aaron wasn't exactly a fan of being forced out of his house, even if it was supposedly for his own good.

What a fine hypocrite he made, considering the way he'd treated Alex in the beginning. It didn't feel so nice being on the other side.

Eventually they pulled up at Mulligan's, and Lafayette at least had the decency to not threaten him into going inside. Instead Aaron was able to go at his own space, and he gave Eliza a helpless look when he noticed her sitting on the couch. "Miss Schuyler-"

"Don't you Miss Schuyler me. My name Eliza and you know it." True, but when she was looking at him like he was a misbehaving third grader- "Peggy and I made dinner. Angelica would have joined us, but she had a dinner reservation with the hubby."

Sometimes he forgot that all three of them were sisters. "You really didn't have-"

"Angelica's worried. Alex is worried." Why was everyone worried? So what if he wasn't eating as well as he should have- that would have never flown from Alex and Aaron knew it. Knew he wouldn't have accepted it. "John's in the kitchen. He seems to have swiped someone's shirt and I'm not sure it's Alex's."

No. Oddly enough, it was Madison's- though Aaron doubted Laurens knew that. Instead of commenting he fixed a plate and leaned against the counter the man was sitting. "Your boyfriend is an asshole."

"Yeah." John scooted just a touch closer. "You're coming home with us tonight."

Somehow, Aaron had been afraid he'd say that. "Last time I spent the night at your house- it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience."

Not that he wanted to pull up that old blood. John's leg pressed against his shoulder. "I'll let you tie me up this time." 

Like that, John was gone and Aaron rubbed his face, trying to keep his expression neutral as Eliza and Peggy joined him. Didn't want to stare at the door way too long.

Still. Alex 2.0 it was.


	129. Chapter 129

There was a rhythm to evening group.

First, they went around the circle and stated what goal they'd set in morning group and whether or not they'd accomplished it. Then they were supposed to say a 'good thing' about the day.

It wasn't that Alex didn't recognize the benefit of that. Franklin had talked about that sort of thing before, about taking small wins, about reframing.

But when someone was stuck in a psych ward? The wins were rather depressing.

Charlie had gone outside and played basketball. Alex had given Marcus his breakfast and dinner, which Marcus had then given out to people in exchange for more snack. Annabell had finally been able to talk to her case worker. Alex- Alex had seen his friends. Kept it to that. Tried not to feel better that they'd been sent away too soon. Just because he got a little upset.

Just because he showed a human emotion. This place seemed to go against a lot of Franklin's beliefs about all emotions being good emotions.

Franklin had mentioned going back over his safety plan when they saw each other again. A nurse had encouraged him to call earlier that morning, especially since Alex was supposed to have an appointment on Tuesday. Couldn't exactly go considering he was locked in here.

Surprisingly, Franklin hadn't sounded disappointed or shocked. Maybe that was just old age and experience, maybe he'd seen it coming. Alex rather hoped it wasn't the later. He'd promised he'd see Alex as soon as he got out and collected himself again.

Collected, because apparently leaving the psych ward was an activity in and of itself.

As if this wasn't already traumatizing enough already. Alex stared at the cheese and crackers he'd been given in the snack line, pushing them toward Marcus without comment. Most of the other men seemed to be hungry all the time.

"Mr. Hamilton?" Alex glanced up, nodded to show he was listening. "If you wouldn't mind coming with me?"

He's slowly been learning nurses names, or at least, their roles. But this one was new. An unknown. Most likely not a nurse at all if the way the woman was dressed meant anything. No color-coded uniform, just a simple pair of black slacks and a blue blouse. Alex followed her to one of the smaller rooms. Took the seat he was offered, trying not to feel too awkward about it as she sat at the desk. "I understand that you aren't interested in taking medication."

"Let's give the pill popper more pills." Alex slapped a hand over his mouth, flinching as he waited for the reprimand.

None came. Instead she waited and eventually he tried again. "I didn't think it'd actually be on the table. For obvious reasons."

"Short-term solutions, such as Ativan and other take as needed medications are unlikely to be prescribed." Part of him wanted to comment that he hadn't overdosed on one of those, he'd been using pain killers. But had he? Would he know the difference? "But I do think an every day anxiety med or anti-depressant could help. But you chose not to see the doctor today?"

"I don't understand what it could help, Ma'am."

The woman ruffled through some papers, possibly his records, if this was indeed her office. "What would you say your day to day symptoms are, Mr. Hamilton? Not what caused you to be here, I believe you when you say you panicked. But day to day- what bothers you?"

"I'm not as quick as I used to be." Honest. He was supposed to be honest, and that was it, laid on the table. "I'm not as smart as I used to be. I'm not as bright, the connections don't jump off the page. I spent less than a year as an addict- and I accomplished ten times as much as I have this last half year. I rely on people more, which means disappointing them. Because that's what I am. A disappointment. My mother is dead, my father might as well be- I don't have a trust fund. All I have ever had is my wits. And now I don't have those. Now I struggle to feed myself, now I struggle to take showers because while my brain used to be my biggest asset? My body used to be neutral. And now it is not. Now it is pulling me down."

He wanted to get rid of it. All of it. But he wasn't allowed to say that, they would just use it as more evidence that he was really suicidal. That Alex had really been trying to kill himself. Couldn't hate his body without hating himself. "I was just a poor college kid who saw a chance, who saw hope- when they were offered drugs. It was the answer to a question I had never thought to ask. It was my 42. I just had to figure out what I could do with it. But it wasn't actually the answer at the end of the universe, it was a scam. I was manipulated. By my dealer, by my RA's best friend, fuck- by my boyfriend. Because who can trust an addict to know what is best for themselves. And while some of those people had good intentions? My dealer did not. And now, I'm paying for that. That's what bothers me. That I made the mistake of hoping and got destroyed in the process. But I'm not allowed to be miserable. I'm not allowed to have a number higher than four, I'm not allowed to be upset and angry. I can be sad, because sad is allowed- but that's it."

"What do you mean by that, Mr. Hamilton?"

She really needed to stop saying his name. "If I cry, my boyfriend will hold me. My best friend forgave me for basically throwing him out of my life- because I was pitiful. People like pitiful things. But even then- they will move on. They get to go to classes and they get to go to work and one day, they will graduate and they will move on. And it is just a question of how much I am willing to hurt them. To hold them back with my crazy. To burden them with my damage."

Seven. Alex was at a seven. But she wasn't asking him that, wasn't rushing to hand him a glass of water because he was upset. "Do you have good times with your boyfriend? And your friends? You seem to have a lot of them, Mr. Hamilton."

That wasn't the point. "We have good times but that doesn't-"

"I've listened to you, Mr. Hamilton. I need you to listen to me, just for a second. Can you do that for me?" Alex nodded. "Has one of your friends not come to you because they felt you couldn't handle it? Not told you about their problems?"

Alex didn't need to answer for her to know that they had. "It didn't feel very good, did it? Imagine how they would feel if you chose to do the same to them? I am not suggesting that you turn to one person for everything. You have a therapist. You have a boyfriend, and you have friends. Sometimes when you don't feel well? You don't have to try and feel better by talking about it- or by going to them with your problems. Sometimes you just need to be distracted for a bit. Or reminded that people care about you."

As if he hadn't tried that. But she didn't stop there. "You will get to go back to classes. Soon. Friends are in different grades, all the time. But to get there? You need to deal with your day to day problems. Medication can help. With your relationship with your body, with helping you focus. Trauma? Mr. Hamilton, it can take a lot out of you. You don't know what you've lost in terms of wit, because right now your brain is dedicating so much energy and effort into pretending that you're okay. I'd like to prescribe you an anti-depressant as well, if you choose not to follow up with a psychiatrist after you get out? We can't hunt you down and make you come back. But I think it'll help."

They couldn't make him take it once he was out. Alex repeated that in his head like a mantra. "Okay."

"I know talking about things hurts, but if you keep pushing everything down? Then when shit hits the fan- it is going to hit the fan. Think of it like a balloon. You can choose to let the air out a little at a time, maybe put tape over the hole and let more out later- or you can let it go and watch it buzz around the room as you panic." Whoever she was, doctor or caseworker, she stood- and placed a hand on the back of his chair, encouraging him to stand. Walked with him to his room, hovering in the doorway as he went to sit on the bed. "It's up to you. You can push it all down. Keep your head down like you have been, do your best to make everyone around you not worry. Or you trust the people around you and get your hands dirty and stop wondering when the next break down will be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... That might have been cathartic. Anyway- I know I don't thank everyone personally- but I really do appreciate all the support/comments/kudos. Y'all are fantastic.


	130. Chapter 130

If it weren't for the fact that Aaron knew that John was generally happy with Lafayette, he'd worry the man was hitting on him.

The fact that he knew John was wearing Madison's shirt thinking that it was Alex's also helped. But watching him pad around the kitchen- socked feet and sweatpants rolled at the waist- showing off that stripe of skin, underneath the too tight tank top- hips swaying as he went...

Lafayette had managed to talk James into spending the night as well and Aaron a feeling this was headed toward the man's idea about them all staying together again. Maybe James would be able to get it into that thick French head that there wasn't a chance of it happening.

Last night had been weird. John curled around him in Lafayette's bed. Being vaguely aware that either Lafayette and Madison had taken the spare bed together or one of them was on the couch. 

John lowered the music enough to speak. "Think they'll let me bring syrup?"

"I'd say attempt to bring the whole bottle." Better that than putting it in a bag or something and getting bizarre questions. "Please go put on real clothes before coming with me this morning."

It was probably a bad idea, him coming at all. John didn't seem super comfortable with the idea of being patted down, and he'd already taken a few shots that morning. But John had insisted that he was fine. That he could handle it. Aaron only hoped that he was right. 

"Why, you don't like my outfit?" John reached up to 'fix' his ponytail, dragging the shirt up just an inch further. "I think I look hot."

Two reasons. One, Alex wouldn't hold back from pointing out whose shirt John was wearing. James had thankfully taken one look and decided it wasn't worth asking questions. Two, there was a clear handprint on John's hip. A few more on his arms. While Aaron knew enough about their relationship to know John wasn't being abused, it wasn't worth causing trouble at the hospital. "How do you think Lafayette would react to me calling you attractive?"

John hummed, looking pleased with himself. "You should have seen what he did to me after I slept with your boyfriends."

There was no convincing those two that Aaron and Madison weren't dating, just like there wasn't a point in trying to get Alex to stop trying to make it happen. "Change. Now."

"Ooo," John teased, "Is this our stern voice?"

Aaron didn't bother verbally responding, just raised an eyebrow until John put the now packaged food on the table and headed back to the bedroom. Came back wearing a loose pair of jeans and hoodie, something that Aaron rather hoped wasn't hiding the tank top. Aaron grabbed the containers, relieved when John climbed into the passenger seat of his car.

Good. Aaron hadn't been ready to have that argument.

They'd made it about halfway there when John turned the radio down. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Aaron couldn't see a reason why not. "Of course."

"Why are you so cool with Alex fucking everybody?"

That hadn't been what he was expecting, but then again, John still didn't know that he was ace. "I'm pretty sure we have a firm rule about him not fucking Lafayette, so it isn't quite everyone."

John snorted. "You know what I meant. It really doesn't bother you that he and I-"

"Are you asking why I'm okay with letting my hypersexual boyfriend have sex with other people?" Hypersexual. Theo had given him that word. At least the correct definition of it, which Alex definitely fit. "Or are you asking if I'm okay with the idea of you two specifically? And not just letting it happen but secretly stewing."

"He cheated on you. And I wasn't exactly uh- graceful about it." No, John hadn't been. He'd try to rub it in Aaron's face the first time that they'd met.

But Alex and Aaron hadn't even been dating at the time, and Aaron had known how confrontational that John could be. Learning the backstory of the damage already down to Alex's and John's relationship also softened the blow. John had been a wounded animal trying to hold on. "I prefer it when you don't return my boyfriend bleeding and majorly bruised- but I also understand that both of you enjoy that kind of stuff. You can continue sleeping with Alex with no worries that it's doing damage to our relationship."

"Thank god." Aaron tried to hide his smile, probably unsuccessfully. "Do you know how long it's been since I topped? Last time I almost broke Lafayette's nose and we try to avoid that kind of thing."

And Alex wondered why Madison was hesitant about John and Gil's sex life. "Can I ask you a question?"

John nodded, and Aaron waited until he'd parked the car to figure out his wording. Thankfully visiting hours wouldn't start for another ten or so minutes. "Do you two ever... Not do that? From talking to Alex, at least it sounded like the two of you also had more conventional sex sometimes."

"We fight more often than we fuck." That was not what Aaron had asked, but okay. "Alex always initiated that sort of thing, or like, Madison brought up the idea."

Was John trying to say that he didn't know how to say he wanted sex without starting a fight? Aaron considered pressing his face to the steering wheel, or trying to offer some awkward advice. It probably wasn't healthy that John saw violence and sex so intertwined. Explained a lot about the way Alex had come to him too. 

Awkward advice it was. "Have you considered just kissing him? I'm pretty sure Gil wouldn't complain if instead of punching him one day, you gave him a back massage or kissed him."

When John made a face, Aaron sighed. "As much as I hate to encourage this- you could just think of what Alex would do. "

"And here I thought you didn't want them sleeping together." Before Aaron could reinforce that he would really, really rather they didn't- John had hopped out of the car and Aaron mentally counted to ten before following him to the first set of doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are winding up the psych ward, probably only a few more chapters of it.


	131. Chapter 131

Maybe if Alex didn't breathe, John wouldn't disappear.

Because there was no way he was actually in the doorway to the side room. Around four, Alex had rolled out of bed. Grabbed the make-shift pen and the paper the nurse had given him the other day and curled up at the table in there. Hadn't even gotten up for snack, though one of the nurses had dropped a thing of graham crackers next to him, holding a finger to her mouth as she went. 

Obviously, John was just the sleep deprivation talking. Aaron didn't like to talk about what it took to get in, but Madison hadn't spared the details. There was no way John had let someone pat him down, let someone check him for weapons. No way he'd willingly let himself get locked into this place, John got anxious in cars- much less this. 

And none of that even covered all the reasons why John wouldn't want to see Alex, in or out of the place. How badly Alex had broken his trust, John's issues with abandonment-

Except this wasn't a dream, John was there. John was real. Out of everyone- out of Hercules and Madison, Lafayette, Maria, Aaron- out of everyone, Alex hadn't thought he'd come. Would have counted on Peggy over him. Hell, would have counted on Blondie over John.

But John was there, in the flesh. Arms wrapped around him tight, fingers digging into the soft spots of his skin, teeth buried in his shoulder. John's back to the windows in the room. Aaron to their side, blocking the view if someone walked by and glanced in.

Still, if they were actually looking- Aaron coughed, apparently thinking the same thing. John huffed but took the hint, flopped back into one of the seats. 

Alex swallowed, fixed his shirt while Aaron took the seat on his other side. He should say something. Needed to say something. "I thought you'd be angry."

Angry because John didn't do scared. Aaron was wrong- Alex didn't think John was only fighting and sex, but that didn't change the fact that John's emotional range... it wasn't much better than his had been when he was using. There were good emotions galore, even some with less than good things behind them, like mania. But anger took the place of anything unpleasant because anger was energy and at least the energy could go somewhere. It wasn't like sadness that pulled people down, made them sleep all day. Wasn't like fear that paralyzed them.

No. Anger kept them moving, and more than anything, Alex understood that need. To never stop. To keep going no matter what the cost. 

Because when everything caught up-

Alex hoped it never did. Hoped John wouldn't crash and burn the way he was. Didn't want John to be angry the rest of his life, but never wanted to be on the opposite side of this table. Or worse. But Alex definitely didn't want to think about what that could mean.

"Am." John stared up at the ceiling, refusing to meet his eyes. 

Oh.

Alex should have expected that.

"The fuck were you thinking?" Alex didn't answer. What was the point? For the most part, nobody believed him that he wasn't actually trying to remove himself from the earth and every other answer sounded ridiculous. No, he hadn't accidentally consumed too many, he just- hadn't known what too many was. Not exactly like dealers were doctors who rattled off lists of side effects, and he hadn't even really been dealing with the dealers themselves. "Do we need to keep you on a fucking leash to keep you safe?"

"I'd let you." If it meant that John wouldn't be so worried- if it meant Aaron could sleep better at night-

Aaron squeezed his hand under the table and Alex took that and ran with it. "They uh, they put me on an antidepressant? I'll have to find a psychiatrist when I get out, Franklin said he can't do scripts. And I was uh, thinking of going to AA? Alcohol isn't my issue, but the core tenants are apparently close enough and we don't have a NA locally."

Not that Alex could find. But there were a couple of AA options, and sobriety was sobriety, right? 

"Laurens could go with you." That got his friend's attention, head snapping down to glare at Aaron, but the man didn't budge. "You're the one who wanted to put him on a leash. Holding his hand a few nights a month can't be worse than that. It'd help him a lot. You two could even go out to eat before or after. Wouldn't you like some time, just the two of you?"

That meant something. Alex wasn't sure exactly what it meant- but considering John softened immediately, there was something there. Which was a good thing, right? That John wanted to spend time with him? Even if he was mad?

Still, John wasn't quite done. "And what are you going to do to help your boyfriend?" 

As if Aaron didn't already do enough-

"I'm going to see a psychiatrist as well." What? Alex knew Aaron was seeing Theo- and that was a big Was. Hadn't been to see her since the semester started- "It was suggested a few months ago. It's easy, Laurens, to pack everything down and pretend things are fine- but I think we've all learned there are consequences to that."

To pretending that everything was fine. Which Aaron had been, apparently. But this would be a good thing, right? Franklin said that it wasn't common to get meds without also getting help. So that meant Aaron would go back to seeing Theo regularly and maybe the meds would help. Both of them. And Alex had to focus on that, on the future.

At least, that's what the doctors kept saying. There was a time for unpacking the past, it definitely couldn't be ignored- but unpacking the past, learning new things about it- had to be balanced with taking steps to make the future different.

It didn't matter how fast any of them were going, not if they were running in a straight line toward a brick wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three lost starts (no, I have not learned my lesson about typing directly into AO3), one computer problem that made it practically non-useable, and me avoiding my emotional problems like the plague-  
> and we /finally/ have a chapter.


	132. Chapter 132

Aaron stared at the tea kettle rather than acknowledging Madison directly. "I'm not living at the murder house." 

Not that James had said anything about the potential of going over there. Had come home to find Aaron at the kitchen table, free of John and Lafayette for once, and started to make tea.

Tea. The man was going to turn into a cup of tea and he was going to take the whole house with him.

A snarky thought that didn't stop Aaron from accepting the mug pushed in his direction. Madison watched him for a moment before shrugging. "Okay."

"You can go over there if you like." After all, even though James and John weren't buddy-buddy, they were doing a lot better. He wouldn't dream of asking Lafayette for a threesome. "You can take Alex with you, if you agree that it'd help."

Fuck, that hurt to say. But if it helped Alex? Aaron would let him go. He could handle living by himself, could get used to sleeping alone.

Madison didn't bother to acknowledge the statement. "When you going to see the doctor?"

"Next week." It wasn't worth asking how Madison knew. Either Alex had told him, or John had said something to Lafayette and it had been passed along that way. "She'll need to refer me to someone, but Alex and I can see the same psychiatrist. It isn't super approved of, but it's also not super frowned on, like seeing the same therapist would be."

They were going to have to work two therapist appointments and two psychiatrist appointments into their schedules anyway. John had been out of line with the leash comment, but he did have a point. It wasn't the time to trust Alex to do things on his own. They'd have to start over at square one and not allow skipped steps this time. Slow and steady would win the race.

John had been out of line- but maybe it'd been for the better that he had. They'd had a good conversation on the way home, even if John was insistent that he didn't need AA himself.

Drinking before 10 Am wasn't something to be concerned about. Neither was his habit of drinking to excess.

But it was fine. John didn't fight him too much on the fact that it would be good for Alex to have a buddy. Someone to hold him accountable for going to meetings, and keeping his promise. And who better than John? The very real reminder of what could be lost if a slip up became a relapse.

What better way to reaffirm that John was trying too, that even though this was painful, he was willing to stick around if Alex was willing to try and keep sober.

Framed that way, John had relaxed. Stopped seeing it as an insult. Had even let Aaron hold him for a moment before they both had to go about their actual day. Maybe the man would take his advice about Lafayette as well. Back in the day, they'd helped Alex find running as an alternative to fighting, maybe they would be able to find an alternative to their current foreplay.

At least some of the time.

"You ever think about what couple's counseling would be like for all of us?" Aaron must have looked alarmed, because Madison didn't wait for an answer. "I'm not suggesting it. My ass has enough to do. I'm just... who would even go with Alex. Me and you? John?"

"Might as well throw in Lafayette." If anything, John and Laf needed it more than Aaron and Madison needed it for Alex. "I was going to ask who would even think about taking the case- but honestly? Alex's Franklin is a weird enough dude."

Madison snorted. "It'd be great. I can see it now, group masturbation as a bonding method. You know he encouraged Alex to consider writing out some of his... more interesting ideas about sex, right?"

No, and Aaron didn't know how he felt about that. "You don't think he's-"

"Not to read it. But uh, there was something about how if Alex did it- to take a red pen? And afterward go through and try to circle things he himself thought might be unhealthy. And figure out a way to get there with that bit." Madison stirred his tea for a moment, looking at what was left and Aaron resisted the urge to make a joke about reading the leaves. "You really think he'd take all of us in at once?"

"Why, thinking of asking him for erotica lessons?" Deflecting, Aaron was deflecting-

"We need to talk. Or really, Alex does. We need to listen." Yes, they did, but was it really the right time for all that? Maybe once Alex had settled on the meds- but then he'd be starting school- maybe after that. "He's not going to get over Jefferson until he does. Jefferson took him in broad fucking daylight, no wonder he didn't feel like he could be on campus without taking something to calm his nerves."

Were they really going to talk about this right now? "I'm tired, James. I don't want to argue about this right now. Alex will talk when he's ready, last time I pushed the issue-"

The last time he'd pushed the issue Alex had turned into a bird. But he'd also told Aaron he loved him. What more was there to talk about regarding Jefferson? Did James think Alex needed to go over the account minute by minute? They knew. They knew what Jefferson did. They'd all seen Alex's chest, and even if that time wasn't sexual- they both knew that it had been before. After all, wasn't that why James had quit dealing? "Jefferson's gone. Unless you know otherwise- Jefferson's gone. He's on the other side of the country and he probably isn't coming back."

"He's still over there." There was a definitive tone to that, and when Aaron looked at James, the man looked away.

They seemed to be doing that a lot these days. "He still writes from time to time."

"To say what?" The original letter had been a half ass attempt to ask for forgiveness, part of the AA formula.

Was Jefferson trying to insist that Madison forgive him? Was he taunting them? Would he dare to try and send anything directly to Alex? Alex hadn't checked his PO box in ages, would there be a nasty surprise for them if he needed to? Aaron made a mental note to ask if Alex wanted him to check it for him the next time he was up there. Make sure he went when Alex couldn't come.

James rubbed at his eyes, looking as exhausted as Aaron felt. "Dunno. Burn 'em. Kind of cathartic."

Aaron could see that. Before he could ask if James would hold off on burning it next time, so they could at least read the thing- James was speaking. "Look, I'm tired-"

The sentence dropped, but James' face said it all. 

No shame, neither of them were used to sleeping alone and with everything else going on- "I'll be in there in a minute."


	133. Chapter 133

A woman in a white coat- Mrs. Forestor, Alex's mind filled in- came into his room, Alex sat up. "Good afternoon, Mr. Hamilton. How are we feeling?"

Alex wasn't so sure about the good part of the afternoon. Madison had come by for breakfast and that had been nice. He'd even convinced one of the nurses to let him make tea, under the condition that she was allowed to have a cup as well. To make sure that it wasn't laced, of course. Lafayette had come for lunch and that had been a little bit less nice, the man pressing his plan for Alex to stay with them. Didn't he understand that it would be better that way? Perhaps Alex should take another semester off, maybe even go to an official rehab facility.

Lafayette would pay for it all, if he wished. Or, if Alex wished to stay home, he had been looking into it- there were people that could be hired. Sober companions. That could go with him to classes if necessary.

Except Alex would be trading one prison for another.

Didn't like this place, with their rules and schedules. With the eyes on him at all times. Reminding him of his mistake.

Mrs. Forestor wanted to know if he was feeling faint. Dizzy. If he was finding himself dehydrated or nauseous. Moved down the list of possible side effects. Seemed pleased when he wasn't suffering from any of them, not bothered at all that it wasn't necessarily helping yet. It could take weeks for him to see progress.

Alex had frozen at that, internal panic taking over until she reassured him that he would be home sooner than that. They just needed to make sure he wouldn't have any harmful side effects before they let him go. But soon.

A light at the end of the tunnel. 

Group came next. They talked about sensory diets and the importance of routine. Alex jotted down a few notes, just enough to use as an excuse for why Aaron should stop grumbling when Alex stole his clothes. Comforting smells were important, after all. The candy too could be a vital part of his recovery. Alex's lip twitched as he considered asking if Aaron would put him on a reward system.

Found himself oddly enamored with the idea, so long as he was allowed basic comforts even when he screwed up. Because he would. No matter how much he didn't want to, didn't want to let everyone down again- he was going to panic. Freak out and not want to shower or get upset on campus. Shove Mads off of him when the man kissed him too hard, when he pulled Alex's hair-

Except he couldn't. Because Alex didn't have hair anymore. It would take a month to grow out long enough to lie flat. It'd taken him years to get his hair that long to begin with. 

Years of progress down the drain because Alex was a failure who couldn't get in the shower.

Franklin wouldn't like that. Would correct Alex, remind him that he wasn't a failure, wasn't a fuck up, wasn't crazy. He was a hurt person, still curling around his wounds. It was natural.

Alex stared at the paper he was sketching on. Didn't want to think about that anymore. Didn't want to think about how masculine he looked without his locks, how out of place it must be for Lafayette to still refer to him in the feminine case. 

He wasn't John's little girlfriend without his hair.

It was ridiculous to stake so much of his identity in such a frivolous thing- it was hair, it would grow back- but Alex couldn't help himself.

"Hey," Aaron's voice was soft as it came from the doorway. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"

It took Alex a moment to process that he's talking about the drawing. "No, please, I-"

Was it silly to say that it was good to see him? Aaron had been there yesterday. Even if they didn't get the chance to talk one on one because of John. They'd still been able to hug, to hold hands. It wasn't enough. Alex wanted kisses. Fear of the shower or not, when he got out, that was one of the first things he was going to do. Had only been taking bird baths the past week, rag and water from the sink. When he got home he was going to wash Aaron. Feather him with kisses if it was allowed. Make them a nest on the bed and threaten to never come out again.

"I miss you too," Aaron murmured, lips to his forehead before he takes what has come to be his seat, dropped dinner on the table. "I set you up an appointment with Franklin next week."

Next week. "You don't think that's putting the cart before the horse?"

"You'll be out by then." It's said with so much conviction that Alex almost believed it. "You'll be out by this weekend."

Aaron didn't know that.

Soon. Soon was too vague, Alex wanted a date. Wanted to count down the minutes. Wanted to go home.

"I saw Hercules yesterday after he left here." It sounded like something to fill the silence, since Alex had requested that they stop asking how his days were. How group went. "He wants to do a family dinner on Friday. I promised him you'd be there. That you'd make him a pie. He asked for chocolate. You can do that right?"

If Alex was out? He would. He'd make the best pie ever. Wouldn't leave the kitchen until it was perfect.

A few more bites of salad and Aaron ventured on to the next topic. "I was thinking along with going to AA, that maybe you could start going over to Lafayette's more often. Have a regular workout session."

"Are you calling me fat, Aaron Burr?" 

It was a joke, but Aaron looked stricken. "I just- it seemed to help back then. The running. Lafayette and I have decided to continue trying to hang out- and that would give you and John some more alone time. Maybe try to have a regular movie night too? We're in the same film class, and you're welcome to join us if you'd rather do that."

"Why the sudden interest in scheduling group bonding?" Because that's what it felt like. Not that he wasn't absolutely delighted at the idea of Lafayette and Aaron trying to get along.

Maybe they'd realize that they had more in common than not. 

Aaron speared a tomato before popping it in his mouth, most likely giving himself time to think. That was fine, Alex could wait. All he had was time these days. "Angelica thinks I need more friends. Made a good point about the women's center. How we all used to get together for all sorts of things. Movie nights, fundraising, crafts for events, bake sales. Community care days. Obviously, we aren't the women's center- but maybe it could help us. Help you."

"You don't have to do this all for me." Maybe he couldn't do it completely on his own, but that didn't mean everyone had to rearrange their entire lives around him. "The group bonding, trying to give me time to- to deal with more physical desires. The medication. I'll do better, I promise."

"I know." Aaron squeezed his arm, trying to comfort him. "If it makes you feel better, it was James who sort of pushed me toward the meds. Not that he specifically said that, but he's been plying me with enough tea to keep the ark afloat. Called me a depressed ass the other day."

Ouch. "You're only human and you're dealing with so much-"

"We all are. Not to keep bringing up the women's center, but I used to think about this stuff a lot more often." Alex tried not to cringe at that reminder, that he'd taken away one of Aaron's joys. Not that he'd done it intentionally, not that it'd even been his fault at first. But without Alex second semester, he would have been able to go back. And now he didn't seem to have enough of a connection to really bother. "I don't know. Angelica and I met for coffee this morning and it was good. Good to see her again and maybe- maybe we'd all do well to remember that there are people outside of us. Outside of our relationship, and outside of Lafayette and John."

Maybe. But it seemed like an awful lot of effort for Aaron to put in, and he was already do tired these days.

Maybe that was somewhere that Alex could help him. Maybe Alex could try and pull his weight in the relationship, help Aaron as much as he was helping Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... do the rapid updates make up for the radio silence? I'm actually really proud of myself- I knocked out about 4.5k between the time I woke up and the time I went to sleep. Not a record for me or anything, but back to my old speed.


	134. Chapter 134

Aaron's film professor glared at him the second time his phone went off, and Aaron muttered his apologies as he grabbed his backpack and left the room. It wasn't as if they were talking about anything important anyway, and he'd been thinking about going and getting Alex some cake from the Commons before meeting him for lunch.

"Hello- yes, this is Aaron Burr-" Aaron moved out of the way of the door, readjusting his backpack as he did.

Answered the woman's questions as honestly as he could. No, he didn't think there were any more drugs in the house. Yes, he did think that Alex planned to stay on his medication and not just quit the moment he got out. Yes, Aaron had already scheduled an appointment with both a therapist and a psychiatrist for the following week. Alex would have a way to get there. No, Alex would not be left alone for the first twenty-four hours.

Yes, he could be there within the hour to pick Alex up.

They had him wait in the lobby, the real lobby, not the makeshift one inside the locked doors and when Alex stepped through, all his belongings in a paper bag, Aaron wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Walked him to the car. Tried to come up with something to adequate to say now that Alex was out. To remind him that they could do whatever he wanted, whatever he needed now. No more rules about how much they were and weren't allowed to touch. No one judging his food, telling him when to sleep.

He'd expected the words to come easily. Expected Alex to be talking ten miles an hour. To vent about the people he didn't like, to share stories, to talk about what he wanted to do next.

They rode home in silence.

The paper bag ended up dumped in front of the dryer, with half a sentence about washing everything later. Even the things that had already been cleaned, Aaron wanted the hospital smell out. Wanted Alex to smell like Alex, to not be reminded of where he'd been.

But then they were left with nothing. Standing awkwardly in the house, Alex's eyes trained on the bathroom door.

Where he could have died. Where Lafayette had found him. That Lafayette had cleaned the vomit out of, the blood. If campus was a trigger- was their home one now too?

Maybe it was better to send Alex to live with them. Lafayette was right, he'd always protected-

Alex's fingers were warm against his skin, around his upper arm and behind his neck, as Alex pulled him down. Kissed him for the first time in a week. Desperate and wanting, grip almost bruising as he kept pulling Aaron closer.

"I've got you," Aaron murmured against his forehead. "I've got you. You aren't going anywhere."

Alex's response wasn't what he expected. "I need to shower."

He was right. Alex did need to shower, but considering what had caused everything-

"Can we-" Alex puffed his cheeks out, searching- "Is there a sheet to put over the mirror? I still haven't- my hair-"

Still hadn't seen his hair. Aaron squeezed him tight, just once, before stepping away to check the closet. Came back with a sheet, leaving Alex in the hall so that he could climb on the counter and tuck the sheet around the edges of the mirror. Slid back to the floor feeling satisfied.

If nothing else, he could do this. 

"Do you want-" Alex looked up at him, all wide eyes- "me to help? Or-"

Light a candle, buy a night light. Maybe paint the bathroom a different color. Aaron didn't think their lease had anything against that, and if it did, they could just paint it back at the end of the year. Aaron would buy all new furniture, refit the entire place if it made Alex feel more comfortable. He'd come up with the excuse for his grandparents, or grit his teeth and talk to Lafayette about it. Only if Alex wouldn't mind, though. Except they weren't talking about that right now, they were talking about Alex wanting- no- needing to take a shower.

"Please."

They'd done this what had to of been dozens of times, but it still felt new, undressing Alex. Pulling his shirt off, the instinctive half shake of his head that would have fixed his hair- the one Alex didn't seem to realize was pointless yet.

There was nothing sexual about the way Alex unbuttoned his jeans, hands solid on Aaron's hips as they pushed them and the boxers down. No tension, just touch, just skin on skin and Aaron hated himself for wondering if it was enough. He hadn't pushed Aaron for anything sexual since he found out that Aaron was ace- but before that- it'd been clear that Alex found sex reassuring. 

Alex needed all the reassurance he could get. Deserved it- and it wasn't as if Aaron hated sex, just- preferred not to participate.

"Stop." Aaron startled when Alex shoved him, the touch light. "Whatever it is you're thinking- just. Stop. I want to bathe you, and then, if you have to go back to class, I want to curl up in bed and take a nap."

Class. There was no way he was going, he'd promised they wouldn't leave Alex alone, but no one had realized he'd be able to come home today. They hadn't gone over schedules- and more importantly, Aaron didn't want to. Wanted to be here with Alex. "And if I don't have to go back to class? What do you want to do?"

"What I want to do every day, Pinkie." When Aaron didn't get the reference, Alex groaned slightly. "You had a deprived childhood. But also, laying in bed or on the couch and watching gay romcoms until my brain melts into a puddle on the floor sounds good to me."

With that said, Alex tugged him toward the shower and Aaron went. Didn't put up a fight when Alex plucked the washrag out of his hand, intent on keeping his word and bathing Aaron. On taking care of him.

If this was what would make Alex feel better, who was he to argue? So Aaron listened instead. Allowed himself to sink into the assured touch, even when Alex encouraged him to turn around and brace against the wall so that Alex could get his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick vote:
> 
> -Current plan which involves (but is not limited to) touching on -medication -a lil bit of AA -a subplot involving Laf+John+Alex -the photoshoot with Laf and Alex
> 
> or
> 
> -The Current Plan + Alex coming out as genderqueer/nb officially in TAB ( I mean. he is. like whether Alex says it in this fic or not- I have been writing him as having a fluid relationship with gender. It's just a matter of whether or not the.. 'so there's a word for this' comes.)


	135. Chapter 135

On one hand, the weight on top of him was comforting. On the other- "Get off of me, you big oaff."

Lafayette shifted, lifted his upper body off of Alex so that he could look down at him before shaking his head and collapsing back on top of him. "I am afraid, ma petite, that I am under strict instructions to take my Laurens' place. This is how I found you, is it not?"

Yes, he and John had been napping in John's room, but keeping Alex company didn't mean literally taking John's place. "And if he'd been balls deep in me? Would you have still tried to take his place?"

That time when Alex shoved, Lafayette rolled off of him. "Must we be crude, little Alex? What would little Burr think?"

Of John fucking him? Aaron didn't seem to mind. Not that they'd gotten up to anything untoward today. John seemed to be dealing with being upset by not quite talking to Alex while still being excessively physical- and as much as Alex didn't want John to be upset, it wasn't that bad. Reminded him a bit of Aaron in the early days, and it wasn't as if John had ever been the most talkative person. For all Alex knew, the quiet had been unintentional.

Sometimes it felt like everything that needed to be said had been said at the hospital. That nothing new had happened since. What was the point in going over and over the fact that Alex needed more help, needed to work on widening his support system and actually relying on it. On talking about the different ways that could be done, as if he hadn't gone over it nine thousand times in the hospital.

All he'd wanted while he was in there was to get out, but being out felt weird. When Aaron'd left for classes that morning, James had been in the shower. Alex had tentatively stepped outside on his own. Two steps. Hadn't even really gone into the yard, and yet it'd still felt so big. Knowing he could do whatever he wanted. That no one was going to tell him to eat breakfast or go to some useless class he'd spend most of the time doodling during.

James had been home, and yet, there weren't eyes on him. Alex could huff and puff, could flop on the ground and no one would ask him what his number was, or how he was feeling. Even now, with Lafayette, Alex could go to a real bathroom. Didn't need to ask for it to be unlocked. Lafayette wouldn't complain if he wanted to go outside. Probably would't leave him entirely alone, but at least Alex could go where he wanted.

"I thought I asked you to not call him that." Knew he had, actually.

Laf shrugged. "You have not yet let me take your picture. I am most certain those were the terms of our deal."

Alex could argue that it was the right thing to do. Or bring up that considering where he's been, there was no way for him to let Laf take his picture before. It didn't seem like the road of least resistance, though. "Where do you want me?"

They'd turned the basement into a photography studio. How did John feel about that? There were blue mats peeking out from behind some sort of frame, a punching bag hanging in the corner. Maybe it was still functional? Things just had to be moved around a little bit.

A sheet hung in front of the mirrors that lined the far wall, and Alex resisted the urge to poke at the lighting equipment. To tease Lafayette for buying what appeared to be professional lights for a passing hobby.

But maybe it wouldn't be a passing fad. Maybe this was Lafayette's new passion and as weird as Lafayette was, as domineering, Alex didn't want to discourage him from exploring new things. Even if they were just new ways to boss people around.

Something he was definitely enjoying as he thrust a bag at Alex, demanding that he change.

How Lafayette had figured out his size, Alex didn't know. The shirt was nice at least, a pretty green button down, with a black tank top that Alex quickly shimmied into. Got his shirt buttoned up before digging for the next part of his outfit, groaning when he came across not only a pair of leather pants but- "Laf-"

"Yes?" Lafayette's voice was close, his friend likely standing outside the door.

"Panties?" Alex stuck his head out the door, holding out the bag. "I'm not going to-"

Lafayette took the bag, brow furrowed as if he didn't know what Alex was talking out. Held up the offending garment with a raised eyebrow. "Ma petite, these are hardly ladies' panties. You would not want lines, would you?"

Alex stared at him a moment before shutting the door. Better to just go commando.

The pants were a little tighter than he usually preferred, but he did like touching them. Liked the way they felt, how they moved with him. It was a good thing that they did, too, considering the various way that Lafayette had him posing. The questionable underwear had worried him for a moment, that maybe Lafayette had less than honorable intentions with his photo shoot. That he wanted Alex at least partially stripped, or trying to be sexy-

If it was a sexy photo shoot though, Lafayette had interesting taste. They'd done a few pictures in front of the back drop, but most of them had happened after Lafayette dragged him outside.

"I cannot take your picture if you insist on hiding behind the leaves," Lafayette teased, reaching up to steady Alex when his foot slipped.

Hiding behind the leaves, indeed. "I'm going to hang upside down and then I'm going to fall on the ground."

Surprisingly, the second part of his prediction didn't hold true. Mostly because Lafayette helped lower him to the ground before plucking another leaf from his hair. As if Alex minded a little earth. "So is that it? You wanted me to climb a tree and take pictures of me doing it? John made it sound more sinister."

"I appreciate the natural lighting," Lafayette shrugged. "Our Laurens does not appreciate my lens in his face. He is not quite as cute as you are, either. Will you take one more picture for me?"

Cute. Because Alex was cute. John on the other hand, he was handsome when he wanted to be. Hot the rest of the time, at least in Alex's opinion. "What did you have in mind?"

"I bought you a dress-"

Lafayette kept talking, but it went right over his head. It wasn't as if Alex hadn't worn a dress before- he enjoyed it. He really did. But the idea of someone buying them for him. It being something other than wiggling into Peggy or Maria's clothes...

Alex didn't know how he felt about that.

Relaxed when he spotted Aaron waiting in the kitchen. An excuse to not stay any longer. "Another time? Aaron, Mads and I are going to dinner tonight. House date night and all."


	136. Chapter 136

There was less than an hour before they were supposed to be at Hercules', and usually, that would mean a flurry of motion in the kitchen.

Alex had even promised to bake, but when Aaron came home-

Madison and Alex were nowhere to be found. Increasingly odd, considering James' car was out front. It took two circles of the house for Aaron to give up and call their names out the back door. They didn't exactly have a trail behind their house, but maybe they'd decided to look at something out back there?

Almost jumped out of his skin when he turned around to find James walking into the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. "Sorry, we were asleep. Need to wake him up?"

"I checked the beds?" That wasn't an answer to James' question, but Aaron couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Nesting." James' lip twitched, as if he found something funny. "Should of checked the closet."

The last time that Alex nested, Aaron'd upset him. "Everything okay?"

"Momma called. We talked to her a bit, asked how you were." The idea of James' mother and Alex talking to each other was vaguely terrifying, but also comforting. On one hand, James probably had to deal with more probing on why he wasn't dating Aaron- on the other... Mrs. Madsion seemed like a good person, like a supportive mom. Aaron couldn't give that experience to Alex- couldn't take him home to meet the family. But that didn't mean James couldn't. "Closet's more comfortable than you might think. Wouldn't have made it out there without waking him up if he hadn't of decided to be the big spoon, though."

Aaron could picture it. Was just glad that nothing had happened, that everything was alright. "Think he's up for Hercules'?"

"He should be good." James rolled his shoulders, face scrunched as he tried to pop his back before checking the fridge for something to snack on. "Unlike somebody, he doesn't need thirteen hours of sleep a day."

The dig should have bothered him, but Aaron only glanced toward the hallway, to see if Alex had woken up on his own yet. "Working on that."

Meds wouldn't be a cure-all, but maybe they would help. Something had to. "Which closet he in?"

"Yours." Might as well have been all of theirs, considering how often Madison ended up in there. Maybe that would be Aaron's christmas present to the house, a bigger bed.

Inside of the closet, Alex was curled on his side, fuzzy head partially hidden by a sweater. James', if Aaron's guess was right. "Sweetie, you ready to get up?"

No response, Aaron reached down to rub Alex's hair, pleased when his boyfriend nuzzled into it. It was clear Alex was still upset about the haircut, but Aaron didn't mind it. Rather liked the way it felt under his fingers. "Good morning, sleeping beauty."

"Is it morning already?" Alex mumbled, still half asleep.

Fondness bubbled in Aaron's chest. Adorable. His little bird in his little nest. "No, but if you'd like to see Hercules, you're going to need to get up."

Alex made grabby hands, and Aaron pulled him up and into a hug. Held him tight while Alex nuzzled into his throat. Part of him wished they could stay like that, maybe curl up on the couch again. But going to see Hercules was worth leaving the house.

Something Alex eventually agreed to. Stuck his tongue out at James when he made a comment about feeling like their chauffeur again when Alex curled against Aaron in the back seat, though he did promise to hold James' hand on the way back home. Or make Aaron drive. A comment that only earned them a muttered 'dorks' though James wasn't fooling anyone.

Hercules greeted them at the door, picking Alex up easily when the man launched himself at him. "Yeah yeah, good to see you too. Gil is making a mess of the kitchen if you want to see him. Not sure how much of a talking mood he's in though. Apparently I don't have the right spices in my house and obviously, this is because I hate him."

Even knowing that they'd been friends for years, that they'd practically seen one another as brothers- that was one friendship that Aaron would never understand. "And John?"

If the last few parties were any indication, Laurens was probably out back, drowning in alcohol. Hopefully going to AA with Alex would, if not make him sober up, give him so coping skills. Or make him see just where that road could lead him.

"Peggy has stolen him, something about wanting to set up a romantic dinner for Maria and Eliza. I think she would have asked Gil, but Maria's already being patient with him being in the house." Hercules raised one shoulder, giving half of a shrug.

It had to be tough, living in a house, and caring about a housemate who hated your best friend. "They're coming up on what? A month?"

"Two I think, which isn't an anniversary, but you try telling the girls that. I think Peggy's just excited that they finally got over the whole age difference thing." It was only a few years, but considering how responsible Eliza was, he wasn't surprised she'd been anxious. Especially with Maria's past. "Angelica said she might swing by later, too. Said she's trying to drag Marty along."

Madison had already disappeared, most likely to the kitchen to try and figure out what was bugging Lafayette. If anything was, for all Aaron knew the man was just that particular when it came to cooking.

"Is Maria here?" Alex asked when he managed to get a word. "I wanted to talk to her about the volunteering thing."

Hercules nodded and Alex gave them both another hug before setting out to find his friend.

"And then there were two." Hercules snorted slightly at his own comment. "That sounded ominous. You want a drink or anything? I'd be happy to brave the kitchen and get you one."

"I'm good." Aaron cocked his head toward the empty couch. "Might go sit over there, though. I heard you're planning on taking over Gilbert's house for Halloween. Any idea if it's a costume party?"

"Why? Trying to prepare yourself for whatever couple's outfit Alex has planned for you?"

Funny enough, Aaron wasn't worried. No matter how ridiculous it might end up being, it'd be worth it for Alex to have a good time. To get a chance to be a normal college student for once.


	137. Chapter 137

There's some kind of liquor in Alex's cup, and while he wasn't exactly sure what it was, he did know it was delicious.

Obviously, Maria was holding out on them usually. They were sprawled across the bed in her room, Maria propped up against her headboard her toes against Alex's thigh. Aaron'd stuck his head in a few minutes ago, letting them know Angelica had arrived and that there was pasta in the kitchen if they were interested. Before the evening was over, Alex would wander out to say hey to Ang, but for the moment, it was good to let Aaron have her to himself. 

"So uh," Maria nudged him with her foot when the conversation had lulled to silence. "Can I say something?"

Of course she could, but when Alex said such, she clarified that he had to promise to not be mad at her or Hercules. A statement that didn't exactly leave him feeling confident. "I guess you can."

"I'm sorry." When Alex blinked at her, uncertain of why she was apologizing, Maria fiddled with the covers. "I said some things at the hospital that I shouldn't have. I didn't know. I would have never said it if so."

Didn't know. Clearly knew now. "Hercules told you."

"Eliza filled in some gaps too." Eliza- his chest. Didn't he have a right to privacy? Alex dug his nails into his thigh. "I'm sorry. I just- I go to this survivor group. I thought maybe you'd like to go too?"

Alex knew that. Wasn't sure how much he wanted to be having this conversation. Didn't know how he felt about everyone knowing his business. If Eliza had talked to Maria, there was no doubt now she knew everything. Or at least most of it. "It's for women."

"I talked to the woman who runs it? And she said if so long as you weren't a cis guy... I mean.. with everything... I thought it'd be worth asking." 

At least Maria looked as uncomfortable as he felt. He wasn't quite sure what that word meant, but he did know one thing. Finished his drink and put it on the table before saying so. "I'm not a woman."

"I didn't think you were, or if you were- I just-" Maria stopped, took a breath and tried again. "With the dresses? I didn't know."

Sure, Alex liked to wear dresses, that didn't make him a woman, though. Why did girls get to have all the fun? "I'm not a woman."

"That isn't the only option." Maria puffed out her cheeks, looking anywhere but at him. "You could be genderfluid or nonbinary or agender? I'm not really sure of all the different categories. It isn't just 'be a girl' or 'be a boy' and obviously, I don't want you to lie to the group- but... I just didn't know."

"Are there really people who aren't?" People who weren't boys or girls? 

Because- Because Alex did. He liked being Aaron's good boy, but he also liked being John's little girlfriend. Even if the man usually said it to tease him. Had always liked the way Lafayette referred to him in the feminine. Didn't really remember when that'd started, or why- but he liked it. Didn't seem to be mocking him. Alex liked his dresses, and- if he were being honest- liked panties when they weren't being handed to him by someone he wasn't fucking.

Missed his hair. Didn't want to think about how long it would take before Madison would be able to braid it again. Before he could put it up in a ponytail. John had grown his hair out at the same time, and John definitely didn't seem to think it made him feminine. It didn't make John any less of a man-

How did one decide that they weren't a boy?

"There are." Maria folded her legs, criss cross apple sauce, and leaned forward to take his hand. Seemed relieved when Alex didn't immediately snatch it away. "There's even a club on campus, for trans people. Not all of them are boys and girls."

Oh. "I-" Needed to think. Away from Maria. His anxiety over people talking about him behind his back wasn't mixing well with the question. "I'm going to go find Mads."

Maria didn't protest, just let him go.

It took him a few tries to find his boyfriend, outside square between Lafayette and John. But when he did, Alex propped himself up on the arm of his chair. "Feeling better now that you're out of the kitchen?"

"No," Lafayette huffed. "I do not understand an unstocked kitchen. Why must my Hercules offend me so?"

"Give him thirty minutes and he'll chill out." John stretched out a little further in his chair, waving his beer in one hand. "Or a blow job. Hercules might just forgive you if you took him to the bathroom."

"Haha, very funny." It didn't bother him that much, though he did appreciate the way Mads squeezed his thigh in response. "If Laf wants a quickie, it's your ass on the line- not mine."

Lafayette remained almost suspiciously quiet, though he did cock an eyebrow behind his glass. John pressed on. "No, it only works because Hercules loves you. If I tried it, Hercules wound ban me from the house."

"Then he'll just have to go without." 

"Mon amour," Lafayette cut John off the next time he opened his mouth. "Did you not say you had something to ask our dear petite?"

"Oh yeah." John snapped, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. "Pegs wants you to help out with some dinner for E and Maria. She's got me cooking, and she insists that they're going to need a waiter. Told her I'd ask ya."

The childish part of him wanted to say no. Wanted to ask if John talked behind his back too, or Lafayette. Even knowing that Hercules had probably only told her to explain why what she'd said was so bad. Maria had probably been upset that she'd basically gotten them kicked out.

Hercules knew exactly how bad Alex's secrets could get. The situations that they landed him. Could he really get angry at the man for telling her?

He could. 

But he'd be wasting time, just like he'd wasted time over the summer being angry at Lafayette. They were his friends, and while he was allowed to get upset-

He didn't want it to get in the way of being their friend. Not everything could be smooth sailing.


	138. Chapter 138

Aaron stared at the numbers on the treadmill, trying not to feel intimidated by how exhausted he was. One mile. He'd only gone one mile and he already felt like dying. Something only made worse by the fact that Hercules was running next to him- clearly going twice as fast. "Remind me again why I'm here?"

"Because Lafayette is a sadist and Hercules is a kind, loving soul." Alex had a point, or at least half of one. That explained why Alex chose to run with Hercules- not why Aaron ended up dragged along. 

Hercules pressed the blue button on his machine, signaling that it was time to start cooling down. "It's good for you. Just because you're naturally toned doesn't mean you can slack off."

"Yeah, yeah." There were lemons in his water, another thing he'd been encouraged to do. Hercules apparently took his job as local health coach seriously. "Alex is right though, at least you're better than the french fuck."

About the same time that Hercules commented that it wasn't nice to call him that, Alex snorted. "You've never had to withstand him. He practically made me run until I couldn't feel my legs."

Poor baby. Somehow, Aaron suspected it would be even worse with Aaron there. They might be trying to make up their differences, but Aaron wasn't foolish enough to think that a few plays or museum trips would be enough to quell their butting heads. If anything, it probably made it worse since Lafayette didn't get to pester him all the time. Not to mention the competitive element of it. 

Alex continued, "And you don't get to complain- you're the one who wanted me to work out more. You can't point out that it's good for you and not do it yourself."

Fair. Exercise wasn't a cure-all, Theo had explained as much- but that didn't mean it didn't help. Initially it'd make him more tired, but in the long run? It might help give him more energy. Something he'd most likely need. Senior year was fast approaching and while Lafayette seemed insistent that he could add two more degrees and a few years to his college experience- Aaron didn't have the pleasure. After college would come a job and that was even more terrifying.

They spent another ten minutes on the treadmill before heading to the machines. Ten reps, two sets at each machine. It felt pathetic to be doing so little, but Hercules insisted that the goal was to work up to doing more. There was no point in making himself hurt the first two weeks or so, it'd only discourage him from going in the future. 

Towards the end, after they'd done about six arm machines and three for the legs, Hercules spoke up again. "Pegs offered to take care of you two if you wanted to head to our place after we're through here. A reward of sorts."

Take care of them apparently meant laying them on the bed, draping hot towels across their backs. It felt better than he'd originally expected it too, though he could have done without the mini-lecture from Hercules about various ways to decompress after a good workout. Aaron had a good feeling that it'd be months before they got there. They weren't exactly coach to 5k material.

"Do you think that John was right? That Hercules wouldn't be mad if I had sex at his house?" Alex asked once Peggy and Hercules left the room.

Where John had gotten that idea, Aaron wasn't sure. "I don't even want to know when you talked about that- and no, we are not having sex."

"Hercules said we needed to relax." Alex rolled onto his side to look at him easier. "What better way than me masturbating while you call me a good boy for taking care of myself."

God, he hoped that Alex never changed. "I might consider that when we get home. But Hercules invited us to stay for dinner and would you really wanted to disappoint him?"

Maybe he'd give Alex a back massage while he got himself off. Or, since Alex liked to be told what to do, have Alex give him a massage first. Reward him by directing him through masturbating. Madison might even be talked into joining in. 

Or maybe not. Aaron wasn't sure if this was his afternoon to work or not. Knew he could be rather grumpy considering his packed afternoon schedule, with work on top of it. But it wasn't Aaron's fault that the man decided to not take morning classes.

"Did you talk to Maria about volunteering again?" Alex had seemed so keen on the idea, but Aaron hadn't heard anything of it since the night of the party.

Suspicion grew in his stomach when Alex twitched. "I uh, decided against it. We're going to be exercising with Hercules three times a week, John agreed to go to AA with me twice. There's therapy and I guess we'll probably be going to the psychiatrist at least once a week at first. I thought about doing the thing with the dogs again? That was nice."

"The things with the dogs was nice. It's getting a little cooler, so you'll need to dress appropriately." That was a question, did Alex even own winter clothes? Last year hadn't exactly been a great example of Alex's ability to dress himself for the weather. "You can go with me or James to classes. Though-"

Alex would need to stay with them in class. No hanging out in the library by himself or going for walks by himself. But it felt odd saying that. Wasn't sure how well it would be taken considering their history. Didn't want Alex to feel like they didn't trust him at all, but right now... The temptation was probably too great.

Thankfully Alex didn't seem too offended, and before long, Hercules stuck his head in the room to fetch them for dinner, giving them something new to focus on.


	139. Chapter 139

AA had been interesting. The church that it took place in was huge, all brick and stained glass, out of place in their city. Concrete floors, cloth banners on the walls, broadcasting various events that happened over the years. Rows of metal chairs and a podium toward the front- a table in the back with coffee and juice. Sometimes, a man confided in them at the table, sometimes they had donuts. But only if someone brought them.

Alex made a mental note to start bringing baked goods. Getting sober sucked enough without having to survive hour and a half meetings without proper food. Maybe he could pester Lafayette into giving him a food budget, after all, he had to agree that John drank too much. That maybe this could help John too. Maybe they could even make it a thing, making sandwiches and cupcakes before they had to go.

There were different types of meetings. Some were closer to lectures, Alex'd been informed. Some were open to non-addicts, others were only for addicts. They'd ended up at one that felt like the movies portrayed. All the 'hello, my name is - and I am an addict.'

It felt weird, that everyone knew how many days they'd been sober. It was nothing to hear that it had been eight years and twenty-three days- Alex had OD'd less than a month ago and couldn't think of the date. Couldn't count down. Wondered if this meant that AA was wrong for him. That he was just too different. But what other programs were there? He didn't want to go to rehab. Didn't think he belonged there. It sounded like the kind of place daily users went, and maybe it might have worked in the beginning- but this was just a slip up. Right? And he could stop going to AA at any time, just not show up to a meeting, rehab probably was more like the hospital. Just the fact that he could leave made AA a better choice.

But he'd promised Aaron that he'd go, and having John by his side was nice. Made it less intimidating, leaving it at awkward. But maybe it just took time to get used to the system. So long as John kept going with him, Alex would try. For him.

Even if the man did groan the moment they climbed into the car. "Hello, my name is Laurens and I am zero days sober."

"You really drink today?" When would he have had the chance? Between classes? Before classes? During them?

John didn't answer the question, which was probably more telling than it was meant to be. "Taking you home?"

"If you're dying to get rid of me." Which Alex could understand. It wouldn't make him feel good, but he could understand it. "If not, we could hang out?"

It felt weird to ask. In high school, it'd just been an assumption. Hello, my name is Alexander Hamilton and I'm going to sit at your lunch table and steal fries off your plate. Also follow you home at weird times. What are you doing after school? Let's go climb buildings and sit on the roofs until someone yells at us. When college first started, it'd been the same. What's your schedule? Cool, we're going to get lunch at this time. After classes, we'll go to a dorm room and fight or fuck until we're tired. I need to go get groceries, we going? Whose dorm are we doing laundry in?

Until it hadn't been that. Until it'd just been lunch and text messages without pretext. 'I need to work off some energy', 'you in the dorm', 'Can I meet you somewhere'- all amounting to the same thing. At least that part had been mutual.

Alex didn't want to reminisce on that. Sure, part of the 12 steps was apologizing to those that he'd hurt- but he'd already apologized.

"Laf's home, we probably can't have sex." The probably made Alex snort. "Honestly, if we go, he'll probs try and do his fucking camera thing again."

Something John apparently really hated. Which led to questions of exactly why. It wasn't as if John didn't like the way he looked, seemed more neutral about it than anything. Bodies were a means to an ends and he just happened to have a hot one. In Alex's opinion, at least. Then again, knowing Laf's interesting point of view regarding boundaries, John might have a point. Maybe one day Alex would ask for that story.

"We could go somewhere else?" To the park, to the store, they could drive for hours for all Alex cared. "Or you could come home with me?"

It shouldn't have been a thought in his head, but considering John's comment earlier- "Mads won't be home for a few hours. Aaron's eating dinner with Angelica and her hubby." 

Better to say that than 'you can fuck me if it means you'll stay'. None of the traditional reasons for guilt applied. Aaron didn't mind. Mads didn't mind. Both of his boyfriends were completely okay with the idea of him having sex with John.

But it felt like reducing their friendship again. That he couldn't think of anything else to make it worth John's time.

Felt like reducing himself again. The same way- the same way Jefferson had. Like he had one thing to barter with. A sentiment that built when John nodded, put the car in drive and headed toward the house.

Except John didn't pin him to the door. Didn't take him to the bedroom, just disappeared into the kitchen. When Alex followed, he found him rummaging through the cabinets. John turned around, must have seen something on his face because he shrugged. "Figured we were both hungry. You gonna pick out a movie?"

Tried not to laugh when he heard John call out after him that it better not be any of that romantic crap. 

Picked a horror movie instead. He'd probably spend half of it hiding his face in John's arm, but it would be worth it.

They were going to be okay. They could do this. One hang out at a time.


	140. Chapter 140

There was a nose nudging at his chin. "Can I have a kiss?"

Aaron pressed his lips against Alex's forehead, and he hid a smile when the man huffed. "Can I have a proper kiss, please?"

"We both have morning breath." Sunday. At least it was a Sunday. Tomorrow they had to go to the psychiatrists, something he wasn't looking forward to. But today? Today Aaron's schedule was free. Not so much Alex's, considering he'd agreed to help out with Peggy's dinner plans. "And even if not, we should probably have a rule against making out with James in the bed next to us."

An excuse that Alex countered a little too easily. "You don't seem to have a problem with him sucking my dick next to you in bed."

"That's with my consent." Consent was important. Just because they occasionally drifted toward threesomes- maybe it would be different if they were all dating. But they weren't and there was a world of difference between Aaron directing a scene or watching and them just doing something without taking to James first.

The lump on the other side of Alex moved, and Aaron watched as James peaked out from beneath his pillow. "You can fuck for all I care. So long as you're quiet."

"Sorry Mads," Alex singsonged.

"I think-" Aaron pushed the covers off of both of them- "That was our cue to brush our teeth and go make breakfast and leave James to his beauty sleep."

Better that than giving Alex enough time to decide a dog pile was the way to deal with a sleepy James. As many quips as James had made over the last few months about him sleeping all the time, he'd never actually tried to interfere. Which meant he deserved a similar respect.

Something Alex didn't protest considering brushed teeth meant kisses. As did making breakfast apparently, Alex using the minutes while the waffles cooked to backing him against the wall. Aaron gripped his ass, pulling Alex's body into his. Rested their foreheads together after a while. "How did last night go?"

"John and I watched horror movies." That explained how cuddly Alex had been all night. Probably part of his morning too. It was something Theo'd talked about in the beginning, though Aaron had been unsure how much it held true. That the PTSD would mean Alex's nervous system was in hyperdrive, reacting more than it used to, taking longer to calm down. There were books, she'd said, that they could read. Something about waking the tiger. "Then he said something about stopping Laf from setting the house on fire and having to go."

It was probably sad that Lafayette almost setting the house on fire didn't strike him as odd. "And the other?"

Alex puffed out his cheeks. "It... Nothing is going to be immediately helpful, right?"

No. No, it wouldn't. "Are the people there nice?"

AA wouldn't be a cure-all, for either of them. But it wouldn't help at all if Alex and John were uncomfortable the whole time. If the people were homophobic or racist, if they stared at Alex and John with suspicious eyes. Being a room full of former addicts, it wasn't surprising if they were a little shifty eyed on their own. But there was a difference between that and singling those two out specifically. 

But it was a pointless worry, at least that time. They'd been nice enough, some of them more open than others. Alex mentioned something about wanting to bake for the next meeting. 

A cautious sense of hopefulness. 

"Do I need to come back?" Despite the question, James padded into kitchen, snagged a waffle off the counter even as he put the kettle on the stove. "Thanks. You two want a cup?"

God, they were domestic. Ate breakfast around the table before going grocery shopping together. Alex between them, pushing the cart while they debated what they wanted to make for dinner during the week. Ducking away from them in order to grab his favorite apples. Alex stealing kisses once they were putting things in the car, out of way of any curious eyes.

Aaron drove on the way home, giving Alex and Madison a chance to lean against one another in the back. Aaron kept half an ear on the conversation, mostly to make sure his name wasn't being called. Something about Madison wanting to stockpile more soups and special teas for the upcoming cold months. About the way his momma did things in the south. Questioning whether or not they needed more candles and blankets 'just in case the power went out.'

Aaron could think of twice that the power had gone out last year for off campus students, and it'd been back relatively quick. At least, while they were in school, he wasn't sure about the rest of December. No, it was more than likely that those materials would end up being used for more nesting.

And yet, Aaron wouldn't have it any other way. Madison could turn the entire house into a facsimile of his mother's if it made them happy. Hercules knew how to sew, he could make those weird things that hung in living rooms. The ones that said 'home sweet home.' Or 'home is where the heart is'. He'd probably even get a kick out of it. 

"Not to cut your plotting short," Aaron said as he pulled into the driveway. "But I need to know if I'm dropping Alex off at Herc's or at Lafayette's or if John's coming to pick him up."

"John was going to pick me up, but could you take me by Laf's in like- an hour?" Alex unbuckled his seatbelt before going to grab some of the grocery bags out of the trunk. "He said he has an outfit I can wear."

Alex was shorter than Lafayette by what, almost a foot? Or at least half of one and Aaron didn't think for a second that the man would put Alex in ill-fitting clothes. Which meant that he'd decided to buy them and wait for the opportunity to get Alex in them. If it wasn't for the fact that he knew of the man's most recent hobby, he might find it creepy.

Creepier. It was still a bit weird. But trying to get Lafayette to understand when he was being weird wasn't an easy task.

Better to focus on helping Alex's and James' soup adventures.


	141. Chapter 141

Large hands framed his hips, sliding into pockets as John plastered himself across Alex's back. "I still think you should have gone for the dress."

The same one Lafayette'd wanted to take his picture in before. A pretty black thing, with a bra meant to help push it out appropriately. It'd been laying out on the bed when Alex went back to find him. So had his current outfit, similar to the one from their tree shoot. The same shirt, in fact from that night, with a waistcoat this time and a pair of thankfully looser pants. 

"Last time I wore a dress, you thought I was angling-" For sex. 

John hummed. "We do have a half hour."

Peggy had pestered Maria and Eliza into going to the movies with her, swore they all needed to dress up for a girl's night. Planned to 'bail' afterward, not feeling well. They all drove together, that would mean coming back. To where Alex and John were waiting. Hercules had even picked them up at the house to make sure that no vehicles tipped them off. And then made himself scarce, though Alex wasn't quite sure where he'd gone.

"But," John's breath was warm against his scalp. "I suppose you're going to say no."

It was tempting. John felt good against him. All he'd have to do is roll his hips, grind against him, maybe tilt his head aside to present his neck. Biting was something John definitely enjoyed. Alex had teased him about that often enough in high school, about John's need to keep something in his mouth.

"We don't actually know when they're getting home." And that was one foursome even Alex couldn't imagine. Eliza and Maria both seemed fond enough of John, but he was vaguely certain that Maria was sworn off of men. 

The denial didn't get him thrust away, but John also didn't keep pressing forward. Wasn't nuzzling his neck. "Aaron thinks I need to find a new way to initiate sex with Laf."

Alex snorted, wiggled away and jumped up on the counter, narrowly avoiding the stove. "So because you can't get some now, you want me to help you get some later?"

Molesting Alex tended to work on Alex, but John had a point. Lafayette was either too tall or too likely to think that being grabbed meant needing to defend himself. At least with John around. They had a pattern that seemed hard to break without talking-

and John had never been a huge fan of the talking part.

"Did you two go dancing for a while?" Almost unconsciously, John's hand drifted toward his neck. A memory. "Did that work?"

Apparently, it'd been around the same time that a lot of the marks mysteriously disappeared on the both of them. Careful to avoid faces and anywhere that could be seen by outsiders. It was a story Alex hadn't heard before and he cringed slightly as John muttered. Beckoned his friend forward, pleased that the counter gave him some height advantage.

"Maybe try dancing around the house, just the two of you." No one to judge. No one to think lesser of them. John's skin was soft beneath his fingertips, a contrast to how rough his lips were. Surprisingly, he didn't try to deepen the contact, didn't take control like he normally would have. "No throwing elbows in people's faces. Just- dancing and then maybe some grinding. Nip at his neck a little."

No need to pretend that they were completely gentle people, but that didn't mean- Alex blinked. "Why was Aaron giving you advice about your sex life to start with?"

John refusing to tell him was absolutely petty, not to mention an argument that was cut off by the door opening and the pair scrambling apart to take their places. Or more specifically, Alex going to the living room. Before Hercules left, he'd done a good job at setting it up. Moved most of the furniture to the side so that they could put up a smaller table in the middle, candles as the main light source around the edges of the room. Classical music, the gentle kind, filled up the space.

By the time it struck Maria what was happening, Peggy had already disappeared and it was only Eliza's hand on the small of her back that kept her in motion. Alex did his best to smile brightly as he approached their table, arms folded behind his back, fingers gripping his elbows. "Good evening ladies, tonight I'll be your waiter. May I interest you in some sparkling water? Wine?"

Water for Maria, white wine for Eliza. Alex was just glad that he could trust Lafayette's tastes in that regard. After he'd set their drinks on the table, Alex went over his rehearsed dinner menu before disappearing into the kitchen to grab the plates that John had fixed them. Promised that all they needed was to call his name and he'd reappear if they needed anything.

Maria looked out of her depth, still not quite sure how she felt about the impromptu date and Alex's stomach tugged. James definitely hadn't been good to her, and with Eliza's busy schedule, how often did she get the chance to date? To go to dinner? How often did people surprise her?

John's fingers on the back of his head cut the thought process off and Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he was pulled into a kiss. Ever so glad for the music in the background, praying it would block out any noise they made. Especially when one hand slid between his legs, gently cupping him. But John tilted his face to the side, mouth brushing against Alex's ear. "Remember when we used to make out for hours?"

That felt like years ago. Before they'd felt comfortable having sex. In the early days. John nipped at his earlobe. "Maybe I should start there. To practice for Laf, that is."

Alex hid a smile in John's shirt. "Anything for Laf."


	142. Chapter 142

There was a thud as Madison physically dropped onto the bench next to him, and Aaron accepted the warm coffee cup that was passed to him. "Thank you. You didn't have to."

"Figured we'd be here for a bit, and the weather is getting cold." Technically, James didn't have to be there at all. Had chosen to come after one of his own classes, a texted grumble about not caring about the other one until finals. "How is everyone's favorite dork is doing?"

"Stop acting like you aren't dating that dork." Aaron rubbed at his face. "And I hope okay. Johnson's..."

Johnson was okay. Dr. Johnson would have been the more polite thing to call the man, but Aaron still wasn't sure how he felt about going to a psychiatrist at all. He'd been polite enough, nothing beyond Aaron's already raised hackles to cause an issue. He'd put Aaron on a basic anti-depressant, told him that he might not see a difference for up to two months. Not to throw in the towel too soon.

Alex had done fine in the waiting room, was hopefully doing fine in the office. They wouldn't usually see the man on the same day- but it'd just been easier this time around. But intake appointments were long- even with Aaron's short history, it'd taken about an hour. No doubt it'd take the full time for Alex. 

That was okay. The wait seemed a little less intimidating with a body pressed against his.

"How are you digging his new do, anyway?" Not precisely the hair, there was nothing Alex could do about that yet, a fact that seemed to be upsetting if he thought about it too long. "Hercules gave it to him last night. Hand knit and everything."

The first thing Alex had said upon showing up at the house with the hat on his head was that John thought he looked like a lesbian. A comment made with a strange amount of glee, even after Aaron'd kissed his cheek and said he looked quite dapper. Or rugged. Aaron had never quite been hip on fashion terms.

Madison hummed. "That why he was so happy last night?"

Part of it. The other part of it involved a ramble that had happened so quickly, Aaron still wasn't sure what all had been said. There'd been a half-hearted accusation about him giving John sex tips- something that if Aaron hadn't known what he was referring to would have confused him dearly. What had followed- Aaron was 75% sure Alex wasn't asking for permission to kiss Lafayette, but that it had something to do with the man.

The final wiggling 25% made it tempting to ask for clarification, but if Alex hadn't been asking- Aaron didn't want his boyfriend to think he was jealous. All of which would be extremely hard to explain to James considering he wasn't entirely sure himself. Settled instead for taking a sip of his drink and shrugging. "I know this may shock you, but our boyfriend likes to be kissed."

"Our." No matter how many times James said the word, he never seemed to believe it. "He and John? Or did I interrupt something last night when I came home."

"John seems to have taken my advice that there are better ways to start things than with a fist." Funny, how good that made Aaron feel. Now if only the man would listen about the drinking. "Mind you, I meant with the French Fuck, but if he needs to practice with Alex- he can be my guest. So long as you're still okay with it?"

Sometimes it was hard to remember where they'd defined the boundaries last. Like a relationship with Alex was an ongoing project, constantly in need of landscaping lest they wake up and realize instead of three people in the bed, there were five or six. 

James cocked an eyebrow. "I have so much stake in what Laurens does." Aaron hadn't meant that so much as the Alex part of the equation, but when he went to bump his shoulder against James' in chastisement, he was surprised to find the other man wrapping an arm around him instead. "If you spill my drink-"

Ah. That's what that was. "Wouldn't dream of depriving you of your tea."

"Good." James still hadn't moved again, free hand lax against the back of the bench. "And Alex can french kiss french fry's ass for all I care."

Not an image Aaron needed. Not at all. "He rubs off on you in the worst of ways. I just- I don't want you feeling like you're going to be replaced."

Again. James hadn't exactly called himself anxious at the start of the year, but he'd made it clear that he didn't think his place in Alex's life would last. That he was temporary, bed filler during the summer months. Aaron didn't want him entering into the spring semester with the same thought process. If he thought that Alex going back to classes, or an increase of John in Alex's life meant James as on his way out- that wasn't okay.

"I just-" Aaron tried again when James still hadn't responded. "You're allowed to care. To have an opinion. You're Alex's boyfriend too, and if you don't want him kissing John, or only kissing John when you're around- that's your right."

Sure, navigating a poly relationship was weird, but it had to be done. But James only exhaled, clearly aggravated by Aaron's pressing. "Aaron, I know this may shock you, but our boyfriend likes kisses. I'm not afraid that Mutt is going to forget about me just because he has permission to kiss someone he's been kissing since he was ten."

John and Alex hadn't known each other quite that long, but that didn't seem to be the point. James blew on his drink, for all appearances unhappy with the temperature. Or plotting his next comment. "If anything, it's you who should be worried."

Aaron bristled. Sure, he was asexual, and maybe he wasn't the most sexually active partner for his hypersexual boyfriend- but- "I've already had my threesome with Laurens. You're going to wake up someday and you're not going to know how they go there- but there they'll be. John's bossy, by the way. Not anywhere near as bossy as you, though."

Oh. Aaron relaxed into the arm around his shoulders, allowed the flash of worry to flicker away into nothingness. "I'm going to pretend that was a compliment, James."

A squeeze, quick enough that Aaron almost wondered if it happened at all. "Of course it was."


	143. Chapter 143

There was a hand on his head, pressing the soft fabric into his fuzz and Alex looked up at Lafayette. "Not an armrest."

"I was merely trying to get your attention, ma petite." Of course, he was. "I wished to thank you again."

As if Alex had been so hard pressed to tag along. They were turning the murder house into a Halloween castle, and it felt like fun. Especially because Hercules had talked Lafayette out of actually making it scary. Gave Alex the right to be as ridiculous as he wanted to be.

The first year that he really could. The Stephens had been big fans, but he'd always spent Halloween week with John. With the cheapest costumes that they could throw together. Sometimes they'd been able to get one of the neighborhood kids to come with them, parents who had work or who were too tired. John was a good kid, their moms said. Quiet, but good. 

Trustworthy. Probably the only people who thought he was. Who could look past his tough exterior.

They wouldn't be dressing up together this year. Lafayette had already said something about dressing John up like a kickboxer for Halloween, Lafayette as his coach. Which definitely wasn't their form of foreplay, not at all. Nor was it an excuse to beat the shit out of each other for authentic bruises. 

"Gimme the jug of fake blood." Lafayette responded to the command with a bemused smile, but at least he didn't actually make fun of Alex for not being able to reach it. "And don't thank me. By the time we're done today you're going to be covered in this stuff. You think we could use a corner of the house to set up a photo area? I know you wouldn't want to man it all night, but at least having the props-"

It'd be fun. Laf could bring up his actual camera when he wanted to and secret it away when he was done, giving others the chance to use their cellphones. "We have decided to keep the basement open. The photography may happen down there. And this is not what I was thanking you for."

At Alex's confused expression, Lafayette's ever present smile drooped a bit. "It has been a rough month for our John."

October had always been rough for John and Alex ending up in the hospital probably hadn't helped that any. Part of him wanted to speak up, to explain. But John wouldn't appreciate that. His past belonged to him. Not anyone else. Not even his boyfriend. "You don't have to thank me for spending time with my best friend."

Lafayette plucked a giant inflatable pumpkin off the shelf, tossing it into the cart without looking. "What else are you tormenting my home with?"

"We need like, ten more pounds of fake spiderwebs." Ever the overdramatic, Lafayette clutched at his heart, but Alex powered on. "If you didn't want us to use your house- you shouldn't have all dark furniture to begin with. Or be in the woods."

"Need I remind you that Hercules picked the house?" Still didn't change Lafayette's 'modern' aesthetic on the inside. "Will you be tempting us all with a delightful buffet as well?"

"Uh huh. I made the Schuylers promise to help. All three of them. I'm probably going to be taking command of your kitchen for days."

After all, there wasn't a doubt in Alex's mind that a fair amount of people would be getting wasted. Which meant that there needed to be solid food. Not just cupcakes or cake. Hercules agreed to cook hamburgers the night of, but variety increased the chances that people would eat. That they wouldn't end up drunk off of their asses with nothing in their stomachs. Hercules had also put his foot down that even though the party would be bigger than usual, he'd kick out anyone seen doing drugs. No second chances.

Something Alex was so thankful for. Even if it probably had little to do with him. "I think I'm also going to play bartender. If you're willing to buy the liquor."

Hercules had said no. But playing bartender meant he had control of who drank what. Could maybe discourage a few people from drinking as much. 

"We will have shifts." Strings of lights went into the cart. "There are some cocktails I wish to try, I am sure your Maddy and Aaron would be willing to help as well."

"Mads would." Alex wasn't quite as sure about Aaron. He'd only caught the man with alcohol a few times at all. "Can we get a smoke machine?"

"You may get five at most." That was a ridiculous number of smoke machines, but if Laf was offering-

In the cart they went. Maybe he could talk Aaron and Mads into lifting their 'no sex at other people's houses' ban and they could steal John's room for fun. One for the bedroom. One for the porch- maybe two for the porch? Framing the door? One for the living room and right under the bar?

Maybe one for the photo shoot. With five, there would be so many possibilities. 

"What is little Alex going to be for Halloween?" Actually, Alex wasn't sure. Wanted to do a couple's costume but that was hard with two boyfriends. Though, he was extremely tempted to dress Mads up like Shaggy and Aaron up like Fred. Then he could be their Mutt, Scooby doo. Wouldn't have time to throw together proper costumes, but the two human components wouldn't be that hard. They'd need to find an ascot for Aaron, Alex wouldn't torture him with a blond wig. Mads might need the pants. They could get Alex an all brown outfit and give it spots? Or he could be Velma. One of the girls had to have an orange turtleneck and a red skirt and he'd be cute in knee high stockings. 

A hand settled on Alex's shoulder. "If he has not decided, he could always be my little ballerina."

Alex rolled his eyes. "I'm going to tell Aaron you said that."

Lafayette didn't seem abashed in the slightest. "Would he like to be a ballerina as well? I am most certain we could find more than one costume."

Ridiculous, ridiculous man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to the person who realized I fucked up. I've decided to have the halloween party happen at Lafayette's per Hercules' request. (I'd written it both ways in two different chapters. In one I had Lafayette commenting that Hercules was stealing his house. In another I had Aaron asking Hercules if he knew what Lafayette was going to do to his house yet. I have now fixed the latter.)


	144. Chapter 144

Aaron stared at the light blue pill in his hand before swallowing it. "Johnson said I didn't need to come back for a month unless I was having issues, when are you due back?"

Wrong thing to ask. Alex poked at the orange pill bottle in front of him. "Next week. And two weeks after that, and two weeks after that, and then, maybe, if that goes well, three weeks after that."

That seemed like a long time to plan in advance. When he said as much Alex spun the bottle toward him. "Johnson took me off the anti-depressant. Said they might make me worse. More aggressive. Sleep worse."

Suddenly, Alex's twitching body, pressing between him and Madison seemed a lot less adorable. But if they took him off what the hospital gave him- Aaron lifted the bottle, ran his thumb. "He said that it's the best thing on the market for PTSD. I don't-"

Alex still didn't know how he felt about that word. About the diagnosis. People with PTSD weren't weak, but they went through worse than he did. Alex would be weak for having it.

Minimalization. Theodosia's voice clear in Aaron's head. Minimalization. Some trauma survivors were completely able to recognize how bad their trauma was if another name was used. They could be presented with their own narrative, their own trauma, sometimes even in their own words- and with another name? They could call it horrific. With their own? It never mattered how bad it was. 

Never bad enough. "You don't have to talk about it right now." 

Alex took a breath, changed directions.

Best thing on the market. But there was a risk for a lethal rash. If they noticed anything on Alex's face, they needed to go to the hospital immediately. If they noticed it on his chest, he needed to take benadryl and call the doctor immediately. Anywhere else? Call the doctor before taking any more. It would likely take two months before Alex saw real change.

Not to give up too soon. Aaron recognized that lecture.

Considered asking if it was really worth it, if there was a risk for lethal rash. But would they subscribe it if not? And two months, for him that was a long time- but for Alex? They were closing in on the end of October. The school had agreed to let him sign up for classes, but if he didn't have the sign off by Franklin soon-

Another semester. Something that would drive him up the wall. 

"It'll work." Alex said it like it was a fact. No reason to question it. 

Aaron didn't contradict him. Couldn't do that to him. "Are you and John going to AA tonight?"

"We went yesterday." Alex pushed away from the table, moving around the kitchen. Head in the freezer, came back out with ice cream. "Something you would have known if you weren't on a date with Lafayette."

Maybe he asked for that one. "We were not on a date. I go on a date with one person. Only one."

"Two people." Alex dropped a spoon in front of him, using his own to dig into the carton. "We've done group dates with James before."

That wasn't the same thing and Alex knew it. "Going out to dinner with Gilbert isn't the same thing as going on a date."

"You went out to dinner and a movie. That sounds like date material to me."

They'd watched a movie for class. They'd discussed the review they needed to write over dinner, it wasn't exactly a candlelight experience. But there was no point in trying to argue with an Alex who was intent on being ridiculous. "Speaking of Gil, are you going to need any help with getting the house ready?"

Alex shook his head. "Nope. Everything is pretty much ready for next friday. Can't start making food until week of."

"And have you decided on anything costume wise?" Because really, they were running out of time and Lafayette had made it clear yesterday. If they showed up without a costume, he would have no problem figuring one out on the fly.

Instead of answering him immediately, Alex stuck another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. Took his time finishing it, too. "How do you and Mads feel about being Shaggy and Fred?"

Aaron closed his eyes. "No. You are not being a dog for Halloween. Especially not a talking one."

"I mean, if talking is the issue-" It was clear from the way Alex said it, that Aaron had made a mistake. "They do make these really cute bone gags. It would be totally in costume too."

Aaron loved his boyfriend. He really, really did. "Try again, Alex."

"Fine. You two can be Batman and Robin, and I'll be Harley Quinn." Wait for it- "The naughty girl you're so keen on saving."

There it was. "Wouldn't you rather be our good boy? Think of how many kisses you'd earn by behaving yourself all night."

Silence. Aaron cracked open one eye, expected to find his boyfriend plotting. Found him staring at Aaron instead, frown evident. "Do we not want to be good?"

Maybe that was it. Maybe Halloween was a chance for Alex to be bad- though, how Scooby Doo fit in that equation, Aaron didn't want to know. Or maybe Alex just liked the idea of a costume that involved him being saved.

"I don't know." The words sounded off, there was something that Aaron was missing.

So he pressed forward, trying to reassure Alex that it was okay. "I mean, if you're looking to be the bad boy- you can do that too. Get you a nice leather jacket?"

More silence. Alex's face scrunching and unscrunching before he finally shoved the carton toward Aaron and dropped his own spoon in the sink. "I guess I'll think about it later. I think I'm going to lay down now."

"Of course." 

It took him a while to put the unwanted ice cream away. To shake the feeling that he'd just been part of a one-way conversation without any of the details. If Alex hadn't come up with a costume by tomorrow afternoon, maybe he and James could sit down and brainstorm together. Maybe that would help some.


	145. Chapter 145

Clearly, Lafayette wasn't the only one with a taste for the dramatic. When Hercules walked into his kitchen and saw Alex there, he closed his eyes. "Why?"

"I missed our check in's." Alex hopped off the table, smiling when Hercules didn't hesitate to open his arms for a hug. "Plus, you still haven't told me about you and Peggy. My feelings are hurt, you knew about Aaron the moment it happened."

Kind of. 

Actually, he'd had John drop him off hoping to find Maria. Found Peggy instead. Apparently, she was going to be a greek goddess for Halloween, alongside some of the female RA's that she was still friends with. Maria and Eliza were being Little Red Riding Hood and the axe woman, respectfully.

Alex was kind of looking forward to seeing that one.

"Peggy's cool and all, but I don't think there's much to tell there." Hug broken, Hercules snagged a beer out of the fridge and headed toward the living room, and Alex followed after obediently.

"Shouldn't you two still be in the honeymoon stage?" Hercules took one of the arm chairs, and Alex curled against the arm of the couch. "Shouldn't you be dying to talk about her?"

Hercules rolled his eyes and took a swig of his drink. "That works a little bit better when you don't know her. And when the people haven't known each other so long. We've been friends for over a year, dating just means we're sharing a room now too. Unless you want the dirt on whether or not she snores."

"By that definition, James and Aaron are dating." After all, they were friends and shared a bed.

Sometimes even if Alex wasn't in it.

"Man, I love you, I do-" Said in the same tone that Hercules used to remind Alex that he was straight, just straight. "But your relationships? Are weird. Aaron's a cool dude, and I'm glad that I got to know him a little better because of you- but y'all are something else. And I really don't know what goes on at either your or Gil's place."

Alex would argue that those were two very different households, settled instead for listening to Hercules complain about being a senior. Talking to talk, to fill the space. Which was completely fine with Alex, liked listening to his friend's voice. Closed his eyes as Hercules groused about attendance policies and 10 AM classes. About how ridiculous they were. Something Alex could understand, especially as his mind started to drift. Tried to stay awake- to keep focused-

There were nails scratching just behind his ear and Alex practically purred, pushing up into the contact. Tried to deny that the high pitch whine that followed belonged to him. "Come on sleeping beauty, time to wake up."

Alex wasn't positive what he said, but whatever it was earned him a sharp reprimand. "Alexander Hamilton, you are not going to like me if you don't wake up now."

"Not my mom." Nope, still not the right thing to say. The blanket- wait, when had someone put a blanket on him?- that he'd been curled with ended up on the floor as Eliza tugged him to his feet. Didn't mother to wait for him to get his bearings before nudging him toward the door.

Cool air forced him awake, and Alex huffed as Eliza clicked a belt around his waist. "Could have done that myself."

"Because you've been so cooperative for the last thirty minutes." Ire seemingly forgotten, she hummed as she walked around to the driver's side.

Thirty minutes? Had she really been trying that long to wake him up? And if so, how long had he been asleep? "Hercules said to let you sleep as long as possible, but Maria doesn't like to drive if it isn't necessary and I wanted to get home."

Gone. Hercules had left. Gone to dinner if Eliza was to be believed.

Alex rubbed at his eyes, trying to put everything together. Not that Eliza seemed that interested in letting him, just kept throwing out random information. Most likely as it occurred to her, but it wasn't exactly the most cohesive way to explain anything. 

"Alexander?" Alex jumped slightly. "I asked how your head was doing. I heard you got a rather nasty cut."

Got. As if he hadn't done it to himself. "'s fine. Hip's fine too."

Because that would come next. The rundown of old injuries. Did she do the same for Lafayette and John? If so that had to be a hilarious list. Couldn't help but be glad that they had someone like her on their side. No nonsense, but also not overly judgemental. 

"Maria's sorry, by the way." Casual. Alex wondered if Eliza even knew for what, or if she just assumed it was Maria being overly apologetic about nothing again. Or over something small.

Maybe it was. They were dating, after all. Heaven knew Alex talked to Aaron about almost everything under the sun. "It's okay. I'm- not happy? But it's okay."

Adults. They were adults. Alex had talked to Franklin about John. About the way he'd been at the hospital. Angry but there. Non-talkative, but there. Kept showing up until his shoulders had relaxed and he'd returned to his usual handy self.

John- John wasn't the most emotionally mature person on the planet. Not that Alex was any better. But Ben had called it grown up. Said that sometimes the adult thing to do wasn't to avoid emotions or claim they didn't happen- but to keep showing up anyway. Especially when the person couldn't change what happened. John couldn't change the fact that Alex OD'd, and while he had a right to space- Franklin had brought up a point.

In the case of a slip up, in a relapse, close friends of addicts had to make a choice. They had to choose to understand that addiction wasn't about them. That the addict didn't relapse because of something they did or didn't do. 

Alex hadn't relapsed because his friends weren't there enough. Or because of something they'd done.

He'd relapsed because he'd been surrounded by familiar triggers, and because of being afraid. By choosing to stay, choosing to not take it out on Alex that he was hurt- John- Hercules- Aaron- even Maria- what they were doing was showing that Alex had other choices. And if they stayed through him ODing, couldn't he trust them a little bit more that they'd stay through him being worried about using again?

Alex couldn't change that his friends had talked to each other. Couldn't imagine a situation in the future where it would matter as much again. And Maria... Maria had gone through worse things. So maybe he needed to prove something to her too. 

"Did you know?" Alex asked as they pulled into his driveway. "The day that I came into your office- did you know?"

Dark hair brushed Eliza's shoulder when she tilted her head to the side. "Gilbert said it wasn't his handiwork and I believed him. And I've seen enough injuries to know that people only let them get that bad for a reason. Either you had an extreme dislike of doctors, which I couldn't rule out, or something bad had happened."

That made sense. More than he wanted it to. Didn't like how easy it was to find out that he was-

Whatever he was.

"Alex?" Alex flushed as he undid the buckle, realizing he'd drifted off again. A hand rested on his shoulder just as he went to get out of the car. "Good luck. And see you on Friday right?"

Right. The party was on Saturday and she'd promised to help out with the food. Alex waved at her as she left before heading inside and flopping across Mads on the bed.

Hummed, pleased, when it didn't even get him chastised, just pulled into the fold.


	146. Chapter 146

Aaron patted his pockets when he heard a phone buzz, only to frown when he realized it wasn't there.

Followed the sound to next to the washer, where Alex must have taken his pants off and left his inside. Ridiculous child. One of these days they were going to accidentally wash the thing and then what would Alex do?

What had caused it to go off was a bit more puzzling. A calendar reminder with just a handful of words.

Alex was watching James play something on his computer in the living room and Aaron tossed the phone on the couch. "Is it really a terrible, no good, bad day?"

Enough of one that Alex felt the need to mark it on his calendar. Aaron'd said it as a joke, assumed there was a hidden meaning there. After all, they'd had a good day. Alex gone to classes with him, armed with a notebook that he kept refusing to let anyone else look at. Not even a moment of complaint as he followed Aaron around, and Aaron was relieved that Alex still hadn't been tempted into asking to hang out on campus alone. Seemed content to stay at Aaron or Madison's side since he left the hospital. Sometimes John's, if they were going to hang out later. After classes, they'd even had lunch with Hercules. Talked about the menu for the party and just how many people were going to be in attendance.

That was one good thing about Lafayette's house in the woods, the chance of them getting actual trick or treaters was slim. No need to worry about little prying eyes. Everyone free to behave as poorly as they wished. Or, as poorly as Lafayette allowed.

Alex didn't laugh or let him in on what the reminder meant, just pushed himself off the couch and headed toward the bedroom muttering something under his breath. Aaron waited in the doorway patiently while Alex changed. Switched from jeans to a pair of gym shorts and a hoodie, tugging the beanie back on when he was done.

When Alex went to pass him, Aaron spoke, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Take me to Laf's?"

Not what he'd been expecting, but yes, Aaron could do that. "Do you want to stop and get some sour patch kids on the way there?"

It was a small gesture, but considering his boyfriend's darkening expression- "Chocolate?"

"Whatever you want." It wasn't his usual, but that was fine.

Except Alex didn't tear into the snickers bar when he climbed back into the car, just tucked it into his hoodie. Continued to tap away at his phone, every now and then sitting it on the dash only to snatch it back up.

Agitation growing by the second. Aaron spared him another glance as they turned onto the street Lafayette's home was down. "Want to tell me what's going on?"

"John won't answer his phone."

That explained the chocolate then. Were they supposed to meet up? Was John the one having a bad day? And if so- why had Alex known far enough in advance to program it in his phone. Especially to have actually needed the reminder. It couldn't have been something he put in there recently.

Alex didn't seem to be in the mood to explain any of that. Aaron put the vehicle into park, twisting in his seat even as Alex unbuckled himself. "Do you want me to come in or-"

Gone. If it weren't for how worried Alex seemed to be, Aaron would have been offended to have the door all but shut in his face. Which left the question he'd been about to ask? Did he wait around to see if John was even home? At least it seemed that Alex had been able to get inside. Aaron wouldn't put it past his boyfriend to try climbing in through a window.

Or breaking one, if he were being honest.

Another beat. Maybe it would be best to at least stick his head in. Maybe Hercules had picked Lafayette and John up and Alex was just sneaking around in hopes of finding his best friend. Wouldn't want to leave Alex there, if so, especially since he hadn't given Aaron time to grab his own phone. He'd hate to make it all the way home and just have to turn around.

He wasn't sure what to expect inside the house. Something between either an empty house or Alex and John sprawled across the living room, maybe playing a video game or curled up on the couch. Something innocent.

Definitely not Lafayette all but blocking the doorway as he pressed a struggling Alex against the wall. "What the fuck?"

The curse broke Lafayette's concentration just enough to give Alex an opening and Aaron watched with an unhealthy dose of anxiety as Alex's knee drove into their friend's stomach. But Lafayette didn't retaliate, just stumbled backward, arms curling around his middle even as Alex ran off, calling the Frenchman every name in the book. And then some.

Unfocused. Lafayette's gaze was entirely unfocused as he stared at Aaron, face and chest slick with sweat as he panted, clearly physically recovering. And not just from whatever it was Alex hit, no. While Alex was stronger than Aaron, he definitely didn't come close to Lafayette's strength. The hold he'd had on Alex had been practically effortless. "The fuck is going on?"

"I am hoping," Lafayette finally managed. Straightened himself so that he could head into the kitchen to fix himself a cup of water, started again once he'd had half of it, "I am hoping you might be able to tell me. One moment I am enjoying myself with mon amour, the next Alex is on my back."

Alex. Not Little Alex, not ma petite, not even ma cherie. None of Lafayette's usual fondness.

"I'd apologize for him, but I'm not sure I should yet." The statement earned him a huff, but considering Alex's mood on the way over-

"I am not abusing my Laurens." Aaron hadn't accused him of it, but at least it solidified the fact that Lafayette meant they'd been fighting when Alex came in. "He is the one who started things."

Aaron shot a pleading look toward the door, praying that Alex and John would appear. That someone would give him an explanation. That he wasn't actually stuck trying to figure out why his boyfriend decided to interrupt the violent duo in what might as well have been their version of coitus.

"When you say started, do you mean that he swung first?" Maybe John had been legitimately upset. And if so, they needed to have a conversation there too. If they wanted to fight each other for fun that was entirely different from throwing a punch because he was angry.

A small amount of relief flooded him when Lafayette shook his head slowly, obviously not following.

"Gil," the nickname felt strange in his mouth, but considering the picture that was slowly piecing itself together- "What does John usually do when he gets away from you when you're fighting? Does he leave the room?"

Lafayette shook his head. No. No, he didn't and before Aaron could point out that obviously John had when Alex- dear heavens, when Alex attacked Lafayette-

The thought seemed to strike Lafayette, knuckles growing pale as he gripped the counter he'd been leaning against. "He did not want to fight, did he?"

No. No, it didn't appear he did.


	147. Chapter 147

There was a John shaped lump in the corner of the room, but considering Alex had already been slammed against one wall- he didn't engage with it directly. Didn't think John would hit him, but considering he'd just been fighting, didn't want to tempt him.

"I brought you a candy bar." The lump moved, just a smidge and Alex placed it on the dresser. "I'm sorry, I should have been here-"

Smaller. The lump grew smaller, John turning in on himself. Alex shut up. Didn't want to make things worse.

Rubbed at his arm awkwardly, trying to figure out what to say- what to do. Settled for grabbing the quilt off of John's bed and opening up the closet doors. Plucked down a few of John's shirts, dropping them to the floor before shoving the quilt in there too. Stared at the space before humming to himself. "Can I get you something to drink?"

Alex might end up regretting that, wasn't sure how he would feel about someone offering him pain pills to calm him down. But John hadn't gone to the hospital for drinking, hadn't overdosed, and at the moment- at the moment, Alex just wanted to get him through the day.

"Fireball," the lump said, barely lifting its head off its knees.

Alright. Fireball. Alex could do that. Hopefully without getting thrown against a wall again. 

Probably got a little bit too much pleasure out of walking around the house with his shoes on. It was petty and childish, but Alex wasn't exactly feeling mature at the moment. Knew that what John and Laf got up to was consensual-

But Laf should have known. Should have realized something was wrong, should have known something was going on. What if Aaron hadn't found his phone? What if Alex hadn't come in?

Alex expected to find Aaron and Lafayette in the hallway or living room, even the kitchen, but the house was empty leaving Alex free to look around for the liquor. Considered grabbing two glasses before shrugging. They could just drink from the bottle.

Back in the room, the snickers and the lump had moved, John standing with a blanket around his shoulders by the closet. Alex crawled into the makeshift nest, spread his legs for John to join him. Being shorter, it was a touch awkward, but worth it when the man curled against him. Let himself be held.

Something John didn't often do. Was just as bad as Alex had been on the 'touching is for sex and fighting' front.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

The upturned bottle of fireball was the answer there, so Alex tried again. "Do you want me to ramble?"

A tentative nod. So Alex did. Mads' mom wanted him and Aaron to come down for Christmas, but Aaron didn't know how he felt about that. Especially because Mads wasn't technically out to his dad yet. But Alex liked the idea of meeting all the siblings. Of hanging out in Virginia. Maybe John could come with them. Aaron seemed to be leaning toward getting a hotel room if they went. Passing it off that they were just in the area, checking out some other sort of attraction. That way it wouldn't seem so suspicious.

Neither of them could imagine Mads having brought too many people home before. Aaron said that he'd spent most of his time during break the previous year with parties that didn't need to be named. 

If John went, maybe they could go by the aquarium. Virginia even had a couple of theme parks, wouldn't John like to ride roller coasters with them? It'd be cold of course, but that just meant fewer lines. It shouldn't be too much of a problem to bundle up. They might be able to convince Aaron to join in on the fun.

In his head, Alex added that Lafayette could come too. Wasn't worth bringing up at the moment, not with the way John'd been fighting. If Alex was being understanding he could maybe see that Lafayette hadn't realized. That he'd thought John was being feisty. Doubted John said no. Mistook John's bad mood as him trying to pick a fight. Mistook John trying to get him off as feistiness. 

But Alex wasn't in the mood to be understanding. Hadn't appreciated being practically thrown, or the arm across his chest. Lafayette growling at him, asking if he wanted to play. Clearly displeased with Alex's behavior. But he'd just wanted him to get off John, could see the panic rising on John's face. If Alex hadn't of been there- if Alex hadn't of been there John would have resorted to fighting dirty. Would Lafayette have recognized it as a sign or would he have taken it as permission? That or John would have gone limp, trying to minimize the damage.

How many times had Alex been in a similar position? Where his mouth had earned him a place against a wall, fighting for his life until he'd just learned to shut his eyes and take it.

Today was going to be bad enough without that. 

"They're gone." It felt weird telling John that. "Aaron and Lafayette. I'm not sure where they went, but they aren't here. We could shower maybe? I could wash your hair? We could come back here after."

After all, Alex liked it when Aaron did that for him. And it'd give John something to focus on other than his birthday. Something to think about other than years of fucked up birthday gifts followed by years of neglect. They'd never particularly talked about the why's of John's bad days, but Alex couldn't help but wonder if maybe John didn't have a case of PTSD of his own. Or at least flashbacks. Could someone have flashbacks without PTSD? He'd have to ask Franklin about that one.

But John didn't want to shower. Kept himself firmly planted against Alex's chest, switching between the occasional acknowledgment that Alex was talking and taking swigs of his alcohol.

Alex stroked the stomach beneath his hand, trying to keep the touch comforting. "We're going to be okay. Tomorrow will be here soon."

And October would be over soon enough.

They'd get there. With or without anyone else.


	148. Chapter 148

Somehow, Aaron had expected Hercules to be a bit more concerned about the current predicament. 

"I'm just saying-" Of course, the fact that the man was apparently three beers into a six pack might have something to do with that- "You're just lucky you didn't clock Alex. Burr might be small, but I don't doubt for a second that he'd go for the nuts."

Beside him, Peggy rolled her eyes. "Some people don't solve their problems with their fists."

Lafayette was significantly less amused, face buried in his knees. If Aaron had thought that he'd been upset about Alex ignoring him over the summer, this was something else entirely. The man looked outright miserable, even with Eliza perched on the arm of the couch rubbing his back. She glanced between her sister and Aaron. "No, but I do think Aaron is more protective than you might think. Comes with how possessive he is."

Like she was in any position to know how possessive he might be. Not that Aaron considered himself any such thing. To be possessive one had to consider their partner a possession, and Alex was no such thing. Besides, how could he be possessive and willing to be in a polyamorous relationship?

"I would have deserved it." The first words Lafayette had uttered since he'd sat down. "I am the monster he has always suspected me to be."

It pained him to say it, but no, Lafayette wasn't. "If you were, you wouldn't be contemplating jumping off a cliff right now. You two are, however, idiots for never establishing a fucking protocol. I hadn't even kissed Alex before we came up with a safe word."

Not that John was the talkative type. But they needed a signal, some way to tap out. The same way it would happen if they fought in a class or in a ring instead of in their home. How this hadn't come up before, Aaron didn't want to know. Especially considering John's previous comments regarding his sexuality.

"Why did you two show up at the house anyway? Alex isn't due to start his frantic baking for another day or two." As if that was important.

It also wasn't worth lying about. "Alex had a phone reminder set about this being a bad day. The only thing I can figure is that it's usually a rough day for John."

Didn't want to think about that. Too many broken people in their friend group as was. But it would explain a lot about John's punch first, question later technique. The way he liked to pick fights, test who would swing. He'd commented before that he'd protected Alex one too many times, but what if it wasn't about that. What if it was about testing people? Better to find out early on who might hurt him.

Better to establish that he had no problem retaliating. That he wasn't an easy mark. Every bruise and every cut a signal to the world. 'I can handle this, I will get back up and just imagine what will happen to you when I do.'

"He has been-" Lafayette rearranged, sitting up a little more, face scrunched as he searched for the words- "Agitated as of late. I had assumed it was because of Alex. It is usually a good way for us to unwind."

Unbidden, the image of Alex with his body covered in bruises and scratches came to mind. As did all the excuses. Got them rolling on the floor, got them falling down the stairs. Unbelievable next to the truth. Got them surrendering to his worst night. From trying to escape himself. From loving his best friend just a little too hard. One set indistinguishable from the next.

Soft. Alex had softened over the year. Fight plucked from him by a malevolent force. Fight plucked from him by guilt over loving someone the wrong way. Of hurting John without realizing it.

Lafayette and Jefferson were around the same height. Could have passed for cousins in the right light. Who had Alex imagined when he launched himself? 

"Shit I still wish I didn't know about you two," Hercules muttered.

Peggy looked like she agreed. Maria probably would have too if she'd stuck around. As soon as they'd shown up at the door, Maria had begged off- something about needing to rest up for a test the next day.

Aaron knew the feeling. There were other things he needed to be doing. Notes to be looking over, reviews to write. He was doing better than last semester, was keeping afloat rather than just treading water. Something that wouldn't last if things started to spiral out of control.

Maybe it wouldn't though. Maybe Alex would be able to help John and maybe Hercules would be able to help Lafayette. Or if not him, Eliza. She seemed familiar enough with their situation, and unlike Hercules, she didn't seem uncomfortable about it.

Aaron had dragged Lafayette over here under the assumption that Hercules would be able to help. That and a desire to get Lafayette out of the house. John had every right to be upset with him at the moment, and he deserved a safe place. The ability to walk around without fearing he'd run into Lafayette again.

How far Aaron was willing to go in the name of providing John with that had yet to be decided.

"Why don't we go to dinner-" Eliza straightened, took the time to tuck back in her blouse- "Just the three of us. We could get take out and go to the park perhaps? I think some fresh air would do us all some good."

That worked for Hercules, left him and Peggy to resume the game that they'd been watching. 

Lafayette only grudgingly agreed, seemingly content to wallow in self-deprecation. Dragged himself off the couch with the air of a man walking to his execution. 

Which might not have been that uncalled for. Eliza had apparently mastered the parental 'I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed', the 'while I will help you through this mess, you need to talk about just how it happened. Those who do not examine their past are doomed to repeat it.' routine. Something she immediately launched into when they climbed into the car. "Moping won't make this any better, Gilbert. Hating yourself will not fix it. Calling yourself a monster is not helpful. You need to make a decision about whether or not this is a relationship worth trying to fix. Relationships are work and I think it's time you realized that."

Aaron almost felt bad for him.

Almost.


	149. Chapter 149

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied to you and told you that there would be no more smut.
> 
> But the boys are tactile and want comfort, okay? I couldn't deprive them of that. If it makes you feel better, it didn't actually turn out all that smutty.

There were almost definitely classes that John needed to go to, but he didn't seem the least bit interested and Alex wasn't going to push it. What were a few missed classes compared to a chance to recharge. To actually make John feel better.

Lafayette and Aaron hadn't reappeared last night, though his boyfriend had texted him later on. Asked if they needed anything, reminded him that he and James were both there if Alex or John wanted them. A sweet notion, but Alex had to do this on his own. Support systems were nice, but sometimes- sometimes it helped to know that there was that one person. One person was a lot less complicated.

They'd fallen asleep in the closet. He'd woken up with John practically winding him, much larger body covering him completely. Not that Alex would have changed a thing. It'd been comforting, like a cocoon.

As for the general mood of the house, John seemed a little calmer. Let Alex make him scrambled eggs, ate without complaint. Didn't immediately reach for the liquor bottle, though Alex was sure that he'd considered it. Considering it wasn't doing it, though, and Alex- Alex was proud of him for facing the day without it. Even if they didn't actually do much. Watched reality tv for a bit, napped, bitched about the weather and exams. Careful to avoid anything about what had happened. Sandwiches eaten on the floor, dinner on the couch.

An easy day. Still without a peep from the owner of the house. A good thing in Alex's opinion. Fuck Lafayette. John could move in with them. A bit extreme of a stance, but sleeping in the closet hadn't exactly endeared him to the man. Neither had the nightmares.

"Shower?" John asked, nudging Alex's thigh with his toe.

As if Alex would turn that down. 

Held his breath while John washed him, soapy rag trailing across his chest and hips. Didn't like the way that John stared at the scars, fingers trailing along some of the darker ones. Like he was seeing them for the first time. A favor Alex could have returned considering the bruises along John's chest and thighs. But Alex glanced over there, paid just enough attention to get John clean. Focused mostly on working shampoo and then conditioner into curls.

When that was washed out, Alex found himself pushed against the wall- a mouth by his ear.

"Tell me yes." There were fingers dragging along his sides, just enough nail to sting. "Tell me you want this."

Tell John that he could still be wanted when he showed weakness. That he didn't have to be strong all time. That it wasn't a bad thing that he couldn't stand to be hurt yesterday. "Always."

It was all the consent that John needed. Two hands gripped his face, but the kiss was surprisingly gentle. Gentle because that was what John needed. Didn't need to be shoved, or scratched or bitten. Blindly he reached for the knob, shutting the water flow off before it got too cold. Allowed John to plaster their bodies together, soft cock pressing into Alex's stomach even as Alex slid his hands down the muscular back.

Gripped John's ass, pulling him in. Wanted that pressure.

"You're not allowed to leave me again." John's forehead was pressed into collar bone. "You can't do that to me."

Vulnerable. It almost hurt to hear. It was one thing for it to be said in anger, but John wasn't angry. He was desperate."I'm here."

Because it was pointless to say that he wouldn't leave again. That he wouldn't OD, that he wouldn't fuck up. What was important was that right here? Right now? He was there. He wasn't planning on leaving. Couldn't imagine it. Didn't want to leave his current life either. Still loved Aaron and Mads, didn't want to have to choose. Didn't think he'd have too. Understanding, they were so understanding and John seemed to be coming around to the idea that sharing didn't mean that Alex didn't care.

While not perfect, the answer must have been enough if the way John mouthed as his jaw line meant anything. And as nice as that was, the shower wall wasn't comfortable. Soft, gentle exploration did not lend itself to quickies. Didn't lend itself to mindless distraction. Called for a better atmosphere than this."Don't you want to move this to bed?"

He'd have to wash the comforter later. They'd have to sleep somewhere else, giant wet spot in the center as Alex laid John out. Stomach on soft fabric while Alex balanced on his ass. Dug his knuckles into the hard spots on John's back. It would hurt for the moment, but it'd be worth it in the end. Massaged circles along his shoulders, gentle scratches along his spine. Like Alex would a cat.

Didn't stop until John had melted. Bent to press kisses on exposed skin before encouraging the man to roll over. Lafayette might call John love, but Alex had loved him first. Had been there longer, danced with him longer. Stood by him when John struggled to accept his sexuality. Played the push and pull game with him the longest. "You said you wanted to practice kissing for hours."

"Miss it." Hands pulled him down. "Missed you."

Missed him while he was still right there. Alex braced himself, knees on either side of his stomach. Sucked on John's bottom lip, humming with contentment when calloused hands stroked his thighs. "Missed you too. Missed you so much."

It wasn't even a lie. Alex needed this as much as John did. Needed to know that even when he fucked up, that John would take him back. Wouldn't abandon him. Them against the world if that's what it came to.

They'd stayed like that. Not pressing forward, not trying to make it more. Just kissing, just hands until John began to drift off. Carefully, doing his best not to startle him, Alex wrapped himself around John, ear to his chest.

Listened to that heartbeat until he fell asleep.


	150. Chapter 150

"It's weird seeing him like this."

At least James had dragged Lafayette to work with him. Having the man fidgeting around the house the past twenty-four hours had been a test to Aaron's patience. Across the table, Eliza shrugged. "It's not that out of character? The times they've ended up in my office... John is always sheepish when it's his fault. Gilbert puts up a good front when it's his, but he's the one who nags me if I'm sure about the results and calls days later to check in." 

It didn't fit with Aaron's mental image any more than him being upset over Alex had. Or him liking plays. Which means the edges warped a little more until Lafayette was basically a giant child. The kid on the playground demanding that everyone act in their play, that everyone do everything just so and getting upset when it didn't happen. The same kid who panicked when the kid they just pushed ended up with blood on their palms. Sliding little debbie snack cakes across the lunch table to try and make up for it.

The cobbled up image wasn't exactly flattering either, but at least it made Aaron feel less out of his depth. "Thank you for talking with me."

Because it wasn't as if they were friends. Sure, they were nice to each other at Hercules' house parties, but they hadn't spent any time alone before. But Hercules had been less than helpful the other night, and somehow, he didn't actually feel like explaining the entire situation to Angelica.

"They're good boys." Hearing the familiar phrase applied to John and Lafayette almost caused his to spit out his coffee, but Aaron managed to keep it to a cough. "Don't give me that look, they get judged constantly. But I do think they love one another."

Five months ago, Aaron wouldn't have actually considered Lafayette capable of that. "I'm just not sure what to do. Alex said they're doing okay the last time I texted, but that John was still fragile. And it doesn't help that the halloween party is fast approaching. Aren't you supposed to go over there today to help with the food? If those two are still at odds, what are we supposed to do? Drag John out of the house so everyone else can have a good time?"

"Alex already pushed food prep till tomorrow." At least he had some sense. "Personally, I think it would be best if Gilbert went back over there tonight. If he waits until John's feeling completely on his feet- he's only reinforcing that he can't be part of the healing process."

Maybe. "So what? You think we should go pick him up from the smoke shop?"

"I think it wouldn't be a bad idea."

A statement that ended up with the three of them on the murder house door step, Lafayette still dressed in yesterday's clothes, hanging back behind them. The door was unlocked, though the house was quiet. Eliza tugged Lafayette toward the kitchen, shooing Aaron toward the hallway, message clear. She would keep him busy while Aaron found his boyfriend and John.

An excellent call when he found them curled around one another, naked skin glistening for all the world to see. Careful to be quiet, Aaron stepped forward, stroked the side of Alex's face until his boyfriend groaned, eyes cracking open. It took him a moment to focus, to see Aaron there, and when he did, he buried his face in John's chest. Poor baby.

"Rise and shine." Aaron kissed his cheek, trying not to feel weird about being so close to certain parts of John's anatomy. "Eliza's here and Gil."

That made Alex huff, and for a second, Aaron wasn't sure he'd actually get his boyfriend to get up. But the conversation was enough to wake John, who propped himself up, blinking wearily. Unable to help himself, Aaron reached over to squeeze his shoulder. "I'm going to let you boys get dressed. We'll be in the kitchen."

When they finally made it out, Alex's frame was lost in the shirt he'd borrowed, a pair of John's sweat pants most likely rolled at the waist. John, in contrast, was only wearing a pair of pajama pants, still half naked as he rubbed at his eyes. They'd been sleeping so well and Aaron hated that they'd needed to wake them.

Especially for this.

"Would you like some hot chocolate?" Eliza and James would get along for all their mothering.

John tentatively accepted the mug, but Alex just hugged himself- clearly the more displeased of the two. "Why are you here?"

"I think," Eliza sat down her own cup as she said it. "That Gilbert has something to say."

Put on the spot, Lafayette cringed. "Mon amour, I did not realize-"

"'s fine." It didn't look fine, John all but hiding behind his drink, Alex blocking even more of him. As if to protect him. "I didn't say no."

And Alex had gone with Jefferson 'willingly.' Sometimes it wasn't as much about not saying no as it was about saying yes. Aaron sighed. "John-"

John wasn't having it, though. "Don't John me. I can defend my fucking self."

"I should not have put you in a position to do so." Lafayette sounded so earnest.

But even Aaron knew where that statement would go wrong. John rolled his eyes. "Shut up. This is who we are."

Defensive. John was defensive, and not just for himself, but their relationship. Their dysfunctional relationship. But if there was one thing that Aaron had learned over his relationship with Alex, it was that relationships could be fixed. That baggage could be juggled so that it was easier to carry. It was a work in progress, figuring out how to navigate Alex's needs and wants with his own. In learning to balance things, rather than just give Alex everything.

"No one is telling you that you can't fight, John," Eliza kept her tone soft, perfectly patient. "Just that there needs to be a way to know when it really isn't okay. But we can talk about that later, okay?"

John's expression was still stormy, but he nodded. Gave Eliza permission to move forward. "We'll do that later then. What we need to know right now is whether or not you want Gilbert to come back tonight."

"Alex can stay?" That question was aimed at Aaron, who nodded. Eventually, he would like Alex to come home, but right now, he could wait. "Then yeah."

At least Aaron would have his house back. Kind of.


	151. Chapter 151

The skin beneath his fingertips was soft.

Lafayette had left for class an hour ago and John had immediately returned to the bedroom. They didn't have long, not before Peggy arrived, but Alex just wanted to touch. Dragged his fingers along the small lines on John's torso. "Do you really let him cut you?"

"Mm." John propped himself up on his elbows so that he could watch Alex. "Not often. Feels nice sometimes."

Nice wasn't something Alex associated with knives but John's scars were different. Lighter, more controlled. Alex couldn't be sure, but there even appeared to be a small heart just under John's right nipple. The lines weren't connected, and it could have been a coincidence, but Alex entertained the notion that it wasn't. Even if John didn't know it was there, uninterested in inspecting his own body. Something Lafayette could run his thumb over, something only he knew about.

Alex's were ugly, and not just because of what they were associated with. Darker, created with the intent to harm. Mostly concentrated to his upper chest, except for what was now a splotch on his hip. At least what was there had been mostly distorted when they had to lance it.

John rolled out from beneath his hands, and Alex huffed, annoyed. Something that didn't stop him listening when John told him to shut his eyes. Listened as John left the room, trying to obey. To not open them just yet. Something that became harder when John came back and yanked Alex's shirt over his head.

Something wet brushed across his chest and Alex held his breath. Only stopped when John poked his side and told him to breathe normally. Easy for him to say, he wasn't the one being- Alex wasn't actually sure what was going on. John was silent for the most part, the only sound the occasional rustling of what might have been pages. 

After what felt like forever, John helped him stand up. Prodded him forward with two hands on his shoulders, guiding him. "Open your eyes."

Alex was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom and he stared.

Green leaves wound their way around his torso. John pointed at one. "Fern."

"Forget-me-not." Tiny blue flowers along his chest. 

Orchids along his collar bones. Alex had known John could sketch, but he'd never seen him paint. Liked it though. How it hid the marks all over him. John'd copied the flowers out of one of his textbooks, had used them to cover something he knew upset Alex. Carefully he touched one, made sure that they'd dried before leaning up to kiss his friend.

Only to spring apart when a cough came from the door. Mads. "Aaron said y'all were cooking today?"

Alex scratched the back of his head, trying not to feel like he'd been caught cheating. Mads didn't look angry at all, just amused. Smiled slightly as he looked down at Alex's chest. "Looks nice. But if you don't want Peggy to check you out, you might want to throw a shirt on."

Message received. John crossed to the dresser so that he could toss Alex a tank top. It left the orchids visible, but Alex kind of liked that. Liked that he could catch sight of them. 

It turned out that Mads was right, too. Peggy showed up soon after, ringing the bell incessantly until John answered it. Alex got her started on some mummy themed hot dogs, with strips of biscuits crisscrossed over top. John was cutting up apples for the fried apples that Alex wanted to make later. Perhaps not halloween themed, but fall themed and extra yummy. 

Which left Alex bumping shoulders with his boyfriend as they worked on cookie and cupcake batter at the counter. He hadn't expected Mads to come, or John to help, and Alex was mentally going over the recipes he knew- making a plan for when Angelica and Eliza arrived. Knew he wanted some kind of mini sandwiches, and maybe a punch. Having two extra hands on deck meant that he didn't need to worry that the day wasted would cause a problem. No, they would be ready in time for the party.

Angelica arrived next, looking far too professional in a beautiful deep pink suit. Alex laughed when she pressed a kiss to his cheek before disappearing toward the bathroom to change into clothes that could be gotten dirty.

And once Eliza came back? Peggy confiscated John's computer to play music while they worked. 

It was nice having everyone helping. Even if Eliza and John did disappear into a back room soon after she arrived. They would talk. Maybe even come to a solution and Alex knew he and Lafayette needed that. Needed someone impartial and knowledgeable.

After this was over, he'd make Eliza a cake. The fanciest one she'd ever seen. Because if John wanted that relationship to work, then so did Alex. Even if it would be nice to just adopt him into the fold at their house instead. 

Probably for the best, Mads already made enough jokes about Alex collecting boyfriends. 

"Mutt-" Alex looked up- "What do you want me to do with these? I could put it in the oven with the cupcakes?"

Sacrilege. "If you open the oven now it'll drop like twenty degrees. Just put the tray on the counter."

"Yessir." When Alex pouted at the comment, Mads leaned in and Alex responded to the kiss.

Had to remind himself that there were two other people in the kitchen who probably didn't want to see anything more than that. "Thanks for coming to help."

Mads shrugged, cheeks puffed out as he searched for something to do now that his cookies were ready to go in the oven. "House is quiet without you. Aaron's nice and all- but he's not my boyfriend."

But he could be. Probably not the time to pick that argument, though. "You could always come here. It'd be great, all four of us in bed. Lafayette draped over John, John holding me. Me using you as a pillow. Perfect arrangement."

It earned him a snort and a kiss. "Pretty sure even french fry doesn't have a bed big enough for all that. You'll be home soon. Even if Aaron has to kidnap John to make it happen."

Dorks. The lot of them. "Come on, we have apple cider to make."


	152. Chapter 152

Saturday morning came too soon and Alex couldn't have been more excited. Woke Aaron and Mads up when he straddled Aaron's sleeping body and wouldn't stop bouncing. He'd spent the night with John, and in Aaron's opinion, it was far too early for them to be up on a weekend. According to Alex, John was running regularly again because of what had happened, and while Alex would have loved to join him- he wasn't fast enough. Didn't want to wear himself out before the party.

They'd had a nice breakfast, courtesy of James' mothering instincts. It'd been nice enough, a chance to relax together for the first time since everything had happened with John. John, who had doubled down on his relationship with Lafayette since it'd been confronted- though it sounded like Eliza had gotten through to him about ways to make things healthier. It would be a process, but Aaron had hope that it would turn out for the positive.

Lafayette had already proven he could make a change once, and considering how upset he'd been upon realizing that John hadn't known how to say no- Aaron never thought he'd say it- but he believed in him. Though part of him was tempted to suggest couple's counseling. Or betray John's trust just a bit and bring up that the man didn't know how to engage in foreplay that didn't involve being slammed into a wall.

The biggest problem of the day was what came after breakfast. Specifically, Alex sharing their costumes with them for the first time. Aaron had been washing up when Alex showed it off to Madison. Who stuck his head in the kitchen once he was dressed, shaking his head fondly. Brown tights, just a little lighter than his skin tone, covered his legs and what appeared to be a green tunic covered the rest of him. He even had a little hat and belt. "I'm a woodland elf. Aren't you excited to be one too?"

Somehow, this was worse than Alex's original suggestions to turn him into a dog or Harley Quinn. With what was most likely an over-dramatic sigh, he stuck the last dish where it belonged before going to find his boyfriend. Hopefully to talk some sense into him.

There were many things that Aaron was willing to do for love, this was not one of them. "Alex-"

"Mads already agreed." Of course, he did. James was practically a love sick puppy when it came to Alex. 

Such a change from last semester. Sometimes Aaron wondered if that was it, that Alex had been so determined to be friends with him- that James didn't want to lose that. Considering his previous association with Jefferson, Alex was probably one of the first people to want James for James. Who listened to his advice and didn't look down on him. That James didn't have to worry about having a secret agenda.

As complicated as Alex's social life tended to be, he was a rather simple with his wants. Chased after whatever made him feel good, hid from things that made him feel bad. So long as shame wasn't involved? It was possible to take him entirely at face value.

"I'm not wearing stockings. Or leggings. Or whatever it is that you want to call this." Aaron stared at the fabric on the bed, shaking his head once more. "I will go to the store and pick up a quick costume. Maybe I'll go as a pirate. Or a vampire. Whatever they have left."

That didn't seem to be a pleasant compromise for Alex. "But then it won't be a couple's costume." 

The pout was almost enough to make him fold. Almost. "You have James for that. Look, it will be a just you two bonding moment. You need more of those."

Diplomacy at it's finest. Alex huffed slightly before asking if Aaron would at least help him into his costume. Specifically, his fairy costume. It brought Aaron to how ridiculous they'd looked while arguing. Aaron, fulled dressed, Alex in a pair of dark green tights and a matching poofy shirt. Brown leafy skirt barely down to his mid thigh. How Alex had assembled his costume so quickly, Aaron wasn't sure. Had a feeling Lafayette and Hercules both played a part. Some of it Hercules could have sewn and Lafayette had a habit of throwing around money to try and gain forgiveness. Considering John had already forgiven him- it wouldn't have been that hard to sway Alex. He still hoped the man had out and out apologized for pinning Alex to the wall. Alex might have launched himself first- but considering their respective sizes, it'd been a bit over the top.

There was a brown corset on the bed, along with a pair of wings and Aaron picked up the first. He didn't have much experience lacing them, but thankfully the back was already done, just needed to be let out or tightened. Aaron opened the front, clasped it in the front. Kissed Alex once he had the front done before spinning him to tighten up the back. Listened carefully a sign that Alex couldn't breathe, wanted to make sure Alex was comfortable. As ridiculous as Alex could be, Aaron wasn't willing to sacrifice Alex's ability to enjoy himself for a nicer look.

Not that Alex could look nicer. Eliza knocked on the door soon after they finished and whisked Alex away to the bathroom. It took them almost an hour, but when he reappeared, it was with glittery brown leaves, highlighted with golds and greens along his collar bones. Eliza explained that the makeup look was a variation of a smokey eye, but in green instead of black. She'd brushed a softer glitter along his cheeks, put some sort of gloss on his lips.

A brown bandana covered Alex's fuzzy hair. Perhaps not as feminine as the rest of his look, but it didn't look out of place either. Added to the sort of earthy appeal to the whole thing.

Eliza didn't give him time to compliment it, though. Shooing him out the door to find a costume of his own.


	153. Chapter 153

"Little Alex, if you would not mind turning your head a little further to the left."

Actually, Alex would, but he listened anyway. Stared up at Mads as he did, trying not to focus on the fact that Laf had put his boyfriend on a step to achieve the height difference. Ridiculous man. But they would have adorable couple's photos from it and Alex planned on plastering them around the house. And encouraging Aaron to take some with him at a later date.

Something that might be easier than expected, considering Aaron's disgruntlement when he realized that Lafayette had a giant photo of Alex climbing the tree in the basement. If he was feeling nice, Alex might explain that John didn't like having his picture taken. That Alex was one of the few willing subjects the senior had who he also cared about. Not that he thought Lafayette was above bribing underclassmen into participating in his hobby, it was just that unless it was a particularly good shot, Lafayette probably wouldn't display it.

On command, Mads reached out to stroke his cheek, and then of his own prerogative, leaned in for a kiss.

"Beautiful," Lafayette murmured before tucking his camera back in his bag. "I think the final link of your trio has been cornered outside by Mrs. Angelica, if you wish to join him."

Alex doubted that Aaron had been cornered, but it was good to know that he'd found his friend. "Nah, I'm going to try and convince Mads to fuck me in John's room."

Both Mads and Lafayette seemed taken back by that, and Alex couldn't help but laugh. Even when Mads shook his head. "Not happening, Mutt. Not happening."

Alex got a head start for walking away, made sure he was halfway up the stairs before calling out over his shoulder, "Then I'm going to go convince John to fuck me. In Lafayette's room."

It was Mads turn to laugh, and Alex was pretty sure he heard a muttered 'what have I done to deserve this' from Lafayette.

Found John upstairs, talking to Peggy. Couldn't stop himself from complimenting on just how gorgeous she was. Most of the time she dressed in comfy clothes, and while Alex couldn't blame her- she was a vision in her dress, with her hair styled just so. Eliza had obviously gotten to her as well, glitter along her cheeks and hair. John on the other hand, other than the tape around his hands, looked like he hadn't bothered to dress up at all. Red shorts, and what appeared to be someone else's white tank top riding up. The V just starting to be visible, and Alex wanted to lick it. To taste the sweat that was no doubt there.

But that wouldn't be appropriate in polite company. Not that John seemed that interested in being appropriate, plucking at the strings on his corset, eyebrow raised when Alex gasped. Corsets opened up a whole new range of possibilities, especially for sexual torture and being guided. Alex laced up as tight as it could go, restricted in breath and movements.

"My pretty little girlfriend," John teased. "Did Lafayette drive you nuts for the photo shoot?"

"I'm going to get some nice pictures of me and Mads, so I don't mind." Even if Lafayette had made them stand in weird positions to get the best shot, and taken pictures of them kissing. "Know where Herc is? I want to bother him."

And thank him for being so understanding. John hummed, tilting his head toward the kitchen. "Manning the bar and refusing to give me beer."

Beautiful, beautiful Hercules. "Maybe I can swipe one for you. But just one."

No need for John to get fucked up the day before another AA meeting. Even if he didn't think he actually had a problem and needed help. Alex leaned in to kiss John's kiss before heading to find his other friend. Found him surrounded by nine different liquor bottles, shaking something in a metal mixer thing. Alex hadn't realized that Hercules knew how to make that many different drinks.

Made his friend lift him up so that he could sit on the counter and watch. "One day you should teach me your ways."

"Take a bartending course, that's what I did." Hercules paused to hand over a beer to someone who asked. "Figured it'd be a good way to make some cash if I go for my Masters."

Lafayette had made the decision already to double major. Possibly triple major he teased. He'd been planning on minoring in psychology anyway, it was easy enough to up that to a major. On top of that, he was considering throwing in a more artsy major. Dance or photography. Dance- Lafayette might be good at that. Would enjoy being able to teach others if he could, or do choreography. He definitely had enough muscle control to be a quick study and he and John had seemed to enjoy it enough when they took the class last year.

Aaron wanted to do Library science for his. Was already in the process of accepting that his grandparents weren't going to approve. Alex would stand by him as long as Aaron wanted him there, wanted him to be happy. To love his job, even if it didn't make as much money as somewhere else he could. Heaven knew Alex wasn't planning on majoring in anything super lucrative. Was considering social work.

While it wasn't a guarantee that they'd be staying in the area, after all, there were other colleges. Alex considered it a comforting thought. That there was a chance that everyone wouldn't leave him behind just because he wasn't at the same level. 

"What are you planning on doing for it?" Alex asked.

Business. Wanted to own his own business one day, or at least work for himself. He was thinking about Exercise Science as well, and considering how great he'd been about helping Aaron and Alex out, that seemed to be a nice fit too.

"Want to teach me a drink or two so that I can take your place and you can enjoy your party?" At least hopping down from the counter was easier than getting up on it.

Hercules nodded, making space for him at the counter. All but held Alex's hand as he walked Alex through the process. Hercules curled an arm around his waist in a makeshift hug before leaving him to try on his own.


	154. Chapter 154

Aaron swirled the fruity martini that Angelica had pressed into his hand earlier. Took another sip as he watched her, one arm slung over Eliza's shoulder as they talked with Maria. The most logical thing to do would be to find his boyfriend, but the last he'd heard- Alex had been hanging out with John. And as much as he loved Alex, if the two of them were getting handsy, Aaron wasn't in the mood to walk in on it or for either of them to try and rope him into it.

Not that he was in a bad mood per say. It was just loud. Too many people in too small a space. James, in a move that seemed pulled straight from sophomore year, had pulled out his hookah earlier and had a small crowd of people around him. None of which Aaron recognized, and he didn't think James did either. It was a social tool, something to bring people together. 

As much as Aaron had been worried that Alex would be overwhelmed by the crowd, he hadn't considered for a second that it'd bother him- and yet here he was.

"I am afraid that I have been remiss." Aaron didn't look up, just tipped his head to acknowledge that Lafayette had just sat down on the step above him. "I owe you both an apology and my gratitude. You have been- patient with us. Far more than I deserve."

For some rich kid from another country, there were some social niceties that seemed to have slipped past him entirely. Like the fact that parties were probably not the best place for these kinds of conversations. "It's fine. John's a good kid, and I owed you two anyway. Heaven knows you've done the world for Alex."

Lafayette's hand settled on his shoulder. "The coyote in Alex's hen house has never been yourself."

That- that was a weird comparison. Probably not any better in French. Lafayette must have been watching more documentaries to make things up to John. "We've argued before- and I seem to remember John rushing to his rescue then. And you taking me to go see Madison. We're even."

"Still, please accept my thanks." Fine, Aaron could do that. "And I might I compliment your costume? You are a rather dashing pirate. Will you be taking pictures with Alex as well?"

When Aaron didn't respond immediately, Lafayette tried again. "If not tonight- I do think he would like some shots. If you would prefer another photographer, and I am happy to help find someone?"

Another photographer. Something Lafayette probably wasn't offering because he doubted his skill, but because he felt like Aaron might deprive Alex just because of who was behind the lens. Aaron shifted so that he could look up at Lafayette. "Probably not tonight. But we'll figure out something before break gets here."

"You are a good man, Aaron Burr." Aaron allowed himself to be dragged to his feet after Lafayette stood up. "Shall we find your little bird? He was manning the bar last time I saw him."

Which had apparently been some time ago, considering Hercules was hanging out in the kitchen, chatting with Peggy and what appeared to be some of their old RA friends. The absence of Alex didn't seem to perturb Lafayette at all, and Aaron found himself being tugged around the house in search of his boyfriend. Couldn't find a second to remind Lafayette that he wasn't a child and didn't need to be pulled at the wrist- could follow on his own- wasn't really dying to find Alex anyway- because none of that actually mattered to Lafayette. Lafayette wanted to see Alex, and he happened to have Aaron attached to him.

It was only once they'd gone downstairs that they found him, poking at what seemed to be a strange wooden X with John by his side. Something Lafayette was less than pleased with, if the way he stepped forward to put himself between them and it meant anything. One glare at John later, and Lafayette smiled at Alex pointedly. "Mon amour, ma petite, why must you hang out down here when there is fun to be had upstairs."

John, echoing many of Aaron's same sentiments, made a face. "Loud."

Even the larger house parties at Hercules had been more intimate than this. Not that Aaron doubted he deserved every bit of popularity that he had, between RAing and the BSA- and just being a likable guy- that didn't mean Aaron wanted to be at one of, if not the, largest Halloween parties of the year.

Actually- John's comment gave him an opening. "If your head is bothering you, I could take you to the house?"

Alex hummed, looking between them before looking up at Laf. "I should go with them. Just to make sure they don't cheat on us."

Of all the ridiculous- Lafayette flicked Alex's nose before shooing them out the door. No argument that they should stay, no question of when John would be home. Just a comment to find their quiet elsewhere, a promise to tell Madison where they went and to drive him home if need be and to not do anything he wouldn't do. As if much fell in that category. 

Once they were at the car, John gave him a smile before helping Alex into the backseat. "Thanks. It's just-"

"Overwhelming?" Aaron asked about the same time that Alex groaned that it was Too Much.

John nodded, rubbing at his eyes. Poor thing looked dead on his feet and after the week he'd had- it was amazing that he'd been willing to do the party at all.

"I don't think we'll have any trick-or-treaters," Aaron said as they pulled out of the driveway. "But Alex made us get candy anyway. We could watch a movie?"

Or crash out, heaven knew the bed could fit the three of them, or John could take the couch if he wanted. All Aaron knew was that he was happy to get away from some of the chaos.

 


	155. Chapter 155

The carpet on Franklin's floor felt familiar, and thankfully the man didn't chide him for sitting upside down with his feet on the couch. Seemed content to let him vent about the hospital, and the meds, and John-

John and Lafayette.

And how frustrated he was that Lafayette hadn't learned from their fiasco over the summer to communicate, even though he knew he wasn't being fair. That it was a different kind of communication- that John was just as responsible for the fact that they'd basically been dating more than six months and never once talked about ways to signal they didn't want to fight.

But Aaron had been so careful with him. Even when he'd been aggressive and wanted it- wanted to be hit and fucked and hurt. Had wanted someone like Lafayette. Aaron had insisted on safewords even for tough conversation, much less anything more. Had taken his 'one-speed: go' and forced him to slow down to get what he wanted, instead of feeding the fire until it couldn't be put out.

Somehow that had led back to the party. To the costume. To-

"I just-" Alex's head thumped against the floor, though he kept himself from doing it again- "My friend Maria? She has the support group she goes to and she asked if I wanted to come."

A good idea, in Ben's book. Community could be a big part of healing, especially since Alex wasn't ready to talk yet. Wasn't ready to break down what happened. Didn't think there was much to say on the subject. But a group like that could help him see he wasn't alone, to maybe see the benefit of talking. If nothing else, give him skills that Ben couldn't. Tips and tricks that only meant something coming from someone who had been there.

But the group was for women. Or rather, as Maria had put it- non-men. "Is that even a thing? Could I- Is it- I just-"

"Deep breath." Alex couldn't see anything beyond Franklin's shoes, but didn't doubt that the man was looking down at him, concerned. "Yes. it is a thing. Could you be trans? I can't tell you that. I'm going to be honest with you, Alex. It isn't my specialty and I don't know much. But I do know the basics. There are some terms for people who aren't men or women. Nonbinary is the one I know, but I think there are more."

No, Alex liking dresses didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't a man any more than liking men did. But it might be a sign. Maybe Alex could try out some pronouns? Ask Aaron to refer to him as a girl- and not in a sexual sense. That had been said with a chuckle, a joke, but Alex's cheeks still flamed as he thought of John. 

But it was worth exploring. To give it a shot. Being uncomfortable at first didn't necessarily mean whatever wasn't working, it just meant it was new. If Alex thought it necessary, Ben could recommend therapists with more experience in the area- who might be able to help him figure it out. But if Alex wanted to stay, he would try his best to be supportive no matter what.

No, if Alex was trans- it didn't mean something was wrong with him. It wasn't a mental illness. It wasn't because of what happened. Those were things Ben could answer. But there were other things he couldn't and eventually- they ran out of time.

And it was out the door with Alex. Straight to Mads' waiting arms. Who squeezed him tight, but didn't ask why he seemed so upset. Because those were the unspoken rules- what happened in therapy stayed in therapy. They weren't to push or pry.

Usually? Usually, Alex appreciated that. Liked that he could choose whether or not to bring up what happened during therapy. At the moment he just wanted someone else to start to conversation. For someone, someone who wasn't Maria, to look him in the eye and ask what his gender was- or maybe tell him their opinion. To tell him what they thought about him.

To do something that would be terrible and rude to most people. That would probably make him angry if it actually happened. But it didn't stop him from wanting someone else to poke at the wound so that he wouldn't have to bring it up himself or figure it out on his own. After all, he hadn't exactly proven that he was very good at that lately, had he?

"Ben-" Madison made an interested noise from the driver's seat. To show he was listening and Alex back peddled, unable to go through with it- "I have homework. I'm supposed to come up with a crisis plan and he wants us to talk about it. And to maybe keep it posted in different rooms in the house if everyone is okay with that. To remind me that I have other options when I'm freaking out."

Franklin also wanted him to print it out. To make a portable version of his coping box, to start putting together a backpack. Needed things that he would be able to use in classes if he began to freak out, to bring him back down to at least bearable levels. If Alex wanted, Ben was willing to write a letter on his behalf for disability services. That hadn't even been this sessions conversation- rather part of the one they'd had right when he got out of the hospital, not to mention when he'd called Alex at the hospital. Talked to him there.

It wouldn't be magic, but disability services might be able to do something for him- even if it wasn't much. Apparently, the school had a bad reputation about not budging on absences, but he could extra time on tests- get to take them in rooms by himself. That way he wouldn't have to worry about being overstimulated. Might be able to record classes, or get another student to write notes for him. That way so long as he showed up, no matter how bad he was feeling, no matter whether he did anything while there- it would count.

Trying to think about it all made him want to hyperventilate.


	156. Chapter 156

Alex and Madison were waiting for him when Aaron's class ended.

James gave half a salute before heading to class, and Aaron took his place on the bench they'd been sitting on. "What's the plan for today?"

"You take me home and give me nine million kisses?"

Somehow, Aaron didn't think that would give him time to do his homework, or get anything else that needed to be done- done. Which didn't stop him from putting his arm around Alex's shoulder and kissing his cheek. "Try again."

The sigh Alex gave him was just a touch overdramatic. "Fine. Two million kisses- There's no winning with you, is there?"

Aaron shook his head. "Nope. Now, what would you actually like to do today?"

"Laf said he still needs help cleaning his house." The fact that Alex was volunteering was more than a little shocking. "Which means you know John's dying to get out. We could always go get him and then he can give me two million kisses."

That sounded a lot more like Alex. "Mm, I don't think John will agree to that either. Why are you so set on getting millions of kisses?"

Alex puffed out his cheeks. "Can't a gay want to be showered in love and affection?"

"One, you're bi. Two, since when do you refer to yourself as your sexuality?" Not that it was completely unfamiliar, some of the people he'd known around the LGBT center had done the same. "And if that's what you need, we could always do chores around the house and I could tell you what a good boy you are."

If only jokingly, Alex would have usually jumped on that offer. Instead it earned Aaron a strange silence, Alex shifting, clearly uncomfortable. Because of what- Aaron wasn't sure. Wasn't sure what to say to make things better, either. 

Eventually, Alex glanced off. "What if I wasn't?"

"My good boy?" Alex nodded and Aaron sighed. "It's okay if you've done something wrong, I still love you. If you're struggling-"

If Alex was struggling, Aaron would be there. It didn't mean that Alex wasn't good, having mental health issues, even when they weren't convenient, didn't make Alex bad. Even if Alex made a mistake again, even if he slipped up. Being an addict, struggling to cope, didn't make him bad and Aaron would do everything in his power to make sure Alex knew that.

"It's not that." Yet, Alex still didn't look happy. Wouldn't stop plucking at his jeans. "What if-"

A deep breath. "What if I wasn't a boy?"

Oh.

Alex cringed, pushed himself up from the bench. "It's fine. I think Mads' class is-"

Just around the corner. Because he thought he needed to leave Aaron alone. That Aaron was upset that he'd even suggested it. "Alex-"

His boyfriend- no, his- Aaron didn't know what to call Alex, actually. Alex's arms were wrapped tight around his waist as he paused, looking trapped by the desire to stay and the desire to run away. Away from Aaron. Away from what was said. From whatever Aaron's reaction would be.

But Aaron wasn't upset- just didn't know what to say, or what to think. Vaguely he was aware of trans people. After all, that's what the T stood for in LGBT. Wasn't being quiet because he didn't want Alex to be- to be what? A girl? Or? Aaron patted the seat next to him again. "Talk to me. I don't- I'm not mad. I just don't know what to say without more information."

Alex still looked wary, body tense as he- as she- as they? sat back against the arm of the bench, eyes on Aaron. "I don't have more information."

"Okay." That was fine- maybe. It just made things more difficult. "Can I ask what brought the idea up?"

At least, what had made Alex feel so nervous about it. What had made it such a serious deal. After all, John called Alex his little girlfriend, and as long ago as it felt- Aaron did remember joking with Alex about if he wanted to be Aaron's good girl. The dresses had started, what? Four? Five months ago. Not that wearing a dress meant he wasn't a boy- had someone told him that? Had someone lashed out at Alex and Aaron not known?

"Maria." Aaron blinked, Maria had lashed out at Alex? Why- "She uh, brought up the possibility. That I might be- that I might not- that some people aren't boys or girls."

Some of the anxiety that had been building fled. No one had hurt Alex. Not intentionally. "That's true. Some people aren't."

"I know-" If this went on much longer, Alex was going to cry. Looked ready to already. But Aaron didn't feel comfortable trying to get the conversation moved elsewhere. "Actually, I don't know. I was going to say I know you're ace and don't care- but obviously, there's still orientation that goes with the romantic part and- I just- John's gay and Mads probably is too. I can't- I'm- I can't not be a boy."

Aaron stroked Alex's knee, doing his best to soothe while counting down from ten. Trying to collect his thoughts the best he could. "I do care. But only in the sense that this is important to you. If you want me to call you she/her and refer to you as a girl, I will. If you have something else you want me to call you- I will. I'm dating you, Alex. As a person."

Unfortunately, he couldn't actually speak for the others. "I'm not sure James has ever said his preference either way and we can't go off of past people because he lost his virginity to you. For all we know he's Mutt-sexual."

There was a joke there, but Alex didn't laugh. "John's going to hate me. He's going to think I lied to him."

"You can't lie to someone about something you aren't even sure about yet." Aaron sighed, fishing for something that might make Alex feel better. "I can't promise that John will want to sleep with you if you aren't a boy- but after everything you've been through? As loyal as John is? I'll be shocked if he's angry. Especially since he's called you his girlfriend before- and rather likes you in dresses if what I've heard is true."

If John got angry? Then Aaron didn't know him half as well as he thought he did. They'd come too far to be destroyed because of this.

Aaron squeezed the muscle beneath his fingers. "You don't have to tell anyone right now, but if you want to tell him? I'll be there if you want me to."

Alex didn't have to go through this alone. Any of it.


	157. Chapter 157

One step at a time.

One terrifying step at a time.

Mads had been easy enough. With Alex's permission, Aaron had asked him over dinner if he'd ever thought about dating a woman. It'd been a tense few moments, Alex bracing for impact until Madison shrugged. Said he wasn't sure what his type was, but he didn't think gender mattered that much. After all, Alex had been his first time getting feelings for a guy.

Enabled by a few shots that Aaron hadn't known about, Alex had bantered 'Or not' and almost caused Mads to spit out his drink. It'd gotten a rushed 'You know I do, right?' before Alex was able to try and explain. Found that after that initial joke, that it got a bit harder.

But it'd been fine. Reassured that Alex wasn't doubting their relationship, Mads had slumped back in his chair and said that they should get a way to signal how Alex was feeling. Of course, all the suggestions were jokes. A hat that had girl on one side and boy on the other. A necklace with pronouns. Alex could start wearing a name tag.

Name tag, because Alex needed to consider- if he went through with this- if Alex even fit him anymore.

And if him did.

Franklin had said he needed to try out different things. That he could still decide he was a boy after, but to try and be referred to as a girl and see how it fit. Or the more neutral version. According to Alex's reading, sometimes people used a mix of pronouns and others used they and them. He didn't really have an opinion on that yet, but he did think he'd keep his name. It was neutral enough, and more than that- it was his. Couldn't imagine going by anything else.

"You know-" Alex poked at the croissant on his plate- "How you refer to me as a girl sometimes? In French?"

Aaron had been there for Madison. But Alex had decided to do this one on his own. Wanted to work his way up to John. His boyfriend's, though slightly awkward, seemed more than willing to support him. John- Alex would understand if John didn't want him like that anymore. Didn't know what he'd do if John hated him. If he refused to talk to Alex. Or yelled at him.

Lafayette, on the other hand? Lafayette wasn't fucking him. Lafayette's sexuality wasn't on the line for being attracted to Alex and he'd seemed unwilling to commit to one in the past anyway. Muttered that Americans were obsessed with labels. Plus, he'd gone beyond John's girlfriend comments- which had mostly been-

With John those comments tended toward Alex's role when they slept together. Alex couldn't remember a time that it hadn't been sexual.

But Laf's gendering seemed to be softer. More fondness and light-hearted teasing. 

Lafayette hummed, acknowledging Alex's comment, a curious expression on his face. Waved one hand, as if to encourage Alex to go on. To explain. Alex ripped a tiny piece of the croissant off, shredding it with his fingers. Well aware that Laf probably considered it sacrilege. "Aaron and Mads might start doing that too. But not in French."

It took Lafayette a moment to connect the dots, and Alex sent his gratitude to France for the fact that he did it so quickly. "Shall I do so as well?"

"Just in front of them." Not John. Lafayette needed to understand that. John couldn't know, not yet. "Hercules can know? If you want to tell him."

That would save Alex from having to have the conversation again, and Alex was okay with Herc knowing. Herc was predictable, had the couple of things that he hated passionately, and seemed to be supportive away from that. The one good straight guy, Alex had joked freshman year.

Angelica- Aaron's friends from the women's center, they would probably be supportive too. Didn't know Alex well enough to have a stake in that aspect of his identity, and hopefully working so closely with the college's LGBT center meant they'd be cool about it. And if not? Alex didn't have to see them. Could put on a brave face if he needed to see them for Aaron's sake. After all, Aaron had done more for him.

Eliza. Alex was beginning to feel like he could trust her with anything. If he ever got abducted by aliens, she'd definitely be the first door he knocked on. Even if she didn't believe him, she'd be nice about it. Make sure that he was okay.

Lafayette's focus wasn't on who he could tell, though. "When will you be going shopping?"

Alex blinked. "What?"

"When will you be purchasing a fitting wardrobe?" Fitting wardrobe? What was wrong with his clothes? "If you are not going with your Aaron, I must insist you come with me. We will find you a proper tailor so that things fit as well."

That was another thing Lafayette had groused about before- 'Americans' and their disbelief in tailors. Nice clothes should never come straight off the hanger in Lafayette's opinion. "I like my wardrobe."

Sure, half of what he wore was actually Aaron and Mads' but what was wrong with that? Their clothes smelled like them and even Ben thought that familiar smells could be a sort of coping mechanism. A way to help Alex ground himself.

When Lafayette only raised an eyebrow, Alex huffed. "You just want to get me into a dress."

"Not at all. There is more to a feminine wardrobe than dresses. If you wished to stay with slacks and blouses, it is possible." Lafayette took a neat bite of his own bread, looking pleased with himself- as if pointing it out changed the fact that Laf had tried to get him in a dress more than once now. For what reason Alex didn't know, didn't want to think about too hard. "I only wish to get you in front of my camera again. My Laurens is denying me so, and yet he is also unhappy with too many strange people in the house."

"Have you even bothered to ask the girls?" There was so much good that Lafayette could do with his current fascination. Angelica could get couple's shots with her husband, Peggy and Hercules too. Eliza might not have the time, but Maria might enjoy it.

Not that Alex was protesting that much. Aaron had even mentioned being willing to do pictures with him sometime soon, and maybe, if everything kept going well with talking to people, he would let Laf buy him an outfit for those.


	158. Chapter 158

James stuck the poster board up on the fridge before turning around to look at him. "We should get one of those fridges you write on."

If the lease would let him buy appliances, Aaron would consider it. It was beginning to look a bit crowded, what with the whiteboard calendar, the magnetic shopping list notepad, and now Alex's new coping skill poster. It wasn't what Aaron had first expected when the idea had been pitched to him, but he found he rather liked it. A few small reminders at the top, but mostly it was organized by emotion. 

So far, they had one in the kitchen, bathroom, and Aaron's bedroom. Even though they didn't often have guests, Alex was resisting the idea of one in the living room. Seemed twitchy about putting them up at all. But they'd tried things the other way- right now? Right now they were going to do everything Theodosia and Ben suggested.

With the task at hand finished, Aaron ducked into the bedroom to grab the things they'd bought at the store. This hadn't been either of the therapist's idea and he hadn't run it by Alex- but he didn't think it would cause too much friction. Small boxes filled with things that could help in a panic for each room. 

"You going to write a letter to her?"

Maybe. It was something that they'd talked about, writing letters of reassurance to Alex. Which should have been easy, but without knowing what state that Alex would be in while reading it- Aaron didn't want to write the wrong thing. Didn't want to write that Alex was allowed to be sad when his partner was angry. Didn't want to reassure Alex that what happened didn't define who she was if Alex was upset at people pushing it under the rug. There were a thousand reasons why Alex might be upset, and trying to write just one letter-

Aaron didn't know if it was possible. Maybe he could do like the poster and write a couple of different ones. "Later. She should be home soon."

"What do you think she'll look like?"

To be honest, that was the least of Aaron's concern. Alex still hadn't talked to John, still seemed anxious about the idea, but she was letting Peggy and Lafayette play dress up with her. And it was going to get harder and harder to just claim it was experimentation. "James, we both know you know what a weave looks like."

Or rather, all the ways a weave could look like. Or was it a wig? For a split second, Aaron considered texting Angelica to ask the difference before deciding that it was none of his business. What mattered was that Peggy had suggested something that would let Alex have long hair again, and Alex had jumped on it. Would have done so even without the gender confusion most likely. 

James rolled his eyes at Aaron's blow off but let it go.

Not that it stopped him from being the first person to Alex when she walked through the door. Lafayette beamed at Aaron over their heads, looking particularly proud of himself. "It is removable, no damage to the hair beneath."

Wig then. Or at least, Aaron was pretty sure. Either way, it would take some getting used to. Surprisingly Alex had gone with a shorter style than he'd originally shaved off, and it had more of a wave than Aaron was used too. A little bit longer than chin length, with bangs that tucked behind the ear. When she looked up at Aaron, he smiled, reached out to run his fingers along it. "Cute."

"It can't be pulled." Alex's top concern, of course. "But the lady who helped make it said that once my hair grows out a little more, she can give me some that can. Not very hard, but she said kissing would be fine."

The fact that Alex had gone through the trouble of asking- "Never change."

"Not even into something more comfortable?" The wiggling eyebrows were a bit over the top, but Aaron leaned in for a kiss anyway.

Flipped Lafayette off behind Alex's back when the man let out an 'ooh-la-la' in response. Pulled back to make a face at him. "Are you still here for a reason?"

"Oh-" Alex rubbed at the back of her neck sheepishly- "That's my fault. I told him we might be able to take pictures today? He wants to drag us all to the park."

That probably explained the outfit change since Alex left the house that morning. She'd been wearing one of his button-downs and a pair of jeans, stood almost proud in a dark green dress, with a white cardigan and tights. The dress itself was cute, belt around the waist and a nice flared skirt. Alex had spent the last week or so googling different ways to look more feminine. Passing, she'd called it, though she wasn't sure she liked the term and it seemed like other trans people agreed with her.

If she was trans. A disclaimer that had been tacked onto far too many conversations lately. They'd agreed to try out 'girl' for the next week or so, though it was likely that Alex would go back to being called a boy over break. Especially if they went to the Madison's.

Something that seemed ever the more likely and that put more than a vague sense of anxiety in Aaron even though Alex had agreed to making it more of a 'Virginia' trip than a 'Meet James' parents trip.' From what Aaron understood, James had given his mother permission to talk to his father about the whole 'your son is dating a boy' thing- but they hadn't really talked since. Something James insisted wasn't that weird, and probably wasn't a sign that his father didn't approve.

He was just a momma's boy. That was all.

"I'll go get my jacket," Aaron said as he squeezed Alex's shoulder before heading back to their room. 

Pictures wasn't how he was originally planning to spend the afternoon, but if it'd make Alex happy, he guessed it wasn't that much of an imposition.


	159. Chapter 159

"You think you're coming back next semester?"

Thanksgiving was almost upon them, though it didn't sound like anyone was heading home. Herc's little household, plus Eliza, were headed to the beach for what would almost definitely still be a chilly holiday. Mads promised his mom that they'd be down for Christmas, but that heading home for four days wasn't really worth it. Not with final exams happening right after.

Aaron's head start on classes had been dwindling down to nothing lately, and their alone time lately had been more coexisting next to each other. Mads wasn't exactly in a better place- which meant a lot of boyfriends at the kitchen table working while Alex made dinner. Or them in the living room typing away, Alex with his head against one or the other's shoulder. Not that Alex was complaining, he remembered how stressful exams could be and final projects weren't any easier. 

But it also meant he was spending a healthy amount of time at Lafayette and John's. Lafayette took an extremely nonchalant stance when it came to exams, and John- John took the time throughout the semester to make sure he didn't have to panic. Time spent stuffing himself back into jeans and t-shirts, ignoring Lafayette's raised eyebrows. The gentle way he cooed 'ma petite' at Alex.

Being Aaron and Mads' girlfriend- it felt nice. But not complete.

Which only made talking about it harder.

No one was pressuring him- but Alex knew Aaron and Lafayette wanted him to get it over with. Aaron kept reassuring him that John loved him. Was his best friend. Wouldn't be angry even if he might be confused.

So Alex had dressed up. Gone to the house with every intention of talking about it.

Ended up with a tear in his hose instead, their feet dangling as they sat in one of the trees near the house. Alex plucked at the edge of the black skirt, trying to move it past his knees. "I think so. Franklin said he'll do his part, I just have to meet with the coordinator. Get the paperwork signed."

He'd been working up to this moment for six months. Six months. And yet- the weight on his chest felt heavier than ever. What if he didn't make it? What if the examiner said he hadn't learned enough- or brought up the recent hospitalization. What if they said that Alex couldn't come back?

What if they said he could?

What if Alex came back and started using again, what if he met another drug dealer- worse than the first? What if Jefferson came back too? What if-

"Good." John poked at his ribs. "Can't let that mind of yours go to waste. Gotta make something out of yourself, man. Prove all those fuckers wrong who thought we weren't worth shit."

John could make something of himself even if Alex didn't. Didn't have addiction weighing him down, and sure- he drank too much on occasion, but it wasn't- he could get better. And he was smart, smarter than people took him for. The transformation from the John he'd known in high school, to where they were now- John who was getting better at biting his tongue. John who knew he was worth more than his ability to take a punch. John who had learned coping skills that didn't involve going to therapy and talking for an hour once a week.

But Alex didn't say any of that. Just leaned into John as he murmured 'yeah.'

Exhausted. Alex was emotionally exhausted. Hadn't felt this tired when he went up in the tree, but everything felt heavy.

Something John caught onto, if his 'you okay?' meant anything.

When Alex didn't answer, John shifted, jumping down from his branch and making Alex ever so grateful that they'd picked a low hanging one. "I need to get Burr? You look like you're going to be sick."

"Scared." Didn't know why he said it, but it wasn't like it was a lie.

John frowned, head tilted up to look at Alex. "Of heights? Since when?"

"Of you." Wrong thing to say. John flinched back and Alex watched as his knuckles turned white from his grip on the tree branch. "You're going to hate me."

A statement that John didn't address immediately. "Please get down before you fall over."

It wasn't exactly reassurance that John wouldn't hate him, but Alex started to go down. After all, if John got mad- then Alex needed to leave not try and hide up a tree. Two strong hands reached up to grip his hips, to help lower him down slowly rather than letting him drop and Alex's heart dropped into his stomach when John used that to guide him backward. Didn't stop until Alex was wedged between him and the tree, unable to escape. "What'd you do? Fuck Lafayette? Because I really can't-"

Get mad about that considering John was fucking Alex. But also- no. No, he wasn't fucking Lafayette, but trust John to immediately jump to that conclusion. "Let me go."

"Why? Because you think I'm going to hit you?" There was a challenge there and it wasn't one Alex wanted to answer.

Struggled instead, disheartened to know that he really couldn't get out from under John's arm. "No. Because you aren't going to want to be near me."

John didn't let up, if anything, his brow furrowed further. "The fuck is this coming from? One minute we were fine and-"

From zero to one sixty. That's how quickly Alex's emotions had gone out of whack. Part of him, a very stupid and suicidal part of him, wanted to cross the line again. Say something he didn't mean if only to get John to let him go. "Get off."

"I'd rather get you off." Oh god, this must have been what Aaron felt like with Alex in the very beginning.

John probably wasn't even saying it because he meant it- just to diffuse the situation. A joke in Alex's favorite style of humor, but it only served to make him more upset. "No you wouldn't because you like guys and I'm not."

That time when Alex tried to stomp on his foot- John let him go. Stumbled back just far enough that Alex could duck out and run.

Which didn't mean jack shit because it wasn't as if Alex could drive and even though he made it back to the house before John did- Lafayette didn't seem that interested in taking him home. For the second time in far too short a period, Alex found himself stuck- this time by Lafayette holding him. Or hugging him- whatever he wanted to claim he was doing.

When John came in, it was with a muttered 'I need a drink' and Alex tried to wiggle away again, this time from Lafayette. Found himself stuck in place, listening as John fixed his drink. Liquor- if Alex was hearing right. That or John was putting his beer in a glass, which seemed a little out of character.

Behind him, a chair screeched, and Lafayette wrapped his fingers around Alex's biceps before putting space between them so that he could look at him. "Do I need to tie you up? I will tie you up."

Asshole. "I just want to go home."

Lafayette didn't budge. "Because you think John is mad at you."

"I want Aaron." Wanted to be anywhere but where he was.

"Because you think John is mad at you," Lafayette repeated. 

Alex jerked. "He's drinking, let me go."

It felt like he'd said that nine hundred times already. But Lafayette only walked him backward, turned Alex around so that he could force himself to sit, and found a glass shoved in his direction by John. "You trust me?"

That felt like a loaded question. But- "Yeah."

John snorted. "Doesn't feel like it. Not mad."

Alex turned over that over in his head. Settled for just repeating what was said, "Not mad."

"I-" John rubbed at his eyes. "I'm not mad. Will you come take a nap with me?"

A nap. Alex considered it for a moment before nodding. Didn't quite believe that John wasn't mad at him, but it would be a start.


	160. Chapter 160

At a cursory glance, one could almost miss that Alex was even on the bed.

John's body was curled around him, and Aaron waited a beat to double check that Alex could breathe. Turned away at that point, ignoring the way Lafayette still loomed, looking far too pleased with himself as he watched.

"And to think," Lafayette all but purred when he found Aaron in the kitchen. "You did not enjoy it when I called them my darling girl."

Them. They hadn't tried that one yet, and Aaron turned it over in his head. If it ended up being Alex's choice, it might take a little more effort to get used to- but it was doable. "You called for a reason?"

Beyond his evident delight that he could feminize Alex at will now. Maybe he'd eventually figure out that Aaron hadn't so much minded Alex being spoken about in the feminine, as he had the darling part. Part of Aaron hoped he wouldn't, even if they were getting along better these days- if Lafayette knew something was going to get under his skin, he'd probably use it to his own advantage. Or at least for his own amusement.

"Ma petite seems to have worked themselves into quite a state trying to tell my Laurens about what has been going on." Lafayette shrugged as he leaned against the counter. "I am not actually sure what all happened."

Obviously, he knew enough to text Aaron.

"They look like they're okay." Which was a good thing. Alex-

If John had gotten angry with them. If John hadn't accepted it. Aaron didn't know that everyone else believing Alex would have been enough.

Lafayette hummed. "I am not sure how well Alex explained themself, all things considered. But I also do not think that John will react as badly as Alex worried."

Aaron didn't think so either, but it didn't change the fact that Alex was worried. That Alex had said something, but was still willing to curl up with his best friend. That had to mean something, didn't it? Neither of them would want to be that close, that vulnerable, if things were that- they wouldn't be sleeping. There would be arguing or crying or tense silent. Something else. 

"I should go back home." Saying it didn't make him stand up. "Alex won't like that you texted me, and it isn't like we can claim that I came over here for a thrilling conversation."

They did well enough going out. Plays, art museums, the occasional movie. Anything that the act itself could be enjoyed in silence, and afterward they could focus on what they'd just experienced. The closest they usually came to a real conversation was chatting about Alex and John and whatever ridiculous thing their partners were into. Truth be told, Aaron liked it that way. Couldn't actually picture them becoming good friends, but this way- this way Alex didn't have to stress out and they weren't arguing.

One open hand sliding down his chest as Lafayette leaned over him from behind, reminded him of exactly why they would probably never be close. "We could always claim it is a hate sex arrangement, to relieve the tension? I might even allow you to pull my hair."

If Aaron thought he was being serious for one moment, he might be freaked out. Instead he just rolled his eyes, flushing slightly when John stuck his head in from the hallway. "Is it safe to come in or are you planning to bend over the kitchen table?"

Unsteady. Not quite in the physical sense, but he still looked just a touch unsettled and so Aaron let the question slide. Shrugged. "Actually, I was thinking of bending him over the stove."

That earned him a small smile followed by a snort. "Good luck with that one."

The 'I'd like to see you try' went unsaid. No, that would not be a fair fight- and Aaron had no doubts that Lafayette wouldn't bottom without one. To be contrary, Lafayette rubbed his cheek against the top of Aaron's head, fingers still spread, covering as much of Aaron's chest as possible. "For Little Burr? I might present myself willingly."

"Pretty sure that's the opposite of hate sex." Not that Aaron had a lot of experience there. "Usually involves lots of scratching and being slammed into flat surfaces if my sources are right. Possibly some name calling and biting."

John snorted again. "Sounds like plain old normal sex to me."

Of course it did, but hopefully, the two of them were working to fix that. The hand on Aaron's chest slid lower, Lafayette practically daring him to say something. Maybe if he weren't so used to Alex's antics, he would. At the moment, so long as the man didn't actually try to grab his dick or kiss him in any fashion- it wasn't worth the fuss to get him off. Not to mention that Lafayette would consider it winning.

"What sounds like sex-" Alex's voice came from the hallway, and when they appeared- Alex blinked. Once. Twice. Confusion all over their face. "You know- I've never thought about it before, but you two are kind of hot together. Eight out of ten, would let top me until I cried."

At least Alex's idea of them together involved Alex being the center of attention rather than watching. It made the comment just a little less disconcerting. Shook off Lafayette so that he could stand up and hug Alex close, humming when his lover nuzzled at his neck. "Good to see you're feeling better."

"I-" Okay, maybe not. Apparently this was 'ignore the elephant in the room to keep the peace' time. "Later. Please."

The last word came out desperate and uncertain, and over the top of Alex's head, John had gone back to looking uncomfortable. So they hadn't actually talked about anything further and Aaron didn't want to know what sort of mangled outburst Alex had managed. 

But distressing Alex by pushing the subject wasn't an option. Instead, he pulled Alex just a little closer, resting chin on shoulder. "Later. Now, are you ready to come home? I wanted to pick you up so that we could bring dinner home to James."

That was a good excuse as any, and it would be a nice surprise. Something to lighten the mood before trying to figure out where to go next.

When Alex nodded, Aaron kissed their forehead before waving a hand toward the door. Squeezed John's shoulder once Alex took the hint and headed for the car. When he couldn't come up wtih anything adequate to say, he chose to say nothing- but John seemed to get the message either way.

Hold on. Just a little longer. Things would make look up soon.


	161. Chapter 161

The hands on his hips were firm, mouth against his neck persistent- and yet- "Are you sure you don't mind? About me?"

Madison's laugh felt warm against his skin. "You want to talk?"

No. He wanted to let Mads' continue what he was doing. Wanted to disappear into skin on skin and comfort. Did his best to show that, reaching down to tug Mads' shirt over his head. Marveled at Mads' body, at the tone there, fingers tracing along his chest, stopping to thumb at a pert nipple. Hummed with pleasure at Madison's intake of breath. Focused on the soft skin, one hand slipping around to grip James' ass, the other kneading the bulge that'd been pressing against his stomach. Alex nipped at his lover's lower lip, dragging it back as far as he could before letting it go with a pop. 

Content so long as he was the one in control, the one doing. But the anxiety started to build again when Madison went to push down his skirt, forehead resting against Alex's as he tried to wiggle it down. Rather than helping, Alex leaned back- "I just- if you don't want me-"

A grumbled 'pretty sure I'm showing I do right now' later and Mads broke away to flop on the bed, dragging Alex by the hand with him. "Talk it is."

Except Mads' erection was still obvious through his jeans and fuck- Alex was a terrible partner. This wasn't even the first time that foreplay had been interrupted because Alex couldn't keep his anxiety in check. And considering their rocky start, Alex knew it must be frustrating for James. "Please let me get you off-"

"Mutt." Alex froze, midway to reaching for Mads' belt. "If you don't stop, I will handcuff you to the bed."

Normally, Alex would have rolled with that. Made a joke. But this was the first time he'd really done anything more than kiss since talking to everyone. "You don't have to stay with me-"

Madison rolled, naked torso pressed against Alex's tank top, head tucked into the crook of Alex's neck. "If you don't shut up, I'm taking a nap."

Why was everyone's solution to use him as a pillow? Pressure stimming. That was the word that Ben liked to use. Pressure stimming was usually nice, made him feel better. But it wasn't what he wanted right now. "Not helping."

"Neither is repeating myself." Mads lifted up slightly to look him in the eye. "If I wanted to break up- I would have. If I didn't want you- I wouldn't have pushed you against the wall when I came home from class."

Everyone could reassure him, they could validate him- but Alex had to look at what actually helped. Arguing with him that they cared when he got like this? Wasn't helping anyone.

That... That had been a hard conversation with Aaron. If Alex wanted validation? They could give that to him in spares. But when he sought it and then argued upon receiving it- all he was doing was reinforcing to himself that he couldn't trust when they were being nice. It was okay to not be sure if he was still sexually attractive, it was okay to not be sure of where he stood on the gender front-

But not to project his anxiety onto everyone else. Because it just ended up with everyone frustrated and upset. Alex, because the very thing he wanted was causing him additional distress, and them because they were doing as they were asked and it was hurting him. Left everyone feeling like there was no right thing to do. 

It wasn't fair to any of them. "Sorry."

Madison kissed his collar bone, gentle and quick. "s'okay. Want me to paint your nails?"

Little things. Much like with coping and staying sober, they were trying little things. Aaron's room currently housed a sort of portable wardrobe, this metal structure on wheels. The small amount of feminine clothes that Alex owned were hung up there. A small collection of accessories in a container on the bottom. A collection that seemed to be growing under Alex's eyes- neither Aaron or Madison mentioning when they bought them. 

When Alex remembered, he was supposed to write down his pronoun preference on the whiteboard. Pretty bubble letters at the top or- like today- a series of question marks. Because Alex didn't know. Didn't know he had a preference at the moment.

Ben had said it would be uncomfortable at first, that being uncomfortable didn't mean it was wrong. And so far, he'd been right. This- this gender exploration felt as scary as it felt freeing. But now that the door was open, he couldn't go back. Had to see this through to the end, figure out what it all meant. Hated that once easy things were so hard. "You sure you don't want to-"

Pick up where they'd left off- but no, the moment was ruined because Alex wouldn't stop freaking out. Maybe they would be able to resume later, but for the moment, he accepted the change in activity. "Will you?"

Mads kissed him again, this time on the lips, and rolled over off of him. "Yeah, but let's go outside. Don't want to give Aaron a headache while he's trying to work on his paper."

Alex allowed himself to be tugged to his feet before helping Madison look for his shirt. Leaned over his shoulder in the bathroom to help pick out the color for his nails.

Offered his hands willingly once they sat down on the front steps. "I turn myself over to your skilled hands."

Mads snorted slightly at that, carefully filing down Alex's nails. "If you're looking for skilled, you might want to chat up Peggy or Eliza. But I'll do in the meantime."

He'd more than do, and when it was done, Alex would do his best to show his gratitude.


	162. Chapter 162

It was weird how alike John and Alex could be.

For instance, if Aaron closed his eyes, he could pretend that the feet pressing into his thigh belong to his partner. With them open, it was impossible to ignore just who was trying to get his attention. "Yes?"

Not that there was any point in saying anything, John's face was hidden behind a book, and the soles of his feet pressed just a touch harder. For what reason, Aaron wasn't sure. John had come over after classes, grousing that Madison and Lafayette stole Alex. 

Holiday outfits. Alex couldn't meet James' parents without looking like a respectful adult, could he? James and Lafayette both had managed to convince him that he needed real adult clothing for the visit. Black slacks or khakis- something other than jeans. A button down or two that actually fit him instead of just stealing Aaron's. As much as Alex hated the idea, right beforehand he'd be getting a hair cut too. It would have grown out just enough to be shaggy, and a shape up would help it look intentional rather than the result of a panicked shave

What they were going to tell James' parents- Aaron didn't want to know. Obviously, his mother knew more than Aaron would prefer- but even to his father the fact that Alex would be on vacation with Aaron would probably come off as odd. 

All the more reason for Aaron and James to tie the knot in Alex's opinion. A joke that had earned Alex a shove from Madison when he suggested it and a mutter about how Alex needed to stop talking to his mother.

Whether or not he was actually talking to her, Aaron wasn't sure. But it was an interesting mental image.

Another jab. Aaron reached over to pinch John's calf. Tried not to smirk when the man jerked. "Fuck off."

Vulgar. "Stop digging your toes into me and I might."

Laurens considered him openly before pushing again, this time harder. Aaron gave him a pointed look before standing up and walking toward the kitchen. Because no, he couldn't be prodded into an argument, much less a physical fight. If John wanted something, he needed to ask with his words.

It took him a few seconds, but eventually John followed, jumping up on the counter to watch Aaron while he made a sandwich. Hesitated before putting away the mustard. "Would you like one too?" 

"Think they won't be back by dinner?" John asked, feet bouncing against the cabinets, rhythmically thudding.

Honestly, Aaron didn't know. Alex seemed to be less anxious about spending Lafayette's money than Aaron's. Probably something about the enthusiasm that Lafayette spent his with, and the knowledge that Lafayette didn't know the meaning of savings. Aaron spent his money carefully, even if he was willing to carry Alex for a while. If Alex wasn't around, he would probably spend less. On the other hand-

On the other hand, Lafayette had apparently bought four different cameras over the past month, not to mention split his basement into a workout studio and a photographer's studio. Entertained all his flights of fancy with the same sort of dive right in attitude, no need to wait to see how long it would last before buying the best. 

Ridiculous man.

So there was the matter of Lafayette's seemingly endless pockets, coupled with Madison's opinion on what would be 'meet the parents' approved, and the fact that it was apparently the first time Alex had gone shopping for 'boy' clothes since high school. Which meant if Lafayette had his way- Alex would have half a wardrobe by the time he came home.

With that information, John accepted the extended sandwich. "He always said he was lucky that he didn't have another growth spurt after sophomore year."

If Aaron remembered correctly, Alex still had a foster family back then. Still hadn't wanted to burden them with something as simple as the clothes he needed to put on his body. Sometimes it hurt to think about how long Alex had been tamping down his own needs. "Well, they're getting them now."

Aaron had meant it in the plural sense. The group was going to get them. But John mouthed the pronouns for a moment before shrugging. "I guess I need to get used to that, don't I?"

"Calling Alex different things?" John gave half a nod and Aaron sighed. "If you want to be a part of his life- yes."

Because there was no 'I respect you but not your gender' and anyone who thought so was lying to themselves. Aaron wouldn't allow anyone, not even John, to hurt Alex again, even if it wasn't a physical blow. This was going to take all of them some time to adapt, they were going to fuck up-

But there was a difference between making a mistake and refusing to listen to what Alex said.

Thankfully John didn't argue. Just chewed for a long time. Made a face when he realized Aaron was looking at him. "Wish everyone would stop thinking I'm going to freak."

"I didn't say you were." But someone not accepting Alex was always a risk. "I'm glad you're not."

John snorted. "Good. Cause you're kind of stuck with us?"

A statement that filled Aaron with a ridiculous kind of fondness. Not enough to stop him for teasing John, however. "Does it have to be both of you? You could always come stay with us- Lafayette could be-"

"Right behind you."

Aaron jerked, rolled his eyes when John laughed. "Not funny."

John grinned. "Just sayin. He might have been. And don't you know if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all."

"I'm just saying I don't know what you see in him." Aaron rubbed at his eyes before leaning against the counter near John's legs, no longer willing to risk that someone might appear in the doorway without him hearing. "At all."

"Really?" John sounded awfully curious, considering the fact that Lafayette and Aaron's feelings for each other were well documented. "Cause I seem to remember Alex saying something about you thinking Lafayette was hot."

Aaron groaned. "I'm pretty sure even when I said that, it was accompanied by my disbelief that anyone would put up with him as a person."

One day- one day Aaron would have a conversation with his partner about Need To Know information. Not that it would do him any good. Alex would say what he wanted, and Aaron just had to accept that things he said would be shared without context if it amused Alex to do so.

Oh, the choices he'd made.


	163. Chapter 163

"You sure 'bout this?"

The fact that John was the one asking, John who followed his impulses without a second question- well, it should have concerned Alex.

But the ball was already in motion and there was no turning back. "You could have asked that any time in the last hour if you wanted."

Or the two hours before that, when John was busy doing his part in Alex's possibly terrible decision. Or when they were on the way, or walking into the place, or the thirty minutes that they waited in the lobby. While the man was applying the design to him or talking to him about the process. There had been plenty of time to talk Alex in and out and in and out and in and out of getting this done. An endless cycle of should or shouldn'ts. 

Maybe that's why John had waited till the literal last second, so that Alex couldn't overthink it. Just jump out of the chair and go without talking himself back into it. 

But he couldn't. Because John had _asked_ today. They'd met for lunch and while it hadn't been the first words out of his mouth, they'd come out- was Alex a girl? Did he want John to call him that. And he'd listened to Alex's ham-fisted explanation of not a girl, not a boy. Chewed on it and his sandwich before telling Alex to let him know when he had a preference for pronouns.

Sure, John seemed relieved when Alex said it was fine to think of him as a boy for the day, but it was something. 

John had _asked_ and it meant so much to him. John wasn't angry and he wasn't upset and while it didn't seem he really understood, he wasn't ignoring the issue either. Had been willing to bring it up first instead of waiting to see if Alex would let him forget about it. John had asked for his pronouns and Alex, Alex was riding on cloud nine because of it. Hadn't hesitated to bring their mouths together to show him just how much.

John had also suggested their current act. Half joking when Alex jerked his shirt back down from where it'd slid up during the kiss.

If the scars bothered Alex so much, why not get them covered. 

Permanently.

Hadn't Alex liked the flowers John drew on his chest? Though the design was expanded now. Filled out and winding. It would take a couple of sessions, the tattoo artist had warned and more money than Alex even wanted to think about. Wasn't allowed to hear, actually. A gift from Lafayette, for favors to be discussed at a later date. The man had leered when he said it, gotten a swift kick in the shin from John, and redacted his comment. Said that their most recent arrangement was still in place, if Alex wished to pay him back. 

If they kept this up, Lafayette would be able to create a magazine out of nothing but pictures of Alex.

Not that Alex minded, especially if the scars would be gone forever. If Alex could wear John's artwork on him forever. If he were being honest, the idea of a picture series documenting the process kind of excited him. Today he was getting the outline done on his chest and hip. Next would come color and shading, possibly in two sessions. John had mentioned wrapping it around his back and side, if Alex wanted. turning his entire torso into a garden.

Alex rather liked the idea of that. Of a visual of all the growth he'd experienced in the last few months.

John's fingers wove with his, giving him something to squeeze as the tattoo artist approached the table. 

The pain itself- Alex could live with it. Especially with John right there, reminding him that he'd been through worse. That he could take more. No need to tap out. But also gripping Alex's hand, a grounding bond. They were here. In the moment and all Alex had to do was make it through the next few hours.

It turned out to be the middle that hurt the worst, needle pressing into his sternum, that and the collar bones. Almost ticklish, stinging sensation turning into an ache. Ryan, their tattoo artist, sat down the gun for a moment so that Alex could collect himself. Tried his best not to laugh when the man went over a breathing exercise that Madison would be proud of. 

Madison who had no idea that Alex was altering his physical appearance again.

Neither did Aaron. Alex felt pretty confident that neither of them would have tried to talk him out of it, and that neither would be upset that Alex talked to his friends rather than them about it. But it was a passing thought.

"Hey." Alex twisted his head to look at John after he laid back down. "You should get my phone out of my jacket and take a picture to send to Aaron."

John snorted, but did as he was asked, only shoving the phone back in his pocket when it became obvious that the artist was about to begin again. "Sent one to the other one too."

The other one. The fact that John had been the one to choose to send it to Mads at all warmed Alex's heart. Something that he couldn't focus on for long, body tensing beneath the needle.

It hadn't been that bad at first. Ryan apologized while he wiped away some of the blood, explaining that the skin was already tender and unfortunately the pain wouldn't really get better in that area. But that they could stop at any time if Alex needed to- either for a break or for the session.

But no, Alex wanted to make sure that when he walked out, that it would be with the outline done. That way, if he chickened out and decided to never get it filled in, it would still look like a finished piece.

The whole thing took a little over two hours, and by the end he was riding what felt like an adrenaline high. Couldn't stop himself from joking about maybe getting the color done then, though John had an easy enough time convincing him that it was time to go and get something to eat.

To show off his new artwork to his boyfriends and see what they had to say in person.

But first-

First there was one last thing John wanted to do.


	164. Chapter 164

It was entirely too cold for Alex to be walking into the house with nothing more than an unzipped jacket covering him.

Even knowing the gist of what laid beneath the gauze, there was a momentary panic that accompanied the familiar sight. Alex all covered in bandages had never been on his own choice before, not like this.

But back then, nudity never came with a smile. Even if Aaron wasn't a particular fan of ink, the look of accomplishment on Alex's face would have been enough to make up for it. The man practically beamed as John helped him out of the jacket and started removing the tape hiding their most recent misadventure.

"You added more flowers." James' comment didn't make a large amount of sense to Aaron, but John nodded.

Ghosted his fingers along the top of Alex's left pec. "It'll be all blues and purples when it's colored."

Aaron could see it. The colors blossoming across Alex's chest where there had once been shame and anxiety. 

Still, he was glad that John had sent him the picture. It'd given Aaron and James time to talk it over. Work out any qualms, though the 'this is permanent' and 'what if they change their mind?' before Alex came home. They'd even mounted their plan of action, Aaron hanging out on the couch with his laptop. Originally James had been in the chair across the way, but had taken to fidgeting the last ten or so minutes. Currently was sitting on the arm of the couch, Aaron's shoulder against his thigh.

Both of them completely prepared for Alex waltzing in the door looking like he'd just left a fight.

Except-

The photos didn't prepare him for the flashes of silver. Noticed first through the thicket of curls on John's head, but they drew Aaron's eye to the matching rings through the bottom of Alex's ears.

Children. Absolute children. "I see John got some adornments as well."

Alex reached up to tuck the hair behind John's left ear, revealing that not only were there now hoops through his lobes but one up top too. Skin still slightly pink from having the needle put through. In contrast to the ones that Alex was sporting, they were thicker. Gauged. "Figured he couldn't be the only one squirming today."

Something about Alex's grin made the innocuous statement sound dirty, and Madison caught it too. Snorted as he leaned against the arm of the couch, body close enough to radiate heat. "I'm sure if Alex wanted you squirming, there were other ways to accomplish that. But it's cute that you match."

Aaron almost wondered what Lafayette would have to say about the matter. He knew the man had earrings of his own, but Lafayette also appeared to have a possessive streak about five miles long and here was Alex with his boyfriend's artwork on him.

If they weren't careful, John was going to show up after Christmas break with a tattoo of Laf's family crest on his hip- and that was if the man was feeling discrete. Otherwise, Aaron didn't doubt he'd be thrilled to mark John's chest in a similar fashion. Declaring for everyone who saw just who John was dating.

"Much rather make you squirm-" Aaron leaned back to avoid having Alex's crotch in his face, lip twitching with amusement at the hand casually between James' legs while he leaned in for a kiss. "But unfortunately, I need to be gentle with my body for a bit."

There were plenty of positions that could work. No good reason that Alex couldn't ride James, or fuck him doggy style. Plenty of ways they could work it out with Alex on either end- but that wasn't the point and Aaron wasn't going to ruin their moment.

John didn't have any similar qualms. Gagged vocally until Alex pulled away. "If you're going to-"

"You could always join them." Aaron stroked Alex's side before shrugging. "I have a final bit of test prep I could do if you all want to move this to the bedroom?"

For a moment, Aaron expected John to go with it. But instead, he shook his head. "Nah, you're probably right. Y'all still planning on coming over for Thanksgiving?"

Petulant, Alex flopped across Aaron's lap. Something that proved to be a bad move when his lover cringed- the act pulling at tender skin. Aaron poked his rear end in reprimand. "Considering if we don't go, your boyfriend is only going to drive it over here- yes."

Turkey on Thursday. Three days of rest and then three days of exams. For Aaron at least. James apparently had one Friday morning, something that had garnered a ridiculous amount of grousing. He'd done his best to avoid morning classes and Friday classes, and they had to throw it in his face by scheduling his exam for the literal last day.

Alex huffed. "Stop acting like Laf's the worst. You two have been doing so well."

True. But it didn't change the fact that Lafayette was a pest that didn't understand that they might not want to spend the holiday with him. The man was French- why did he even need to celebrate Thanksgiving?

James reached out to mess up Alex's hair, or at least ruffle it. "Don't worry. Mommy and Daddy still love each other, they just have their differences sometimes."

Asshole. "As long as I'm still Daddy."

There were many things he was willing to do for love, being mommy wasn't one of them. 

From his place in the middle of the living room, John coughed loudly. "Well then. Gonna go on that note. Don't forget to lube him up."

Lube?

Confusion must have shown on Aaron's face because Alex groaned once the door shut. "Sorry, he was making sex jokes the entire way here. I just need to make sure I keep lotion on that tattoo for a while. It'll help it heal easier."

That Aaron could do.


	165. Chapter 165

Alex bounced on his toes. It'd been two hours since he'd gotten back from grocery shopping and both Aaron and James had their noses in books. He'd tried watching TV, tried looking up youtube videos on how to make origami frogs, but nothing was keeping his attention. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help with exam week?"

Thanksgiving had been nice. Despite being at Lafayette's, it'd gone pretty smoothly. James and John worked together in the kitchen, with little sniping. Though that might have been because Alex was right there with them. Aaron had also suggested that John might be feeling more secure. That the more secure he felt, the less he would be bothered by the fact that Alex chose to date people that weren't him.

After dinner, they'd curled up in the living room to watch one last film for Aaron and Laf's class. Alex had fallen asleep tucked between Aaron and John, only woken up when John toted him to bed, an amused James and Aaron following behind.

The only problem was that after Thanksgiving was exams. Exams that Alex wasn't taking, didn't need to prepare for personally. Could only fret while his boyfriends and friends buried themselves even further into their studies.

"It'll be okay." Aaron didn't bother looking up from his textbook. "Why don't you make us those weird egg cup things? A nutritious breakfast before exams is important."

That might have been useful if Alex hadn't of done that already. He'd also put together ziplock bags with prepped meals in them, all ready to be dumped into a frying pan or crockpot. There was a cup of mechanical pencils on the kitchen table, mixed in with highlighters and next to the sticky notes. 

Aaron sighed and Alex cringed. Pestering Aaron wasn't making things easier for him. "Alex-"

"Sorry." He didn't need to be chided. "I'll go pack for vacation."

Vacation. They'd be leaving the same day as Mads, but wouldn't join him at his parents until two days later. Mrs. Madison was delighted, had already sent ahead, wanting to know what Alex and Aaron liked to eat. If there was anything that she could do to make their time easier. Alex would be spending a night or two over there, without Aaron. She'd offered him a bed as well, but Aaron had turned it down. Mentioned that it would be nice to have a chance to go Christmas shopping, didn't want to risk Mr. Madison growing suspicious.

Meeting Mads' parents was vaguely terrifying. Aaron had already reassured him that unless they got married, Alex would never need to meet his grandparents. Which meant this would hopefully be his last parent meeting. Didn't want to consider that he'd ever break up with either of them. Didn't know that he could juggle three boyfriends and John. 

So it was all the more important that he got this right. 

On the other hand, the idea of meeting Mads' siblings was exciting. Mads already said that he could help braid his sister's hair, and getting to see the people that had helped shaped James so much- well, it was cool. Looked forward to baking cookies with them or watching movies. Had already told Mads that they should offer to watch the kids so that his parents could have a date. Or go shopping like Aaron. 

Alex flicks through the shirts in Aaron's closet before throwing a couple of long sleeve ones in the suitcase on the bed. Considered his rack of dresses for a moment before carefully folding two. No way he would wear them when with James' parents, but that didn't mean he couldn't wear them around the hotel room.

Just as Alex was ruffling through the dresser Mads flopped on the bed. "If I look at any more numbers my brain is going to melt."

"New subject or are you done for the night?" Because that was Aaron's strategy. Kept one classes' books in the kitchen, another in the living room so that he could move freely between them. Stretch his legs and give his brain a chance to switch gears.

Mads rolled on his side to look at Alex. "Done for a while. Want to distract me?"

That Alex could do. Climbed on top of James, knees on either side of his hips. Reached behind him to tug his shirt over his head, pausing midway when James spoke up. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

Because they didn't have to. Because Alex could keep his shirt on, could change into a dress if he wanted to. The way they'd been doing things. At least most of the time. They'd ventured to complete nudity on occasion. But it was always a task. Something that they worked up to, with lots of soothing and cooing along the way. Never with the lights on.

Alex considered it for a moment before tugging it the rest of the way off. Wrapped his fingers around James' wrists so that Alex could tug his hands up to the tattoo. The scars would always be there. Alex didn't doubt that they could be felt, raised edges that would always remind him of what had happened. But they weren't visible anymore. Weren't there to be seen or gawked at, didn't inspire a sense of pity.

For the first time in over six months, Alex's chest was beautiful. He had no reason to be ashamed. It would take a little while to convince himself of that fully, but Alex didn't have a single doubt that his partners wouldn't be there with him every step of the way.

Leaned down, completely defeating the purpose of having James touch him there so that he could press their lips together instead. If James wanted to be distracted for a little bit, then Alex was going to do his best to make it the best thirty minutes of his life. With or without the lights on.

And if Aaron heard the noises and decided to join them? Well, all the better.


	166. Chapter 166

Aaron sighed, pressing his forehead into the steering wheel, grateful for the red light. "Alex, it'll be fine."

"What if they don't like me?" Alex asked for the nine thousandth time. "What if Mads' dad doesn't actually accept him and is just waiting to kick him out over Christmas so that it will be more devastating? What if Mads' dad doesn't like that I call him Mads or he slips up and calls me Mutt and his parents thinks he has a dog fetish?"

Beeping from behind him made Aaron jerk his head up and hit the gas. "James' mother would never allow that. Besides, they have gay relatives, even if their son being gay was a bit of a shock, it isn't a completely foreign idea. And I'm sure his parents are familiar with pet names."

None of which was a comfort to Alex. Aaron resisted the urge to reach over, to try and hold his boyfriend's hand, well aware it would only make him more anxious. "You're having spiraling thoughts. What would Franklin tell you to do?"

Take a deep breath. Aaron listened with one ear as Alex did some weird math problem. Muttered something about texting Mads, displeased that they had to drive down separately. But it would have been weird if Aaron drove James' car to the hotel, and it wasn't as if he could leave them stranded in a strange city and Aaron couldn't justify getting a rental just because Alex wanted to drive down together. 

Tried not to smile when Alex changed directions. "You know, the last time we went on vacation was pretty nice."

The last time they'd gone on vacation they'd started dating. Didn't quite kiss, though Alex certainly toed the line as far as he was able. 

This time Alex could have as many kisses as he wanted while they were in the hotel. Though, much like last time, they couldn't risk holding hands or anything else while in public. Less because of fears of homophobia and more because they wouldn't want it to get back to Madison's dad. The gay factor was probably enough for the moment, without also finding out that his son's boyfriend was poly. Didn't always go by boyfriend.

Soon. They'd cross that bridge eventually. At least James had stopped acting like he was a backup plan, something to be dropped the moment Alex had less time. But they'd all decided the rest was better to broach later. Maybe over the summer.

Because if they were still dating, James wanted Alex to come home with him. If only for a week or two.

If all went well with the spring semester, Alex would probably be doing summer classes, but he wouldn't have to jump right into them. 

"You know-" Something about Alex's tone let Aaron know that he was going to regret this- "Last time we played a game. With moonshine. And you blindfolded me for a bit. We could play another one."

"I'm pretty sure we already know all there is to know about one another." Because that had been the point last time. Or it had been on Aaron's side. On Alex's side, it'd been all about trying to get Aaron to admit he had sexual preferences. Preferably ones that involved Alex.

Alex bounced in his seat, just as determined as he had been that night. "We could play a different game. Maybe with Mads? I don't think his parents would be too suspicious if he left with us a few hours. Especially if it were during the day."

"Do you ever think about anything that isn't sex?" That wasn't nice. Alex had a bright mind when he wanted to, but without classes and papers and arguing with people to distract him, sex did seem to be his go to. "I thought we could have a nice, relaxing vacation. After all, you're all set to go back to school in January. Don't you want to rest before that?"

Alex had been resting for months. Didn't fail to remind Aaron of that. Six months of nothing by therapy and trying to fix his friendships, rebuild his relationships. 

So Aaron focused on himself. "I haven't been free the last six months. Two weeks ago was hell week and then I had exams. I just want some peace and quiet, okay? For a little bit."

Meeting James' parents, especially with his mother knowing about their relationship, was going to be exciting enough. Maybe after they'd been there a week or so, James would be free to travel with his boyfriend. They could go a little further south, check out Georgia or one of the Carolinas. The beaches were probably freezing this time of year, but at least they'd be pretty. 

A nice change of pace.

"I promise," Aaron murmured after Alex fell oddly silent. "We will do something just for you."

There was already one surprise planned. John and Lafayette wouldn't be joining them for an entire month, but were planning to come by after Christmas. John it seemed, however grudgingly, had given into Lafayette's pestering to visit France with him. Not to meet the parents, but to enjoy themselves. What had been offered in return, Aaron didn't want to know. The only part of the arrangement that John seemed pleased with was the fact that it meant being thousands of miles away from his father for the Holiday. No unpleasant reminders or triggers that he might accidentally stumble upon.

Either way, they were spending Christmas in France. Flying back to an airport in Virginia for the New Year.

"I just want us to have a nice time." Alex plucked at the sleeve of the hoodie he'd stolen from James. "You're right- I'm going back to school, and last time I was in classes I was kind of a jerk to everyone."

"Last time you were in classes you were using." It was important that Alex made that distinction. He'd been using and now he was sober and they were going to be okay. "It'll just mean that we eat more meals on campus and spend more time studying together instead of watching TV. Hercules will still have his parties, and everyone managed to go to those despite being in classes. You'll be able to do the same. If we need to, we'll go back to scheduling date nights to make sure that we have quality time."

Alex relaxed a notch, nodding to himself. "Okay. We can do this."

There would be an adjustment period, sure- but Aaron didn't doubt for a second that it was true. They were going to make it through next semester just fine.


	167. Chapter 167

The person looking back at him in the mirror was unfamiliar. 

Aaron had helped him gel down what little hair had grown back, taming the pieces toward the back that still wanted to point straight up. It was the first time since Lafayette taken him to get wigs that he'd seen himself without one. Wanted to wear one, but they were all too feminine. Too long or curly. Not being his own hair made it hard to justify. The hoops in the bottom of his ear were small, too soon to take them out. Aaron had reassured him that it was fine. Plenty of men had their ears pierced, and besides, it wasn't as if he was trying to pass for straight.

The dark green button-down felt stuffy and Alex smoothed his fingers down the middle. Tried not to feel self-conscious about the little pudge there. 

"If you keep fretting-" Alex jumped, startled by how close Aaron had gotten without him realizing- "We're going to be late."

Late. To meet James' parents and see Mads again for the first time since they'd gotten there. "I just don't understand why we had to wait a few days."

Not that they'd been bad days. Just boring ones. He'd been doing his best to respect the fact that Aaron needed time to unwind, hadn't demanded that they do anything. Curled up on the sofa with Aaron to watch TV, slept in and still managed to bring Aaron breakfast in bed. They'd left a little bit in the afternoons, found restaurants to amuse themselves at for dinner. 

"Alright, to the car we go, pretty boy." Aaron tugged on his forearm. "Nothing it going to change about your appearance in the next five minutes. You look sharp, James' mom is going to love you no matter what- and so long as you keep the sex jokes to a minimum, James' dad probably will like you."

Sex jokes to a minimum. Got it.

The Madison's were both bigger than Alex expected, especially considering Mads was around Alex's height. Mr. Madison, while slim, had to be over six foot, and he squeezed Alex's hand when he shook it. Welcomed him to Virginia and apologized for how long the trip must have been. Mrs. Madison was a little taller than James but heavy set, with a body that Alex sank into when she tugged him into a hug instead of shaking his hand.

"Now you call me Nelly now, you hear?" Alex nodded, unsure if he was supposed to try and break away from the hug yet. Felt relieved that at least she wasn't being awkward. "James has told me so much about you, it's a blessing to finally put a face to the stories."

"Mama," Mads groaned once he walked down the stairs, and Alex smiled up at him from his spot at her shoulder. "Please don't embarrass me."

With a pat on the back, Nelly let him go. Turned to smile at Aaron instead. "And you must be the roommate. I have to say, it was awfully nice of you offer my boy your spare room. He was in quite a tizzy at the end of last year, what with that Jefferson fellow deciding to transfer. For the better, mind you, I always thought that boy was trouble."

Transferred. That was one way to tell the story. Vaguely Alex wondered if Mads had talked about him before they started dating. How that story went, with it's carefully edited details. But this wasn't' the time to get upset himself thinking about those things.

"Mrs. Madison-" Aaron corrected himself on command- "Nelly. It's so nice to meet you and might I add that you have a lovely home?"

Nelly beamed. Mads shared a look with him, a quiet exasperation while his mama nattered on about how proud she was of her Jimmy and how hard he'd worked to provide them with such a nice house and such a nice family.

Family. Because it wasn't just Mads. When Alex scanned the room to see if he could spot the little ones, Mads interrupted his mother to tell her that he was going to introduce Alex to the rest of the crew. Nelly told them to have a nice time, while Jimmy added that there shouldn't be any closed doors. As if they were sneaking away for a quicky, not going through the whole introducing process.

Which meant them going upstairs, Alex fiddling with his sleeves the whole time before just shoving them to his elbows. Did his best to smile brightly as they entered some sort of living room type space, filled with bodies. Whether they'd purposely gathered around because of Alex visiting, or they usually hung out together, Alex wasn't sure.

"My oldest brother, Francis, isn't here. Vacationing with his girlfriend for a week or so before coming down for Christmas." Francis, right. That was the one who was college age. Alex vaguely remembered Mads' fear that he'd end up at the same school. "But that-" Mads pointed at his brother chilling on the couch playing video games. "Is Ambrose. He's just about finished with high school."

High school. Even sitting down Alex knew he'd tower over them. In fact, Mads seemed to be the smallest of his siblings, with the exception of the actual children. Ambrose waved, a half-hearted gesture considering he didn't look up from what he was doing.

"Cat-" the boy watching Ambrose play looked up, and when he noticed that someone new was in the house, he pushed himself off the couch and headed over. At least he only seemed to be an inch taller than Alex, and when he shook his hand, it was looser than the way their father had. "He's about to go into high school. Hoping to play football."

Ambrose snorted at that, completely oblivious to the look Mads shot him.

James glanced around before pointing toward the window. "The girl you see over there is my little sister, she's named after mama but everyone calls her Ellie."

After Ellie came Will who was in Elementary school and really wanted to show Alex this cool trick he learned in science class. Mads promised that they'd go outside a little later for that. Which left only the smallest girl. Sarah.

"Lizzie's sleeping," Sarah confided in him when he bent down to talk to her.

Lizzie. Meaning there was another sibling. Of course, Mads had talked about his numerous siblings before, even shown him pictures, but it hadn't really struck him until that moment. Mads scratched at the back of his head awkwardly when Alex looked up at him in wonder. "We're all about two years apart? 'Cept Sarah and Lizzie. Lizzie's only three."

"Mama likes being a mama too much is what he means," James muttered, shaking his head. "Couldn't even let the nest get empty before she had empty nest syndrome."

The comment earned him an elbow in the side from Ambrose, and a comment about respecting their mother followed by one about not being a dick in front of guests. Not that Alex minded, he was only a stranger.

Sarah poked him in the side and Alex redirected his attention to her. "Are you really Jimmy's girlfriend?"

Jimmy? That was a new one. Made Alex wonder if anyone in middle school had ever teased Mads by calling him slim Jim. 

Ambrose spoke up. "Boyfriend. He's a boy." Sort of. They weren't getting into that. "But yes, they're like Francis and Amy."

Sarah wrinkled her nose and Alex prepared himself for the worst. Maybe the older ones had just been ignoring it up until then- but children? Children never failed to state their mind. But Sarah didn't seem to care about his gender, just the dating part. "Francis and Amy kiss and it's gross. Y'all aren't going to kiss, are you?"

Not within a mile of the Madison family they weren't-

Or, at least, that's what Alex thought. Froze when Mads leaned in for a quick peck before picking up his protesting little sister and spinning her around. "You're just going to have to get used to everyone being gross. Before you know it Ambrose and James will be bringing home girls too. Who knows, you might do it yourself one day."

"Better a girl than a boy," Sarah said nodding her head as if it were some sage piece of wisdom. "Boys are gross."

That they were.


	168. Chapter 168

"So," Aaron glanced over to James in the driver seat. "Your family."

A brief weekend away was all that they'd managed to convince Nelly to give James up for. Especially because they were short one of the boys. But that was okay, a weekend was enough. A good chance to go somewhere where Alex and Aaron didn't have to worry about standing too close for too long. 

Not that it'd been too much of an issue so far. Aaron had spent most of his time either with the group as a collective, or when things broke up he'd been with James' parents whereas Alex hung out with the kids, James floating between the two of them. Hanging out with his roommate's parents was weird, but Nelly was nice enough. Mr. Madison had a practical demeanor that reminded him of a less judgy version of his own grandfather. Whereas the Preacher has the right path, Mr. Madison had advice.

About everything. Some of it more valid than others. But at least he didn't immediately balk when Aaron mentioned going to grad school to be a librarian. Thought it was a noble cause, helping people and no one ever helped anyone more than a good librarian. Instilling knowledge in the people was important.

Not that they weren't proud of James' choice to go into accounting. Good strong career path.

Unfortunately, Aaron hadn't been able to answer about Alex's plans. Something that had to seem strange considering Alex should have been halfway through his sophomore year, but they didn't know how life had come to a halt. Every story had to be carefully stepped around to avoid the fact that Alex and Aaron started dating months before James and Alex did. 

At least when Mr. Madison was around.

When he'd gone to work? That was an entirely different story. Nelly had been delighted to have the obstruction out of the way, though she was careful not to say anything around the kids. Dragged Aaron to the kitchen to let him know that she supported them all, even if he wouldn't make an honest of her son. She'd been doing her reading, about all the different ways such relationships could take form and was delighted he felt safe enough to visit the home even if they weren't ready to come out completely yet.

And well, if her husband had anything to say against it, she would have a word with him. Aaron was always welcome in their home, as was Alex.

It took him a while to respond, possibly because Aaron hadn't actually asked a question, but James finally spoke up. "Sorry. They're a bit much."

"You look-"

Aaron dropped it, unsure it was appropriate to say. Unfortunately, he'd said enough for James to catch his drift. "I was a premie. Stayed pretty sick as a child."

And as an adult. Sometimes during the winter Aaron felt like you could look at James wrong and he'd catch a cold. "Sorry, I was just expecting your parents to be shorter."

"They're nice, though," Alex's voice sounded from the back, heavy with sleep. "I like Nelly. She gave me her cell phone number so that I can text her."

Pandora's box, according to James. But Alex didn't seem too put out by the idea of talking to Madison's mom on a weekly basis. Seemed pleased with the notion, actually. That someone accepted him that much, that they would want to keep in contact with him. Look after him. 

A little high that Alex didn't come down from even as they checked into the hotel. Huffed when he saw the two queen beds.

James wrapped an arm around his waist. "We will make a pallet on the floor if you'd rather us all sleep together."

"It'll be a tight squeeze, but I think we'll do fine." And if not, Aaron would probably be the one falling off the bed considering the other two slept. "But I was thinking we could figure that out later? Maybe check out the boardwalk?"

Alex glanced toward the door, plucking at his shirt. "You mind if I change?"

Something about the look on his face had Aaron doubting he meant into something warmer. It was a risk, going out like that not knowing the lay of the land, but it wasn't Aaron's risk to manage. "Whatever makes you happy."

Happy was a brown dress. Nothing flashy, especially with the white cardigan and tumbling curls he came out of the bathroom with. 

Aaron was just about to make a comment about Lafayette doing a good job when James asked the awkward pronoun question. Alex laughed, plucking the strap of the dress with one hand. "I uh, think Sarah had it right. About the girlfriend thing."

"You know we can tell them, right?" James shoved his hands in his pockets, but his smile was an attempt at being confident. "They'll understand. I'll make them understand."

But Alex shook her head. 

Not ready yet. Which was completely understandable. They didn't need to think about all that, though. Aaron tugged on his jacket, less because he was cold and more because he wanted it just in case Alex's didn't hold up to the wind.

The boardwalk was nice. Hanging out at the beach, even considering the season, even better. No peering eyes looking a little too hard at them, just the waves and salt air. They huddled together near the pier, trading stories about Christmas.

Aaron's family had always been small, respectable. More about the religious aspect than anything else. But James' had been as big as his family. Even if there wasn't always money for big presents, there was food and family. 

Alex straddled the line of rapture over their tales and silent about her own experiences. The Stephens, from what Aaron had gathered over the past year, were good people. They just hadn't been Alex's. And even if she denied it, Aaron knew that being a part of something meant a lot to her.

James' hand was warm against his back, the other man wiggling closer so that Alex was wedged between them. "Don't worry," James murmured, head on Alex's shoulder. "You'll love it. Plenty of movies with the little ones after presents and lord knows enough food to stuff an army."


	169. Chapter 169

Apparently being the new guest in the house also meant that Alex needed to be involved in all the Christmas excitement. At least in Sarah's mind, who tiptoed into Mads' room to poke at him. Tugged on his shirt when Alex didn't get up quickly enough, whispering in what felt like an obscenely loud voice that Alex needed to come on. Santa had already visited. Not wanting to wake up his sleeping boyfriend, he groggily rolled off the bed to follow her down the stairs and to the living room. Waved sheepishly at an amused looking Ambrose who had just finished making Lizzie a little cocoon on the couch. 

"Sarah's on wake up duty, you want to help me manage the chaos?" When Alex nodded, Ambrose tipped his chin toward the kitchen and off they went.

Managing the chaos apparently involved sticking the cookies that Nelly and Alex had prepared the night before into the oven to bake, lots of hot chocolate, and some apple cider too. Ambrose focused on making a stack of waffles that seemed almost too tall to be real, especially to Alex's sleep deprived brain. Alex helped move them, one at a time, onto a scattered collection of plates on the table, trying to keep up with the various comments Ambrose threw over his shoulder. Mr. Madison didn't eat waffles, Nelly needed three instead of two because Sarah would probably be eating off of her plate. No need to put syrup directly on any of them, but did he mind getting it and the whipped cream out?

By the time all the waffles, drinks, and cookies were distributed, all the kids were in the living room. Aaron and Madison were even sitting side by side, a healthy distance away from the tree. The smaller ones, sans Lizzie, were the closest to it, poking and prodding at the presents as they waited for permission to dive in. 

Alex flopped between his boyfriends, face pressing into Mads' neck, the soles of his feet pressing just so into Aaron. Knew he probably couldn't away with much more than that given everyone who was around, but he relished in the small contact. Hummed with pleasure when Aaron rested a hand on his ankle. Another point of soft pressure to ground Alex, going along well with James' arm wrapped around his waist. 

Part of him felt bad, Alex had been allowed to spend the night in Madison's bed while Aaron'd been stuck in the spare bedroom. Nelly had insisted that he spend the night, that even if he wasn't James' boyfriend he was one of his best friends. And besides, who wanted to be alone on Christmas? There was more than enough room for both Aaron and Alex in their little family.

A statement that had earned an exasperated groan from Mads.

Present opening itself was relatively uneventful, but it'd been fun watching the kids open gifts ranging from practical toothbrushes to a small science kit for Will. Aaron promised that he'd help him built the mini catapult outside, but only if Will swore he wouldn't use it to launch water balloons at his sisters. Ellie'd received a bag of makeup and Madison swiftly deflected her curiosity toward Alex, who laughed and agreed to take on the hardship of being her model. For her sake, of course. 

The most interesting part, in Alex's opinion, had been the two gifts that made their way back to Aaron and Alex when Nelly passed Mads his gift. Three matching sets of snowmen pajamas that Mads had mock whispered a theatrical apology for. Aaron thanked James' parents for the both of them while Alex clutched his to his chest. John would probably make fun of him, but Alex had a feeling that snowmen pants were going to be a large part of his wardrobe for morning classes.

Francis and Ambrose helped them pick everything up afterward, shuffling each child's Christmas trove back to their room so that the rest of the day could move on. Aaron and James hadn't resisted too much when he suggested they all change into their new pajamas.

A practical move, really. What better to wear for a cozy afternoon in with family? 

The best part about everyone huddling into the newly cleaned out living room with the entire Madison family was that he could openly cuddle with both of his boyfriends with no questions asked. So many people and so little floor space had them packed pretty tight and if Aaron's arm was around his shoulders? Well, it was just more comfortable that way. Especially since Lizzie'd taken over his lap after Sarah curled up in Alex's. 

Lunch itself was relatively light, Francis and his girlfriend ended up the ones closest to the edge and as such, were the designated sandwich bringers. 

After the second movie, the younger children started to show signs of restlessness and when Mads scooped Lizzie up for her nap, Aaron and Alex both stood up. Stretched before asking if the other kids wanted to play outside for a little bit.

The Madison's backyard hosted not only a treehouse, but a swing set to and Alex poked at Mads' ribs once he joined them outside. "Why is your family so adorable? I feel like you should have a white picket fence and a tv show." 

Nelly and James plus eight. So what if it didn't rhyme? Nelly was a far more interesting person than the other TV moms that Alex had seen.

"You're ridiculous, you know that right?" Despite the chide, Mads couldn't hide the smile on his face. "Also, mama said if you didn't take your butt back inside and get a jacket on, she was gonna come out here and swat it herself."

His butt, not the jacket. It took Alex's mind a moment to process that, even as he was being gently nudged toward the door. Came back a little while later bundled up in one of Aaron's hoodies. Something that made him glad that the Madison's didn't know them well enough to know which clothes belonged to each of them. 

Found Aaron at the base of the treehouse when he did, watching to make sure that Sarah didn't hurt herself as she climbed up the rope ladder. 

It wasn't how he'd ever imagined spending Christmas, but Alex had to say- it was rather nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry y'all Life is.... doing it's thing again and as usual I've decided to distract with smut lest I emo out my other fics. (We don't need another Jefferson.) I'm trying to work on this when I'm at least neutral vs waiting to be in a 'good' place. On the note of smut- I am Attempting to have a smut fic post every day in December. Already got 6 of them written (ranging from about 1.6k-5k) and I have some requests, but you are welcome to give me some as well. If just throwing out characters- please specify if it's just a general request or if you want a specific verse.


	170. Chapter 170

Aaron knew without looking that the arm draped around his shoulder didn't belong to Madison. "I think, mon ami, that we might be more useful elsewhere. No?"

Alex had been napping when James left to pick them up at the airport. Still asleep when John stripped down to his boxers and burrowed into the bed, apparently just as exhausted. Aaron couldn't help but stare at the two of them. At the way Alex didn't wake up, just curled around their friend. The almost instantaneous way that John drifted off, mouth in an unattractive gape on the pillow. All in all, it was too precious for words.

What Aaron liked even more was how Alex would react to waking up and finding him there. Hopefully, it would be a good surprise. 

When Aaron looked up, James was holding open the door and he allowed Lafayette to lead him out of the hotel room. Raised an eyebrow when Lafayette didn't drop his hold once they were in the hallway. "How was France, Gil?"

"Simply delightful-" Lafayette wiggled his eyebrows, the only warning Aaron got before the next part- "I introduced our dear John to what happens to all the naughty children in France. And we have all been very naughty. Have you been naughty, little Burr?"

James groan echoed the way Aaron felt. "French fry, give Aaron a break." 

Lafayette laughed, releasing him so that he could press a hand to his chest. "I am only suggesting it is a wondrous tradition. Perhaps one you all might want to bring to your own home?"

Before James could come to his defense again, Aaron shook his head with a laugh. "I'm sure Alex would love it. I'll have to send them over to you guys."

"It would be so much more fun if we were all involved," Lafayette teased. "Have you never thought about bending me over your knee?"

Throttling him? Sure. Spanking him? Not precisely.

Another groan from James. "Sorry, he had one too many drinks on the flight home."

"No wonder John needs a nap." A drunk Lafayette was similar to a five-year-old. Aaron glanced around the hallway, taking in the gaudy lights and odd pink carpet. "Not that I don't love making a scene in public, are we planning on doing something- or are we just going to wait for one of them to wake up and tell us to shut up?"

"I was just telling Monsieur Madison that he should show us the sights." 

They wouldn't exactly be new to Aaron, but it would be a good way to blow a few hours. "I'm in."

"There's an aquarium, but I figured we'd save that for when they wake up." Maybe they could do that tomorrow? They'd be spending a few more days in Virginia before all heading back up to campus and John would enjoy the chance to see the animals. "There's also a theme park that might be good. But I thought we could do lunch?"

"Might help Mister Light Weight over here sober up some." Lafayette stuck out his tongue at Aaron's comment but didn't argue, so lunch it was.

A surprisingly quiet lunch, all things considered. Even tipsy, Lafayette behaved himself. Didn't try to start a food fight or drag up any inappropriate topics. Seemed content to listen to Madison talk about their winter break, about how his family was doing. Mourned the fact that he hadn't been allowed to meet all the little Madisons. 

Brightened up again when James reminded him that they would be in town for a while. Meeting his siblings wasn't completely off the table. 

Something that Lafayette took a step further by suggesting that they take the little ones to the theme park. It would be chaotic, but so long as they left the smallest one at home- it might actually be doable. Even if it would be vaguely freezing. At Lafayette's insistence, James promised to text his parents to see what they thought about it.

With that and the check settled, they headed back to the hotel. 

It was absolutely no shock to walk in on John and Alex making out, though Aaron did snort at the way they jumped apart. Considered playing the part of the outraged boyfriend, only to be cut off by Lafayette draping himself over Aaron's back. "Are they not the picture of precious? They cannot keep their hands off of one another."

"At least half of that statement is true."

Lafayette nuzzled the top of his head, and Aaron was surprised to find that he didn't absolutely hate it. "So in love our datemates. Perhaps we should leave once more? Give them time to consummate. Unless you wish to stay and watch? Or introduce the concept I mentioned earlier?"

Alex looked interested, but James shoved Lafayette before dropping on the second bed. "How many times do I have to tell you to leave Aaron alone?"

Aaron shrugged. "He's fine. But also- no. Alex knows I'm not going to spank them. We had that conversation already."

At Alex's confused look, John grinned, dragging them back to lay on the bed. "In France they take the whole 'He knows when you've been good or bad' thing very seriously. There's a dude just for switching that follows Santa around. That or Laf lied to me because he wanted an excuse to drag me into a sex store."

Lafayette, chastised, joined Madison on the bed. "I do not know how you could accuse me of such things. It was a very important part of my culture that I wished to share."

"I think the lady doth protest too much," Alex wagged a finger in Lafayette's direction before beckoning for Aaron to join them on the bed. Something he did, much to John's pleasure if the feet in his lap meant anything. 

It was mindless banter, but Aaron couldn't resist continuing it. "Wouldn't put it past him. If Lafayette could get away with calling blowjobs culture, I'm sure he would."

The Frenchman made a passing attempt at defending himself, though he seemed more interesting in trying to find a way to do just that. 

Mindless. But maybe, just maybe, mindless wasn't always a bad thing.


	171. Chapter 171

"Are we excited for the New Year, little Alex?"

Yes and no.

Tomorrow they would go back to campus. In less than a week- In less than a week, Alex would be going to her first class since everything happened. An entire year behind, still technically a freshman to John's sophomore and Aaron and Mads' junior status. That part was terrifying to think about, even though both Aaron and Mads seemed pretty sure they'd be doing grad school. That they weren't going to leave her behind.

On the good side of things, Alex was excited to get back. They'd agreed she would only take four classes, the bare minimum of hours needed to make her full time and get part of her scholarship back. Four classes, including a fencing class with John and Lafayette and a Lit class that met in the same building as Aaron's. The others had been scheduled so that someone would be able to walk her if it proved to be too much. A contingency plan of sorts. The middle answer between 'sink or swim' and hiding at the house for another six months. 

John had already volunteered to take Alex shopping for school supplies, apparently much more comfortable with the concept of spending Lafayette's money on other people. That or he was feeling spiteful about the amount of pictures he'd been subject to back in France. She'd even been texting with Maria and Eliza the last few days, promising the former that she would come over to use Maria's Christmas present- a gaming system of all things.

Either way, it felt good to have them all here. To know that they would all be there in the coming months. "I think I am. What about you two?"

Beneath him, John shrugged as best he could without moving Alex too much. "Just another year."

Lafayette wrinkled his nose. "You must forgive our John, he is much too grumpy for such a festive occasion. I have decided for the new year to build a dark room in the yard. Perhaps a studio to take pictures in as well."

"I get my workout room back," John's arm came up around Alex's waist as he said it, holding her steady while he shifted to sit a little more upright. Alex rolled her eyes when she realized it was so that he could nuzzle at her neck. "Want to help me break it in?"

"Are workouts the new metaphor for sex?" Mads draped himself over Alex's back, chin on her free shoulder. "Because if so, back off lover boy."

Had Aaron and Mads changed their mind about her having sex outside of the relationship? Before Alex could ask, Aaron snorted. "He's just jealous he wasn't invited. Also, what is that? A molest Alex pile?"

"Yes." Alex fluttered her lashes, well aware that Aaron couldn't see from the other bed. "Which you need to come join now that you're awake. There's some free area next to John."

"The bed was a tight fit for three of us, I don't think you're getting all five. Even with James standing behind you."

True. But that didn't mean they couldn't try. "What time is it anyway? I want champagne to celebrate."

"And you didn't think to mention this before?" Despite the comment, Aaron rolled off the bed so that he could nudge Mads in the side. "Come on, I'm not braving the cold by myself. As the local Virginian, you're going to be my map."

And then there were three. Lafayette's arm comfortably thrown over John's shoulder even as Alex straddled his boyfriend's lap. Alex dozed while they waited, making a face at Laf when the man ruffled her hair. Teased that if she couldn't stay awake while waiting for champagne, perhaps she wasn't feeling up to the festivities at all. Would she like him to rent another room so that she may properly nap?

"If so, John's coming with me." 

The double entendre didn't hit until John chuckled. "I wouldn't complain. It's been a while since I've come with you."

"Gross." Okay, maybe not gross, but not what she'd meant. "You just want to fuck me in a corset again."

"You are rather cute," Lafayette teased. "Who could blame him for wishing to be with you?"

Really, Alex wasn't going to entertain that with an answer. She had better things to do, like snuggle into John's chest again. Listen as they talked quietly above her head- negotiating their living space. John agreeing, in a voice that made it sound like he'd rather do anything but, that he wouldn't trash any more cameras if Lafayette kept them all contained in his studio. Even said that he'd help build the thing if it meant Lafayette giving him back the basement sooner. Murmured that the rig could stay up, whatever that meant. 

When Alex woke up, it was to John rolling her off of him. "Asshole."

"We were trying to let you sleep-" Aaron stroked her hair, and okay, if it was because her boyfriends had returned, she could deal with being woken up- "We got your champagne if you'd like some."

That was worth scrambling out of bed for. She huffed when Lafayette yanked her skirt back down. As if wearing one meant her ass looked any different from the rest of theirs. "So is this it? Is this how we ring in the new year?"

"You're the one who didn't want to go to the beach," John nudged her leg with his foot as he said it. 

She'd wanted to wear her new dress, the one Lafayette brought her from France. Madison insisted that it would be fine, that no one would look twice, but Alex hadn't been so sure. There was a difference between hanging out there at night when it wasn't so crowded and going to a huge party. One where all sorts of people might be.

"Turned down Mama's invitation as well."

That one had less to do with wanting to wear a dress and more with not wanting to leave John and Lafayette. Bringing them along had been an option according to Mads, but she already felt like having Aaron had been towing the line. At least Aaron was the roommate of two years, how were they going to explain John and Laf? Here's the other guy Alex fucks and his boyfriend.

Only Alex would assume all friendships involved sex. That was something Aaron and Mads had agreed on, even if they hadn't pressed the issue.

But Alex's turning things down had meant agreeing to celebrate in the hotel room. Which, while not a party by any true standards, also wasn't half bad. The TV served as their timekeeper, letting them know how much longer till the ball dropped. John, Mads and Aaron ended up in the kitchen, making a batch of brownies after John's sweet tooth kicked in and Aaron declared him too drunk to not burn the hotel down if allowed to cook by himself.

It left Lafayette and Alex to pass the time, and Alex snuggled into the bed, head at the foot so that he could talk to Lafayette who had taken a seat on the floor. Apparently, John had agreed to take French if Lafayette took Spanish. Something he was more excited about than John realized. Not to mention it had the benefit of being a move his father approved of, more languages was a good thing as far as business was concerned. 

In the background, Alex froze as he heard the announcer's counting down. Twisted to see Aaron pulling the brownies out of the oven, Mads behind him. A bad time to try and call for either of them.

Which left Laf.

Who seemed startled when Alex pulled him in for a kiss. Startled but clearly willing, one hand coming up to stroke Alex's hair as he let her lead. Not pulling back but also not deepening the contact.

A kiss that was only broken when John nudged her out of the way, intent on getting his own. 

When Alex rolled off the bed, she paused at the sight of Mads and Aaron, standing together in the doorway. At Aaron's raised eyebrow. It didn't look like he was mad, but Alex had known from the beginning that Aaron was pretty good at hiding his feelings. 

Any anxiety she had melted away when Mads beckoned for her to join them. At Aaron's fingers on her chin and the back of her head. When he pulled back, Alex smiled, swiping her tongue across her bottom lip. "Yours."

"Not only mine-" Aaron poked her nose- "I think you have another boyfriend who probably feels left out about now."

"Yours too," Alex said before kissing Mads. Rolled her hips into him for good measure, ignoring the amused sound from her own personal peanut gallery.

Couldn't stop herself from grinning when after she broke away, Aaron and Mads kissed as well. A soft peck on the lips before Aaron ruffled her hair. "Ours."

"Our fresh start," Mads added. "Though you might want to tell John the next time he tries to kiss Aaron on the mouth he'll probably get decked."

Unlikely considering Aaron's stance on non-violence and the amused eyeroll the comment garnered. Of course, it also opened the door for an orgy joke, especially since no one seemed too upset with her decision to kiss Lafayette when the ball dropped.

But Alex decided to focus on the first part instead. "Our fresh start. I like the sound of that."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Breathing Space](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7884925) by [hollytrees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollytrees/pseuds/hollytrees)
  * [Windows to Your Soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8238574) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)




End file.
